Monday, November 3, 2008

JOHNSTON IN THE HOUSE, ONE MO' TIME BEFORE SOUP TUESDAY LAYING THE FUCK DOWN!

JOHNSTON IN THE HOUSE, ONE MO' TIME BEFORE SOUP TUESDAY LAYING THE FUCK DOWN!

bY LEVI JOHNSTON


I am a fuckin redneck rock star LEVI JOHNSTON
What the fuck is up my little babies?

Levi Johnston back from a hiateus all the way up in alaska to tear up the dumbass media on some shit before the big election, yo. Before I get to that shit I got some business to go through. Namely, are all you bitches ready for this soup tuesday? Let me hear you say HELL YEAH!

Because if I hear HELL YEAH I just heard a giant homo because what sort of giant homo watches a debate? Oh, its fuckin YOU NAHAHAHAHAHA! Your sort of homo!

AAAAAaannyways I don't give a FUCK about no soup. I have been tore up like 10 out of the last 16 days. I got a new oxycotton hookup in Wasilla. Dude makes meth in an outhouse in his back yard. It is crazy as shit. AWesome dude. Part tomahawk indian or some shit. Chief sells-the-drugs.

Anyway, got a shitload of jim beam from this liquors store where the dude recognized my picture from Fox News. He was like "OH GODDAMN it's Levi fucking Johnston" and I was like shit yeah dude hook a nigger up with some ice beers. And shit I got like 15 cases of bud ice and a whole crate of jim beam plus some lemon and orange vodkas for bristol for the baby.

Of course unthankful bitch was like "THAT STILL IS ALCOHOL" and I was like I will put that shit in jello cuz that is just how much I love you baby. And while that shit was settin up in the fridge I did her doggy style over the table but it was sort of awkward because shes fat as fuck right now and then she got mad as hell when I tried to sneak one by her in the caboose. We worked it out though she got drunk on jello shooters and then passed out on the couch and I jerked off onto her hair.

mrs palin promised that shit aint contagious but if I come down with retarded I am gonna be pissed

Anyway willow's fine ass mom, Mrs. Palin the one whose gonna be veep, said she needed our baby targ to carry around at rallies and stuff. He dont move around or anything so hes easy. Like a little fartin meaty flag pin. You just put some food on his face and eventually that shit will fall in. Just keep an ear peeled in case he starts choking. Thats about it with him. Change the diaper once a week. Nah just kiddin man that little faggot shits non stop bristol is changin him like once an hour.

I was like "can we just put him in a room with no diaper and call it the poop room and once a week Ill go in there with the snow shovel and hose him off and scoop out all the poop." And bristol got all bitchy and was like "no thats nasty thats what they do with elephants at the zoo" and I was like "yo no shit that is where I got the fuckin idea BRRRRPPPHHH" and that shit at the end is where I made an elephant sound at lil faggot tron and he just stared off into antoher dimension like always.

So me and bristol flew down on the secret jet that Mrs. Palin didnt sell on ebay and we went to ohio and handed off little tramp to gayass todd. I just saw Mrs. Palin through the window of her escalade but I could tell her titties were lookin extra good. bristol got her moms titties too so, you know, fuck yeah.

Yo speaking of titties I heard this shit about pornos. You know me and my boy tucker shot this porno called vice pussydent or some shit (still workin on that shit) and I picked like five different milfs out of a lineup to be mrs. palin and spent like a whole day gettin hummers from these bitches. It is good shit. But dumbass tucker is taking his sweet time editing that shit in itunes or whatever and now I read all kinds of porno mrs. palins are coming up out of the woodwork.

First there is this bitch working for that retarded crippled dude in the chair with the speech impediment. Shes hot as fuck but her titties are too fake lookin. Mrs. palins are rounder with them big huge baby bottle nipples get all hard when she wearing just a big tshirt and nothin under it when she answer the door (like she want to do). Check this bitch out:


I will give her credit she does look like a fine ass mavrick, but I got two issues. First look at that trigger disipline on that bitch. Mrs. palin knows her way around an aftermarket modded 303 and would not be slinging hers around like that unless she was drunk as fuck which this bitch don't look.

Second, I see some stupid fuckin shit on that shelf back there. Looks like some dean koontz books. Mrs. Palin only reads newsletters from dudes with first names that sound like girls who want to build some sort of new country on a mountain or some shit. Oh, and mrs. palin also loves some of the goosebumps and RL stine books, but not none of that fancy ass east coast latte liberal volvo faggot commie dean koontz bullshit.

Okay now, the last thing before I...god DAMN FUCK I am so high right now. You ever take like 4 oxycottons and you just realize how powerful you are? Like you can feel it and you can feel all that nature shit flowin through you and you realize we are just animals? I mean damn. I never felt that shit normally, but it's true.

I am a fuckin eagle motherfuckers. What? WHAT??? That is what I fuckin THOUGHT.

Okay, last thing before I get to the main business. You might have heard that that dude Borama has got way more ads up than the creepy white dude that's with mrs. palin. So now hes winning or some shit even though I know mrs. palin will end up winning because she told me before she does whatever it takes to win and that there aint no friends in politics.

So then I loaded up NHL 08 to get fuckin pumped for nhl 09 comin out and my xbox starts showin these weird ass ads on the boards. And holy fucking shit what is this gay shit?


Yep, it is fuckin barambama in my game. I would make a joke about black people bein on the ice, but naw. Levi johnston is many things but he ain't no racist. Accept a little bit against jews, but I dont think they count as a race. And like I wouldn't beat up a dude because he was jewish but if I got mad at him anyway and was kickin his fucking ass I might throw in "jews are faggots!" on him or something.

Eh, whatever, people who play videogames don't even vote ever anyway.

The young man said he wasn't an expert on politics by any stretch. Asked about Barack Obama, he replied: "I don't know anything about him. He seems like a good guy. I like him."

Johnston didn't register in time to vote, according to the Mat-Su Division of Elections Office in Wasilla. But he's still rooting for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

"I just hope she wins," he said. "She's my future mother-in-law. She better win."

FUCK Valley Urology. Go there if you want some old dude grabbing on your unit. Otherwise FUCK THAT.

Yep guilty as motherfuckin charged. I was gonna do it but then the last day I got drunk and passed out in my truck before I could pull out. Usually once I'm driving I can keep from passing out but I just didn't get the truck started in time. Oops! Sorry Mrs. Palin, hope you don't lose alaska by one vote!

If you haven't figured it out yet that shit is from my interview I did with the MOTHERFUCKING AP niggers! AP is the biggest newspaper in the world. Check out this stone cold iceman shit I dropped on them about the big convention:

Johnston said he wasn't forced to campaign with Palin's mother. Bristol Palin invited him and Johnston jumped at the chance. It was a whirlwind experience for Johnston, who was seated with the Palins at the Republican National Convention.

"At first, I was nervous," he said. "Then I was like, 'Whatever.'"

They was like "aw damn son when you got all them sets of titties up against the glass on your limo and bitches is screamin and wet as a ditch during the spring thaw what do you think and I was like "At first I was flipping my shit because damn look at them titties but then I was like, 'Whatever' because I seen so many titties it became pass-A."

That is my PIMP shit I dropped on them. But they didn't print all of my answers. I emailed the dude and he wouldn't send me a transcrips of the interview so I just transcribed some shit from my memory. So here it is, I'm dropping Transcrips on you all.


TRANSCRIPS OF LEVI JOHNSTON AP INTERVIEW

BY LEVI JOHNSTON

AP DUDE: Hello mr. johnston im an old faggot dude with a tape recorder I want to ask you a shitload of questions nobody gives a fuck about ever in history. You ready?

LEVI JOHNSTON: (Puts on shades) Now I'm ready.

AP DUDE: How much wood you swinging?

LEVI JOHNSTON: I should slap your face you gay old dude, but I'll go ahead and answer you since you are from the AP Newspaper. 18 inches sticky pine, tears guts up like broken glass in cheerios. I get in a bitch and she starts screaming like I put an alien monster up inside her. "AHH THAT MONSTER HURTS AHHH!" Like that.

AP DUDE: Seriously?

LEVI JOHNSTON: Serious as a terror threat. Serious as that ben stein dude talkin about science from the bible.

AP DUDE: How good are you at sports?

LEVI JOHNSTON: Let me put it this way, you know michael jordan? I'm like the white drunk michael jordan of alaska. Only with amateur hockey.

AP DUDE: You ever do it with bristol and another chick?

LEVI JOHNSTON: One time I hooked it up with her and her sister willow. I told them to start kissing each other and then I jizzed and they were still making out and it got real weird so we never talk about it. But I think if I got bristol drunk or fucked up enough on codone she would be down, so bitches feel free to email me or just call the campaign they know how to get me.

AP DUDE: What are you planning to do after the campaign is over?

LEVI JOHNSTON: After mrs. palin becoems veep and makes me a duke I think Im just gonna settle down in my castle with willow and have some non retarded babies and maybe win scratch and win lotto. I mean bristol.

AP DUDE: thank you, do you have anything else to add?

LEVI JOHNSTON: BABABOOEY BABABOOEY (I yelled it about 25 times until he left)


Yo, actually I left a shitload of tight answers out of there, but I just realized I wrote like four pages and that is so gay I think if I write anymore pages on this I am gonna flip around and be like that gay dude having the baby which is like the most and least gay things possible at the same time.

So all you peeps get out their tomorrow and vote for Mrs. Palin cause I want my castle and shit.

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