Sunday, December 28, 2008

Holiday Gift Guide: Sex Toys

Holiday Gift Aftermath: Sex Toys

Let's face the facts. Your gift to her was beyond crappy. Did you really think you could get away with just giving her that? You had that yelling coming, mister! So what do you have to look forward to now? Not having sex. That's for damn sure! Looks like you're stuck masturbating. Are you going to do it yourself like a sucker? Hell no! Not in the America I live in! But perhaps you're not hip to the wonders of what sex toys are like these days. It's as if someone using a calculator in the 70's opens their eyes to the wonders of computers in the 2000's.

To be frank, I wanted to do this blog post for a while now and it's always been laying there in the back with no real clear way to approach it. But I figured I could shoe horn this into it and well.. sure, I guess it doesn't fit very well a couple of post apart from Christmas, Hanukkah and the other holidays but hey, sex sells! Consider this my magnum opus into getting viewers. Besides, I did a blog about a cook book on cum, do you really think this is sacred ground of any sort?

Back to the who sex toys thing. Yeah, this isn't going to be pleasant list. More than likely you're going to feel tame in what you do in the sack when shown some of these. So I warn that this blog entry is not safe for work. But then again, if you're on the internet pissing away time reading this blog at work -you deserve to be fired. More than likely you're unemployed and drunk. Which would be the ideal conditions when reading this. If not for the simple fact that these sex toys will blow your fuckin' mind. Or just make you blow...

The Venus Love

Description: The Venus Love is the Ultimate Goddess of Love. Duel motor control with an advanced futuristic design, complete with cascading love leaves that line the shaft with variable speed vibrating side arm. The tip of the Venus Love has a tulip shape top that is lined with 5 love leaves deliver a tingling sensation. When the tip is pressed against the body it creates a sucking sensation as it is moved, great for clitoral and nipple stimulation.


Women's sex toys are getting more terrifying and otherworldly every year. It's as if the basic shape and function of a human penis is no longer satisfying to the liberated 21st century woman.

The Venus Love is definitely raising the bar. Actually, it appears to be raising something up from the bottom of the ocean. Some primordial nightmare half-glimpsed through the dark portal of a bathysphere. Some sort of bioluminescent invertebrate with stinging fronds.

Forget about your pussy, you would scream if your hand brushed against this thing on the nightstand. It's got a look that says, "I inject a necrotizing poison and suck out liquefied tissue."

These days there might just be a market for that.

The Aneros Peridise

Description: After years of development, we are pleased to announce the release of the Aneros Peridise, our "Unisex Anal PC-Toy" for men and women. The Peridise is a PC sphincter muscle driven device which induces involuntary, peristaltic contractions of the anal canal. This causes an increased blood supply to the region which results in incredible pleasure. How's that for a new concept?


This image of the Aneros Peridise has the same austere look as a spare part for a dialysis machine pictured in a medical supply catalog. Or maybe a restaurant supply catalog. It's not something you buy for a wild night of orgasmic pleasure, it's something you buy when you're making your own olive oil and you want a really airtight stopper.

The Aneros also has that vague computerized perfectness of a CAD concept. Like it was never actually intended for production, they just designed it to prove the concept that if you stick it up your ass your wind resistance will be lowered.

The description doesn't exactly inflame my passion either. "Induces involuntary, peristaltic contractions of the anal canal." That sounds like something the nurse in the emergency room does for your kid when he swallows a bunch of nickels. If my kid swallowed a bunch of nickels I want him to a learn a lesson, not "experience incredible pleasure."

Flip A Sista Over

Description: Here's the answer to every man's dream... a sweet chocolate pussy at one end and a tight puckered ass at the other, with nothing to get in the way of pleasure! The soft silicone sleeve stretches to fit any size, and feel unbelievably real on both ends. Use the enclosed lube and feel how silky smooth your new pleasure toy will feel.

There are a lot of male sex toys that reduce a woman down to a vagina and an anus on opposite ends of a latex tube with, as the descriptions claims, "nothing to get in the way of pleasure!" I assume they mean either lady issues or a taint.

This vagina/asshole tube stands out for its marketing twist. Although, I must observe that the packaging promises that flipping "her" over will allow you to avail yourself of "some bootylicious fun." This stretches the definition of a booty beyond the breaking point.

Belladonna Extreme Pussy and Ass

Description: Molded on superhot and acrobatic porn star Belladonna, this realistic pussy and ass masturbator feels so real you'll love touching it as much as using it. Designed to look like Belladonna bending over and spreading both her pussy and ass open for you to enjoy, even her hands look real. Sink into her shaved pussy or tight ass and feel soft, clinging ribs treat your erection to amazing sensation. The open ended tunnel is easily flushed with water to clean between sessions.

If the human species ever has to stand trial in a galactic court this thing is going to be one of the exhibits for the prosecution. The one that gets our race condemned to the interstellar sex offender registry.

"The extreme pussy and ass with the hands is proof enough," the two-headed judge will declare. "You are a race of perverts. May Xoglok have mercy on your souls."

We'll have to let every alien species we come in contact with know about our history as a sex-offending species.

"Yeah, the partial rubber ass with the...yeah, with the hands pulling it open...yeah, that was us. But we've changed. We don't make these sorts of things anymore. We've been through therapy and we've learned our lessons."

We won't be able to get good jobs. We won't be able to colonize planets near schools. Really, this thing marks the decline of human civilization.

Let's pray to Xoglok we can erase every trace of it.

Futurotic Masturbator

Description: Unique Futurotic" masturbator has a tits-and-penis design!


Tits-and-penis design works okay for the Futurotic masturbator, but I say why limit ourselves? I would like to see more practical devices include these features. Maybe a car with tits-and-penis steering or a tits-and-penis baby stroller. What in the world would not be made better by arbitrarily attaching a penis and tits?

Pipedream Extreme Toyz Rub One Out Masturbator

Description: Forget that tired old sock! This soft masturbator feels just like a real hand caressing every inch of your rod-only it vibrates while you control the action! Glide the life-like hand up and down your cock and stroke your way to climax. The vibrator slides in the back of the masturbator and provides added stimulation, making it the most satisfying and fun hand job ever!

Produced by Ultimate Redundancy Adult Entertainment Amusements. This product only makes sense if you are going creepy sex toy Dr. Frankenstein and trying to construct your own Real Doll in a piecemeal fashion.

"It's not alive! But it's vibrating! And moaning!"

I've been thinking on how this could be any different than just simply doing it yourself and I think I killed enough brain cells in the process. You still have to make a gripping motion to hold on to the handle..


Description: You love your candidate... Let him love you back! With a golden color and firm, smooth feel, the Head O State will stand upright and last all night! I WANT A BIG O!


"COMMEMORATIVE EDITION," presumably so you can commemorate the exact moment you became part of the problem. The only thing creepier than a gold Obama dildo is the rendition of him on the package. At least they found a way to reuse all those Trevor Goodchild dildos that were collecting dust.

This is change we shouldn't ever believe in.

Hannah Harper's Titty Fuck Her

Description: Give Hannah the pearl necklace she's always wanted! Wrap your love rod between her warm, supple tits, pinch her perky nipples, and give it to her all night long! Slide your cock inside Hannah's soft, wet pussy and squeeze a hand full of her big tits. Select a desired vibration and Hannah will keep you cumming all night. Made of life-like Fanta Flesh, Hannah's Titty Fuck-Her is super soft and warm to the touch, satisfying you with every stroke. She'll love feeling your cock either way!

Jesus Christ. I have a feeling your radio will start making creepy noises when you take this thing out of the box. The strategy guide suggests you use your pipe on it, but it's probably worth it to expend the bullets.

If only Salvador Dali had survived to stick his dick into this thing. This thing and the justification that there was a market to ever make such a thing should be reason why the human race should just nuke itself and allow the world to just start this crazy train all over.

In case the blurred image wasn't proof enough that this was creepy as fuck with a vagina in the middle of its cleavage, then perhaps you need to see the unedited image of it. Yup. As advertised, a pussy in the middle of tits.

So there you have it. Your holiday gift may have sucked, but at least your partner didn't give you one of these. On the chance that they did, go file the divorce papers before the New Year. Seriously. Go tomorrow. Just pitch a tent and camp out now so that you don't have to risk sleeping with someone who will be jamming some hard piece of plastic up your ass(or ear) tonight.


effie said...

These are really nice Holiday gifts. I hope many have received some!
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