So.. it wasn't a great Christmas. In fact, as I sit here after dealing with the (ir)responsible party involved in the destruction of my car and with a bag full of Tamales.. I can safely say that this Christmas was terrible. Part of me wishes that I had just left earlier to arrowhead. Then again, if I did and there was no car, then there might be a whole in the front of my place.... It's bad enough I still need to find a contractor to take care of it, I sure don't need a hole in the front of it.
So here's one final Christmas cheer more importantly just felt the need to post a picture of Batman during the Holidays. You know he is our savior.
Or was that Santa who died for our sins?
Either way, Tuesday's coming, did you bring your coat?
Times like this I feel like just picking up my Calvin and Hobbes issues and crawling into a warm bed...
Because, like what happened with my car, Christmas is never really what you want it to be.
And chances are that the whole holiday will go up in smoke and blow up in your face. Even if you can't picture it how it's suppose to happen, it will still find a way to just end up going up in flames.
Especially if you get shitty presents....
Like say, someone plowing into your car. I've pretty much resigned it to being common knowledge that the street block near me is cursed. Not only was my car destroyed there, but it was also the spot a dog mauled a stray cat that I fed daily and was really close to me. And to a final note, it was also where I was almost killed once by taggers who caused a situation... God damn. That place is hell on Earth..
It's Christmas, can't we get a little peace on earth and good cheer up in this bitch?
82 Year Old Man Gets Knocked Down Or D-Day For War On Xmas
Who would have thought that it would have happened on Christmas eve. I mean, this has to be a huge blow to Christians and all those on the religious side on this war on Christmas.... But when you push a Godless person too far with your pushing of the phrase "Merry Christmas" too far, you have no one to blame but yourself. We didn't start this war, we're only ending it.... In that we're going to push an 82 year old man down on the ground.
Oh yeah, we'll strike hard and fast at the motherfuckin' Symbol of your belief by pushing over the Pope.
VATICAN CITY – A woman jumped the barriers in St. Peter's Basilica and knocked down Pope Benedict XVI as he walked down the main aisle to begin Christmas Eve Mass on Thursday.
The 82-year-old pope quickly got up and was unhurt, said a Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Ciro Benedettini. Footage aired on Italy's RAI state TV showed a woman dressed in a red jumper vaulting over the wooden barriers and rushing the pope before being swarmed by bodyguards.
Benedettini said the woman who pushed the pope appeared to be mentally unstable and had been arrested by Vatican police. He said she also knocked down Cardinal Roger Etchegaray, who was taken to hospital for a check up.
After the incident, Benedict, flanked by tense bodyguards, resumed his walk to the basilica's main altar to start the Mass. He did appear somewhat shaken and leaned heavily on aides and an armrest as he sat down in his chair.
It was the second year in a row there was a security breach at the service. At the end of last year's Mass a woman who had jumped the barriers got close to the pope but was quickly blocked on the ground by security.
Where's your god, now? It's pretty clear that the first shot in the War on Christmas has been shot.. Then again, it's pretty clear that I have been making that same claim since October when this whole War on Christmas bullshit started up this year. Still, the shot was rung and some 82 year old former Nazi boy scout got knocked the fuck on his ass. Boooyah!
Maybe this chick really wasted a perfectly good moment. She should have hit him with a replica of St. Peter's to really keep in them with the recent attacks on heads of organizations that have been occurring over the past few weeks. Maybe it wasn't an attack though. I read Angels and Demons not too long ago and I think it had something about where if you knock down the pope that you get to be the pope. Maybe that's what she was doing.
It certainly can't mean that there's an atheist attacking her. This attack didn't convert anyone from Catholicism or anything. It's not like anyone saw the Pope fall and then realized that this woman has just shown them the folly of the sky wizard and renounced their strange belief in a God. And why is it that they always say the people who do these things are unstable. As if they are trying to discredit them. Atheist? Pffft, they're just a bunch of unstable teenagers.
I do wonder what Vatican prisons are like. Cause if they're anything like Mexican ones, you can get out of there by slipping them a $50 and promising not to do it again... only to get caught doing something else illegal an hour later and paying them another $50 to get out of there. God damn, Mexico sure is a pay-per-play state. Somehow I'm not sure that it's entirely all that safe to break the law in Vatican city. I mean, they're all about forgive and forget on paper, but you try calling them out on that in court and I'm sure you're not going to get your voice heard.
That is, if you even get a court date..
OH MY GOD! This just in - A second woman has just crashed into the Pope!... oh wait, that's actually true. This is the second one to do this since this thing happened last year, only it failed and the Pope didn't fall. Maybe they should really take a step back and look at their security measures.
You know what's pretty strange - the catholic church. Well, all of it in general. "Et cum spiritu tuo" is just one hell of a strange phrase. It translates to "And cum spirits on you". Maybe they where just reading my blog entry about having women just swallow cum already. Oh yes, take that Holy Spirit.
But you know what, Fuck Christmas. I'm just going to go ahead and declare a Jihad on Christmas. Even if you try to sugar coat it as a time for family, that's a load of bullshit. If you're such an anti-social person who can't get out of your cave that you need a mandatory day to talk to your family, you're a horrible person and you should just admit that you really don't like them enough to visit them on a regular basis.
I'll fully admit to being bullied into spending the Holidays with my family. I know I'm going to regret it when someone says I've put on a little weight or.. for that matter the whole act in going there in general. I didn't pick them and they sure as hell aren't very supportive. If Christmas is the time to be around those you care about, I sure did pick the wrong crowd. At the very least I'll end this Christmas Day on a high note.. That the war on Christmas is done with. We don't have to hear about this shit for another year. And most of all I don't have to hang around my family for some time to come.
If you need the guilt of giving to finally make you care about the suffering of those around you, and you can only give once a year, you're a pretty bad person. Shelters are crowded with volunteers on this day trying to help out those less fortunate than yourself. How about the rest of the time. I know I only bust this secret weapon out during Valentines Day, but what about the rest of the year to show the world you give a shit by volunteering your time on those non-peak days.
Fuck it, I'm going to go and get myself some Chinese food. I think I like doing that the most because it's, in the most basic forms, an Ironic gesture. Or at the least the most undesired thing to do on Christmas day. Yet it has always compelled me to want Chinese on these days when you're suppose to spend with family. Shit, it's not like I'm really going to miss Tamales. Give me some Chow Mein over getting tired of eating left over Tamales for the next two weeks.
Oh yeah. I should include a picture of the pope since this attack on him happened yesterday and all. Fuck that dude.
Wow.. I just hit a pretty interesting mile marker.
500.
As in I just wrote 500 blog post for the year so far. That's a lot of mindless ranting. Let me back up here and explain - In the beginning of November I noticed that my blog count was 440 for the year. Only 60 away from reaching 500 blogs postings for the year, which was a shit ton more than I had in all the years combined. Including the myspace days of my postings. Even during the writers strike did I not have this many post and I had nothing but free time then.
When 2008 turned to 2009 I told myself that I needed to sharpen my pen keyboard strokes and write more. It's the only way to get used to writing a lot... by writing. I told myself I would try to write a blog entry a day. Sometimes they were shorter than others. Often times they were just news pieces that I would openly mock in the same style of the Daily Show.
Every once in a while I would just post some video up and comment on it. As much as some would like to claim that I hide behind some wall of comedy, I think my feelings come through those entries and if you squint your eyes enough, you can see the real me behind all that sarcasm. Not to mention that a lot of times it was about something personal.
Not my car.. but that story is getting closer...
In short, I think I went up above beyond my original goal of writing one blog post a day. It doesn't take a smart person to figure that out since there's only 365 days in a year. So far this year I have expressed my opinions a great deal on this blog. I was once told by an ex that I had issues in which I didn't express myself or I skirted serious topics by using comedy. That my blog was proof of that as I would take the more satirical route or just talk beneath my intelligence. How much more wrong could they be? .But I guess I can see where they may get this idea given that I have had this side panel personal description up for a while now;
I barely know nothing about anything. I failed out of college, barely escaped numerous beatings in high school, and routinely require third party aid when attempting to use the garage door opener. I spend a majority of my day sitting in my basement, insulting teenagers over the Internet and sweating. I have absolutely nothing of value to offer, no provocative insights to lend, and am an utter failure when it comes to public speaking. There is absolutely no chance anybody could learn anything from this blog. I'll probably spend the majority of the time wasted while you look at this, drinking beer and avoiding questions
If you know anything about me or know me personally, you would just lump it to "Javi being Javi" with my typical over the top sarcastic nature. I never got beat up in high school (though I was and still am a nerd), I don't even have a garage door opener. While I do spend a lot of time insulting people on the internet, I usually don't have any concern or care about what we are actually fighting about. I should have been on the debate team.
As for the nothing of value to offer... Let's be frank, how many people have something to offer or make any sort of impact in the grand scheme of things. We are all tiny pixels on a 1080p television screen. I may be comical, but take what I say as entertainment. I would argue that I do have a lot of provocative insight on news that no one else is really reporting on. Will you learn from this blog? Yes. You'll take away news pieces that your local news station bypasses in order to bring you fluff pieces.
I still stand by the drinking part though, that's all me. But what this one person didn't notice is that within all those otherwise boring or very sarcastic blog post was my own opinion. You just had to open your eyes to see it in there. When I report on a news story and add in my own commentary, that's my opinion coming out. This is far more of an editorial than a straight news and current affair topic blog.
my type of humor!
I'm a little surprised that I made it to 500 before the end of the year. But it seems that this whole project/experiment was pretty interesting in getting me used to writing more. As this was, oddly enough, a side project to my everyday work schedule.
When something big happens in my life I tend to sneak it in here. Sometimes it's more noticeable than other times. But if you're on the look out for them, you will see my strong opinions just reach out there. Hell, half the time people ask me why I'm so angry. Not so. It's just me raging against the system.. or whatever is pissing me off. Take for example my Christmas.
Well.. My Christmas morning at least.
No, that is not a picture of two cars humping. They don't mate like that... not unless the person behind the wheel is drunk...
Yeah, now it's all starting to make sense now....
Around 4am I was startled by a huge ass boom sound. It appears that someone in their PJ's and slippers ran at break neck speed into my parked 2000 Honda Civic. Not only that, but the loud sound of the shattering glass was pretty scary. I thought they had crashed into my place or something at first.
This car was coming so fast that it pinned my car against a brick wall smashing the other side that didn't get the direct impact of the full on hit. Which also sent out my Yelp shot glasses flying out the window shattering, denting up a yelp lunch box, tossing everything i own in that car around and utterly destroying it in every possible way.
There was oil all over the floor. I felt bad that I just filled up the tank earlier that night as well. It was good to go for another long trip. Now.. it will never go on a trip, let alone short drive again. The first reaction by the on medication/drunk/DUI car crasher was "Baby, don't be mad.. My insurance will pay for the damages, I'll get your car fixed."
At this point I don't know what I felt. She called her boyfriend or husband - I really can't remember - and I had gone inside again and called the cops to come take a report. She was still there, not like her car could get really far anyway, and it looked like they were doing the whole sobriety test on her and she was failing badly. Her husband/boyfriend came down after she had called him and he was none to pleased with the situation of her plowing into a parked car.
I've just spent the last couple of hours cleaning out the inside of my car. I really don't know what to say about this. Yes, insurance is there for a reason. But the Honda is totaled. I'm looking to get the blue book base value off this and then what? I'm stuck looking for a new car now. All those memories. Almost a decade of driving that car and now that's all gone. No more opening the passenger door for the lady anymore... then again, it's the only door that still opens.
It is sort of ironic that this 2000 model of the Civic which is now 9 years and 11 months never got to see the next decade of 2010. It really is sad and at 8am here, with no sleep and a glass of scotch on the rocks, I'm just curious as to why me and why tonight. Christmas Day gives me the biggest lump of coal I could possibly ever get on Christmas morning.
I seriously can't wait for this decade to be done with. It's clear that very little to no one is coming out of this one alive. The car was the first causality in this Joss Whedonesque story line. Or perhaps I should just look at this as an even bigger clean slate. I have to get a new car now (well, not new new, but still new to me!) so that means I need to break it in with a road trip. American South West has been on my mind since I had to travel from Florida to L.A. in 2003. So maybe I'll make another run at it and enjoy the sights again.
That is if I'm even alive to see it. What a merry fucking Christmas this has been so far. Now if you don't mind I need to finish my second glass of scotch.. So to 5,000 more.. Cause really, I enjoy writing, so while this 500 for the year thus far is impressive, there;s far too many stupid websites and news pieces out there that I have yet to make fun of.
Ah, Christmas Eve. That one time of year that everyone else seems to be asleep that I never bothered going to sleep early for. While I grew up I just stayed up late at night and I always found it odd because the general idea was that everyone is slumbering in peace, especially with their brand new PJ's that they get....
Again, I'm the foolish person who assumed PJs were a creation of Television as a method to show scenes with Lucy and Ricky in the bed room. Along with their separate beds. No way a Cuban will have separate bed unless he was banging someone else on the side.
Besides that, it's coming out that the position you sleep in can reveal insights into your personality. Take a look at the above image. It shows various sleeping positions that you can potentially fall asleep in. For example, people who sleep in the "Soldier" position are generally quiet and reserved, and people who sleep in the "Log" position tend to be easy going and social.
If you want an insight into somebody's true personality, then try to catch a glimpse of the way they sleep.
Scientists believe the position in which a person goes to sleep provides an important clue about the kind of person they are.
Professor Chris Idzikowski, director of the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service, has analysed six common sleeping positions - and found that each is linked to a particular personality type.
"We are all aware of our body language when we are awake but this is the first time we have been able to see what our subconscious posture says about us.
"What's interesting is that the profile behind the posture is often very different from what we would expect."
To see the six positions studied by Professor Idzikowski
The Foetus: Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax.
This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.
Log (15%): Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.
The yearner (13%): People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.
Soldier (8%): Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.
Freefall (7%): Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations
Starfish (5%): Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.
The remainder of those in the poll said the position they fell asleep varied or did not know.
Health effect
Professor Idzikowski also examined the effect of various sleeping positions on health.
He concluded that the freefall position was good for digestion, while the starfish and soldier positions were more likely to lead to snoring and a bad night's sleepProfessor Idzikowski said: "Lying down flat means that stomach contents can more readily be worked back up into the mouth, while those who lie on their back may end up snoring and breathing less well during the night.
"Both these postures may not necessarily awaken the sleeper but could cause a less refreshing night's sleep."
The research also found that most people are unlikely to change their sleeping position. Just 5% said they sleep in a different position every night.
Duvet position
Professor Idzikowski also found that one arm or leg sticking out of the duvet is Britain's most common position, followed by both feet poking out the end.
One in ten people like to cover themselves entirely with the duvet.
And since it is Christmas Eve, I think I'm going to just let this one be a very easy throw away picture and small commentary list. But most of all, I need to give a shout out to Something Awful as they took this idea and ran with it altering the images and the message context on what will be the next level of sleep.
So enjoy these many methods of slumber. ;
Oh, it's so indie. Still, love that movie.
And yet she's in PJ's.. that's the kryptonite of sex.
Or the downstairs neighbors are making too much god damn noise.
Someone in South Carolina would eat her right up.
Now that one's just awesome all around.
Now that's a sleeping position I can get behind... er.. um.. on top of?
Oh internet.. how you let me down so.
Only nerds will get this one.
Where's buffy when you need her?
Go team Sleep!
Can you blame him? He just Blue himself.
Under the sleep! Under the sleep!
hee. yeah...
Make it so.
Ha. And now just one more for the road....
Just remember folks, Santa will be watching you while you sleep.. like he does every night (Creeeeeeeeeepy)
And to all a good night.. no matter what position you sleep in.
Tis the season for Holiday songs and of course, Holiday song parodies. I think I enjoy them a lot more than I do the originals. The original songs are always boring and sterile in their delivery. So whenever I hear a new take, often pretty shocking take of the holiday songs, I enjoy them. In this instance I have to think about my roots of being nonsensical. ATHF is all about being a 12 minute random thought pattern.
There's not much in the way of story telling when it comes to this cartoon. But what it lacks in actual plot it makes up in comedy. In the following you can see Carl sing I'll Be Home For Christmas. In this instance, I suppose I will be literally, but it's not where I want to be. That will come soon enough. But here, for the time being enjoy the soothing sounds of Carl;
Yeah, that pretty much rocked and told it like it is.
Top On The Pope's Christmas List? An iPod For His Music Play list
The Vatican released a list of their playlist earlier this month and it surprised a lot of people. Why? Well, it was all about the selections that the Vatican released as their Myspace music list
The Vatican has contributed a list of tracks for MySpace Music, an ad-supported audio and video streaming service which launched today.
However, the selection contains some surprising choices including the song Changes by Shakur, also known as 2Pac, who was killed in 1996.
The hit single released in 1998 is listed with an “explicit” warning and features lyrics about gun crime, drugs and violence on a city’s streets.
It includes the lines: “Is life worth living should I blast myself?” and “Give the crack to the kids who the hell cares, one less hungry mouth on the welfare.”
The playlist also features songs from Dame Shirley Bassey to more likely choices from the album Music From The Vatican and Mozart's Don Giovanni.
Other contemporary tracks on the 12-strong mix are Muse’s Uprising from their new album The Resistance and He Doesn't Know Why by the US folk group Fleet Foxes.
Describing the seemingly incongruous array of songs, an explanation alongside the playlist on the MySpace Music page states: “This playlist is a perfect mix of classical, world and contemporary music.
“The genres are very different from each other, but all these artists share the aim to reach the heart of good minded people.”
The list was put together by Father Giulio Neroni, artistic director of St Paul's Multimedia, a church publisher.
He was the man behind the recent Alma Mater album, which combined Gregorian chants and prayers with classical music and the voice of Pope Benedict speaking in five languages.
It is not known if the Pope has listed to all of the songs.
I bet you're asking "well, what the fuck was in the playlist? right?
Vatican playlist:
1. Advocata Nostra – Music From The Vatican. From the album Alma Mater featuring the voice of Pope Benedict XVI.
2. Uprising – Muse. Single from the album, The Resistance.
3. Causa Nostrae Laetitiae – Music From The Vatican. From the album Alma Mater.
4. Il Mare Mi Salva – Rossomalpelo. Song from the band led by contemporary Italian singer songwriter Serge Gaggiotti
5. After The Rain – Dame Shirley Bassey. From the album The Performance.
6. Coexist – Nour Eddine. Song from Moroccan Musician, based in Italy.
7. Don Giovanni – Mozart.
8. Rafaele Merry Del Val – Lorenzo Perosi Inni Mottetti e Canzoni, Pablo Colino & Coro Academica Filarmonica Romana.
9. He Doesn't Know Why – Fleet Foxes.
10. Changes – Tupac Shakur.
11. Regina Coeli – Music From The Vatican. From the album Alma Mater.
12. Mi sarete Testimoni – Santo Subito! (DVD). Music DVD embodying the voice and image of The Pope.
First off, there should be someone fired right about now. He wasn't killed, Tupac was ASSASSINATED! Thank you in advance for that correction. Second off, this is very interesting.. but he should have gone with Biggie. Everyone knows that's were the real talent is at, you.
I guess I just want to meet the "cool" 20-something white boy working at the vatican who added 2pac and muse to the list. As a Radiohead fan I'm obligated to hate Muse but I'm sure they must be thrilled at getting the approval of both the Vatican and Glenn Beck. Remind me that if I ever get the approval of either of those parties, that I should just shoot myself.
But then again, this is us getting away from the real problem with this list; The best 2pac song is Can't C Me. Besides that, The Resistence sucks, Vatican. Nice try, but not nice enough. I wonder how they would have felt for all the pimped out gear? Ha, yeah. I know, I'm only joking. We all know that there aint no bling like vatican bling. I bet Tupac is actually hanging out with John Paul II in a secret location. We all know that nignug ain't dead.
Does anyone else find it hilarious that they picked a Fleet Foxes song? It's like ok, let's go on pitchfork and find what the "hippest" band is nowadays and with those tight pants wearing heathens.
Though this is all a simple matter to appealing to the black community. Enticing them to join the church. Did you know that the Catholic Church couldn't do away with Santa Clause, so they simply altered Christmas around to be the birth of Christ and allowed those heathens to celebrate the winter solstice as well as following the lords ways.
Either way, perhaps you should get the Pope a flash new iPod so that he can listen to his play list.
There has been a lot of talk about an exit strategy lately and given the nature of the holiday season, that comes with good reason... Wait, did you think I was talking about Iraq? Ha. Nah, I'm talking about the giant elephant in the room that's currently kicking the chair from under him, hanging himself.
With all that time spent with family and the stress cause by going out and being a consumer and shopping for that "perfect" gift, it's no wonder why people off themselves around this time of year. That's even if you have family to give things to. Those folks who have no one in their lives.. Holy hell, that's gotta be even tougher. What with the days getting shorter and the nights inversely doing the opposite of that, can you really say you're surprised by the level of depression out there?
Don't even get me started on the folks in uniform. Considering Armed Forces suicide rates outnumber the amount killed in Iraq this year so far, I think it's safe to say that there needs to be some help out there. That's why I'm going on about this and just going to do the most morally wrong thing possible... teach you how to commit your final act in style. TLC, get ready a show for me!
Yes, that's right, Suicide. The voluntary act of taking one's own life. A cowardly retreat from the pressures and toils of daily life, or the bold head-first entrance to a new and unexplored frontier.. whatever way you want to look at it, if you killed yourself today, there will oddly enough be people who benefit from it.
From the cost you saved government in money to keep you healthy and sane, to the lack of needing food produced for you. You would stop taking up valuable living space and you would stop producing waste.. but again, we do need to dispose of your body. No more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere from your mouth and most of all, no more you. Yes sir, by you committing the single simple set of actions that led to your demise, you can stop contributing to the huge numbers of problems you are complacent in. Let's take a look of the revolutionaries who previously ended their life;
-Leandro Alem, founder of the Argentine Radical Civic Union -Guy Debord, French marxist intellectual -Thích Quảng Đức, Vietnamese Buddhist monk -Andre Gorz, existential Marxist and political ecologist -Abbie Hoffman, political activist -Adolf Hitler -Bruce Edwards Ivins, perpetrator of the anthrax attacks on US politicians -Paul Lafargue, son-in-law of Karl Marx and fellow Marxist
So, then, you've made the informed, careful decision to off yourself. You've realized that any pain your death will cause your friends and family by suicide will not even come close to the amount of suffering you've inflicted on the oppressed peoples of the third world just by existing. How are you going to do it? There are several exciting options! Let's look at a few of the more popular ones.
Hanging/asphyxiation Requires Some form of rope, Something to tie the rope to
This tried and true method is sure to make a statement about you-you're a classicist, someone who appreciates the originals. It's the second most common method in the US after the ol' Hemingway. Deceptively simple. I'm sure you've seen it done before. Make sure the knot is tight. Here's a diagram explaining how to tie a proper noose, for those among us with a flair for the dramatic.
in this example, substitute the ring at the end for your neck.
Couldn't be simpler! There are two ways to play here. If you have access to a tree or other overhanging object sufficiently tall that your feet won't touch the ground when suspended from it, you can pretty much figure out what to do from here. However, if you're stuck somewhere, a jail cell, say, you'll have to get creative. If there's a doorknob available, or just about anything you can tie a rope on, you're in the clear. Belts work great for those without ropes.
Cons: Did you know that hanging requires a very precise measurement of weight and height of drop to be an effective, quick method of death? There is a very tiny window of appropriate force to apply, which has to be carefully thought out, taking into account your weight and the height of your drop, to ensure that your neck is broken and you die nearly instantaneously. Too short a drop? Your windpipe is slowly crushed and your dear sweet mother gets to find you in the closet, eyes bulging out of their sockets, wide with fear, with your fingernails digging bloody little trenches into your neck as you fruitlessly tried to abort your painful, terrifying miscalculation. Too far? Somebody gets to find your decapitated remains splayed about. Hope you didn't love them, because they'll be scarred for life at seeing your hideous, gruesome end
Gunshot Requires: One firearm, One bullet
It's that easy! Wow!
Cons: Guns are a little more forgiving than hanging, but not by much. Putting the wrong part of your brain through the back of your skull can leave you simply paralyzed, or worse, ensuring that your attempted escape from this plane of existence that has brought you nothing but a lifetime of further suffering on it, multiplied 10 times over by your new disability. Also, bearing in mind that you're suicidal, you probably have suffered with severe depression for some time, and don't wish to be a burden on your family and friends. After all, it's likely that one of the reasons you're leaving the world is because you feel you're too much of a burden on those around you already or you don't have that circle of friends who WOULD take care of you. Gun suicide is one of the most traumatic forms of death on the victim's surviving family and friends. Your pain may be over, but the pain of the people who live on after you will be made much, much worse by your escape vector if you use a gun.
Shotgun methodology
The question of aim with a shotgun constantly arises. There are many recorded instances of suicides failing where the shotgun is placed under the chin; conversely, the author has heard of no instances where a shotgun barrel placed fully in the mouth and slightly elevated, with the stock properly braced, has resulted in the continued life of the would-be deceased. The infamous "Judas Priest" suicides, where Raymond Belknap died but James Vance survived, involved firing the shotgun under the chin - *not* in the mouth. Mr. Belknap was evidence that under the chin -can- kill you; Mr. Vance was evidence that under the chin can -fail-. (Eventually, Mr. Vance collected enough painkillers to successfully suicide about three years after blowing his face off.)
For shotguns the best way is the hemingway: sit in a chair, place butt of gun on ground, hold barrel firmly in mouth flush against soft upper mouth tissue, pull trigger with toe. an awkward position to be sure, but it gets results.
Putting a gun to your temple isn't as sure fire as it sounds. You could just lobotomize yourself and end up a vegetable. Much better to stick it in your mouth and aim roughly towards the base of the skull to hit the thing that attaches to your spine for instant death.
That's from the Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer Texas chainsaw massacre. If you aren't feeling suicidal yet, just give that a watch and you'll be right there... It's really sad that it took two entire dudes to make that gay ass movie. This scene is literally the only memorable thing aside from a guy being stuck on a meat hook or something. Fun Fact -Sometimes firearm contact wounds cause star shaped burns around the bigass hole they plug in your skull.
(note: If you HAVE to use a gun, make sure you steadily breathe out as you smoothly pull the trigger in, this will steady your hand and make your attempt much more effective. The number one reason for failed suicides by gun is your hand jerking as you pull the trigger. Relax, and slowly squeeze, not worrying where in the travel the hammer will drop. Just calmly breathe out and pull.)
Poisoning Requires: Sufficient quantities of any poisonous substance
Hitler did it. The most popular poison is potassium cyanide. How the heck do you get that, you may ask? The answer is science supply. http://www.sciencelab.com/page/S/PVAR/SLP3853 However, if you can't get your hands on any of this, there are a lot of creative ways to poison yourself. You could down a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of Jack, you could leave your car on in the garage, you could even eat too much nutmeg. Which would just be the cherry on top to this whole holiday season. One of the great things about poisoning is that if done correctly it can be quick and painless, which is great because who the fuck makes sacrifices when they're trying to do something they believe in?
Hydrogen sulfide inhalation This is a specific form of poisoning with many Pros: -The needed materials are cheap and easy to obtain. -The chances of accidental survival are low. -The method is quick and painless. -Your corpse will still be suitable for open-casket funeral, if next of kin desire, and you won't leave a big mess for emergency responders to deal with.
Cons: -The poisonous gas you generate can harm others. Probably best to do this in a car, tool shed, portable john, or other enclosed space that isn't immediately adjacent to other people, and to leave a warning sign about poison gas where people can see before opening the doors.
To pull it off you will need a metal sulfide and an acid to react it with, freeing hydrogen sulfide (H2S) gas. Some readily available sulfide sources are liver of sulfur (crude potassium sulfide mixture used for metal treatment effects), pure sodium sulfide as used in some photographic toning processes, or lime sulfur (calcium sulfide/polysulfide mixture), which is used for veterinary and also agricultural purposes.
For the acid almost anything will work: muriatic (hydrochloric) acid sold for swimming pool pH control, sodium bisulfate sold for the same purpose, various rust and limescale removing products, even lemon juice.
The method is now popular in Japan. In Japan the sulfide component has usually been a calcium polysulfide mixture that is added to bath water to replicate the experience of soaking in natural sulfide-bearing hot springs. Outside of Japan the products I have named above are probably easier to obtain sources of metallic sulfides.
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Drowning Requires: A sufficient amount of water
You can drown yourself in a bucket if you're dedicated. Driving a car into a body of water with the windows rolled up is a very effective method as it allows no opportunity for escape. Quitters never win! If you're really worried about your buoyancy, just find a rock, cinder block or other heavy object and properly affix yourself to it, then toss it off a pier with sufficiently deep water. Hey presto, suffer no more! There are lots of exciting ways and places to drown. Try breaking in to a public pool at night and doing it, just for shits and giggles.
The "totally fucking awesome" Suicide method:
1. tie cheese wire around your neck and then then tie it to something sturdy on top of a tall building. Make sure to leave some slack. 2. Superglue your hands to your head 3. Jump.
If done correctly, you'll fall a distance of metres before the cheese wire becomes taut, neatly slicing your head off. You will then hit the pavement hard. However, since you superglued your hands to your head, to those who didn't see it, it will look like you pulled your own motherfucking head off.
High falls Requires: A ledge
This one's pretty straightforward, too.
If you're really dedicated, you can kill yourself jumping off a fridge or a vending machine. Just make sure you land head first. You think your life is bad now, try living it after a failed suicide attempt. Either do it or don't. Self pity and non-commitment is so pathetic.
I guess the only thing that I can't tell you is where to get any information about setting your affairs in order before you depart. So if you want to leave your meager savings to a few charities and a local neighborhood center, by all means, knock yourself out. I know people often joke about it, but I'm pretty sure this is literally the stuff that gets me on the FBI watchlists. That's alright though, I assumed if the FBI ever read my blog I would be already off to Guantanamo.
This makes you wonder if animals ever commit suicide... This video should answer your question;
Then again, that's not suicide, he's just going on a fucking adventure! Those commentators are just a bunch of haters. But um.. yeah, that aint no Disney romp across three states to find the family who moved and forgot them in a kennel, That penguin is a fuckin' goner. That pengiun is self actualized and making it's own destiny... and it has chosen death.
Maybe I'm wrong. That penguin is going to become like the captain of the royal guard or an astronaut or something and he's going to return to his penguin home with a dozen posting medals and show them all.
The most harmful thing someone in the 1st world can do for the environment is have a child. Therefore, the best thing a person can do for the environment is kill as many babies as they can and then kill themselves. If you care at all about the environment follow my advice ASAP.
So there. We've coverd a lot of he basics, but the ways to bring about your end are endless! With a little creativity, you can make a mark with your death other than a blood stain or a crack in the concrete. Here's a fun one- Join the military, go through the entire recruitment and training process, but then the second they give you a live firearm, boom. Congrats, you've effectively trolled an entire organization and pissed away tax payer's cash.
I'll be happy to answer any questions about offing yourself you might have beyond what I've already covered. Though, if I could touch on one more option.. I bring to you the best possible way to end your miserable life...
Enter our Wonderful Friend: Helium!
That's right! The stuff that makes you sound like a munchkin! Helium is one of the least-mentioned methods of suicide, yet it is one of the best, since it is completely painless, 100% effective, works quickly (you can be out in 10 seconds, dead in 3 minutes), and best of all, very reversible... considering we are talking about suicide.
So how the hell does helium work? Did you know your body has no way of knowing how much oxygen it has in it? It's true! The burning sensation you feel when you hold your breath in isn't actually your lungs crying out for more oxygen, it's your body protesting the buildup of Carbon Dioxide! That's right, your body cannot sense if it has enough oxygen to continue living, your breathing is only regulated by carbon dioxide levels in your blood, which it can sense. Helium, when inhaled, displaces oxygen in your lungs, causing asphyxiation. It is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and quite fatal in the right dose!
Why Helium?
Well, really, any noble gas will do. Argon, xenon, neon, each of these will be just as effective as helium in ending your life. Helium is just the easiest to obtain. In fact, one of the reasons helium is the method of choice for your last goodbye is that it's much, much cheaper and easier to obtain than a gun or various other guaranteed-fatal implements. Just ask any party store! . Got a birthday party coming up? Just pay the deposit and rental fee and away you go with enough helium to kill you 20 times over! Once you've got that, all you need is some plastic tubing, duct tape and a dust mask (or any standard anesthetic mask). Then, sit down somewhere where you can be alone for ~10 minutes at the absolute max, twist the valve and enjoy oblivion. As you inhale, the helium will replace the oxygen in your lungs, starving your brain. You will not feel any pain, and your C02 levels will be unaffected. Depending on how high you turn the valve up, (do this in VERY SMALL INCREMENTS! The tank might not have a regulator, and you could seriously damage your face if you release all 8000 PSI at once.) you should be unconscious within 10 seconds, and completely dead within 3 minutes. You will feel no pain or adverse effects throughout the entire process, and you will be very, very deceased at the end of it. Find someplace pretty to do it, someplace with a nice sunset. Remember, it'll be your last.
When you are discovered, you will be indistinguishable from somebody in a deep sleep, save the mask on your face. Depending on how long it is before you are discovered, you should still have something of a healthy appearance (My advice, end yourself someplace semi-public. You'll be discovered before you begin to show signs of departure, but you'll be long dead). Best of all though, you will save your rescuers/your family the trauma of scraping bits of you off of a wall, and you can give those you loved the tiniest shred of consolation in your death, in their knowledge that you died peacefully and painlessly. Make sure you pin some signage to yourself or your surroundings informing your rescuers that they could be in danger though!!!! This is very important!!! After you are dead, the tank will continue to empty out its significant contents, and they may succumb to the gas (remember: tasteless, odorless etc.) if they are not properly warned!
But What if I Don't Really Want to Die?
Glad you asked! This is another strength of helium, since its point of no return/point of serious brain damage comes very late in the attempt, and it is completely, 100% reversible up to then! Feeling depressed, suicidal even, but unsure if a final exit is really what you need? Desperate to cry out to those you love the severity of your situation, but unsure how? Call the cops on yourself and hide in an upstairs room, then as soon as you hear them kick the door in downstairs turn the valve open. You'll be unconscious and very convincing by the time they make it upstairs, but when they remove the mask you'll be unharmed, and your loved ones will be made aware of your plight without having to use the words you never could find.
Conclusion
Use helium. It is better in literally every way than almost anything else, for almost every purpose.
I barely know nothing about anything. I failed out of college, barely escaped numerous beatings in high school, and routinely require third party aid when attempting to use the garage door opener. I spend a majority of my day sitting in my basement, insulting teenagers over the Internet and sweating. I have absolutely nothing of value to offer, no provocative insights to lend, and am an utter failure when it comes to public speaking. There is absolutely no chance anybody could learn anything from this blog. I'll probably spend the majority of the time wasted while you look at this, drinking beer and avoiding questions
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