Monday, July 16, 2018

PRIME DAY!!!11111

PRIME DAY!!!1111

It's Prime day, everyone! What shitty overstocked warehouse garbage consumerism piece of shit are you buying today?? Annnnnd about an hour in to Prime Day Amazon broke. LOL. I mean, what's the point of Prime Day? It's odd and sort of insulting that there's a monthly price tag associated with Prime, and then they use this day to have those members grab up all the worst possible shit around for some small discount. But I guess I just described Capitalism. EL OH EL.

I'm not buying anything. Really. Fuck them. Amazon Spain workers are currently striking, but hell, give me some shitty product on the cheap. Who needs workers rights when you can buy crap you don't need.

Fun Fact ;  Jeff Bezos is currently the richest person in modern history. He is worth $150 Billion dollars. Eat that shit, Kylie Jenner. But by no means am I going to contribute to this nonsense in making him even richer. Especially when it's basically Jeff's Garage sale - which I have to say is the perfect example of everything wrong with Amazon Marketplace.

There was a lightning deal on Katanas - It went so damn fast.

I'm also pretty sure that I have never bought anything on Prime day before. Especially that first year. That was the most pathetic promotion I have ever seen. They had nothing I'd ever considered buying. It's basically a few weeks worth of building up hype on literal garbage you will never actually use.

Add to that, Amazon charges tax now and doesn't officially price match stuff they sell directly even if it's still in the return window. The prices aren't that much lower anymore anyway. It seems like it's time to start shopping at places with physical stores again. Crazy how this whole thing comes full circle.

Honestly, ask yourself before you check out if you actually need any of the crap you just put in your cart. I guess if nothing else, Prime Day was good for seeing cute sad dogs tell you that Amazon is broken.

Oh yeah, I know a lot of other crazy shit is going down with Russia, but as a quick addition to a previous article. Papa Johns kicked the CEO piece of shit out for saying the N word.  Now the company is having a 40% off sale today because of the racist comment. So you're paying 3/5th of the normal price.  Papa Johns literally made a three fifths compromise.   Let that sink in a little. Just let it simmer around.    

Oh Monday, what a day for Capitalism. 

Sunday, July 15, 2018

WHO IS AMERICA

WHO IS AMERICA

Tonight Sacha Baron Cohen has a Showtime show Who is America? premieres on Showtime. I'm sure lots of folks are going to be offended, some are just going to find it cringe level comedy. I guess I find it just a little funny and hey, any moment to point the mirror on America and, well, show us who and what we have become... yeah, I enjoyed it.  I'm sure most folks who don't live in America will find it comical as well, that's the nature of finding humor from Americans.

On top of that, there's not really a huge ability to just say "Oh, he's going after the right! How dare he!" since he goes both after the right and the left.  But hey, who doesn't want to see Dick Cheney put his signature on a waterboard torture thing and stuff? Senators and other high level officials give endorsements to an idea of having gun handling courses for three year olds, I mean, it really sounds like he pulled off some surreal stuff and people didn't second guess him. In fact, look at the reporting on those duped.
On July 10, 2018, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin disclosed on Facebook that she had been interviewed by Baron Cohen while he was in character as a disabled veteran. She expressed anger at being tricked into participating in the interview saying, "I join a long list of American public personalities who have fallen victim to the evil, exploitive, sick ‘humor’ of the British ‘comedian’ Sacha Baron Cohen, enabled and sponsored by CBS/Showtime."[11] A day later, former U.S. congressman Joe Walsh revealed on Twitter that he too had been interviewed by Baron Cohen in character and was critical of the methods used to gain his participation in filming saying, "Dressing up as a wounded veteran is absolutely stolen valor, his tactics are disguisting [sic] - I know cause [sic] I too was duped."[12]

On July 12, 2018, former Alabama judge Roy Moore similarly divulged his unwitting participation in the series through a statement saying, "As for Mr. Cohen [sic], whose art is trickery, deception and dishonesty, Alabama does not respect cowards who exhibit such traits!"[13] That same day, Georgia talk radio host Austin Rhodes confirmed he had unwillingly had Baron Cohen on his radio program as a guest in August 2017 while Cohen was in character. Rhodes indicated that he was not as irritated as other interviewees had been, mentioning that he is a fan of Baron Cohen's saying, "My biggest regret is not being able to shake his hand as Sacha Baron Cohen or interview him (as himself)."[14] Also that same day, broadcast journalist Ted Koppel disclosed that he had taken part in an interview for the series at his home under the impression it was for an upcoming Showtime series titled Age of Reason. Koppel was not overly irritated at the notion of being tricked saying, "Everybody loves seeing well-known people get duped. I relish it too, when it's done well." Though he went on to express concern over the notion of people posing has documentarians or journalists adding, "I think there's a larger issue here and that is, if there's one thing we don't need any more of in this particular era it's people posing as documentarians. I think there's enough skepticism to go around about people who actually are reporters, who actually are documentarians. And to undermine whatever tiny little bit of confidence might be left by pulling a stunt like this … maybe it will make for a good comedy show. I don't know. But I don't think it helps the overall atmosphere."[15]

On July 13, 2018, U.S. Representative Matt Gaetz of Florida admitted that he had been deceived by Cohen and participated in an interview. Unlike most others who confirmed their involvement, Gaetz acknowledged that he was a fan of Cohen's and was looking forward to the series saying, "It’s very consistent with his model, beginning with a seemingly normal interaction and then the brilliance of his comedy is that he accelerates the awkwardness of it to some usually ironically humorous end."
I like how they all pretend to be extremely offended just to try to cover up how bad they got pranked. I mean, it's basically the first rule of politics and all.

When is everyone going to realize that paying senators to say something has been the American experience since its inception. Was over taxes were disputes, and the whole slave thing was a state rights issue. Now that America is a 3rd world country again, people are starting to doubt.  

But can we just focus on one thing - It's totally dishonest that they labeled Trent Lott as the senate majority leader when he's actually a disgraced racist from over a decade ago. Also, the makeup on the Israeli arms expert character was so over the top. It's more confusing that those people were tricked into thinking it was a real person than they could believe that kindergarten gun education programs.

Also, on a side note. What the hell is up with Sarah Palin still being brought up in 2018. Come on, America. Let's move the fuck on already.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

I like funny stores. They're the whole reason why I started this crazy blog. As a means to let out my opinion on articles that probably, at the time, wouldn't have been seen by many.

This was far before the age of Buzzfeed and click bait that had to scrape the bottle of the barrel in terms of material that you could vaguely consider content in order to get some attention. Now with the facebook world, and this is one reason I felt a lack of compelling need to write, you're bombarded with stupid articles and click bait that you don't even want to read that shit.

So when an article comes across my path like this one - where rhino poachers get eaten by lions, I just have to chuckle and remember that time is a flat circle, and while it's an article you have probably seen pop up in your fwd fwd fwd level newsfeed from grandma or something, it's still hilarious to see that there remains some untouched irony in the world.

But to find out that at least two and possibly three poachers died doing what they loved = being assholes, is just great news. So how did they know they were poachers? The equipment found were a hunting rifle, a silencer, a long axe and some wire cutters, so it's a good assumption to make.

I'm a little confused on why they took the axe. I mean, the naive part of me just wants to assume it isn't for chopping off a horn, and that perhaps this poacher just wanted to make the fight a little bit more fair. But let's be real here, I'm being daft about this. Why they didn't have more guns is confusing, as I wouldn't trust my life with just one gun for three folks. That just seems silly. 

My question is why is poaching for this stuff still happening Rhino horn is believed to be some sort of magical medicinal cure all - especially for shit with boners. Even though it's all just made from the same material as human fingernails and we all know how gross that shit is when you find it in a bathroom sink. 

So to enjoy a little about their demise, let me just post this;

"They strayed into a pride of lions - it's a big pride, so they didn't have too much time.  We're not sure how many (poachers) there were - there's not much left of them."

Ah yes, that is just music to my ears. Good bye stupid poachers.

Good bye. 

Friday, July 13, 2018

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ALIENS, BUT CLEARLY THIS SARCOPHAGUS IS ALIENS

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ALIENS, BUT CLEARLY THIS SARCOPHAGUS IS ALIENS

Look, I have stayed home on many a Friday nights and watched the discovery channel to realize that I'm not saying this is ancient aliens, but clearly this massive black sarcophagus that was unearthed in Egypt is aliens
A massive black granite sarcophagus and a sculpture of a man who may be buried inside have been discovered in a tomb in Alexandria, Egypt.

The granite sarcophagus looks foreboding: It's nearly 9 feet long, 5 feet wide and 6 feet tall (2.7 by 1.5 by 1.8 meters). And, it may be the largest sarcophagus ever discovered in Alexandria, said Mostafa Waziri, general secretary of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, in a statement released by Egypt's antiquities ministry.

A thick layer of mortar covers much of the sarcophagus, suggesting that it has not been opened since it was buried, Waziri said in the statement. As such, the person buried in the sarcophagus, along with any clothing or jewelry they wore and any artifacts they were buried with, may still be intact, waiting to be discovered.
Oh shit. THAT'S where I left that thing. Look, it contains one spooky ghost. Honestly, you guys can keep both. Just scratch out the "property of Javier, call this number to return", I've changed the number at least twice in all these years anyway. 



At first I thought this was just another Elon Musk product trying to save those Thai Kids and we'll find out that there's a dead one trapped in there. Leave it to Musk to try and build a rescue submarine and end up with a shitty time machine.

Makes me also wonder if this isn't just the remnants of some X-men viral marketing? Personally speaking, I think we should totally open the giant black Egyptian sarcophagus, and maybe also mock the featureless alabaster head. I mean, based on the size of the tomb, clearly this dude had a small dick.

And if you're wondering if this news is just a whole lot of nothing, remember that this was originally reported on the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities Facebook page. Those guys are as serious as a heart attack. There's no getting through to them when it comes to jokes. Though, I mean, I bet maybe they get a little goofy on,  like, birthdays and new years and casual Fridays.  

The thing is that these sort of events happen very often. I've seen way too many 'Hey, I found an old safe and I'm going to open it' situations to believe that there's actually anything inside worth the attention it attempted to receive. You're not going to fool me again, Egypt. Besides, if video games have taught me nothing else, it's that this sucker will either have
A) Anciet evil that triggers the Apocalypse
B.) High level loot
C.) At least some experience points earned for smashing the shit out of it.

And I'm honestly okay with all three outcomes. Can we just make sure that Brandon Fraser is on hand when they crack the fucker open? Dude has a handful of experience dealing with this and it'll be a shame to waste that talent

I do find it funny that they made a specific note that it had not been opened since it was buried. Like, maybe, just maybe someone wanted to make sure that whatever is inside couldn't get out? Just a thought.  I bet if something ancient and deathless rises from this tomb and declares itself the Pharaoh of the World, look, I know it sounds a little crazy, but I vote we give it a chance. We really can't just assume it would be worse than what we've already got going on now.
"A vote for Pharaoh of the World is a vote for stability and good governance. 5000 years of running the Illuminati from void black granite tomb can't be wrong! The economy is safe in my cold, undead hands!"
Look, not that I'm wishing for our demise... which, I guess I kind of am. But it would be really cool if this was some cursed eternal mummy wizard master who unleashed terrible spells on the world causing it to go down in a terrible vengeful flame for a cool reason and not just to increase the value of shareholders at the expense of foreign children's souls or something.

Part of me is torn on the subject. If the mummy wizard awakens other ancient creatures of myth and nightmare, brings magic back into the world, ends the Age of Reason, and brings mankind's reign over this Earth to an end, then we won't have any internet anymore. We got to look at the big picture here. On the other hand, Vampires, Succbi, and Djinn will inherit our infrastructure and you know they're going to end up with an internet that's even more fucked up than ours. So in essence, I'm not hearing a downside to any of this. 

Whatever is inside, I just hope it kills us all. If it's some sort of Lovecrraftian forbidden knowledge that sends us to our doom, well then all the better. Part of me also wishes it was one of those giants from the Bible, here to finally own those Lib-tards to kingdom come!  Though it's probably just a stupid mummy. But, you know, it being Friday the 13th and this being a nice jet black color, it might just be a really goth mummy to go with all that black aesthetic. That'll be cool as well. I always wanted to see a true to life goth mummy. And not just the ones I witness outside Hot Topic at the mall.



Seriously though. That is not a featureless alabaster head, it's a goddamn fucking warning. Did you not see The Strain? Because this is how we get to the point in The Strain where we were all fucked. And by fucked, I mean the viewers. because, Jesus, that was a bad show.

You know how this is going to end up. How it always ends up with these long drawn out archeological finds. After five years of extensive studies, they will conclude that there's a dead guy inside.  But for good reason, I suppose, Archaeologists always drag their feet when they find something of any significance as it's the only real way to get reliable funding. Do you want them to go back to teaching or something?

By then everyone should have 4k HD televisions, so they better fucking stream it in that sucker or they may as well just bury the goddamn thing again. Also, can we nail down a contract with Geraldo to be on hand when it's televised. 

Maybe they should just step aside and let some Youtuber who unboxes things take a tackle at this fucker. Please remember to like and subscribe, and be sure to stop by their online store for merch and/or support them on their Patreon. Every click is just more support towards watching them unbox something else... God damn, civilization is so fucked right now.

*The host pulls out a box cutter and starts slicing through the packing tape with it; world ends*

But now that I mention boxes, I'm pretty sure that it's just a bunch of increasing smaller sarcophagi inside this big ass one. It'll be pretty comical, really. They are going to open it and discover another, smaller coffin inside and this cycle will repeat itself until the end of time. Honestly, if I was a 2000 year old dead guy, I'd make sure to fully annoy the snot out of my would be future grave robbers with a prank that has that much time to build up on.



Then again, that's pretty much how every Egyptian sarcophagus work anyway. They had a giant outer stone sarcophagus, a big inner wooden coffin, often another wood coffin inside that and then maybe a mummy and a whole bunch of cats or something. I give up caring. You know what, fuck it. I take that back. I'm not putting all my money on it actually being an even bigger, blacker sarcophagus inside of this one. Don't ask me how I think that make sense. I'm just willing to put it on the line for it.

Otherwise it'll be just a container for some crazy enchanted artifact. Like a scepter that can cast the ultimate destruction magic, usable only once every thousand years. Powerful enough to evaporate Athens in a single blast. But, you know, ancient Athens. Which was totally smaller than, like, Connecticut or some suburban New York area.

Look, man. Ancient magic doesn't really scale up very well. Just look at your computer from, like, ten years ago.

Just imagine, chilling with yo homie Horus and Osiris, on, like, the banks of the Nile, and then some filthy peasant yanks you back to some museum to get ogled by tourist for all eternity. That fucking wizard is going to be hella pissed. I know I would be too. Curses for every one of you!  So maybe we should just leave it buried and respect their customs, you know. Like a polite human would do.

Let's face it. The sucker, besides having a very beef jerky looking old dude, is just going to contain a curse, and that's the best we can hope for. And by curse I mean some horrific dormant fungus inside that will kill us all. So, yeah, basically a curse.  And if you don't believe in curses, then well, that's typically a good amount of famous last words.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

PAPA JOHNS - GARLIC BUTTER AND THE N WORD

PAPA JOHNS - GARLIC BUTTER AND THE N WORD

I mean, just saying "the N word" automatically made you think of nigger in your mind, so really, I just made you a little bit racist. Then again, words are just fucking words. It's the context that they are used in that really matter. That and who is using it. In this case, we already knew that John Schnatter, the founder and public face of Papa John's pizza, was an asshole. And thus he had to apologize for using the N word in a conference call.
In a statement issued through the company, Schnatter said: "News reports attributing the use of inappropriate and hurtful language to me during a media training session regarding race are true. Regardless of the context, I apologize. Simply stated, racism has no place in our society."

According to the account in Forbes, Schnatter was on a call with Laundry Service, a marketing agency, and was asked how he planned to manage future public relations flare-ups.
On the call, Schnatter sought to downplay the significance of his criticism of the league and its players, Forbes reported.

"Colonel Sanders called blacks n-----s," he said, complaining that Sanders had never received backlash, according to Forbes. The parent company of KFC did not immediately answer a request for comment.

Forbes also reported that Schnatter recalled growing up in Indiana, where he said people used to drag black people from their trucks until they died.

Forbes reported that Schnatter's comments were intended to demonstrate his stance against racism, but that people on the call were offended by them.
This is why you don't go full garlic butter, man. Side note, the part where Forbes sought comment from KFC about whether Col Sanders ever used the n-word cracked me the fuck up for some reason. That is some amazing diligent journalism on their part and is reason number 40,403 why I just slum it on a blogger page and don't have a desk at the local paper.

To get to the heart of this and for anyone who just doesn't already know of this piece of shit asshole who makes shitty pizza. He lives in the largest house in the USA, it's pictured below while not pictured below is a dual underground garage. He refuses to provide any sort of health coverage to his employees because it would cost a whopping fourteen extra cents per pizza and Papa likes his profit margins as is!


In 2015 his pizza chain was court ordered to pay $12,3000,000 to more than 19,000 Pizza delivery men who had been stiffed on their wages. On top of that, he has insured his hands for millions of dollars, which just seems like the beginning aspect of why this guy is so very very strange. I mean, that's not really evil. But come on, really? I can barely muster up the energy to insure my goddamn property, let alone my magical dough flipping hands.

Also, Col. Sanders was born in the goddamn 1800's and died in 1980. Which century does Papa John think it is right now? Even if you claim to have seen Sanders on television the other night, be it looking slightly different each time. Him calling someone the N word has no baring on if you, an Italian asshole, can do it.

Back to the house for a minute. I know you're wondering, "Is that really the largest home in the USA? Sure, it looks big, but there's gotta be something bigger, right?"  To which I will answer, yes. Yes it is. It's also the most expensive house. A bigger question would be what one even does with a house that big.  After dick swinging and throwing in a movie theater screen and a ton of other bullshit rooms, like say one with a bouncy castle or a giant pool, what the fuck do you even do next? The ideas eventually run out. I suppose you could use a room for eating, but wtf, who the hell sits down at a table in their own home to eat a meal? Come on, that's just silly. Maybe I just can't dream that big because I'm not slinging pizza so shitty that you have to slather corn syrup filled "garlic butter" all over it.

But again, I guess the answer to all that is simply that a giant asshole just needs a giant house. Maybe he should use that giant ass house to stay the fuck out of the public eye. As it seems that he really comes across as a dumb piece of shit asshole every time he shows up in the news, which seems to be a pretty regular thing lately.

He complains about the NFL all the time because he is a sponsor and he stands to lose money there, the Superbowl is the highest grossing ad space you can buy, so, you know, small dick big house over there clearly has to jump on that and make sure he voices his worthless opinion on if players kneel. Even more comical is that given the NFL is his huge bread and butter, that he's a giant Trump support since Trump is constantly stirring shit with the NFL.

Just remember... BO IS IN DA HOUSE!


  Let's get some sodie pops - Which I guess must be something completely different than what I know to be Sodie pops, given that he just can't hold his liquor. To end this stupid piece, here he is completely shitfaced at a Cardinals game in 2013 kicking it with a couple of bros.


Seriously. Fuck that guy.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

GET OUT YOUR SHINE BOX

GET OUT YOUR SHINE BOX

Early this week it was announced that former Fox News co-president Bill fucking Shine was going to be the Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications. As a former Fox employee - the television station, not the god awful news division, I can say with certainty -   FUCK!

Hey, just a reminder, but remember when this piece of shit resigned because of completely ignoring sexual harassment at Fox?

Yeah, I totally do. In fact, going as far as David Folkenflik starting at the time that a growing number of women at Fox News have alleged, some in court document no less, that he was aware of deeply inappropriate behavior against them and straight up gave no fucks. Going as so far in some situation as suppressing them. Well beyond the level of just ignoring the allegations.

Now that Bill Shine's salary is paid by us, the tax paying folk, I feel that maybe we're owed a full accounting of his role in covering up nearly two decades of sexual harassment and blackmail. You know, to even be remotely comfortable with this.

I know we won't get shit, but a boy can dream, can't he?

This just highlights the fact even more that this administration is the goddamn worst and this isn't even the worst news of the last two weeks about it. I haven't even tackled the stupid amount of shit that came out of Trump's supreme court reality tv level picks and let's not get into the other messes that I'm sure I'm not even aware of at the time of this writing.

In short, this is goddamn awful and every day we just stray further from the light while eating this shit sandwich with no power to do anything other than grin and bare it. Time to put an even more Fox News spin shine on the current administration.  Even though Bill's wife can't get out from her own way in terms of not hiding her racism with tweets like;
  • “Where are the black celebrities, sports stars, musicians, why [aren’t] they speaking out tonight against blacks targeting & murdering cops?” @darlashine posted in 2016 after five police officers were killed in Dallas.
  • “You really are a terrible President @BarackObama @POTUS allowing our police officers to be gunned down like this,” said a tweet following the same shooting.
  • “Comical to see these over paid black sports stars give Black Lives Matter speech at ESPYs,” tweeted the account in 2016.
  • “When will Al Sharpton demand [that] young black boys do the right thing?” said another tweet.
  • “Imagine the protests if 3 white teens murdered a black woman #AmandaBlackburn Only Black Lives Matter I guess,” said a tweet about the fatal 2015 shooting of Amanda Blackburn in Indianapolis.
Yup. Man, I sure love how Trump is draining the swamp and putting in the upmost respected of quality folks in the mix.

Goddamn it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

GETTING YOUR KAVANUGH

GETTING YOUR KAVANUGH 

See, that's suppose to sound like a play on words, but you know what. I don't care anymore. The news is shitty, this supreme court justice pick is shitty and things are just going to remain shitty for a while to come. So who is Brett Kavanaugh?  It's a good assumption to just make that he's a huge piece of shit and move on with the copious amounts of drinking you need to do to accept this new normal. But hey, finally a middle-aged white man has broken through to an office of power. God bless America right now.

Clearly the biggest thing to worry about is Roe vs Wade. But even the affordable care act is in straight up danger. Voting rights as a whole as well and it's not like the supreme court didn't just do a major blow towards unions recently, but expect more workers' rights to be under fire. It's a damn shame that Gay marriage will be under attack in a major way because this justice pick is even more of a Trump lapdog. But hey, Long Live the Fetuses!

I mean, at least once those babies are born into a perilous situation that Trump has led us in to, they will have a deep web of social support programs to tur..... BAWHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, sorry, I couldn't finish that line with a straight face.

Also, just a heads up, as if everything wasn't already shitty and beyond surreal, but in a 2009 law review article, Kavanaugh stated that his experience in the White House persuaded him to think that the job of president is far more difficult than any other civilian position in government.  And that presidents should be exempt from civil lawsuits and criminal investigations or prosecutions while in office.   I mean, I don't have any idea why Trump would pick him for the Supreme Court, do you?

Finally, at age 53, he's going to be fucking up our shit for at least 25-30 years before either the sweet hand of death releases him from fucking shit up or he gets paid off by another Republican President - lol, why  would we vote that way every again? - wants to replace him with a younger version of Christian value protector.

Side note; It seems to be circulating that, well, much like 9/11 and Obama being a reptilian president who eats babies, that, well, Justice Kennedy had some stakes in the game as this came out
Source familiar tells NBC that Justice Kennedy had been in negotiations with the Trump team for months over Kennedy’s replacement. Once Kennedy received assurances that it would be Kavanaugh (his former law clerk) Kennedy felt comfortable retiring
I mean, I'm not surprised in the slightest and when you compare it to other conspiracy theories, it's less a conspiracy theory and more just flat out facts that this definitely is something that happened because, again, fuck everything.