Thursday, June 18, 2020



I think that's about how to sum me up right now. I don't know why I have been feeling off. Like, all week so far and even last week it has been me completely out of sync with anything going on. Like when you go to catch something and you know you are in place for whatever it is that is falling. And then it falls past you slightly to the left a few inches.

Yeah, that has been me for about a week and a half now and I couldn't really tell why.  Like, for example, over the weekend I started hearing a noise in my car's front left tire. Like a small metal grinding. And I was worried. What now. Like the week couldn't get worse. In any event, I went to my very conspiracy theory mechanic to get it checked out on Monday and it wasn't a big deal. The metal plate that covers the brakes from rain got loose and was slightly grinding. He cut it out and that fixed that. I felt like I dodged a bullet...... Annnnnnd then the next morning I go to my car to see that very same side front tire completely flat.


But hey, small struggles. I put the donut on and proceeded to go get it replaced with a used tire. At the tire place a goddamn police chase literally was 4 feet in front of me. Like, what the fuck, life. I don't know what you're trying to tell me.  The next day when I was suppose to take my mom to the doctors to do a run down on her medication, the morning I woke up far earlier than I have for the last month, I get a call that it's just going to happen over the phone. That's cool, but they can't reach my mom so now I need to go and give her my phone, which is a solid 30 minute drive from me. I mean, I was suppose to go there anyway.  Turns out that doctor is moving to a different hospital and that's that for her medical professional. I'm now stressed about that, on top of being stressed that my sister, who lives in the same household as my mother but does nothing productive there for her is not taking corona virus lock down seriously.

Look, the point is my days have been filled with stress and I don't know when this bullshit is going to get any easier. Then worse, a lot of self doubt has really been coming up and biting me in the ass. Like, seriously in the worse way. June has always been a major hit to me. Last year around this time I had a mass amount of strays and indoor sanctuary cats get sick with who knows what and start dying off in a wave of shit. Then there's always the death of Anthony Bourdain that hits me hard and with Father's day this weekend... yeah, that one hits hard even though I have worked on my issues with my father for more than half a decade now.

To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. Last year I was able to go and do something to escape it all and took a road trip, that had its own levels of drama to it. But at least it felt good and it allowed me to touch on a lot of those Bourdain S.F. connections that I haven't touched on in a long time.

And touching back to the low self worth striking in my head. I don't know, it's just a really strange feeling. I know I'm an awesome guy, but fuck if my self worth right now in my mind is just super low. Like, I don't even see the value in hanging out with me right now because I just see myself as not an A-list headliner. Which really sucks and I don't have a clue how to deal with it. Other than to just tell myself shit like;

You can say all the right things and not get through to someone.  you can make all the right moves and not save a relationship. You can hit all the right spots and nobody gets off. Because life isn't about being right; life is about being real. And, rel might feel fucking wrong.

And that's what is life right now. feeling really fucking wrong. Really off. Like, there's very little to be excited about and we're half way through this year and I don't know what there is to look forward to. I try to plan things but they're just brushed off or even just put to the side. I get it, times are hard, but I'm just at a loss of what I can do to motive both others as well as myself.

I mean, this post isn't getting some great sum up. It is what it is and in the moment is just how I'm feeling. Sometimes you have to be comfortable to sit in that discomfort.

Friday, May 8, 2020



Time to say your farewell to that ever controversial plantation. I'm talking about the Souplantation.  How in the ever living fuck they were allowed to have that name after the history that we have in our country, I don't know. Well, at least not in the south. Because no fucking company would be dumb as bricks to call themselves that in any place that is remotely in the south. No, they were called  Sweet Tomatoes outside of southern California, and the chain of all-you-can-eat buffet-style restaurants roamed the vast fields.  The first Souplantation opened in 1978 in San Diego, California, where the company was headquartered. 

But guess what, they're done. How the fuck do you think a buffet style place can survive in a post-covid19 world.  They really can't. In fact, say goodbye to any sort of buffet style place. Hometown Buffet. All the Vegas buffets. They're dead in the water. No one is going to trust them, nor is the company going to run that risk of liability on that shit. I mean, would you?  On top of that, the FDA was all not having that shiiiiiii.

The FDA had previously put out recommendations that included discontinuing self-serve stations, like self-serve beverages in fast food, but they specifically talked about salad bars and buffets,” said John Haywood, CEO of Garden Fresh. “The regulations are understandable, but unfortunately, it makes it very difficult to reopen. And I’m not sure the health departments are ever going to allow it.
“We could’ve overcome any other obstacle, and we’ve worked for eight weeks to overcome these intermittent financial challenges but it doesn’t work if we are not allowed to continue our model.”

So basically, the time of the self serve buffet are over. I mean, there's ways to get around it. Make it actual stations where you hand your plate over and someone at the place responsibly puts food on it, but that seems like it defeats the whole purpose of a buffet. A place were irresponsibility is key! How else am I going to drench my three leaves of a salad with ranch and blue cheese dressing?  These things are a must.  Or how else will I put a ton of one item on my plate far more than I'm even able to reasonably tackle. These things are what defeat you at your core. That attempt to make some sort of huge food record, only to face the grim reality that you aren't hardcore enough to eat this food.


But there's other aspects. Apparently Souplantation was the home for a lot of the youth to go, who didn't have much income, but could survive with so many soup options while hanging out with friends. Where will those LatinX folks go? And yes, I used that sarcastically, because while I respect all sorts of gender nonbinary pronouns, I can't fucking get behind Latinx. That is a dumb fucking title and it's made worse because it's not like you even say the X as exis, you say it in stupid American. It's like the most fucked up "woke" word possible and let's just stop using it.

Back to the youth who grew up going there as their version of Denny's. Only, I have to say, it's better because at least with that it's a buffet and you aren't wasting some waitstaff's time by not ordering anything but coffee. You already paid for your flat fee of lukewarm corn chowder. No one gives a fuck if you're just wasting space at a table.

Souplantation didn't try to go for the PPP loans because, well, they're a chain of 97 locations. An on top of that, it would just be putting a bandaid on a gashing wound.  I kind of admire that about them. They didn't fuck around and grasp at straws. They saw the future and the writing on the wall. That buffet style service is pretty much an after thought. And even though five months ago these owners didn't know that the en was going to come so soon, they faced it with bravery and without fear enough to the point that they faced that execution saying nothing more than "bring it on".

I mean, when you think about it, you going to a buffet style salad and soup place was also staring the firing squad straight in the eyes and risking stomach issues and a long visit to the bathroom later that evening like a fucking man. Seriously, who ate at these places and didn't have a stomach that was made out of fucking iron and steel. Because luke warm soup that who knows how long has been sitting there or who knows what little kid before you put their hands straight into that pitri dish of potential contamination.  I mean, for reals, that's some nerves and fortitidue when you factor everything.

I wonder what Sizzler is going to do now? I mean, without that salad bar, you're just paying for a really crappy made plastic bag cooked steak. The all you can eat salad bar was what made that place. And when I think about it, it's really sad that a whole generation will grow up without the pleasure of putting way too many options on your plate and then immediately regretting all the life choices you just made. I'm serious, this was a lesson in life that needs to happen. Sure, all the items look so tempting on their own, but if you pile them up on a single plate you'll get some dessert options covered with salad dressing and your side salad is going to just be a complete mess..  Look, this is like taking an accounting class in highschool. The life lesson that even though you want everything, you often have to make a solid choice between what you really want and what you just sort of want. And if you don't make that choice and stick to it, then you're going to make a bloody mess of your plate and feel the pain in your stomach later.

It's the hard lessons and one more teacher of said knocks will no longer be around to give your stomach the cold shit talking it needs to see if it's man enough to handle this shit. Sometimes literally.

Anyhow, goodbye Souplantation, fucking seriously, how did you get away with that name for so goddamn long? That just doesn't seem right. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2020



When I think back at my youth in the early 90's, I have to wonder...  why the fuck did I have to have a zippo lighter? It was one of those things that a lot of teens like myself had and I'm starting to wonder how that even happened.  We were in a technological era that they didn't have much of a purpose as fire was easily accessible. Shit, every gas station already had lighters for sale that were very cheap.

That's another thing. I didn't smoke. Ever. The closest thing I came to that was buying my punk friends cigarettes when I turned 18. I didn't have it in me to smoke tobacco or even pot. So again I ask, why the fuck did I have a zippo lighter?

It seemed to be a right of passage to adulthood. Or at least the road to it. If you can be trusted to carry fire making in your pocket, perhaps you can be trusted to do other adult like shit like vote or buy smokes. But not drink yet, that's clearly four years after you can buy cancer sticks.

Not like we were going to be in the woods stranded. Though, the more I think about it, I spent a lot of time in the woods as a teenager and I'm now wondering how I am still alive. The woods is where you would go to do some hoodrat shit. Like drink beer you somehow stole away from the adults or throw rocks at a giant clown-spider like thing.  Look, these things just happened. I can't really explain it.

But with a lighter you can start fire and save yourself. I mean, if you had the money to buy lighter fluid. I don't even know where the fuck I would buy lighter fluid now and I just found two zippo lighters recently. I have no functional use for these things other than to get it confiscated at a security check point. Because, really, after 9/11 everything changed and we can't be trusted with items that could potentially start a small manigable fire that can easily be put out.

Think back to the 80's movies you watched. Not many DON'T have a scene where the teenager starts the fire sprinklers with a zippo lighter just to get out of it.  Maybe that's why I wanted and eventually got one. To get out of classrooms in the most extreme ways.

Look, I don't know where this is going. It was just an observation on my useless ownership of a lighter when I really didn't know why I had one. By the time you get one you are of driving age and all those cars have a lighter. I mean, where else would your USB charging chord go? Oh man, I'm charging my phone right now and can't use the car lighter. If only I had a zippo lighter. 

Friday, April 24, 2020



Editorial note - i started writing this before the last bailout package was passed, and so a bit of this may be out of date, but don't worry, it's still my expressed opinions on the matter, which I'm sure you're all about reading because you're here on this website and I guess want to read the rantings of a mad man. So anyhow, let's take a step in the way back machine, will we?

It's no surprise, the layoffs are starting and they're starting fast. The economy can not withstand this pandemic situation. First you had bars and restaurants close. Which put out a whole sector of wait staff on the street.  The human dislocation is going to be nuts as we continue in the months to come. We are pretty much fucked for creating jobs for the next few months.

Fun fact. The past 10 years airlines had huge amounts of profits. They used a lot of the profits of those past 10 years on stock buy-backs so they can reap the most from their stocks. So when I read that the Airlines are seeking $50 billion in aid from the government due to the latest events in the world.... well, you have to think like me and wonder if that's a little unfair for them to shake that tin cup for a hand out before your average American gets some sort of stimulus in order to basically survive in this new normal that is modern post Covid19 crisis world.

The reality is that the trickle down economics model means that the average person barely making it by with some gig economy job, the latest in crisis basically cut that remaining thread and we're in recession 2.0. It's 2008 all over again. And if there's one thing that will help the stock market's crash into crazy lows, it's putting cash in the hands of the consumers. It really is the only way to help out the economy as a whole. Because man, we're in a fucked up place now.

So what do we do now? Because it's potentially going to be months of this.  I mean, the talk about giving every adult $1,000. Which, while it seems like it is helpful, seems woefully under the amount a downturn of the economy for months will need to help you get by. I have see and heard of a lot of job layoffs. Which is

We need a great new deal and it seems like what they are giving us is some corporate bail out. At the very least the Democrats were able to put wording in the bill that barred Trump from being able to pillage money from this in for his businesses.

Currently, as I write this, the gig economy is pretty much fucked. Which...  considering the last few years of growth and making up 1/3rd of the economy, just means that those who were barely making ends meet by taking up really rough jobs like Uber, Lyft drivers and what not.

The stimulus package is also based on your taxes from the past year or this one filing in 2019. So hey, if you had a good year last year, you probably wouldn't get much help here. Also, if you don't qualify for filing for taxes, since you make too little, like many people on special needs do, then you don't get anything either, or at the very least it will be a pain in the ass to get anything. Which sort of defeats the point since those who need it the most aren't going to get it.

The unemployed benefits will be super sized, but that was a sticking point for many republicans because they falsely think that if you sweeten the sauce then folks won't go out and find a job, because it's not like having something to do on the daily gives your life any meaning. The stimulus, in whatever shape or form needs to have something to help student loans. Because no matter how much you throw at people, if they can't pay those debts that society has thrown on them, well, then whatever you try to give them will just be taken away again by debt collectors and that's the sad fact on life.

ANYHOW, Hello from the present. So that last bail out passed and even though it had a huge amount for small businesses, the very minor amount of them actually got anything. Instead places like Shake Shack and Ruth Chris and a fucking sushi conveyor belt place in Irvine got a shit ton of money while 90% of the actual small businesses in California didn't get shit.Worse off, those places that did get some had huge advantages than the goddamn bottle neck that any other small businesses had in going to banks to ask for those loans.  Ruth Chris applied for all its locations as did Shake Shack. And while they gave the money back after a slew of bad PR, the problem is that they applied. Something that will happen again now that they are throwing more money into that pot.

I honestly don't see myself ever going to another shake shack, though that's probably because their shakes were pure trash in every possible way, but because they fucked over a lot of other small businesses. And yes, the thing was written with a massive amount of stupid loopholes for them to get it, because again, the whole thing was so badly rushed that it was just a means to inject money in to the actual big businesses and there was no denying that shit.

But now you have half a trillion dollars more going to this pot that hopefully gets to the small businesses. Which I sort of doubt it does. I read a story where a cake/bakery place asked for 1.5 million to give all its shops fully employment and to keep their head above water and they got offered only 15 thousand in terms of a loan. Which means shit.

At the end of the day we're on the 24th of April. Rent and bills and accounts payable are due in another 6 days for these places for another month of forced closure and that shit is something that they need to get put together because small businesses aren't going to survive.  The whole point of a rescue bailout for an economic crisis is that you have to actually throw that safety net out before they hit the floor. And nothing that congress is doing is going to happen fast enough before the free falling company just flat out goes under. Before the unemployed worker just runs out of money and can't buy food or can't pay for rent. 

Currently Florida has only paid 17% of their unemployed claims. They get only a couple hundred bucks for being unemployed. The food lines are beyond crazy long. Lines and lines have formed to get that assistance.  Hawaii has 26% unemployed.  Michigan has a 24% unemployment rate. And really, this is just crazy how we created a country of job loss and no safety net to catch all these who are falling and falling hard.  This is the same reason why those jobs had folks going in every day despite being sick and passing on a sickness to their co-workers. Because if they stayed home, it just puts them behind the 8 ball to paying the bills.

Flat out, the social safety net needs to exist here and it doesn't. So who deserves a bail out?  These people. Because fuck all if I wonder if any of these folks will see a penny of this new stimulus bill within the next two months. By then you have to wonder if any of these folks will just be completely drowned by debt and food insecurity.

The short of it all is that the system is fucked and it's not going to get better and this bailout just doesn't do enough to help anyone survive till tomorrow and this depresses me to an extreme. We aren't all in this together. Some folks have it a lot easier. Some folks have it a lot harder and will not make it to the other side and we can't help that if we don't acknowledge that we are all battling on a different playing field.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

MARCH 28, 2020

MARCH 28, 2020

Today would have been my father's 70th birthday. I'm not sure what that means. Well, I kind of do. Since I was in my late teens and going through, well, when he passed away in 2014, the man would always take some elaborate vacation for about two weeks or so off to lands all over the place. European trips, trips to Mexico. Trips through the American heartland and East Coast. Fishing trips with "friends", which I never really thought he had friends. I mean, I later come to realize that those friends were his other life in terms of a mistress and then a mistress to a mistress.

The man was complicated. The point being, the dude wouldn't show the fuck back up into my world until the second weekend of April. Which was pretty convenient for the sake that my birthday is the first week of April. So growing up there was always a sort of  "Oh, we'll be gone for your birthday" mentality to it all. I mean, if I was a bit smarter I would probably have thrown a party at home. But by the time these stuff was happening, I wasn't really of that age anymore. More to the point, I was a fucking nerd. Who the fuck needs to throw a party?

I think one year I just had a couple of friends come over and have a LAN party. Oh man, some crazy shit happening there playing DOOM and Quake. Yuuup. Don't call the cops!  Anyhow, I got shit from that one because the neighbors said that there was more cars parked on the street.

The point being that my parents were typically gone for that time and the constant, and I mean constant by-line through it all in the years was  "Well, we'll do something when we get back for your birthday"  or  "We'll go out and get something to eat to celebrate your birthday"

Spoiler alert.  That actually never happened. For years my owed birthday outings were just forgotten through time. I really grew numb to it over the years. By the time they got back, they just sort of had to get on with life and it's always been a bit of a sore subject. Mainly because it basically just a constant reminder that I wasn't really top on that priority list.

And I guess I sound like a whiny little bitch right now. I'm not. I learned over the years to do shit on my own for my birthday. I didn't need someone else to praise me for surviving another year around this spinning earth. Some years were bad. Some years were okay. I sure know I fucking carried that sort of nonsense through so many relationships. Then again, that had something to do with the fact that I was told I was difficult to shop for. Which I honestly don't know how that is possible since I really don't ask for anything material more than just experiences and memories of the celebration. And I do have a bit of a downer attitude around the time, but I think it has a huge amount of issues with the whole hurt I have dealt with in the past more than anything.

I'm just vocalizing this. Or writing it out. I'm sure looking back at past post about this in this blog would show similar. I'm not much of a fan of a my birthday. Which, I guess means that this year isn't something I'm set up to properly handle in two weeks, which seems like why I'm writing this.

I'm turning 40. I was a complete piece of shit when I turned 30. I thought I was way over the hill, feeling like my accomplishments weren't all that great and well, not having much of a clue where I was heading in all that sort of direction. Ha. If I could see my 30's self again. I feel like a majority of it was wasted in a relationship where I didn't matter, in hindsight.

Originally I had planned for this birthday to be pretty amazing. I had a full week of fun activities that I had planned and lined up perfectly like a Lunar eclipse. Now my plans have completely been flushed down the drain and much like a lunar eclipse, it's not blocked by bigger things like a pandemic. I was going to go to Vegas for Viva Las Vegas, which is postponed till next year. I had tickets to a Transformers cover band. I had tiki plans and Wonder Con was that very weekend. Suffice to say, the whole week was going to be pretty packed and pretty amazing. Right now it's looking like.... that's not going to be anywhere near that. 

I'll be in isolation socially distancing, so I don't even know if I'll even see anyone. Which just seems rough on its own. I... well,  I'm not dead.  Shit, did I just jinx myself? Well, I'm not dead yet as of this writing, so I guess that's something to go on. But a lot of what I had hoped would be "my year".... yeah, that shit went out the window. I'm sort of laughing right now because otherwise I'd be in tears.

I just generally hate the "we'll do something later" mentality when it comes to my birthday because it's a huge triggering word. I explained above why. I just don't have faith in it anymore and when it's told to me... then, well, it just gives me flash backs and I don't know how to process it. A lot of bad memories and a lot of reinforced negatively with that. Yes, it's a nice thought.... but my day has come and gone plenty of times and I just don't want to hear it. If it's forgotten, then at least it's forgotten. But to be something that... well, is postponed or kicked down the road.  That hurts more than I'd care to express.

And I'll be 40.  This isn't the worse. I've embraced my age for a bit now after my long term relationship has fizzled. I thought this year would be the year that I kicked things off to high gear in terms of traveling. And honestly, I guess that still can very much happen later in the year with the insanely low rates that are happening with the airlines, but man, this pandemic is getting scary and I feel like a bit of a piece of shit selfishly thinking about my potentially forgotten birthday while the death count for COVID-19 is currently in the 1,600's and the risk and invisible killer is out there and I have no clue until 14 days from now if I have caught it in my last trip out buying groceries for myself or my mother. Even more conflicting is that in less than that countdown to see if I'm infected from today's outings, I'll be 40.

Yeah, this year isn't really the best and I'm wondering when the next shoes will drop and our world is far more of a stranger compared to what it should have been.

I guess, Happy Birthday, Pop. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2020



Remember how there were idiots who called the Obama phone program Obama phones? I guess we should get ready for them to roll out a new term. the Trump bail out is going to happen. The dollar amount, well, it's around 1k right for each American adult, though they're trying to cater that to those lower income because, yeah, it would be pointless to just give 1k to everyone if those who don't need it just sit on it.

The whole purpose of the money is simple, they give you the money so that you can spend it and generate more movement in the economy. You are basically using the government's money to try to better your situation and in turn, it betters the struggling business.

Which makes me ask one question - if every place is closed, laid off employees already and most of all, you can't go to any bars and restaurants are only to-go and have no wait staff...  Then who the fuck is this money going to go to? Most of all, how are you going to spend it if we're already in the level where things are shutting down because they haven't had the wheels greased.

You can't stimulate an economy if it's currently dead and workers aren't needed. Shit, I have a friend who is a theater manager and he's laid off for the foreseeable future. How is this check going to help him much other than to pay his rent. There's really a fatal flaw in this mythical magic bullet. No point in getting money if you can't spend it on anything.

We are, in the moment, a full on blown financial collapse. We are not even to the 2008 recession. We smoked past that and now we're straight up landing in the great depression.  Also, Payroll tax cuts mean shit if you don't collect a paycheck. So please, that's just Trump trying to dismantle "entitlements" next year with the excuse that there's money to pay for it since that is where your payroll taxes end up.



The world is completely different now. I mean, after this massive COVID-19 Situation, it's a 9/11 all over again and I'm wondering if we can ever go back to the old world of being okay with standing less than six feet apart from one another. And we're certainly not through this situation currently anyway. We still have a lot of things to get through before that, despite what the moron holding pressers is mouthing off about.

I'm still confused on how the President could even think that "the cure isn't worse than the sickness" in terms of getting back to a functioning economy and pushing to roll back on the policies of safer inside/in place or whatever it's called in terms of trying to combat this corona virus situation.

I had thought that Los Angeles was on track to defying any potential of rolling back that, but then I see one crazy thing...  D.A.S.H. buses are still running on time, and more than that, they're running for free.

The Los Angeles Department of Transportation announced Monday that its DASH bus service will provide free rides on all its routes in response to the outbreak of the novel coronavirus.
Riders are asked to board buses from the back in order to maintain social distancing between drivers and themselves. The front door will remain available to people who use wheelchairs and need to access the ramp.

I get that people need to work, and many need them to get around in basic social life, but China beat this by one major factor, shutting everything fucking down. trains and buses are, for all intent and purpose, death traps.  COVID-19 breading grounds. If the folks in charge are chastising people going to the beach or parks with heavy traffic, then why the hell aren't you shutting these petri-dishes down at once?

Those who still need to work are more likely to go in to work regardless of their health status. And that's not their fault. It's the society that you built up. One where folks are so close to the edge and barely making it are forced to work healthy or sick. The complete lack of reform on paid sick leave and the fact that these jobs are often the bottom of the barrel and society has deemed them to be not worthy of decent pay regardless of this notion that they should still be doing it in the face of a global fucking pandemic, just shows that it's the system that failed all of us.

But I would not be caught dead in one of these buses. The amount of turn around by folks and germs should make sure that the bus driver is getting hazard pay. I'm goddamn serious. Why the hell would we keep running the metro subway or buses at all?

And you want to help those who don't have the means to get around?  Then make it so that they call a number and get supplies delivered to them on the city's dime. Do what China did. And I can't believe that I just typed that sentence. But fucking do it.  Deliver those supplies and give them a goddamn test. That's how we beat this. That's the only way we curb the outbreak. You grow a goddamn heart and help those that you, in spite of a fucking global pandemic, expect to go to work.

We crashed the economy for a good reason. To stop and preserve the future.  This concept of "well, we can make the buses free!" just makes me wonder if you want the poor to get sick and die off.


Okay, I'm just really upset by this.  It seems like a nice idea, but it's dirty. And I'm tired of the minorities getting the shit end of the stick. This screams plague blankets to the Native Americans.

There's better ways to help out those who need the help. But as it's clear in Washington, the concern is far more important for the damn CEO's and corporations than it will ever be for those who actually need a bail out and helping hand. With this notion that they just have to pick themselves up by their own bootstraps in a rigged system where they can't ever pray to have a leveled playing field.

Who is it that picks the fruits and veggies that you see still in grocery stores that are picked over. Who is it that helps stock those shelves over night, all night long, just so you can pick them clean in the morning.

So yeah, take that free bus ride filled with the toxic mix of who knows what germs that you have advised to stand 6 feet away from one another and do better.  You know you can.  And considering the way the system has treated them, they damn well deserve to be treated better.