Sunday, April 29, 2012

April 29th, 1992 - 20 Years Later

April 29th, 1992 - 20 Years Later

Fuck that Sublime song. First off, they got the date wrong- anyone who lived through this should know the date. It's like 9/11. You never forget where you were when the shit went down. It was literally the largest civil uprising of our century.

Race tension was extremely high. Rodney King beating acquittal and then the death of Latasha Harlins, a black teenager killed by a Korean store owner who was found guilty of 2nd degree murder for shooting her as she stole $2 from her shop- ended up only getting probation as a verdict just was too much and was the spark of the match to ignite the events that followed.

For days the entire city was on curfew. Some cities would refuse you entrance if you didn't live there. I know Culver City was like that. The 110 highway had all its entrances shut down south of Downtown, as to not allow anyone the ability to move upward. Rich areas seemed to be more protected than others. USC had a whole force protecting it, while the area around it burned.


It was a crazy time and my 12 year old self was pretty freaked out. Helicopters everywhere. National Guards stood ground and it seemed like the closes you can come to an entire city just shutting down and going ape shit. You had Blacks vs Koreans. Korean store owners, who came in and bought up a lot of liquor stores- a city where just the amount of liquor stores in South L.A. is way more than the number in many states.

They were up on their roofs with rifles and weapons protecting what they had. Black owned markets literally had to have the words spray painted on the wall as to hope that it is seen by some looter and not burned down.

It was a really scary time to be alive. But at least it showed that city officials were so full of their own shit. Especially when they ditched out and were caught with their pants down on this whole situation. Yes, it was overwhelming. But a lot of police securing and guarding a few key locations was just as much bullshit as you can possibly imagine.

And here we are, 20 years later and a black person can still get killed for something as simple as walking down the street with $2 skittles in their hand. Cops still walk around with impunity to profile and tensions still run high. It's sad that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I would be lying if I said that I hope to never see something like the riots again. Because hey, I am a socialist communist who wants to topple over capitalism in any of its evil forms. But we should remember who the real targets are. Burning our own communities down doesn't lead to any change and only hurts our own growth.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Pure American Sound

Pure American Sound

If you've ever hopped onto soaring over California at Disney's California Adventure you would be familiar with what sounds like America in musical form.

It sounds as if you're out in the wheat fields or overlooking the vast prairie open space as the summer sun sets on your back and the sky is filled with this pink hue and the clouds are just slightly stretched out from end to end in the sky in streaks for as far as you can see.

But yeah, that's the pure Americana sound to me and nothing is going to change that view.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Ze Avengers

Ze Avengers

May 4th is not that far out. Which seems pretty crazy that the release of the Avengers is really that close by. For a comic book milestone like this to happen is pretty out there and it's still surprising that DC hasn't gotten their shit together and done something like this already. You see, Marvel went through some really rocky finical hardship, and so they sold the movie rights to a vast majority of the characters to other studios - who in turn made really shitty movies, if at that, of them. But the rights to the characters were all over the place.

So to see this trailer and see the Avengers all in the same film after years of being solo..

Well, it's a comic book fan like mine's wet dream. And speaking of dreams.. Scarlett as Black Widow.. I'm looking forward to seeing all the cosplayers at Comic con come out with those skin tight cat suits and red hair, let me tell you that!

Oh yeah, and here's the rest of the cast or something..

Can I just say it, Captain America's mask sort of pisses me off. His whole costume is just meh compared to how much I liked it in his own movie.

The other day I was asked why they replaced the actor for Thor as we passed by a billboard.

Kinda confused me as he looks the same. Be it a little less as buff, but hey. Still bad ass. How bad ass? Well, I guess he's as bad ass to run through the tired cliche of most comic book crossovers where they have the heroes fight each other in some tussle that is all just a misunderstanding.

And I guess I'll just end this with a video of Black Widow.. because, I mean, my heart will go on and what not.

<3 <3 <3 <3

Thursday, April 26, 2012

20 Years later - Part 1

20 Years Later - Part 1

This year marks the 20th anniversary of the L.A. Riots. A moment that will live in the mind of my 12 year old self for as long as I live. I saw the national guard out in full force. Stores get boarded up with owners on the roof with shotguns and other weapons protecting their shops. It was, for all intent and purpose, the closes to an all out pandemic and what a zombie apocalypse could possibly be.

I should get into what caused the tension in the air, but doing so would be too long. Los Angeles and the police have always had a very explosive tension behind it going back to the 70's and going back to the god damn 30's and so forth. Police and corruption in Los Angeles have always gone hand in hand. So how about we just start with some music that reflects the mood..

It should be noted that the title of the song was correct. The riots happened on April 29th, not as Brad sings April 26th. For some reason he just said it wrong and no one pointed it out for some reason. I don't know how to explain that.

Then we get the racial aspect and the tension between minorities in the black communities and the police. There's no better example than N.W.A.

Or maybe this just didn't help that tension at all. I mean, they were popular and while the tail was wagging the dog on this one, in that the music was created because of the police situation, their popularity caused more resentment in the public eye toward the police officers - which in turn just created way more tension.

It was a perpetual cycle of insanity and police hostility. Then again, I hate the police, so there's my personal feelings on the subject.

More to come as this week goes on.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Cows Say Eat More Chicken - Cows Want You To Die...

Cows Say Eat More Chicken - Cows Want You To Die...

You ever notice those Chick-fil-A ads and billboards where the cows are telling you that you haven't had enough chicken in your diet lately and why eat a cow when you can get some juicy breast meat in your mouth?

Yeah, you may want to reconsider that since the USDA is about to let the industry inspect itself...
Chicken is the top-selling meat in the United States. The average American eats 84 pounds a year, more chicken than beef or pork. Sorry red meat, chicken is what's for dinner. And now the USDA is proposing a fundamental change in the way that poultry makes it to the American dinner table.

As early as next week, the government will end debate on a cost-cutting, modernization proposal it hopes to fully implement by the end of the year. A plan that is setting off alarm bells among food science watchdogs because it turns over most of the chicken inspection duties to the companies that produce the birds for sale.

The USDA hopes to save $85 million over three years by laying off 1,000 government inspectors and turning over their duties to company monitors who will staff the poultry processing lines in plants across the country.

The poultry companies expect to save more than $250 million a year because they, in turn will be allowed to speed up the processing lines to a dizzying 175 birds per minute with one USDA inspector at the end of the line. Currently, traditional poultry lines move at a maximum of 90 birds per minute, with up to three USDA inspectors on line.

Whistleblower inspectors opposed to the new USDA rule say the companies cannot be trusted to watch over themselves. They contend that companies routinely pressure their employees not to stop the line or slow it down, making thorough inspection for contaminants, tumors and evidence of disease nearly impossible. "At that speed, it's all a blur," one current inspector tells ABC News.

According to OMB Watch, a government accountability newsletter, cutbacks at the USDA have coincided with a significant rise in salmonella outbreaks. The group says 2010 was a record year for salmonella infection and 2011 saw 103 poultry, egg and meat recalls because of disease-causing bacteria, the most in nearly 10 years.

The USDA, which has been running a pilot program of the changes in 20 US poultry plants, says the new system is not about cost-cutting, but about bringing food safety up to date. In background briefings, the agency will not answer on the record questions posed by ABC News, USDA says it plans on increasing the number of scientific tests to look for microbiotic disease invisible to human eye inspectors. But the agency has not been able to furnish data that shows an increase in lab testing during the 12 year pilot program.

Watchdog groups insist a combination of increased testing and government inspection is needed to lower salmonella and other disease outbreaks from chicken. The National Chicken Council says on its website that while "plant employees would have an expanded role in inspecting carcasses," USDA inspectors will still be in the plant. And "we are confident that modernizing the poultry inspection system will enable us to build on our success in providing delicious, safe and wholesome food to our customers."
Well then. I guess this seems like a brilliant idea. Because self-regulating worked so well for the financial industry...

Well, I guess it did for everyone who was a banker. Not so much anyone else. I for one welcome the deregulation of our murder factory owning agribusiness overlords....

It's not like it wasn't a record year for infections and recalls due to bad meat. So I guess the only thing to do in response is to eliminate regulation, so that the invisible hand of the free market can solve this problem for us!

What they don't tell you is that the hand of the free market is invisible because it's a ghost. It die of salmonella. But hey, as long as you cook it thoroughly it should be fine. Cause really, antibiotics don't work on salmonella.

From what I've seen of the food industry, I didn't think it was actually possible for the conditions of animals to get any worse, but welp, here we are. Most of the chicken your average American eat is mostly disease filled at this point. I can't imagine if they can cut cost by not even having any semblance of humane conditions.

If you don't get where I stand on this, it's simple. This is a terrible fucking idea and is going to lead to a lot more undocumented laborers getting even more inhumane conditions, and similarly, the chickens are going to be basically in a giant torture chambers even worse than the ones they're currently in. This is going to be bad for everyone's health, the environment and exploitation.

Even though the current conditions are atrocious, the USDA inspection basically made sure that a lot of really fucked up shit that goes on in the factories didn't somehow end up in large quantities of your food. Without these people there, it's basically a free for all for the lines to shove whatever hunk of feathers and meat they can find into the processing grinder for ground meat and ship it out to happy American consumers.

I suppose this just means that it's time to go with homegrown chickens as your option. And even if you can't or won't raise your own chickens to eat, buying from a smaller operation like a local farmer will be safer than mass-produced poultry.

But what happens when you eventually.. and I mean that really, eventually get salmonella. Unless you're the elderly, the young, the immunosuppressed or otherwise very sick, they don't treat you with antibiotics. Why is that? Well, for many reasons;
(1) your gut flora provides you with something called "colonization resistance" which basically means that even if you eat salmonella-tainted meat, it's quite likely you won't get an infection at all, because your gut flora stop it from growing in your gut
(2) completely independent of that, your gut flora also helps you clear the infection faster. treatment with antibiotics is actually known to lengthen the duration of a salmonella infection because killing your gut flora is so bad for you, even if you're also killing almost all of the salmonella
(3) this also leads to what's termed "supershedder" outcomes, or asymptomatic excreters. briefly, when you treat someone with salmonella with antibiotics, after they get better they still are infected with salmonella at low levels and therefore can spread it to others. it's thought that 80% of disease comes from the 20% of the infected population that become supershedders
(4) a whole bunch of salmonella are antibiotic resistant and therefore treatment with antibiotics will actually do nothing good at all
(5) salmonella is inherently resistant to a bunch of antibiotics in multiple ways
(6) it's thought that all the targets for traditional antibiotics have already been found for salmonella, by which i mean unless there's a paradigmatic shift in the way science looks for antibiotics, it's highly unlikely that new antibiotics are going to be found
(7) this also is the case despite salmonella being probably the best understood bacterial infection, being incredibly well-characterized in terms of both basic and applied science'
(8) it's also ridiculously underfunded
(9) seriously it's so well understood that scientists have made multiple attempts to re-engineer it as a cancer treatment, or as a malaria treatment, or as a new way of formulating a vaccine
Currently butchers get chainmail gloves and armored aprons and they still manage to slice themselves up all the time. You have to wonder what sort of job site protection undocumented meat-packers are getting. Probably gloves, but not to protect themselves. It's only so that white people can rest assured that no illegals have technically had their grubby hands all on their food.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012



Trayvon's Law may become legit.. well, unless you don't think that police profiling people isn't a problem..

The name of Trayvon Martin was invoked early and often at a Capitol Hill hearing on federal anti-profiling laws Tuesday as supporters hope the furor over the shooting of the Florida teenage will prompt Congress to take up a legislation that has languished since 2001.

“The senseless death of this innocent young man should be a wake-up call,” said Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois, a co-sponsor of legislation that would expand current federal law enforcement guidelines against profiling and mandate training on racial profiling at all federal law enforcement agencies.

“He was profiled, followed, chased and murdered,” said Frederica Wilson, the cowboy hat-wearing congresswoman representing Miami Gardens where Trayvon lived with his mother. “This case has captured international attention and will go down in history as a textbook example of racial profiling.”

Davis said passage of S. 1670 would help police nationwide.

“Without the legislation and updated Department of Justice guidance we will continue business as usual and only respond to this issue when it surfaces through high-profile tragedies such as Oscar Grant case in Oakland, Calif., and the Trayvon Martin case in Sanford, Fla.,” he said.

But the remarks of Frank Gale, a 23-year veteran of the Denver police force and the vice president of the Fraternal Order of Police, illustrated one of the biggest obstacles facing supporters of a profiling ban: police unions.

Calling the bill “highly offensive,” Gale voiced the FOP’s “strong opposition” to S. 1670. The measure, he said, “provides a ‘solution’ to a problem that does not exist, unless one believes that the problem to be solved is that our nation’s law enforcement officers are racist.”

“We can and must restore the bonds of trust between law enforcement and minorities,” Gale said, but argued a profiling ban would only generate more mistrust, “because it is written with the presumption that racist tactics are common tool of our nation’s police departments.”

I got no words for this article...

Goddamn America..

Monday, April 23, 2012

Christian Nymphos - The Jumbo Shrimp of Religions

Christian Nymphos - The Jumbo Shrimp of Religions

Yes, it sounds like an odd thing but it's true. There's some Christian Nymphos out there and since it's common to find anything on the internet, you can find more about them on it... especially here at.. Christian Nymphos gone wild

You see those pictures of spices? That's cause of all the hot Christian sex you'll be having in the missionary position with the lights out, under the covers through the pee hole in your pajama pants.

Oh man, sexy! Come on in, folks, and see what we're all about!

Special side note: White Christians only, please. Sorry all you dark ladiez, none of your ape sex is allowed here.

So what exactly can you find out on this website? Well, the question section is fucking hilariously bad.
My husband of 16 years and I have a blessed love life, but I grew up in a conservative household and sex was a dirty and sinful thing. If it wasn’t missionary with my DH, I felt guilty. A little guilty for being taken doggy-style, a lot guilty for my DH taking me that way in my rear and REALLY guilty for taking him that way. I’ve learned to deal with it over the past decade and a half, but I always felt dirty and sinful to some degree for really enjoying lovemaking with my DH and engaging in the activities that really excite both of us.

I think I like the fiery spices in our marriage more than he does, probably because of how taboo I grew up being told that they were. Go figure. This site has opened my eyes on how my Lord Jesus Christ gave me a body that was designed to feel pleasure from all the different ways my husband touches me, and he has a body that loves to be pleasured by his nympho wife! Taking my advice for bedroom activities from The Holy Bible has been so healing for my marriage versus listening to those voices in my head from my parents.
And then there's the age range that they're going for that is insanely out there.
Our site was created with a target audience of married women ages 18 – 99.

Click Here to Drop a Prayer Request in the Prayer Request Box!

I would like to request prayer for the reconciliation of my marriage. I am currently separated from my husband, and I was the one who left. I left because I had to for my own safety and well-being. I know that leaving was the right thing to do for the time-being, but I was wrong when I thought it meant for good. Now I realize it’s only meant to be for a time until things that are broken in me and things that are broken in him are fixed so that we can reconcile in a healthy way, even if imperfect.
Welp, I guess that demonstrates that battered wife syndrome is all circular.
This might be a strange question, but what would be a good position for me to get a better view? Ilove my husbands body and would like to watch him entering me. Sorry if this sounds a little perversed, but idk how else to say it. Any suggestions?
Even on a site dedicated to helping Christian women feel less guilty about sex, they still feel guilty about sex. Who would have thunk it? And now for other stuff:

Sexy Christian Position List

Interview with Ex Swingers who were "Redeemed"

Click Here to Find out What Spice you Are Most Like

What the hell does DH stand for? I mean, let's be real here. Religion is pretty dumb and all, but this site just seems pretty harmless, all things considered. I mean, I can be cynical and with just about everything, but what's so objectionable about trying to make people feel less guilty about shagging? If anything, I should be encouraging it. At least they're, you know, trying to help separate themselves from that stereotype and stigma that sex carries with that culture.

Cause really, is that Christian wife pegging her husband? Well then - that sounds pretty open actually. And I love the wooden mannequins used to demonstrate positions. It's just so fitting for it. But I do have to question that the bible has any chapters on sex positions. I don't actually recall any of that.

Maybe it's just that I missed the part where Jesus was pegged by his DW (Dear Wife). And the site has instructions for devilish oral sex. We should smite it with holy fire from orbit, god sir. It's the only way to be sure.
A 50s-movie-star attractive friend who graduated from my college a year before me went and got married to her evangelical military virgin husband is absolutely disappointed every day because not only is her future more or less set as "military wife" but her husband is actually factually terrified and incompetent at sex to the point where doing it standing up is an alien and forbidden sex act
Well then, bend over, Mesiah, Sounds like a savior I could get behind! What's this? The Road-House position? From the movie?! I thought I was like one of 20 people who have actually seen it. But I guess there's a big culture in the bible belt for round house kicks to the head. My goodness, this site is the hottest thing ever!
Do you think there would ever be an occasion in which God would approve of my wife using some sort of toy anally on me? It’s something I pray about an awful lot… I feel that these sorts of fantasies probably require forgiveness. Having said that, if other couples are doing it happily and in the sight of the Lord, I don’t see why it shouldn’t cut both ways. What does everyone think?

I didn’t know it until after marriage, but I married a refuser. My wife insulted me and denigrated me for wanting sexual partnership in the marriage. She told me I might die childless because we would not be intimate. She told me she might not ever like or enjoy having a male in her life as a spouse. She told me sex might be important to me but it wasn’t to her, and told me that our marriage would be “just fine” as long as I was like her. For a period of time, she forbid me from talking about need for intimacy and told me she would move out if I mentioned the need for union in our marriage. She told me that [normal, loving, affectionate, kind, tender] sexual intimacy with me would destroy her. I was very much treated as if desire for sexual behavior in our marriage was a horrible, selfish sin. I was treated as if having sexual needs was repulsive and disgusting.

How the fuck does that even happen to get to that point? I mean, it makes me think of a real life Angela from the office. "Why yes, God told me to anal fist". It's like a feminist Christian outreach program.

Anyhow, time to parody the shit out of this...

Thy Kingdom Cum..
Blessed Art Thou Amongst Women, And Blessed Is That Bomb-Ass Womb
Blessed are the Stacked, for they shall inherit my Cock

But hey, what do you expect from me? My mind is in the gutter most often, but when first reading their names and then finding out it's not what I was thinking.. that's just insane. I mean.. look at this shit..

I suppose that CUMINGIRL thing was on purpose, but I can't shake the feeling that she just honestly didn't see it. But still, I can't hate on this because sex education for married couples is an awesome idea, especially for people whose knowledge was totally crippled by their idiotic religious beliefs.

“I was curious if any of you have every experimented with chastity devices for your husbands? Several years ago my wife and I bought a CB-3000 as a means of helping her control my curiosity toward pornography. If she found I had been looking at porn, she would withhold relations for some period that she determined and controlled. It also ensured that I wouldn’t go insane (i.e. remained faithful) while away on business. From my It perspective it was very effective but we only did it for six months. Several months after it was over, I lapsed into porn, but she didn’t want to resume using chastity as a corrective because she felt it was artificial. I was curious what you thought about this idea.”
Just look at that. It's pretty fucked up there. Anything is healthier than having sex in pitch darkness wearing pajamas and hating yourself. Because really, fuck that. I hate pajamas. I seriously do. I didn't wear them growing up and I don't wear them now. Unless it's my Justice League pajamas and I'm just feeling silly, but even then. Those have a hole in the crotch. So it's just, you know, a bit ironic.

But hey, let's look at the Christian Sandwich..
This is another variation of missionary. It’s a position that is fairly simple to explain and to show in pictures. You’ll either love it or hate it. I did not know what to call it, so I chose to call it The Sandwich, because it involves your husband folding you in half, or making a sandwich out of you
They're so cute and don't understand. . This method is one man short of a proper sandwich, I hope they know that. I should reword it to something like this;
This is another variation of missionary. It’s a position that is fairly simple to explain and to show in pictures. You’ll either love it or hate it. I did not know what to call it, so I chose to call it The Sandwich, because it involves your husband, your husband's friend dressed as Jesus and you as the meat in their "sandwich", PTL!
Yup, that's far more accurate for the position. Yes sir.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Recycle Your Shit, Yo

Recycle Your Shit, Yo

Here's the something blue portion of Earth Day - recycling. In that I'm talking about those blue bins. Anyhow, take a look at these little Fox made pieces that you may know someone who worked on. *wink* *wink*

Happy Earth Day

Speaking For The SUVee's Instead of the Trees

Speaking For The SUVee's Instead of the Trees

On this, Earth Day, I decided to pull a recycling job and dig out one of the articles I was working on when the movie was about come out - but then just, for some reason or some lethargic action - never bothered touching.

So it may seem dated as the film is probably in the dollar theaters, but it's relevant to Earth Day as the Lorax was one of those Dr. Seuss books that was pretty blunt with its undertones. So it's really strange to see that the marketing behind it was so.... capitalistic and anti-environmentally friendly.

Just look, they have him pimping out carbon omitting cars, for Christ sake..

Worse of all, it's not just a simple ad. It seemed that the whole marketing behind it was to pimp it out to their parents through their kids - not only as they sat in theaters, but in test focus groups.

“At Polk Elementary on Tuesday, more than 100 kindergarteners and fourth- and fifth-graders crowded into the multipurpose room for a rendition of Seuss’s classic environmentalist tale,” wrote Emma Brown.

Brown then described how a Mazda representative stood up, and told the children how they could help raise money for their school, winning a sweepstakes entry trip to Universal Studios in the process.

“All they had to do was persuade their parents to go to the nearest Mazda dealership for a test-drive,” Brown wrote. “For every person who test-drives a car -- and brings in a special certificate, which students received at school Tuesday -- Mazda will donate $25 to the NEA’s foundation for public schools.”

I'm... like, completely shocked. I'm also wondering why they didn't just cut out the middle man and offer promotional Lorax Brand axes to chop away trees left and right. But maybe I shouldn't be mad. I mean, that is capitalism working in a way to help a socialist problem. If they don't donate the $25, what will they do with it? Invest it into more consumer products they can pimp out and try to get these kid's parents to purchase down the line?

So there. I did a little recycling, but like any wedding I'll provide something old, something new something borrowed and something blue. It is, after all, Earth Day. So happy Earth Day! Just not sure when. Maybe later today if I'm not busy hugging a tree.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Jury Duty

Jury Duty

This Zimmerman case got me thinking about what it takes to get picked to be on a jury in a court case. To be frank, I think that the places that I post on the internet alone would preclude me from serving on a jury that has a half way decent lawyer choosing from the pool of jury members I'm in.

I mean, I would want to hang that jury like a mother fucker, and you know I'll do my hardest to bullshit my way in and say something like "Nope, I dun kno nutin aboot this case", but then decide how I felt using my socialist websites to get the evidence from. Because, you know, that's how I roll.

Oh, what's that? You want me to swear an oath to god? Okay, but you won't like what me and my god think about your oath..

To be perfectly honest, the best way to avoid being picked for a jury is to demonstrate that you are a sentient being. No one like me would ever get picked for a jury, to be honest. But that's because everyone like me is under 40 and if I had to guess, probably not fat and white. I've had jury duty before and I dressed up all nice and what not with a new haircut and everything and because I wanted to hang the jury so bad. But in the end I got dismissed and they decided to go with an all 40 year old and older majority white jury. It wasn't much of a shocker. But hey, I guess the lesson was learned there.

Whenever I do want to get out of jury duty I just tell them that I have no faith in the justice system because I was fucked over by the system on a fix-it ticket that turned into a warrant for my arrest because of a failure to appear situation. But considering that the missed court date was on account of another cop giving me an updated ticket with the wrong court and day to go, I didn't even realize I had missed the court date. So why should I have any trust or faith in a system that's going to do all that to you for something so incredibly minor and stupid, and yet they were all like "Well, we appreciate your honesty at least" and that's when they excused me from my civic duty of deciding the fate of some poor victim of the system.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Up In Smoke

Up In Smoke

Much like a broken clock is right twice a day, 4:20 happens both in the AM and PM. So why the hell not, let's go with pictures this time..

You know what he's doing in the oval office right now..

I love old pulp comics. God damn that's awesome. But not as awesome as these next posters for a show that got really bad..

Though I guess it's the pin-up art that is what I like about them the most.

And of course, this dude has to be on some weed..

But you know, we can't forget the other big thing that 4/20 means.. It's Hitler's Birthday!

But seriously, we when speak of evil on 4/20, we should look past Hitler and just look at what else happened today, on this glorious day of ambiguous pot origins and look to where we always look for evil - Florida. Because I do need some weed to get through the CNN live stream of Zimmerman's lawyer making statements about the case. Because really, that shit needs some highly medicated aid to get through. It's just great that they're trying to spin this as some sort of police incompetence in not gathering all this Exonerating Evidence somehow.

[Updated at 10:58 a.m. ET] The prosecuting attorney is now questioning Zimmerman. He asked whether Zimmerman had ever said he was sorry when he spoke to police. Zimmerman responded that he had told one of the investigators that "I felt sorry for the family."

The prosecutor told Zimmerman that if that's true, it must have been recorded. He asked Zimmerman if he was sure, and Zimmerman said he was "fairly certain."

[Updated at 10:55 a.m. ET] "I wanted to say I am sorry for the loss of your son," Zimmerman said on the stand, apparently addressing Martin's parents, who are in the room. (Watch video of apology)

Zimmerman also said he thought Martin was older than he was, and that he "didn't know if (Martin) was armed or not."

[Updated at 10:54 a.m. ET] Zimmerman is about the address the court. His attorney has called him to the stand.

Again... he said "I'm sorry for the loss of your son, I didn't know how old he was, thought he was younger than me and I didn't know if he was armed or not". That's literally the full thing he said. In one god damn sentence. God damn I need another bowl.

How does that even come close to justify shooting someone. I dunno.. didn't know the dude was armed or not, my bad! Welp, sorry I killed your son.. thought he might be a lil younger than me.. you know how it goes.

How could you say that in public to the mother of the child you lynched while she is in the same room? How exactly does your brain make you do that - or for that matter allow you to do it? I'm sorry for the loss of your son. How you lost your son, we will not discuss..

Say what you will about Hitler, at least he made the trains run on time..

4/20 Nevar Forget

4/20 Nevar Forget

Thursday, April 19, 2012



So the biggest stink out of Coachella wasn't that Radiohead played and rocked out, as I have heard the bootleg tape of at least three times already. But apparently the biggest shit was that Tupac came back from the dead...

Well, in holographic form. Which I guess is as close to a reality as you'll ever get to Tupac coming back from the dead.

Though with everyone henning and hawing, has anyone thought to mention yet that it's actually a volumetric projection not a hologram. You actually have to have the physical object to make a hologram and at the moment, they haven't reanimated Tupac's corpse yet - But that's also because it'll take till 2095 before Tupac will rise from the grave. For now he's just chillin in Serbia.

But let's pretend that he's actually dead and this is the closes you'll get, how the fuck did they think "You mang, let's make a holographic version of Tupac!"?

I love that. I mean.. it's only fitting that I actually post my favorite Tupac video to post on my blog whenever someone dies.

I think at this point I owe a lot of royalties on that shit now. If anything, those two videos sort of show that rappers these days are all a bunch of fucking pussy ass bitches when compared to those who were actually hard core in the day. And even them.. what the fuck is Ice Cube and Ice T doing these days... yeah, that's what I thought.

It does raise an interesting question - What happens after you die with your likeness? I'm sure as shit going to make sure that my last will and testament reads: No Holograms. I mean, can you really picture that sort of shit? "Imagine our low prices. It's easy if you try!" -Undead John Lennon, licensed spokesgram for Wal-Mart.

Where will Tupac show up next? You to can book Tupac to sing at your wedding and barmitzah!

I'm just waiting for the Supreme court ruling. March 2014 - In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court today sided with the Westboro Baptist Church in ruling that the dead had no Constitutional expectation of privacy and their holographic images could legally be projected outside their own funerals loudly decrying "their own God-damned faggot loving ways that caused their deserved deaths".

Then again, while death is certain, it's never a free pass to making sure your likeness will not be selling terrible shit anyway as it has been done with in the past

So really, it shouldn't be a surprise when Tupac is headlining tours with that digital anime chick over at staples center..

Just look at that hologram anime dancer. It's going to be real "cool" when anatomically impossible 3D simulacrae become the new beauty standard for women..

Any how. Here's a random picture of him in Ghost Busters. HAHAHAHAHHA. get it..

Okay, I'm bored with this topic now as I'm sure you are as well. Maybe I'm just projecting...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Obama Vs. Romney - Let The Fight Begin!

Obama Vs. Romney - Let The Fight Begin!

So now that frothy ass juice and cum has dropped out of the race, not to take away anything away from Ron Paul and Newt, but it seems that it's very clearly going to be a battle between Obama and Romney come November.

And by battle I mean a clean sweep. Because, really. This isn't a fight. It's like seeing a fan favorite wrestler fight some no name dude. You know the deck is stacked against him and Obama can't possibly lose this bitch.

But even with the victory pretty much in the bag with mr. awful at economics President, Obama did something that confused me. He released a terrible ad the other day, pointing out that Romney's accusation that he is, in fact, not a foaming-at-the-mouth fascist.. and this shit is slanderous none sense!

All I took away from that ad is this:
"Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack H. Obama might not be a complete fucking asshole," said mitt romney

"that's not true. i am a complete asshole" responded Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack H. Obama
But hey, it's cool that Obama has cut out the pretense and is now campaigning directly to the republican base. I mean, you can't really be too surprised by it. You know, those folks who otherwise you know as Americans.. you know, those who will be first against the wall.

Anyhow, the media is doing its darnedest to make Mitt look like, you know.. a Human We swear, he's human!

In a new campaign video, Mitt Romney's wife Ann regales the American people with heartwarming tales of what a fun-loving scamp the Presidential hopeful can be when he's roughhousing with their kids. In fact, she sighs, sometimes having Mittens around the house was a lot like having an extra kid. Inflating her mom credentials would make sense as a strategy if Ann Romney were running for America's Mommy-In-Chief, but since her husband is running for one of the most powerful positions in the world, perhaps rebranding him as a Steinbeckian ManBoy isn't the most politically salient idea.

I have to say, "Mitt Romney is like a son to his wife" sure doesn't sound creepy as shit at all.. I mean, I swear, it sounds totally normal...

Or maybe we should respect Romney for putting Kink in the public sphere in a rational and open way. If that's what he and his wife are into, it's not good to, you know, Kinkshame them or anything.
And the pranks — oh, the pranks! Mitt would wrestle and roughhouse and sling balls hither and tither. And there Ann would be, standing in an apron on the front stoop, crossing her arms and reminding herself that soon, five of her six children would grow up and leave the house, leaving her with her permanent child. Her forever-child. The one she married.
Damn girl. Why you gotta be so mean?

I know this may sound a bit off topic, but most of the fluff pieces I've read on Ann Romney really focus on her being maternal. Like the story about her making Mitt's favorite meatloaf or how he is her child and so on and such on and so forth. Opposed to how Michelle Obama was portrayed as a business woman and what not. Just thought I would point that out.

Anyhow, the big picture to focus on that is that Mitt likes Meatloaf. Yes, clearly he's a normal person like you and me. Why yes, I would do anything for America, but I won't do that.. No sir. Not meatloaf.

Man, I have to admit, that's the recipe he likes? Surprise Surprise. It's literally the most boring meatloaf recipe you probably will ever see. Not even the creativity to do like the 70/30 beef/pork mix or go really wild and throw down with some lamb. Let us not mention the sauce.

Weak sauce, indeed. Her pinterest also apparently lists recipes for red white and blue cupcakes and red white and blue punch. My god, their taste are pretty damn dull at the Romney table. But it's pretty clear that they're trying to frame her as an All-American Mom. And all of the buzzing you hear is a million different dog whistles going off and subtly nodding to a policy position Mitt is trying to sell himself on.

Because really, do people in the waste lands of America really put crumbled up potato chips on their tuna casserole? Do they actually make Tuna casserole itself? That seems like something either a 5 year old left home alone for a week and on the verge of starvation or someone who's completely given up on life would put together.

But anyhow, now that the Republican slobber knocker is done, Mitt Romney can begin to show that he cares about women...
(CNN) - Mitt Romney, eager to close the persistent gender gap opening up between himself and President Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack H. Obama, has begun using an eyebrow-raising statistic on the campaign trail. "Did you know that of all the jobs lost during the Obama years, 92.3% are women? During the Obama years. Women have suffered." Romney told a crowd Tuesday in Pennsylvania.

He made the claim again Wednesday in an interview on Fox News, saying "Over 92% of the jobs lost under his president were lost by women. His polices have been really a war on women."
Women of the United States, I care about you. My mother was a woman. - Willard Romney

My god, I've never seen a more transparent politician. I've seen better actors on Sci-fi original movies.

But the thing that makes me the angriest about all this is how one of the things these two idiots, both Obama and Romney, will argue about will be who cares about women more. But then neither actually, you know, does anything about it... Or even mean what they say.

We're literally living in a country where paying women equally as men is a controversial issue that isn't worth touching.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

License To Offend

License To Offend

So when I was renewing my drivers license once my birthday came up, I realized I could get a personalized license plate. Then it got me thinking what other places had personalized license plates. The first place that popped up was Texas.

The following is just a bit of fun with all of it..

Not to fear, I'm pretty sure that there's plenty of ways to get across that your white power affiliation through state - sponsored means. They don't do things small, deep in the heart of Los Grandes Yermos DeMierda

Hell's to the yeah, man. The Electronic Entertainment Expo RULEZ! Oh wait. no. I mean Goatse...

Welp, looks like I'm going to have to get a new personalized license plate or something.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Next Bubble - Student Loans

The Next Bubble - Student Loans

Well, it looks like we know what the next bubble that will burst, and it's all about student loans.
Back in 2006, contrary to conventional wisdom, many financial professionals were well aware of the subprime bubble, and that the trajectory of home prices was unsustainable. However, because there was no way to know just when it would pop, few if any dared to bet against the herd (those who did, and did so early despite all odds, made greater than 100-1 returns). Fast forward to today, when the most comparable to subprime, cheap credit-induced bubble, is that of student loans (for extended literature on why the non-dischargeable student loan bubble will "create a generation of wage slavery" read this and much of the easily accessible literature on the topic elsewhere) which have now surpassed $1 trillion in notional. Yet oddly enough, just like in the case of the subprime bubble, so in the ongoing expansion of the credit bubble manifested in this case by student loans, we have an early warning that the party is almost over, coming from the most unexpected of sources: JPMorgan.


And with all private players stepping out very actively, it only leaves the government, with its extensive system of 'checks and balances', to hand out loans to America's ever more destitute students, with the reckless abandon of a Wells Fargo NINJA-specialized loan officer in 2005. What will be hilarious in 2014, when taxpayers are fuming at the latest multi-trillion bailout, now that we know that $270 billion in student loans are at least 30 days delinquent which can only have one very sad ending, is that the government will have no evil banker scapegoats to blame loose lending standards on. And why would they: after all it is this administration's sworn Keynesian duty to make every student a debt slave in perpetuity, but only after they buy a lifetime supply of iPads. Then again by 2014 we will have far greater problems (and for most in the administration, it will be "someone else's problem").

For now, our advice - just do what Jamie Dimon is doing: duck and hide for cover.

Oh, and if there is a cheap student loan synthetic short out there, which has the same upside potential as the ABX did in late 2006, please advise.

Welp, what do you know. 270 billion dollars in loans that are at least 30 days past due? I know a few people who have tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, graduate students can now no longer defer repayment on their loans and they have uncapped interest rates all thanks to Obama.

So basically they're fucked. To be honest, their game plan seems like a solid one. In that they plan on instead of paying it back, they're just going to finish their education and then leave the country. Again, that sounds pretty solid of a plan.

The only other viable option for those who are in massive student loan debt is to never try to repay it and just take the wage garnishment until they retire, as garnishment is capped at 25% of take home income... Well, as defined as gross income minus fed poverty line. But I guess the response to that would be to dramatically raise the garnishment cap. Just imagine, Doctors and teachers and engineers eating cat food to survive.. oh wait, teachers wouldn't even have enough cash to afford that cat food.

A lot of the people stuck in this mess don't even really know how much they owe and have lost track of all this shit as the loans have been handed off between so many different organizations at this point and have wide ranges of interest rates. But yeah, maybe it'll get to the point like the health billing in America, where the actual value of what you owe gets so detached from reality that if you so much as imply you're willing to pay off some part of your loans, they'll stop bothering you. Which sounds like a good thing in a really perverted way.

I mean, it's already a situation where they made it so that it ignores bankruptcy forever. So try getting out of that student loan that way, I dare you. Now maybe I'm just a simple, old-fashioned country lumber baron's suite, but it still strikes me as odd that these groups refer to finance options as "products".

Student loans are pretty much robbery in my mind. It's the signifying way that capitalism keeps the poor under-educated and poor. The fact that you have to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars just to learn. More people should read massive amounts of books. And fuck text books, it's all about E-books. Pirate all books. Textbooks, fiction, nonfiction, everything. Just pirate it all.

Because God is capitalism, the fruit of knowledge is education and Satan is communism - that provides free education to all. And in this case, Satan is correct. Satan is always correct. ALL HAIL SATAN!

Because seriously, if you think most of these people will ever make enough to pay off their student loans, ha! Good fuckin' luck with that bullshit. They may as well just waive student loan debt. At least that would do more to stimulate the economy and job growth than anything since WW2.

Till that happens, perhaps you shouldn't get anymore student loans. In fact, make sure you don't have anyone cosign your loans with you. It's just a mistake no matter what way you look at it. Besides that, it makes it a little trickier to skip out of the country when your folks are going to lose their house if you do.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Men Who Stare At Goatse

The Men Who Stare At Goatse

First off, this is just going to blow your mind, but GOATSE stands for Guy Opens Ass To Show Everyone.

I have to admit that I feel like I ascended to a new level of consciousness after hearing that. But yeah, that's really what it stands for. Apparently Gawker did a huge investigative special on it. So yeah, I guess it took a crack team to track down the famous ass man. First off, his name is Kirk Johnson, and before anything else, I have to imagine that it's really hard to do "meme" journalism. The internet anthropology seems very difficult to narrow down because a lot of the images/videos and gifs just happen to appear to most people and tracing their roots seems like it would be very difficult.

But here you go, Gawker's hard hitting investigation
Finding Goatse: The Mystery Man Behind the Most Disturbing Internet Meme in History

Sometime in the late 20th century a naked man bent over, spread his ass and took a picture. Eventually that picture, known as Goatse, became one of the most venerable memes in internet history. Who is this man, and how did his ass take over the internet?

The story of Goatse begins with a mustachioed, wiry man in his late forties who goes by the name "Kirk Johnson." Johnson is a prominent practitioner of extreme penetration, which is the extreme penetration community's term of art for sticking huge objects up your ass. For years, Johnson has been rumored to be the Goatse man, based on their similar frame, skills, and matching moles on both Goatse's and Johnson's ass.

Reader, I examined the moles. They match. ***

Everyone remembers their first Goatse (pronounced Goat-see). I'm not sure the exact circumstances of my first, but I do recall the weightless horror after clicking on the link as a greasy teenager, screwing around online between rounds of the first-person shooter Counter-Strike, that directed me to the now-defunct Goatse shock site:

This is what I saw at a picture of a skinny naked man with his back to the camera, bent over at a 45 degree angle. He's reaching back with both hands, four-fingers deep, stretching his asshole to the diameter of a cantaloupe. It's a flash photo taken very close and the man's gaping ass is lit a queasy red against a nondescript dark room, everything else dangling where it should be. The photo is cropped at the man's neck; the one tantalizing clue to his identity, besides his obvious talent, is what appears to be a gold wedding band on his left hand.

(Oh, just go see it for yourself, if you must, but be warned: It is as awful as its reputation claims. Don't open this at work. But if you sincerely feel your time has come, here's Goatse. I recommend exercising similar caution in following the links throughout this article.)

Your first Goatse hits you in waves, rocking between confusion and disgust as the physiological reality of the picture resolves gradually, magic-eye style. Jay Stile, the pseudonymous founder of the infamous shock site Stile Project and a person who has seen more than his share of gross things, clearly remembers his first thoughts upon seeing Goatse.

"One: How is that physically possible? How is he not dead?" Stile told me. "Two: Why would any human ever want to do that? Three: the guy had a wedding ring on his picture! It's probably, like, your university professor, or a doctor or a lawyer. You have no idea who this person is; it could be your neighbor—behind closed doors, people really do fucked up shit. You go through this whole range of emotions. Why, who, what, where? It's just fucked. It's unbelievable that someone would do that."

And after that: "Oh God, I need to show this to everyone so they feel the same pain I did."

Since the late ‘90s, this sequence of events has been repeated often enough that it's safe to say that millions of people have shared the pain of their first Goatse. The photo was the original internet bait-and-switch: Share a link to a hot girl, a cute puppy, but— boom—it's Goatse instead. Goatse'ing someone without their consent is emotional assault. It's also funny as shit.

Goatse peaked in popularity in the mid-2000s and then faded, but it remains the most enduring meme of Web 1.0. There are T-shirts and tribute sites. The mere mention of Goatse will bring a wince—or a smile, depending on the person—to the face of the initiated.

But for all that, the full history of Goatse has never been told. After two weeks of staring deep into the metaphorical and literal black hole of Goatse, it's easy to see why.

Kirk Johnson's bios on his many porn site profiles describe a bisexual man with a penchant for huge black dildos. He's anywhere from 45 to 48 years old, depending on which profile you go by. He's stunningly prolific. His profile on the adult image-sharing site Imagefap, which holds the most complete collection of his work, boasts 15,156 photos, all of which have been compiled over the last five and a half years. His videos of xTube have been collectively viewed more than 22 million times.

When I began looking into Goatse's identity, I depended on the longtime rumors that the men's similar frame and matching moles all pointed toward Johnson. I couldn't be sure, though, so I consulted an expert: A man who calls himself Grey. He's the proprietor of the Big Sex Toy Store, an online erotic novelty shop specializing in extreme penetration gear, where the bestseller is an eight-inch PVC slip-on penis-extender. Grey is very familiar with both Goatse and Johnson, and he approaches them both with the practiced eye of the connoisseur.

"It's like a musician going to a symphony concert. They're going to hear things different than the average person," Grey, a middle-aged man who talks about jumbo butt plugs like they're models of lawnmowers, told me over the phone.

And Grey's discerning eye says Goatse and Johnson are the same person.

"If you've seen enough of his videos you can kind of recognize him pretty quickly. 'Oh, I know that butt!'" Grey said. "He's kind of a slender guy but he inserts these huge objects to an incredible depth. I admire his capabilities." Grey said he once emailed Johnson an offer of some free free toys, but never heard back.

While I had Grey on the phone, I asked about the other big mystery of Goatse. Does this guy have to wear a diaper, or what? Grey must get asked this a lot. He patiently explained that extreme penetration is like any extreme sport. Injuries can and do occur, but only if you're reckless. He's never heard of even the most extreme penetrator ever requiring a diaper.

"The anus is a voluntary muscle," he said. "Our parents trained us to close them, you can train them to open. It takes time, it takes practice, it takes lots of lubricant. But you're actually training the muscle. You're improving the muscle tone by doing this."

Mystery solved. ***

In an earlier time, Johnson would have trained his muscle in obscurity; maybe a few shoeboxes of his pictures would have ended up in some extremely dedicated porn fanatic's collection. But around 1997, a collection of 40 pictures of Johnson— including the now-famous one—called "" began making the rounds in gay porn communities on the global forum network Usenet.

Usenet was an early iteration of the massively crowd-sourced web we have today. A free-wheeling cauldron of chatter and shared images, anyone could create a forum dedicated to their interests. And unlike corporate-controlled AOL chatrooms that were at least nominally policed, Usenet was decentralized, built from the ground up to protect free speech. In the early and mid ‘90s, Usenet filled up with all the weirdos, hobbyists, trolls and geeks who had previously congregated online on isolated dial-up message boards, if at all. The natural result of this grand union was an epic flamewar between cat lovers and trolls. Porn, including a disturbing amount of child porn, flooded the site's "alternative" boards. Usenet, in other words, was the perfect primordial soup for Goatse to crawl out of.

It's unclear if Johnson uploaded the fateful file himself. Some sources say Johnson self-posted to the gay porn forums. But one Usenet gay porn fan who recalled spotting back in the day told me in an email, "It is unwise to identify the file as originating from usenet, as though Johnson posted it there himself. A lot of these files 'originated' in emails, ftp servers, etc." Maybe the photos were a special gift for a friend.

So the image that would eventually be known, almost universally, as Goatse first emerged in a tiny, dark corner of the web. But to become a true viral sensation required a crucial leap in technological sophistication. And Goatse had to be named.

The first step came when the famous image from the file was plucked off of Usenet by a group of online friends called the Hick crew. By all accounts, Hick members were that special geek brand of technically brilliant poop joke-tellers. They were teenage hackers, programmers, pranksters, and internet fanatics, mostly men, who made their home base on the website ("The farm") and shot the shit in chat rooms.

The website was managed by Matthew Miller, a notorious computer programmer known online as "Skape." Miller would eventually make his name developing Metasploit, a powerful tool for finding vulnerabilities in software, and he now works for Microsoft's security team in Seattle. A giant cow's face with a human mouth greeted visitors to, which also hosted the official site of the "Firm Penis Corp."
By 1998, the Goatse image had become a running joke in the Hick crew, used to screw with one another and their enemies. One of their favorite pranks, according to former Hick associate Orin Heidlberg, was to invade Christian chat rooms and scroll endless links to the image until the room emptied and they could use it for themselves.

"That was a dark time in my life," Heidlberg told me. She'd been inducted into the crew on the strength of a satirical website she made. "That's what I did in high school. There were certain channels we would kind of bully. 'Christian Singles' was one of them and 'Jesus' was one of them."

After the squares fled, the Hick crew would take up the channel as their own.

It was fun, but the reach of Goatse was limited by a clunky distribution method. This was before Flickr and ubiquitous cloud storage, so the image was stored in an unlabeled directory on a server owned by Miller, according to Heidlberg. The unwieldy URL—, say—didn't make for good bait to catch unaware browsers. (This was before URL shorteners made all links easily booby-trapped.)
"They wanted an easier place for people to see it other than just a directory on another website," Heidlberg said.

So in 1999, a hacker and Hick associate who used the handle Merl1n registered "for the purpose of dun möch," according to a person familiar with the early days of the site. The meaning of the domain has been hotly debated. Some say it's an approximation of "Got Sex?" a play on the Got Milk campaigns popular at the time, or an acronym for "Guy Opens Ass To Show Everyone."

We may never know for sure. "Honestly, no one talked about the meaning of Goatse so I'm not sure why merl1n chose the name," said our source. "But with the .cx domain a lot of people pronounced it 'goat sex' as well."

But at the time, the Hick crew knew a dedicated webpage would help them spread the word of Goatse. The unusual .cx domain in particular was a brilliant touch, as it hinted at some undiscovered internet realm. would also come to include a feedback page, which featured fan mail, screeds against the site, and various people claiming to be Goatse man himself. The archived (safe-for-work!) feedback page is like a congregation praying to a one-eyed God.

Heidlberg remembers when a member of the Hick crew excitedly IMed her the link after had gone live.

"I remember him being really pumped when it was happening, saying 'Everyone's going to see this and you're going to tell everybody.'"

Heidlberg took advantage of the new Goatse site right away. She secretly changed the browser homepage of all of the computers in her library's lab to After half a day of students' brains melting, the librarians, unable to change the homepages back, called on the one person they knew had the technical knowledge for help: Heidlberg.

"That's my greatest feat of computer hacking," said Heidlberg, who never did any real hacking. "Bringing Goatse into ‘real life' felt like a rad hacker prank, or a real-life troll. It let me be as cool in real life as I was online."

More impressively, after the Yankees won the World Series in 2000, a hacker redirected all the mail from to "We called up to tell them we were getting there mail (which was pretty funny..), then later on the FBI calls wanting to 'meet,'" a Hick member named Shane boasted at the time. ***

With the shareable domain name, quickly made the leap from underground inside joke to the geek mainstream. Now you didn't need a server to host your own image, or get inducted into the Hick Crew: The site was sitting there, begging for its next victim, and noobs were falling by the thousand. Even the New York Times would find itself Goatse'd, in a way.

In the early 2000s, the venerable tech news site Slashdot became so inundated with Goatse links in comments and posts that it was forced to change its code to allow users to see the domain of the site they were about to visit, specifically to keep them from getting Goatse'd at work.

Pioneering internet culture blog Boing Boing posted so much about Goatse that some of its readers quit the site. "After 3 Goatse references in 4 days. I don't care what is said on the blog at all," griped one blogger. "That's enough, it's a horrible thing, and if you don't now what I'm talking about then I suggest you DON'T go looking for an answer."

There was a difference between the Goatse obsession of Boing Boing and the earlier Hick crew. Boing Boing constantly referenced the gaping ass but never showed it. They posted reactions to the Goatse, stories about other people Goatseing celebrities, and countless corporate logos or book covers that had an unfortunate resemblance to Goatse.

The joke was more about the existence of Goatse, and what its existence said about the internet, than simply frightening squares off. Goatse "occupies a sweet spot, horrifying as that phrase might seem in this context, for mainstream America's prejudices about the internet it was collectively pouring itself into at the time," Rob Beschizza, a Boing Boing blogger, told me in an email. "Goatse exemplifies how the internet brought the weird and wild right in front of people's faces, but is so absurd and funny that its disgustingness is somehow defanged."

The sentiment was widespread at the time. Goatse wasn't an isolated phenomon. The early 2000s were a good time for anything disgusting on the web. Famous shock sites like Tubgirl (girl + body fluids + tub) and lemonparty (old dude orgy) went live and found followings. Around the country, was demolishing teenage innocence.

Driving the gross-out trend were strange entities called "everything/nothing" (E/N) sites. Part Livejournal, part proto-social networking profile, E/N was where disaffected young people who spent too much time on the internet threw up whatever scraps of web detritus they could find or make. Their all-encompassing ambivalence was captured in the name.

If there was one thing connecting the E/N scene, it was the desire to shock. E/N girls mainlyshocked with frank discussions of their personal lives and confessional webcam sessions. E/N guys shocked with porn and gore.

Jay Stile was one of the E/N guys when he started his own site, the Stile Project, in 1999. The site began as typical E/N fare, with daily musings interspersed with the occasional exotic pornographic artifact. But he quickly realized that it was the gross stuff that brought traffic. He ditched the words and turned into a tireless filth aggregator, combing the web for the most fucked-up pictures and videos of gore and porn he could find. He started his search at breakfast.
"For 12 years straight, seven days a week," he told me, "I would wake up and go filter through millions of pictures looking for the weird, odd fetishes."

Stile Project hosted the entire file and the Goatse image, of course. Stile once wrote a fake article announcing that Goatse guy had died from stretching his ass too far, a rumor that still persists today. He pulled a more impressive stunt in 1999 by faking his own suicide by hanging on webcam. Howard Stern discussed whether he was actually dead on his radio show, and Stile won a Webby award for his work in 2000.

At one point, Stile told me, he was getting a half-million page views a day. And it wasn't just dudes who were fans. Stile wistfully recalled his far-flung female "groupies" who would put on private webcam shows for him.

"Web fame can be pretty fun," he said.

By the time he was 27, Stile had saved enough to buy a house and finally move out of his mom's basement—and to pay for the therapy sessions he now needs to cope with what he's seen.
It was through the E/N scene, so epitomized by Stile's site, that prominent tech blogger and entrepreneur Anil Dash first discovered Goatse. He's one of the erudite, funny geeks you wouldn't think at first would be a fan of a giant gaping ass, but he was attracted by the sense that all the fuss around Goatse suggested signs of a new, vibrant web culture.

"It was kind of a secret handshake thing," Dash said. "It was so transgressive that it could only happen on the web. And it was something that was a bit of a hazing ritual, an induction ritual that you went through and now you're part of web culture."

So when, in 2005, the New York Times called his San Francisco office to tell him a photographer was on his way to take his picture for an article, Dash sprinted two blocks home and changed into a T-shirt he had bought. It was branded with the word GOATSE and the characteristic stretching hands. He had never actually thought he'd wear it.

"I was really worried, because I knew [New York Times Technology Editor] David Gallagher and I knew he would get it—and I thought, oh man, if he saw it that would be bad." But the shirt made it through the Times' edits. The next morning, Dash was bombarded by friends who had seen the paper on the East Coast, and a picture of him smiling in the Goatse T-shirt lit up the triumphantblogosphere.

"The Times' revealing that they didn't know there was a web culture that could be disseminated through their newspaper was a big thing," he said.

Goatse had completed its transformation from sex picture to hacker gag to internet emblem. ***

One thing gives me pause about Kirk Johnson's identity as Goatse. The Goatse picture is some dark Lovecraftian horror, a hurried snapshot of a secret shame. But Kirk Johnson poses with his face and dopey mustache in full view in proud, well-lit space. Indoors, Johnson works in a single corner of a beige room, in front of a white door. Sometimes he moves to a big bathroom with a new slate floor. Outdoors, Johnson does his stuff in a bright meadow, or a quiet birch grove. In one picture he's doing it ankle-deep in the shallows of a pond, framed by lime-green reeds. The seasons change. Here is Kirk spread-eagle on a bare piece of ground between snow patches. In all of them, the weird contrast between the wholesomeness of his rural abode and the literally gut-wrenching things he does to his body is completely at odds from the freakshow vibe of Goatse. Also, the wedding ring is nowhere to be seen.

There's no question that Kirk Johnson is aware of the Goatse phenomenon. His porn profiles are littered with people paying their respects to "Goatse man." Tim Hwang, an entrepreneur and founder of the influential internet culture convention Roflcon, invited Johnson to do an interview for a documentary. Hwang never heard back, and from what I can tell, Johnson almost never communicates with his fans, let alone journalists. I sent him a number of messages while he was logged into his accounts and never got a reply.

The one person I found who did claim to have direct contact with Johnson was the owner of the fisting porn site He goes by the name Gerco. In a 2006 post on the porn industry message board Go Fuck Yourself, Gerco offered a possible explanation for how the sad man in Goatse became the carefree Kirk Johnson [sic'd]:

His ex was a nurse, he use to fly experimental aircraft, and ultralights. He works as a truck driver etc. I have talked with him many times and he has provided content for EH but, just his solo stuff. I don't have a "amatuer" section on the site anymore so I don't use any of it.
He's actually is a regular poster on other boards and in some newsgroups. Including current pictures and video. He's had a rough time of it, got divorced lost most everything. It's been about 7 months since I talked to him on the phone last, but he had moved into a new house out in the country. His new pictures reflect that since he now has the freedom to do his extreme play outside on his property. I sent him an email about an hour ago to see if would be interested in hooking up for a paid shoot, BUT I have been down this road many times with him and have never been able to actually get it worked out. Believe it or not, but he is also a private person.

But in an email, Gerco wouldn't elaborate on his relationship with Johnson and said he'd lost contact with him years ago. He did, however, tell me that Johnson knew about Goatse. "Yes he was [aware] but disappointed that everyone seemed to be making money off him without compensating him for it."

The time for Johnson to cash in on his fame has probably passed. The website was shut down in 2004 after a complaint from a Christmas Island resident, and though the image continues to horrify many through a number of knock-offs, it seems that the internet's heart just isn't in it anymore. A huge portion of the web's cultural activity takes place on Facebook these days, which has a small army dedicated to cracking down people who post images like Goatse.

The Internet's gross-out moment has passed, too. Internet culture these days does come from the hacker and programmer underground, as Goatse did in the '90s. But the tamer form of xkcd comics, unfunny Men's Rights Advocacy Forum memes and the latest bombastic video from the hacktivist collective Anonymous dominates the web instead.

"We've gone past 'jaded' to the point where the internet's nasty underbelly is just part of our collective imagination rather than something to fear," said Beschizza, the Boing Boing blogger.
Jay Stile sold his site last year, and it became a vanilla porn portal. Stile is now a marketing consultant for porn sites.

"I got burnt out after doing it for 12 years," he said. "I wake up and I'm eating an omelet while looking at girls shitting in people's mouths and I was like, 'this is not how I want to spend my morning.' I'm done with this shit."
After just two weeks in the gaping chasm of Goatse, I know where he's coming from.
In the end, I guess in some strange cultural understanding, it's probably important that someone actually tracked down this stuff, but I don't think I could live with myself if I was writing about the history of the Rage faces and gaping assholes. But I have to say thanks to Gawker for shinning the light on something that the sun doesn't shine on.