Friday, December 31, 2010

Party Hard..

Party Hard

It would be highly irresponsible of me to encourage excess amounts of drinking. You know, especially after I just wrote a piece about encouraging mass suicide. So perhaps I'll plead the fifth here. It's not like you need me to tell you to drink a lot tonight. It is New Years, the time when everyone just wants to chug any and everything to make sure that the year ends with no regrets and the new one starts with a massive hangover as well as the lesson of "man, I probably shouldn't drink like that anymore"

But sure enough, there's an ad campaign promoting responsibility and I just want to make fun of it. So here we go. Can anyone tell me the lesson learned from this following ad campaign?

How about DON'T PUT YOUR DRINKS ON THE POOL TABLE! At the very least use a goddamn coaster, sheesh! Just look at how she's got him pinned helpless against the table! Cunningly cutting off his path to escape with her raised leg. Clever girl.

Just look at how much the two other people wish they had even a little bit of human contact. Part of me feels like they're actually looking at each other and not at the people making out. Like, maybe they're thinking "Hey, wanna have some fun as well? I'll get the shots!"

I really don't understand this advertisement. Is she suppose to be fat? She doesn't look any bigger or smaller than the girl in the background. Why is it exactly that getting shit faced drunk was so bad of a thing? Oh, is it because she's engaging in activity which allegedly will be embarrassing later, and the ad is a plea for moderation?

Perhaps the lesson is to not make out in a bar because you'll be making everyone else sad and unhappy and being all gross like.

I do know the lesson of the next image and it's very simple.... Don't drink! You might temporarily overcome the inane restrictions society has arbitrarily placed upon you.

But maybe the original poster had a point about the whole making out in public. Making out after you're 24 is tacky and pointless. Get on with the sex already. You're not Archie and Jug-head. Get on with what matters.. getting it on. For which, Alcohol can more than be a helpful tool with.

Why yes, you may look like a creep.... to the sober people. But to the drunk people, you'll look totally cool. Or at least potentially like some sort of strange magical creature come to bring them some more beer as well as good tidings and three wishes. One of which will be used to make the room stop spinning.

This next set of the same advertisement is geared towards making sure you don't piss off friends and loved ones. Well, mainly to make sure that you stick to getting into bar room brawls with total strangers and not with your close "friends".

I don't get this one either. Perhaps you could use alcohol to filter out those morons who aren't actually your friends. You know, if your friendships aren't drunk-proof, then you have really shitty friends and should consider going out and getting new ones.

This whole notion of people losing their friends is a good thing because then they can go make friends with some others who aren't a bunch of uptight prudish judgmental grudge-nursing assholes.

Well now, this advertisement is just reinforcing the sexist notion that women can't hold their liquor. Besides that, women generally have little to no problem in telling you how they feel when they're sober. Why do you think they will let loose with the insults only after a couple of drinks?

Oh no, a total cunt who's boyfriend you were flirting with while drunk is totally not going to be your friend anymore. You know what that means, right? Fuck it. Sleep with him and then rub her face in it. I mean, seriously. What's the worse thing you can tell your friend while drunk? That you slept with her man? That you know he's cheated on her with someone else?

Usually the shit that comes out while drunk is the shit that has been buried not-so-deep and it just goes to show you that your friendship isn't as deep as you thought it was to begin with. So if anything, alcohol is doing you a favor and helping to push you in a direction you should have gone to a long time ago.

I'm not saying you're a good friend, all I'm saying is that alcohol is liquid courage. As highlighted in this next ad.

Oh yes, I know this one all too well. It' the embarrassment of drunkenly sitting by yourself in a fun bar with a dart board, pool tables, drunk friends while other people enjoy life. This ad just simply shows that when you're drunk you think you're cool when you're really not. Guess what, even sober you think you're cool when you're really not. That's life.

Is this such a bad thing? Probably. But you're drunk, so you won't realize you were a dick till way after. It's the people who aren't drunk that really get to see how much of a dick you are. And it's there fault for not being drunk as well. Cause then they'll be blinded by how much of a dick they are, as well as how much of an self absorbed asshole they're being.

So what's the next ad fighting against? Well now, it must be your street cred....

Oh noes! I showed my frontal fat/milk sacs to my idiot friends! You know, if your friends haven't at some point seen you naked or nearly naked, then you're really doing it wrong. Oh, I'm sorry. Did society instill the notion that the human body is something gross and should always be covered up at all times by layers and layers of clothing? Get over it. Their tits/cock/pussy/butt cheeks.

Evidently this is a big enough concern that they had to spend the money on two of the same warnings that drinking may lead to you showing your fun bags to your friends. You know, I don't know about you, but I don't think this is the worse thing in the world.

The problem with all these images is that they're suppose to happen. It's like going to the movies and not seeing the trailers. What's the point of partying with a bunch of people who can't hold their alcohol and wish to let their inhibitions out if you're going to beat it into their skulls about moderation.

I ask, what's the point of partying at all if a bunch of fucked up shit didn't happen? That's the warp and woof of getting wasted. It's like going on Google and pressing "I feel lucky". Yeah, sometimes you may end up with puke on your clothing or having to take care of some stumbling drunk, but then it's balanced out with the times someone makes a complete fool out of themselves or the potential nearly naked late night pool raid.

Just look at all the ads in this post. If you scroll through those images, it's like exactly what you see being out on a really long, fun night of drunken stupidity.

At least those ads are not as stupid as this little video clip that I'm about to embed here. I mean, this has got to be the worse and most stretched out possibility in terms of drinking and creating an issue. I don't know how to even put it into words how stupid the ad is, but let's let it speak for itself.

Yes, that's right... Drinking and getting shit faced at a party (where everyone else is drinking) can lead to killing someone's baby. You know what, what the fuck is she even doing at a party when she's that round and pregnant? How about not going to the local kegger when you're knocked up.

And it's not even the issue of being drunk. Usually when you're really drunk, you don't stumble around like that if you're falling. You simply drop like a brick. You don't have the common sense to stumble about. The only thing you can possibly do is just stop any motor skills. So this notion that the drunk killed a baby is stupid.

Imagine the people behind this whole campaign. People who think these are really important messages. Forget about the social ineptitude that you are showing in a crowd. How about you focus on the real issue.. drunk driving.

If you're going to drink... DON'T DRIVE. It's that simple. Especially not tonight. I mean, if there's one night you don't want to be on the road even with a slight misalignment of your tires, it's tonight. Cops will be out in full force. If you're getting buzzed or anything past two drinks.. it's better to just sleep where you fall.

That's a simple enough public service announcement, right? On the other hand... do show boobs. Yes. there you go.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A New Year - A New Diet....

A New Year - A New Diet....

With a new year approaching I have come to expect that just about everyone has it come across their mind that they think they'll get into shape in 2011. That finally, they'll reach that desired goal weight. This year it will happen!

More gym memberships get sold and people are out and about in this lovely southern California weather getting a good work out going. Well, not this person..
A WOMAN who hopes to become the fattest woman in the world is now 30,000 calories closer to her 453.5kg (1000lb) goal with a festive feast that could have fed dozens of people.

Donna Simpson, who weights 292kg, sat in a reinforced metal chair, chowed down on the world's biggest Christmas dinner as she ate for two straight hours.

The single mother-of-two, from New Jersey in the US, tucked into two 11kg (25lb) turkeys, two maple-glazed hams, 6.8kg (15lbs) of potatoes - 4.5kg (10lbs) roast, 2.3kg (5lbs) mashed, five loaves of bread, 2.3kg of herb stuffing, three litres of gravy, three litres of cranberry dressing and an astonishing 9kg (20lbs) of vegetables.

After polishing off her enormous main course, she still had room for dessert and ate a "salad" made of marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies.

Simpson's two children, Devin, 14, and Jacqueline, three, enjoyed a more modest feast.

The 157.5cm tall Simpson defended her meal, saying: "I eat as much as I want, whenever I want but at this time of year I really go all out.

"Christmas should give you carte blanche to do whatever you want."

Simpson, who insists she is healthy, told the Sunday Mirror newspaper in the UK: "People who feel guilty about eating are hilarious.'

She makes a living from being fat, getting paid to make public appearances and keeping a website where people can pay to watch her eat.

Already a Guinness world record holder for being the largest woman to ever give birth, Simpson hopes to gain 160kg (25 stone) more and officially become the fattest woman in the world.

She got the Guinness World Record as the world's fattest mother, when she gave birth in 2007 weighing 241kg (38 stone).

She needed a team of 30 medics to deliver her daughter Jacqueline during a high-risk Caesarean birth.

Simpson met Jacqueline's father Philippe on a dating site for plus-size people, even though he weighed only 63.5 kg (10 stone). He supported her 12,000-calorie a day diet and was a "belly man" who loved her enormous shape.

First off, I have to apologize. It seems that the article is British and one of their stupidities besides still having a monarchy is that they have a stupid way of taking scales. What the fuck is a stone?! I mean, what the fuck. Well, I'll drop some knowledge on you. A stone is 14 pounds. Why is a stone 14 pounds? Fuck if I know.

Perhaps the Lady of the Lake gave them this piece of knowledge like they gave King Arthur Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that 14 pounds is equal to one stone. But listen here, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme weight conversion derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcicial aquatic ceremony!

But anyway. Moving on to the article.. this is just digusting. There's better and easier ways to kill yourself. You don't have to make a dent into the world's food banks to go out as an attention whore.

That's all this really is. It's not every day that you decide to just eat yourself to death in a goal to achieve ultimate fatassness. I mean, how long can you really retain that title for anyway? What with the amount of pressure your blood must be under to pump its vile body fluid to your lard clogged organs.

I still don't get why there is even a Guinness world record for fattiest mother. Isn't that just begging your kids siblings to make fun of them? I can't possibly think of every "yo momma is so fat" joke that will now have scientific backing as to the validity siting Guinness as a source.

But hey, at least she has the market cornered. She gets paid to eat as people will gladly watch her. I guess if you can make a buck off of it, why the hell not? It's not like it's slowly... okay, who am I kidding, it's quickly killing her.

Now I'm not all for using the new years as an empty promise to change your typical American eating habits of crap, only to give up before the first weekend of 2011, but perhaps you could limit yourself from making it a target goal to become the world's fattest fat fuck. If you want an excuse to eat, then just say you want to eat. But no way am I buying that there's anything remotely redeemable about this venture.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just Kill Yourself

Just Kill Yourself

I don't remember if it was Nietzsche or Hunter S. Thompson or who ever said it, but it was something along the lines of
"without knowing that at any instant I could take my own life I would feel very trapped and terrified, there is liberation in having the power to end existance"
One of my favorite lines from nietzsche is
"The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night." I've always best understood depression, and most mood disorders, as issues of control. Suicide and the possibility of suicide in many ways give someone a feeling of power, the final say in their own life. I feel suicidal ideation is stigmatized, justly but without regard to the positive effect that contemplating suicide can have. Depression is fundamentally narcissistic in its solitude, and a rational contemplation of suicide can reveal the absurdity of depressive cognition and activity"
It's pretty common for people to be suddenly find themselves at peace, even happy, in the hours before they kill themselves. Depression often includes issues with control, but it's usually a lack of control and feelings of hopelessness that feel depression.

And really, if you can't control your own death, what can you control? So in that sense and in the whole notion that it is the Holiday season, the most lonely time of the year given the amount of family function and celebrations as well as the addition of daylight hours becoming much shorter, it's no surprise that suicide rates go up so high.

I mean, yeah, it's long wondered why people commit suicide. After all, self preservation should be the cornerstone of any successful species.

but you would be hard pressed to find a well adjusted teenager who hadn't thought of the idea of offing themselves. But let's look into that whole concept and see why people do it? Why people would openly and gladly take themselves out of the equation of life.

People who attempt suicide usually have 3 salient characteristics. The third characteristic, especially, will often determine the lethality of the attempt.

1. The perception of burdensomenesss (real or perceived): Suicidal people often feel that they are a burden on their loved ones. This may be due to loss of work because of depression, long, expensive stays in a mental hospital, or a recent loss of employment. The last characteristic is especially true for males. Suicide rates spike during a recession, and that spike affects men the most since they are usually the partner that makes the most money in a romantic/familial relationship. While I believe in the right to die for the terminally ill, research has shown that terminally ill folks who take their own lives through assisted suicide report higher levels of feelings of burdensomeness than those who look into assisted suicide but do not choose to kill themselves.

Bear in mind that the psychological burden on the family and friends of the suicide victim is much, much worse than the burden that the victim may have placed on them in life.

2. Social isolation (real or perceived): This is the "no one would care if I killed myself" thought process. Like burdensomeness, much of this is due to perception. This point explains why mothers have a much lower suicide rate than women without children and why African-Americans (who typically place higher importance on family ties than Whites) also have lower suicide rates. It also explains men's higher suicide rates after a divorce than women's: men frequently take divorce harder emotionally because they are unwilling/unable to open up to their friends so they bottle it up. They are more emotionally isolated.

3. Acquired ability to self-injure: This was the most fascinating feature of Joiner's work to me. Several findings: people who have sustained multiple serious injuries in life are more likely to commit suicide, people with piercings and tattoos are also more likely (even after controlling for other factors), and people with multiple attempts are also more likely. It is widely assumed that people who attempt suicide multiple times are more depressed, explaining why they have more attempts. This may be true, but literature shows that attempts become more and dangerous (with regards to method) as the number of attempts increases. Joiner argues that these people are acquiring the means to self-injure through practice.

The notion that you can willingly hurt yourself helps explain a few more things. We know that veterans are in the higher suicide rate statistics, they have a larger likelihood of being injured during combat and have a front row seat to death on a daily basis.

Physicians also have a higher rate of suicide because they experience death very frequently and it could very well have become numb on them what you or I would feel towards the whole thing. It's know that those who suffer from depression have a higher pain tolerance than those who are not. So this higher pain tolerance explains why it's easier to bite the bullet.

In an even stranger statistic, men have a higher suicide rate than women, even though women attempt it 3 times as much as men. Just goes to show you, if you want something done right, let a guy do it. I'll chalk this one up to society putting a lot of pressure on males to "be a man" and all that sort of shit. Besides that, men are more in the line of fire of getting hurt and thus, increases the odds of causing harm to one self.

Then we go into the whole mental illness. Like stated above, it's the top priority of any species to make sure they have the will to self preserve. So when something is chemically imbalanced, that can greatly affect the willingness of openly committing suicide. It was found that nearly all victims of suicide have either a clinically diagnosable mental illness or are operating at sub-clinical but detectable levels of mental illness. Major depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and anorexia tend to be the worst for this.

For the most part, you really can't stop someone who really wants to commit suicide. For all the many reports of suicide, it's still probably the biggest under reported act. Car accidents with a single passenger are often attributed to driver error when many are probably suicides. Many people, including coroners, believe the myth that very young children, like pre-teens, do not commit suicide. There has been at least one case where a child hanged himself and the coroner listed it as accidental. Lethal drug overdoses that may be suicides are also routinely put down as accidents.

Why the fuck not..

This leads us to what is the act in itself. Suicide, by all regards is viewed as a selfish act. At least by those who are left behind. Again, remember that those offing themselves feel as if they are a burden to others. So perhaps it's a selfless act to take themselves out of being a burden. Much the opposite of what selfishness would be. But it goes without saying that the loved ones, friends and family alike feel like they were selfish in committing such an act.

They also often operate under the idea that they are socially isolated. If you actually believe that your death will matter little to others, how are you being selfish by taking your own life? Besides that, the thought process of a person lying awake in bed and thinking about offing themselves is probably not with the same thought process of someone who is pulling the firing pin back and spraying the walls.

Yeah, you should probably kill yourself.

They keep it simple. People who off themselves do so in ways that they perceive will be quick and easiest on their families or friends. The complete opposite of selfishness. They travel to places to kill themselves. Like, in New York, 10% of the suicides that happen in the city are from non-New Yorkers.

Even celebrity suicide isn't that easy. Kurt Cobain had to work up to his suicide and was considering it for a long time before the actual pulling of the trigger, if you just look at his lyrics you can tell. He was originally afraid of guns but then his friends convinced him to go shooting. Oddly enough, this also is how he got into heroin.

You know what, a lot more of you people should kill yourselves. Especially since you probably have nothing going for yourself in your shitty lives. But I do have one favor to ask, when you do do it, don't be a pussy and fuck it up by failing to take out as many people on the shit list as you possibly can. You only get one go at it, so please do it correctly.

If you're going to just sit in your car in a closed garage as you cry yourself to death listening to Lady Gaga instead of bringing a duffel bag of guns to a cop convention, then just get the hell out of here. You're wasting my time. There's something to be said about doing something very drastic like murdering Wall St. bankers before you do yourself in.

Like, if I was going to kill myself, I would probably drive onto the middle of the 10/101/110 and in the peak hour, ditch my car, run across 8 lanes of traffic causing a lot of small accidents. Then I would jump onto the adjacent subway line and get hit by a train, thus inconveniencing the hundreds of thousands of commuters that inconvenience me every morning.

Don't go out like some punk ass bitch somewhere out in the cold all isolated or whatever. Getting drunk and letting nature take its course is not a good method. Even if your corpse may end up feeding some passing animal. You would think that would be the way to go, but freezing to death doesn't seem like the best answer. Here's a very detailed account of what that is like.

Then again, if you want a peaceful way out, there's always the helium/nitrogen tank method. But I've already gone over that one plenty of times and if you haven't paid attention to it then, you wont now.

The best part about suicide is that you will never regret it... well, unless you fail at it. Then you'd probably regret the mess you're in.

If you're still reading this, perhaps I should recommend some really good viewing material. You should take the time to watch Frontline's "The Suicide Tourist", it's really very good and you can see it online RIGHT HERE.

Me, personally? I don't think about killing myself. Instead, I think of just dropping everything and traveling the world penniless for a few years. Though I'd probably end up dead going that route. But if you're fundamentally broken and therapy, support and medication doesn't help, well then. Perhaps suicide is a means to a proper end.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Picard Sings and Dances

Picard Sings and Dances

Ah yes, another gift for you fine folks out there. Why? Because it's the holiday season and of course, because I like you... For all these many reasons.

Seasons greetings!

You're welcome.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Holiday Season - Thinking About The Children

The Holiday Season - Thinking About The Children

You know, I should have realized on Thanksgiving that it was only a month away from Christmas and that we still needed yet another entire separate holiday devoted to gluttony and consumerism in reverent celebration of genocide.

I sure hope that you picked up an extra soul on sale during Black Friday as for when you commit honorable ritual suicide to expiate the shame of being American, you'll at least have somewhere to go. (Here's a hint, it will be hell)

Why yes, let's all sit around and be awkward towards each other. Why the fuck not? At least till it becomes so unbearable that we all decide to go see a movie or see what's on TV as a means to avoid social torture. You know, the British actually program new shows for Boxing day, why the fuck is America stuck in the awkward conversation with each other?

Why am I so bitter and scornful at an American holiday that cuts the bullshit and is all about hanging out with the extended family while eating a shit ton of delicious food, getting drunk off the nog and having energetic conversation all while passing out on the couch to a warm open fire?

Because shit like this happened last week and was reported in the Huffington Post

House Republicans Block Child Marriage Prevention Act

WASHINGTON -- On Thursday, the House took up the International Protecting Girls by Preventing Child Marriage Act of 2010. The bill would ensure that child marriage is recognized as a human rights violation, and develop comprehensive strategies to prevent such marriages around the world. The legislation seemed likely to garner strong bipartisan support in Congress, and in the Senate, it did. But last night, the bill was voted down in the House by Republicans who argued the bill is too costly and could lead to increased abortions -- gripes the measure's supporters say have no basis in reality and are just excuses to kill the popular bill.

The measure, introduced by Sens. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) and Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), passed the Senate by unanimous consent and attracted a list of 42 cosponsors, including Sens. David Vitter (R-La.) and Roger Wicker (R-Miss.). It also had the support of nonpartisan groups like the YWCA. On Dec. 6, former president of Ireland Mary Robinson and Nobel Peace Prize winner Desmond Tutu wrote an op-ed in The Washington Post, praising the United States for stepping up: "This act illustrates how support for securing a just and healthy life for every woman and girl transcends politics."

The House version, introduced by Reps. Betty McCollum (D-Minn.) and Ander Crenshaw (R-Fla.), had 112 cosponsors. What's interesting is that some of them -- such as Rep. Lee Terry (R-Neb.) -- actually voted against the bill. In the end, only 12 Republicans backed the measure; nine Democrats defected to the GOP side. So what happened?

This week, a GOP whip alert went out about the child marriage legislation, saying that House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio), Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and Committee on Foreign Affairs Ranking Member Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.) all oppose it. The email:


S. 987 authorizes $108 million over 5 years without sufficient oversight of the taxpayers' money. According to the Congressional Research Service, there is no available, confirmed figure on how much taxpayer funding is already being used to fight child marriage in developing countries and this bill does not address that issue.

In contrast, Ranking Member Ros-Lehtinen has introduced H.R. 6521, which would result in no more than $1 million in potential costs, while making it clear that child marriage is a violation of human rights and that its prevention should be a goal of US foreign policy; requiring the creation of a multi-year strategy; requiring a comprehensive assessment of what the United States is already doing and funding in the effort to fight child marriage; and requiring that the practice of child marriage in other countries be reported each year as part of the annual Human Rights Report.

There are also concerns that funding will be directed to NGOs that promote and perform abortion and efforts to combat child marriage could be usurped as a way to overturn pro-life laws.
The prevalence of child marriage remains alarmingly high worldwide. As CARE, a leading humanitarian organization fighting global poverty and supporting the child marriage prevention bill notes, "More than 60 million girls ages 17 and younger -- many as young as 10 -- are forced into marriage in developing countries. Many of these girls are married to men more than twice their age. Not only does this unacceptable practice thwart a girl's education, it endangers her health and often locks her into a life of poverty."
Story continues below

On Thursday, Durbin's office put out a statement sharply criticizing the House's failure to pass the bill: "The action on the House floor stopping the Child Marriage bill tonight will endanger the lives of millions of women and girls around the world. These young girls, enslaved in marriage, will be brutalized and many will die when their young bodies are torn apart while giving birth. Those who voted to continue this barbaric practice brought shame to Capitol Hill.

GOP concerns over abortion and the cost of the bill are puzzling. According to a Congressional Budget Office (CBO) estimate, "CBO estimates that implementing the bill would cost $67 million over the 2011-2015 period, assuming appropriation of the necessary amounts. Enacting S. 987 would not affect direct spending or revenues; therefore, pay-as-you-go procedures do not apply to this legislation."

Conor Williams writes in The Washington Post blog PostPartisan, "How can Republicans explain efforts to defeat a human rights bill because of $67 million in potential spending while simultaneously pushing for a tax cut deal for wealthy Americans that will add $858 billion to the deficit? Is this at all credible?"

On abortion, the bill never mentions either "family planning" or "abortion."

Friday morning, Rep. Steve LaTourette (R-Ohio), who voted for the bill, took the House floor and called out his Republican colleagues for their objections to the measure, saying such arguments amounted to nothing but politics:


Yesterday, I was on the floor, and I was a co-sponsor with a piece of legislation with the Gentlelady from Minnesota, Ms. McCollum, that would have moved money -- no new money -- would have moved money so that societies that are coercing young girls into marriage, we could build them latrines so they could go to school. Or we could make sure that they stay in school so they're not forced into marriage at the age of 12 and 13.

But all of a sudden, there was a fiscal argument. When that didn't work, then people had to add an abortion element to it. Look, this is a partisan place. I'm a Republican. I'm glad we beat their butt in the election; we're going to be in the majority next year. But there comes a time when enough is enough, and McCollum's bill was a good bill last night. ... We should stop the nonsense, approve the bill and move on.
Now isn't that some shit. Yeah... How about you read S. 987 for yourselves and then you'll wonder who these folks who voted it down are.

Well, wonder no more. Here's the list.

Rep. Robert Aderholt [R, AL-4] Nay
Rep. Todd Akin [R, MO-2] Nay
Rep. Rodney Alexander [R, LA-5] Nay
Rep. Steve Austria [R, OH-7] Nay
Rep. Michele Bachmann [R, MN-6] Nay
Rep. Spencer Bachus [R, AL-6] Nay
Rep. James Barrett [R, SC-3] Nay
Rep. Roscoe Bartlett [R, MD-6] Nay
Rep. Joe Barton [R, TX-6] Nay
Rep. Robert Berry [D, AR-1] Abstain
Rep. Judy Biggert [R, IL-13] Nay
Rep. Brian Bilbray [R, CA-50] Nay
Rep. Gus Bilirakis [R, FL-9] Nay
Rep. Rob Bishop [R, UT-1] Nay
Rep. Marsha Blackburn [R, TN-7] Nay
Rep. Roy Blunt [R, MO-7] Nay
Rep. John Boehner [R, OH-8] Nay
Rep. Jo Bonner [R, AL-1] Nay
Rep. Mary Bono Mack [R, CA-45] Nay
Rep. John Boozman [R, AR-3] Nay
Rep. Frederick Boucher [D, VA-9] Nay
Rep. Charles Boustany [R, LA-7] Nay
Rep. Kevin Brady [R, TX-8] Nay
Rep. Paul Broun [R, GA-10] Nay
Rep. Henry Brown [R, SC-1] Abstain
Rep. Virginia Brown-Waite [R, FL-5] Nay
Rep. Vern Buchanan [R, FL-13] Nay
Rep. Michael Burgess [R, TX-26] Nay
Rep. Dan Burton [R, IN-5] Nay
Rep. Stephen Buyer [R, IN-4] Abstain
Rep. Ken Calvert [R, CA-44] Nay
Rep. David Camp [R, MI-4] Nay
Rep. John Campbell [R, CA-48] Nay
Rep. Eric Cantor [R, VA-7] Nay
Rep. Anh Cao [R, LA-2] Nay
Rep. Shelley Capito [R, WV-2] Nay
Rep. John Carter [R, TX-31] Nay
Rep. Bill Cassidy [R, LA-6] Nay
Rep. Jason Chaffetz [R, UT-3] Nay
Rep. Travis Childers [D, MS-1] Nay
Rep. Emanuel Cleaver [D, MO-5] Abstain
Rep. Howard Coble [R, NC-6] Nay
Rep. Mike Coffman [R, CO-6] Nay
Rep. Tom Cole [R, OK-4] Nay
Rep. Michael Conaway [R, TX-11] Nay
Rep. Jerry Costello [D, IL-12] Nay
Rep. John Culberson [R, TX-7] Nay
Rep. Geoff Davis [R, KY-4] Nay
Rep. Diana DeGette [D, CO-1] Abstain
Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart [R, FL-25] Nay
Rep. Lincoln Diaz-Balart [R, FL-21] Nay
Rep. Charles Djou [R, HI-1] Nay
Rep. David Dreier [R, CA-26] Nay
Rep. John Duncan [R, TN-2] Nay
Rep. Jo Ann Emerson [R, MO-8] Nay
Rep. Mary Fallin [R, OK-5] Nay
Rep. Jeff Flake [R, AZ-6] Nay
Rep. John Fleming [R, LA-4] Nay
Rep. Randy Forbes [R, VA-4] Nay
Rep. Jeffrey Fortenberry [R, NE-1] Nay
Rep. Virginia Foxx [R, NC-5] Nay
Rep. Trent Franks [R, AZ-2] Nay
Rep. Elton Gallegly [R, CA-24] Nay
Rep. Scott Garrett [R, NJ-5] Nay
Rep. Jim Gerlach [R, PA-6] Nay
Rep. John Gingrey [R, GA-11] Nay
Rep. Louis Gohmert [R, TX-1] Abstain
Rep. Robert Goodlatte [R, VA-6] Nay
Rep. Barton Gordon [D, TN-6] Abstain
Rep. Kay Granger [R, TX-12] Abstain
Rep. Samuel Graves [R, MO-6] Nay
Rep. Tom Graves [R, GA-9] Nay
Rep. Al Green [D, TX-9] Aye
Rep. Parker Griffith [R, AL-5] Nay
Rep. Brett Guthrie [R, KY-2] Nay
Rep. Ralph Hall [R, TX-4] Nay
Rep. Deborah Halvorson [D, IL-11] Abstain
Rep. Phil Hare [D, IL-17] Abstain
Rep. Gregg Harper [R, MS-3] Nay
Rep. Doc Hastings [R, WA-4] Nay
Rep. Dean Heller [R, NV-2] Nay
Rep. Jeb Hensarling [R, TX-5] Nay
Rep. Walter Herger [R, CA-2] Nay
Rep. Peter Hoekstra [R, MI-2] Nay
Rep. Tim Holden [D, PA-17] Nay
Rep. Duncan Hunter [R, CA-52] Nay
Rep. Bob Inglis [R, SC-4] Nay
Rep. Darrell Issa [R, CA-49] Nay
Rep. Lynn Jenkins [R, KS-2] Nay
Rep. Samuel Johnson [R, TX-3] Nay
Rep. Timothy Johnson [R, IL-15] Nay
Rep. Walter Jones [R, NC-3] Nay
Rep. Jim Jordan [R, OH-4] Nay
Rep. Marcy Kaptur [D, OH-9] Nay
Rep. Mary Jo Kilroy [D, OH-15] Abstain
Rep. Steve King [R, IA-5] Nay
Rep. Peter King [R, NY-3] Nay
Rep. Jack Kingston [R, GA-1] Nay
Rep. John Kline [R, MN-2] Nay
Rep. Doug Lamborn [R, CO-5] Nay
Rep. Leonard Lance [R, NJ-7] Nay
Rep. Robert Latta [R, OH-5] Nay
Rep. Christopher Lee [R, NY-26] Nay
Rep. Jerry Lewis [R, CA-41] Nay
Rep. John Linder [R, GA-7] Nay
Rep. Daniel Lipinski [D, IL-3] Nay
Rep. Frank LoBiondo [R, NJ-2] Nay
Rep. Frank Lucas [R, OK-3] Nay
Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer [R, MO-9] Nay
Rep. Cynthia Lummis [R, WY-0] Nay
Rep. Daniel Lungren [R, CA-3] Nay
Rep. Connie Mack [R, FL-14] Nay
Rep. Donald Manzullo [R, IL-16] Nay
Rep. Kenny Marchant [R, TX-24] Abstain
Rep. Kevin McCarthy [R, CA-22] Nay
Rep. Carolyn McCarthy [D, NY-4] Abstain
Rep. Michael McCaul [R, TX-10] Nay
Rep. Tom McClintock [R, CA-4] Nay
Rep. Thaddeus McCotter [R, MI-11] Nay
Rep. Patrick McHenry [R, NC-10] Abstain
Rep. Howard McKeon [R, CA-25] Nay
Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers [R, WA-5] Abstain
Rep. John Mica [R, FL-7] Nay
Rep. Jeff Miller [R, FL-1] Nay
Rep. Candice Miller [R, MI-10] Nay
Rep. Gary Miller [R, CA-42] Nay
Rep. Jerry Moran [R, KS-1] Nay
Rep. Tim Murphy [R, PA-18] Nay
Rep. Sue Myrick [R, NC-9] Nay
Rep. Randy Neugebauer [R, TX-19] Nay
Rep. Devin Nunes [R, CA-21] Nay
Rep. Pete Olson [R, TX-22] Nay
Rep. John Olver [D, MA-1] Abstain
Rep. Solomon Ortiz [D, TX-27] Abstain
Rep. William Owens [D, NY-23] Nay
Rep. Ronald Paul [R, TX-14] Nay
Rep. Mike Pence [R, IN-6] Nay
Rep. Thomas Petri [R, WI-6] Nay
Rep. Joseph Pitts [R, PA-16] Nay
Rep. Todd Platts [R, PA-19] Nay
Rep. Ted Poe [R, TX-2] Nay
Rep. Bill Posey [R, FL-15] Nay
Rep. Tom Price [R, GA-6] Nay
Rep. Adam Putnam [R, FL-12] Nay
Rep. George Radanovich [R, CA-19] Abstain
Rep. Nick Rahall [D, WV-3] Nay
Rep. Charles Rangel [D, NY-15] Abstain
Rep. Tom Reed [R, NY-29] Nay
Rep. Dennis Rehberg [R, MT-0] Nay
Rep. Dave Reichert [R, WA-8] Nay
Rep. Phil Roe [R, TN-1] Nay
Rep. Michael Rogers [R, MI-8] Nay
Rep. Michael Rogers [R, AL-3] Nay
Rep. Harold Rogers [R, KY-5] Nay
Rep. Dana Rohrabacher [R, CA-46] Nay
Rep. Thomas Rooney [R, FL-16] Nay
Rep. Peter Roskam [R, IL-6] Nay
Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen [R, FL-18] Nay
Rep. Edward Royce [R, CA-40] Nay
Rep. Bobby Rush [D, IL-1] Abstain
Rep. Paul Ryan [R, WI-1] Nay
Rep. John Salazar [D, CO-3] Abstain
Rep. Steve Scalise [R, LA-1] Nay
Rep. Jean Schmidt [R, OH-2] Nay
Rep. Peter Sessions [R, TX-32] Nay
Rep. John Shadegg [R, AZ-3] Nay
Rep. John Shimkus [R, IL-19] Nay
Rep. William Shuster [R, PA-9] Nay
Rep. Christopher Smith [R, NJ-4] Nay
Rep. Lamar Smith [R, TX-21] Nay
Rep. Adrian Smith [R, NE-3] Nay
Rep. Clifford Stearns [R, FL-6] Nay
Rep. Marlin Stutzman [R, IN-3] Nay
Rep. John Sullivan [R, OK-1] Nay
Rep. John Tanner [D, TN-8] Abstain
Rep. Gene Taylor [D, MS-4] Nay
Rep. Lee Terry [R, NE-2] Nay
Rep. Glenn Thompson [R, PA-5] Nay
Rep. William Thornberry [R, TX-13] Nay
Rep. Todd Tiahrt [R, KS-4] Nay
Rep. Michael Turner [R, OH-3] Nay
Rep. Frederick Upton [R, MI-6] Nay
Rep. Christopher Van Hollen [D, MD-8] Abstain
Rep. Greg Walden [R, OR-2] Nay
Rep. Zach Wamp [R, TN-3] Abstain
Rep. Lynn Westmoreland [R, GA-3] Nay
Rep. Edward Whitfield [R, KY-1] Nay
Rep. Addison Wilson [R, SC-2] Nay
Rep. Rob Wittman [R, VA-1] Nay
Rep. Frank Wolf [R, VA-10] Nay
Rep. Bill Young [R, FL-10] Abstain
Rep. Donald Young [R, AK-0] Nay

Yes, that's right. Due to the budget cuts, republicans can no longer Think of the Children. Though, I guess denying ten-year-old girls their right to freely choose to marry fifty-year-old pedophiles is an unforgivable intrusion on all our civil liberties.

You know that if you outlaw child marriage, children will only marry outlaws. Or at least that's how it would go if we're using the whole guns analogy. You should wonder if they need different tools for giving children abortions. Think of the economy of it. The makers of abortion kits for tweens is going to make a killing from this.

This whole shit is just another clear example on how history will judge the democrats of the 111th congress for not rising up and lynching all of their republican colleagues.

I guess the reasoning of opposing this is that this law would be used to start wars with Islamic countries over the child marriage stuff that goes on there. But if child marriage is such an issue in Islamic countries, maybe they need a good conquering to straighten them out.

In this Act, the term ‘child marriage’ means the marriage of a girl or boy, not yet the minimum age for marriage stipulated in law in the country in which the girl or boy is a resident or, where there is no such law, under the age of 18.
I'm going to take a stab in the dark and guess that the actual reasons this bill was shot down is because Republican lawmakers just don't want to risk offending the governments of Yemen and Saudi Arabia. And I guess this is better than when all republicans vote against some anti-rape bill or worse yet.. against first responders health extensions.

But still, this just goes to show that even in this Holiday season, you can see the stupidity of our nation sticking straight out at you. Oh and if you're one of those who is trying to deep fry a turkey in a vat of oil on the front lawn, you might as well kill yourself. At least that way only one of you dies instead of the whole family when the house catches on fire. Oh wait, on second thought, cook two turkey's! I mean, why not. Turkey is pretty bland, man. Why else do you think we jam pack it with gravy, stuffing and cranberries during T-day?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Socialism!

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Socialism!

Pay no mind to the fact that Christmas has not only come and gone, but that it's full of capitalistic intentions. No sir, you still have a great thing like Socialism kicking some butt all over this holiday season....

With the massive amounts of rain we got, we're looking to a really snow heavy winter. Even if we already have a nuclear winter to look forward to!
The Senate voted Wednesday to approve the new nuclear arms control treaty with Russia -- a major foreign policy victory for the Obama administration near the end of the lame-duck session of Congress.

The New Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty, or New START, was cleared by a 71-26 vote. Several Republicans joined a unified Democratic caucus in support of the treaty.

Under Senate rules, the treaty required support from a two-thirds majority of voting senators for final approval.

The New Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty, or New START, was cleared with the help of solid Democratic support, as well as the backing of several Republican senators.

If ratified, the treaty would resume inspections of each country's nuclear arsenal while limiting both the United States and Russia to 1,550 warheads and 700 launchers. It still needs to be approved by the Russian parliament.

President Obama signed the treaty with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev in April. The accord is considered a critical component of nuclear non-proliferation efforts and the administration's attempt to "reset" Washington's relationship with Moscow.

Several senators were reassured by the last-minute passage of an amendment stating that the accord should not be interpreted in a way that would hamper U.S. missile defense plans. The amendment was sponsored by Republican senators John McCain of Arizona and Bob Corker of Tennessee, among others.

Others said they had been assured of an administration commitment to modernize America's aging nuclear arsenal.

"The people of the world are watching us, because they rely on our leadership," said Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman John Kerry, D-Massachusetts. It is time to "move the world a little more out of the dark shadow of nuclear nightmare."

"We are the leading nuclear power on this earth. It is our responsibility to lead," said Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-North Dakota. This treaty is "a step in the right direction."

Indiana Sen. Richard Lugar, the top Republican on the Foreign Relations Committee, called it a step forward in terms of constraining "expensive arms competition with Russia" and frustrating "rogue nations who would prefer as much distance as possible between the United States and Russia."

Not all Republicans were convinced, however.

Sen. Jim DeMint, R-South Carolina, argued on the Senate floor that the basic premise of the treaty -- that America's nuclear arsenal should be at parity with Russia's -- is flawed.

"Russia is a protector of none and a threat to many. America is a protector of many and a threat to none," DeMint said.

Isn't it a warm feeling that you're getting with the knowledge that the USA and Russia still have enough nuclear weapons to turn the whole planet into dust. And here I thought the cold war was over with. Whoops. I guess that's our Christmas gift... yet another war and the feeling of safety that our government is giving us.

Though I should probably remind you that only fools and children believe that all the nuclear weapons on the earth currently can vaporize the planet or any bullshit like that. All the nukes on the planet couldn't even scour a surface area the size of Texas.

That's not to say that a nuclear war would cause massive deaths and a plight on the land for a long time to come. But it wouldn't wipe out the human race, let alone all life on earth. So I guess I should just be satisfied with massive destruction and horrifying pestilence.

Though, I suppose it's better to overestimate nuclear devastation than underestimate.

Let's take a look at that last quote for a second and laugh about it.
"Russia is a protector of none and a threat to many. America is a protector of many and a threat to none," DeMint said.
HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, what a card! But you know, 1500 warheads isn't that many when you take into account the amount of targets within each country, along with the fact that many targets would be allotted more than one warhead due to importance, along with compensating for factors like shoot-downs, failures, and device malfunctions.

What I'm saying is that it just must suck living in a loser country that doesn't have stocks of nuclear warheads, no country with considerable nuclear striking capabilities will ever yield to a foreign military threat without turning large parts of the earth into a burning inferno. Pretty sweet, don't you think? Pretty much, just fuck nuclear treaties. It's the ultimate "Fuck you, got mine."

All they really are in placed for is preventing oppressed countries from obtaining the weapons they need to resist imperialism no matter the source. Then again, these weapons are horrifying and their power is undeniable and therefore we have to make sure that only ultracapitalist countries possess them. How about we just open it up for everyone? I think every civilian should be allowed to own and use nuclear weapons. Provided that they pass a criminal background check. How else will they be able to protect their homes and property?

I remember when I was a kid they would still occasionally call Earth quake drills the administration approved earthquake drills. Oh those were the days.

Essentially what I'm saying is something quoted by a great man...
nuke em all let god sort them out
-General Douglas MacArthur, Republican Presidential hopeful 1950

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Did Anyone Call For A Doctor This Christmas?

Did Anyone Call For A Doctor This Christmas?

Ah Christmas. If there's one thing I look forward to most on this festival of holidays, it's the special treat that comes from our neighbors across the pond. While they may not celebrate the commercialization of the Holidays in the form of Jesus Christ's birthday blow out, they do have Boxing day.

But who cares about that, the real kicker is when a flying fella comes around and saves us from aliens or something else and this Holiday is no different with Doctor Who having another Christmas special that I look forward to seeing.

A couple of pictures have surfaced promoting it and it does look like a Christmas/Scrooge story after all. Just look at that open window, the side characters dress attire. Hell, it really does look like a ghost of Christmas past, present, future.. or at least Doctor of the Past, Present, Future will come visit you after all. But what is that in the background in the clouds? I mean.. it does look like a fin.

Maybe this second poster will answer that question....

What the fuck?! SPACE SHARK?!?!!?

Okay, I may be fully aware of Santa Clause, Big Baby Jesus, Hanukkah robot, Black Peter and the best one of all, Krampus. But a Space Shark for boxing day? Well now, I've seen everything! And considering I lived through RTD's run of Doctor Who, what with concrete blow jobs and fart monsters, that's saying a lot.

So yeah, this Christmas Doctor Who Special is something very unique in itself. But you know what, it makes for a really good Christmas to watch Doctor Who. It makes for a great day and gets you tuckered out so you can get tucked into your bed just right. Now, if only you had a theme bed...

You see that? Well, it is what it looks like.. it really is a Tardis bed and it exist. I have to say, it's got to be something that I would have loved to sleep in as a child. Not so much now considering it's going to be tough to get a girl to sleep in there with you. Not even saying "It's bigger on the inside" would help your case in this situation.

But really, it's a witty and fun design and who wouldn't want to own something like that?

So maybe I'm asking The Doctor for a Tardis bed this festive holiday season. I mean, where else can you role play this classic Doctor Who story...

Yes, it makes for great stocking stuffers. Hi-yooooooo!

Stop Taking The Christ Out of Christmas!

A Birthday Reminder.......

Just wanted to take a moment to remind you that today is the birthday of a very special person.......

For you see, God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
-John 3:16

Yes, I'm sorry to say that all the other millions who have had the misfortune to be born around these Holiday dates get overshadowed by Jesus H. Christ. But let's be honest, it's not like you died for all our sins, now did you? No! In fact you're still alive. You didn't even die, let alone for anyone's sins.

You should join me in wishing the Big J a happy two thousand and tenth birthday. Please have him in your hearts as you clog it with beef drippings today.

Most of all, you shouldn't take the Christ out of Christmas, man. What is with all this Santa worship. Don't you know that Santa can spell out SATAN!?!?!? What is all this comericalization of the birth of our lord and savior?

You should take a note from these fine folks who take out the Santa in Christmas fashion using guns guns and more guns!

Welp, I'm reconsidering ever stepping foot in Texas. Thems for sure.

Yup, these fine upstanding folks are the Westboro Baptist Church of Amarillo, constantly pulling stupid shit out of their ass in 'protests' at un-Christian events such as Earth Day, Race For the Cure, and 'demonically based concerts'. They also target such blasphemous places such as the Episcopal Church, Buddhist temples, Unitarian churches, the local Masonic lodge, and Beaver's Strip Club. Judging from the video, you have to be a lousy shot to join their group, because they couldn't hit Santa more than a handful of times from roughly 5 feet away. Also, Coup De Grace is pronounced 'Coop Duh Grace'.

They also took down their old website, which was full of flash animations depicting them killing Heathens and a "Warfare Map" showing the businesses they plan to target for harassment. Which is odd, you know, considering no one is worshiping Santa Claus as a god like figure. If anything, Santa Clause is a lot nicer than God. Santa Clause simply doesn't bring you a gift if you're bad. God sends you to fucking hell.

You just have to be careful that the fat man doesn't fire back at you. I mean, he knows when you've been bad and good, so why get on his shit list? You know what I mean?

Oh... because you have guns also? Yeah. I guess that's a reason...

I would like to gladly thank them for killing the not-even-pagan symbol of Santa Clause and we can get back to Christmas being the birth of christ... with comical guest the cast of Pirates..

I'm pretty sure the real reason why these militant religious folks hate the idea of Santa is that the moment you tell your sheltered home school kid that Santa isn't real, then it's only a matter of time until they make other connections and end up blowing some dude in an alley behind an Arby's while attending some Godless community college. If Santa can be a lie, how much further is Jesus in terms of fairy tales.

Yup, they sure take their hatred for Santa pretty far. Which is sort of sad when you think about it. I mean, taking the Santa gig at a mall has got to be the lowest of the low jobs when you can't find any other means to pay the bills during the cold winter season.

Why else do you think that most of the Santa's you see kids jumping on their laps smelling of urine and looking like they're drunk off their ass? It's not the position that it's cracked up to be. You get to hear screaming brats all day ask you for things. What a dream job... to get begged to by ungrateful little turds.

It's no wonder that the amount of drinking goes up this time of year. So it's even more important that you remember to thank Jesus for each present and morsel of food today, the day of his birth. Yes, his birth! That's what they say. The more you think about this silly story that would hold no weight in our modern time and be nothing more than an episode of Muary, Mary's claim of being knocked up by God is just silly.

Mary was more than likely raped by a Roman soldier and Jesus is a bastard... In the spring or summer time, you know, when Jesus was actually born. Though there's plenty of families who I have know that just call you crazy and say you're a stick in the mud when you point out that Jesus was born in the summer.

Yeah. I know, sounds silly. I mean, let's be real Santa isn't the only made up character in the Holiday season.

And for those who are going through airport screenings. I have to ask, why bother during Christmas? It's not like any terrorist will blow up anything on Christmas day. We may think them a godless country or whatever, but they still need time to celebrate ad since their religion seems to have roots with most others, why wouldn't they take the time off?

In fact, you're better off looking at this safety video on how to prevent zombies from killing your festive holiday celebrations than to worry about the acts of terrorism befalling you on the glorious of glory commercial holidays.

Just in case you are worried that I'm going to hell, I'll be glad to let you know that I did go to church on Monday.....

For a pagan solstice festival!

Booyah! You just got pwned, religious types!

What I'm trying to say is Happy/merry/joyous Inti Raymi/Bodhi Day/Samhain/Winter Solstice/Imbolc/Signature of the Constitution of the Republic of China/Chinese New Year/All Saints Day/Advent/Saint Nicholas' Day/Christmas Eve/Christmas/12 Days of Christmas/Saint Stephen's Day/Saint John the Evangelist's Day/Holy Innocents' Day/Saint Sylvester's Day/Watch Night/Feast of the Circumcision/Feast of Fools/Saint Basil's Day/Twelfth Night/Epiphany/Armenian Apostolic Christmas/Eastern Orthodox Christmas/Candlemas/St. Valentine's Day/Modranect/Yule/Diwali/Pancha Ganapati/Bhaubeej/Hanukkah/Tu Bishvat/Purim/Eid ul-Adha/Imbolc/Sadeh/Yalda/Chahar Shanbeh Suri/Saturnalia/Dies Natalis Solis Invicti/Lupercalia/Zamenhof Day/Festivus/HumanLight/Chrismukkah/Boxing Day/Kwanzaa/New Year's Eve/Hogmanay/New Year's Day/Martin Luther King Day/Chrismahanukwanzadan/Pastafarian Holiday/Winter-een-mas/Wintersday/Winterval/Starlight Celebration/Shoe Giving/Freezingman/Feast of Winter Veil/Day of the Ninja/Kwansolhaneidmas/Feast of Frith/Holiday Number 11/Xmas/Refrigerator Day/Life Day/'Slapsgiving/Agnostica/Alvistide/Frostval/Chalica/Hogswatch/St. Yorick's Day/Xistlessnessmas/Thanksgivoween/Decemberween and of course just under two years to the end of the world.

In short, Merry Christmas, you big bunch of multicultural douche bags.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Calling All Grinches

Calling All Grinches

If yesterday's update about tits didn't fill you with Christmas cheer, then perhaps you're beyond repair and totally anti-Christmas. I may have to report you to the new Grinch Alert! Now all you suckas are gonna pay!
Have you encountered a “Grinch” this Christmas season? Share your experiences here at! Here, you can nominate businesses and organizations that shut-out expressions of Christmas in their interactions with the public via marketing, advertising and public relations. When companies use misplaced political correctness to halt the celebration of Christmas, they belong on the “Naughty List.”

We also want to know which companies are celebrating Christmas with excitement and meaning–especially those who keep Christ in Christmas where He belongs! Those companies and organizations will be placed on our “Nice List.” Help us preserve Christ this Christmas.
The Dallas Observer reports that every morning on KCBI-FM radio, Jeffress will read the names of businesses submitted to his Naughty and Nice lists

It's pretty clear that the war on Christmas is in full swing. I wonder if they'll create a draft to enlist soldiers.

I have to wonder though, isn't the Grinch all about celebrating Christmas in whichever method you want? So... wouldn't calling folks who don't particularly celebrate Christmas in a catholic manner be a little off?

Besides that, I'm not sure if I remember the story correctly, but I don't think Christ was even mentioned once in all of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss. So this whole thing seems like a really strange concept to link the two together.

Even more so since if you look at the story, the Grinch steals all the Who's shit and they some how come together to celebrate and be thankful for each other, which I'm not sure if I'm missing something, is not anything close to stomping into your local Bed, Bath and Beyond with your 20% mailer and causing the employees to want to kill themselves for taking a retail job during the holiday season.

Why yes, young children, for you see the underpaid Walmart employee's heart grew three sizes that day. But since he didn't have health insurance under the companies no-unions clause, he died of an aortic dissection. If you want to look for more undertones, you could always point out that the "who's" down in "whoville" actually refer to our forgotten ghettos.

Shouldn't we instead publicly shame everyone who has one of those white Jesus babies out in their front lawns? Jesus wasn't white and he sure as hell wasn't born in December. Do you know how fucking cold it gets in the desert in the winter? Fuck if some lying virgin is going to be giving birth in that ice blast.

But if you look past all that religious shit you'll see it's at least a time to come together with those you care about and celebrate the winter being here. It was a pagan holiday after all. And in one final push towards having a good holiday.. and if this doesn't work, I don't know what will. I bring you the entirety of the best possible Christmas special around.

Oh yeah, Santa isn't real.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Merry Boobmas...

Merry Boobmas...

Well, I guess in order to really get you in the Christmas mood, here's this really creepy sexual thing which regulates women

that creates nameless half-naked women, defined only by their bodies and identified by the size of their breasts, lying supine and nearly motionless, occasionally shifting positions and jerking to punctuate a single noise...

Welcome to the wonderful world of post-feminsim, people. We're through the looking glass. I think I now realize what the feminist were talking about when they referenced "advertisements for rape" back in the day.

But hey, at least you can seize the means of production and you can make your own songs. How about that. Merry X-rated Christmas!

Some people with very little imagination just recreated it in the create-your-own-machine.

Which seems like sort of a waste. I mean, if you're going to play along, you might as well play something like Chopsticks or that song from Big. Now that would be entertaining to watch as well as very nostalgic.

But I have to say, finally the self-referential spiral of ironically-but-unironically-back-to ironically has collapsed in on itself, forming a singing tit-xylophone going "oo". At the very least it didn't hurt itself as it toppled over on its own weight. Well, everyone except the A-cup. No support there.

Then again, for those you can just get yourself a double wonder bra...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

I know it's only a couple of days before the big miracle of big baby Jesus' birth and all, the time of year where we celebrate with massive amounts of consumer spending to stimulate the economy - just like God would have wanted it.

But it's times like this where it's last minute shopping that could get you in trouble. May I suggest that whatever you do, do not get anyone this AVATAR FLESHLIGHT for the holidays.

There's even fucking a Fleshlight review for it. Who the hell takes a job that is based around reviewing pornographic sex toys? I mean, seriously? I don't think I've ever looked at a fleshlight, or anything other than a vagina and felt the burning question come through my mind on how my penis would feel in that. Most of all, I don't see how if you were the type to be dis-concerning to want to fuck a plastic tube that you would then think it would be a whole lot better if the thing came in blue.

Also, I do have to laugh at the fact that they were too afraid of James and decided to call it the Fleshlight Alien. Way to jump away from that potentially crushing lawsuit, makers of a strange sex toy, dudes.

So yeah, if you have a nerd in your life who you feel needs to get laid, just have sex with them. You really shouldn't resort to making them get some Na'vi replica sex out of a sex toy. And if they can't get off with a human fleshlips, then perhaps you should pick your friends better.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Why Hello, Mister Speaker of the Waaaaaaaaaa...

Why Hello, Mister Speaker of the Waaaaaaaaaa...

My god, have you've seen the new speaker of the house? What a fucking cry baby. I mean, seriously, I haven't seen someone cry this much since I saw the last pixar film.

Watch those three videos. You'll notice that in the second two, it's the same string of words and the same crying going on. Why I noticed these things, maybe I just don't like to see a grown man cry. Either that or I'm annoyed with the whole 9/11 cry fest.

It's pretty clear that his staff gave him crying lessons. Tons of research indicates that the republicans are seen as unemotional and calculating, so I wouldn't put it past them to resort to strategic crying.

I guess you can take it as a whole conservative weeping as a meta-narrative response to there being a black man in charge. So you can't blame it if a strong man can cry. Though, I'm guessing it has more to do with the fact that he's probably terrified on what to do and crying is the first thing that came to mind.

Or maybe he's just allergic to honesty. Then again, which politician isn't? Rim shot! If you squeeze an orange, does it not cry juice? So it shouldn't be any different with this guy.

It can't be that he actually believes the narrative that he's spewing out and isn't a bad person on purpose, right? Perhaps he just has a thyroid problem and we should all lay off the guy.

I mean, I shouldn't judge because I'm such a big baby myself, but you'd think that the guy would man up since he's in such a position of power. It's like in that Sopranos episode where the local boss cries when he's arrested at his daughter's wedding, and then no one respects him because he was balling his eyes out.

All that I'm saying is that an Alpha-reagan-male would never cry because he actually was coached for years to be a good actor. Way to lead us into the future, asshole. It's hard to be a speaker of the house when all that comes out of your mouth is Waaaaaaaah.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Whispering Dead

The Whispering Dead

Well, it's been a little over a week since the Walking Dead ended its very short season and while I said I wouldn't write another one for a while... well, it's a show about zombies, you should figure that zombification of topics would come about. Don't try to shoot this in the head, it wont work. Just let it consume your brains

Especially since it just was nominated for a Golden Globe. I mean.. really? REALLY? I like the show and all, but there was some major issues with it that it shouldn't have been nominated. I mean, on the season finale of the walking dead, the CDC doctor whispered something in Rick's ear.

This isn't a new concept for film at all, it makes you wonder what exactly was said to the character for a while and they can plug and play and old bullshit that they want on there. But it does leave the viewer with one thing it shouldn't really hope for... time to inflate the expectations to levels that the writers would never be able to meet said expectations.

You might as well say that it's what Murray whispered into Scarlet Johansson's ear in Lost in Translation. Oh yeah, for the record he told her the name of a really good divorce lawyer. But as we speak, a crack team of internet nerds are running through possibly every different combinations of words that Doctor Jenner could possible whisper into a persons ear. Here's a couple of guesses....

"We would have had an extra hour if your son didn't plug in and play Ms. Pac-Man for four hours last night."

"I think that Daryl guy might be a little nuts."

"I'll see ya in anotha life, brotha"

"Never tell Daryl about the button that opened the door. He just looked so satisfied that his hacking with an axe opened it, and I can't take that away from him."

"Rick... they just brought back the McRib... don't let them take that away from us."

"Rick, if you ever go into a bookstore, whatever you do, do not read the comic book titled The Walking Dead or else you will be spoiled on what may or may not happen in this version of the story"

"FYI that big guy with the shotgun tried to rape your wife last night in the game room....purple monkey dishwasher"

"I can't believe no one in your group has ever seen a zombie movie."

"You know, when you first told me your name I thought you said "Riddick" and I thought, just maybe, humanity stood a chance against these damn Necros. Now I think you're all fucked though, Rick."

"Had to use all that hot water, eh? Couldn't you just fuck like normal people on a bed?"

"Never trust a guy with a mustache"

"They look like monsters to you?"

"Three words. Marvel Zombies Crossover"

"Strike that motherfucker out."

"Sometimes you have to roll a hard six."

"I've been peeing in the CDC showers for weeks"

"You'll never guess what were in those diplomatic cables"

"Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down."

"Dogs can't look up."

"I killed Mufasa..."

"I hid a stash of whiskey down the street, it's in the bank's vault."

"Smoke weed everyday"

"Live every day of your life as if it was shark week."

"Have you ever seen 'The Accused?' Because I think your wife and buddy were reenacting a scene from it in the rec room."

With the CDC destroyed, I suppose that means the only thing left for them to do is to go to the Air Force base south of Atlanta that Shane mentioned. But when you think about it, Shane seemed pretty okay with the idea of heading to a military base, despite seeing how the Army butchered unarmed patients in the hospital who looked to be uninfected in an attempt to spread control of the zombies.

And what was up with the abuse victim stealing the grenade? No wonder Ed beat her. She was always stealing his grenades. How do you forget that you found a grenade? Yeah, he just got laid for the first time in a month, but you'd think that you'd remember a round ball in your pocket. "Hey, I'd swear that I had a grenade when I came into camp. Did someone steal it?"

"Look guys, when I came to camp, I had a fucking grenade with me.. well, now I don't. Look, I'm not even mad. I realize that in these hard times a grenade may be like a good thing, but it's mine. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna shut the lights out and whoever has my grenade can bring it up to the desk and I won't even know. Clean slate and it's all behind us, alright?"

Now back to the guesses...

"..... and we call it the Aristocrats!"

"The blood test revealed who the final cylon is.."

"Live every week like it's Shark Week."

"I'm sorry, Rick, but the military is trained only to shoot at center mass"

"Paul is dead."

"Rosebud's the sled."

"Love actually kinda sucked"

"Snape kills Dumbledore."

"All this has happened before, and it will happen again... "

"There was a camera in the shower. Thanks for that fresh material"

"You've had a piece of toilet paper hanging out of the back of your pants all morning."

"Do you like books about war? Do you like to watch movies about... gladiators? Have you've ever seen a grown man...."

On a final serious note, the two guesses that make the most sense are "Everyone is already infected with it and it's activated when you die" or "Your wife is pregnant." Remember what the doctor said after Rick came to ask about the blood test - "No surprises."

Not "you're all fine," not "everybody's safe," but "no surprises."

It could have been that the blood test was a chance for Jenner to confirm something that he might have been hypothesizing about before the lab screw up and the low fuel situation. He'd probably saw that all the people in the CDC had it in their system and it was dormant. So getting a blood sample from outsiders to confirm that it's in their system as well, just would show that everyone has this in them.

And the final guess is "Your wife is pregnant" Because let's face it.. we're going to get to that part of the comics sooner or later. Let's hope the show doesn't pussy out on talking about that subject of who was the father like the comic book did.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

For The Man Who Has Nothing...

For The Man Who Has Nothing...

If you're stumped on what to give the person in your life who has no earthly possession, rants about how black helicopters hover over his backwoods shed and feels the government is going to come down on him for all the stock piled guns he has.. well, there's this handy website to guide you through what to get him....

Off The Grid Christmas - Your one stop shop for all your crazy anti-government relatives. A website that tells you that a terrorist act can bring down the government and our nation in one quick swoop at any moment. You hear that? AT ANY MOMENT THOSE COMMUNIST PIGS COULD WIN!

The website is the ultimate in fear mongering. Just look at what the time table looks like in an attempt to sell you their dried food.
Day 1 - There's mayhem at the grocery stores. People are fighting over the last few jars and boxes of food.

Day 2 - People still have food in their homes. They eat lightly. Everybody is on edge

Day 5 - Now people begin to run out of food. Neighbors come knocking. "Do you mind if we eat with you?"

Day 10 - Small bands of armed thieves are making their rounds, stealing food at gunpoint. You hear gunshots down the street.

Day 15 - People are dying. The neighbors you thought you knew so well have become strangers to you. They're not acting normal anymore. People are desperate. But the government can't help because... There's no food left!
But don't worry about that. You're a mother grizzly and you know how to take care of your little cubs. The best way to do that is by stocking up on some of the crappiest tasting food around. But hey, it beats being like the neighbors and having to resort to cannibalism!

That whole story was fucking funny. Yes, small rebels are out there looking for food and you hear gun fire in the background.. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?! If only this website had guns for sale. Then again, if you're shopping for your hermit relatives at this site, they probably already have a stock pile of weapons at the ready for when the time comes to either protect themselves from nomad thieves or the government.

And if you can't find anything on that website for them, well then, do I have an excellent property investment for you! With the record high foreclosures going on, it's the perfect time to pick up some land. Where else can you type up mail bombs to the people who are plotting against you?

There's no better place to do that than where it's already been done. In the Unabomber's Montana Land.. which just happens to be for sale!
Unabomber's Montana land for sale; 'very secluded'

LINCOLN, Mont. (AP) — A 1.4-acre parcel of land in western Montana that was once owned by Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is on the market for $69,500.

The listing — by John Pistelak Realty of Lincoln — offers potential buyers a chance to own a piece of "infamous U.S. history."

"This is a one of a kind property and is obviously very secluded," the listing says. It doesn't say who owns the property.

The forested land, which had been listed at $154,500, does not have electricity or running water. Photos posted with the online listing show tall trees, chain-link fences topped by barbed wire and a tree with "FBI" carved into it, though it's not clear why. Pistelak said Friday he couldn't immediately comment on the listing, and he didn't return phone messages on Sunday.

The property does not include Kaczynski's cabin, which is on display at the Newseum in Washington, D.C.

Kaczynski is serving a life sentence for killing three people and injuring 23 during a nationwide bombing spree between 1978 and 1995. The Harvard-trained mathematician railed against the effects of advanced technology and led authorities on the nation's longest and costliest manhunt before his brother tipped off law enforcement in 1996.

Kaczynski was captured at the Lincoln, Mont., cabin in April 1996. He pleaded guilty in 1998, and is housed in a maximum security prison in Colorado.

Government investigators labeled him the Unabomber because some of his attacks were directed at university scholars.
There's a lot of grown up men who collect Star Trek memorabilia and Dr. Who DVDs. But the real adults in the world will be buying the cabin occupied by the anarchistic serial bomber. How could you pass up such a beautiful view like this?

And would you look at that, the price has also been reduced! I don't know about you, but I want to live somewhere secluded, I'm thinking of getting myself an early Christmas gift and buying this land myself.

Well, that is if I hadn't already sunk my money into a property that has been a money pit. I does sound like a better investment than buying this property that was used on some silly subscription based cable show.

It's a shame that the place had all those sex scenes with Sasha Grey happened here, so the place must smell like asshole all over. No way

In writing this I realized that I had my information all wrong about the Unabomber. I thought he was called that because he acted alone, like how a unicycle only has one wheel. But apparently he was called that because he targeted Universities and Airlines. I guess those two things don't turn into acronyms very well.

So before Kaczynski's identity was know, the FBI used the handle "UNABOM" (UNiversity and Airline BOMber) to refer to his case, which resulted in the media calling him the Unabomber.

You know, the Unabomber case was very interesting because the judge spent weeks and dozens of pages justifying that while he was sane, competent to stand trail, competent to assist and make his own defense, he was not legally allowed to represent himself. It's like the judge made him a prisoner of his court appointed lawyers and wouldn't let him have any input into his own defense. Took away pretty much all his civil rights in the process.

What a terrible judge and a travesty of justice. So this whole land sale shouldn't be considered cashing in on some controversy.. No! Not at all. No sir! This is just a prime 1.4 acres in the middle of nowhere.