Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Get over it already


It's going to sound harsh but it's the truth. If there was ever an example of seeing the need to say get over it, it's now. It may be tough but it's a much needed kick of reality. The FCC came down with a huge fine against ABC for some ass shot in NYPD that aired four years ago.

FCC Fines ABC $1.4 Million for butt shot

FCC fines ABC $1.4M for buttocks scene

It's been a long time coming, but on Friday the FCC finally said that it intends to fine ABC and some of its affiliates $1.4 million for bun-baring. The offending buttocks appeared in an episode of "NYPD Blue" that aired back in February 2003. The episode depicted a young kid accidentally walking in on a nude woman who was about to take a shower. The footage shows the naked woman from the side and the back, which the FCC has decided falls foul of indecency regulations because it depicts a sexual organ – i.e., an adult woman's buttocks, according to the FCC decision. As such the footage shouldn't have been shown between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. This episode of the since-canceled show aired at 9 p.m. in the Central and Mountain time zones. The regulator proposes that 52 affiliates and ABC owned stations should each fork out $27,500 in fines. ABC, which plans to appeal, has said that it doesn't believe that the footage violated the regulations. Furthermore all broadcasts of the show carried parental warnings.

Ok, I get it -Wont anyone think of the Children! I'm sure all the Children who were up at 10pm watchng NYPD would have more questions about life, death and the exposure of Andy Sipowicz constant ass that seeing a chicks ass on NYPD Blue is as rare as seeing CSI not remind you that it's located in Vegas every few minutes. That and CSI has tons of nude bodies. All of which are dead.

My only concern is that this may mean NYPD Blue gets canceled... oh wait, it's been off the air for years now. I'm sure that any child whos mind was visual raped by the image of some females ass is now old enough to have taken part of stranger shit than what you would ever see on TV. Really FCC, what's the point of all those millions tossed into the Ratings system and mandating that every new television set include the V-Chip if you were going to unleash these stupid fees years later.

Back in 2003 NYPD Blue wasn't doing great ratings. So the chances that folks actually saw this was small. Now that the FCC makes a big stink out of it you can rest assure that every 13 year old is going to go on Youtube and find it today.

I think the only funny thing about all this is that we'll have to hear an explanation as to how the ass is being considered a sexual organ. Little Johnny all this time just assumed that it was for pooping. Much like the Clinton blow job. Kids seem to learn more about sex from the news than from seeing it first hand.

This is one that I may come off as insensitive about, especially since that's what Fox News claim in the story, but it's the truth. I'm sure that if I was in some Texas bar and said this I'd be shot dead as a terrorist, but the topic is something we need to get over already. 9/11. Yeah, that's right, I said it. If this is my last entry, please send all my belongings care of Jihad Javier at Guantanamo Bay.


Matt Reeves' "Cloverfield," produced by J.J. Abrams of "Lost" and "Alias" fame, is an 84-minute rollercoaster ride of a monster movie that should be a big hit.

But Cloverfield also inadvertently disses New York for what happened on Sept. 11, 2001, by re-enacting scenes of buildings exploding and massive clouds of debris for fun and profit.

Does no one recall what was said following the World Trade Center disasters? There was such sensitivity about the huge human losses that images of the Twin Towers were erased from movie posters and excised from films.

Yet six years later, the "Cloverfield" gang is cool enough with it to show New York being pulverized. Very quickly and without warning, downtown New York is destroyed. The first bit of damage is depicted by a World Trade Center-like structure exploding and collapsing downward, sending off a cloud not unlike those my friends ran from that day.

Here we are six years later and we're still playing this card? A building exploding should not just flash back you to 9/11. Die Hard and other action films have been abusing explosions long before and long after 9/11.

Why limit our ability to tell stories or to create new ones based on our past? The original Godzilla was a cultural response to a major national trauma in Japan. Getting the shit nuked out of. As well as the fear and uncertainty of this new power. Cloverfield is exactly the same thing. You have a culture growing up on videos from total strangers with the rise of Youtube. Do some of the scenes in Cloverfield have a sort of reaction that those who were around ground zero? Yeah, but that's not a bad thing and it's not Cloverfield making fun of that situation. If anything, it's putting you right there during a situation that you know nothing about and how the characters are dealing with it.

Most of all, if we can't reflect and learn from our past then we're no better than your modern emo band. 9/11 was tragic, but playing insensitivity card is too much. Why can't we be more like Japan? Instead of being whinny pussies about the situation they better themselves with technology years ahead of us and strange game shows.

Besides, it's not like Cloverfield was marketed as a 9/11 "ripped from the headlines" event. There has already been many September 11th movies themselves. Our Government sure likes to play the Never Forget card every time they want to approve more money to fight this war on terror. How about you just enjoy Cloverfield for what it is instead of dragging it in the mud with any notion that it's trying to do something to the image of the tragic day? Perhaps "Get over it" is a little harsh. The point still stands that we should be a bit more thick skinned about it. The only way to grow is to look to our past and not let it hold us back from becoming better.

1-18-08 Never Forget.

Monday, January 28, 2008

West of the Rockies...

West of the Rockies...

If you never wandered the word of the AM dial on your radio late at night, then you have no idea who Art Bell is and what Coast to Coast is. I'm not sure if you're the luckiest or the most deprived person alive.Coast 2 Coast is a nationally syndicated radio talk show on your local AM dial (KFI 640 for us L.A. folk) That is your one stop shop for wierd shit. The show is made up of callers that provide all the insane entertainment one can want from a train wreck. You have your crazy conspiracy theories, truckers who are convinced that aliens have buzzed their trucks, underground reptilians, war between vampires and angels, ghost, spirits and unfortunately a bit of the new agey bullshit that becomes a little annoying.

It's hosted by three people. Two of which I couldn't give much crap about. Art Bell is the original host and has pretty much retired from the show, but comes back to host the Halloween (Ghost to Ghost) and New Years editions of the show which is an open lines prediction. All of which are utterly batshit, talking about how aliens are going to finally reveal themselves this year or that Mecca is going to get nuked by the evil syndicate running the world or how Reptilians are finally going to come out of Mel's hole.

Suffice to say, it's pretty entertaining. The shows could be found here for streaming purposes First Show and second New Years Eve show. And while I know that we are already a good month into this new and amazing year, I figured it would be nice to pick out the cream of the crop and comment on some of these.

Predictions for 2008 made by the callers of Coast 2 Coast.

The 2007 WD5 asteroid will hit Mars, and the remnants of an ancient civilization will be revealed.

Sadly, that same asteroid will also destroy any remnants of said ancient civilization.

A helicopter will crash into a non-residential building (medical or business), stated Yvonne from New York.

Will a Plane crashing into cow crap Corona count?

Max suggested that the Dow will drop to below 11,000.

A prediction that the U.S. economy wont be great? Woah there Max, you're going out on a limb with that prediction...

Bill in Salinas believes that 'Bugs' will resurface and lead researchers to the remains of buried Bigfoot.

It'll be funny if it's found in a shallow grave right outside of Vegas. Cause lord knows that's where I go to bury a body.

The dollar will tank in the second week of March, and will be dumped worldwide, declared Bob from Arkansas.

Good thing I already converted my savings into Disney Dollars to prepare for this prediction.

And for the first time Art Bell, himself, made a prediction--Al Gore will jump into the race at the last moment in hopes of being drafted.

And I thought that after years of hosting the show, Art Bell would be crazy enough to back up Ron Paul. Color me surprised.

New Orleans will encounter problems with violence, when the NBA All-Star game comes to town.

I'm sure the flood washed away all the trouble makers. You have nothing to worry about.

After two more box office flops, Tom Cruise will renounce Scientology and become a born-again Christian, claimed Joey in Pahrump.

Isn't that cute, the utterly insane talking about the batshit insane.

A new, almost unlimited, source of water will be found in the Southwest US, near volcanic mountains.

Forget water, find me a good bar to find a drink at in the Southwest. Especially one without crappy tex-mex!

There will be no hurricanes over North America in '08, said Tim in Texas

After living a year in Florida, I have to say this is like saying there wont be any red necks at Nascar events this year.

A steam roller accident in Charleston, SC will take many lives


Nick said the US and the international community will end up boycotting the '08 Olympics because of actions by China.

When its discovered that they laced the Olympic torch with lead.

Dan in San Francisco foresees Osama Bin Laden calling for an end to the jihad and uniting the world's religions.

My prediction is that San Francisco is filled with too many hippies.

Northern California will have an earthquake over 9.0 in April, according to Neil.

I can only hope this one happens. Us in Southern California only needed our upper half for a steady supply of water and wine. If sacrificing that is needed to get rid of dope head hippies like Dan, I'm all for it.

Mothman incidents will return to PA area, starting on July 4th.

Get Richard Gere on the phone. I smell sequel! It's Mothman Profacies meets Oliver Stone!

Food prices will replace oil prices in news headlines.


Mark in Denver sees Bush revealing the next generation of stealth fighter, which will end up being the Black Triangles UFOs.

He'll have no time do to such a thing, what with his focus on printing endless amounts of dollars to give to the people in the form of checks.

There will be a lot more school shootings.

Thanks.. that's detailed of a prediction. I knew the callers were insane. It seems they're also insanely vague.

Marty in California predicts a UFO being downed in the Lake Tahoe area and seen by many witnesses.

I predict that Marty will be too drunk during his trip to Lake Tahoe that UFOs are the least of what he'll be seeing.

An undisputed unified field theory will take humanity into space, said Michael.

And a brightly colored two chambered bong will take Michael to the next level of awesomeness.

Beth in Youngstown warned of a big disease coming from crows.

Someones played way too much Resident Evil.

There will be a series of three earthquakes in Hawaii-- 8.6, 7.2 and 6.3, probably in March, said Darren.

Not one or two but THREE? Damn, someone must not have liked their honeymoon.

Lightning will become sentient and attack people.

Wait.. what?

All this shows nothing but proof that Coast 2 Coast is full of insane callers. All of which are willing to let loose their insanity onto the world through ham radios and AM tuned radios. I am a little surprised that there was so few Alien related predictions. Usually you have a lot more loonies calling in about them. If you ever want to feel sane and normal late at night, tune your radio to Coast 2 Coast. You'll more than likely listen to some crazy idea that Reptilians are secretly integratng into society from Mel's hole in hopes to over throw the human hierarchy. All before the latest grey's abductee discusses how he sort of enjoyed the whole anal probe. And if this stuff doesn't phase you, you've listened to too much Coast 2 Coast.

Monday, January 7, 2008

American Gladiators: Who Needs Writers when You’ve got Muscles?

American Gladiators: Who Needs Writers When You've Got Muscles?

When you think of America I'm sure the first thing you think about is Ford Trucks, Apple Pie and the underdog overcoming great odds and come out ontop. So it's not a surprise that American Gladiators came about. American Gladiators was a subtly patriotic show about amateur athletes going head to head with professional "Gladiators" in a series of grueling events. After going on a short twelve year hiatus for a few production meetings and the construction of a new set, the series is now back on the air. How does the new American Gladiators stack up against the original from the early 90's?

Then: Aired during Operation: Desert Storm, a justified invasion of Iraq that was backed by a majority of the American public. Although we pulled our troops out of the country rather quickly and left Saddam Hussein in power, the war was considered a success.

Now: Will air at the height of the writer's guild strike.

Then: Pumped full of steroids, scooped up from a beach side gym in California.

Now: Pumped full of steroids and botox, scooped up from reality shows audition rooms and gay porn sound stages in the valley.

Then: Mike Adamle, the greasy creep that pestered female competitors with his constant leering and unnecessary physical contact during interviews resulting in five settlements.

Larry Csonka, the retired football player who felt the need to reference his accomplishments in the NFL at every opportunity.

Now: Hulk Hogan, the greased-up freak will confuse female competitors by referring to them as "dude" and "brother" during interviews.

Laila Ali, the retired boxer who will feel the need to reference her father's accomplishments at every opportunity.

Then: Tourist families taking a rest from the blazing sun during their trip to Universal Studios, clad in Zubaz and neon T&C Surf Design shirts.

Now: Tourist visiting L.A.tempted off the streets of Culver City with the offer of free granola bars and water bottles and a chance to get out of the So Cal heat. In exchange they only have to constantly cheer on cue and get the chance to see regular joes get pounded by females that look like this

Then: As a Gladiator mans a giant air cannon that launches tennis balls at 100 miles per hour, the challenger must navigate an obstacle course and shoot a target above the Gladiator's head with one of several Nerf guns without getting pegged by a tennis ball.

Now: Realizing the event's obvious influence on the Columbine and Virginia Tech shootings, it has been changed to include a two minute moment of silence half way through the event. During this time, the challenger that can go the longest without blinking or laughing gets five points at which point he gets pelted with those 100 mph tennis balls.

Then: Using padded jousting poles, a Gladiator and challenger attempt to knock each other off raised platforms to the safety mats far below.

Now: Taking a page from Survivor, the Gladiator and challenger share a tiny platform above a pool of water. The two put their senses of balance to the test as they stand still for hours. The first to fall in the water wins. This event takes up 40 minutes of air time per episode.

Then: The challengers and Gladiators step inside large metallic spheres that resemble hamster wheels and smash into each other. Challengers score points by stopping on marked capture points.

Now: Gladiators and challengers put on blindfolds and enter a small closet, where they punch and kick one another wildly. Points are awarded arbitrarily.

Then: Two challengers race to the top of a rock-climbing wall as Gladiators attempt to pull them off.

Now: Challengers and Gladiators team up to pull Mexicans off of a replica U.S./Mexico border fence as they scramble for a better life.

Then: Gladiators don protective gear and shields, then stand atop a raised platform as challengers attempt to knock them off by swinging into them with a rope.

Now: Three judges - one snarky, one female and one "cool" - rate the challengers' interpretive dances and puppetry skills.

Then: The points collected in the previous events don't count for anything more than a couple of seconds head start. The final event of every show, both challengers race to complete a brutal gauntlet of challenges and emerge the victor.

Now: Challengers are released in a section of L.A. that was devastated by a 1997 earthquake. Here they must elude a series of Gladiators armed with unique gadgets such as flamethrowers and jetpacks as they attempt to hunt down and kill the challengers in front of a bloodthirsty nation of mindless viewers, much like The Running Man. Just like that, the winner of the event becomes Governor of California.

In the end it's pretty simple. American Gladiators is a show that is brought to you for some senseless violence. It's slightly under the level of Battle Royale and slightly above American Idol when it comes to actual talent and skill. In fact, I would like to see this season of American Idol include some sort of events seen on Gladiators. It would at least make it more interesting to light, that's for sure. With all the scripted shows running on their last runs of new episodes before you have no new episodes to show, this is a good move by NBC to at least keep an audience. When your show has some large Aryan race super soldier who can crush most men with her hand, why wouldn't you watch? Why hey.. I think it may be on right now...

Sunday, January 6, 2008

52 of the Stupidest Things I Did in 2007

52 of the Stupidest Things I Did in 2007

I do a lot of stupid things. I'm not sure if I'm just a stupid person, or if there is something wrong with my brain, perhaps due to an early injury, like when I fell off that pony at the state fair. Maybe I don't know if I am stupid because I am too stupid to realize it. Oh man now my head hurts.

Regardless of the reasons, I have done a record-breaking number of stupid things this year, and before we can dig the shallow grave for 2007 and move on to riding 2008 for all its worth, I'd like to do a recap of my bloopers. You may wonder why I would want to display these embarrassing facts for thousands of people to laugh at... Ok, for the one or two of you that reads these to laugh at, I'm not sure why either. I just like to do things and think about them later. Right now it feels like ants are eating my brain. Since there's 52 weeks in a year we might as well just settle for one stupid thing done for every week.

1. Made the off hand remark "You know, you guys should get paid more" to a writer a day before the new contract was going to get signed.

2. Invested heavily in China's natural resources, specifically lead.

3. Suggested that Friday Night Lights be shown on Friday night. Whoops!

4. Funneled my 401k investments into an Internet Texas Hold'em gambling pot.

5. Left my heart in San Fransisco in the same back alley in Chinatown that I previous left my kidney, right lung and spleen.

6. Watched all 24 hours of "The Christmas Story" on TBS and suffered a major brain hemorrhage.

7. Became addicted to wine. It's ok though, unlike liquor, if you're constantly drinking wine you're considered "upscale" or "refined" and never simply just "a drunk."

8. Used quotation marks in a lot of places they didn't really need to be in.

9. Made 10,000 "Roctober" shirts that are now sitting next to my Dodgers NL West Champions shirts.

10. Tried to bring back parachute pants but ended up getting into a dance off with MC Hammer. Needless to say, he got served.

11. Made a reference to 2004's "You Got Served" in a joke.

12. Bought and consumed a pickled pig's foot from the old jar at the corner store and saw God. God told me not to eat any more pickled pigs' feet but I did anyway.

13. Showed up to a Tori Amos concert wearing a Dethklok shirt.

14. Started a guinea pig farm but went bankrupt after discovering that guinea pigs provided no valuable resources.

15. Tried to kiss a real girl on a consensual date but ended up causing a major forest fire.

16. Green lit the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.

17. Went on a two month road trip but spent all the time stuck on the 405.

18. Ate fresh sushi in Long Beach...at the Aquarium of the Pacific

19. Ranch dressing diet.

20. Bought guitar hero because I heard chicks dig dudes who play guitars.

21. Saw Resident Evil.

22. Opened a water slide park in Malibu that turned into a mud slide park.

23. Pitched the idea of a Gobots movie to Paramount only to find out my meeting was scheduled right after Michael Bay's.

24. Two words: Nigerian investment.

25. Signed up for eHarmony.com and pretended to be a wholesome and honest person, but once I had a mate snared I showed my true self and beat her daily with electrical cord until she learned karate and kicked me down an elevator shaft. (Coming soon on Lifetime)

26. Lost another loan to Ditech.

27. Cloned 5 versions of myself to split the rent but they ended up forming a Christian speed metal band.

28. Faked the funk on a nasty dunk.

29. With talks of the dollar losing value, converted all my savings into Disney dollars.

30. Asked Kiefer if he wanted me to grab another round of drinks before he had to hit the road.

31. Faked my own death to get out of work for a week but at the funeral my boss noticed I was alive when he saw me configuring my iPod in the casket.

32. Tried to juggle 4 cups of boiling hot coffee and spilled them on my face, horribly scarring me for life, starting my descent into madness and becoming the Gotham's most devious super villain.

33. Made sweet love to a beehive and forgot to call the next day.

34. Got really drunk and kicked a winning field goal in overtime, but for the opposite team.

35. Got really drunk and wrote the pilot to Cavemen. In my defense, it was either that or write an hour long E-insurance show staring Erin Insurance.

36. Got really drunk and ate at Arby's.

37. Went to visit my grandmother at her retirement home and realized too late that I was wearing the following shirt;

38. Downloaded popular music without paying money, thereby helping cause artists like Usher to starve to death.

39. Updated my MySpace.

40. Abstained from sexual relations to get closer to Jesus. When he rejected my advances I went on a binge of coke and hookers.

41. Adopted some Cambodian babies for the tax write-off but lost them at Home Depot.

42. Went to a Star Wars Convention and like so many other nerds, made the silly comment of "That's no moon!" when I saw a giant death star in the middle of the floor.

43. Ignored all advice and calmly walked, not ran, through the jungle.

44. Finally decided to put that corn baller to use. Only to end up suffering the same fate the Bluth family had to deal with. Doctors say the scars will never heal.

45. Tried to grow a Gandalf beard and realized I just end up looking like Castro with facial hair.

46. Ran out of time and accidentally cut the red wire...

47. Passed an e-mail fwd on and had extremely good luck in life, was given Bill Gate's money and created world peace but had all that taken away when the fowarded e-mails never got past folk's spam filters.

48. Got into a political discussion and didn't laugh when Ron Paul was brought up.

49. Deep fried a hot pocket.

50. Did not apply directly to the forehead and caused a bad rash.

51. Made it to the red door but forgot the wizard key.

52. Made a list of the 52 stupidest things I did in 2007

As you can see, 2007 was a year that I constantly told myself that I made a huge mistake. With any luck and the fact that 2008 contains 366 days, I'm sure I'll be making a lot more stupid mistakes than any normal civilized person. I'm sure I'll be post marking my checks March 1st a day too early for example even though I just mentioned February's extra day. So hope you enjoyed this comical rant of my downfalls of 2007. Happy New Year. I'm sure I can say that for another two weeks or so. Hell, if you're Chinese, I can get away with telling you it till February.