Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 In Review: The Shit List

2008 In Review: The Shit List

2008 was a year that started with a 2 and ended with 8. What many don't realize is that there was far more zeros between the 2 and 8 than previously thought were there. Yes, 2008 had a lot of zeros and losers in the mix. life's too short for hate but goddamn if there aren't a good number of things worth hating in this world. This list is just some of the top ones I can think of before I drink myself into a stupor.

The Detroit Lions: 0-16. At least those football players have a decent car factory to go work at... oh wait. never mind that.

The Chinese Olympic gymnastics team - While they wont the gold, they definitely weren't older than 16

John McCain - Completely sold out on every principle he ever stood for, and he loses anyway

Sarah Palin - While she brought us comedy, it was not worth dealing with hearing about daughter Bristol and her boyfriend Levi. Let's hope that she never leaves Alaska again

Vladimir Putin - Attacking Georgia? DICK MOVE! Oh wait, not OUR Georgia? Ok, carry on. I was worried about the Braves there.

Bill Kristol - Literally wrong on just about anything and everything

Katy Perry - I cant decide if katy perry is antifeminist or pro-feminist, but leaning towards the anti side because even if she's being "ironic" with painting homosexuality as a naughty thing that good girls don't do but see i'm naughty sometimes I hope my boyfriend doesn't mind, i don't think that's how its interpreted. Maybe Katy Perry is 4th wave postfeminist patriarchal bullshit

Robert Mugabe - 89,700,000,000,000,000,000,000% inflation in 2008

Mikheil Shaakashvili - Provoked Russia and really, in mother Russia, Russia needs to provoke you.

Kwame Kilpatrick - As if Detroit wasn't enough of a laughingstock already.

Rod Blagojevich - Chicago Politics at its finest. Let me remind you, we got a President out of this place. This dude has brass balls.

Mormons - For Prop 8 and converting dead Jews

Joe the plumber - I hate this tool bag soooooo much

Lebron James - For making pro sports an even bigger joke

The Wire - For ending kinda crappy

The Shield - For play with my emotions

Republican Party - For knowing they were going to lose and doing it as gracefully as could be expected.

Time Magazine nailed both the best and worse person of the year... YOU!

Wall Street Investment bankers - all of them

George Lucas - For Indiana Jones and Nukes.. a combination that works by themselves, but not with each other

Steven Spielberg - Putting Aliens into Indiana Jones... and that Shila kid..

Rick Astley - As if it wasn't clear enough. Fuck you for that song.

George W. Bush - For doing absolutely NOTHING! Normally that wouldn't be a reason to be on a list. But in this case the leader of our nation should do something! ANYTHING!
The 25% or whatever that still support bush - Seriously, why do you support him? That's like getting a bra for an A cup. No support needed!

And as always, the state of Mississippi. Why I don't know, but they always belong on a "worst of" list.

I can already tell you I see someone making the list for 2009......

Make It To 2009 - New Years Eve Advice

Make It To 2009 - New Years Eve Advice

It's New Years. You're going to go out and you're more than likely going to get some alcohol in you. Be smart with it, will you? Just because you made it through 2008 doesn't mean you'll survive long into 2009 if you don't think a little.

As much as they do ads warn you for responsible driving, the reality is that you have a 1 in 200,000 chance of getting a DUI tonight. I'm really terrible with numbers and math, but even I could see that the chances of getting caught are unlikely unless you're tossing empties out the window. So don't do it because it's the law. Do it because you want to not get yourself killed.

Not more than 40 years ago was the whole drunk driving thing not even an issue. If you were caught or had an accident while under the influence, the officer would more than likely give you some coffee and sober you up a little before letting you go on your way. Since then the laws have drastically changed.

We really should be questioning not the DUI law itself, but the way that law enforcement has lobbied for and used “secondary” laws, or misinterpretations of laws, to effectively destroy the presumption of innocence for anyone who “just might” have drunk something and driven before the cop got there. Examples of this range from the open container law, to the practice of arresting someone sleeping it off in his car, or pushing a car home with the engine off instead of driving it, or even arresting people for public intoxication just for being over .08 in case they “just might” plan to drive later.

I've slept it off in the car before. It's far easier to wake up and go with only a hangover in the morning than to have to have that pain in my head be a street pole. Under tighter laws an officer could see you in the car itself and loosely apply that intent on driving under the influence and take you in to be processed.

So what are some ways to not start off the new year with a DUI on your record?

Don't Get Shit Faced - Simple one there. Drink till you're buzzed and then allow yourself plenty of downtime with water (Who cares if they call you a pussy, say it's vodka) and getting food in your system. If you still can't safely drive, then DON'T!

CALL AAA for a free ride home for you and your car
Every year AAA does this. You don't even have to be a member. Just call 1-800-400-4AAA for a free tow home of up to seven miles. Callers simply tell the Auto Club operators, "I need a Tipsy Tow," to receive the free tow and ride home.

Yellow Cab will be distributing free ride coupons to bartenders at clubs and bars in Los Angeles area. They'll call the cab for you and give you the free ride voucher. The program runs from noon to midnight New Year's Day. Just look for places that carry Anheuser-Busch products.

Road Angels, a Hollywood-based volunteer service run by Solution Transportation Service Inc., offers not only to drive party goers home but to get their car home, too. This is specific for Hollywood area, but still.. Keep this in mind.

So there's some ways to make it to 2009. Just think about all the ads you've been hearing for the digital conversion for your Television. Do you want to not be alive when we change from analog to digital? I mean, I've been hearing this shit since about 1999 at CES. Now that I think about how long I've been hearing about going all digital I'm sort of wanting to kill myself.... To the road!

Stay safe people. Don't drink and drive. Let someone else carry your ass back home! Have it be in a tow truck for free or in a yellow taxi! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Who Releases The Watchmen?

Who Releases The Watchmen?

I'm starting to question my lack of belief in this higher snake God that fame writer, magician and all around crazy son-bitch Alan Moore believes in. His Comic books have been taken from print to screen in the possibly worse ways. From LXG to From Hell. His work has not been treated greatly. I'd even argue that V for Vendetta wasn't all that good of a book to film transition. That's not saying much since book to film has always lost something in transition.

In any event, Watchmen is set to come out this year and it's really a pretty accurate comic book to film translation the likes of which not seen since Sin City and 300. There's only one problem. Alan Moore must have prayed hard to his snake God as Fox wins their lawsuit against WB and wins rights for Watchmen film.

LOS ANGELES — In a surprise ruling, a federal judge in Los Angeles said he intended to grant 20th Century Fox’s claim that it owns a copyright interest in the “Watchmen,” a movie shot by Warner Brothers and Legendary Pictures and set for release in March.

The decision was disclosed in a five-page written order issued on Wednesday. Gary A. Feess, a judge in the United States District Court for Central California, said he would provide a more detailed order soon.

Fox has been seeking to prevent Warner from releasing the film. The superhero adventure, based on the “Watchmen” graphic novel, is being directed by Zack Snyder (who also directed “300”) and has shaped up as one of most eagerly anticipated releases for next year.

A Warner spokesman, Scott Rowe, declined to comment on the ruling and the studio’s plans.

“Fox owns a copyright interest consisting of, at the very least, the right to distribute the ‘Watchmen’ motion picture,” the ruling said.

In ruling on Wednesday, Judge Feess advised both Fox and Warner to look toward a settlement or an appeal. “The parties may wish to turn their efforts from preparing for trial to negotiating a resolution of this dispute or positioning the case for review,” he said.

You heard it correct. Warner Brothers lost the court case. Watchmen distribution rights go to Fox. And Fox previously stated that they wanted nothing more than Watchmen to never ever come out. So hey, it may very well be shelved if Fox has its way... Ok, scratch that, Fox wants it to stay dead forever.
Fox says it will try to stop 'Watchmen'

LOS ANGELES – An attorney for 20th Century Fox says the studio will continue to seek an order delaying the release of 'Watchmen.'
U.S. District Court Judge Gary Feess last week agreed with Fox that Warner Bros. had infringed its copyright by developing and shooting the superhero flick, scheduled for release March 6.
Feess said Monday he plans to hold a trial Jan. 20 to decide remaining issues.
Fox claims it never fully relinquished story rights from its deal made in the late 1980s, and sued Warner Bros. in February. Warner Bros. contended Fox isn't entitled to distribution.
Warner Bros.' attorney said Monday he didn't know if an appeal was coming, but thinks a trial is necessary and a settlement unlikely.
So wrap it up folks. It's over. Till the appeal case. If you believe this completely at face value without considering the possibility that it's being used as a bargaining chip to break WB into cutting Fox in on the profits then I have a bridge to sell you. If a deal were reached, Fox would literally be doing nothing and raking in millions of what, essentially, is pure profit money they could use to cushion themselves in case of a major box-office bomb.

WB, I think, would like to appeal rather than enter into settlement talks, but given the fact their entire movie slate in the first quarter (and in the early parts of the second quarter) are revolving around the success of this film, I don't think they want to do anything that could delay the film.
They're already going through the process to see how much they could write a check for to get rid of this or what rights they could give up to get this to be done with.
"How much will being right ultimately be worth to Fox? Perhaps a lot; perhaps nothing at all. Warner Bros. has been asking Feess to make one more crucial ruling in this case. The judge articulates the studio's request like this: “[T]o summarily adjudicate the issue of a contractual cap on the amount of compensatory damages to which Fox is entitled.” Now, I am no lawyer, but here’s how I might rephrase Warner Bros.’ position: “Let’s pretend for a moment that Fox is right in this matter. Judge, could you help us decide a fair price for Fox’s rights? Because we can't.” Perhaps all along, Warner Bros. has been gambling/banking that the judge will "adjudicate" a relatively affordable price for Fox's rights, or at least put a price tag on it that's much lower than the one Fox has been putting on it. As Feess has said that a longer version of his Christmas Eve ruling is forthcoming, perhaps the question of value will be determined at that time."
For example, those 60's Adam West Batman episodes have been something Fox wants on DVD but WB owns the rights to the name BATMAN, so that has been locked up for a while. So that's grease to the mill here.

I'm not going to talk smack here because Fox does have every right to do all this. They did own the rights and this is something I wondered ever since WB decided to get this off the ground again. It was public knowledge that Fox still had the rights to it.

That and I'm not going to bite the hand that feeds me. If there's one thing I do right, it's fall into being a company man. Yes sir, that's right. Anyone who thinks this stuff is black and white have never spent time in this fucked up industry. There's so much paper work and terms that would make your head spin. Fox had the turnaround rights for Watchmen. So that's to say that Fox never gave up rights for it, at least the distribution rights. Pretty ironic that this situation is going on as the theme of the book is centered around who keeps those with power in check Who Watches The Studio Execs?

As a fan of Watchmen, one who has owned at least 15 different copies of the book (Don't ask, I just seem to buy a new one during comic conventions) I would like to have this movie released for others to see. It's really a good adaptation to the graphic novel. This may very well be a case of "Fuck you, Got mine" that I partake in 2008, but I'm pretty damn sure it'll be released.

For the time being, Who watches the Watchmen? No one apparently. Thanks Fox!

2009 Dead Pool List

2009 Dead Pool List

I know it's morbid. Very very morbid. But I love doing this every year. Some people have the Superbowl, others have the slots in Vegas. My poison is to figure out who's going to bite the big one and push some daisies up in 2009. You know, if they make it in time they can secure their spot on the Oscars telecast.

There's Chinese parlor houses using emerald tokens right now putting their organs on the line for.. well, I suppose it's money that they're gambling on. I mean, who would gamble for anything different? We're not in Japan and this ain't no pachinko machine around.

So how does the game work? You come up with ten celebrities who you think have a higher risk of dying over the course of 2009. Then we apply a 100 point system. You take the age of the corpse and subtract 100 from it. At the end of the year you add up how many points you have from your stiffs and declare the winner. ... Well, it's a hallow victory unless you really dislike the person.

So here's my Celebrity picks on who will bite it in 2009.

Hugh Hefner - He dropped his other girlfriends for twins. They'll give him a heart attack and I'll get some points out of it.

Roger Ebert - Writes the best movie reviews but has lost the ability to talk and isn't in the best health.

BB King - Diabetes and he's not looking like he's in great health. One of those bittersweet picks. When he dies he'll take some great music with him.

George Steinbrenner - Fuck the Yankees. He didn't show up for the last game at Yankee Stadium and stepped down from his position leaving his two sons to control the franchise. That's saying something right there. This dude's entering the bottom of the 9th.

Amy Winehouse - They told me she was going to live through 2009 and I said NO NO NO! Is there any reason that I need to give that isn't clear enough already?

Mindy Mcready - Crrraaaaaaazzzzzzzzy.

Patrick Sawyze - His dirty dancing ways are soon to come to an end. A case of cancer really means that I'll be surprised if he last six months into this year.

Ted Kennedy
- How has this man escaped death and John and Bobby didn't, I'll never get. But death is seriously at his door already.

Larry King - We lose Tim Russert before we lose Larry King? There's no God. But I'm sure 2009 will balance it all out.

Barack Obama - It pains me to put him on the list. America got it right and elected the lesser evil. But we all know that this is a grim reality that we need to face. Someone will try to take a shot at Obama. Our country is too divided and there's way too many crazy red necks out there. I saw a lot of that living in the south for a short time I did. I'm hoping that this one is another dud. But being the morally corrupt soul that I am, I can't help but put him on my dead pool list.

So there you have it. , that's my list. I encourage you to email me with your list and I'll add you on. Winner will get some strange prizes I'll accumulate over the year. Not to mention the satisfaction that you called it. You morbid sick freaks!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Home Is Where The Harddrive Is

Home Is Where The Hard drive Is

The pitch:

PlayStation®Home is a 3D social gaming community that allows PLAYSTATION® 3 users to meet, chat, plan, and launch into games together. You can create your own custom avatar, decorate your personal apartment, play mini-games, shop, watch videos, attend special events, and much more - it's all part of PlayStation®Home.

Social avatar mini-game product placement special event shopping? Hell yes. This is what we live for.

We stopped playing board games long ago because aside from the company's logo on the box, there just isn't enough advertising to keep us interested. Worse yet, once you buy Scrabble, your wallet goes back in your pocket. There's no chance to buy Letter Packs or a Red Bull brand beanie to impress the people you're playing with, or even a Lignet Roset sofa to sit on. What's up with that?

Home promises to deliver all the advertising and microtransactions that board games lack, while eliminating all the fun and the sense that you're communicating with other people. Avatars are sort of creepy in a sleepwalking hipster sort of way, and since typing with the controller is a painstaking and painful process, most people communicate by standing directly in front of one another and using one of a few canned dance moves.

The few games that exist within Home's virtual worldosphere are simplistic and overcrowded. One can't shake the feeling of being the thirty seventh guy in line at a bukkake where the starlet is, in fact, just a blow up doll. At least I can't. I've had that feeling all my life.

Maybe that's a bit unfair. Home delivers so much more than marketing in the guise of social interaction - it also provides yet another layer of abstraction between you and the games you bought a video game system to play.

As gaming grows, console makers try to appeal to wider audiences with the swiss army knife approach. Gone are the days of putting a game in a system, turning it on, and instantly being greeted with a prompt to "Press Start" and play. Now every system bombards you with dashboards, channels and media bars filled with featured downloads, weather updates, advertisements (sensing a pattern?) and system update notifications.

Our video game machines can do more than ever, but it seems that none of the added capabilities do much to improve our experience of, you know, playing video games. One could even argue that premium downloadable content has soured things more than it has provided actual, valuable content that shouldn't have been on the disc in the first place.

If you plan to use Home to "meet, chat, plan, and launch into games together" then you will have one more step to go through after being presented with the XMB and installing any software updates before you can get into your game of choice. I'm not really sure why you couldn't just do this from a friends list within a game.

If you don't plan to use Home as an unnecessary and somewhat awkward platform for launching into games with friends, you will basically have Second Life with no user creativity or deviant sex, but more fauxhawk than you could ever possibly need.

Calendar 2009 - Beta Pack

Calendar v2009 - Beta pack

Well, despite fears that they wouldn't get this thing out for a few more weeks due to a bug switching from winter to spring, the new 2009 Calendar demo will be officially released tomorrow afternoon at a press conference. I've been actively seeking out any and all news related to the new calendar for five months now, and happened to get a leaked copy.

I'm pretty sure that this will be the best version yet.

Some upgrades:

In previous years, the calendar has had the weekends separated by the week. Finally, after a lot of user feedback, they've combined Saturday and Sunday together. No more waiting all week just to get the second part of your weekend. I'll be happy that I can finally take a date on weekend vacations; it just wasn't feasible with only one day and then a week in between.

Seems they're really pushing the patriotic shit down our throats this year though with all the different days: veterans' day, flag day, memorial day, presidents' day, patriots day, independence day, etc. I guess nobody is too low to stoop to making a profit off 9-11. There have been calls to retire the day 9-11 and add a completely new date, but for now we're forced to remember the tragedy.

After the leap year experiment, it was decided that it just wasn't worth it. It posed a risk of triggering more blue moon situations. So they have axed the 29th day in February, back down to just 28. The theory behind 29 days in February is sound, but more work needs to be done on the algorithms. I know that the team in charge of it is still employed, so maybe we can hope to see it put back in at a later date when they've ironed out a few more of the bugs?

Left out:

Despite rumors and speculation, this release failed to include any web 2.0 systems for including user generated content. It's only a matter of time, they can't fight this for much longer. Oh well, here's to next year.

Known Bugs:

They couldn't start the new year at the beginning of the week without making the new version incompatible with the old one, but that's been one of those things most of us have grown used to, and it hardly even seems to matter anymore.

In the event of the Apocalypse the calendar will probably stop working correctly. It does not have any provisions for the enforcement of dates in a Mad-Max style wasteland. Future releases may address this, but they're being pretty tight lipped about it.

Calendar v2009 will come included with the v2008 one second bug fixed. It should have never been an issue and the extra second was easily patched. With the beta release of Calendar v2009 being released means we can play around with it to see if it's the Calendar we want to use. Only downside is that we can't install and run the program till Thursday at midnight.

Calendar 2009 will be crafted from the finest materials, with high quality standards. I know that a few of you got to July and then noticed that your calendars became unreliable, but this year promises to be a much better suited to a year of use. My grandpa is still using his calendar from 1969, so I know the technology is out there to make a sturdy calendar that will last, and let's hope that there will be a return to that sort of quality this year.

You'll have to throw out your old calendars, they just wont work once you upgrade to this version. A lot of people I know just cut them in half and turn them over and use the pictures on the back, frame them or something. It's a good way to get a little extra use out of your old useless calendar.

I know a lot of people have been comparing the use of Gregorian Calendars vs Mayan ones. Just because Mayan ones have a sleek design, don't believe the lies in their ads to "Think Differently." Mayan calendars may not have to get new versions every year but you wont have any support after 2013.


Q: Why is Monday still on the calender? Nobody likes Monday.

A: Excellent question The reason why Monday is still on there is because the attempt to create a new beginning of the week with another S would only confuse matters.

Q: I heard that you had to lose a Saturday in March because of the economy, is this true? I notice you didn't mention that at all in your literature. If so it sickens me and you should really be ashamed.

A: It is sadly true that we did have to lose a Saturday in March due to budget cuts. The pirating and illegal download of Calendars of years past left us with no other choice. If that Saturday in March is important to you, you may want to look into importing your calendar from Japan this year.

Q: Will you be continuing to support previous years' calendars? My company is still using Calendar 98. Will we have any backward-compatibility issues?

A: I'm afraid not. The only way to benefit and use Calendar 2009 dates is by upgrading your companies Calendar software. Perhaps you should talk to your bosses as we do provide lower business rates for software to companies looking to upgrade.

Q: Is this going to affect my sundial's Preferences? I just re-installed it with a shovel and donn't want to mess around with it.

A: Your sundial's software should still work as normal under your preference settings. Your dial may be off around spring and fall when the time changes, but it should not effect you more than normal.

So with all this out in the open, I'm looking forward to the new Calendar v2009. I used v2008 for a whole year and while it had some bumps in the road, it still worked great all year round in telling me what day it was. Made planning and organizing days a breeze. Here's hoping v2009 is great for you as well.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Holiday Gift Guide: Sex Toys

Holiday Gift Aftermath: Sex Toys

Let's face the facts. Your gift to her was beyond crappy. Did you really think you could get away with just giving her that? You had that yelling coming, mister! So what do you have to look forward to now? Not having sex. That's for damn sure! Looks like you're stuck masturbating. Are you going to do it yourself like a sucker? Hell no! Not in the America I live in! But perhaps you're not hip to the wonders of what sex toys are like these days. It's as if someone using a calculator in the 70's opens their eyes to the wonders of computers in the 2000's.

To be frank, I wanted to do this blog post for a while now and it's always been laying there in the back with no real clear way to approach it. But I figured I could shoe horn this into it and well.. sure, I guess it doesn't fit very well a couple of post apart from Christmas, Hanukkah and the other holidays but hey, sex sells! Consider this my magnum opus into getting viewers. Besides, I did a blog about a cook book on cum, do you really think this is sacred ground of any sort?

Back to the who sex toys thing. Yeah, this isn't going to be pleasant list. More than likely you're going to feel tame in what you do in the sack when shown some of these. So I warn that this blog entry is not safe for work. But then again, if you're on the internet pissing away time reading this blog at work -you deserve to be fired. More than likely you're unemployed and drunk. Which would be the ideal conditions when reading this. If not for the simple fact that these sex toys will blow your fuckin' mind. Or just make you blow...

The Venus Love

Description: The Venus Love is the Ultimate Goddess of Love. Duel motor control with an advanced futuristic design, complete with cascading love leaves that line the shaft with variable speed vibrating side arm. The tip of the Venus Love has a tulip shape top that is lined with 5 love leaves deliver a tingling sensation. When the tip is pressed against the body it creates a sucking sensation as it is moved, great for clitoral and nipple stimulation.


Women's sex toys are getting more terrifying and otherworldly every year. It's as if the basic shape and function of a human penis is no longer satisfying to the liberated 21st century woman.

The Venus Love is definitely raising the bar. Actually, it appears to be raising something up from the bottom of the ocean. Some primordial nightmare half-glimpsed through the dark portal of a bathysphere. Some sort of bioluminescent invertebrate with stinging fronds.

Forget about your pussy, you would scream if your hand brushed against this thing on the nightstand. It's got a look that says, "I inject a necrotizing poison and suck out liquefied tissue."

These days there might just be a market for that.

The Aneros Peridise

Description: After years of development, we are pleased to announce the release of the Aneros Peridise, our "Unisex Anal PC-Toy" for men and women. The Peridise is a PC sphincter muscle driven device which induces involuntary, peristaltic contractions of the anal canal. This causes an increased blood supply to the region which results in incredible pleasure. How's that for a new concept?


This image of the Aneros Peridise has the same austere look as a spare part for a dialysis machine pictured in a medical supply catalog. Or maybe a restaurant supply catalog. It's not something you buy for a wild night of orgasmic pleasure, it's something you buy when you're making your own olive oil and you want a really airtight stopper.

The Aneros also has that vague computerized perfectness of a CAD concept. Like it was never actually intended for production, they just designed it to prove the concept that if you stick it up your ass your wind resistance will be lowered.

The description doesn't exactly inflame my passion either. "Induces involuntary, peristaltic contractions of the anal canal." That sounds like something the nurse in the emergency room does for your kid when he swallows a bunch of nickels. If my kid swallowed a bunch of nickels I want him to a learn a lesson, not "experience incredible pleasure."

Flip A Sista Over

Description: Here's the answer to every man's dream... a sweet chocolate pussy at one end and a tight puckered ass at the other, with nothing to get in the way of pleasure! The soft silicone sleeve stretches to fit any size, and feel unbelievably real on both ends. Use the enclosed lube and feel how silky smooth your new pleasure toy will feel.

There are a lot of male sex toys that reduce a woman down to a vagina and an anus on opposite ends of a latex tube with, as the descriptions claims, "nothing to get in the way of pleasure!" I assume they mean either lady issues or a taint.

This vagina/asshole tube stands out for its marketing twist. Although, I must observe that the packaging promises that flipping "her" over will allow you to avail yourself of "some bootylicious fun." This stretches the definition of a booty beyond the breaking point.

Belladonna Extreme Pussy and Ass

Description: Molded on superhot and acrobatic porn star Belladonna, this realistic pussy and ass masturbator feels so real you'll love touching it as much as using it. Designed to look like Belladonna bending over and spreading both her pussy and ass open for you to enjoy, even her hands look real. Sink into her shaved pussy or tight ass and feel soft, clinging ribs treat your erection to amazing sensation. The open ended tunnel is easily flushed with water to clean between sessions.

If the human species ever has to stand trial in a galactic court this thing is going to be one of the exhibits for the prosecution. The one that gets our race condemned to the interstellar sex offender registry.

"The extreme pussy and ass with the hands is proof enough," the two-headed judge will declare. "You are a race of perverts. May Xoglok have mercy on your souls."

We'll have to let every alien species we come in contact with know about our history as a sex-offending species.

"Yeah, the partial rubber ass with the...yeah, with the hands pulling it open...yeah, that was us. But we've changed. We don't make these sorts of things anymore. We've been through therapy and we've learned our lessons."

We won't be able to get good jobs. We won't be able to colonize planets near schools. Really, this thing marks the decline of human civilization.

Let's pray to Xoglok we can erase every trace of it.

Futurotic Masturbator

Description: Unique Futurotic" masturbator has a tits-and-penis design!


Tits-and-penis design works okay for the Futurotic masturbator, but I say why limit ourselves? I would like to see more practical devices include these features. Maybe a car with tits-and-penis steering or a tits-and-penis baby stroller. What in the world would not be made better by arbitrarily attaching a penis and tits?

Pipedream Extreme Toyz Rub One Out Masturbator

Description: Forget that tired old sock! This soft masturbator feels just like a real hand caressing every inch of your rod-only it vibrates while you control the action! Glide the life-like hand up and down your cock and stroke your way to climax. The vibrator slides in the back of the masturbator and provides added stimulation, making it the most satisfying and fun hand job ever!

Produced by Ultimate Redundancy Adult Entertainment Amusements. This product only makes sense if you are going creepy sex toy Dr. Frankenstein and trying to construct your own Real Doll in a piecemeal fashion.

"It's not alive! But it's vibrating! And moaning!"

I've been thinking on how this could be any different than just simply doing it yourself and I think I killed enough brain cells in the process. You still have to make a gripping motion to hold on to the handle..


Description: You love your candidate... Let him love you back! With a golden color and firm, smooth feel, the Head O State will stand upright and last all night! I WANT A BIG O!


"COMMEMORATIVE EDITION," presumably so you can commemorate the exact moment you became part of the problem. The only thing creepier than a gold Obama dildo is the rendition of him on the package. At least they found a way to reuse all those Trevor Goodchild dildos that were collecting dust.

This is change we shouldn't ever believe in.

Hannah Harper's Titty Fuck Her

Description: Give Hannah the pearl necklace she's always wanted! Wrap your love rod between her warm, supple tits, pinch her perky nipples, and give it to her all night long! Slide your cock inside Hannah's soft, wet pussy and squeeze a hand full of her big tits. Select a desired vibration and Hannah will keep you cumming all night. Made of life-like Fanta Flesh, Hannah's Titty Fuck-Her is super soft and warm to the touch, satisfying you with every stroke. She'll love feeling your cock either way!

Jesus Christ. I have a feeling your radio will start making creepy noises when you take this thing out of the box. The strategy guide suggests you use your pipe on it, but it's probably worth it to expend the bullets.

If only Salvador Dali had survived to stick his dick into this thing. This thing and the justification that there was a market to ever make such a thing should be reason why the human race should just nuke itself and allow the world to just start this crazy train all over.

In case the blurred image wasn't proof enough that this was creepy as fuck with a vagina in the middle of its cleavage, then perhaps you need to see the unedited image of it. Yup. As advertised, a pussy in the middle of tits.

So there you have it. Your holiday gift may have sucked, but at least your partner didn't give you one of these. On the chance that they did, go file the divorce papers before the New Year. Seriously. Go tomorrow. Just pitch a tent and camp out now so that you don't have to risk sleeping with someone who will be jamming some hard piece of plastic up your ass(or ear) tonight.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Batman: RIP

Batman: R.I.P

If you didn't already know this about me, I am a nerd. I buy comic books, I read them often. Hell, I'm wearing DC superhero pj bottoms as we speak. I'm sure that's not an image you want to get stuck in your mind. None the less, I'm a nerd and proud of it.

Recently Grant Morrison took the title and ran with it in the typical Grant Morrison method. For those of you non-comic nerds still reading this, Grant Morrison is a comic book writer the likes of which are much the same as Hunter S. Thompson. He is constantly on drugs and it shows in his writing. He carries out the idea of hypertime and the fact that I understand it show that I have either taken one too many drugs without my knowledge or I'm just way to nerdy.

His current run of Batman was called BATMAN: R.I.P. As the title tells you, Batman's going to die. Every decade or so DC likes to kill of or change the status quo. Superman died and came back. The Green Lantern went from Hal Jordan to Kyle Rayner. Batman already got his back broken leaving a new Batman to take over in the 90's. In this same fashion Batman is going to change persona from Bruce Wayne to one of the potential other Batman characters under the cowl.

At first I wasn't to thrilled with this news. Batman should always be Bruce Wayne. That's like bringing in New Coke. Sure it's new, but it doesn't taste like what I'm used to. I've also been reading comics long enough to realize that this wont last long. Maybe a year or two at most. Eventually it'll go back to the same ol' same ol'. Batman will be Bruce Wayne. You can't change that. After seeing this image littered with clues on the whole mess though, my interest starts getting peaked and I'm thinking that maybe the destination doesn't matter as long as I enjoy the ride.

Many Batmen on there and a lot of potentials. Tony Daniel's art looks better than that cover, too, but that might just be because the picture is blurry. After years of reading Detective Comics, I'm willing to venture out and make a couple of guesses on the image.

A) The "J" on the Joker card is backwards.
B) The Batman with the yellow chest oval on the left has a bo staff, so that's probably Tim Drake, the last Robin. He seems to be wearing the Batman costume that Bruce wore when Tim became Robin.
C) Harley, lamenting the Joker's absence? Seems kind of crazy, but Daniel is definitely aware of all of Grant's run so it'll probably follow from that.
D) Alfred Pennyworth, loaded for bear. He looks pretty great here, actually.
E) Almost definitely Dick Grayson, wearing the Batman costume that Bruce wore when Dick first became Robin. My choice on who should take over the mantle for the time being
F) R.I.P. Batman
G) Two-Face, no doubt, especially since he's positioned right in front of the penny, and he's covering what would be the scarred side of his face. Probably following up on his time as Gotham's protector during 52, as shown in James Robinson's "Face the Face" arc.
H) Jason Todd (who else would have a costume that fucking stupid with all those guns), apparently standing over the coffin of Wayne Enterprises. (Whose arm is that coming out of the coffin - Bruce's? It looks like a woman's...)
I) Batwoman, apparently investigating something, judging by the magnifying glass. I doubt she's actually battling for the cowl (and neither are Harley and Alfred), but she'll probably play a fairly major role.
J) Damian, lookin' sly, tuggin' on the bandage around the leg of...
K) "Bruce Wayne", who, judging by the bandage, is probably actually Hush, who performed plastic surgery on himself to look like Bruce Wayne back in the "Heart of Hush" arc in Paul Dini's Detective Comics. I assume Damian's using Hush to angle for a place in Bruce Wayne's will, or a spot in Wayne Enterprises or something.
L.) Is that a wheel in the back of the Bruce Wayne/Hush character? Perhaps the Paraplegic Barbara finally gets out of her wheel chair... Well, a boy can dream, can't he?

So there we have it. I told myself I wouldn't go into long story arcs again. Especially not with Batman since it usually crosses over at least two or three comic books and that can be costly to collect.. But I'm getting a little excited over this whole arc.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy Kwanzaa? Bring on Boxing Day!

Happy Kwanzaa? Bring on Boxing Day!

Wait. Does anyone even care about this shit anymore?
All I know, it is a holiday where a bunch of black people put on a dashiki and sit around a circle playing the drums. And I dont need an excuse to wear a dashiki.

Kwanzaa is just another example of reverse racism. Why is there a black christmas but not a white one. When will Bing Crosby's vision of equality finally be realized. I know, I know. I'm brown. Why should I care? Might as well stuff my mouth with more Tamales and call it a day. But I say to you, good sir, NO THANK YOU! I ate enough Tamales to kill a small elephant already.

When it comes to Holidays it really should be said that you were more than likely taking a piss when they passed out celebrations if you're stuck with Kwanzaa. As best as I can figure out, it was created in 1966 and it was a seven day celebration for very generic reasons such as family, culture blah blah blah. Seriously, Festivus was created around the same time and you don't see the big movement to make it anything more than some circus side show of a celebration.

And yet Festivus causes bigger news than Kwanzaa
In the world of the TV sitcom "Seinfeld," Festivus is a goofy, high-tension Christmas substitute dreamt up by George Costanza's angry dad. Revelers gathered around an aluminum pole and couldn't leave until someone pinned the head of the household to the floor.

Festivus is still good for a laugh among "Seinfeld" loyalists, even 11 years after the episode was first broadcast.

Funny, but nobody's laughing much about the Festivus pole that popped up under the dome of the Illinois Capitol this week.

"I think it's a mockery," said Dan Zanoza, chairman of the Springfield Nativity Scene Committee.

"If the state's going to create a forum for religion at this time of year, which we do not approve of, this is what's going to happen," said Annie Laurie Gaylor of the Freedom from Religion Foundation.

Even the 18-year-old who created the pole isn't laughing much. State workers, he gripes, set it up too far out of the way for anyone to see.

"I'm halfway thinking about complaining about the location," Michael Tennenhouse said.

Nathan Maddox, senior legal adviser with the Illinois Secretary of State's office, says the state couldn't legally deny Tennenhouse's right to free expression.
Ha! Now that's a Holiday that if I didn't already blog about, I would do so just in honor of it making news in such a troll like fashion. But since it's already over you're going to have to wait till next year to celebrate Festivus.

What does that leave you trying to get out of work for the 26th? Well, don't bother with Kwanzaa. You'll spend half the day off trying to figure out what it even means or what you do on it. You're better off sticking with Saturnalia. A whole week of eating tons of food and worshiping Saturn sounds pretty boss. You can also say you're from across the pond and are celebrating Boxing day.

It's like Soccer in that the world celebrates it but it never caught on in the states unless you slightly alter it. To make the football/futball comparison, it's simply Christmas a day later without all the Jesus allegories. While we're out there returning gifts, they're going out and getting them.

So Happy Boxing Day. I won't even recognize Kwanzaa till Festivus gets a national holiday out of it. Sure, I don't want my banks to be closed yet another day in December, but it's all about being an equal holiday distributor in this world of ours.

Thursday, December 25, 2008



As if the death count for Christmas wasn't enough with the previous blog, I have some sad news in the Batman world to report. Eartha Kitt died today. I guess we got our group of three deaths.
First Bettie Page dies and then Majel Barrett- Roddenberry beams out. Now Eartha? Tragic.

As you can tell from that very descriptive AP wire report, it's still pretty damn frrrrrrrrresh news. I should feel bad about all the puns I am thinking about here but I did go on a rant to a family member about how extremely uncharitable the song "Santa Baby" was. It's just classic "I'm a woman, gimme gimme gimme!" drivel. I'm sure glad that womens rights advanced enough that we're all equal now.. oh wai....

Who knew hairballs were carcinogenic.

I was more of a fan of Batgirl... well, borderline obsessed with Batgirl would be a more accurate way to put it. But I did respect Eartha for her role as Catwoman. Nothing was more imprinting than her method of rolling those R's in a way that no one else could possibly imagine. Toss in Emperor's New Groove and you'll see how perrrrrrrRrrrrfect she did in sounding evil.

So to you, the best Catwoman, I say farewell.

The night Santa went crazy

The Night Santa Went Crazy

When it was just grandma that got run over by his reindeer I assumed it was an accident and this jolly ol' saint Nick wasn't actually evil. That viewpoint changed with the news today showing that Santa Killed 3 and then himself.

A man dressed as Santa Claus opened fire at a Christmas Eve party in a suburban Los Angeles home that subsequently caught fire, leaving three people dead, police said.

The man arrived at the party in Covina late Wednesday and immediately opened fire with a handgun, police Lt. Pat Buchanan said.

Buchanan says three bodies were found after the fire was put out. He could not say how the fire started or how the three people died.

Buchanan says three other people were injured. A woman in her 20s and an 8-year-old girl had gunshot wounds that were not life-threatening, and a third person had a broken ankle.

Police are seeking a man they are calling a person of interest, 45-year-old Bruce Jeffrey Pardo. Buchanan said Pardo is the estranged husband of a person who may have been at the party.

Police received several 911 calls with reports of shots fired at 11:30 p.m. Wednesday night, and were still hearing gunshots after they arrived and found the house in flames, Buchanan said.
When Fox news said that there was a war on Christmas I should have listened. The alternative titles to this article would have been Santa Clause is gunning you down, Merry Christmas not Scary Christmas, Spreading that Holiday Fear and Ho Ho Holy shit that man has a gun! But since it's the Holidays I'll hold back on the terrible puns... ok, so I wont. But I'll attempt to curb it.

Baldwin Park and West Covina are mostly shitholes..but Covina itself? It really only recently started getting shitty. When the ghetto keeps expanding it's eventually going to consume the surrounding areas -hungry for more souls. And let's not forget the wonderful circus of lost souls and shattered dreams that is the canyon city of Azusa. It's only a matter of time before some crazy dude dresses as the Easter Bunny and slaughters countless.

The suspect in question for such a killing spree shoved a coal up his stocking and offed himself. It's going to be tough to explain to the kids next year that Santa killed himself. Just make sure to explain that it wasn't because little Timmy and Jenny asked for way too much and Santa couldn't handle the stress.

Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. What if it turns out the people he killed... were terrorists? What then? Perhaps we should be treating this man like a hero. A Jack Bauer of the Holiday world. Nah, the dude was certified insane. As anyone would be if they've been working with elves all year creating toys for all the boys and girls. It was only a matter of time before that big fat man went to far! Santa needs to be stopped!

If it's not because of this random murders that he happens to commit every couple of years, it's because the whole idea of a fat man in a suit being allowed into your home without any question as to safety should not be allowed! Think of what it teaches the children. As well as create expectations to kids that anything the want they can get simply by putting it on a Christmas list. Oh sure, they have to be good. But who's to say what's behaving good and what counts as being bad? What if Santa's standards for good and bad change. We can't trust the moral compass of a man who goes on a killing spree every couple of years.

Oh what the hell, one more picture of the jolly old fat crazy bastard!

Night Before Christmas

Night Before Christmas

I remember the days when me and my friend first mastered the ability to use our dial-up modems to play two player Doom match ups. We spent nights playing these first person games co-op. The process was far more extensive and required a lot more effort than the simple act of jumping on Xbox live like you kids these days. Holy shit, did I just sound like an old person in comparing how things were "back in my day"?

If that's the case then I imagine that we have come a long way where staying up playing video games at the wee hours of the morning is a norm. But perhaps this is why the night before Christmas lost a good amount of meaning. I never was one to rush to bed in hopes that Santa was coming. I was always up for a game of Doom or whatever FPS was attracting my trigger fingers attention at the time.

It's another reason why I've become such an insomniac by choice. The night time offered zero interruptions to my dial up modem. Who the hell was going to call and have my game disconnected? So I thank you, video games, for destroying any concept I had and ever would have of sleep.

I suppose with that I should just give you some Holiday cheer. Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, everyone!

And if you can't do that, then have a good ol' regular Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I'll Be Home For Christmas

I'll Be Home For Christmas

I wont and neither will the men and women of our armed forces fighting for the freedom of... well, I guess shoe throwing, in Iraq. So one wonders what's the next best thing for those families with members stationed in a war? Why it's a piece of cardboard!


"Flat Daddies and Flat Mommies are life-sized printed posters of parents who are actively serving overseas in the military"

I finally was able to get a picture of dd giving her "daddy" kisses before bed. the flat daddy has helped so much and we love it! -- d. pulliam

Here is our flat daddy sitting at the dinner table. He also rides with us in the car,sleeps in his bed and the dogs just love him.. Well, Love to bark at him.. But recently while he was home for R&R(June 08) the dogs knew who he was and I think that has a lot to do with flat daddy since they were just puppies when Dad left! -- Beverly Bloom

This form only allowed me to submit one photo with my story but I also wanted to share with you my 6yr old hugging our flat daddy. -- Stacy Beilke

This form only allowed me to submit one photo with my story but I wanted you to see our baby playing with the flat daddy. He's spent more time with his flat daddy than his real daddy. It means so much to me to keep that bond going. Thanks! -- Stacy Beilke

My husband was gone through most of my pregnancy. So, we took him along to doctor appointments, he sat at the table for Thanksgiving and Christmas, came to my baby shower, and of course was at the birth. Here is a shot of him at my ultrasound. Having my Flat Husband meant the world to me and became a huge hit with our family and helped me deal with him being away when I needed him. Thanks so much -- Sara

"When I got my daughter's flatdaddy in the mail I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. It took me a week to decide. It was kind of hard for her to carry it, but she wanted him to go everywhere with her. So I made it into a backpack! She loves that she can carry him anywhere and not worry about tripping or falling over. Thank You so much! She can love on him anytime she wants....This has made one little girl very happy!!! -- Sonya Predmore"

This picture is like the Humane society fire. It's both sad and funny at the same time. Talk about emotional baggage. Imagine if she walks past a wall or fence and all you can see is the soldier's face popping out. You look out the window and there's this smiling soldier holding a gun, silently gliding past your house.

A while ago I saw a series of photos and interviews of an army wife, half from before and half from after her husband was killed. She had a Flat Daddy and in the 'after' photos there was like one of her just lying on a mattress staring at it and sobbing. Pretty fucked up. The worst part is that there all in uniform in the source images. Now the only memento she has is a reminder of what he was doing when he died and not the actual human being that she cared about.

I'm wondering how they deal with receiving a phone call informing you that your husband was killed in Iraq, and you turn around to have that soulless piece of cardboard staring straight through your eyes and into your soul.

so, it turns out this is the saddest thing possible.

Then again, it's also up there on the scale with how creepy it is.

No matter if you're feeling sad or laughing at how creepy this may look, there's one thing to take away from all this; Many people aren't home for the holidays. Looking past the gifts (Ok, I'm not materialistic ALL the time) and the food (God damn tamales!) you need to find the true meaning of Christmas. It's not about some baby being born to a virgin, even if there ever was a dude named Jesus, he wasn't born in December in the desert. That's for damn sure. The real meaning of Christmas is to spend it with some friends and family. Even if it's only a couple of moments, they should be ones you treasure.

You never know when you're going to have to settle for some cardboard cutout of that person you're missing.

Batmobile Lost A Wheel....

Batmobile Lost A Wheel....

I know that during the Holiday season we're suppose to let the past be the past and have all be forgotten. Well, I guess that's more New Years. Either way, the winter solstice is for peace, love and understanding.. So I'm having a hard time understanding why Chrysler CEO's were so stupid in spending 100,000 on this ad in the Wall Street Journal

Way to go Chrysler, the tax payers money hard at work! HEY FUCKTARDS, THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NO MONEY!

Let's go over this again. Is spending $100,000 to remind people you got bailed out despite public opposition doesn't seem very smart, but they're professionals. I'm sure they know what they're doing. Here I was tempted to plop down cash for a 2009 Dodge Challenger... Not anymore!

Way to take a shit in our stockings Chrysler. How about you spend that 100,000 on new jobs or hiring a department to come up with a car that doesn't burn gas and cause larger congestion on the road. You know, something economical and fuel efficient. Is that too hard?

Up yours Chrysler.. I'd hope for your downfall but then again, it's only a matter of time before you go broke again.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Festivus for the rest of us

Festivus For The Rest Of Us

This time of year it can be odd for those of us who don't confirm to any one religious celebration. I'm an atheist who was born into a Catholic family and I work in the film industry, so I'm as good as Jewish. So those two holidays sort of mash up against each other.

In truth, Christmas really doesn't ring all that well with me. The shopping and all the fake good will towards one another as you stomp each other to death to get the latest video game just seems like a contradiction. Hanukkah, as much as I love potato pancakes, just doesn't seem like my thing either. What, with the eight gifts and constant fear that I'll start a fire? Oy! That's why I say bring on Festivus!

In the 3rd century, before the common era, the comic poet Plautus used the term Festivus to refer to "wild celebrations attended by citizens cutting loose on religious holidays." I like the sound of that myself. The modern day Festivus was shaped and reformed in 1966 by Daniel O'Keefe who was a writer for Reader's Digest. The idea just came to his head as a way to celebrate the middle point between the Winter Solstice and Christmas. It also coincided with the day that he and his wife had their first date. What a sucker. I mean, start dating right near Christmas? You're boned for a gift.

He developed it during the 1970s while he researched his book "Stolen Lightning" that really went into the ways that people use cults, astrology and paranormal as a defense against social pressures. How we all came to follow this new cult has all to deal with his son, Daniel, who was a writer on Seinfield, describes Festivus with his family which included the following.

  • A wrestling match amount the children in the family.
  • The airing of grievances where you present complaints to friends and family about all the ways in which they have disappointed them over the year.
  • A Clock in a bag. The meaning of this was lost to history.
  • A random yearly theme. "Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?" and "Too easily made glad?" were two Daniel remembers.

This was all kept in the family till 1997 when the Seinfeld episode The Strike first aired. In the show, Frank Costanza said that he saw the need for a new holiday when he was in a department store near Christmas time. He engaged in a tug of war with another shopper over the last remaining doll which he wanted to purchase for one of his young children. Neither customer got the doll; it was destroyed during the battle. Costanza explained: "I realized there had to be a better way." So, he developed Festivus, a celebration for the rest of us.

George Costanza was trying to think of a scam to save money for the holidays gave co-workers fake cards indicating that he made a donation in their name to a fake charity. When it was found out he gave the excuse that he celebrated Festivus and was afraid of persecution.

The changes made to the original festivities were
  • A Christmas tree substitute made of plain aluminum pole without decoration as Frank found tinsel distraction.
  • The celebration concludes when the head of the family is wrestled to the floor and pinned.

As you can see, it's not that much of a difference. So you have the moment you tell others how they let you down over the year, wrestle heads of family and there's an aluminum pole involved. How could this be a wrong thing? I would wonder why it hasn't picked up in celebration more but in truth, it's gaining some massive popularity. O'Keefer indeed invented a cult and when it comes to holiday celebrations, I'm all for it!

So have yourself a Happy Festivus!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Hanukkah: A Celebration of Endurance

Hanukkah: A Celebration of Endurance

Todays two blogs were a bit of a bummer. We need some good news, I say! I can't think of better news than a good deal, which brings us to Hanukkah. The grand ol' candle lighting started last night and this bad boy aint stopping till all eight are lit up! to break it down, it's a holiday about getting a bargain. Above all else though, Hanukkah is more about celebrating endurance. During Hanukkah there's always a series of endurances that the Jewish people must go through;
  • Correcting the way people butcher and spell Hanukkah.
  • Explaining the yarmulke and asking people not to call it a Jew beanie.
  • Putting up with endless hours of Christmas programming
  • Working on Christmas day as those who celebrate it want the day off.
  • Having to turn down Christmas ham and Christmas shrimp
  • Explaining that whole dradle thing.
  • Enduring the looks as you don't take part in the gift exchange
  • 8 days of dealing with family. Ouch! I can barely handle one.
That's a lot to endure if you ask me.. But before we get into the further ways the Jewish people have been pushed let's get into history first. The story of Hanukkah is rich with both finding a good bargain and going green. After the Maccabees revolted more than 2,000 years ago, the Jewish people only had enough oil to last them one night for the redediction of the Temple in Jerusalem. To their surprise, eight days later they were saying "What's with this candle? 8 days and it hasn't called its mother? You know she worries about you!" It makes more sense than "A 'virgin' had a baby in a barn, he needs gifts!" but hey, that's just me.

As if making one days candle oil last 8 days wasn't enough to brag about, modern Jews are constantly pushing the envelope in terms of how to make Hanukkah less about dradles and more about breaking records!

Worshipers of the Temple Isaiah in New Port beach gathered around a giant solar oven cooking a potato pancake. Mmm, latka goodness! Still, was there ever a reason to make a potato pancake 3 feet across? Other than to hopefully break a record as "the world's largest cook potato pancake by a solar oven." Which is a strange, very niche Guinness record as it is. When you put such speculations on records like that then just about anything can become a new Guinness record. I'm going to shoot for "Largest amount of Jewish content on the internet in this specific blog."

Across town in Riverside, one temple's Hanukkah display was a menorah made of recycled wood, succulent plants, roses and other flowers. Did I mention it was giant? Oh yeah. Which is more attune to the whole Tikkun olam mentality which simply means "Make perfect." Scientist are currently looking for applications as to how they can replace the hole in the ozone with a giant litka to no avail.

If there's anything you can take away from this it's that Jews really like to break records or make something last. Have you've been to Canter's? Now that's a huge Matzo ball! Thing will last you hours and hours. I once went to Canter's and my buddies ordered while I was in the restroom. I came back and told them "Oh don't worry about me, I'll just sit here and starve." Sure enough, a Matzo ball came out the size of a house!

To address the elephant in the room. Yes, Jews control Hollywood. Can you blame them? In the thirties basically every Jew with creative talent came over from Europe to work in Hollywood. It's only natural that it'll happen this way. Is it a bad thing? Nope, I say! I have a job. Sure it may have been due to the whole Jewish nose thing I have going on, but I like to think that me and the Jewish community go well together. I really like the sense of humor. Jews are the funniest you see, it comes from dealing with the war.

Now go call your mother, she worries about you! Nothing fills the holiday spirit better than Jewish guilt!

Mice Suspected In Deadly Cat Fire

Mice Suspected In Deadly Cat Fire

Going on the record as being a big pussy and getting all emotional for animals, it's easy to see that I do what I can for animals without homes. While I may not like the fact that the humane society puts down the "less desirable" animals I do respect the work that they do in putting a pet into someones home.

So when I heard that a humane society burned down and killed a lot of potential pets it really made me sad. Then I read today that mice chewing through wires are to blame, and honestly I can't help but crack a bit of a smile and laugh because shit, that's pretty odd.

Then again, it's not so much ironic as it is coincidence I don't want to be an Alanis song or anything. Mice killing cats isn't the norm, but it's not like we need to stop mice extremism. In related news, radical Imam Mickey Mouse has issued a Fatwah on both Garfield and Heathcliff. One man's terrorist is another rodent's freedom fighter. The war between Mice and Felines is near. Choose your side. Man your weapons. The shit is about to go down.

Until this article I almost forgot it was possible to be laughing and crying at the same time. This seemed too much like an itchy and scratchy cartoon. They fight! And bite! And fight and bite and fight! Fight fight fight! Bite bite bite!

After the oddness of the article wares off it's just back to the reality of a really shitty situation.
Close to 100 cats, three dogs and several rabbits and rodents perished in the blaze. The initial death toll of 150 cats was downgraded after firefighters tallied the bodies yesterday.
That would be a pretty awful job and an terrible way to end an already tragic day. Who the fuck counts all the corpse?
Fireman: "95, 96, 97. There are 97 dead cats in this building."

It takes a cold heart to do that job ah ha ha ha ha!

Kind of reminds me of that news story from last year where some guy tossed a live mouse in a fire. The flaming mouse ran out of the fire and inside the guy's house, burning it to the ground. Ah yes, strange news is always something that I love to read.

So hey, why not go take your kids out to adopt a pet this year? It's a gift that wont go out of style after a couple of weeks and will bring mutual benefit to all involved. You give a deserving pet a good home and you provide a best friend to the household.