Saturday, January 31, 2009

Pardon My French

Pardon My French

Well, some dip shit Senate prick wants to ban cursing.
State Senator Robert Ford is hoping to outlaw lewd language and is pushing for a bill that would prohibit profanity.

Under the pre-filed bill, profanity could land you in jail for up to 5 years and/or cost you up to $5,000 in fines.

Which words are exactly considered profane is still unclear, but the bill does have a list of qualifications for profanity including words or actions that are lewd, vulgar or indecent in nature.

We spoke to Debra Gammons with the Charleston School of Law about freedom of speech.

She reminds that the First Amendment is not absolute. You cannot say whatever you want whenever you want to.

Courts will usually look at where the words were said and who heard them. Children are usually protected.
Dear senator Ford
Kindly direct your attention to a pile of my shit and eat the peanuts from it.
Yours truly-

All I have to say about this is FUCK THAT DUDE. Oh, I'm sorry. You can sack my dock, Mr. Senator. GOD DARN THIS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!!!!! I wanna send him emails full of "fuck" x 1000 since that will pretty much never be illegal

I don't want to do 5 years for saying fuck in front of children when I bash my hand with a hammer. Given this Senators track record, I'm sure "nigger" wont be on the list of unmentionable words. Guess it's time to make up some new swear words. I think it's about time!
Then again, last session a bill got filed in MA that made spanking illegal and EVERYBODY got all up in arms about it, despite the fact that in MA any citizen can file a bill and the bill never went anywhere. So this is all a matter of puffs of smoke with nothing to back it up.

Oh hey, what did this guy say about Obama?
"It's a slim possibility for him to get the nomination, but then everybody else is doomed. Every Democrat running on that ticket next year would lose — because he's black and he's top of the ticket. We'd lose the House and the Senate and the governors and everything."

"I'm a gambling man. I love Obama," Ford said. "But I'm not going to kill myself."
-Robert Ford
The kicker is he's black as well. That's a real shot to your own community. I was kind of expecting the Charleston law professor who was asked about free speech to, uh, defend free speech. Then again, I know that the South hates swear words that aren't said in a southern accent

The south... Where you can proudly say : "My child can't be taught those mean words! Now, remember son, gays and Muslims are evil and shouldn't be treated as humans, OK?"

Friday, January 30, 2009

Twittering Across The Internet

Twittering Across The Internet

I may not be as "hip" with the web 2.0 crowd but I do consider myself one that is able to judge how much something is worth. So when I'm told that Twitter turned down a 250 million offer I was left dumbstruck
Twitter, which just recently turned down a half billion dollar acquisition offer from Facebook (albeit to be paid mostly with Facebook stock), is dipping back into the venture capital market, we've heard from a source with knowledge of the deal. They've signed a term sheet with at least one venture fund to raise a new round at a $250 million valuation. We are still gathering information on how much they're raising and from whom.
I mean, do you know what twitter is? Seriously. All "Social Media" and "web 2.0" aside, it's just a facebook or Myspace status update without all the features. Why do people think anyone else cares what they are doing every minute. Does anyone actually read blogs or twitter or whatever other then the people who wrote them. I'm pretty sure the click count for this very blog is small. But at least this provides content... well, something resembling content at the very least.

Is their ad revenue seriously enough to make them worth $250,000,000? Actually, nope. Not at all. At the current time there's no ads. Twitter apparently hasn't even got a plan for making money. They haven't even figured out how to monetize it, how the fuck can they turn down a quarter billion dollars?

If I ever invented *anything* that resulted in me being offered $100m plus $400m worth of any stock, I would sell before you could say twitter. I really, really don't understand why people would turn down these huge offers when stuff like this can disappear as fast as it popped up. Take Napster for example. It just about had monopoly back in the day, now almost no one uses it for anything.

Even if the $400,000,000 worth was in Facebook stock. They should have took it and ran. Even if it's just facebook.... stock? hee hee. To be honest, i do kinda need to diversity my portfolio with xanga and myspace stock.

It seems like a great way to capitalize on the Stickam / Myspace "Social networking = popularity" generation the internet seems to have spawned. Nowadays everything's about "me", what better than a site dedicated to what a person is doing at any time for those types of people?

I know what you're thinking, "Its what all the kids are doing. Why don't you stop hating GRANDPA." Well you know what. I just got a phone with large number buttons on it, cause I must be old. Nah, I get it. You kids like giving your status on the minute by minute bases. This whole blog thing must be something crazy to you kids. More than 140 characters to express yourself? I must be crazy!

The big problem with Twitter and its ilk is that the user base is exactly the kind that will jump ship the moment it starts costing them real money to use, not to mention the tech-savvy crowd are exactly the sort of people who would waste no time at all in bringing out a free alternative - at which point the next chapter in the Twitter life story then becomes Napster redux.

This whale needs to be harpooned

It's also a money pit of servers that go down at the slightest provocation, and doesn't generate any revenue. $250 mil is rampant speculation that someday, somehow, they'll figure out how to monetize it. Which they haven't in almost 3 years. Maybe they should take the money and buy servers that don't shit the bed every 5 minutes posted one minute ago from twitteriffic

You're going to tell me that Google doesn't charge for their services and yet still "magically" makes money. But then I'll correct you when I tell you that Google rakes in massive piles of money licensing their search engine technology, various APIs, advertising, etc. Twitter is an equivalent to "multiplayer notepad".

Then there's pieces like this youtube twitter parody which explains why I could hate it..

OMG! WEB 2.0!!!!1111

Twitter is for social marketing, "social media" and "web 2.0" people love it. Where else can you follow Shaq? Or M.C. Hammer? Yes, twitter is also good if you want to e-stalk your favorite web-savvy celebrity (porn stars mostly). All it does is status updates, the same thing AIM away messages, and facebook/myspace statuses have been doing for years, but without all those pesky "features".

But get it straight, it’s Twittr not Twitter. I mean really, is it that hard to drop the last vowel and put the r right next to t - Posted from the bathroom

Thursday, January 29, 2009

God Damn It America!

God Damn It America!

I want to be proud of this country. I really want to. But when I see things like this in my face I really can't help but just close my eyes, put my hand on my forehead and shake my head. Seriously Let's take two stories:

A homeless man robbed a Louisiana bank and took a $100 bill. After feeling remorseful, he surrendered to police the next day. The judge sentenced him to 15 years in prison.
Roy Brown, 54, robbed the Capital One bank in Shreveport, Louisiana in December 2007. He approached the teller with one of his hands under his jacket and told her that it was a robbery.

The teller handed Brown three stacks of bill but he only took a single $100 bill and returned the remaining money back to her. He said that he was homeless and hungry and left the bank.

The next day he surrendered to the police voluntarily and told them that his mother didn’t raise him that way.

Brown told the police he needed the money to stay at the detox center and had no other place to stay and was hungry.

In Caddo District Court, he pleaded guilty. The judge sentenced him to 15 years in prison for first degree robbery.
Let that soak in. Just let it soak in. Now compare it with this story...

AIG executive sentenced to 4 years in prison after "stealing" $500 million

HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — A former executive of insurance heavyweight American International Group Inc. was sentenced to four years in prison Tuesday in a fraud case that authorities say cost shareholders more than $500 million.

Christian Milton of Wynnewood, Pa., declined to comment during a hearing in U.S. District Court in Hartford. Judge Christopher Droney also fined Milton $200,000 and ordered him to report to the federal Bureau of Prisons on March 25.

Lawyers for Milton said they are preparing an appeal.

Am I just too liberal? Am I the only one who realizes that one did far worse damage the than other but is getting a slap on the wrist? Shit. Less than a week ago someone told me they had a gun when they really didn't. I was a victim of a crime and I'm sympathetic to the homeless dude here who claimed to have a gun.

As far as I'm concerned I'm wondering how $500,000,000 fraud only nets you 4 years. Well, then again, we did just go through eight years of the Bush administration. I really should be surprised that someone who just stole $500 million even got jail time at all. Was Dick Cheney getting another fake heart when this AIG fuck went to ask for a pardon?

Click this image. I fucking dare you! Click it and see if your brain doesn't explode!

I know what you're thinking. When passing his sentence, the judge probably gave a lot of weight to the lack of violence and past record for the AIG asshole. Or the fact he hired a lawyer and the hobo had a court appointed one, if one at all.

You can make the argument that the same laws are written for rich and poor people, but you'd have to be blind to think the same laws actually apply. But hey, he said he was homeless and hungry, the nice judge was just giving him a place to sleep and eat for the next 12 years with good behavior. You know, to get him back on his feet...

As the youtube video above shows us from a Lewis Black teaches, there is levels of insanity that the filthy rich are miles ahead in the batshit crazy department than any homeless guy rambling on the street can ever hope and dream to achieve. When you factor in how fuck utterly insanely greedy you have to be to defraud others of $500 million. And then you factor in how much this one homeless guy, who had some moral obligation to go back the next day and give back the $100, Shit, if he was tried under the Federal court like Mr. AIG was, he'd be only up for, at most, one year in prison. federal bank robbery statute:
Subsection (b) outlines the penalties for anyone who takes and carries away, with the intent to steal or purloin, any property or money or any thing of value in the care, custody, control, management, or possession of any bank, credit union, or savings and loan. The maximum penalty for violation of this subsection is a fine and ten years imprisonment if the value of the property exceeds $100. The maximum penalty is a fine and one year imprisonment if the property's value is $100 or less.
There's so much proof showing that the homeless dude was clearly more sane and more deserving of my sympathy than the AIG douche bag. No matter what stigma is represented by crazed homeless dudes. Then again, there's those who are simply batshit insane like this Defendant who Smeared Feces on His Lawyer's Face and then Throws It at Jurors

Remind me make an excuse to not do jury duty next time I'm summoned.

Unfortunate iPod Engravings

Unfortunate iPod Engravings

I saw this ad today on my homepage

It struck me as kind of insulting to the person that is receiving it. But then it made perfect sense. You see, once you engrave an electronic device you can't return it, as reported by the consumerist.
Ever wonder why some places will engrave your electronics for free? It's so you can't return them. Really. That's the reason. Returns of perfectly good, non-defective merchandise account for 95% of returns and "free engraving" is a cheap, easy way to ensure that that item won't be coming back.

Back in May of this year, Sony told the WSJ that free engraving had recently saved them a million dollars.

So what, you ask? Well, if you're buying the iPod or the laptop or whatever as a gift — you might want to skip the engraving unless you're totally 100% sure that the person wants it. As in, they said to you, "Aunt Awesome and Uncle Kickass, please get me a new iPod with my name on it, pretty please???" Otherwise, you might just be causing problems for your loved one (or their parents) if they try to return or exchange the gift.

If you are currently stuck with a beautifully engraved iPod you don't want, we've heard rumors that you can try to exchange it for a more expensive one. Here's some advice from someone who claims to have done it.

Bottom line: Engraving is a cool thing for people who know they won't have buyer's remorse — but risky for a gift. Beware.

This got me to thinking that you're giving someone a gift, you better expect them NOT to return it or re-gift it without any sort of funky explanation as to why they got it engraved that way for the next guy. So since I got my mind going, I thought up some engravings that I'd like to see to ensure you can't return the gift!

"RIAA: 0
ME: 1"

"RIAA vs. [insert name]

"For external use only"

"Screen's on the other side, dipshit."

"Property of __________ unless you stole this, then it's yours!"

"Merry Christmas.. ps you were adopted"

"Enjoy it while you can/it'll be outdated in a year"


"If you lose this one you're dead"

" 8=========D "

"8===========D~~~~~~( . Y . ) "

"iRiver is not a company, you've never heard of it, iRiver doesn't exist."


If you have a Marine to give it to than:
"There are many like it, but this one is mine."

"Warning: Do not put in eyes"

"had no idea you could engrave your iPod"


"If you don't put out after
I bought this, we are done"

For those who travel a lot:
"Not a bomb. Seriously. Would I lie?"

"This is not a coke mirror. Wait, yes it is you hipster fuck."

"If you bought this on craigslist it was stolen *insert phone number* "

"From Dad: Don't see me"

"From Mom: Call me, I worry"

"Music in this iPod are cooler than they appear"

"Do not use to sing in the shower"

"If it's too loud, you're too old to have an iPod"

If you're getting one for your husband you can always put your wedding date. Just so they don't forget.

Hopefully with those helpful suggestions you can get the best possible engraving for the iPod you're about to give as a gift.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It Is Probably Best To Not Fuck Racoons

It Is Probably Best To Not Fuck Racoons

That's advice to live by as we learn from the fine folks over in the UK in this report by the Sun
Toothy raccoon bit off manhood
A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

I can't quite work out why the word 'PENIS' is capitalized in the first line of the story, but I wish it was a standard part of journalism all the same. Moving to the meat and potatoes of the story. That was a real dick move on his part and the raccoon's.

I thought I was stupid for approaching and petting a group of three or four day old racoons last summer when I was drunk, but I guess not. Nothing happened to me at all, but then I wasn't trying to fuck them.

If you try to fuck a raccoon, you pretty much deserve anything that animal is going to do to you. Why didn't he just fuck a goat? The youth of today! The worst part will likely be the rabies shots. And the not having a dick thing too..

It takes a special person to get drunk, see a furry animal with heaps of teeth and think to himself, "Wow that animal looks pretty damn fine, I might fuck it!". I wonder if I actually know someone who has these thoughts. People think beer is the go-to guy for promiscuity. Vodka actually puts forth the extra 'oomph' needed to break the species barrier.

Please. That slutty little raccoon, out late at night. She was begging for it. Just because she changed her mind was no reason to hurt him. Stupid bitch is probably gonna cry rape or something. At least he didn't actually fuck the bitch. She probably would have stolen his sperm and had a kid with it, trapping him with child support. Can't trust those vapid cunts.

This story is funny and all, but it's from The Sun? They're a terrible news source. God dammit my hate for that paper can't be expressed enough. Look at the way they write the story out? Here's a few select quotes.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

This is the best part. Maybe since he's already proven himself such a figurative cunt, the surgeons can go all the way and finish the job the raccoon started and he can fulfill his natural destiny as a twat.

"Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood."
But the real question is should they?

Searching the net for new tail...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

When I kill Myself And Others Please Make Sure My PS3 Is Taken Care Of

When I kill Myself And Others Please Make Sure My PS3 Is Taken Care Of

Well this was an interesting story that I couldn't let slip through the cracks...

PORTLAND, Ore. - Police said suspected gunman Erik Salvador Ayala was reportedly depressed and unemployed when he left a note for his roommate that insinuated suicide, drove to downtown Portland and opened fire on a random crowd Saturday night, killing two people and injuring seven before turning the gun on himself.

Police released those new details Monday afternoon during a news conference on the shooting spree investigation. But they still don't know why the nine people were gunned down in what police said was a random shooting that lasted but a few seconds. They also don't know how Ayala obtained a 9mm semi-automatic handgun used in the shooting spree.

Meanwhile, Ayala remained in critical condition Monday at Legacy Emanuel Hospital. Police said he shot himself in the head following Saturday night's shooting rampage outside the underage nightclub called The Zone on Southwest 2nd Avenue.

Eight of the nine victims were teenagers, many of them foreign exchange students. Investigators don't believe they were targeted but simply just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Following the shooting, investigators executed a search warrant at Ayala's Milwaukie home on Sunday afternoon and found a case for the 9mm handgun as well as ammunition, numerous video games and a note Ayala had left for his roommate.

In the note, Ayala said he was giving all his possessions to his roommate, Mike Delisle, including his video game system and car, which Ayala wrote could be found "somewhere downtown, but I'm not sure where. I'm sure you'll get a letter about it soon."

Police said the note "insinuated possible thoughts of suicide."

Investigators believe Ayala drove his vehicle to the area of Southwest 4th Avenue and Southwest Main Street before walking to the nightclub and opening fire about 10:30 p.m. Police found the car and cordoned it off after the shooting.

Delisle told KATU he found the note hours after Ayala had left it. Delisle said he initially went looking for Ayala but then stayed home, hoping his roommate would return.

Delisle, a college student, then went to work. Sometime later, police found him there and told him what happened.

"I was sick to my stomach and shaking," Delisle said. "I wasn't even aware that he had a gun - or let alone that he could even afford it."

Delisle said his roommate was unemployed and seemed depressed but otherwise had not shown any signs of violence.

"Everyone that knows him is really shocked," Delisle said.

Much of Ayala's recent life is a mystery. He attended McNary High School, where he was in the band, and he worked for a temp agency. Delisle said his roommate liked to play video games and was quiet and "kind of a loner."

Anyone who had contact with Ayala in the days before the shooting or anyone with additional information was asked to call Portland Police Detective Ken Whattam (503) 823-0696 or Detective Mark Slater (503) 823-9319. Anyone with information concerning when and where Ayala obtained the handgun used in the shooting should also call the above detectives.

The following is the contents of the note police said they recovered in the suspect's home:

To my friends and family:
I am sorry.

And to my friend, (redacted)

I am especially sorry. I know it's not much consolation but as my friend and roommate you are entitled to everything that I own. Maybe these things can bring in a few bucks.

Good luck in this (expletive) world.


If you need my personal information for any reason, here it is:

My ssn: (redacted)
My bank account number: (redacted)
My alien number: (redacted)
My ODL: 974739
My birthdate: 03-10-84

The check I wrote you should be most of the money in my account. I gave you an affidavit in case you want to check what's left but it's probably less than $20.

Qwest account login: (redacted)


My car is up to date with maintenance. It just leaks a little oil. You can probably get at least 2.5 grand for it. It'll be somewhere downtown but I'm not sure where. I'm sure you'll get a letter about it soon.

You know my ps3 is special. Similar USED ps3's go for AT LEAST $450-$500. Our landlord guy wants a ps3 like mine. Let him know that $400 would be a GOOD deal. If he doesn't want it, format the drive by going to Settings>System>Format Utility. You can say it "comes with the latest firmware software" to help market it on the internet. In case you don't know, it's the special "100% backwards compatible" (60 GB) ps3.

I'm sorry to put all this on you buddy, good luck.
The story is out of the way now and I'm left confused. I'm fascinated how someone can do something so heinous but be in the sort of frame of mind to make sure his room mate is taken care of and his beloved "special" PS3 fetches the most money and that someone takes care of his phone bill.

I mean, it seems reasonable to me, killzone 2 is coming out soon and there's always Little Big Planet and Street Fighter IV to be concerned about. So why go on a killing spree? You could just write this off as a guy just dissatisfied with life, but it completely doesn't make sense that he decided to shoot up a few people as well as himself. Really, it's confusing, and doesn't fit the tone of the letter or anything.

I think we are going to see more of this unfortunately as time goes on, with the way things are today, things only look worse for PS3 owners. Those of you wondering what drove this guy to shoot strangers though?

I'm guessing he drove himself. The car is parked somewhere and there's sure to be a letter about it. I'm curious if his roommate would have preferred a 360, but ya know, whatever.

Zoom / Echance

Zoom / Enchance

CSI has taught us many things. You discover a lot with the simple power of zoom and enhance. Often you find the true murderer or the hidden piece of clue needed to solve the case before making a silly one liner. In this case, It's just good, clean, honest political fun...

Another piece of interest is this zoom / enhance:

See that, Dick Cheney had Google maps blur out his place. Joe Biden on the other hand.. He's a cool mother fucker!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Wishing You A Happy New Year

Wishing You A Happy New Year

So it's January 26 and I just was told Happy New Year. I'm wondering if there's a statue of limitations on when you can say that. It's almost been a month since we kissed the old year goodbye and welcomed 2009.

Sure, I haven't seen this person since the old year. Even made the stupid joke of "Haven't seen you in a year, buddy!" That one never gets old. But it brings into question how long should it be till you can't say Happy New Year to someone?

That's the tricky question. One would think that four weeks into the new year you're already long past the hangover from New Years party. You no longer write 2008 on your checks by accident and you've accepted that we are in the future... or the present. Depends on how you look at it.

The tricky aspect is that if you're Chinese, New Years hasn't even come yet. Being near Monterey Park, I think I have a little bit of that in me. So I can get away with saying Happy New Year up till the middle of February. But do I want to? All the Chinese new year brings is a new animal representation. It's not even numbered dates!

Well, I guess after surviving the weekends altercation I should be thankful to be able to hear someone tell me Happy New Year. But then again I'm a bitter, bitter, sad little man.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

To Live And Die In (The City of) L.A.

To Live And Die In (The City of) L.A.

L.A is a strange place. It has a lot of wide variety of places. Some high brow, some not so much and a bit south. Me, I'm in East L.A. I wasn't actually born there. I was spewed into this world on Sunset across the Scientology building. I suppose that explains why I'm such a strange person.

I did grow up in East L.A. though and somehow managed to come out of it alive and relatively upstanding. So it can't be all that bad. Well, I guess it can. But it's what you make of it. I don't think something is entirely the product of their environment. Besides, what if instead of an incorporated part of Los Angeles, East L.A. was actually an actual city?

The L.A. Times usually doesn't report much good, but they are Reporting that East L.A. wants to become a city.
East Los Angeles is proudly known as the community that sparked a Mexican American civil rights movement, gave birth to Los Lobos and jump-started low-rider car culture.

But for all its notoriety and close-knit feel, East L.A. has never been a city. Rather, it's an unincorporated area governed by the county Board of Supervisors.

But on Friday, the community took a major step toward gaining independence. County officials announced that backers had gathered enough signatures for the cityhood process to formally begin.

Boosters hope residents will cast ballots on the question in 2010. First, a major study has to confirm what a much smaller, earlier study asserted: that the neighborhood of 140,000 can sustain itself economically as what would be L.A. County's 10th-largest city.

On Friday, supporters who were gathered along Whittier Boulevard said they were confident of victory, even as they prepared to go door to door to raise $100,000 to pay for the study.

"We the people of East L.A. have not only stood up, but we have delivered," said state Sen. Gloria Romero (D-Los Angeles), referring to the movie "Stand and Deliver," which was set at East L.A.'s Garfield High School. "What a vibrant community, what a vibrant city East L.A. can be."

Calling the neighborhood an internationally known "icon" of Latino culture, Romero said that with the Gold Line rail extension coming soon, the time is now for East L.A. to become a city and control its own destiny.
Now you're probably confused by all this. Don't worry, L.A. is full of strange Cities and Non-cities. Growing up here you'd still be hard pressed to know what exactly is a city and what isn't.
Santa Monica - City
Studio City - Not a city
Burbank - City
Panorama city - NOT a city
City of Industry - City
East Pasadena - Not a city
Pasadena - City
Culver City - City
Silver Lake - City

So you see, it's very strange what exactly is considered a City and what isn't.

The History of Los Angeles is pretty interesting. This was once a Jewish community. In fact, you can still find the remains of the Jewish culture all around between taco trucks and other ethnic areas. Unlike Israel, it seems that the Jews don't want East L.A. back.

How do I feel about this? Well, I would be up for it only if East Los can actually support itself. We don't have any sort of major shopping area that isn't some Mexican mercado. I'm not sure how well tourism will be other than to visit the Cheech and Chong historic museum or come for a day of the dead celebration. As long as the Police force stays as good as they are, I'll be happy. Why am I all of a sudden interested in the health of the police state? Well, that's a long story that caused my Saturday night to feel like I was a character out of Gran Torino.

Don't get me a big button phone. ggggrrrrrr

You see, my Saturday night was going pretty well. Getting some downtime and just relaxing, it was a nice change from the long work hours. Some time to write and hell, I wrote a lot of pieces which will be up during the coming weeks. The last thing I expected I would be doing was getting into an altercation with some taggers.

My place.... has been a constant state of fixing, It's a fixer-upper and has been that way for some time, but that's a blog for another time. There's already a lot of ground to cover in this story alone so I'll save the construction and constant improvement on it for another blog when I can bore you to tears.

Around 1:40 I heard a thump on my window. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. I walk out to the living room and I see a backwards S go up through the window. I turn on the lights and bang on the door to scare them away. I have enough common sense to not jump out there and get into it, right? After that they seem to go away and I go out there with my windex, past experience has taught me that if you get it on the graffiti quick enough, it comes off with ease. The cops were called by this point so they can come and do their rounds around the neighborhood.

I open the door and sure enough, taggers are just slightly down the street tagging the curb. Fuckin' kids these days. I felt like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.
I'm no hero. I was just trying to get that babbling spics off my lawn!
They see me and yell "Get back inside, you pussy!" Which I suppose in hindsight wasn't the best time to yell about them tagging on my window. But even more so that once they responded with "I got a gun, nigga! You want to die?" I'm not sure in calling his bluff because really, if you have a gun, you let the gun do the talking and actually pull it out without ever having to mention having one. So my "You're going to shoot someone over graffiti? Fucking morons." wasn't the best course of action but I was pissed off.

Worthless fucks!

Well, the two morons were odd and even. The more sensible one was trying to get the douche bag to get going. Like any tagger would when they see someone looking. You run. How hard is that? Well, douche bag starts running towards me, I back up and get into the apartment again and close the door. Douche bag starts banging on the door calling me a pussy. I hear the sensible one talk the douche bag to walk away and I hear them walk some. I open the door to check to see how far they are and sure enough, they aren't that far away. Douche bag comes running at me but this time I can't close the door in time. He's literally pushing his way inside, drops his spray can, I kick it inside.. why? I have no idea and I grab the Darth maul lightsaber that has been sitting next to the door waiting to be tossed out for a while now and start beating him with this this toy.
"Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have mess with? That's me."
Yes. You heard that right. I was beating him up with a lightsaber. He lets go of the door and I slam it close and lock it. I think this is the end of it and it seems like the sensible one is actually getting him to walk away. No dice. I hear constant "Where's my spray can!", "Where the fuck is my spray can?" answered by "I'll buy you a new one, dawg." Douche bag comes back and bashes on the door more. This time kicking in the glass panel on the door. Thankfully the doors backing was boarded up from a while back as I need a new door. He kicks the door constantly to the point that the bottom locking was jolted.

Seriously scary shit.

Slams on the door more and then bashes on the window kicking through it. By this point they've done too much damage and start walking away. I still maintain hope that the cops show up in time to see all this and I jump out when their a "safe" distance away. Keeping them in yelling distance. Douche bag acts like he's coming back for more and I pick up a shard of the broken glass and he stops in his tracks and they start walking away leaving me with such lovely parting words.
The thing that haunts a guy is the stuff he wasn't ordered to do
All through this I felt like Walt Kowalski. And if you don't know who he is, you must be an Oscar voter since you fucks snubbed Gran Torino badly. Cops eventually show up a couple of minutes later, take down my report and then they ask me if I can identify them. Sure enough, they had two squad cars converge on the area and find them. I jump into the back of the car and they take me to an impromptu line up and I remember them since they were double bladed lightsaber distance away from me.

Shattered nights.

I'm given the DA slip for whatever case they are going to pursue on them. A couple of felony charges and hopefully they're going to be spending a good time in the can. I spent the morning putting up boards to cover up the damage and start the whole process of fixing the place up. In hindsight, this whole situation could have gone far worse. Seriously though.. What the fuck was I thinking being out there?
Time and time again, we hear about well-intentioned people being murdered when they speak up against someone doing graffiti. Case in point, it happened again this week in Hollywood.

"Based on preliminary information, detectives believe that Perez saw gang members vandalizing property with graffiti," the LAPD said in a statement. "Perez decided to confront the gang members about the graffiti. In an apparent response to the comments about the graffiti, one gang member pulled out a gun and fired into the car killing Perez and injuring his passenger."

We hear this from police at community meetings all the time. If you see someone tagging, don't hesitate, it's a 911 call.

Perhaps opening the door to peak out only to follow it up with smacking him with a toy lightsaber... maybe not my finest moment. But who among us can say they ever did that with a lightsaber toy?
Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age
Later the officer told me that if they rolled up when that was going down they would have beaten the shit out of the guy. The humanitarian in me wants to think that it would have been wrong of them. The victim in me would have been all for it.

Eat your heart out, Starwars kid!

I just remembered that there is bug spray near the door that I got at CVS for free after some sale. I really wish I thought of that shit before. Seriously. Nothing like a blind tagger walking the streets at night.

It's rather interesting though. The amount of choices I made in a quick matter of time at night. I really needed a stiff drink when it was all said and done and I really needed to calm my nerves. Hell, since I already marked out as a geek, I might as well go the full tilt. After last night I think I earned a couple of Green Lantern rings.

Red - Rage
Green - Willpower
Yellow - Fear

"I'm used to going out at 3AM and doing something stupid."


Saturday, January 24, 2009

Watchmen: The Rorschach Test

Watchmen: The Rorschach Test

You may remember when I talked about who releases the watchmen, Well, Fox and WB have worked out their difference. In that Fox is now getting a wheel barrel full of cash and WB gets to release Watchmen like nothing ever happened on March 6.

But before that we're getting a slew of marketing cash grabs. The motion comic book comes to DVD and Blue-ray and it's packed with goodies.

What's a motion comic? Well, it's sort of like the Invincible shorts MTV did. It hearkens back to old Marvel cartoons, but I really really dislike it. I don't understand why other people do. The voice actor is also terrible when it comes to the voice of women. How hard would it have been to hire a woman for that role of.. you know.. a woman? I'd rather read the actual comic myself, I like audiobooks for the "hands/eyes free" convenience, this thing doesn't offer that. Plus I can imagine being twitchy about the reading speed aspect too.

Then we come across the other piece of info on the music for the film.
Music From The Motion Picture Watchmen, the film's official soundtrack, includes My Chemical Romance's powerful reinterpretation of Bob Dylan's "Desolation Row," recorded exclusively for the film. The soundtrack also features a collection of classic songs by such artists as Nat King Cole, Simon & Garfunkel, and Janis Joplin, which, once heard in the context of the film, will never be thought of the same way again.
Um... interesting selection, I must say. With The Watchmen coming out in a little over a month, it's nice to see the advertisement dollars roll in. For starters they have a twitter profile going for the The New Frontiersman, a center piece in the comic. Which is offering nice updates daily on other material that is key to the comic and film. Then they went the full mile with this mock up Night News report set in the 70's about Dr. Manhattan, a certain key character of the film.

So the only thing to question now is Who Watches The Watchmen film?

Though I have to admit, it's going to pain me to see the vast amount of Rorschach Halloween costumes this year. Much like how you hot topic kids pissed on my love for Nightmare Before Christmas in the early 2000's, I'm sure this year's Halloween costume will be of Rorschach just like every person and their grandma was dressed as Health Ledger's Joker. The grandmas were able to pull it off. Those fat nerds on the other hand... not so much. And as old and cranky as I sound, there's far worse out there on the internet. A slew of geeks on the internet with every possible combination of Watchmen and whatever possible start popping up.

"Ten minutes from now, she's pulling the football away just as I attempt to kick it. I am already lying on the ground, twelve seconds into the future. I will be grief-stricken."

See that right there? A combination of the Peanuts and The Watchmen. It's the true spirit of the internet. Demented nerds coming together and dreaming about combining things. The best part was in the late 90s when people thought that would be worth money somehow. Stupid fools.

But then again, there's those who will complain about anything. For example, in this case we have the morons in the world complaining about the Video game. Heaven forbid they make a game based off a comic book. Face it folks, if they can make a game about Fight Club, a film that talks about the problems with mass marketing and consumerism, they can make a film about a comic book that points out the blurry line between what is consider the good guy and the bad guy.

In this case, the The Watchmen Video Game is getting shit because fans are wondering how you would make a game based off the comic book with very little real action. That and how it fits into the story line.
Watchmen: The End is Nigh is a video game tie-in for the movie version of the Watchman graphic novel. No, don't leave yet! Keep reading.

The beat-'em-up-meets-puzzle-game will be released in an episodic format to coincide with the upcoming film. While Watchman writer Alan Moore is off being bonkers and not involved with the game, Watchmen artist Dave Gibbons is acting as advisor. That's a good sign!

Another good sign? The game is being written by the book's editor Len Wein, and what's more, it's completely in the Watchmen cannon.
Dave Gibbons says the Watchmen beat-em-up that has you playing as Nite Owl and Rorshach is canon and based off of some RPG that was written at the time of the original comic release. Which works out. It sets you in a time when Rorschach wasn't totally batshit and worked with Nite Owl to take down the mob which was alluded to in the book a few times.

No matter how much explaining or reasoning there is behind this, it wont let those crazy nerds complain about what is canon and what isn't? For those of you who aren't nerds, Canon doesn't refer to a gun, it refers to the time line or history of the franchise. But with comments like:

"BUT THE ARTIST DIDN'T WRITE IT. Jesus. This isn't Japan. He has no say in this."

It really makes you wonder how the internet hasn't imploded in on its own self importance. Then we have this nugget:
"Alan Moore isn't bonkers. He's more sane than whoever thought up this stupid game."
Oh snap! No he-didn't! Yeah, I'm sure a game developer who likes money has less sanity than some hairy bearded dude in a shack that shuns the world.. Yeah, given the fact that his books have been crapped on, this one may actually be good.

Let's not forget that most of these people are guessing that Owlman must clearly be a take on Batman instead of realizing that he's actually a take on the Blue Beetle. And in saying that I pretty much assured that I'm a huge nerd.

It clear that the internet is a silly silly place. Forget who watches the watchmen, who the hell keeps tabs on all these crazy ass fucks? I want to know who watches them and why they aren't being taken to a detention camp.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Just A Note

Just A Note

On his first day of being a President Obama laid it out there. He wants transparency in the white house. He said Fuck lobbyists, fuck pay rises and he holla at his muslim buds.
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Promising "a new era of openness in our country," President Obama signed executive orders Wednesday relating to ethics guidelines for staff members of his administration.

"Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency," Obama said.

Earlier in the day, Obama said he would issue a pay freeze for his senior staff members.....

.......During the campaign, Obama pledged that "no political appointees in an Obama-Biden administration will be permitted to work on regulations or contracts directly and substantially related to their prior employer for two years. And no political appointees will be able to lobby the executive branch after leaving government service during the remainder of the administration," according to

....Obama called Middle East leaders, including King Abdullah of Jordan, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Gibbs said.

And that's all fine and dandy, but that's not how he started the day. You see, Obama began his first full day in office with a moment of solitude in the Oval Office, reading a note from his predecessor, before making phone calls to Middle East leaders.

I think I speak for everyone when I say I really want to read that note from #43 to #44. If Obama gave a shit about transparency he'd let us read that note. Come on Obama, I thought it was going to be a new administration? What did the note from Bush say?

I Guess we can only guess as to what was written on that piece of paper. Being that I have a very active imagination, I suppose I could pretend that I know the answer. In fact, I do. But since I sign a lot of Non Disclosure Agreements, I can't technically say. Let's just say that MAYBE one of the following comments is in the message to Obama from Bush.

Revealed secret locations of whiskey bottles through out the building.

A Thinly veiled suicide note with "legacy" misspelled three or more times.

"Don't steal anything."

The following message:

Do you like me? Please check one:

Now how do you write this message down on a piece of paper?

"Enjoy your new keyboards. sorry about the o keys, somebody had to do it"

"I took a shit somewhere in this office. good luck finding it."

"there's one switch in the oval office that doesn't seem to do anything. Don't get obsessed about it like I did"

"sry just tryin out my new pen love, bush"

The description of the relationship between the executive branch and Majestic-12.
Obama is now under Illuminati control. That's change my tin foil hat can believe in!


I wouldn't have expected anything less...

"Get high get drunk get krunk get fucked world ends oh twelve you don't give a damn we don't give a fuck just do it in the club"

"Lincoln's bible had a microscopic needle on it that implanted a small chip into your hand. do what they say or it'll release cyanide into your blood. this note sat on the desk all night so i'm probably dead by now. i'm so sorry."

"I tried looking for Lincoln's gold. Much like my oil days, I couldn't find anything of value."

"My good friend Bin Laden is in Witness protection in Ohio.
We have alien technology from Area 51."

The note describes, in detail, the Stargate program

Why don't you put the WHOLE WORLD into a BOTTLE, Obama?"

A piece of paper that has this written down the side


The word "Nuclear" written over and over again 100 times ending with "Learn it, Love it, say it right or they'll eat you alive."

The note was written by bush. that means there's a 99% chance it contains the word "awesome"

"Hee hee. I broke it, you bought it! No tag backs!"

To do list: Sleep for the next week, Cook up some BBQBYOB, and find some Texas Tail!

This Radiohead video taught us that we shouldn't ask what Bush was thinking..

why does anyone want to read a self pitying note left by bush? you know it can be summed up as 'shucks, its hard up here at the top. just wait till they turn on you!

No matter what it actually does say, I do like to imagine that it's something like this old Khrushchev note written before he was forced out of power by the Soviet Politburo. You see. He sat down and wrote 2 letters for his successor and when he showed up he tells him:
"I have written 2 letters & locked them in the safe. If there should ever come a time when you're in a crises, and your enemies are calling for your head, and you can't see any way out, then open the first letter and it will save you. And if after that, you should again be in a crises, and your back is against the wall and you're facing ruin, open the second letter."
And then he leaves. Time passes, and his successor does find himself in a crises, and he can't see any way out, so he opens the first letter. And Khrushchev has written,
"Blame everything on me."
So he does, and it works, and he survives. Later on, another crises arises, and again all seems lost, so he opens the second letter. And Khrushchev has written.
"Now, sit down at your desk and write 2 letters."
Goodbye Bush. We wont miss you