Saturday, February 28, 2009

What's Your Sign?

What's Your Sign?


I recently wrote about the Zombie sign hacking and a thought occurred to me... Perhaps you may want to do some of those before they get wise to the act. But years of television has left your creative side an empty husk of what it should be.. Fear not! Let me help you out in thinking of some witty sign ideas so you can input into the machines to fool those road rage induced folks.

The simple guide
......... mean it's just a page break
____ time for a new sign


DRIVERS
BEWARE
...
CONTAINMENT
ZONE BREACH

_________


BREAKING NEWS
......
PRESIDENT SHOT
......
STAY CALM

_________


PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS 8AM - 5PM

_________


NUCLEAR ATTACK ON NEW YORK
...
CITY COMPLETELY DESTROYED
...
MARTIAL LAW HAS BEEN DECLARED
...
RETURN TO YOUR HOMES IMMEDIATELY
...
ALL THOSE BREAKING 9 PM CURFEW
...
WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT

_________


Your Spouse Is Cheating On You


_________


SKYNET
ONLINE

_________


HEY JIM. JIM.
...........
JIM!!!
.........
NO, NOT YOU, THE OTHER JIM
........
YOU FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE OVEN

_________

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY
....
MAKE HOMER SOMETHING SOMETHING

_________


YOU ARE NOW ENTERING
............
THE TWILIGHT ZONE

_________


TIME TRAVELER SPEED LIMIT 88 MPH

_________



NEXT EXIT 52 MILES

_________


YOU IN THE TOYOTA
..............
WHY DO YOU HATE USA?

_________


ROAD BEHIND CLOSED

_________


ZIP UP!
IT'S THE LAW!

_________


WARNING
BLOODY CONDITIONS AHEAD
USE CAUTION

_________


GOD IS DEAD
JUST THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD KNOW

_________


WATCH OUT FOR
TRANSFORMING CARS

_________


STOP
...
HAMMERTIME

_________


NEVER GONNA
GIVE YOU
UP
.......
NEVER GONNA
LET YOU
DOWN

_________


SEND HELP!
........
STUCK IN HIGHWAY
.......
SIGN FACTORY

_________



SPEED LIMIT
......
100 MPH
......
GO GO GO!

_________


HIGHWAY TO
DANGER
ZONE

_________


AVOID ALL CEMETARIES
THE DEAD HAVE RISEN
THEY'RE BANGING ON THE DOOR

_________


404 ROAD NOT FOUND

_________


FLASHY
HIGHWAY
SIGNS
........
YES THIS
IS WHAT
WE DO WITH
.........
YOUR TAX
MONEY
HA HA HA
_________


THEY LIVE

_________


HONK IF YOU
LOVE KITTENS
...
AND PUPPIES TOO
I GUESS

_________


PLEASE WELCOME
OUR NEW
...
ARACHNID
OVERLORDS

_________


FIRE MISSION RECEIVED
MORTAR STRIKE INBOUND

_________


DON'T
PANIC

_________


THIS IS NOT
MY BEAUTIFUL
WIFE
......
THIS IS NOT
MY BEAUTIFUL
HOUSE
.......
HOW DID
I GET
HERE?

_________


WINDOWS
A FATAL EXCEPTION
HAS OCCURRED
AT EXIT 12

_________


FREE GAS
3-4PM
SHELL STATION
EXIT 8

_________


CYLON ATTACK ON
HOMEWORLDS IS
UNDERWAY

_________


LOOK OUT BEHIND
YOU IN THE REAR
SEATS HE HAS
AN AXE

_________


THE NEXT
SENTENCE
IS TRUE
..........
THE PREVIOUS
SENTENCE
IS FALSE

_________


Easy way to root out robots.

_________


NO YOU DON'T
SUFFER FROM
..........
DELUSIONS OF
REFERENCE
.........
THIS SIGN
REALLY IS
........
TALKING TO
YOU.

_________


IF YOU NOTICE
THESE NOTICES
..........
YOU WILL NOTICE
THAT THESE NOTICES
.........
WERE NOT WORTH
NOTICING

_________


OH GOD, HOW
DID THIS GET
HERE?
........
I AM NOT
GOOD
WITH SIGNS

_________


PREPARE TO ENTER
THE SCARY DOOR

_________


THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU GORDON
.............
IN THE TEST CHAMBER

_________


HOW DO I GET OUT OF
........
THIS CHICKEN SHIT OUTFIT???

_________


ALL DRIVERS MUST NUKE THE SITE FROM ORBIT
...........
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SURE

_________


COMBINE CHECKPOINT 2 KM
............
HAVE ID READY

_________


TO HACK SIGN
USE PASSWORD
"DOTS"

_________


EVERY DEAD
BODY NOT
EXTERMINATED
..........
GETS UP
AND KILLS
..........
THE PEOPLE
IT KILLS
..........
GET UP
AND KILL

_________


FOR A
GOOD TIME
...........
CALL
.........
[number of state hw patrol]

_________


FINAL LAP
............
TIME EXTENSION!!!

_________

ATTN:
BUSES
.......
KEEPOVER
50 MPH
........
*AT*
*ALL*
*COST*

_________


INCIDENT
AT BLACK
MESA
...........
FACILITY
REPORTED
BEWARE
..........
HEAD
CRABS
NXT 5Mi

_________


Beware of the blue shells

_________


TO HACK
ROAD SIGN
...
UP UP
DOWN DOWN
LEFT RIGHT
.....
LEFT RIGHT
B A
START

_________


WORKER BEES
CAN LEAVE
......
EVEN DRONES CAN
FLY AWAY
......
THE QUEEN IS
THEIR SLAVE

_________


Well, hopefully that helped you in coming up with some witty signs to hack into the road construction. Then again, I must warn you. It's highly illegal and can cause major back ups on the road. So go ahead and do it anyway. You know you want to!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Sweet Coraline

Sweet Coraline


Ohhh, sweet Caroline, good times never seem so good

I should set the record straight, I've liked Nightmare Before Christmas long before it was cool to like it. Not trying to sound like... ok, no - I am trying to sound like an elitist. back when it was released it wasn't released under the Disney banner. It was too "adult themed" for kids in Disney's taste. The same company that allows their duck to walk around without pants was a bit uppity so they released it under the Touchstone company logo. This also happened with Who Framed Roger Rabbit because it had a curvy redhead in it.

For years after the release you would see no mention of NBC from Disney. They didn't acknowledge it. It wasn't as bad as Song of the South, but it was still pretty much something they didn't want to claim. Like the retarded cousin you don't claim during the family outing. You wouldn't see any sort of merchandise for it. Over in Japan though, Jun planning had the licensing for the movie and marketed the shit out of it. I would have to import all my nightmare before Christmas crap from Japan.


The sort of shit you wont normally find at Hot Topic

Around 2000-2001, Disney got on the ball and started mass marketing anything they could with Jack Skellington's face on it. Hot Topics around the states were filled with crap of it. It would have been a good thing if it wasn't all shit and didn't saturate the market so that every kid, not even old enough to remember the release was wearing the pumpkin king's skull on their chest. It looked tacky.

So consider my surprise when I heard that Henry Selick was going to adapt a Neil Gaiman book to film. While I love Neil Gaiman and his leather Jacket wearing coolness in his finely crafted words and stories, color me not surprised when this book becomes the next big merchandising machine for the Hot Topic crowd. You might as well get Jhonnen Vasquez working with Tim Burton to bring about something that will get everyone eating up anything and everything they'd toss money at for.


Stop Motion is a lot of work

I was still excited to see the movie. Don't get me wrong, I loved the book and the idea of one of my favorite stop motion animators working on it was great all around. So what could I complain about? If I stopped liking anything that was embraced by the emo/goth/whatever is considered the "outside" of the time, I wouldn't have anything to like.

Here's a little video of the hard work put into this

Pretty impressive... and just flat out pretty all around.

Stop motion in general peaked my interest when I was very young. I did a couple of pieces with an old 8mm camera. I'm sure they're buried somewhere. So I understand the hard work it takes to get something like this to actually look not only good, but to run smoothly.


Big sets for little pieces

While I normally scoff at 3D gimmicks, I had heard that this one didn't pander with cheap 3D gimmicks like throwing things at the 4th wall for the sake of getting a cheap 3D popup scare. It's subtle. If anything, you're just seeing the difference in the depht of field between characters and objects. Some things pop out more than others and the only really obnoxious 3D 4th wall break effect seemed to be a flying triangle and a couple of vampire dogs going your way. I'd say it's well worth the extra amount they charge for a 3D viewing.

If you're still interested in seeing it in 3D, Arclight is still showing Coraline in 3D while other theaters moved on to the Jonas Brothers shit film. So don't believe the hype of those ads about it being your last weekend to watch it. I suppose it's only true if you live in some bumfuck backwoods town. In which case, you might as well move to somewhere better.


Why hey, it's a book.

Back to the film, while it did deviate a good amount from the book, I did realize that the changes made to the movie work in the context of the movie format. You can't have Coraline talking to a cat. You need to add another kid her age for exposition. Good job on that. So while the book was short and sweet, the movie was also well crafted and just as fun.

The film sort of reminded me of Jan Svankmajer's work. Particularly his ALICE film. Except far less creepy. What with the sawdust coming out of the creatures. It was practically taken straight out of ALICE for that matter. Again, that movie was really creepy. Really really creepy.


A girl with many faces

Most of all I really did like the character design. Coraline's facial expressions were amazing for being individually created. A single line of speech took many face changes to come across as actual dialogue. Her mouth always seemed to be slight off to the left side of her face. It really did add to the character. I don't care what goth kids are going to grab on to this, Coraline looked adorable.

My issue is how can you have a movie this innovative, this creatively designed and ripe with potential for a video game and yet you only have a video game out for Wii, DS and PS2... PS2? Seriously? Who the fuck even has a PS2 anymore? You can't come up with a PS3 game? You know, take advantage of this new generation of graphics and memory capcaity and create a game that is worthy to the film it is based on?



You have things like jumping mice circuses and this whole garden that's amazingly detailed and you can't bump it up a notch when making a game? It did take three years to make this film, don't you think that's enough time to market and program a game that's to the same caliber?

How about a little big planet style of lay out? Speaking of which.. was that sackboy in the trailers for Tim Burton's 9? But enough about Burton, lets not mix him up in here before everyone confuses this as a work of his as they did when they marketed James and the Giant Peach.



There was no Denny Elfman score. There wasn't the Burton swirllie designs. It was entirely Gaiman's and Henry's designs. So I'm really greatful for that. While I love Tim Burton, I think the Corpse bride had its issues and I'm glad that it didn't crawl into this, as much as others believe that all things attached to NBC are all Burton.

The movie had an amazing score. I loved the music in every aspect. It's unique and odd, but it fit the tone of the movie, and it really fit with Gaiman's usual style as well. They Might Be Giant's wrote The Other Father's song. That's simply awesome in every aspect possible. It doesn't hurt to hear They Might Be Giants on the soundtrack.

There it is... Though just cause I posted it doesn't mean you don't have to see the movie anymore. GO! WATCH IT!

This movie also had a lot of fan service for those who followed it through the making. As Laika Entertainment sent many bloggers little goodies treats in mystery boxes. It was a very interesting to see who was getting what. All of them had a little piece of the film and were hand crafted in very limited number sets. Some got animation doll parts, others got pieces from the set. In total there was 50 or so boxes shipped out and not all of them have been reported on. So who knows what's out there left to be uncovered.



As for the Jerk wad aspect. It's just a code. You have to go to the official site. Go into Coraline's bedroom and click her nightstand drawer. Enter the password and you can be signed up for a drawing to win Coraline Nike shoes. Not much, but it's something. The director also wanted it to be Coraline's nickname for wybie.

Go see it before you don't have a chance to experience this on the big screen.

If You Have An Erection Lasting Longer Than 12 Hours, Please Consult A Mortician

If You Have An Erection Lasting Longer Than 12 Hours, Please Consult A Mortician

This is a cock and bull story if I've ever heard one. Especially given that it's from The Sun. I seriously don't know why I keep reading them.. I guess I do. It's for stories like this.

Viagra orgy man collapses
By VINCE SOODIN

Published: 26 Feb 2009

A SEX-MAD Russian died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra pills to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two women pals.

The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov £3,000 that he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them both non-stop for the half-day sex marathon.

But minutes after winning the wager, the randy 28-year-old dropped dead with a heart attack, revealed Moscow police.

One of the women, named only as Alina, said: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”
Nice effort, but he really blew it at the end. I would hate being a stiff after winning a sex marathon. At least he had a happy ending. His penis must have been sputtering dust and hot air by hour 10. Looks like his heart lost its load at the end there. All that sex must have been hard on him. This is a pretty fucked up story. They should erect a monument for him.

Ok, I'll stop with the terrible puns now... maybe.



I bet his famous last words: "ahhhhh, yeahhh. ugggh". It's funnier if you imagine that the heart attack was due to sheer excitement. Too bad there were no pics of the ladies involved. I am imagining porno-standard eastern Europeans. The reality is probably something less...well, just less.

It doesn't specify how many pills, but the story makes it sound like he took a whole bottle of it in a 12 hour span. It's no wonder he died of a heart attack, 90% of his blood was in his dong. I am not sure how to pronounce his name, but it looks a lot like it might sound a bit like tuggin' off, which makes it even better.



This didn't seem like such a half-cocked plan to begin with but there was clearly some holes in his execution. Taking that many little blue pills was not a smart idea. He would have lost his vision (temporarily) and suffered a massive (maybe complete?) loss of blood pressure as well as severe loss of cerebral cortex function due to the neurotoxicity of nitric oxide before he would of had a heart attack.

If you're wondering if he still has it, he probably still does. I'm wondering if rigor will keep it like that until it rots away, aren't you? Well it wont. Rigor goes away after a while. Also, this is probably the best way to go. Fuck 2 girls to prove them you can fuck for 12 hours non-stop and then just a couple of minutes of gloating, maybe drinking a beer, then you say "told you so" and drop dead. It's the best way to get out having to call the next day. And cuddling? Who'd want to cuddle with a dead body?



I know it's a total guy thing to not care about the other person but let's think about them for a second. Wouldn't the other participants be pretty exhausted, too? That's six hours of fucking each. Who's up for being the test subject in this "Fuck for 12 hours" bet? Whoever it was had this sort of situation cumming to them.

I'd say that now he not only wins, he gets bonus points. The kind of people who would make a 12-hour sex bet are undoubtedly jaded enough that someone dying at a party only makes it more "real."



He's a fucking hero. Well... literally. I'd be satisfied if my death were as manly/awesome. I guess it's not as manly/awesome since he had to take performance enhancing substances. Maybe they should just put a little Astrix to his record.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

It's Just A Ride - Bill Hicks Remembered

It's Just A Ride - Bill Hicks Remembered

Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... Here's Tom with the weather!
Today, February 26th 2009, marks the 15 year anniversary of the passing of a great one. William Melvin Hicks graced this Earth with his presence for far too short a time when he died in 1994 of pancreatic cancer shortly after turning 32. And on this day, I'd like to take a few moments - and I hope you'll come with me - to remember Bill, his work and words, and what he had to teach us.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bill Hicks, know that he was arguably one of the greatest stand up comedians who ever lived, and you'll understand why in a moment. While comedy is certainly subjective and not every style is for everyone, Bill never sold out. He never pussied out and tried to tone down his act to be more acceptable, and he was never satisfied. It wasn't enough to make the audience laugh, he wanted to make them think while he was doing it, and if you listen to what he had to say, he really will stay with you for ever.



He was a born comedian, regularly performing in front of other children at sunday school, camp, and in class. He and a friend began sneaking out of home when they were teenagers to drive down to the local comedy clubs and perform there. The management didn't mind letting them in, as by all accounts Bill was already funnier than every adult performer. As he got older, Bill was one of the hardest working comedians in America, performing more than 300 days a year, sometimes multiple times a day. But fame always eluded him, largely because of his unwillingness to compromise his act, or be a sell out like so many other entertainers (he even turned down sponsorship deals, declaring "You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call forever.")

In June of 1993, Bill was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Despite being on chemotherapy, he went BACK out on the road touring and recording. He knew he didn't have much time left, and decided he wanted to say as much as he could while he still had some time. Working with his best friend, Kevin Booth, Bill began cranking out material and preparing work for Booth to finish after he was gone, released post-humously as Arizona Bay and Rant in E-Minor, alongside his other albums Dangerous and Relentless. Bill performed until he could barely stand, giving his last performance on January 6th 1994 at Caroline's in New York City, where he had to be helped off stage. On February 11th, having moved back in with his parents to be with his loved ones, Bill lost the ability to speak, and his brilliant voice was silenced forever. He passed away February 26th, 1994.



Bill performed on David Letterman 12 times during his career. The 12th and final time came in October of 1993, just a few months before his death. He knew about his cancer, but had told no one outside of family and friends. Bill gave his set, performing brilliantly as he always did, however it was pulled from the show. There was speculation the reason was because it contained some light material on Pro-Life groups. It seems unclear, but Letterman himself may have been responsible for the censorship, and it infuriated Bill who wrote a 39 page letter to The New Yorker on the matter. Let it be known that a few weeks ago, David Letterman officially apologized about this on his show, invited Bill's mother on to speak about him, and finally aired the segment which had been cut 15 years earlier



As for anybody who doesn't find him "funny," it's not even about that. Bill Hicks performances were pure fucking art. To watch a man dig a hole you couldn't spit down without hitting the sides, going off on wild political and philosophical tangents filled with ideas that, in his time, were viewed as dangerous, in bumfuck towns full of illiterate rednecks and thumbless apes, and then jump right back out of it with one well-timed dick joke is pure genius.

Any one particular Bill Hicks joke, quote, or whatever isn't going to make you cry laughing, it's all about the whole. If you find him kind of funny but can't stand his political/philosophical rants, it's not for you.



The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say "Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride." And we... kill those people. Ha ha ha. "Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace. Thank you, and goodnight.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.


So let's take a day to sit back and remember Bill. If you're new to him, please check him out. There's clips on YouTube. If you're an old fan, put on your copy of Arizona Bay, throw in the Live DVD, crack open a copy of Love All the People, take some psilocybin mushrooms and go lay in a field of green grass and say "My God, I love everything."

Art Is Torture

Art Is Torture

The stigma of the tortured artist has been one that has been around for ages. Vincent lobbed off his ear (for a woman, not a piece) and then there's the idea of the starving artist. Though that has more to do with the fact that we're not paid. I used to be an artist. I stopped when I was tired of top ramen for dinner. Yes, it's selling out. I know. Guess what, everyone does eventually.

Chris Johnson shows us a different example of the whole tortured artist. In that he's using torture in his piece. Ah yes, the art of.... war?

Constitution, 2008
8 x 25 feet in five panels
Depicts 83,000 Abu Ghraib prisoner photographs, equal to the number of people who have been arrested and held at US-run detention facilities with no trial or other due process of law, during the Bush Administration's war on terror.
zoomed out:


zoomed in:



Prison Uniforms, 2007
10x23 feet in six vertical panels

Depicts 2.3 million folded prison uniforms, equal to the number of Americans incarcerated in 2005.
zoomed out:


zoomed in:


Installed at the Von Lintel Gallery, NY, June 2007:


artist is Chris Johnson, lots more here

But if you're not one to wander the halls of any art exhibit, perhaps you should. You'll never know what sort of wonders you'll find and what new view on the world around you that will find you if you don't bother looking.

Here's a couple of samples of various art pieces. See if any of them strike anything to your mind.


We make a lot of trash


Deep man


In honor of Sam Jackson signing a 9 picture deal to play Nick Fury


SUCK IT, HIPPIES!


Yup. Pretty much amazing right here.


How Meta

Then again, not all art is perfect. With Ash Wednesday giving us the countdown till Easter we have this piece that is simply saying that there will be No Easter Egg Hunt At the White House This Year



(AP) The mayor of Los Alamitos is coming under fire for an e-mail he sent out that depicts the White House lawn planted with watermelons, under the title "No Easter egg hunt this year."

Local businesswoman and city volunteer Keyanus Price, who is black, said Tuesday she received the e-mail from Mayor Dean Grose's personal account on Sunday and wants a public apology.

"I have had plenty of my share of chicken and watermelon and all those kinds of jokes," Price told The Associated Press. "I honestly don't even understand where he was coming from, sending this to me. As a black person receiving something like this from the city-freakin'-mayor - come on."

The Orange County Register first reported the e-mail on its Web site Tuesday night.

Grose confirmed to the AP that he sent the e-mail to Price and said he didn't mean to offend her. He said he was unaware of the racial stereotype that black people like watermelons.

He said he and Price are friends and serve together on a community youth board.

"Bottom line is, we laugh at things and I didn't see this in the same light that she did," Grose told the AP. "I'm sorry. It wasn't sent to offend her personally - or anyone - from the standpoint of the African-American race."

Grose, who became mayor in December, said he sent an apology e-mail to Price and her boss and also left her a voicemail apology.

Regardless, Price said it will be difficult for the two to work together.

"Now I am like - wow, is this really how he feels?" Price said.

Los Alamitos is a 2¼-square-mile Orange County city of around 12,000 people. The mayor is elected by fellow members of the five-seat City
How long is this excuse supposed to work? Am I going to get apologies from racists in the year 2070 saying "Sorry We didn't know Chicken/Watermelons/Blackface was actually racist!" What possible alternate meaning could the picture have? It's either racist or nonsensical.

So you see that ART is indeed Torture. For those who have to create it to those who have to bullshit some excuse as to why they just offended a lot of people. May you never be an artist. It's a tough cross to carry.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!

Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!



sorry bailouts aren't for big dogs, just fatcats

Hello my non-American friends, Big Dogs are the pinnacle of American screen printing humor. They are like institutions in our society. Angry dog shirts are the failure of humanity condensed into screen printed cotton.

It seemed that everyone had that dog on their shirt in the 5th grade. It's like a blast from the past. You were so edgy. Thankfully I never had one of these. I don't get the appeal really. You typically see these as a psuedo-hardass symbol for suburban dads to wear to feel tough around their kids.



Is it that people feel like they can say things through a dog on a shirt that they can't manage to say in real life? It's not me it's this rascally mutt! Sort of like getting a word tattooed on yourself in Japanese because you'd look like a fag if you had the word "spirit" on your neck in English?

I really shouldn't be surprised that they're keeping up with current events. When I went to one of those outlet shopping centers when I lived in Florida they had a Big Dog store. It was a bit scary but they were always up with the latest film parody. Bark Wars: Attack of the Big Dog, The Barktrix and whatever other film was out at the time.



Even still, the idea that the Big Dog is covering all the economic downturn is a clear sign that we're in a bad position. You know it's the coming of a depression when even Big Dog is heralding it with their shirts.

I think I realize why we're in the mess that we're in right now. Did the Big Dog get a second or third mortgage? What sort of bank would loan money to a dog to begin with? Did he not have a job to keep up with payments. The bank who loaned money to Big Dog not only needs to get no bailout money, but they also need their license pulled at once!


Theres no FRICKIN way I'm gonna be able to make my house payments!

Why is the Big Dog pissed that he hasn't gotten his bailout? Did they go up to congress and ask for one? Come on folks, we need to bailout Big Dog! Without them many fat ass southern people wont have anything witty to wear!



This whole meme (if it's even able to be considered that) was nothing but the initial reaction to a nation getting fatter and fatter. Whereas now it's simply normalized in its pandemic nature, back then it was a shock. So people had to rationalize it as some alternative lifestyle choice and a symbol of their 'attitude' toward life.

The only person I know who wears these shirts is a big-as-a-tank upright Christian dude. He's got no real need or reason to 'feel' tough and he has the personality of a happy puppy. Maybe he wears them ironically? I dunno.


I'm almost certain this shirt's premise is false. A 30 of natty is like 14 bucks and thats like 6-8 gallons of gas so yeah im p sure thats wrong. WAY TO DO YOUR SCIENTIFIC STUDY, BIG DOG INC. Besides, isn't it illegal to give alcohol to animals? I would hope that some animal rights groups were called and warned about this alcohol consuming pup. I'm not even sure I understand what this next one is suppose to mean. Is it about high fuel prices or something?



I have to wonder if they even produce the shirts in sizes under XL. Seeing all these shirts its like I'm walking on the Atlantic city boardwalk. Only without the fear of getting mugged and killed. These shirts are typically all over redneck tourist towns and the scary aspect is that they sell like hot cakes. Even in this down economy people are still showing how much of a Big Dog they are.



Hell yeah! Now I can be a nurse without feeling like a sissy crybaby. Thank you Big Dog industries.

Most of the time these shirts simply point out that the wearer is a deeply unpleasant person. More than likely racist and grew up in the church, so they don't want to do anything that would displease Jesus... but oddly enough have no problems with telling my "spic ass" to "Go back to Mexico!" It just means you have something to warn you ahead of time that they are approaching you. Just remember, IF YOU CAN'T RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS THEN GO BACK TO THE PORCH!

Something Awful poked fun on these a while back. Here's some of my favorites.








If you ever see me wearing a Big Dog shirt just stab me through the head. Any blunt object will do. Just put me out of my misery. Please.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Real Super Tuesday

The Real Super Tuesday

Forget that Tuesday in November, the real super Tuesday is today! Why's that? Well, it's a day that many give things up, get fat with, show things off and then to finish it off we celebrate another year of Abe Vigoda being alive.

Fat Tuesday is upon us. In New Orleans it's a party of epic proportions. I was there a couple years back right after Katrina from the week before mardi gras celebration into just a little bit of it. While I'm sure the after effects of Katrina made it a more.... laid back venture, it was still very much a fun experience. I do hope to go back sometime soon. The place was very much an interesting, living, breathing being that was hard to describe and impossible to keep down.



Eating a Beignet at the Cafe du Monde was a fun times. I walked around the remains of what used to be whatever it was before Katrina hit. I mean, I literally got there a couple of months after it happened. Prices were dirt cheap and they just wanted to fill rooms. I got a rental of a guest house equiped with tv and a pool for the cost of a very lower end Hotel room. That was a deal I was more than happy to take.

I'm a little surprised I didn't mention the whole beads and flashing thing earlier. I mean -I guess that's an important part to mardi gras, I think I've seen my fair share of boobs thanks to the internet here. Amazing how much information it could bring you. But the one thing it can't bring you is some sort of video footage of you on Girls Gone Wild. The amount of drinking that goes on during this festive event is off the chart. I'm sure a small country could all die of alcohol poisoning with the amount of booze they serve there.



I suppose I should give you some back story to all this. Since it celebrates the final time for you to be wreck loose before God starts counting down how lucky you'll be. I think that's enough of the lead up, let's talk about the actual meat and potatoes that will be boiling over for another 40 days.

Fat Tuesday also signals that it's only 24 hours till the start of Lent. You know, that crazy religious time of the year when you give up something for 40 days to be clean of your sins. That and you'll see a lot of people with dirt on their forehead on Wednesday.



It also lets me know that it's only 40 days till my birthday and now I need to figure out what others may want for their Birthday, which this 40 days count down really does help me in making sure I get that done in time.

As a side note if you're not Catholic/Christian or know nothing about Lent, you may have noticed several restaurants are heavily advertising anything with fish. Followers of Lent are not supposed to eat beef or poultry on Fridays, but fish and clams are A-OK. Restaurants know this and they're appealing to this demographic right now.


Church attendance may be up. But god damn can people actually dress nice for church anymore?

If you haven't noticed McDonald's shoving the Fillet-O-Fish back into the limelight, then you haven't been paying attention. Same with Wendy's, and places like Long John Silver's and Ivar's are banking on heavy traffic on Fridays. Even when I did believe in some God, I never followed this silly rule. It's like Jews and pork. Not going to happen.

I can see why the religion wanted to ban it. Hell, maybe it was just some sort of mass protest back in those times. Someone passed around an e-mail forward that stated "Hey guys, don't eat fish or beef on Friday" in defiance to high meat/poultry prices. The equivalent of the stupid e-mails you get about protesting a specific gas station company on a particular day to show them a thing or two about charging us more for gas! I don't buy it.



Add in that a lot of the whole restrictions of eating specific things was because they were risky. If you had a pork chop from a pig who wasn't refrigerated properly or treated, you were going to die. Or at the very least contract worms. So it's more of a guide to controlling you through your wacky religious beliefs. I'm not for that. Not even on just one day.

But not everyone celebrates Fat Tuesday. Many Irish folks practice Shrove Tuesday. Which is really a terrible holiday. Unlike Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday is about abstaining from everything for the day leading up to lent. The question remains, do you burn out bright for the big lent giving up celebration or do you go with the micks and abstain from enjoying yourself an extra day?

Finally, thanks to my Canadian Club Calender I know that today is Abe Vigoda birthday. Sure enough, he's still alive. I know, a little tough to believe but it's true. You know him best from The Godfather. Most of all, Abe has been on Conan since the early days of the Late show. I'm pretty sure most of everyone would have considered him long dead if he hadn't been on that show so often.

There was a lot of good moments in his cameos. Such as this gem.


Who would have thought that at the fine age of 88 Abe was still alive and well. Many already considered him dead time and time again. Hell, two years after I was born People magazine decalred him dead. Vigoda took this with a comical sense of humor even posing for a photograph showing him sitting in a coffin holding the magazine in a sort of proof of life image.

Last week during the last days of Conan O'brien's Late Night run Abe Vigoda was set free


So run free, Abe. Run free on this, your 88 birthday. Hope you're having fun with it wherever you are in the wild.