A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

I already know I did a post about the movie being a Christmas movie this year, but this also marks a special milestone for the film. It's 25 years old this year. To think, a film that at the time Disney was releasing singing mermaids and talking Genies, they decided to green light this new thing that had a lot of potential of frightening young children. It's no wonder that they released it under the Touchstone banner and had it basically stand 10 feet away from anything that could be considered Disney for a long while.

When you think about it, the fact that it took almost a decade later for Disney to do their own merchandising for the film and didn't just hand it off to companies like SEGA of Japan to make items, shows a lot. But little did they realize that the tail end of Gen X'ers and Mellinnials would fall in love with that movie and embrace it as they grew up with it being the bridge between Halloween and Christmas - I mean, who cares about Thanksgiving anyway? (raises hand)

It's hard to not see a wall of merch at any mall these days of NBC related stuff. At one point in the late 1990's, I had to buy my products from Japan. Apparently they were way ahead of the curve in wanting as much of this movie products as possible. Sega company would make a lot of things. I still have a really nice pocket watch from 1999 that was made in Japan and I can't find anything even close to the quality here - especially now that they're just cranking out the goods left and right.

Is it a terrible thing? I guess not. The old sort of "ugh, why are you ruining my obscure interest" would have had a fit. But then again, NBC did start with a limited engagement. I think it's a nice thing to see that there's Hollywood Bowl screenings with Danny Elfman performing. Prior to one of those performances, the last time he was on stage singing Oingo Boingo songs was almost two decades prior for their last Halloween show.

And yeah, I say it's a Christmas movie, but honestly, enjoy the hell out of it all throughout the month. It has spooks and frights but the heart of any Christmas season film and I have the decorations of this film out from October to November anyway. 
 

THE MONSTER MASH - NOT THE GRAVEYARD SMASH

THE MONSTER MASH - NOT THE GRAVEYARD SMASH

Look, you didn't miss much at the party. For all the talk that the Monster Mash was a graveyard smash, it really wasn't that great of a party. From start to the very end. Look, if you want to see a lot of freaks awkwardly stand around, you can go to any sort of geeky meet up. This one just had the luxury of a lot of different beast all around.

You would think getting the invite to this sort of party would mean that you made it in the monster world, but man, they'll just about give an invite to everyone. I saw a hipster monster, you probably never heard of them anyway. But the party has a bunch of monsters who never seem to want to be there in the first place, as if they have some place better to be on Halloween night instead of partying it up with mutual associates like themselves? Anyhow, the conversations are dreadfully boring.

Don't believe me? Here's some of the things I over heard at the party;

 
"Man, I hate being invited to this fucking Mash every year. Dracula shows off his castle and talks about all the women he fanged this year. Frankenstein smells worse every year and moans about his wife that hates him. And the Wolfman, fuck that guy, shedding everywhere and acting like he's so cool."  -The clown with the tear away face


"Oh wow, would you look at the Invisible man drinking punch - You could totally see it going down his throat. Yeeeeaaah, that never gets old."
"Dude, if you're tired of that bit, do not, I mean, DO NOT go to the urinals at the same time as him. Ugh. "


"Do you knew who the fuck I am? Don't you asshats know that an entire contry used to be terrified of me? I'm a goddamn Dullahan! I used to ride into the night and signal death by screaming with my disembodied head! Now I'm out here pouring shitty rum punch down my neckhold and trying to get my rotten corpse dick wet!"


"Just throwing it out there, Large Marge is going to do that thing again with her face over by the chips. Tell her I sent you!"


"Listen, mother fucker, I'm not 'a medusa', I'm a gorgon. GorGON!! Not Gordon!"


"I know I'm 700 years old and way out of touch with everything, but there didn't use to be grinding at Grand balls like this." "


"Yo, anyone know where the rest of the food tables are? Speafinger is wandering around asking where all the fresh babies are. I'm just curious as to why every monster has to eat the same thing? Either every culture has no imagination or straight up babies are delicious"
"Dude, there's like, 20 ghost and monster babies here. Totally not cool."


"I'm the Blob, please keep you punch mugs away from me. I'm not for drinking!"


"I-i-i just don't know if you can use th-the upstairs bathroom, I am Torgo! I sim-simply take care of the pl-place while the M-Master is away."

"Robert Neville I'm sure Drac just invited you to be ironic. 'Oooooooh, the last man on Earth?! Oh no, I get it now, all us monsters see YOU as the monster!'  Laaaaaaaame!"


"Oh look, it's that fat cenobite. I always wondered what exactly is it that you are eating in the hell dimension to get so fucking fat? Razor blades? I mean, I shouldn't be so insensitive, he may have an eating disorder. Just cause he's from the hell dimension, I shouldn't be a dick about things. Oh shit, he's at the baby table. Fuuuuuuck, he just ate two of them. Ugh. What the fuck? I got to go puke" 


"Who the fuck let Frankenstein's monsterous machild up in here? Looks like he's so desperate for a wife. Did the Creature from the Black Lagoon need to bring his human girlfriend here to show off? Fucker looks too damn smug"


"Yeah, I'm a bat-boy.... like, a boy, who is a bat. get it? Bat-boy.   Well, sure I don't look like that anymore. I was, like, nine or whatever when they took the picture. You wanna buy some drugs?Look, I met the president once. okay."



"Oh great, Teen Wolf is already passed out. You know, I don't think you should be allowed to call yourself that when you're, like, 40, with a comb over like that"


"I'M THE SHAMBLING MOUND! Did you know that our wetlands are in danger? For only a few dollar donation you can save the we...   wait, where are you going? Come back?"


"Look, I know we're all here because some stupid song from the mid-century, but did they also have to invite the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater? His voice is fucking annoying"


At this point I was turning down an invitation from Uncle Fester and the Flatwoods monster to go do lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw. So clearly the party had devolved into the mess a Monster Mash would turn in to.  Let's just say shit got real.


"Night hags have spells that turn them hot.... right?  One just kinda flirted with me, and while she looks about 800 years old... It's just been a long dry spell and.... well, I don't know. Maaaaybe?"


"Oh great, here comes Dracula's large adult son. Last year he came with a human that just, like, started to whip the shit out of everyone. Not in a sexy way either. What the fuck was up with that anyway?  You think it's a little weird that Drac named his kid Alucard? What do you mean your son is named Alucohc? Oh, fuck. well, I feel like an idiot."


"Who let the dumbass with the rubber mask in? Listen up old man Wadsworth just because you can scare a few drugged up teens and their great dane doesn't mean you can party with us."


 "Careful when you go to the bathroom, Dodrugen is just waiting outside of the door winking at people. Don't act like you don't know him, he's the toilet deugh. You know, when you least expect it, it comes out of the pipes and pulls humans taking a shit into the crapper by their intestines? Yeah, not the most social of cats, I take it. Just all around creepy dude."


"Oh, for fucks sake, why does Wolfman keep inviting him? Great, he's coming this way. -Hey Mothy, what's going on big guy?" What do you mean don't be afraid?  Oh, really, 43 monsters will get drunk at the party, 7 will get laid? That's an odd number. Fuck you, why do you think I won't be among them? Yeah, yeah. we get it Mothy. Anyway, I'll ask if they can turn down the lights, I'm tired of seeing you walk into them all night."



"Sup, ladies. Have you heard my crazy origin story? You see, there was this one internet site full of losers who made up monsters in photoshop. Long story short, I got my own movie out of it and some girls committed a murder for little ol' long many armed me. Can I get some digits?"
 

 "No, I'm not a ghost, I'm a ghast. Look, it's just different, okay?"


"Yes, I am a floating brain in a robot body, but I'm so much more. I also do standup comedy. I do a little thing called anti-comedy. My jokes end up being funny because they're so bad. It's really some cutting edge stuff. Very hip... what's that? Look, I don't want to confirm it, but sure, I am hitler's brain. Just don't go spreading that around."


"Am I seeing shit or does anyone else see at least three different Christopher Lee's walking around?"


""Vhat the hell happened here, Ze demogrogon vomited on manvolf? He haz veen a real vreck zince Barbara left him, it'z kinda zad. Vut on ze other hanz, Manvolf iz zuch an uptight doouche, he deserved dat."


"I get the mistake, really, but I'm a death bed. Not a regular bed. Can you fuckers stop trying to get lucky on top of me, I'm just trying to enjoy the party."


"Oh, would I like a drink? No thank you, I'm just a suit of armour, so all it does is make my ankles rusty."


"Uh...someone should tell Dracula that the Green Monster is outside of the castle."
"What's the problem? This is a party for monsters."
"No...dude...like the fucking baseball stadium from Boston somehow showed up outside the castle. Bleachers and all.
"It's alive?!"
"I guess, you should tell it that just because it has monster in its name doesn't make it a monster"
"I am not talking to a baseball field. That's just fucking stupid."


"Awesome, La Llorona brought some tamales and those Mexican skeletons have a couple of kegs of Modelo and some tequila! This will get the party started finally. Just don't let those Chinese hopping Ghost near any of that shit, they turn into real dicks when they get wasted."


"Hey, uh... wow, this is awkward. Someone invited that Rapey Tree Guy. No, not Brett Kavanaugh, the actual rapetree from Evil Dead... yeah, look, I can't have that kind of shit going down at this party ok. Can you get... like, Drac to talk to him? Don't we have demon termites or something that can get rid of him? He needs to get out, like yesterday."


"IT'S ME, COMEDY LEGEND ADAM SANDLER! and I'm a vampire! Here are my wacky friends, and we are here to film a movie! Don't mind Rob Schneider, he's just an anti-vax racist. Who wants to hear a song?"



Yup, at that point I just said fuck it and left. Out of all the monsters, psychopaths, and murderers there, he had to be the one who managed to kill the good vibe. Wouldn't you know it.

A CAT NAMED FRED

A CAT NAMED FRED

I feel terrible about the way Fred and I first came into each other's life. Outside the building I own there's a divided street by a median. This street has a little bit of bushes and shrubs like most medians do in an attempt to bring some vegetation to the outskirts of Downtown and in the East side of town.

One day I heard what I thought was a baby bird chirping outside really really loud. I went outside to look around and I couldn't figure out where the noise was coming from. I looked at the neighbor's awning and figured that some birds just had recently given birth or something. Went back inside and for several hours I kept hearing that noise on this very hot and dry day. It was driving me a bit nuts and so I went outside again to investigate more.

Sure enough I walked half way across the street and was looking for the source of the noise to find that it wasn't actually a bird, but a very very tiny all white kitten with his eyes completely crusted over. I thought for sure that if I took it to the vet that they would just mercifully put it down because of being abandoned and looking like it was not very old.

I brought him in and tried to wipe off the crustiness from his eyes. There was a lot of it all over his little face and I was really scared that he would just die right there and then. Helena, the other cat I had rescued from the street came in and sure as rain tolerated this little runts attempts to treat her like a mother. She had the instincts and just enough fucks to give to not be annoyed by it. He even tried nursing on a then year old Indiana - One of Helena's other babies.

Simply put, Fred was a mental case looking for a momma figure because he was just straight up left behind in the middle of the road.

He was the whitest cat I have ever seen and because of that I tried to think of what the whitest name I could think of. Something very frat boy like. Like straight up Guy Fieri style flavor town level. Well, I came up with Fred. And honestly, that's probably the most fitting name this cat could have had.

He got a lot better over the next few weeks. Was a bit surprised by that even though I nursed him and looked over him closely, he just loved Helena and the other cats a lot. I mean, this little guy loved being in the middle of a cuddle party. If there was a cat sleeping, he'd just jump on top or in the middle of them and make himself at home.

I could tell that his eye issues from probably being out there for so long were a problem. It could be viewed that he constantly. had a little bit of twitchy eye situation going on and he would get very crusty eyes. Even more so, has always had upper respiratory issues. His nose would get booger filled like crazy.

I had taken him to the vet at least 4 times through the course of his life. One of which was basically a week long stay to cure him. He had major problems breathing when it came to his nose. I don't know what caused it, but hey, he wasn't suppose to last 5 weeks originally. He was 10 when he finally went in his sleep.

I knew that the death of Helena would be the worst thing to happen to Fred. She was his mother for the most part and he was constantly attached to the hip to her where ever she went. He really loved her to the very end. Her passing sent him on a little bit of a dive and he went into hiding into the crawl spaces where I couldn't find him for days. He finally showed up completely covered in dust and gunk. It was strange and I tried to clean him up. I knew that was going to wreck his breathing issues already.

The night before I found him dead I picked him up and gave him some petting. Tried to gauge how much weight he lost, it felt like a bit because he would still drink water, but just seemed too sad to eat. Or who knows. I honestly don't know what did him in. I can only guess. But I cleaned him up and then he went upstairs. That was the last time I saw him alive.

I found him sleeping peacefully and well, he just went out that way. I'm not sure if the breathing issues just took over with the grief of Helena's passing and not eating to have the strength to keep fighting. Snotty remains on the box he was sleeping in. 

I buried him next to Helena. I told myself that when it was his time that I would do just that. He loved Helena and I'm sure losing his segregate mother last week was not good for his moral and his.. I don't know. I have been taking care and fostering cats for more than 10 years now, feeding strays daily and I constantly drive around with a can of cat food in the car and as much as I observe about cats, the less I fully understand about them.

I mean, to be honest, Fred had so many years added to his life. When I first found him, I doubted he would last five weeks with his issues. Over the years he did not find a forever home with someone else because for the majority of the 10 years he lived, he was not a fan of people. He loved cats, but he would be very strange around people. Over the last few years he really warmed up to me. Especially after I took him to the vet the last time when he stayed for a week.

I'll miss the little guy. I loved him very much and I'm glad he was able to find happiness in other cats and in his later years, get the attention from me that he appreciated in butt scratches.  

BLACK CATS - SALEM VS BINX

BLACK CATS - SALEM VS BINX

Since we're knee deep into the Halloween season, I guess it's only fitting to talk a little about those companions to the typical witch - the black cat.

In one corner we have Thackery Binx.  The cat from Hocus Pocus... well, not really a cat, per say, more like a 17th century boy who has a serious protective issue towards his sister Emily, who, well, he doesn't do a great job at since the three most incompetent witches on the face of the earth manage to kidnap her. He gets cursed to be an immortal black cat, the witches get hanged and basically he is forgotten to time and stuck in cat form guarding the spell book and making sure that the Sanderson Sisters don't ever come back.

But even then he fails at that when some loser virgin who for some reason calls boobs yabos is able to light the black candle and bring out the Sanderson Sisters. He spends the rest of the movie sort of running from really bumbling witches and getting run over, coming back to life, getting killed some more and then coming back. Eventually stopping the sisters from their plot to eat the children and rule the world or something. Once they succeed, he fulfills his goal and his spirit can go free. Which it does, but not before he transforms from his cat form to a tween object of desire, confusing a generation of young girls in thinking that they should help any cat in the hopes that they transform to a dreamy heart throb upon fulfilling their purpose. Only to find out that it's just a silly cat that will sleep all day and scratch up the furniture. Occasionally look at you with that typical judgemental cat face.

Basically the furthest thing from a sexy teen beat crush status.

You know what though, I get it. I totally get why some will like Binx. He's loyal, he created a bond with the then young Thora Birch, which, let's be real, that cat probably had some powers in knowing how she'd grown up or something. I don't know, I'm just not thinking that the cat is on the up and up, You can't trust anyone named Thackery. I know it's 17th century and all, but that's a name you just can't trust.


Salem Saberhagen is a sarcastic cat that can talk and was the companion of Sabrian, the teenage witch. I'm going off the ABC show. He was mainly portrayed by an animatronic puppet, vs. Binx who was a real cat for the most part with just a little bit of mouth moving cgi action. He is also a man transformed into a cat but he was under that situation because he did crimes of the witch world. Mainly the crimes were straight up trying to do world domination. In fact, that's probably his main motivation for everything. He wants to dominate... er....  represent in a proper democratic order of course.

To say he was a jerk just means that you confused his massive amount of sarcasm for being mean and jerky. He was mostly sarcastic... and hungry. very very hungry. Constantly eating and constantly giving Sabrina sass. He did do a lot of work in training her for her future witch knowledge. So it wasn't all just being a sarcastic talking cat. In his human form, he would constantly have his face blacked out and he'd be wearing a sort of Cuban revolutionary uniform. In fact he was friends with Castro. Soooooo yeah, he was a little bit of an evil cat. But then again, he is a witch familiar, so I think that justifies all that anyway.

He has punchlines all the time towards any situation, and let's just be real, he'd call you out on anything and everything. I kind of like that. And since I'm not a young girl who has a massive case of the thirstiness for my needs of cuddling a cat and then having them turn into a teen heart throb big sleeve 17th century hunk, I think the choice is pretty clear on which one I will choose. Give me Salem any day of the week. We'd probably spend the entire time hanging out drinking some cold ones, laughing at the expensive of someone or something and then plotting world dominatio....er..   democracy. Yeah. that's right. 

He's my kind of cat. The sarcastic type who won't bug me as much. Not like the cats I currently have who lack a complete drive of world domination. Salem could teach them a thing or two honestly.

SUICIDE STICK

SUICIDE STICK 

Between 2011 and 2017, it is reported that 259 people died in the process of getting that perfect selfie. To me that just tells me one thing, selfies are pretty much the best way to go about suicide.... Or maybe not. I just think that the statistic is a fascinating. I mean, we're always trying to seek approval from others and trying to go for that perfect moment to show the world how bad ass we really want to be, but these folks got too close to the sun. I mean, not literally.... Though if anyone wants to get shot into the sun for the perfect selfie, let me know and I'll get SpaceX on that shit right quick.

But the US national library of Medicine recommends that no selfie zones should be introduced at dangerous spots where the reduce of death and the amount of morons going there hits a big peak. It's the only way to protect the stupid from themselves. Hell, it may even protect the non-moronic from others as well. You never know when a falling moron will land on your head because they were trying to get a selfie on the top of a large building.

But the zones would include Mountains, tall buildings and lakes, where many of the deaths seem to happen. As if common sense wasn't enough to say "Hey, don't stand at the edge of that building for a photo, you moron!", but hey, we now have to put up electric fences and what not for the most common sense of mortality.

Other forms of selfie stupid suicide seems to be in the way of animals, electrocution, fire and firearms. Look, I'm not discrediting this report, but selfies or not, people are going to die from these stupid things a lot because, guess what, we are stupid people. The world is full of them and if we try to protect them from themselves, we just do the whole human race a disservice in bettering itself in the form of weeding these idiots out of the whole damn system.

Would the world be a better place if Tomer Frankfurter didn't die in Yosemite National Park after falling 250 meters while trying to take a selfie? Who knows. I'm probably sure my life would not have been effected, but hey, do I want a rail system up there to destroy the natural look of the National Park all because one idiot didn't have common sense? Probably not.

Selfie related deaths are also more common in India, Russia and the United States. as 72% of those reported came from there. I mean, it doesn't surprise me since all those places are filled with morons. The study also showed that the number of deaths is on the rise as well. There were only three reports of selfie related deaths in 2011 - My guess is it was under reported, but the number grew to 98 in 2016. and then 93 in 2017, so you can imagine that in 2018, the report may very well be in the hundred mark.

All this just makes you wonder if you're doing something stupid for that perfect instagram photo that you're trying to take to make all your friends envious of your kick ass life that you're pretending to live. I know, totes, brah.

Just don't be stupid next time, you know.

NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS - WHAT TYPE OF MOVIE IS THIS?

NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS - WHAT TYPE OF MOVIE IS THIS?

There has been a real big debate about this subject. Is Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas a Halloween film or is it a Christmas movie?

I feel like I have had this conversation before. I don't know, I may have. I have written a bunch of nonsense over the last ten years and 3,000 post. But let's get into it again because if there's nothing more pressing in the world right now to talk about, it's if an animated film about scary creatures during a christmas season is actually more one holiday film or the other.

The facts are simple - The first minute of the film takes place on Halloween night during the celebration where Jack Skellington is doing a whole Halloween town parade and singing. So perhaps we should take that to mean that this film, while literally starting off on Halloween night, passes the whole holiday up in the rear view within the first five minutes. Halloween is over from there on end as Jack searches for himself in some sort of extensional crisis of discovering who he is after being so bored with Halloween for all these years now.

What follows is Jack finding Christmas town and totally trying to appropriate that town's "thing", Man, Jack, here I thought you were cool and low and behold, I discover you're just a genetrifier motherfucker piece of shit appropriating other's culture. Totally not cool, bro.

The rest of the film is him doing exactly that and leading up to when he makes the attempt to totally take over that holiday - including kidnapping and putting in mortal danger Santa Clause. The whole thing fails in a glorious situation where it tries to teach the youth that you should be happy for who you are and not try to be different, especially not try to appropriate a culture that you have no part in doing and are so juxtaposed in trying to do so - I'm looking at you, white skinny dude who I saw trying to wear a Maui halloween costume. You were NOT pulling off those curly hair look at all.

I will say this, the film's main arcs happen between the end of Halloween and Christmas. So I personally feel like it's not so much a Halloween film. It's a bold stance, I know, but it's a film you watch on literally Halloween because that is when it takes place on the time scale and from there you use it as a way to bury Halloween and get into the Christmas spirit. So on that regard, I will defend the fact that Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Christmas movie and not so much a Halloween film.

Sure, you start it off as the last thing you do on Halloween, because that's what happens in the film, Halloween is no more. It's finished. This film is putting that nail in the coffin of the Halloween festivities. You can't watch it leading up to Halloween. I mean, you can, but then you're cheating yourself out of actually enjoying Halloween stuff as the film is, as stated, about building up towards Christmas.  

Disney's theme park dresses up the Haunted Mansion to look like Jack took over every Halloween through Christmas time.That should tell you something. If this was a Halloween movie, it would only be up for Halloween time. But no, Halloween takes a back seat to the Christmas spirit and that in itself should be the biggest clue on what type of film is this.

Much like Die Hard is a Christmas movie, despite the fact that it is in Los Angeles and has no snow or any other indication of winter despite the Holiday party theme, some music and nudges here and there that this takes place during Christmas, the film is a Christmas film. Much like NBC is a straight up Christmas film and NOT a Halloween one.

These are just my opinions and you can think I'm full of shit. Doesn't change the fact that the film is a Christmas movie.

COSTCO AND HALLOWEEN

COSTCO AND HALLOWEEN

In my continuing efforts to beat it into your heads that I love Costco and pray to it like it is a church, going to it often twice a week like some elderly women hitting up their local house of worship hoping to get in just as the time is ticking down, I want to talk about the fact that Costco is perfect for Halloween.

The biggest complete most people have with Costco is that even with a big household, the fact that the place has SOOOOOO much bulk items means you can never really use all the stuff you are buying. This is when the time of the year for excess is perfect. You can def. use that giant bag of trick or treat candy.

Look, the bag is fucking huge, and even though I don't generally have that many trick or treaters, we all know that everyone buys candy not for the kids, but for the hope that you have candy without the need of wearing a costume, having a kid and walking around the block. I mean, sure, if they show up, I'll go hard on putting the candy in their bag, but the reality is that you'll be ending up with a lot of candy once it is all said and done.

The only thing now is to choose the means of your destruction. You can get the fun size candy, which isn't all that great cause there's nothing fun about a tiny candy. Or you can go full costco and just buy boxes of the full sized items. Look, I wish trick or treating in my hood was still a thing, but it generally isn't. So rewarding those who choose to come out by giving them full sized bars is always nice.

Or hey, you can buy the small Costco toys if you don't want to mess with the amount of food allergies that kids these days seem to have, but that doesn't leave you with a mess of candy you can regret eating later.