This Holy Night We Flood the World with Bees!
It’s Christmas Day! Did you enjoy unwrapping your gift cards today? How about all that Ham..... Tamales, have you’ve had your fill already? What to do now. You could spend the time with your family or you could flip them the bird and go to the movies and watch Alien vs Predator or something equally as bad. It will more than likely be the only thing open where english is the primary language anyway. But why throw away money on a movie ticket and some popcorn when there is much larger things you could do to make you feel like a better person and help change the lives around the world. I speak of course of donating to chariety. It helps you sleep easy at night. Especially when you realize how large your carbon footprint actually is.
So it’s time to start your charity motors up, people. I know you’re busy sucking down sugarplums and unwrapping nostril groomers (hint hint) from your girlfriend, but I’d like you to take a moment out of your holiday routine to remind you of something more important: all over the world, people are dying miserably because of your greed. Right now, even as you’re reading this, some child with a giant head and what seems like an abnormal number of ribs is far along in the process of dying of poorness. You know that Battlestar Galactica bathrobe you bought for your brother? If you had used just one tenth of that money to buy this little third-world moppet a salt lick or a couple fingers of gruel, he’d be not dying right at this instant.
Sorry if I’m bumming you out, but I have good news: with just a small contribution, you can help! Well, you can’t help the kid from the previous paragraph. That kid is dead now, so forget about him. He died because you were reading a website on the internet instead of sending him money. That’s fine, though. There are plenty more dying people to help, so let’s get on with it before-- oh, whoops, another one just died.
This Christmas, I want you to give ’til it hurts. I want to give ’til it’s covered with painful welts, in fact. I’d want to keep giving until its throat swells shut due to anaphylactic shock.
You may have heard of Heifer International, a charitable organization that improves the lives of poor people around the world by giving them goats and cows and stuff, which they can milk or eat or cut open and crawl inside of for warmth. One of their many animal-charity drives involves setting up bee colonies, which seems like the perfect project to throw your money at.
Why Give Bees?
The beauty of donating bees is that it works whether you’re good or evil. There are two ways to look at it:
A) You are paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the magic of pollination.
B) You are paying $30 to prank the fuck out of some poor people by foisting a swarm of angry bees on them.
Bee-giving is good for the world, but you can feel like an asshole while doing it. In fact, you can feel like a supervillain. Each $30 bee contribution buys 12,500 bees (I actually called and checked), which means that the combined weight of this charity option could potentially flood the developing world with millions of bees. On this holiest of nights, we shall darken the skies of the world’s poorest nations with deadly swarms of nature’s perfect killing machine.
How Give Bees?
To participate in our charity bee drive, just follow these easy steps:
1. Visit this page to order bees directly from Heifer International.
2. Click "Add to Cart" and proceed to checkout.
3. After you enter your info, you’ll see an "Additional Information" area. In the second dropdown menu, select "Other Organization," then enter "Something Awful" in the text field below it.
4. Say if you’ve donated! Post a comments to me that you’ve donated. The Bee number will be tallied up to better track the level of this insane global villainy.
Let’s forever end poverty everywhere in the world through the miraculous power of bees! Or, if you’re evil, let’s cause thousands of potentially fatal bee stings in the countries whose medical care systems are least qualified to treat allergic shock! For only 0.08 cents a day, you can instill the fear of bees into a child who already had finding food and shelter along with fighting off sickness as things to worry about.