You Know Who Gets My Goat?

You Know Who Gets My Goat?

Last year I took the time to give.. and give I did. In the form of unleashing bees on the poor souls of some backwards ass country that was highlighted on 24. It was my way to say FUCK YOU to poverty and to stamp out hunger... in the form giving unleashing the wrath of bees on the less fortunate through the Heifer International foundation. You buy an animal and they send it to the family so that they can support themselves on what it provides. Pick yourself up by your own bootstraps type of program.

I looked at it this way, I was paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the magic of pollination. In reality I was paying $30 to prank the fuck out of some poor people by foisting a swarm of angry bees on them. It was a win/win situation if I ever saw one. To think, for only 0.08 cents a day, I was able to instill the fear of bees onto a child who already had enough to worry about.



I made the donation and slept a little easier that night. Mainly because I didn't have a box full of bees coming my way. Over the past year I received monthly magazines of WORLD ARK constantly hoping to hear that my bees unleashed uncountable amounts of horrors on their new owners. No luck.

Here we are again in the middle of the Christmas season and much like the idea of recycling is appealing in April, the idea of being charitable is on everyones mind. Namely Heifer International as I received an order form as to what sort of animal I want dump on a family this year.



The thought process was long and took some time. Last year I gave them bees. I can't give that again. Not only was it ineffective in instilling the fear of whatever coke bottle they call God, but you can't follow up bees with more bees. One must follow proper gift giving manners. Let's take a look at the other options as to what to give.

Llama - Llame. Whens the last time a llama even made the news.
Water Buffalo - This would only lead them to cutting off their wings and really, Africa is not ready for a Hooters any time soon.
Cow - After seeing how hamburgers create fatties here, I'd say it's a charity case to NOT give them one.
Flock of chicks - If it was a flock of seagulls, I'd gladly pay to send them to Africa.
Flock of ducks -Again, not seagulls.
Flock of geese - Since foire gras will be illegal in California, send them here before it's outlawed!
Trio of rabbits - I have this thing with rabbits. It's not Easter, it's Christmas. No rabbits!
Trees - Wait.. what? A tree as charity? Come on. I'm trying to give someone something that will help them. A tree seems so generic.
pig - It just doesn't seem like a good gift. It's like giving someone a meat log from the mall... only much less cooked.



So that rules out a lot of choices but leaves me wondering what exactly am I going to get these poor Africans. Then it hits me, if I can't unleash swarms of bees on people, I can at least play it off for a laugh and there we get the Goat. At the very least I can laugh with the witty remark that they're getting my goat.

Add in that Goats are wacky animals. They eat all kinds of shit that is just left around. Put anything in front of a goat and turn around for a minute. Bet you that when you look again that goat will be chewing on it. I once saw a goat eat a soda can only later to be milked. I'm not sure about you, but I don't want any added iron in my frosted flakes, thank you kindly.



In all truths, it's nice to help out some random strangers around the world who are willing to work for themselves but just need a little push. Bees may sound like a scary thing to you or I, but to them it could provide a quality of life that is not only filled with bee stings, but is now one where they can exchange and sell Honey. Goats, while eating everything in sight, can help maintain a field and provide milk and cheese products that can be sold at the market. In a world where most charities have very little of the money actually going towards the cause, it's nice to know that your money is being used wisely... in this case, used to actually get a family your donation.

On a final note, the charity mentioned in Mondays blog that put people in the torture position of playing Desert Bus gets some attention from one of the creators of the damned unreleased game as Penn speaks out on the matter.
CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO
Enjoy that extra insight on it.

This Holy Night We Flood the World with Bees!

It’s Christmas Day! Did you enjoy unwrapping your gift cards today? How about all that Ham..... Tamales, have you’ve had your fill already? What to do now. You could spend the time with your family or you could flip them the bird and go to the movies and watch Alien vs Predator or something equally as bad. It will more than likely be the only thing open where english is the primary language anyway. But why throw away money on a movie ticket and some popcorn when there is much larger things you could do to make you feel like a better person and help change the lives around the world. I speak of course of donating to chariety. It helps you sleep easy at night. Especially when you realize how large your carbon footprint actually is.

So it’s time to start your charity motors up, people. I know you’re busy sucking down sugarplums and unwrapping nostril groomers (hint hint) from your girlfriend, but I’d like you to take a moment out of your holiday routine to remind you of something more important: all over the world, people are dying miserably because of your greed. Right now, even as you’re reading this, some child with a giant head and what seems like an abnormal number of ribs is far along in the process of dying of poorness. You know that Battlestar Galactica bathrobe you bought for your brother? If you had used just one tenth of that money to buy this little third-world moppet a salt lick or a couple fingers of gruel, he’d be not dying right at this instant.

Sorry if I’m bumming you out, but I have good news: with just a small contribution, you can help! Well, you can’t help the kid from the previous paragraph. That kid is dead now, so forget about him. He died because you were reading a website on the internet instead of sending him money. That’s fine, though. There are plenty more dying people to help, so let’s get on with it before-- oh, whoops, another one just died.

This Christmas, I want you to give ’til it hurts. I want to give ’til it’s covered with painful welts, in fact. I’d want to keep giving until its throat swells shut due to anaphylactic shock.

You may have heard of Heifer International, a charitable organization that improves the lives of poor people around the world by giving them goats and cows and stuff, which they can milk or eat or cut open and crawl inside of for warmth. One of their many animal-charity drives involves setting up bee colonies, which seems like the perfect project to throw your money at.

Why Give Bees?

The beauty of donating bees is that it works whether you’re good or evil. There are two ways to look at it:

A) You are paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the magic of pollination.

B) You are paying $30 to prank the fuck out of some poor people by foisting a swarm of angry bees on them.

Bee-giving is good for the world, but you can feel like an asshole while doing it. In fact, you can feel like a supervillain. Each $30 bee contribution buys 12,500 bees (I actually called and checked), which means that the combined weight of this charity option could potentially flood the developing world with millions of bees. On this holiest of nights, we shall darken the skies of the world’s poorest nations with deadly swarms of nature’s perfect killing machine.

How Give Bees?

To participate in our charity bee drive, just follow these easy steps:

1. Visit this page to order bees directly from Heifer International.

2. Click "Add to Cart" and proceed to checkout.

3. After you enter your info, you’ll see an "Additional Information" area. In the second dropdown menu, select "Other Organization," then enter "Something Awful" in the text field below it.

4. Say if you’ve donated! Post a comments to me that you’ve donated. The Bee number will be tallied up to better track the level of this insane global villainy.

Let’s forever end poverty everywhere in the world through the miraculous power of bees! Or, if you’re evil, let’s cause thousands of potentially fatal bee stings in the countries whose medical care systems are least qualified to treat allergic shock! For only 0.08 cents a day, you can instill the fear of bees into a child who already had finding food and shelter along with fighting off sickness as things to worry about.