Keeping Dates Straight

Keeping Dates Straight

Some of you may already know this about me, but I'm not very good with keeping days straight. They sort of bleed into one another. Perhaps this has something to do with the calendars I keep. In stead of having one that serves a point or function of keeping me organized, I generally look for the one with the silliest theme or is just plain and simply the oddest one out of the bunch.

Last year I had a free Horizon Organic Dairy calendar. It provided me with 12 months filled with cows grazing to admire. It offered me inspiration to drink more milk and to aspire to one day be a cow. They have it easy. Eat grass all day and get your utters pulled on daily. Aside from get grounded up and eaten as a burger, they had it made. It was a strange calendar and I'm a little sad that I can not put it up without looking like a strange person.



For 2009 I'm taking it back old school. Canadian Club sent me a calendar to use. Each month has vintage pictures of what your daddy would have looked like if he was a number one playa. As well as offering strange holidays to be noted such as Tom Selleck and Tom Selleck's mustache's birthday on the 29th of this month. I also didn't know that the 23rd is National Pie Day. I'm going to make sure that I have some GOOD key lime pie in my hands then.

I used to always get the daily calendar. Either a George Carlin or Far side calendar was on my desk on any given year but after a couple of months I would stop keeping up with it and soon I would have to peal off 10 to 15 pages at a time. I have enough to do in one day, planning out when I was going to remove days wasn't one of them. Especially not after I cheated and looked ahead into them to see what the next couple of days said. It was just a bad influence altogether.


These new and old calendars got me thinking as to what

I also hated how they would usually lump Saturday and Sunday into the same page. Just because it's the weekend doesn't mean I should get cheated out of a page to look at. It was making my weekends look shorter than they were. That's not a visual I want to think of. How could you equate my weekend to the same page size as boring ass Monday?! HUH CALENDAR! HUH?!

Um.. yeah. So perhaps with this new calendar with fun filled facts like when Abe Vigoda's birthday is and when Cabaret opened. In case I'm leavin you in the dark, i'ts the 24 and 13 of February.

2009: Looking Down The Pipeline

2009: Looking Down The Pipeline

A lot of things happened in 2008. Wars were fought, people were born, people fell in love, people died, and I learned how to boil a boot because of this piss poor economy. It was a terrible year, and one that I will never forget. I will forever be haunted by the mistakes, missed opportunities and failures that made the last twelve months so special, and I can only hope that 2009 can bring as many great memories as 2008 did, not just for myself but for the whole world. There is no doubt in my mind that it will. And here are just some of the exciting things I expect we have to look forward to in 2009:

Robots
I know there will be robots in the future because I have seen many movies with robots in them, and these movies were in the future. If that is not proof enough, then I honestly do not know what is. I expect to see the first proper robots commercially available in the next few months. Robots will be able to do almost everything. They will cook things, clean things, make things, and destroy things. The only things robots will never be able to do is love. This is because robots simply cannot love. Ever.

No robot, you will never know what love is. I am sorry,

A Moon Base
Now that even crazy countries like China can go into space, it is not such a big deal. China is the country with the dragons for heaven's sake. It is so easy to go into space now that it will not be long until people start living there permanently. The most obvious place to live is the moon, simply because it is the closest. Living on the moon would offer many bonuses, such as the ability to jump really high to impress your friends with your vertical jump. Dunking will now be possible for all white males and the ability to jump really high to escape from moon-wolves (moon-wolves can also jump high so watch out OK).

Gaza Strip? What about it?

Peace in the Middle East
2009 will be the year that all nations in the Middle East finally stop fighting and become friends. Everyone will be united under the banner of Islam, and al Quada will become a traveling circus troupe. The United States will withdraw all military from the region and begin amassing troops along the Canadian border. Just don't pay attention to what's happening to the Gaza strip.. let's just forget all about that.

Some Kind of Alien Attack
I think this is clear to anyone with half a of a brain or even a third of a brain. Aliens will surely attack us soon, and for days we will be living on the edge of our seats in suspense. Just at the point that all seems lost we will discover their one weakness which will probably be water or something equally as stupidly unoriginal. The aliens will be driven away by a lone rogue soldier who plays by his own rules and possibly has weakness for alcohol and women.

Genetically Engineered Cowfruit
Scientists will finally be able to combine cows and fruit to create delicious new flavors of beef. Cowfruit will bridge the gap between vegetarians and meat lovers, with everyone agreeing that there is no better snack than a tasty cowapple salad or a bowl of cowpear soup. Cowfruit will make great pets, as they are gentle creatures and grow on trees.

Holy shit, what are we doing to the cows?

Duke Nukem Forever is Released
Haha I made a Duke Nukem Forever Joke. A little more than ten years later I'm still riding that one trick pony.. Come get some!

As you can clearly see 2008 holds many possibilities for every one of us on this crazy planet we call home. I am sure that a year from now I will look back on this time and think "Oh Jesus Christ what the hell was I thinking oh God oh God oh God oh Jesus oh God." And take another swig of rum as I try to shake these terrible images of the future out of my mind. Damn you future visions in my mind, why must you haunt me so?

I apologize for the brevity of this article, but I have to go and welcome in the new year by enjoying it with a large group of friends. Of course by "a large group of my best friends" I mean "my friends" and by "my friends" I mean "my friend" and by "my friend" I mean "my cat" and by "party" I mean drink.