Friday, January 2, 2009

2009: Looking Down The Pipeline

2009: Looking Down The Pipeline

A lot of things happened in 2008. Wars were fought, people were born, people fell in love, people died, and I learned how to boil a boot because of this piss poor economy. It was a terrible year, and one that I will never forget. I will forever be haunted by the mistakes, missed opportunities and failures that made the last twelve months so special, and I can only hope that 2009 can bring as many great memories as 2008 did, not just for myself but for the whole world. There is no doubt in my mind that it will. And here are just some of the exciting things I expect we have to look forward to in 2009:

I know there will be robots in the future because I have seen many movies with robots in them, and these movies were in the future. If that is not proof enough, then I honestly do not know what is. I expect to see the first proper robots commercially available in the next few months. Robots will be able to do almost everything. They will cook things, clean things, make things, and destroy things. The only things robots will never be able to do is love. This is because robots simply cannot love. Ever.

No robot, you will never know what love is. I am sorry,

A Moon Base
Now that even crazy countries like China can go into space, it is not such a big deal. China is the country with the dragons for heaven's sake. It is so easy to go into space now that it will not be long until people start living there permanently. The most obvious place to live is the moon, simply because it is the closest. Living on the moon would offer many bonuses, such as the ability to jump really high to impress your friends with your vertical jump. Dunking will now be possible for all white males and the ability to jump really high to escape from moon-wolves (moon-wolves can also jump high so watch out OK).

Gaza Strip? What about it?

Peace in the Middle East
2009 will be the year that all nations in the Middle East finally stop fighting and become friends. Everyone will be united under the banner of Islam, and al Quada will become a traveling circus troupe. The United States will withdraw all military from the region and begin amassing troops along the Canadian border. Just don't pay attention to what's happening to the Gaza strip.. let's just forget all about that.

Some Kind of Alien Attack
I think this is clear to anyone with half a of a brain or even a third of a brain. Aliens will surely attack us soon, and for days we will be living on the edge of our seats in suspense. Just at the point that all seems lost we will discover their one weakness which will probably be water or something equally as stupidly unoriginal. The aliens will be driven away by a lone rogue soldier who plays by his own rules and possibly has weakness for alcohol and women.

Genetically Engineered Cowfruit
Scientists will finally be able to combine cows and fruit to create delicious new flavors of beef. Cowfruit will bridge the gap between vegetarians and meat lovers, with everyone agreeing that there is no better snack than a tasty cowapple salad or a bowl of cowpear soup. Cowfruit will make great pets, as they are gentle creatures and grow on trees.

Holy shit, what are we doing to the cows?

Duke Nukem Forever is Released
Haha I made a Duke Nukem Forever Joke. A little more than ten years later I'm still riding that one trick pony.. Come get some!

As you can clearly see 2008 holds many possibilities for every one of us on this crazy planet we call home. I am sure that a year from now I will look back on this time and think "Oh Jesus Christ what the hell was I thinking oh God oh God oh God oh Jesus oh God." And take another swig of rum as I try to shake these terrible images of the future out of my mind. Damn you future visions in my mind, why must you haunt me so?

I apologize for the brevity of this article, but I have to go and welcome in the new year by enjoying it with a large group of friends. Of course by "a large group of my best friends" I mean "my friends" and by "my friends" I mean "my friend" and by "my friend" I mean "my cat" and by "party" I mean drink.

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