Merry Krampus Day!

Happy Krampus Day!

Did you know that tomorrow is actually the festival of Christmas? Well, it's Saint Nicholas day. You know, the Jolly ol' fat man who gives you presents till you realize it's really Jack, the guy who's banging your mother. Well fuck you Brad, you aren't really my father! Besides that, I didn't need new shoes. You do realize that the plural of Anime is not Animes... Geez! Parents just don't understand!

If you have someone in your life that is a brat that would say something like the above statement, you would be all in favor of Krampus Day. It's Saint Nicholas day eve. So really, we celebrate Christmas on the 25, but that's some Christianity bullshit to piggy back on the good ol' Pagan festivities. Much like Halloween, the Catholic church wants to take attention away from those pesky Pagans. So they try to assilimate their own beliefs into the Pagan ones. Consider it the ultimate form of product knock offs. You know, when you buy that Super Ninjendo console machine from the flea market that has all the old SNES roms in there already? Yeah. Like that.



But anyhow, Krampus day. You know how you have your best friend rolling with you when you're sometimes chilling or doing your work and you ask your homie to roll along with you so you're not so lonely and you can potentially get them to do some of your work for you? Krampus is a lot like that. He's a mythical creature who accompanies Santa Clause (Jolly ol' Saint Nicholas) during the Christmas season. He's a sort of demon creature and the Ying to Santa's Yang.

Santa gives out presents to the boys and girls who have been good. Krampus gives warnings and punishments to the bad children. That's a long way from what we're left to believe in modern day with bad girls and boys getting a lump of coal. I'm sure if you want to scare the piss out of your little brat to being good, you should tell them that they have this to look forward to:



In some parts of the world it's actually a time honored tradition to dress up as Krampus on the evenig of December 5th and roam around at night scaring kids and women with rusty chains and bells. Other legends suggest that he gets the really bad children and carries them off in his sack and takes them along. You ever wonder where Santa got his elves? Yeah, you can wonder no longer.

Hungarian parents often frighten children with getting Virgacs instead of presents, if they do not behave. By the end of november you can by all sorts of Virgacs on the streets, usually painted gold, bound by a red ribbon. Ah, the wonders of celebrating beating children. In Austria Krampus is an evil fertility demon that has a long tail, fur, rattling chain, birch ranch and big black bag. He's pretty much Santa Clauses' dark shadow. If you're a fan of Dexter, he's his dark passenger.



The whole deal is that the 5-6th of December is a saint's day for St. Nicholas, who pronounced judgment on the children. Testing them on their catechism and rewarding their performance either with a gift or punishment. In short, this was a test. Martin Luther, when not nailing things to doors, forbade these Nicholas customs in the Lutheran area. Instead the "Holy Christ", the "Christ Child" himself was to be the bringer of gifts. So that's how you get it from a Pagan to a Christian Holiday. Pretty fucking crazy, right? Not as crazy as a demon who puts you in a bag, but sure enough it's getting to that level.

It is pretty funny that Christmas today is all about consumerism and living that ayn rand style of capitalism. Though, the personal talents are in making really shitty, mass produced toys. But this idea of personally giving the children what they wanted and putting home made shoes (fuck you, China!) is a contradiction to earlier days of Santa Clause. That in those times it was encouraged to frighten and threaten children. Putting moral pressure on them, especially when St. Nicholas is involved. You wanted to fuck around? You would be on the naughty list and Krampus would beat the ever living shit out of you, that is if he didn't snatch you away first.



Krampus is the sort of devil who chills with St. Nikolaus on the eve of December 6. In Stryia this attendant is named Bartel. He hangs with St. Nicholas while he's out on the prowl for gift giving. He's also known as Black Peter. I mean, that's pretty bad for people named Peter.. and/or happen to be black. Hey, you're attached to some demon looking mofo. Booyah!

I like that in Salzburg, young men put on the costumes and run around with mismatched shoes, stomping down the mains hopping areas ringing cowbells and pretending to snatch little children. What a wonderful culture to encourage that sort of behavior. I realize we're way to P.C. for anything like that. They also go about hitting people on the leg with switches. Try that in any red necked backwoods small town and you'll be lynched. But the beauty of this is that some dude dressed as St. Nicholas follows behind, handing out candies. See, that's the beauty of the season. And if



And if you can't get enough of this odd good cop/bad cop, black cop/white cop buddy police comedy, they also make cookies of the two and sell them on the streets. You'll be lying if you told me you didn't want a Krampus Kookie. This is all before you place your shoes on the window for Jolly ol' saint Nicholas. I think he may have a foot fetish.. You try justifying putting fruits and berries into some kids shoe. Who wants to eat shoe fruit?

You also have Krampus mask, known as Larven, as a means to show some artsy culture to the whole festivity. Which has to have large horns. They carve these suckers out of wood and super glues some horns of a goat on there. Ah, the true meaning of recycling an animal in whole! Just see this as a little bit of a mix between Halloween and Christmas. Jack Skellington would love it!



Then again, you shouldn't believe in any of this. I mean, Most religious historians and experts in folklore believe that there is no valid evidence to indicate that St. Nicholas ever existed as a human. They can find no evidence of him ever around, unlike they do with other members of the clergy. This guy, who I got my middle name from, is pretty much a ghost. No trace. Like me. One bad mother fucker who rolls with the devil. Booooyah! How you like me now?

In fact, there are quite a few indicators that his life story was simply recycled from those of Pagan gods. So you see how the Catholic Church rides shot gun with Santa Clause on Holidays. You can say that the Catholic Church is in its own way, Krampus. I'm sure they'll gladly beat you switches if you don't follow their set of rules.



The idea that you have either Santa Clause or the birth of your savior and lord Jesus. Hussin Christ (I went there) seems to be false in itself as well. Damn baby would die if it was born in the desert during winter. So you have just as much incentive to believe in Krampus. Not only that, but he looks a hell of a lot cooler than some dude in a white robe and an unkempt beard.

Over all, you shouldn't forget the roots and most of all, with a holiday that sounds this bad ass with characters that you should look to, I can't believe that modern culture in the states have just bypassed this otherwise awesome celebration that could be something amazing. Thankfully some places keep these practices alive and well. To the real spirit of the Holidays!

Merry Krampus Day!

Feliz dia de los muertos.

Feliz dia de los muertos.

It's day of the dead, or as Venture Brothers put it, "that crazy dead people Christmas Mexicans celebrate". Yes, it is dead people Christmas us Mexicans celebrate. We do some wacky things to graves. Like putting photos of the loved one out there as well as food they enjoyed eating. It's all to honor the departed loved ones and keep their memory alive.

It's all part of the Halloween festivities. What with Halloween being All Saints Day (Hallow = Holy) and the following day being All Souls Day. Meaning all the people who died. It was the church's way to try to kill that Pegan fall festival. Though it seems like they're getting all up in arms about everything forgetting all about their own god damn Holidays.




For example, look at this crazy person rant about the dangers of Halloween;

The word "holiday" means "holy day." But there is nothing holy about Halloween. The root word of Halloween is "hallow," which means "holy, consecrated and set apart for service." If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for? The answer to that question is very easy—Lucifer's!

First off, God doesn't exist. Therefore any argument appealing to religion is null and void. At least in my eyes. Besides, what's so harmful about dressing up as a mummy and eating candy? There are so many issues where kids are blissfully unaware and happy, but parents are extremely concerned for the safety and eternal standing of their children.



I may openly mock Halloween costumes (see future Disney Princess blog), but it's still just fun for the kids in the end. It's not like they're going out and conducting pagan rituals that would be potentially crossing the line of ethics or moral lessons. Yes, you're asking for kids to live in a socialist world and redistribute the candy free of charge, but then again, maybe that will mean the future grown ups would be willing to actually pass such socialist programs like Universal Health Care.

I mean, Halloween is a catholic church approved day.. well at least try attempted to make it one. All Hallow's Eve, with "hallo" referring to a ghost or spirit. Holy Spirit. Because November 1st is All Saints day. Get it? But hey, that doesn't allow one to get irrationally angry at a kid's holiday, so we might as well go and ignore that.

Every year there's some people who get all riled about Halloween. Like that documentary Hell House, about a church group creating a scary "haunted house" about sinner and going to hell. Yeah, the whole scared straight stuff has worked in the past, right.



Could Halloween just be a day where kids put on costumes and go door to door to get some candy? Oh absolutely not, by dressing up as The Little Mermaid or Spiderman obviously means you're worshiping satan! Though on a future topic, dressing up as the little mermaid may make you feel like you should change for a man and lose your voice to "get" him.

And then there's this fear that Wicca and Pagan followers will be sacrificing babies and making it dangerous for your children to be out. What the hell? Serious? I think Pagans have a busy schedule of taking off their clothing and worshiping whatever crazy gods they want to as well as doing that retrospective look at those who died in the past year(s). It's like claiming crazy church goers are going to go out and eat atheist children on Sunday morning.

Here's a tip, the people who are most prone to taking their clothes off and dancing in the moonlight are rarely the sort of people you want to see taking their clothes of and dancing in the moonlight. Unless, of course, you like 'em large and in charge.



But again, these church going people are the same types of people who think the spells in Harry Potter are real. They are mentally deficient and should be treated as such. They should also be sent to Texas.

If it wasn't for Halloween how will the kids learn that humanity is full of bastards and charlatans if not from the scum who give out black and red waxy paper wrapped peanut cement chews? Not top mention what motivation will the children have to dress up like sluts and drink themselves retarded if they aren't trying to bury the regret that they're no longer of the age to dress as a beloved cartoon character and beg perfect strangers for candy? Oh wait, that's for the older crowds who no longer care about God.

I don't know how they did it, but they (who, anyway? beer companies?) turned another holiday into another Amateur Drinking Festival. In a few more years Washington and Lincoln will be hoisting big glass boots of beer for the big President's Day Drunk-a-thon. This is why, while I like Halloween, I do think the meaning is pretty much lost, or at least altered from the years, but it certainly hasn't altered to a satanist worshiping holiday.

That's why I like celebrating The Day of the Dead, where we actually make alters and food, have retrospective memories for imaginary skeleton ghost, now that's pagan as fuck, but it's still approved by the Catholic Church because if it wasn't, Mexicans would burn the whole pueblo down.

So hey, forget Halloween altogether. Not because it'll lead you to eating something that will make you sick, or because it's satanic but because dia de los muertos is a whole lot better of a holiday.

I'll Be Home For Christmas

I'll Be Home For Christmas

I wont and neither will the men and women of our armed forces fighting for the freedom of... well, I guess shoe throwing, in Iraq. So one wonders what's the next best thing for those families with members stationed in a war? Why it's a piece of cardboard!

FLAT DADDY!


"Flat Daddies and Flat Mommies are life-sized printed posters of parents who are actively serving overseas in the military"


I finally was able to get a picture of dd giving her "daddy" kisses before bed. the flat daddy has helped so much and we love it! -- d. pulliam


Here is our flat daddy sitting at the dinner table. He also rides with us in the car,sleeps in his bed and the dogs just love him.. Well, Love to bark at him.. But recently while he was home for R&R(June 08) the dogs knew who he was and I think that has a lot to do with flat daddy since they were just puppies when Dad left! -- Beverly Bloom


This form only allowed me to submit one photo with my story but I also wanted to share with you my 6yr old hugging our flat daddy. -- Stacy Beilke


This form only allowed me to submit one photo with my story but I wanted you to see our baby playing with the flat daddy. He's spent more time with his flat daddy than his real daddy. It means so much to me to keep that bond going. Thanks! -- Stacy Beilke


My husband was gone through most of my pregnancy. So, we took him along to doctor appointments, he sat at the table for Thanksgiving and Christmas, came to my baby shower, and of course was at the birth. Here is a shot of him at my ultrasound. Having my Flat Husband meant the world to me and became a huge hit with our family and helped me deal with him being away when I needed him. Thanks so much -- Sara


"When I got my daughter's flatdaddy in the mail I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. It took me a week to decide. It was kind of hard for her to carry it, but she wanted him to go everywhere with her. So I made it into a backpack! She loves that she can carry him anywhere and not worry about tripping or falling over. Thank You so much! She can love on him anytime she wants....This has made one little girl very happy!!! -- Sonya Predmore"

This picture is like the Humane society fire. It's both sad and funny at the same time. Talk about emotional baggage. Imagine if she walks past a wall or fence and all you can see is the soldier's face popping out. You look out the window and there's this smiling soldier holding a gun, silently gliding past your house.

A while ago I saw a series of photos and interviews of an army wife, half from before and half from after her husband was killed. She had a Flat Daddy and in the 'after' photos there was like one of her just lying on a mattress staring at it and sobbing. Pretty fucked up. The worst part is that there all in uniform in the source images. Now the only memento she has is a reminder of what he was doing when he died and not the actual human being that she cared about.

I'm wondering how they deal with receiving a phone call informing you that your husband was killed in Iraq, and you turn around to have that soulless piece of cardboard staring straight through your eyes and into your soul.


so, it turns out this is the saddest thing possible.

Then again, it's also up there on the scale with how creepy it is.

No matter if you're feeling sad or laughing at how creepy this may look, there's one thing to take away from all this; Many people aren't home for the holidays. Looking past the gifts (Ok, I'm not materialistic ALL the time) and the food (God damn tamales!) you need to find the true meaning of Christmas. It's not about some baby being born to a virgin, even if there ever was a dude named Jesus, he wasn't born in December in the desert. That's for damn sure. The real meaning of Christmas is to spend it with some friends and family. Even if it's only a couple of moments, they should be ones you treasure.

You never know when you're going to have to settle for some cardboard cutout of that person you're missing.