YOUR ANNUAL REMINDER THAT BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE IS PRETTY RAPEY

YOUR ANNUAL REMINDER THAT BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE IS PRETTY RAPEY 

Hi there, you know me. It's your average guy who ruins everything by pointing out the obvious reality that, well, that shit was probably bad, but because it's so rooted in your nostalgia that you never really noticed or questioned how bad it actually was. You know, it's what keeps Civil War Confederate statues standing and racism alive and well in America.

Just dropping the annual reminder that the timeless Christmas song Baby it's cold outside is pretty fucking rapey. Yeah, it's also really nostalgic and I often play it a dozen times during this Holiday season, but let's just accept that it's fucking creepy as all hell and in a day of #Metoo and #Timesup, folks are going to be upset that you point out that the song is basically some creepy as fuck dude trying to get a lady friend to stay and Netflix and Chill while she goes through the list of excuses, as one probably had to do to be polite in turning down such advances without ending up with a slit through and the bottom of a lake. But you know what, she's basically saying "NO, NO nOOOOOOOOooOo  fucking NOOOO, OOOKay, fuck it. If it takes 2 minutes of being unsatisfied by your stupid needs then fine!"

The sentiment is still the same that she tries to use every fucking excuse as to why she can't stay and his only fucking reason and rationale to her staying and bumping uglies is that it's goddamn cold outside. Hey asshole, lend her a jacket? Anyhow. Yeah, it's pretty rapey. It's fucking rapey as all hell and man, if it didn't have that mellow singing and nice Christmas tones, you'll just realize the fact that it's goddamn wrong and someone should have said something back then - only, those vintage values clearly were all about not giving a fuck about what the woman wanted.

Yet, as bad as it may seem, there's one way you can make it even fucking worse. How, you ask? Let me just show you...



Who's fucking bright idea was it to just say  "Man, this song is getting a lot of shit from those politically correct folks who think that a woman's inability to get out of an uncomfortable sexual predator situation seems to ruin our Christmas music, I know, LET'S ADD CHILDREN!" Cause, you know, adding children basically means that they can't be asking for sex cause they don't know what that even is, EL OH EL.

"But Javier, what about Santa Baby or I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause?"  A.) I'm Jewish, Schmuck! B.) Both those songs have the female clearly giving consent. So fuck off. Just realize that the song has its flaws. It's as if you were defending a song about hanging minorities because it has a catchy beat. Look, listen it, enjoy it, but perhaps you should be reminded that Baby it's cold outside is rapey. Embrace it. Know it. Just deal with the reality of it.

THE R WORD

THE R WORD

Okay, I know this may be an awkward conversation, but we should have. And well, it's a long time coming, but we have to tackle the R word as best as we can. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.  Regeneration. No, I'm not talking about the controversial Doctor Who process where a million man babies complain about the swapping gender of a two hearted alien.

I'm talking about the word Retard. 

Oh fuck. I went there. I said it. BAM!  Can't unring that bell. It happened. I typed it. So now I guess it's time to figure out why it's a taboo word these days. Yes, In one small article from a satire blog with occasional serious topics tackles one of the most dividing and triggering words of the modern day.

Let's get to the bottom of it - why is it okay or not okay to say that something is retarded or call someone a retard when they are being a stupid fat head. I can't figure it out exactly myself, but I don't want to upset anyone... well, more so than I already have by typing the above text already.

Again, can't unring that bell. But the way I understand it, it's that it's just not okay anymore if someone who can hear you saying it has a retarded friend or relative. Otherwise, Maybe okay?  Okay, maybe it's probably not OK, but I say it a lot so I don't know, I don't have the strength of my convictions at all on this subject matter.

I mean, at least I didn't go about asking if it's okay to laugh at the commercials for the special olymp.... oh fuck, I'm not even going to go there. Let's just call this whole blog post a wash. I'm sure this will prevent me from viable jobs in the future. Future self me, I'm sorry. Future self employers, this isn't really a proper representation of myself. I'm just going through some things. It's really retarded on how bad my luck has been lately... Oh fuck, I did it again.

At least I didn't suggest betting on them.

Welp, I'm going to hell.

Look, I generally don't have the confidence in my own abilities to arbitrate this sort of shit of a mine field of an issue, but it's a bit of a question on how far we will go as a society. Maybe if we just soften the sting of it a little and be a bit more inclusive and caring when dishing out such words, like, what if we just tried saying Retard-Americans or People of Retardation? I mean, that has to have some sort of sensitivity towards it that folks can't fault you for trying to tackle it, right?

I'm just not sure how retard is any less offensive or insulting than saying someone is an idiot or a buffoon. Shit, the best comparison I have to offer is Mongoloid.

I'm just trying to do my best to figure out why retard is so powerful and why you're not supposed to call someone acting like a retard in public, a retard. But I mean, it just gets yelled out a lot on Xbox live, that and how much my mother sleeps around, so maybe I'm just confused. 

I'm pretty sure that when I'm older, I'll basically be the old person who is insulting people's sensibilities because I'll be saying words like retard long after it is politically correct or socially acceptable to say. It would be like when you talk to an older person now and they say something like Chinaman or black man.. I just see it as I come from a long line of retards and I'm extremely proud of it. Like hell am I going to disenfranchise myself like that.

From what I can tell, Moron, Imbecile, idiot all had a specific clinical meaning for awhile, I don't think they use those anymore in Doctor talk, but you can see where I'm getting to, That even when they changed the word to retard, from there, it branches off into a dozen different alternatives, "cognitively impaired", "developmentally delayed" "exceptional", "english". etc. etc. You get what I'm saying, so saying a blanket Retard as an insult, I guess is the biggest issue. That it's being used as an insult.

Perhaps it's just a case that retard may be one of those words that you either have to reign it in or just go full tits up ahead on. Just have to make sure you use it with just enough gravitas and I mean, realize that if you're using it in extremely high volumes in a crowded restaurant, no matter who you're with, you're probably still going to get some looks for saying it.

Can I just end this discussion with the fact that the word was used in the major motion picture Godzilla featuring Ferris Bueller, so perhaps we should stop being so retarded about this whole situation. What? 1998 words aren't good for us anymore? IT WAS ONLY TWENTY YEARS AGO, YOU RETAR....

AMAZON IS PRETTY MUCH AWFUL BUT WHO CARES CAUSE I GOT PRIME SHIPPING

AMAZON IS PRETTY MUCH AWFUL BUT WHO CARES CAUSE I GOT PRIME SHIPPING

Let's face the harsh reality of things right now - you love buying shit off Amazon, it's dirt cheap and you get it shipped to you within a  few days and hell, they make great shows. But in reality, it's really a shitty company. It pays terribly and it gets a shit ton of handouts and welfare that you folks complain that minorities abuse from our tax dollars. But hey, free prime shipping!

First we have to start off with Jeff Fucking Bezos. He is basically the Lex Luther of super villains and we all just can't grasp that yet. If you listen to the generic boiler plate bullshit spouted off about him, he sees himself as the least important person in the company and he sees himself at the bottom of the rank of the company. But it's total bullshit because guess who is swimming in the cash pool at the end of the day. The whole concept of the inverted pyramid thing that he's on the bottom of in the Amazon fulfillment center is just some way to make the workers feel like they aren't just tiny cogs in a giant machine that will soon be replaced by automated workers.

Your average fulfillment center is filled with 1,500-2,000 full time workers. Stowing and picking and packing and bubble wrapping your shitty orders one by one for thousands of orders daily. Of course they're going to try to sell you on this fact that you are special or else you'd probably kill yourself due to seeing how insignificant your place is in that world.

Workers are pushed for time to fulfill an order and the time rate is set by the managers so that there is far more productivity than just laying about and being lazy. It's a fucking mess and you may as well just be watching a new Pharaoh situation popping up. Every time you place an order, which I'm not saying not to. I'm just exposing how the sausage is made, workers have to rush to get that shit fulfilled quickly or they realize how disposable they actually are.

And disposable they are. Workers are seen by middle management as just expandable in every possible way - Even though they're the important bedrock of the whole thing, they can be tossed aside pretty quickly and the concern for their well being is laughable. Boxes fall on people's head all the time, carpal tunnel sets in and people blow their backs out very frequently.  When all that shit happens it's even more sad that worker's compensation claims just get tossed aside quickly while efforts to fix the safety issues get ignored.

They also get a lot of hand outs from the government and huge bids by the cities they set up in with promises of lots of jobs just get the same $15 min. wage, which for a lot of folks still isn't enough to survive given that cost of living and wage gap is still a major fucking issue. But that's not Amazon's fault, and increasing the pay will ultimately make things cost more. I mean, let's not even address how much bootleg and knock off shit ends up on Amazon sold as real shit.

Look, I'm not saying you should stop ordering from Amazon. Shit, I have a prime membership and tonight I'm happy to see Marvelous Mrs. Maisel return, but I'm just saying that we should be more mindful of what is actually happening to the jobs, and how we shop because we're going down a slippery slope. One we were worried about with Walmart, and for good reason, but Amazon is a pretty pink bow on an otherwise same pile of employee misery shit sandwich and we should be aware how far we're crossing it.

COSTCO - THE FIRST 10 FEET

COSTCO - THE FIRST 10 FEET

So whenever I go into Costco there's some folks trying to sell you on shit that you don't need. I get pretty irritated with the DirecTV guy asking every goddamn time I go in to shop "Hey, you want to heat what we got going on today?" No. You're trying to sling cable that's what you got going on. Be upfront about it. Someone runs into them the first time and they'll think they're going to talk about something Costco has going on. Nope! It's just a goddamn cold approach trying to sale cable. They just need to say something like "Can we talk to you about what DirecTV is offering?" and I'll be a lot better about it.


And I'm sure you'll tell me that they're wearing a DirecTV shirt and standing near a kiosk, but often they aren't and often they're hanging out near the other stack of things and it's just strange and I wonder that for a place I pay membership cost and have to deal with folks looking at my sales receipt every fucking time I leave the store, why do I have to put up with the bullshit of getting ads thrown in my face? Like, I pay for Netflix to not get ads. I pay for other shit to not get ads. Is my membership not good enough now?

These are the things I think about. Yeah, I probably have way too much time on my hands. But also in the first 10 feet of Costco is where you see all the newest and most seasonal shit that you probably need or really, don't need but want because hey, it sounds like it could be useful in the given situation of the current season you are in. I appreciate that. Also that giant bear area was fun for a few months before you got the crack down on folks just leaving them everywhere. Also, who the fuck buys a giant bear? That just seemed odd to me.  I appreciated the worthless sense of consumerism in it, but then again I wondered more to myself... Why?!

I mean, it has been a while since I did a costco post, you realize. So I guess it was only fitting to do one before the Holiday hits and the place is a fucking madhouse even more so than usual. I do hope the seafood road show is back this year. I do ever so love buying fresh seafood.

DISNEY - THE ULTIMATE FANTASYLAND

DISNEY - THE ULTIMATE FANTASYLAND

Pretend I'm your teacher in 4th grade who just doesn't feel like they're up to teaching you shit today and so they wheel in this giant tv cart and put on a movie to kill the time until the bell rings.

Enjoy this.



RIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG

Okay, go away now.

THIS HOLIDAY PARTY SEASON REMEMBER - NO ONE CARES YOU'RE LEAVING

THIS HOLIDAY PARTY SEASON REMEMBER - NO ONE CARES YOU'RE LEAVING

You don't have to make a huge deal about finally calling it a night and going home. Nope, the party last needs you making some grand show for 20 minutes walking around. You can, and just remember this, leave without saying goodbye to anyone.

It's not rude, it's just an Irish goodbye and it's perfectly normal and accepted because again, NO ONE CARES THAT YOU'RE LEAVING.

Look, don't get me wrong, everyone enjoyed your company and your presence at the party was very much noticed and a factor in how cool it was, but there's no reason to let that shit go to your head. You aren't the life of it. You're just a wheel in the cog of it all, taking you out may not fully stop this train from going on, so you can just bounce out if you really want to leave. 

At one point in my life I wanted to make sure that the host knew I appreciated the invite and to secure getting an invite to the next gathering, but the whole idea is simply this - if you were appreciated there, they'll ask you back no matter what. If they don't, then they don't. Move on, homie. You saying your goodbyes can often distract more than it can be a sign of appreciation.

Being a host is also difficult enough as it is, if you have to be working the door and walking folks and hand holding them through it all. You're a big person and if you decide to leave, half the time a goodbye is just a means to get the attention and it leads to fucking never ending conversation. So yeah, it's often better to just slip out the back. The fact that you won't stretch out a goodbye is great in itself.

Look, there's so many reasons to do it and so little reasons NOT to do it. Come on, tell me why you shouldn't just Irish goodbye? I mean, the whole "it's rude" thing isn't really justified as it's very much more of a rude thing to derail the whole way things are going. So, yeah... just Irish goodbye.

that's it. It's Sunday, I'm feeling lazy.

CALVIN AND HOBBES - 2018

CALVIN AND HOBBES - 2018

What would Calvin and Hobbes be in 2018? Just think about it for a second.  Calvin would probably be addicted to Fortnite and internet porn. Hobbes would just be some sort of Japanese phone app where you raise a tiger adn teach it how to date and increase its bust size.

Yeah, sad, but very much true. It was a different time back then. Kids actually went outside and played instead of just being glued to their phones. You know by now, Calvin has been banned from every Minecraft server known possible and his vocab is all about telling other's how fat their mother is. Wait, the more I think about it, he's probably on an incel server so Susie can't join in. He's one of those incel's that totally goes to comic con and rides a suitcase that has a motor in it.

Then again, Calvin's perception of Hobbes would be medicated into oblivion in this day and age. I mean, okay, I'm being mean. I guess this post should have some rules to it, though, that would go against everything Calvinball stands for.

Look, all I'm saying is that even medicated Calvin is okay. You realize that while you may be sad about your childhood being ruined, those pills are the reason why a 31 year old Calvin isn't going "fucking BULLSSSSSHIIIIIIITTTT!" at management in his job, walking uot and then dying of fentanyl over the weekend.

Yeah, this got pretty dark pretty fast. Know why? Because I grew up on Calvin and Hobbes and that is what happens to you. The comic had some dark twist to it. Besides, at least Watterson was smart with one thing and famously was against monetizing his creation and so a bunch of people ended up making money off of it with bootleg stuff instead. Also, this was a time when nobody actually remembers that social satire or the use of symbolism was done in a good way.

In reality, this was just another way to say "damn kids these days, GET OFF MY LAWN!" with some comedy. You fell for it. Congrats. Or should I say, thanks. You just read all my dribble and yet you're still here. Maybe you enjoyed it ? Maybe you just were bored out of your mind. Who the fuck knows. I just have to remember that kids still play outside or something.

Though perhaps some kids could post in here a response to verify that. I'm just not sure.