Sunday, January 6, 2008

52 of the Stupidest Things I Did in 2007

52 of the Stupidest Things I Did in 2007

I do a lot of stupid things. I'm not sure if I'm just a stupid person, or if there is something wrong with my brain, perhaps due to an early injury, like when I fell off that pony at the state fair. Maybe I don't know if I am stupid because I am too stupid to realize it. Oh man now my head hurts.

Regardless of the reasons, I have done a record-breaking number of stupid things this year, and before we can dig the shallow grave for 2007 and move on to riding 2008 for all its worth, I'd like to do a recap of my bloopers. You may wonder why I would want to display these embarrassing facts for thousands of people to laugh at... Ok, for the one or two of you that reads these to laugh at, I'm not sure why either. I just like to do things and think about them later. Right now it feels like ants are eating my brain. Since there's 52 weeks in a year we might as well just settle for one stupid thing done for every week.

1. Made the off hand remark "You know, you guys should get paid more" to a writer a day before the new contract was going to get signed.

2. Invested heavily in China's natural resources, specifically lead.

3. Suggested that Friday Night Lights be shown on Friday night. Whoops!

4. Funneled my 401k investments into an Internet Texas Hold'em gambling pot.

5. Left my heart in San Fransisco in the same back alley in Chinatown that I previous left my kidney, right lung and spleen.

6. Watched all 24 hours of "The Christmas Story" on TBS and suffered a major brain hemorrhage.

7. Became addicted to wine. It's ok though, unlike liquor, if you're constantly drinking wine you're considered "upscale" or "refined" and never simply just "a drunk."

8. Used quotation marks in a lot of places they didn't really need to be in.

9. Made 10,000 "Roctober" shirts that are now sitting next to my Dodgers NL West Champions shirts.

10. Tried to bring back parachute pants but ended up getting into a dance off with MC Hammer. Needless to say, he got served.

11. Made a reference to 2004's "You Got Served" in a joke.

12. Bought and consumed a pickled pig's foot from the old jar at the corner store and saw God. God told me not to eat any more pickled pigs' feet but I did anyway.

13. Showed up to a Tori Amos concert wearing a Dethklok shirt.

14. Started a guinea pig farm but went bankrupt after discovering that guinea pigs provided no valuable resources.

15. Tried to kiss a real girl on a consensual date but ended up causing a major forest fire.

16. Green lit the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.

17. Went on a two month road trip but spent all the time stuck on the 405.

18. Ate fresh sushi in Long the Aquarium of the Pacific

19. Ranch dressing diet.

20. Bought guitar hero because I heard chicks dig dudes who play guitars.

21. Saw Resident Evil.

22. Opened a water slide park in Malibu that turned into a mud slide park.

23. Pitched the idea of a Gobots movie to Paramount only to find out my meeting was scheduled right after Michael Bay's.

24. Two words: Nigerian investment.

25. Signed up for and pretended to be a wholesome and honest person, but once I had a mate snared I showed my true self and beat her daily with electrical cord until she learned karate and kicked me down an elevator shaft. (Coming soon on Lifetime)

26. Lost another loan to Ditech.

27. Cloned 5 versions of myself to split the rent but they ended up forming a Christian speed metal band.

28. Faked the funk on a nasty dunk.

29. With talks of the dollar losing value, converted all my savings into Disney dollars.

30. Asked Kiefer if he wanted me to grab another round of drinks before he had to hit the road.

31. Faked my own death to get out of work for a week but at the funeral my boss noticed I was alive when he saw me configuring my iPod in the casket.

32. Tried to juggle 4 cups of boiling hot coffee and spilled them on my face, horribly scarring me for life, starting my descent into madness and becoming the Gotham's most devious super villain.

33. Made sweet love to a beehive and forgot to call the next day.

34. Got really drunk and kicked a winning field goal in overtime, but for the opposite team.

35. Got really drunk and wrote the pilot to Cavemen. In my defense, it was either that or write an hour long E-insurance show staring Erin Insurance.

36. Got really drunk and ate at Arby's.

37. Went to visit my grandmother at her retirement home and realized too late that I was wearing the following shirt;

38. Downloaded popular music without paying money, thereby helping cause artists like Usher to starve to death.

39. Updated my MySpace.

40. Abstained from sexual relations to get closer to Jesus. When he rejected my advances I went on a binge of coke and hookers.

41. Adopted some Cambodian babies for the tax write-off but lost them at Home Depot.

42. Went to a Star Wars Convention and like so many other nerds, made the silly comment of "That's no moon!" when I saw a giant death star in the middle of the floor.

43. Ignored all advice and calmly walked, not ran, through the jungle.

44. Finally decided to put that corn baller to use. Only to end up suffering the same fate the Bluth family had to deal with. Doctors say the scars will never heal.

45. Tried to grow a Gandalf beard and realized I just end up looking like Castro with facial hair.

46. Ran out of time and accidentally cut the red wire...

47. Passed an e-mail fwd on and had extremely good luck in life, was given Bill Gate's money and created world peace but had all that taken away when the fowarded e-mails never got past folk's spam filters.

48. Got into a political discussion and didn't laugh when Ron Paul was brought up.

49. Deep fried a hot pocket.

50. Did not apply directly to the forehead and caused a bad rash.

51. Made it to the red door but forgot the wizard key.

52. Made a list of the 52 stupidest things I did in 2007

As you can see, 2007 was a year that I constantly told myself that I made a huge mistake. With any luck and the fact that 2008 contains 366 days, I'm sure I'll be making a lot more stupid mistakes than any normal civilized person. I'm sure I'll be post marking my checks March 1st a day too early for example even though I just mentioned February's extra day. So hope you enjoyed this comical rant of my downfalls of 2007. Happy New Year. I'm sure I can say that for another two weeks or so. Hell, if you're Chinese, I can get away with telling you it till February.

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