The Birthday Skeleton

The Birthday Skeleton

Weekend Is Here

Weekend Is Here

You know what, this song has me down solid:



I can't wait for that mother fucker to begin. I mean, let's be real here, I'm turning 32! And in the first time in a really long time I don't give a shit about the age I'm turning. Though, can I address something about the above link I provided?

Yeah, that's objectifying women. I understand that. But it's my Birthday weekend. Regardless on if Easter is overshadowing it like it normally does in some shape or form, it's my birthday weekend and I think I'm allowed to have some objectification tossed into the mix.

On a serious note though, I have to admit that the second half of that video did little to nothing for me. Something about buttoned up shirts is fucking sexy. But tiny bikinis and cloth coverings? Eh, not so much. Sounds strange, doesn't it? But true.

Give me something that my imagination will gladly fill in the gaps.



See that? I think that's far sexier than anything you can find at Victoria Secret where you have bras that push up and out breast to make them seem two sizes way bigger than what they actually are. That's just honest and damn seductive.

Okay. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get crunk cause the weekend is here.

Bar Fly

Bar Fly

With my birthday just a few days away, what better topic to discuss than alcohol. You know, since I'm entering age 32 and I really do feel the need to ramp up my crushing alcoholism problem. I mean, I have all this booze around and yet there's still hours in the day when I'm walking without a stumble.

What is with that?!

Anyhow, let's focus on the name of the game.. or a specific term. BAR FLY. I mean, it's not often that I wonder where a term or phrase came from. But apparently the whole Bar Fly phrase is actually pretty accurate. For you see, rejected male fruit flies will also hit the sauce to drown their sorrows.

Scientists at the University of California, San Francisco discovered that rejected male flies have a tiny neuropeptide F molecule in their brain that pushes them to drink far more than their sexually satisfied counterparts.

The levels of the molecule were higher in sexually satisfied males than in those who got no sex, leading scientists to speculate that their work could shed light on brain mechanisms behind human addiction.

A similar human molecule -- neuropeptide Y -- may also link social triggers to behaviors such as heavy drinking and drug abuse, according to the study published in Science journal.

"If neuropeptide Y turns out to be the transducer between the state of the psyche and the drive to abuse alcohol and drugs, one could develop therapies to inhibit neuropeptide Y receptors," said lead researcher Ulrike Heberlein, a professor of anatomy and neurology at UCSF.

She said clinical trials were underway to determine whether neuropeptide Y can alleviate anxiety and other mood disorders as well as obesity.

For the experiment, male fruit flies were placed in a container with females flies, including both virgins and some that had already mated.

Virgin females were receptive to courting males and readily mated, but females flies who had mated lost interest in sex for a time because of sex peptide, a substance that males inject with sperm during the encounter.

Rejected males then stopped trying to mate, even when placed in the same cage as virgin flies.

But when they were placed by themselves in another container that had two straws -- one containing plain food and the other containing food with 15 percent alcohol -- the rejected males binged on the alcohol.

The scientists said the behavior was predicted by the levels of neuropeptide F in their brains.

"It's a switch that represents the level of reward in the brain and translates it into reward-seeking behavior," said lead author Galit Shohat-Ophir of the Howard Hughes Medical Institute Janelia Farm Research Center in Virginia.

Rejected flies had lower levels of neuropeptide F and sought an alternative reward through intoxication.

The scientists found that they could induce the same behaviors in the flies by genetically manipulating the levels of neuropeptide F in their brains.

Activating neuropeptide F production in the brains of virgin male flies caused them to behave as though they were sexually satisfied, and thus they were less keen to drink.

And lowering the levels of the molecule in sexually satisfied flies made them behave as though they were rejected, inciting them to drink more.

So you see, it's not some crushing alcoholism via genetics. It's just that I've gotten far too many rejections in my life and thus, I want to drink.. and drink a lot. See, I blame you, High School girls who never gave me a chance. I'm talking about you Michelle and Marisol.. and to some degree, you Jennifer!

No wait, I'm not sure if I even knew a Jennifer in High School, but I know I've been fucked over (and not in the good way) by one too many Jennifer's in my day and I'm sure the amount of them that rejected me have totally destroyed years of productivity from my liver. But yes.. bar flies.. are like bar flies..



Not that bar fly. Anyhow, it's interesting that the rejection is what kicks it off. It's a sort of defense to just start consuming alcohol to numb that rejection.

You have to wonder though. I mean, your a fly and you go to sleep next to a butterfly only to wake up with a moth around your arm. Yup, that's the type of night that you've had if you're consuming a thimble full of alcohol.

Then again, that's not going to drive you to drink because it's not rejection. But it will drive you to have beer goggles. Which oddly enough, studies have shown that beer goggles effect women more so than they effect men.



Yes! That's actually true! You see, in a shocking turn of events, it seems that beer goggles have more of an effect on women than men.

It's a phenomenon most often associated with the more than mildly inebriated male. But it seems that it is in fact women who are more likely to be fooled by their 'beer goggles'.

Scientist have worked out why membes of the opposite sex can seem more attractive after a few drinks - and they found that women's judgment was more greatly clouded by alcohol.

Researchers at London's Roehampton University asked more than 100 men and women to rate pairs of faces. Some did the test while drinking a strong vodka and tonic. Others were given a similar-tasting non-alcoholic drink or orange squash.

One of the tests involved looking at faces and stating whether they thought each one was symmetrical or non-symmetrical. Scientist have long known symmetry to be tied to attraction, with a face in which one half mirrors the other seen as a sign of a good genes and good health.

The men and women given the vodka and tonic found it more difficult to work out if a face was symmetrical than those on soft drinks. Researchers Lewis Halsey said: "People that had drink tended to be less good at noticing if a face was asymmetrical, they often saw it as being symmetrical when it was asymmetrical.'

Concluding that women drinkers were particularly bad at this task.You

You hear that, guys? It seems that even you or I can get laid with the power of alcohol now. I mean, sure it'll be ethically wrong to take advantage of someone who has consumed alcohol and has impaired their judgment enough to find you attractive.

But on the flip side, how else are you going to get laid? What do you want to do? Get rejected and start drinking? See, it's either you have them get wasted and find you attractive or they soberly reject you and you get shit faced.

Man, it really is a man vs woman world out there after all.

32

32

I suppose this is a significant number. Actually it's not. If I was ten years older I would probably be giddy and think that somehow I fit in the universe and everything made sense. But since I'm just ten years short of being the ultimate answer, I'll just settle with trying to enjoy my birthday that actually lands on a Saturday this year....

Which is odd because the one year I could probably do something for my birthday is the one year I really have no desire to do anything. Maybe take a hike. Get away from it all and just get some self reflection going as it has been a very rough six months.. or shit, even more. Let's just say 31 was not a very pleasant age. Though I'm pretty sure my age had nothing to do with it.

I mean, generally around birthdays I don't have much to really feel happy about. I'm usually very stressed about something or other. Typically of the fact that I'm getting older and it seems like those life goals are just inching further and further away. This year it has been a bit bad with those feelings but it's also been a factor that a lot of other forces just came in and made those normal birthday blues seem like a moot point.

Maybe I have come to the conclusion that things will eventually work themselves out in the long run. A sort of zen moment of how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb type of thing... Well, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Besides that, life is getting too short for this whole sort of regrets to kick in. Best of all, 32 isn't so bad.. since Apparently 33 is where it's at..

Here's a wildly simple, profoundly interesting question: At what age are you happiest? According to a recent survey, the answer is 33.

Friends Reunited, a U.K. website, found that 70-perfect of respondents over the age of 40 said they did not find true happiness until they were 33 years old

Okay, could I stop this article real quick and just say W.T.F. True happiness? Really? You're not selling the drama a little bit on this one by calling it "true happiness"? I mean, that's a bold fucking statement. But hey, let's see why they feel that 33 is this magical number of pure bliss and awesomeness?

"That age is enough time to have shaken off childhood naivety and the wild scheming of teen-aged years without losing the energy and enthusiasm of youth," Donna Dawson, a psychologist, told Fox's Washington D.C. affiliate. "Innocence has been lost, but our sense of reality is mixed with a strong sense of hope, a 'can do' spirit, and a healthy belief in our own talents and abilities."

As the site pointed out, Jesus Christ was crucified at age 33. Oh, and "33-year-old celebrities like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine and Katie Holmes seem to be enjoying a wealth of success right now."

Wait. I'm going to stop this shit right here and now and just laugh at this shit. Okay, so maybe a few celebrities are having a blast, but let's not say that Jennifer Love Hewitt was just slumming it along all these years till she hit her peak at age 33. She just fucking turned that age. There's nothing to say that at age 40 she won't win herself a god damn Oscar for her massive tits or something and then suddenly, age 40 is the new 33 is the new 24 and what not.

And do I really want to look forward to being the same age as anyone on Maroon 5? I mean, really? I doubt that being 33 had anything to do with those actors hitting any sort of stride. Otherwise the same could be said for any age for any group of actors that are in said age range. It's just stupid. Causation and all that jazz.

So is there others who have some proof of 33 being the bee's knees?

Even non-celebrities agree."It's the sex, definitely," Christine Possemato, a 35-year-old from Springfield, N.J. told the New York Daily News, "You're hitting your stride. You're a lot more confident and you can attract younger guys."

Well, I guess since I haven't had sex at age 33 I wouldn't know. I have to admit that sex at age 31 is pretty snazzy. Then again sex at any age is pretty damn awesome and welcomed. I doubt that it's because you can attract younger partners because you're older. But that from the view down you can pick them off a lot easier due to you already having been there/done that sort of thing.

Either way, it seems pretty silly. Or maybe I'm just being defensive because I'm only turning 32 and not 33. 33 would be another year away before I could have all that awesome sex with younger guys.. wait.. what?!

Anyhow, since I didn't really do much of a Christmas list this past year on account that it completely was a vacuum of suck-a-tude, I guess it's not really known what I want for my birthday.

A Stetson Hat - What, they're cool. Okay. Besides being one of those things ultimate badass cowboy types wear in westerns, it the Doctor in BBC's Doctor Who wears one. Besides that, have you seen Justified? I mean, there's nothing cooler than Raylan Givens wearing one. Then again I'm pretty sure I would not be 1/100th as cool as Timothy Olyphant.

Money - Why the fuck not. I have been bleeding whatever little money I have had for the past few months to making ends meet. I could use some financial breathing space. Or perhaps a vacation. Who the fuck knows.

Know what, forget the money. Forget the Stetson - okay, maybe NOT the Stetson, those are cool. I really don't need much of anything. Most of all, I really don't value material shit anymore. I have way too much crap in boxes sitting here. I want life experiences. I want to travel some more. Get lost out there in the world and discover myself through other people's shoes. You really can't put that into a box and place a nice bow on it.

I mean, I have these personal projects that I need to complete and I really hope I complete them soon. I realize the place that I'm in right now, for 30 years before me, was a pipe dream of getting fixed up. Then I came in and took it upon myself and I fear that it'll be another 30 years of fixing it up. How sad would that be...

But I'm not going to let that happen. Time to move all this shit out of here and fix my life some, one step at a time. It may not be 33, but I'm sure as shit going to make sure 32 is a good year.

The Dream of the 1890's

The Dream of the 1890's

You know, it's been a couple of weeks since Portlandia ended their second season and I have to say, I miss it. Where else can I get my fill of openly mocking hipsters... or in the case of Portland, regular residents of the area?

I mean, seriously, that show was a great satire on the whole hipster scene that seems to have embrace and take over looking like if the 90's never ended. And in many cases, the 90's never did.. The 1890's that is...



Oh so true...

You know, I sort of wish it were the 1820's. Then I could be a steamboat captain. But if it was the 1920s one can be a dashing young aviator who won't see 1930 cause that shit is made of old rags and bailing wire and LOL, we ain't figured out how stalls work yet. such a romantic firey death...

At worse, I wish it were at least 1999, in a world about to get owned by a Y2K bug instead of 2012 in a world about to be epic by new-age misrepresentation of Mayan calendar.

Bread Hat

Bread Hat



WHEEEEEEEEEERE'S YOUR BREAD HAAAAAAAAT WHERE'S YOUR BREAD HAT WHERE'S YOUR BREAD HAT-AT-AT-AT-AT-AT-AT

Yeah, I'm sure this makes not one lick of sense to 99.999999% of the people. But you LF folks.. yeah, word up.

An April Fools Are You

An April Fools Are You

So you're probably wondering why you're on the internet today. I know I am. How many websites are doing April fool's pranks that just make you roll your god damn eyes at how stupid they are? I think mine hit the back of my head twice.

Anyhow, let's ignore all those silly change of websites because, well, we have better things to do. Like think of ways of pulling a prank on each other. April fools are great. My friend was going to feign suicide for an April Fool's Prank, a feigned hanging had things gone according to plan, but the joke was on him because he was mauled to death by a pack of stray dogs. Oh classic Doug. Rest in Peace.

Anyhow, since I'm an explosion of creativity, here's some random ideas you could probably pull of without looking like a complete tool....

Okay, I lied, you'll look like a tool regardless all because you're pulling an April fool's prank. but at least you'll potentially laugh at someone else expense.

• Fake an announcement on Twitter about a patch for the ending of Mass Effect 3. Though make sure you say some random cost cause no one will believe that a patch to fix something broken will actually be free.
• Write a text message saying "Hey, I found out what you've been saying about me behind my back and I'm not sure how I should react to it" and send it to everyone in your contact list. Everyone talks shit about everyone behind their backs, so someone is bound to fall for it.
• You can take a screen shot of someone's computer, drop their task bar and replace the background with it. It's such a simple thing and yet it fucks with people every single time as they try and try to click on those damn icons.
• Tape down the phone receiver so that when they pick it up, it'll still be ringing.
• If it's chilly where you live, you should buy a container of cotton balls and put them in a bowl. Pour an inch of water in there so the cotton balls get soaked and then sneak them onto the friends car/house windows. They'll freeze on there and be very tough to remove in that state, but be easy to remove and essentially harmless once it warms up or if you pour warm water on them.
• You could always open a Craigslist ad offering something strange and just put the victim's phone number as the contact list.
• For those cars with the annoying decal with the stick figure family members on the rear windshield, just get a grease pencil and cross out one child and write a future date above it.
• Simple solution - Red food dye in the boss's coffee. It'll turn their mouth red.
• It's common knowledge that refrigerator door handles can be unscrewed and screwed on to the side with the hinges. Do this to your office refrigerator and watch everyone try to figure out how the fridge was cemented shut.
• Simple prank in the office - reverse the mouse button functionality. Poor IT guy has to now fix everyone's shit.
• You could always have fun in the office with Auto-correct in word by changing a persons name to 'unrepentant pedophile'. Hilarity ensures.
• You can go the harmless route and just put a rubber band on the nozzle of a sink sprayer to spray the person who turns it on.
• Comedy strange option - woo your girl, and when you get to the bedroom, tell her you want to do it from behind doggy style. Then get on the bed on all fours, and look at her in confusion when she does the same.
• You can always just get a live trap, one trapped raccoon, add in a gift wrapped box holding said raccoon and then leave the aforementioned "gift" at the local school for the mentally challenged kids playground.. COMEDY!
• Or you could just turn down the water heater so they get halfway through their nice warm shower..

Anyhow, at this moment I would like to just say that this will be my last blog post as I'm stopping at once...



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APRIL FOOLS!

Oh wait, you want me to stop? Hmmm, um. okay. damn.