LAW & ORDER - JR EDITION

LAW & ORDER - JR EDITION

Honestly, I don't even want to write this piece because it just makes me so fucking sad, mad, depressed and well, any other misery you can think of. But here's the start of an AP article I was reading this weekend. Let's see at which point life become meaningless and just a mess for you in processing the words written

PHOENIX (AP) — The 1-year-old boy in a green button-up shirt drank milk from a bottle, played with a small purple ball that lit up when it hit the ground and occasionally asked for “agua.”

Then it was the child’s turn for his court appearance before a Phoenix immigration judge, who could hardly contain his unease with the situation during the portion of the hearing where he asks immigrant defendants whether they understand the proceedings.
“I’m embarrassed to ask it, because I don’t know who you would explain it to, unless you think that a 1-year-old could learn immigration law,” Judge John W. Richardson told the lawyer representing the 1-year-old boy.

This is America. This is us now. What the fuck is wrong with us, man. Is the fear that this baby will come take your jobs, eat your welfare programs and suck the blood out of your cattle that strong that you are okay with this nonsense?

What the hell have we become? Why. What in the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuckskdjasldkasjfkadshfaslsald

There is literally no words in my mind for the bullshit this all just results in. So unneeded. So spiteful. So.. fucking sad. The whole of the country will have a black eye because of the actions of the administration for the next many decades. Especially with the new pick any minute now.  But come on, are we really a nation that requires a diaper wearing child to stand in front of a judge and defend themselves when it was not even their choice to cross those imaginary lines?

As a judge, how do you just not stand up and walk out on your job when that is presented in front of you? I don't think there is enough liquor at home to wash down that dirty feeling after a shift, and I have sat through many court rooms where they had to deal with some serious bullshit. I know justice can be blind, but this is just taking it levels above that to a whole new world.

But hey, at least those kids will somehow be reunited with their fol..... oh fuck me.   Apparently with a Tuesday deadline to reunite 100 migrant toddlers with their parents, the Feds have reunited a whole 2. They say that the wheels of justice are a rather slow grind, after all. But fuck. This is why sweeping reform and change to how we handle immigrants is needed before you just start blowing it all up.

I wish this was the worst thing I was going to be reading today, but we have Trump's supreme court nomination to deal with tonight as well. So fuck everything.

Harlan Ellison

Harlan Ellison 

Much like power respects power, crankiness respects crankiness. In this case, while I still haven't come to full terms with the suicide of Anthony Bourdain, don't you worry, the heartfelt post about him is to come. I did want to just quickly talk about another loss in this world of greatness..   Harlan Ellison.

I have to tell you the truth here, I thought he was already dead. It hadn't even occurred to me that he was still alive and being the cranky old self he is. I just had assumed that he was, like, in his 80's when I first discovered his work in my early youth.

There was a shit ton of amazing stories I have heard about him and his pettiness. For example this gem that when a publisher broke a contract by allowing a cigarette ad in one of Ellison's books, Harlan mailed him dozens of bricks and a ripe dead gopher. The point of the bricks was that they were mailed postage due and he used the most expensive shipping. In fact, he was so petty that he recalled exactly how many bricks he sent.  213 to be exact. 

So now the world is a little worse, and a lot less angry. May you be giving L. Ron Hubbard shit in the great beyond. Because I know that's the first thing he would be doing. What a fucking cranky asshole. But you know what, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream fucked me up as a youth and I will constantly reflect on it through out my life if at all possible when I'm an old and dementia ridden cranky asshole like him. Though I fully well know I can't even hold a candle compared to Harlan.

My favorite is how hee basically pissed of James Cameron to no end.



I love that all the subseuqent releases had to legally be required to contain the single additional credit  "Acknowledgement to the works of Harlan Ellison". What an amazingly tiny victory. It's really the goal of any one who has any pettiness in them. I guess I just like the fact that he stuck it to James Cameron. And I speak as someone who is both an Aliens and Terminator fan.

He also was pissed at Disney, because of course he was going to be.

I had been fired after working for the Disney empire for a total of four hours, including lunch.
The lessons here cannot be avoided.
Big business is humorless.
And . . .
At Disney, nobody fucks with The Mouse.

I mean, if you ever enjoyed A Boy and His Dog, or all the stuff that was inspired by that such as Mad Max, Fallout, or anime like Fist of the Northstar, then you need to pay the man some respect. Even if he probably chewed you out for somehow wronging him. 
 
He was such a cranky son of a bitch. I mean, he probably was a real pain in the ass in real life, but all of the stories I read of him are just amazing. I got to honor the guy in some small way. He just took everything so fucking seriously that it's comical. Like the time he first got online and found his stories on some websites, so he decided to sue AOL because they were obviously responsible for everything on the internet.

In the end, the guy wrote amazing literature that inspired and fascinated people for generations. It's really sad that he's just remembered as a Star Trek writer, because he was so much more. He lived till the ripe age of 84 and then kicked it in his sleep. God damn, that sounds like one hell of an amazing life.

If only we all could be so lucky.         

KEN BURN PRESENTS: THE SECOND CIVIL WARS

KEN BURN PRESENTS: THE SECOND CIVIL WAR LETTERS

A few days ago we celebrated the birth of our nation. And regardless of what current status of shambles it is in, I think we can all say with certainty that we aren't starting another civil war just yet. I mean, someone try convincing Alex Jones about that...

Anyhow, this resulted in a twitter hashtag that, well, at the very least with all the shitty news going around, did create a bit of an escape for me in terms of my sanity. I had a good laugh or two when looking up how everyday folks were living out the Civil War. It made me almost want to have Ken Burns do a documentary all about it. Yeah, it'll be an epic 10 parter that no one "really" wants to sit down and see. But it will have a pretty wicked soundtrack done by Trent Reznor, because what else does he have to do besides tour?

While I still think that it's in poor taste to want a second civil war solely for the fact that we still haven't fully resolved and gotten over the first one, When will that south rise again, buddy? I think they are still funny and found below are some of the #CIVILWARLETTERS that got me chuckling a good amount.

We have fought them at the Battle of Martha’s Vineyard. We have fought them at farm-to-table eateries and in the teashops. As God is My Witness, we will fight them at Whole Foods.

My brothers and sisters: I regretfully report that I will not be able to make it to the battlefield for the #SecondCivilWar. I was drafting battle plans in a Starbucks when I was arrested for not buying anything. You must stay strong in my absence.

General DeGrasse Tyson had our battalion dress as climate change, and we easily slipped past the MAGA fortifications. They refused to believe we had arrived until it was too late.

Darling,
While this war has been tiresome, I don’t expect it to last. Red Hat casualties are mounting. They choose not to treat their wounded brethren, instead they just scream “I’M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE” & leave them for dead. Yours Always,

 Dear sister,
I am safe. We were attacked by a group of redcaps armed with unsolicited dick pics. But once we rejected them, they fled, shouting that we were ugly bitches who no one would want to fuck anyway. Fort Male Ego may be weaker than suspected.

 When Donny comes marching home today,
It’s yuge;It’s yuge!
The battle with libs he fought today,
It’s yuge; It’s yuge!
Oh the tweets will fly,
while he eats his fries
He’ll feed his MAGAts a feast of lies
And on Fox they’ll say that
It’s News!
It’s News!

Dear General Rodham,
we have gained on the enemy by building a wall of your emails, which they can't get over.

My love,
My unit, the 42nd Bisexual Brigade, has raided Hobby Lobby for supplies. We came away with all the useful craft supplies & left behind the giant crosses. Mission went well as the MAGAs do not believe we exist & refused to acknowledge us. Home soon

 And finally, the one that really mattered;

Dear Queen Elizabeth-
we may have made a mistake a few hundred years ago, just wondering if you might consider taking us back. Could we at least borrow William and Harry and their spouses? We don’t seem to have a first family

Ultimately, this next one is the one you should be really keep in mind. 

We've just heard from the front lines that we need to regroup and report to the nearest voting precinct on Tuesday, Nov. 6th where we will launch our second assault. Spread the word, we need all votes on deck. Victory is in our hands!

Come November, you can help stop the bleeding that America is currently going through. So, yeah. Vote.

BEAT THE HEAT - HAXOR DIS WEITHER RITE

BEAT THE HEAT - HAXOR DIS WITHER RITE

As you probably are aware of by the fact that your alarm clock literally melted when you tried to press the snooze button this morning, Southern California is going in to a heatwave. And not one that just burns in the heart - That's acid re-flux and you should probably take some medicine for that.

The next two days are going to be burning up the record temps in SoCal, so it's high time you find some means to stay a little cool and not completely die of the elements. If this is any indication of the future that is in store for us as global warming makes itself more known, I think we just need to adapt to the sort of new normal that is this heat wave. 

With that being said, I think I'm a smart enough dude to tell you whats up in the least possible Mansplaining way I can try to crank out of me. By be warned, it may contain some shocking truth bombs so real, that you'll have to check all reality itself to think if I'm full of it or if I'm really on the level and just being "Too Real" for all of ya.

So without further wait, I present you some of my helpful HEAT HACKS to HACK THE WEATHER SYSTEM TO THE EXTREME:

Take advantage of free AC Centers.  Walmart may be a great place to buy an "Impeach 45" shirt, but it's an even better place to get your free air condition on. All you do is go into the opening doors and stand there. Don't mind the elderly greeter who is looking at you funny. Whenever someone walks in, those full blast of AC will hit you and allow you to forget all of life's problems.

See, even though the store has questionable ethics and is part of the reason the whole economy is in the state that we are in, they can do some good. The only negative side to this is that the elderly greeter may engage you with small talk about how his generation was awesome and all you young punks need to get real jobs. Just nod you head when he gets in to the topic about how his social security doesn't cover things like they used to and maybe take away the perspective of better retirement investing from the lesson of this free Air Conditioned area. - Just kidding, no one in our generation is ever going to retire.

Do not look directly in to the Sun.  I don't even know why I have to remind you this. You're not that foolish, are you? If you stare in to the sun your eyes will glaze over and retinas will burn with the fire of a million Mustang cars reeving up. So perhaps you shouldn't stare in to the sun. This is helpful advice on days like this as well as days that are just normal and not blistering hot. Just don't do it, okay? 




STAY HYDRATED -  Much like how you should stay woke. remember to stay hydrated. Even when you're not thirsty you should be seeking water. We are in the California desert after all and you should always be looking for more sources to quench your thirst. Always remember, free water is everywhere. Just go in to any fast food joint and get a cup for water. They'll assume you're just going to get some soda from the machine, but actually get water. It'll blow their fucking minds to no end that someone isn't stealing soda via the free cup for water trick. Honestly, that's the more impressive part to this hack, seeing the reaction on their face when you actually just get water. Their lives as a fast food slinger has already become number to the fact that people are always going to steal soda from them.

Anyhow, the flip side to all this is that you should also be cautious to the fact that water is a harsh mistress. DO NOT, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you and you will resent its absence.  As countless Mad Max and other post apocalyptic films have taught us.

Crash in to a fire hydrant.  I constantly see this on old movies on TCM. Where kids in the big city like New York just break up a fire hydrant and use the spewing contents as a means to stay cool. I never actually did it myself and always wondered the merits of such vandalism, but it does seem like a cheap way to get free water and to stay out of the heat. Sure, it effects the cities infrustructure to the point of making it a hazard if there was an actual fire around. But come on, who doesn't like nostalgic fun like what is seen in the movies?  Side note, probably DON'T crash in to one and just use a big wrench to open one up.

Do not call the police on the black folks grilling in the park. I mean, this is one for all you white readers out there. It has very little to do with the fact that it's hot out and more to the fact that why you tripping so much lately and calling the cops like you got it on speed dial. Just stop. They're trying to escape the heat as well and you calling the cops on them just gonna wreck up their day something serious. Not to mention that it adds pressure on you, entitled white person, and the last thing you need on a day like today is to sweat more than you already are doing so because of the weather. So just let them be, yo.



Wipe responsibly - It's hot and depending on the type of heat be it humid or dry, you may want to just forget toilet paper and go with some wet wipes to get the job done in cleaning yourself after..... getting the job done in the bathroom. Your ass will thank you later, I assume. I'm not sure how one's own butt could be appreciative.

STAY COOL BY BEING COOL.  Perception is everything, after all. So to stay cool you gotta be cool. Or at least feel cool. What better way to stay cool than by going somewhere that is nothing but - A Tiki bar.  I can't think of anything more cool than a nice tiki bar. Little umbrella drinks and cool mugs just scream really coolness. And sure, people say that you shouldn't drink stuff with a lot of sugar on hot days like this, by the fifth Mai Tai, you won't even know where you are, let alone that you are sweating your balls off. So by all means, go to a tiki bar.


You should also be aware of the signs of dehydration during these times.  They include
-Dizziness
-Faintness
-Headaches
-Muscle-cramps
-Thinking that 311 is a cool band
-Wondering if you should sport a man bun
-Wanting to go see Mamma Mia 2
=You start seeing animated characters telling you to burn things



Things you should totally rock when its hot outside like this
-A Hat. But wear it straight and not backwards.
-Tank top or other loose fitting clothing. Unless you're a goth, then stand strong with your black, bro. No one gonna judge. Not like you care if the normies did anyway.
-Sunglasses. Worn in front of you. You're not cool enough to wear them on the back of your head nor will they be helpful
-Sunscreen/Sunblock.  I mean, unless you just like harsh pink sunburn look.

Make sure you protect your pets from this weather. Don't take them out and pretend they're service dogs. Everyone already just assumes you're full of shit and just want to have your fur baby with you at all time. Just stop it, Chad. No one believes that little furry rat is a goddamn animal that provides any sort of emotional comfort and well, it's getting a bit old, if you ask us. Leave your pet at home where they belong, Goddamn it.

Also, as much as you hate to call your parents, call them. The elderly are really endanger from this heat and unless you already locked in that really sweet Will you need them around and should call them to see if they are taking the extra steps to stay alright in this extreme weather.

The other random things I could think about are simple. Fill up a kiddie pool with ice, cold ones and water and just lay there all day in the shade until the whole thing blows over or you can't remember your own name from too much booze.

Keep lotions in the fridge and eat spicy food as both of those will somehow make you cooler. I mean, if itt's hotter in your mouth than it is outside, than you'll think everyone is a punk ass baby and just be a boss. Know what I'm saying. Also toss in your underwear in to the freezer. Sure, you'll have to explain shrinkage and all, but man, you haven't lived until your ass is colder than ice.

You can go to the movie theater and watch something to escape for two hours at a decent price. But like I said before, why the fuck would you go see Mamma Mia 2? What the fuck is wrong with you. I mean, Antman and Wasp came out today. Go see that. You'll feel a lot better and you won't pray that the heat killed you after it like you would with Mamma Mia 2. 

If this heat wave has taught you anything by now, it is that maybe you should be a nicer person to others and not sin so much. It's pretty clear that you can't handle this level of heat, how the fuck do you think you'll be able to handle Hell in its normal degrees.

GO AWAY, SECOND MONDAY!

GO AWAY, SECOND MONDAY!

I mean, no one likes you! What a rip off! Here we all were blowing stuff up, eating good hot dogs and talkin bout how great America is and now we're back to work.  We already had a Monday this week and it sucked as it got in the way between a weekend and the 4th by two whole days. Now you're telling me that I need to drudge along this work place for two more just to make it to the weekend?

No fair. I call foul. Ain't nobody got time for a second Monday. It should totes be against the law that one week could have two of them. I thought we were making America great again. Not like this, Not like this at all!

So what's the solution here? I mean, we already had one Sunday this week. That crushing feeling like the weekend is already over and you'll have to go back to the grind the next day. I don't even want to think about how soul crushing it'll be when Sunday part 2 happens in a few days. At the very least that one comes with the enjoyment that we'll have a Saturday to enjoy all up in there. Not like yesterday's Sunday, which totally didn't have any sort of build up and was just some coke binge of a weekend all in one day.

This is why everyone hates these mid week holidays. It just throws the whole goddamn system off. If it was only one day in either direction, it would have been so perfect. Then folks can make that elusive 4 day weekend either way they went with it. Now only the shady of shady folks will just try to go for the greedy level of a 9 day weekend. Something that is so rarely pulled off that you would have to be a little nuts to try.

I get it, you can't control when the fourth of July lands. It's the actual date and you can't just move the birthday of your country's independence... or can you?  I know this is just some second Monday morning quarter backing, but why the fuck didn't we just do that?

We should have just celebrated it a few days early. Or shit, I know this is just going to sound crazy to you, but much like how most white women do with their birthday, why the fuck did we not celebrate it for the whole entire month of July?  Come on, I know those crazy Europeans have a summer break from life. I mean, not much of a life when you're drinking wine all day and insulting American tourist, but you know, like they do. We should just close up America for the entire month of July - Not in the way of not allowing folks in or out, but I mean, you know, just say we'll be back in 15 minutes sort of smoke break in the back alley. I feel like as a whole with the news from the last couple of weeks, we could really use that moment or two to collect ourselves and just go "Why are we like this?"

Then, you know, continue to eat our hot dogs and burgs, blow shit up and just get back to it all refreshed come August.. Ain't nobody got time for this sort of mad rush weekend in a day in the middle of the week sort of situation that we just had to go through.

So yeah, think about it. Maybe we'll try it next year. Until then, just try to get through this goddamn second Monday with your sanity and realize that we have at least a second Friday tomorrow. Which I mean, isn't the best since Friday is just build up anticipation towards the weekend, Something special that comes after a long five days of a week... now.... sort of cheapened by the fact that we just had it yesterday.

I'm  just all sorts of confused right now. 

Pledging Allegiance - All About Capitalism

Pledging Allegiance - All About Capitalism

I mean, I guess this should have been realized. The Pledge of Allegiance was all about tapping into that capitalism. Boom!

Freedom

FREEDOM

On this day we celebrate our freedom from persecution of a tyrant, I just want to say one thing -  What the fuck are we celebrating?  This is a bit of a fucking sham. I get it, I like exploding things as well. My eyes light up when I see a big firework just explode in the sky, but if that's what you're celebrating today, than that's cool. Own that. But let's not kid ourselves that we can embody any of the spirit of the day we are honoring when we currently are in the state that our nation is in.

Do I have to even mention that we're separating families in what has to be described as nothing short as sadistic? This is not anywhere near close to what the freedom we fought for was about. I know you probably can't read this letter, but yeah.. I can't celebrate the birth of this Nation when this stuff is happening right now and we sit by doing nothing.

Journalist who went and toured some detention facilities in Texas were not allowed to photograph or interview immigrants, so last week The Times asked volunteers and the attorneys visiting detained immigrant parents to express their questions in written form. More than a dozen mothers at the T Don Hutto Residential Center, 30 miles from Austin, responded and their words are fucking crazy.

Some women described their perilous journeys to the U.S. or their experiences in custody. Many said they were never told where their children were being held or their status. Some wrote messages to their children. Some examples:

From Miriam to her son Kennet:

“My son, I write you these words with immense pain in my heart to have you separated from me. But I want you to know that I miss you so much.

“And that every day I ask God that very soon we will be together again. And that they will never again separate you from me because you are the most beautiful thing that God gave me, you, my son.

“And I want you to know that I love you with all my soul, and the biggest thing I ask God is that we will be together. God willing, my son.”

Noyma to her son Dani:

“Hello, hello, son. I want to say that I miss you very much and that I love you and that soon we will be together, that this will be over and that we never will be separated again. I hope to see you soon and that we are with your father…. I don’t want you to be sad. I love you, my son. Until then, I send you hugs and kisses.”

But hey, this isn't even the only way that ICE is separating families. Another way families are being torn apart is pretty slimy. A new wave of workplace raids just cause the kids to remain behind. One 12 year old was left behind and is staying in a mostly abandoned trailer park. He wrote to ICE "I can't live without my Mom. I don't have anybody but her."

Jesus Christ, America. Do you really think you deserve a birthday celebration today when we're in this current situation as a nation?



I can't even say that it's all just on the back of Trump. Even though he's a piece of shit enough to not even want to warrant lowering the flag at half staff to honor those Americans who died in the recent news paper mass shooting. As Trump Declines the request to lower the flags.

I just don't know about you in your ability to chow down on Hot Dogs and Burgers while lighting shit up, but this stuff just makes me sick of this country and the numbness we all have to this by now. I can't even get in to the aspect that Health and Human Service Department has stopped stating how many families are actually getting separated. 

 Goddamn America. God Fucking Damn it.