Friday, July 6, 2018



As you probably are aware of by the fact that your alarm clock literally melted when you tried to press the snooze button this morning, Southern California is going in to a heatwave. And not one that just burns in the heart - That's acid re-flux and you should probably take some medicine for that.

The next two days are going to be burning up the record temps in SoCal, so it's high time you find some means to stay a little cool and not completely die of the elements. If this is any indication of the future that is in store for us as global warming makes itself more known, I think we just need to adapt to the sort of new normal that is this heat wave. 

With that being said, I think I'm a smart enough dude to tell you whats up in the least possible Mansplaining way I can try to crank out of me. By be warned, it may contain some shocking truth bombs so real, that you'll have to check all reality itself to think if I'm full of it or if I'm really on the level and just being "Too Real" for all of ya.

So without further wait, I present you some of my helpful HEAT HACKS to HACK THE WEATHER SYSTEM TO THE EXTREME:

Take advantage of free AC Centers.  Walmart may be a great place to buy an "Impeach 45" shirt, but it's an even better place to get your free air condition on. All you do is go into the opening doors and stand there. Don't mind the elderly greeter who is looking at you funny. Whenever someone walks in, those full blast of AC will hit you and allow you to forget all of life's problems.

See, even though the store has questionable ethics and is part of the reason the whole economy is in the state that we are in, they can do some good. The only negative side to this is that the elderly greeter may engage you with small talk about how his generation was awesome and all you young punks need to get real jobs. Just nod you head when he gets in to the topic about how his social security doesn't cover things like they used to and maybe take away the perspective of better retirement investing from the lesson of this free Air Conditioned area. - Just kidding, no one in our generation is ever going to retire.

Do not look directly in to the Sun.  I don't even know why I have to remind you this. You're not that foolish, are you? If you stare in to the sun your eyes will glaze over and retinas will burn with the fire of a million Mustang cars reeving up. So perhaps you shouldn't stare in to the sun. This is helpful advice on days like this as well as days that are just normal and not blistering hot. Just don't do it, okay? 

STAY HYDRATED -  Much like how you should stay woke. remember to stay hydrated. Even when you're not thirsty you should be seeking water. We are in the California desert after all and you should always be looking for more sources to quench your thirst. Always remember, free water is everywhere. Just go in to any fast food joint and get a cup for water. They'll assume you're just going to get some soda from the machine, but actually get water. It'll blow their fucking minds to no end that someone isn't stealing soda via the free cup for water trick. Honestly, that's the more impressive part to this hack, seeing the reaction on their face when you actually just get water. Their lives as a fast food slinger has already become number to the fact that people are always going to steal soda from them.

Anyhow, the flip side to all this is that you should also be cautious to the fact that water is a harsh mistress. DO NOT, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you and you will resent its absence.  As countless Mad Max and other post apocalyptic films have taught us.

Crash in to a fire hydrant.  I constantly see this on old movies on TCM. Where kids in the big city like New York just break up a fire hydrant and use the spewing contents as a means to stay cool. I never actually did it myself and always wondered the merits of such vandalism, but it does seem like a cheap way to get free water and to stay out of the heat. Sure, it effects the cities infrustructure to the point of making it a hazard if there was an actual fire around. But come on, who doesn't like nostalgic fun like what is seen in the movies?  Side note, probably DON'T crash in to one and just use a big wrench to open one up.

Do not call the police on the black folks grilling in the park. I mean, this is one for all you white readers out there. It has very little to do with the fact that it's hot out and more to the fact that why you tripping so much lately and calling the cops like you got it on speed dial. Just stop. They're trying to escape the heat as well and you calling the cops on them just gonna wreck up their day something serious. Not to mention that it adds pressure on you, entitled white person, and the last thing you need on a day like today is to sweat more than you already are doing so because of the weather. So just let them be, yo.

Wipe responsibly - It's hot and depending on the type of heat be it humid or dry, you may want to just forget toilet paper and go with some wet wipes to get the job done in cleaning yourself after..... getting the job done in the bathroom. Your ass will thank you later, I assume. I'm not sure how one's own butt could be appreciative.

STAY COOL BY BEING COOL.  Perception is everything, after all. So to stay cool you gotta be cool. Or at least feel cool. What better way to stay cool than by going somewhere that is nothing but - A Tiki bar.  I can't think of anything more cool than a nice tiki bar. Little umbrella drinks and cool mugs just scream really coolness. And sure, people say that you shouldn't drink stuff with a lot of sugar on hot days like this, by the fifth Mai Tai, you won't even know where you are, let alone that you are sweating your balls off. So by all means, go to a tiki bar.

You should also be aware of the signs of dehydration during these times.  They include
-Thinking that 311 is a cool band
-Wondering if you should sport a man bun
-Wanting to go see Mamma Mia 2
=You start seeing animated characters telling you to burn things

Things you should totally rock when its hot outside like this
-A Hat. But wear it straight and not backwards.
-Tank top or other loose fitting clothing. Unless you're a goth, then stand strong with your black, bro. No one gonna judge. Not like you care if the normies did anyway.
-Sunglasses. Worn in front of you. You're not cool enough to wear them on the back of your head nor will they be helpful
-Sunscreen/Sunblock.  I mean, unless you just like harsh pink sunburn look.

Make sure you protect your pets from this weather. Don't take them out and pretend they're service dogs. Everyone already just assumes you're full of shit and just want to have your fur baby with you at all time. Just stop it, Chad. No one believes that little furry rat is a goddamn animal that provides any sort of emotional comfort and well, it's getting a bit old, if you ask us. Leave your pet at home where they belong, Goddamn it.

Also, as much as you hate to call your parents, call them. The elderly are really endanger from this heat and unless you already locked in that really sweet Will you need them around and should call them to see if they are taking the extra steps to stay alright in this extreme weather.

The other random things I could think about are simple. Fill up a kiddie pool with ice, cold ones and water and just lay there all day in the shade until the whole thing blows over or you can't remember your own name from too much booze.

Keep lotions in the fridge and eat spicy food as both of those will somehow make you cooler. I mean, if itt's hotter in your mouth than it is outside, than you'll think everyone is a punk ass baby and just be a boss. Know what I'm saying. Also toss in your underwear in to the freezer. Sure, you'll have to explain shrinkage and all, but man, you haven't lived until your ass is colder than ice.

You can go to the movie theater and watch something to escape for two hours at a decent price. But like I said before, why the fuck would you go see Mamma Mia 2? What the fuck is wrong with you. I mean, Antman and Wasp came out today. Go see that. You'll feel a lot better and you won't pray that the heat killed you after it like you would with Mamma Mia 2. 

If this heat wave has taught you anything by now, it is that maybe you should be a nicer person to others and not sin so much. It's pretty clear that you can't handle this level of heat, how the fuck do you think you'll be able to handle Hell in its normal degrees.

No comments: