Sunday, May 5, 2013

Five Cocktails Some Douchebag Moronic Internet Journalist Believes are overrated

Five Cocktails Some Douchebag Moronic Internet Journalist Believes are overrated

Title says it all. I realize that in this modern day and age, any aggregating simpleton can just write a bunch of dribble on the internet and slap the name journalism on it to call it an article, hell, I take full use of that. Though I know the difference between putting out an opinion and just trolling the internet and bar going community.

A difference that internet writer of words, Jenn Wohletz, seems to have either successfully trolled drinkers with, or is just bitter about not getting their drinks fast enough. But with this sort of start to their article, it's hard not to think they're off their fucking rocker;
There is a thin line between self-indulgence and being a dickhead, a line that any bartender could draw for you. On especially busy nights at any watering hole, there is always at least one person who decides to order some outdated or ridiculous beverage that takes up valuable bartender time, makes everyone else wait for their drinks, and earns the irritating imbiber the unofficial -- or official, if you are at some bars -- title of dickhead.

First off, if you're going to a bar on a Friday or Saturday night and are not prepared to have a long wait or be elbow's deep in people, not to sound like a dick, but stay the fuck home. You should know better. Or at least you would if you actually went out enough. Bars get slammed on that day. There's no two ways about it. And if you can't handle a slow battle of getting your drink done whichever way you want it for the amount that they'll charge you, then sit and fucking spin.

The rationale they are using is that it's a dickheaded move to order a slow to make drink in a fast-paced bar. I'm sorry, but now a days in the era of the term mixologist getting tossed around, most drinks take a long time and have complicated ingredients like egg whites and various forms of bitters and garnishes.

What's the first drink on her hit list and why?

This cocktail is called an old-fashioned because that's pretty much what it is, and ordering it at any bar at any time is something only special sorts of dickheads do, because they know it's a pain in the ass to prepare -- there is a sugar cube and muddling involved.
I'm sorry, has this chick actually been to a bar or ever made a mixed drink? Old-fashioned is probably one of the easiest drinks to make. Perhaps if you find the task of muddling sugar, fruit and bitters together before pouring bourbon into it, you shouldn't be a fucking bartender. It's really one of the most easiest drinks to make and my assumption here is that she's trying to be edgy and anti-hipsters who seem to have taken a liking to this classic mixed drink after Mad Men gave it new life

She also mentions that bartenders will roll their eyes at you if you order it. Which to me, if I'm somewhere that rolls their eyes at anything I order, I'm out the fucking door. You're a bartender, not a judge. So you really can't place judgement on what the patron orders. They are your tippers and anyone who does so will probably be out of a bartending gig sooner rather than later.

Strawberry Daiquiri
Only dickheads order strawberry daiquiris (exceptions given to people who ordered them between the years of 1980 and 1989) -- and this means you, too, ladies. This frozen, blended drink should really be made at home, by parents disguising low-grade rum they're serving to friends, and secretly pilfered by teenagers -- because it would take an industrial waste tanker filled with these daiquiris to get anyone drunk enough to do anything really cool or really stupid.
As someone who loves Tiki drinks, I am not going to say this is a bad drink. Yes, it requires a blender to make, but more than anything, what sort of bar really can cater to this request anyway? Ones that can will probably have no problem in giving it to you because they can easily make money hand over fist considering how little actual alcohol they would need to give to you, given how easy it is to mask under the sugar filled stuff.

Top-shelf dry Martini
Dickheads usually order these because they don't know any better, they've seen people order them in movies (shaken, not stirred), and they are convinced that having this particular cocktail in front of them will get them laid all Mad Men-style. Here's the rub -- most bars don't even bother carrying dry vermouth, and the ones that do usually keep it somewhere out of easy reach and will just say "bucket-fuck-it!" and make the drink without it, anyway. Dry Vermouth was used back in the Prohibition era to take the edge off when homemade vodka was distilled in bathtubs and could strip the paint off fire engines.
What fucking place DOESNT' have vermouth? That bar shouldn't call itself a fucking bar and again, if you are a bartender and don't like to take two steps in making a drink, perhaps you should find a new job since making a Martini is extremely easy.

I don't know how to even consider taking any writer seriously if they feel like vermouth isn't a very common item used in any place that would make martinis on any common level. Even to give misinformation on the history of an item, considering that vermouth had been used in martini's long before prohibition. But hey, this moron wants to keep sounding like they actually know anything about bars...

Lime Flavored Beer
Bartenders cringe when they get in cases of bad beer adulterated with lime flavoring, because this stuff is like a dickhead magnet. Dickheads love this crap because it saves them the huge hassle of having to squeeze a fucking lime into their beers; adding an actual lime to a pint of cheap lager takes too much time away from pretending to be a med student with a high GPA. And what if that pesky lime pulp soils the aesthetic integrity of your knock-off polo shirt? This boner-brew is cheap because it tastes like a winning combination of aluminum siding and crack sweat, making your bar tab low and your rep even lower, because paying a dollar a bottle for beer if you aren't homeless or in high school is something dickheads do to avoid a big bar tab -- or a decent tip to the bartenders.
Now given that I love me some good craft beer, I shouldn't defend this one. But let's face it, not every bar can get a keg from Russian River or Firestone Walker. So it's pretty common for them to offer something for those who don't want a mixed drink. I'm also very confused on why the writer is hating on this because it means the patron doesn't have to squeeze a lime into a cheap lager. In fact, the majority of the bitching this fake ass journalist does has little to nothing to do with the actual beer itself or why it's a dick thing to do. I don't care if someone pretends to be a career they aren't. And at worst, what does this do for the bartender in ordering it? It's not very difficult to pop a bottle cap with a bottle opener and be done with it.

You don't have to wait long for the bartender to finish this order up, if anything, order whatever fucking beer you want. Not on tap means it's less time to work on yours and it's a given that you tip a buck a beer. How is doing so considered cheap? I don't even know what to say other than this bitch is stupid.

Which leads us to the last drink item.

Virgin Drinks of Any Kind.
One of the most dickheaded things you can do is order a slow drink in a fast-paced bar, and when you ask for a cocktail that requires a blender and you aren't even ordering alcohol in it, you are wasting the bartender's time, acting like a panty-princess, and holding up the line for people who ordered real drinks.

Forget wanting to hang out with your social group on a Friday night. Don't you know, if you're in a bar and not getting completely shit faced, then perhaps you need to go. Well according to this gal at least. I'm not sure I get it. I'm a pretty big alcoholic, but if someone wants a non-alcoholic drink, more power to them. I'm not one to force it upon them if they don't want to drink. Most of all, their money is still good here, so why the hell not allow them to drink whatever the fuck they want to drink?

How about pregnant women or folks who aren't drinking anymore but want to socialize with friends? I'm sorry, but this women writer is probably everything wrong with blog journalism. It's not based on anything besides some editorial opinion pieces of an uneducated woman who has an axe to grind with her own hangups.

This is a prime example as to why no one will ever take online journalist seriously and it's a rather shame that writers like this give the rest of us a bad name.

Oh yeah, happy fake Americanized Mexican Holiday. Enjoy your taco bell or whatever you're going to try to eat in honor of your gardeners or whomever you feel is Spanish enough for your St. Paddy's day like festivities.

No comments: