Happy Kwanzaa? Bring on Boxing Day!

Happy Kwanzaa? Bring on Boxing Day!

Wait. Does anyone even care about this shit anymore? All I know, it is a holiday where a bunch of black people put on a dashiki and sit around a circle playing the drums. And I dont need an excuse to wear a dashiki.



Kwanzaa is just another example of reverse racism. Why is there a black christmas but not a white one. When will Bing Crosby's vision of equality finally be realized. I know, I know. I'm brown. Why should I care? Might as well stuff my mouth with more Tamales and call it a day. But I say to you, good sir, NO THANK YOU! I ate enough Tamales to kill a small elephant already.



When it comes to Holidays it really should be said that you were more than likely taking a piss when they passed out celebrations if you're stuck with Kwanzaa. As best as I can figure out, it was created in 1966 and it was a seven day celebration for very generic reasons such as family, culture blah blah blah. Seriously, Festivus was created around the same time and you don't see the big movement to make it anything more than some circus side show of a celebration.

And yet Festivus causes bigger news than Kwanzaa

In the world of the TV sitcom "Seinfeld," Festivus is a goofy, high-tension Christmas substitute dreamt up by George Costanza's angry dad. Revelers gathered around an aluminum pole and couldn't leave until someone pinned the head of the household to the floor.

Festivus is still good for a laugh among "Seinfeld" loyalists, even 11 years after the episode was first broadcast.

Funny, but nobody's laughing much about the Festivus pole that popped up under the dome of the Illinois Capitol this week.

"I think it's a mockery," said Dan Zanoza, chairman of the Springfield Nativity Scene Committee.

"If the state's going to create a forum for religion at this time of year, which we do not approve of, this is what's going to happen," said Annie Laurie Gaylor of the Freedom from Religion Foundation.

Even the 18-year-old who created the pole isn't laughing much. State workers, he gripes, set it up too far out of the way for anyone to see.

"I'm halfway thinking about complaining about the location," Michael Tennenhouse said.

Nathan Maddox, senior legal adviser with the Illinois Secretary of State's office, says the state couldn't legally deny Tennenhouse's right to free expression.

Ha! Now that's a Holiday that if I didn't already blog about, I would do so just in honor of it making news in such a troll like fashion. But since it's already over you're going to have to wait till next year to celebrate Festivus.



What does that leave you trying to get out of work for the 26th? Well, don't bother with Kwanzaa. You'll spend half the day off trying to figure out what it even means or what you do on it. You're better off sticking with Saturnalia. A whole week of eating tons of food and worshiping Saturn sounds pretty boss. You can also say you're from across the pond and are celebrating Boxing day.

It's like Soccer in that the world celebrates it but it never caught on in the states unless you slightly alter it. To make the football/futball comparison, it's simply Christmas a day later without all the Jesus allegories. While we're out there returning gifts, they're going out and getting them.

So Happy Boxing Day. I won't even recognize Kwanzaa till Festivus gets a national holiday out of it. Sure, I don't want my banks to be closed yet another day in December, but it's all about being an equal holiday distributor in this world of ours.

Festivus for the rest of us

Festivus For The Rest Of Us

This time of year it can be odd for those of us who don't confirm to any one religious celebration. I'm an atheist who was born into a Catholic family and I work in the film industry, so I'm as good as Jewish. So those two holidays sort of mash up against each other.

In truth, Christmas really doesn't ring all that well with me. The shopping and all the fake good will towards one another as you stomp each other to death to get the latest video game just seems like a contradiction. Hanukkah, as much as I love potato pancakes, just doesn't seem like my thing either. What, with the eight gifts and constant fear that I'll start a fire? Oy! That's why I say bring on Festivus!

In the 3rd century, before the common era, the comic poet Plautus used the term Festivus to refer to "wild celebrations attended by citizens cutting loose on religious holidays." I like the sound of that myself. The modern day Festivus was shaped and reformed in 1966 by Daniel O'Keefe who was a writer for Reader's Digest. The idea just came to his head as a way to celebrate the middle point between the Winter Solstice and Christmas. It also coincided with the day that he and his wife had their first date. What a sucker. I mean, start dating right near Christmas? You're boned for a gift.



He developed it during the 1970s while he researched his book "Stolen Lightning" that really went into the ways that people use cults, astrology and paranormal as a defense against social pressures. How we all came to follow this new cult has all to deal with his son, Daniel, who was a writer on Seinfield, describes Festivus with his family which included the following.

• A wrestling match amount the children in the family.
• The airing of grievances where you present complaints to friends and family about all the ways in which they have disappointed them over the year.
• A Clock in a bag. The meaning of this was lost to history.
• A random yearly theme. "Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?" and "Too easily made glad?" were two Daniel remembers.

This was all kept in the family till 1997 when the Seinfeld episode The Strike first aired. In the show, Frank Costanza said that he saw the need for a new holiday when he was in a department store near Christmas time. He engaged in a tug of war with another shopper over the last remaining doll which he wanted to purchase for one of his young children. Neither customer got the doll; it was destroyed during the battle. Costanza explained: "I realized there had to be a better way." So, he developed Festivus, a celebration for the rest of us.



George Costanza was trying to think of a scam to save money for the holidays gave co-workers fake cards indicating that he made a donation in their name to a fake charity. When it was found out he gave the excuse that he celebrated Festivus and was afraid of persecution.

The changes made to the original festivities were

• A Christmas tree substitute made of plain aluminum pole without decoration as Frank found tinsel distraction.
• The celebration concludes when the head of the family is wrestled to the floor and pinned.

As you can see, it's not that much of a difference. So you have the moment you tell others how they let you down over the year, wrestle heads of family and there's an aluminum pole involved. How could this be a wrong thing? I would wonder why it hasn't picked up in celebration more but in truth, it's gaining some massive popularity. O'Keefer indeed invented a cult and when it comes to holiday celebrations, I'm all for it!

So have yourself a Happy Festivus!