Fried Octopus, Anyone?

Fried Octopus, Anyone?

The World Cup is tomorrow and since Germany isn't playing it they have bigger things on their minds. Such as, how the fuck are they going to cook and eat that fucking Octopus trader named Paul.

BERLIN - Some Germans are calling for a public roasting of the oracle octopus who correctly picked the winner of all six of their national soccer team's World Cup matches -- including a bitter defeat to Spain on Wednesday.

Paul, a two-year-old octopus in a German aquarium, turned into a global celebrity for his uncanny ability to predict the winner of all Germany's matches -- even a group stage defeat to Serbia and an ousting by Spain in the semi-finals.

"Nothing beats grilled octopus," said Dolores Lusch, a Germany fan who works on a Berlin fish stall. "Cut him up in thin slices and grill him on all sides with a dash of lemon juice, olive oil and garlic on it. Delicious!"

Not an ordinarily superstitious people, Germans became believers in Paul's possible psychic powers. The country was shocked and distraught when he picked Spain to win after tipping German wins over Argentina, England, Ghana and Australia.

German newspapers and websites were filled with suggestions of what to do with Paul -- most involved cooking and eating him.

"Throw him in the frying pan," wrote the Berliner Kurier newspaper in a popular sentiment echoed by Die Welt, Sueddeutsche Zeitung, the Hamburger Abendblatt and other newspapers.

What the hell is it with the Germans burning things they don't like? I mean, come on. You're not helping us forget your past any bit with this mindset here.

Okay, that's a little unfair. They didn't eat the Jews. That would have just been barbaric. And what the hell is this shitty writing by Reuters in the article;

Not an ordinarily superstitious people, Germans became believers in Paul's possible psychic powers. The country was shocked and distraught when he picked Spain to win after tipping German wins over Argentina, England, Ghana and Australia.

Not an ORDINARILY SUPERSTITIOUS PEOPLE?!?!? Really? I expect that sort of shit from me and this blog, but you're Reuters, raise it up to your A-game, my friends.



But poor Paul. God, or whatever higher power Germans believe in (Hitler?) gave him a power. The power to predict German soccer game outcomes. He was just using his gifts in a non-inked method. Is it his fault that Germany lost because they didn't give a fuck about controlling the ball or having more possession of it?

Maybe you should have taken Paul out of the tank and put him in front of your goal. God knows that you could have used eight arms to protect it. But then that would be a poor use of this psychic octopus. That's an interesting thing to say and I can't stop saying it - Psychic Octopus.

I just want to point out that Psychic Octopus is now apart of the lexicon of our world's dialogue and I would like to remind you that it's insanely ridiculous - and I love it. Besides, how can anyone ever say it's ridiculous when he delivers results. It's one thing if we were asking people to believe... but the proof is right there. The octopus works. I'm pretty sure that during the Spanish civil war the octipi sided with the Stalinists.



In short, this Octopus owns. You could almost say he.... Octopwns.

But if you Germans are going to cook him up, at least follow this Nigella Lawson recipe in making fried calamari.

Serves 2 as a main course, 4 as a starter

250ml groundnut oil, or as needed, depending on size of pan
500g frozen squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 x 15ml tbsp cornflour
4 x 15ml tbsp semolina
2 tsp Old Bay seasoning (or you can use 1 tsp salt and 1 tsp paprika)

For the garlic mayonnaise:
½ clove garlic
100g best-quality mayonnaise (preferably organic)

Method

1 Heat the oil in a smallish saucepan and, while it’s left to warm up, cut the thawed squid into 1cm rings.

2 Put the cornflour, semolina and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag.

3 Add the squid rings and tentacles and then toss to coat.

4 When the oil is hot enough (when it sizzles fiercely when you drop in a small cube of bread) fry the squid in batches to get the most golden crunchiness. A couple of minutes per batch is all you should need.

5 Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve alongside the fried squid.

© Nigella Lawson 2007 Nigella Express: Good Food Fast,

But before you get your pots and fresh sea psychic, maybe you should see if the guy is right about Spain. Think of it as the ultimate wager. If he is right, consider him the winner and he gets to live. If he loses, then he never was psychic anyway and deserves to get tossed in the hot bath.



But you have to consider this, he's sort of a celebrity now. Look at that Pepsi product placement. He's gone Hollywood all the way from Germany. He'll be the biggest thing since the Hoff. Though you know what happens when fame comes to town.. everyone wants a piece.

Look at this Parrot trying to get in on the action. What the fuck, Polly. We already have a Paul, we don't need another P named psychic. Truly this next animal is the more accurate fake-clairvoyant beast.



What's next? Are we going to get a dog and see if he pisses on either a Netherlands or Spanish flag first. I still stand by the Octopi. They obviously have a greater psychic ability than cats and parrots. Look at them! They just ooze psychicness.

The World Cup - Bust Out Those Vibrators, Ladies

The World Cup - Bust Out Those Vibrators, Ladies

As you may have heard, it's Foot Ball season! Oh wait, let me rephrase that.. it's Futball season! And before you start hating on it, remember that the world cup stopped a civil war in the ivory coast in 2006. So see, this event is a very serious issue and has a lasting impact on the world as a whole. So why is it that something of this magnitude gets an ad campaign like this;



Hmmm. I guess that's some ad.

"Four long weeks of the menfolk doing manly things. Which you women should have no interest in... Warm up those vibrators ladies! Your man's got football fever!!!"

I think we all get that she is blowing off the dust from her toy to get it ready for some schlicking since her man wouldn't be husband-raping her every night now.

Perhaps the motor is smoking because she's wearing the damn thing out because she has a terrible husband/boyfriend who watches football all day instead of pounding her pigskin. Maybe they should have had her blowing the smoke of the non-sports-watching neighbor's dick just to hammer home the point.



Maybe the ad was showing her AFTER the world cup and she hasn't used her dildo in four long weeks because she's been glued to the TV watching the tournament. Maybe I don't know the full extent of the patriarchy... Do vibrators even look like that anymore? I mean, maybe if she stole it from her grandma or something, but that design for rubbing one out seems very out dated.

Either way, it's one smarmy ad, alright. Back to the whole soccer thing. I bet this guy is making the sound you may hear come out of that vibrator lady's room after dusting that sucker off.



What about if she was German?




I guess the lesson here is that it's much better to masturbate during the world cup than to actually have sex. At least that way you can't increase the number of people who has AIDS. The World Cup is going to do wonders for people. Especially those who want to get laid with a 50% chance of catching HIV

The World Cup in South Africa will attract more than just the 2.2 million tourists who have bought match tickets. Up to 100,000 prostitutes will enter the region this summer, an influx which will swell an already out of control industry where an estimated 50 per cent of sex workers are infected with HIV.

With the World Cup about to exacerbate this problem, the regulation and legalisation of which has been much discussed in the papers and politics in the last 12 months, The Independent Online spoke to Ellen Crabtree, 50, from Edinburgh, a VSO volunteer who has been helping sex workers in the region to develop alternative sources of income.

A former marketing manager for Scottish Widows, Crabtree says she “had a great lifestyle” but was “helping rich people get richer.” Since swapping her high flying lifestyle and moving to Johannesburg 18 months ago she has worked with current and former sex workers helping them to develop their literacy and IT skills, in particular helping 6 former prostitutes train as beauticians.

"A combination of arrogance and altruism led me to think maybe I could make a difference,” she says. Now working within the Special Services and Community Engagement team, with particular focus on the Community Care Centre, Crabtree is helping to offer meaningful and effective support for people infected and affected by HIV, whether it be helping to secure migrant documentation, legal consultation for vulnerable people.

Seems pretty clear that FIFA selected South Africa in order to cause a huge number of HIV infections of people from all over the world. Clever girl! First you don't allow no video replay, and now this? FIFA is EEEEVIL! And if you didn't believe me, check out this news story about how FIFA is blocking condom distribution...

Aids groups in South Africa have accused Fifa of banning the distribution of condoms at World Cup stadiums and other venues.

The Aids Consortium and other groups also criticized a block on the distribution of safe sex information at stadiums and fan parks, even though alcohol can be advertised.

South Africa has the world's largest number of HIV carriers, with an estimated 5.7 million people infected – about one in every five adults. There are around 1,400 new HIV infections every day and nearly 1,000 Aids deaths.

Then again, these sorts of things don't really matter to Americans, so why should anyone care. Almost 100 million Americans watch the super bowl every year. Something like 15 million watch the world cup final. Yup, it's a much smaller number. In fact, the cases of HIV beat that with ease!

I guess they really don't want to touch on that aspect of the South Africa problem, right? I mean.. their focus was more on if the infrastructure was well enough for the world cup to even be hosted there. Did they ever complete that gigantic overpass they started building in 1995? Nope! But they sure as hell found a use for it as they put a huge fucking Vuvuzela there that's going to get blasted whenever Bafana Bafana scores a goal.



But let's move on to bigger issues.. like bees. South Africa must really have a bad bee problem since you can hear swarms of them over the game at any given time. Really making this sport a few more notches more dangerous than previously expected.


Vuvuzela or swarms of bees?

What's a god damn Vuvuzela? Well it's a really annoying thing that sounds like a swarm of bees is invading the soccer game. You'll just have to take the word of this guy in the next video link here;



Oh yes, it's going to be a great World Cup. Hope to enjoy as many as the games as possible, given the fact that you'd have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to enjoy.

Happy Kwanzaa? Bring on Boxing Day!

Happy Kwanzaa? Bring on Boxing Day!

Wait. Does anyone even care about this shit anymore? All I know, it is a holiday where a bunch of black people put on a dashiki and sit around a circle playing the drums. And I dont need an excuse to wear a dashiki.



Kwanzaa is just another example of reverse racism. Why is there a black christmas but not a white one. When will Bing Crosby's vision of equality finally be realized. I know, I know. I'm brown. Why should I care? Might as well stuff my mouth with more Tamales and call it a day. But I say to you, good sir, NO THANK YOU! I ate enough Tamales to kill a small elephant already.



When it comes to Holidays it really should be said that you were more than likely taking a piss when they passed out celebrations if you're stuck with Kwanzaa. As best as I can figure out, it was created in 1966 and it was a seven day celebration for very generic reasons such as family, culture blah blah blah. Seriously, Festivus was created around the same time and you don't see the big movement to make it anything more than some circus side show of a celebration.

And yet Festivus causes bigger news than Kwanzaa

In the world of the TV sitcom "Seinfeld," Festivus is a goofy, high-tension Christmas substitute dreamt up by George Costanza's angry dad. Revelers gathered around an aluminum pole and couldn't leave until someone pinned the head of the household to the floor.

Festivus is still good for a laugh among "Seinfeld" loyalists, even 11 years after the episode was first broadcast.

Funny, but nobody's laughing much about the Festivus pole that popped up under the dome of the Illinois Capitol this week.

"I think it's a mockery," said Dan Zanoza, chairman of the Springfield Nativity Scene Committee.

"If the state's going to create a forum for religion at this time of year, which we do not approve of, this is what's going to happen," said Annie Laurie Gaylor of the Freedom from Religion Foundation.

Even the 18-year-old who created the pole isn't laughing much. State workers, he gripes, set it up too far out of the way for anyone to see.

"I'm halfway thinking about complaining about the location," Michael Tennenhouse said.

Nathan Maddox, senior legal adviser with the Illinois Secretary of State's office, says the state couldn't legally deny Tennenhouse's right to free expression.

Ha! Now that's a Holiday that if I didn't already blog about, I would do so just in honor of it making news in such a troll like fashion. But since it's already over you're going to have to wait till next year to celebrate Festivus.



What does that leave you trying to get out of work for the 26th? Well, don't bother with Kwanzaa. You'll spend half the day off trying to figure out what it even means or what you do on it. You're better off sticking with Saturnalia. A whole week of eating tons of food and worshiping Saturn sounds pretty boss. You can also say you're from across the pond and are celebrating Boxing day.

It's like Soccer in that the world celebrates it but it never caught on in the states unless you slightly alter it. To make the football/futball comparison, it's simply Christmas a day later without all the Jesus allegories. While we're out there returning gifts, they're going out and getting them.

So Happy Boxing Day. I won't even recognize Kwanzaa till Festivus gets a national holiday out of it. Sure, I don't want my banks to be closed yet another day in December, but it's all about being an equal holiday distributor in this world of ours.