New Years is Such Over-hyped Bullshit

New Years is Such Over-hyped Bullshit

I mean, seriously. Is there any other day that has had so much hype behind it that you must simply do the ultimate in ultimate or else you totally failed behind it? It's the same shit every year.. you're just coming off the stupid Christmas shopping craze and finally feeling like your teeth aren't going to fall out due to all the sweets you ate and then it's all about planning New Years Eve.

Because, you know, you have to make it the most magical of moments in the whole wide world or your coming year will be nothing but total shit. That's the concept here. The whole notion that the first few minutes of the new year has any baring on how the rest of the year is going to go. I just don't get it.



Maybe it's because I'm from the West Coast. By the time the new year rolls around on Los Angeles, New York and the majority of the rest of the world has already stepped into that time machine and is living and sleeping in 2011. Not me, in years past I've stayed at home and enjoyed Coast 2 Coast AM's new years prediction shows with Art Bell and laughed at the morons calling in.

I think the biggest travisty is the whole kissing at midnight. But that's one of the many superstitions that we seem to have about the new year. Perhaps I should get into them in this blog post. Not like I'm doing much anything else...

Kissing at midnight has its basis on the whole notion that we are suppose to kiss those dearest to us to ensure those affections are carried on through the new year. Not kissing your SO at midnight must mean that you are going to live the next 12 months with some cold feelings or it's foreshadowing problems...



The other idea is that if you don't kiss someone at midnight then you'll be lonely the rest of the year. Which seems like the catch 22 that I faced when I first got into the film industry. You needed to be a union member to get on a production. But you couldn't be a union member unless you had a certain amount of hours under your belt... So, the only way to make sure you're not lonely in 2011 is to make sure you have a date on New Years... You need a date in order to secure more dates for the future in a sense.

Yeah... So in short it's basically a chain letter that we have been carrying on as tradition all this time. Did you know the other tradition of opening all your doors and windows at midnight? See, not as popular as kissing some hottie at the party you're at, but this one sounds far more sound.

The idea is that you're letting out the old year in all the ways and aspects by opening all the doors and windows and flushing everything that the old year is potentially leaving behind will be gone. Not doing so will make it so that the old year and all that it has brought stays and the new year and all its potentially isn't allowed inside. Yes, this sounds fucking insane, but hey, it's tradition!

There's a superstition that the reason why we make loud noises at midnight is to scare away bad spirits. Again, how is it we got anything done ever with stupid shit like this floating around?



At least the next one is useful. There's a tradition in stocking up and making sure that your cupboards are filled. You're suppose to do this as a sign/example of the year to come. That you will not go hungry as you always have something around to make.

You're also suppose to make sure that your bills are paid. Which in these tough economic times is something that really is a luxury. But you're not suppose to begin the year in debt. Again, tell that to the millions who are unemployed. There's also a saying that personal debts should be settled before the new year, or again, you'll face 10 years bad luck or some bullshit.

An even more insane one is to make sure that the weather dictates the sort of year you are going to have. If the wind blows from the South, there will be fine weather and prosperous times in the year to come. If it comes from the North, then it will be a year of bad weather. From the East means that famine and calamities are a foot. Even more odd is if it blows from the West that means that the year will witness plentiful supplies of milk and fish, but will also see the death of a very important person. Finally, if there's no wind at all, a joyful and prosperous year may be expected by all.

Oh yeah, you know that song you butchered while attempting to sing at midnight? It's a fucking Scotsman poem and it's called Auld Lang Syne . Stop shitting it up and learn the lyrics already for fucks sakes.



It was written in 1788 and is typically sung during funerals and graduations and goodbye's in general. But of course, in this case everyone sings is poorly when the clock strikes midnight. It basically is the song when you want to send off something. The New Years has its place as burying the past year and focusing on the year to come.

To sum this whole thing up. 2011 and the way it shapes out has no baring on how you celebrated or what you did or didn't take out of your home today. Sure, a DUI last night would probably not start the new year off right, but the smaller things that this superstition suggest mean nothing. So perhaps let go those fears that you done fucked it up already.



Oh yeah, and that notion of father time and baby new year - How fucked up is that shit? So you're suggesting that 2010's baby grew at some extremely fast rate and now dies. Way to be morbid. I mean, that's some fucked up shit to only allow a kid to live 365 days.

And you call me a baby killer? Go ahead. Drink your alcoholic beverages as you so welcomed last year dies with a whimper as you embrace your new baby 2011.

A Decade In Review

A Decade In Review

It's been ten years and even though my memory isn't the best as I reach my 30's, I still recall that at a party in 2000 someone said "You know, I'm feeling really optimistic about this decade."

LOL.

How fucking stupid was I... er. I mean, they.. yes.. they were. Oh fuck it, I was the foolish fucktard who said that at that party in 1999. And no, to answer your question I did not party as if it was some Prince song. But seriously, this has been a fucking terrible decade. I'm so gonna get wasted on new years to usher a new 10 years of potentially less shit.

I'm having a hard time deciding whether the 00's have objectively sucked more than prior decades or if they all suck, but this is the first one I've been old/experience enough to realize it. I mean, just the name alone is a big signal that it was a big fat zero. We've had it for ten years now and we still don't know what to call it. You would imagine we would have come up with a name for it by now. They really should call the 00's the naughts because nothing good happened. The Double-Ohs! just doesn't do it justice.


No more wearing these stupid glasses as we now have a 1 where one eye goes.

In 90 years hisotrians are going to call us "The Zeros" then call the 2090's "The Heroes" for added insult. Fuck those dudes.. But I have to admit, they have a point. Don't get me wrong, the decade started out pretty good. There was the Y2K morons which I will never stop laughing about. Perhaps they were just a sign of the stupidity that was to come in this decade.

But in all truth, the 2000's had hope. I remember going to Comic Con in 2000 and was among those first to see the film short Rejected. Oh the memories of being in that late night audience seeing it and cracking up. That was one of the first years I booked my own room. Ah, to be 20 again and with the ability to do whatever the fuck I wanted to.



We're approaching a new decade. The 2010's.. First off, how the hell are you suppose to say it anyway? It's not like the 80's or 90's. What do you say about this? Other than this is the first time we actually say it like if it's in those futuristic movies by saying TWENTY - TEN. I just pray that the 2010's represent an era of perhaps unprecedented economic potential.... sadly it seems that thanks to James Cameron's Avatar, it's going to be a lot of potential for the giantess furry fetish artists world. Thanks a lot Jim.

If you haven't been noticing, all the media outlets are now in full gear doing their year in review, and even more so than that, they're bumping it up a notch and doing a decade in review for the 00's. Take this ever-relevant and hip Newsweek rating the top ten internet memes.



Which is a little odd. Dick in the box? Rick Rolling? Stuff white people like? Lonelygirl? Are you fucking serious? All Your Base is not on the top ten internet memes? How the fuck did that work out? What is this writer on? No strongbad? Pointless list indeed. Obviously, an expert on ten years of internet memes and the greatest of which was Lonelygirl15.....

I don't even get where this chick gets off. The 90's was so much better for the internet. Geocities was the peak of the internet. During the 90's it was the Wild, Wild West of the internet and it was awesome. Who cares if you had to make sure no one picked up your phone line or you're 56k modem would disconnect you from that bitching game of Multiplayer doom. It was the best of times, It was the worse of times.



The 2000's internet was all the green space that was bulldozed for an applebees and track homes. That's the best and only way to describe it. Someone should Goatse this bitch and show her how true internet memes really are. Let's face it. Goatse is not just the meme of the decade.... it is the decade. I don't know how else to explain how a once respectable news magazine is now reporting on two girls one cup. I really don't know how to explain it any other way besides we're all going to hell.

In 10 years time, there will be but a few of us who are financially secure enough to not be pressured into the United States Military service for the sake of its latest incursion into Yemen. And the people of that time will post on the future internet blogs calling that TWENTY-TEN's sucked. And in those blog post there will be a link to this blog and people will quote this sentence and talk about how eerily correct my prediction turned out to be and who the fuck is this Javier dude?



One day republicans will pass a law to put a stop to all these long confusing bills by declaring that the maximum length of a bill must fit into a twitter message. Just wait till you see a 140 character ratification to the constitution, bitches! Just wait till the US has to foot the bill for Social Security, Medicare, medicaid and China decides they just don't want to pay it. Yup, as much as I say the Naughts (00's) sucked,that moment is going to suck even worse.

Let's face it, I'm not looking forward to seeing VH1's 00's coverage. It's going to be a bunch of dick in the box jokes and then it'll get serious when 9/11 comes around. It'll avoid the entire section were the banks screwed the American public out of money. But let's take a look at a couple other milestones just in this past year;

BALLOON BOY

That swimmer dude who won 8 medals. Michael Stipe.

TIGER WOODS



FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT AND THE END OF RACISM IN THE UNITED STATES*

JOHN AND KATE - What else do I have to say?

The song of the decade has to go to Mellencamp, John. This is Our Country. General Motors Corporation. 2006, October 21....

In short here's your decade in review:


So it really does seem that the 2010s can literally not be conceivably worse than the 2000s. Can we just take a mulligan on this whole decade? Maybe we shouldn't waste it now. We should really see how the rest of the Obama administration plays out.

Let's retouch on the subject of Tiger Woods.... Tiger Fucking Woods... Can I touch on this because I really don't want to devote a whole blog to this fuck up. We get it. He's not innocent. He wants his privacy.. Guess what, if you like Golf so much and value your alone time, DON'T BECOMES A FUCKING PRO GOLFER!



I haven't been mini-golfing for at least three or four years now. But you know what, that's pretty low profile and a shit lot more enjoyable than real golf. Tiger Woods was a fool to marry young and most of all, to pretend that he had this innocent thing going on. Just be a fuck up. You're in sports, we come to expect it. That's why we admire these people -because they do things we can't. Be it from slam dunking from the free throw line, hitting that home run at Wriggly Field or banging every god damn super model you can fit in a phone book.

Let's take a look at the real bigger loser in this decade of naughts. The real loser for the decade as the recipient of the Douche bag of the year award goes to Joe Frances. Joe Frances from Girls Gone Wild seems to have been awarded the medal of being the biggest douche in 2000. To be honest, that award could have gone to a lot of people but Gawker gave it to him. But the story doesn't end there. Just to show how much of a huge tool he is, he's firing back and suing the website.

Francis apparently isn't denying his doucheyness, but he is seeving about these lines written in Gawker's post: "But this coked-out amoral direct-marketer (and a rapist!) is basically a zillionaire, various tax liens against him notwithstanding... Joe Francis! You have made the world a worse place! You have assaulted and raped!"

In response, Francis e-mailed Gawker owner Nick Denton. "You messed with the wrong guy. No one makes up lies about me and gets away with it," wrote Francis. "I lost a $10 million deal as a direct result of you calling me 'a rapist.' You will be paying me every dime of that back and more! Are you mentally retarded? Do your research first. I am coming after you harder than I ever went after anyone. I am going to wipe you off the grid!!!! YOU ARE DONE! I will take everything you have. You, Nick Denton, are truly the douche of the decade. Merry Xmas IDIOT!!!"

Francis attached a shirtless photo of him and then added: "I sent you an updated picture of how I actually look now so you can masturbate to it becuase you seem to be quite sexually obssessed with me."

Although Gawker's lawyer folk threw a punch Francis' way--"frankly, let's face it — given his chosen career and his actions to date, it would be hard to say that your client really has any reputation of social probity and standing to damage at this point, now does he?"--Gawker eventually added "alleged" to the rapist comment.

HA! As if someone could taint or ruin the character of Francis. By the way, that is one of the worse names you could possibly have and I have a very tough last name to say. Maybe I'm just repeating this story so that Joe Francis can possibly send me threatening e-mails to take off this report from my blog. Then I'll hit internet fame all the way! So Joe Francis, how was it taking it up the ass in jail as you met all those girls you video taped father's. I mean, why else would they pose on your videos if not for daddy issues?



But let's move on from the pseudo famous folks and get back to me. I've already stated that the 2000's (naughts) were not for me. Let's look at some of the low lights;

I lost my job because of a writers strike (note, I kept on writing)
The only job that I was offered after for some time was reality television.
I was wrongfully declared dead following a series of unfortunate accidents and woke up tagged.
Gore gave it up faster than a cheerleader on prom night.
Obama is a corporate whore just like the 99% of other politicians (no real surprise, but I had some bit of hope)
Governments allow the banks to walk all over the people by giving out 0% APR interest.
Hunter Thompson killed himself.
War on Terror
My Car was destroyed by overheating
My newer Car was destroyed in a terrible
Failed long distance relationships
Failed short distance relationships
My Grandmother died
My Uncle died
The Patriot Act

Hell, to add to the Patriot Act, we have Obama extending the ability and hand of the inefficient TSA after some douche put bombs in his underwear and got past all sorts of levels of security. Way to go, TSA. Just lucky he didn't bust his balls in the act.



As for the sound of the naughts? Yeah, the 00's were total shit as well. We have Eminem as the person who gets the "Artist of the Decade" honor. Mariah Carey, the she bitch who had the top honors in the 90's having the biggest chart hit two decades running; "One Sweet Day" with Boyz II MEN in the 90's. Have we ever seen a pop star's reign last this long? Even Michael Jackson and Madonna kind of stopped having big hits 20 years into the game. Here's the 00s Top 10 Songs:

1. Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
2. Usher featuring Lil Jon & Ludacris - Yeah!
3. Flo Rida featuring T-Pain - Low
4. Nickelback - How You Remind Me
5. Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling
6. Alicia Keys - No One
7. Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
8. Mario - Let Me Love You
9. Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx - Gold Digger
10. Timbaland featuring One Republic - Apologize

All the decade end charts are here But I really shouldn't bother because as you can see from that list.. I don't like ANY song on there. Thus proving that what I like is not on the same air waves as what the general masses enjoy. I mean, every single song on that list is utter shit. Maybe today is the day I know I am a bitter old man. But could there not be one single Radiohead song on there? Fuck that shit.


Yup, that's the kind of decade I've had.

Here's a comprehensive list of 2000s years where i celebrated new year's eve not thinking the previous year had been complete and irredeemable shit (and being right):

• 2001
  
• 2002
  
• 2003
• 2007
  

that's right. 2001 was one of the best years of this decade for me. So fuck you, 2000's, I'm not going to "ring you out." I'm going to stab you in the fucking throat and listen to your death rattle you piece of shit!

Either that or I'm going to get piss drunk and wake up the next morning to make pancakes with the naughts behind me and a new decade to look forward to. One that I'll have a new-ish car in. One where I will have a wonderful girlfriend, who seems to be the major highlight to the naughts. If only I found her sooner the whole decade would not have been a complete waste.

So there you have it. My decade. Not in any great detail. I'm sure if you want to know more about anything you would ask on a more personal nature.. or you'll pay attention to the future blogs as I think this coming year I'll be injecting more personal tidbits into my blogs.

One day before the end... Happy New Years

Fixing The New Year

Fixing The New Year

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm feeling a little short changed every year when it comes time for New Years Eve and someone should take a stand on this very serious issue.

We're all getting cheated out on holidays and naming it a Holiday Season doesn't make it any less of a scam. It's like being born near a day you get gifts anyway, you're going to be short changed the goodies by getting it all lumped in together. My birthday is around Easter. Every couple of years it lands directly on it. That's the real kicker. Try gathering friends when everyone is spending time with their families on the festive day.



I don't know how many years I got a rabbit or some egg related item. Don't even get me started on the lighter shaded colors. I was born around Easter so clearly baby blue must be my favorite color. If I see one more god damn egg, -one more, I'm not even joking, there will be violence.. Um..yeah moving on now.

So where was I? We're jamming the holidays into a traffic jam. I haven't even recovered from Christmas and we're already tossing in another bank holiday? I don't mind the lack of traffic for the past few days. But I have to wonder if we're not blowing all our money at one candy store, if you get my meaning. We're cashing in all our chips in a short amount of time and I think that's rather odd.

Perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe it's just that it's the end of the calendar year and we're just getting in all those "sick days" before we lose them. In which case I would suggest we move either New Years or Christmas to an earlier date. It doesn't make sense for Christmas to move. Imagine Christmas in July, Not very likely... not unless you visited Santa's Village in Big Bear. But it'll also be taking the Christ out of Christmas as well as ruining that whole winter solstice celebration it's linked up with. With Thanksgiving always changing around on us, we need to keep Christmas where it's at to have enough buffer space between the two.


Doin' it, doin' it, and doin' it well.

For a minute there I thought that Dubai was reading my mind when they canceled New Years. But it turned out that they just felt that they shouldn't be celebrating the new year when their neighbors were on the brink of destroying each other. Meanwhile others around the world are showing their solidarity with the Palestinian people by getting wasted on booze. HAPPY NEW YEARS!! WOOOOOOOOO!

I have a friend who swears by anything Chinese. She was blown away when she went to China and sings nothing but praise for the land of the rising sun. I didn't get the big deal about it till I realized they're smart enough to not have New Years be so close to Christmas. They celebrate New Years late January/Early February. Sure they apply some silly animal to the year (This year it's an Ox) but what the lack in common sense for picking animals they make up in with spreading the time off over the course of the year. Valentines Day being two weeks or so after that just shows that they covering their bases. No wonder they're hard workers. They're properly rested. That and their tiny fingers.. oh so very tiny fingers.

I just want to know where I lobby to get this heard. January may have MLK day but with February containing black history month, it's like a teaser of things to come. Besides, you really can't do anything for MLK day least you feel like you're being racist. It's not like you can have MLK day sales and remain in good taste... oh wait


February has Valentines Day and that's far from a day of rest for guys. Do you know how much work we have to put into that to keep any girl stupid enough to be with you happy? Forget about it! If years past have taught me anything it's that I need a day off from that in itself!

So come on national holiday organizers, let's be smart with how we use our days off in this new year