New Years is Such Over-hyped Bullshit

New Years is Such Over-hyped Bullshit

I mean, seriously. Is there any other day that has had so much hype behind it that you must simply do the ultimate in ultimate or else you totally failed behind it? It's the same shit every year.. you're just coming off the stupid Christmas shopping craze and finally feeling like your teeth aren't going to fall out due to all the sweets you ate and then it's all about planning New Years Eve.

Because, you know, you have to make it the most magical of moments in the whole wide world or your coming year will be nothing but total shit. That's the concept here. The whole notion that the first few minutes of the new year has any baring on how the rest of the year is going to go. I just don't get it.



Maybe it's because I'm from the West Coast. By the time the new year rolls around on Los Angeles, New York and the majority of the rest of the world has already stepped into that time machine and is living and sleeping in 2011. Not me, in years past I've stayed at home and enjoyed Coast 2 Coast AM's new years prediction shows with Art Bell and laughed at the morons calling in.

I think the biggest travisty is the whole kissing at midnight. But that's one of the many superstitions that we seem to have about the new year. Perhaps I should get into them in this blog post. Not like I'm doing much anything else...

Kissing at midnight has its basis on the whole notion that we are suppose to kiss those dearest to us to ensure those affections are carried on through the new year. Not kissing your SO at midnight must mean that you are going to live the next 12 months with some cold feelings or it's foreshadowing problems...



The other idea is that if you don't kiss someone at midnight then you'll be lonely the rest of the year. Which seems like the catch 22 that I faced when I first got into the film industry. You needed to be a union member to get on a production. But you couldn't be a union member unless you had a certain amount of hours under your belt... So, the only way to make sure you're not lonely in 2011 is to make sure you have a date on New Years... You need a date in order to secure more dates for the future in a sense.

Yeah... So in short it's basically a chain letter that we have been carrying on as tradition all this time. Did you know the other tradition of opening all your doors and windows at midnight? See, not as popular as kissing some hottie at the party you're at, but this one sounds far more sound.

The idea is that you're letting out the old year in all the ways and aspects by opening all the doors and windows and flushing everything that the old year is potentially leaving behind will be gone. Not doing so will make it so that the old year and all that it has brought stays and the new year and all its potentially isn't allowed inside. Yes, this sounds fucking insane, but hey, it's tradition!

There's a superstition that the reason why we make loud noises at midnight is to scare away bad spirits. Again, how is it we got anything done ever with stupid shit like this floating around?



At least the next one is useful. There's a tradition in stocking up and making sure that your cupboards are filled. You're suppose to do this as a sign/example of the year to come. That you will not go hungry as you always have something around to make.

You're also suppose to make sure that your bills are paid. Which in these tough economic times is something that really is a luxury. But you're not suppose to begin the year in debt. Again, tell that to the millions who are unemployed. There's also a saying that personal debts should be settled before the new year, or again, you'll face 10 years bad luck or some bullshit.

An even more insane one is to make sure that the weather dictates the sort of year you are going to have. If the wind blows from the South, there will be fine weather and prosperous times in the year to come. If it comes from the North, then it will be a year of bad weather. From the East means that famine and calamities are a foot. Even more odd is if it blows from the West that means that the year will witness plentiful supplies of milk and fish, but will also see the death of a very important person. Finally, if there's no wind at all, a joyful and prosperous year may be expected by all.

Oh yeah, you know that song you butchered while attempting to sing at midnight? It's a fucking Scotsman poem and it's called Auld Lang Syne . Stop shitting it up and learn the lyrics already for fucks sakes.



It was written in 1788 and is typically sung during funerals and graduations and goodbye's in general. But of course, in this case everyone sings is poorly when the clock strikes midnight. It basically is the song when you want to send off something. The New Years has its place as burying the past year and focusing on the year to come.

To sum this whole thing up. 2011 and the way it shapes out has no baring on how you celebrated or what you did or didn't take out of your home today. Sure, a DUI last night would probably not start the new year off right, but the smaller things that this superstition suggest mean nothing. So perhaps let go those fears that you done fucked it up already.



Oh yeah, and that notion of father time and baby new year - How fucked up is that shit? So you're suggesting that 2010's baby grew at some extremely fast rate and now dies. Way to be morbid. I mean, that's some fucked up shit to only allow a kid to live 365 days.

And you call me a baby killer? Go ahead. Drink your alcoholic beverages as you so welcomed last year dies with a whimper as you embrace your new baby 2011.

Valentines Day Blows For So Many Reasons

Valentines Day Blows For So Many Reasons

This isn't coming from any bitter position. I've actually had a lot of Valentines dates in my days, I'm even in a loving very happy relationship right now. It's just that the whole reasoning and even the logic behind Valentine's day is just silly and it doesn't really represent much in the long term. It's simply me pointing out the clear ways that Valentine's day is such a stupid holiday. It's one of those that most guys believe they need to take part of, not because they actually care, but because they believe that in order to continue getting laid they need to make reservations in an overcrowded restaurant, get a dozen roses, a cheap Hallmark card and perhaps buy a bottle of champagne.

This is mostly an act. They don't really care, if they did, you wouldn't have to tell them to get you any one of those things on a specific day, they would get you them anyway. Flowers? Not only are they ten times more expensive on Valentines day, but it's such a cliche. Though I did already cover that aspect of it in the blog post of a couple of days ago. But think about it for a second. Do you really want something that is forced?

What does that say about the person who is with you? Wouldn't it mean a whole lot more getting them on a day that doesn't have everyone else receiving the same gift? If you actually believe you need to go through the motions on Valentines day and buy that shit then I feel bad for you. Ugh, that is not for me.



If you have to wine and dine them, give them foot rubs, massage them, shower them with flowers and gifts, spend a lot of money on them or any of those other admissions to get "in the door" then how worth it is it really? It's pretty clear that they're not really sexually attracted to you. "I can't have sex with you unless you wine and dine me." or something like "I'm not going to have sex with you till you rub my back." is utterly depressing to hear as a man and you shouldn't have to listen to that. That's a person's way of trying to delay the inevitable.

What they are saying in that is that they don't actually want to, or at least don't like to have sex with you. That in itself there is really very little enjoyment out of it that you need to barter with them into exchanging something they do actually enjoy, a back massage, for what you enjoy.. them laying there with their legs open waiting for you to finish already.



That in itself is a pretty big red flag that you should be noticing and getting the fuck out of that relationship. Would you rather take someone to a baseball game that will enjoy the game, pay attention to the score and get pumped when your team wins or would you rather take someone who is just going to sit there and wait for it to end? Exactly, life is more fun when you are sharing a common interest and if someone wouldn't do something you want (in this example sex) then what's the point of being with them?

So for any of you who are in a relationship where you feel like you're bargaining for sex.. or for anything that you need -be it flowers every once in a while or a gesture that you're beautiful still- Get out now! Why waste time with someone who is going through the motions when you can find someone else who will be more than happy to enjoy said motions (or whatever it is) with you?



What the hell is Valentines day anyway? It's yet another Christian piggy backing on a Pagan holiday. In this case it's the pagan fertility festival called Lupercalia. This celebration was marked in a subtly different way in those early days before the religious right took it over. According to National Geographic, in ancient Rome the 13th, 14th and 15th of February would have this celebration where young men would strip naked and use goat or dog-skin whips to spank the asses of young women in order to improve their fertility.

Then like it typically happens, the Christians latched themselves onto the party like some loser friend that just tags along to whatever cool event you are going to. In this case they used the deaths of two guys named Valentine to justify their whole deal. First off, Valentine of Terni who was martyred in the reign of Emperor Aurelian. Little is know about his life other than he was made a Bishop of Interamna (now Terni) and died not too long after he was imprisoned, tortured and beheaded on the Via Flaminia in Rome for his Christianity by the order of a Roman prefect.



Then another Christian, Valentine of Rome, who was also martyred, but this time under Emperor Claudius. He was arrested for giving aid to prisoners. While in jail, he is said to have converted his jailer by healing his blind daughter's sight. And according to another another version of this story he fell in love with the daughter, sending her a note saying "From your Valentine". Hall mark clearly ran with this one.

The most absurd of the stories is that Claudius was claimed to have banned young men from marrying, so that they would make better soldiers, and Valentine was arrested for secretly carrying out weddings. He was also killed and like the previous Valentine of Rome, he supposedly died on February 14th.



In AD 496 Pope Gelasius declared it to be St. Valentine's Day. A day for Christians to feast and enjoy.. which is clearly just him figuring out that the only way to beat them was to join them as Lupercalia was still popular at the time. And that's how we have Valentine's Day. Hardly any of those non-pagan ones sound even remotely romantic. Neither of which really calls for going out to eat for a high price. Which gets me to the whole eating out on this day.

Reservations to a favorite restaurant? What's the point? Restaurants already know that every rube comes out on Valentines day and so they can set up a pre-fixed menu that you're limited in selecting at a far greater price than if you went there any other day of the year. Not to mention that you'll be around a lot of people who don't normally eat out and don't have extremely high expectations out of their once-a-year outing. Do you want to experience your wait staff stressed out by that?



Then there's the gifts. Generally girls don't give guys a gift anyway. They usually use the excuse of sex as what they're giving them and like I said above, if you're gift is getting sex, what's so special about it considering you should be getting sex in a committed relationship anyway. If you aren't having sex than you should get out. So then what does one get the male for the day?

We all know that women are looking forward to the flowers, the jewelry, the chocolates and all that jazz, what do you get a guy for Valentine's day? I mean, it's a two way street, right? You really can't expect them to show you their affection without exchanging it in return. I guess this one falls back to being difficult to shop for. I typically get this asked;

"I want to buy you something you wouldn't buy yourself"

... Um, if I wouldn't buy for myself then why would I want it. See, this is what I don't like.. the lack of thought. I think if you're going to get someone something, just take that leap of faith at the store on what you think they may like and go for it. Isn't that what the whole purpose of giving someone something? The thought that counts...



So on this Valentine's Day.. I wish you nothing more than Happy Chinese New Years.

The Final Countdown

The Final Countdown

Well, here it is. It's time for the final countdown of the decade...



Good fucking riddence. The 00's, or as I described it in the decade in review post, The Naughts. You see, Webster gives the following definitions for Naught: 1."nothing"; 2. "the arithmetical symbol 0"; and 3. "insignificant." As an example, Webster offers "his efforts had gone for naught."

I doubt many will dispute this fact that this decade is insignificant and this decade has gone for naught. But then again, this isn't the first decade that has sucked and it wont be the last. For me, at least, the last decade that sucked as bad in my three decade experience was the 80's. You may disagree with me, but then you'd be wrong. You see there's only a certain amount of people who thought the 80's didn't suck:

-children
-wall street tycoons
-televangelists
-shoulder pad manufacturers
-CIA cocaine importers

Anybody with the slightest bit of responsibility or a shred of social conscience thought they were the beginning of the end.

The 1980's was basically like the 2000's in every way except worse. The only comfort I can take from that shit of a decade where the rich gleefully pissed on the poor, was that I was born at the start of it, so I don't remember a good half of it due to my earliest memories not really sticking till about age 5-6.



I thankfully don't have half of that decade stuck in my mind. No memory of the gap between the rich and poor and other measures of inequality climbing. SDI and other cold war bullshit, funding death squads in the third world. The support we gave to Saddam, etc. Ah, good times.. good times.

And who could forget the union busting and the war on labor, tax cuts for the rich.. again, deregulation - which lead us to where we are economically today, The war on drugs... ha.. yeah... , the mentality that "greed is good," more millionaires and yuppies getting wealthier while the bottom 3/4 of American families continued to get the shaft harder and harder.

There is literally nothing positive to say about Reagan or the 80's in the US, other than that he might have made some white people feel good about America again after Vietnam and stagflation and the malaise of the 70's



But hey, at least the 80's gave us some great television shows that were... sadly bastardized in the naughts by turning them into feature length movies. I mean, Miami Vice? Really? Music in the 80's was pretty snazzy. I still rock to the flash back lunch/weekends that Kroq never does, but sadly Star 98.7 does.. What did the naughts (oo's) give us? They gave us Linkin Park.

Fuck this decade.

This should have taken you twelve minutes to read, thus I just pushed you over to the new year. Happy TWENTY-TEN



P.S. Please say it exactly likethat because then we'll seem like we're in the futuristic lame sci-fi Friday movie

Year In Auto-tune Rewiew

Year In Auto-tune Rewiew

Now that Christmas is over we're faced with the next week to not be slammed with Christmas cheer or the idea of going shopping for those loved ones, but to look back at the year that was 2009. There's going to be a slew of year end list, but perhaps this one that focuses on the media in 2009 will be fitting to run it through some heavy auto-tune.

Enjoy

Wishing You A Happy New Year

Wishing You A Happy New Year

So it's January 26 and I just was told Happy New Year. I'm wondering if there's a statue of limitations on when you can say that. It's almost been a month since we kissed the old year goodbye and welcomed 2009.

Sure, I haven't seen this person since the old year. Even made the stupid joke of "Haven't seen you in a year, buddy!" That one never gets old. But it brings into question how long should it be till you can't say Happy New Year to someone?



That's the tricky question. One would think that four weeks into the new year you're already long past the hangover from New Years party. You no longer write 2008 on your checks by accident and you've accepted that we are in the future... or the present. Depends on how you look at it.

The tricky aspect is that if you're Chinese, New Years hasn't even come yet. Being near Monterey Park, I think I have a little bit of that in me. So I can get away with saying Happy New Year up till the middle of February. But do I want to? All the Chinese new year brings is a new animal representation. It's not even numbered dates!



Well, I guess after surviving the weekends altercation I should be thankful to be able to hear someone tell me Happy New Year. But then again I'm a bitter, bitter, sad little man.

Happy D-Day

Happy D-Day

How did you celebrate D-day? I'm not talking about the day we took to the beaches and kicked some Nazi ass. I'm talking about the day you dumped that excess baggage and filed for a divorce. I have never had the distinct pleasure of being married and thus, never had the chance to file divorce papers to anyone ever. But if I do ever find myself in the position of getting a divorce I suppose January would be a good month to do it. Seems that everyone else is, why not I?


This report from The First Wives World shows that divorce is on a rise during this time of year and for good reason.

It has long been known that January is the month that most people divorce. With that in mind, lawyers in London actually picked a specific date for D-Day — as in, divorce day: The first Monday after children return to school. In England, that will be January 12th.

In the U.S., according to some experts, divorce filings will see a dramatic spike this week — the first full week of January.

Why wait until January vs earlier?

Logic is that no one wants to ruin a child's Christmas and if you divorce over the holidays, the holidays will then be always associated with a traumatic event.

Although some in the U.S. believe that the crumbling economy and falling housing prices will delay divorces, a lawyer in England thinks otherwise.

"Many are concerned that divorcing when house prices are plummeting means they’ll lose a great deal of money from what they view as an inevitable sale, says Shelley Hesford, a solicitor in Cheshire who spoke with the London Telegraph. So instead of waiting for prices to rise, which could take years, some couples will opt to cut their losses sooner vs. later. The estimate is that every 10 percent drop in housing prices leads to a 4 percent rise in divorce.

Tight money over the holidays may reinforce that thinking.

In addition to sticking it out over the holidays for the sake of the children, there are other factors contributing to early January being D-Day time:

• Lawyers and counselors take vacations over the holidays, courts are closed, and couples can’t file for divorce.
• Northern winters are bleak, especially after Christmas; forced togetherness indoors drives couples nuts.
• One more pair of gloves for Christmas was the final straw.
• Holiday partying led to a drunken holiday flirtation... with someone else.
• You made a New Years resolution not to have another holiday with him.
• The hangover was bad, but not as bad as facing that first breakfast of the new year with someone you no longer love.

Another candidate for record numbers of decisions to get divorced: we say January 20, after the three-day Martin Luther King Jr. weekend. By that time, children have gotten back into the rhythm of school and life; they have their friends around them, so that a family breakup is less jarring.

One positive fact: appointments for marriage counselors also go up in January, meaning that some couples decide to work on their relationship, and not give up – yet. The other top times for filing for divorce are at the end of the school year, and at the end of summer vacation.

What is important is that, if and when you decide the marriage is over, telling the childrenmust be done carefully, whether they are preschoolers, or teenagers.

While most people resolve to lose weight for the new year, it turns out that for others the weight to be lost is that of an unfulfilling marriage.

The whole peak after MLK day is a bit odd. But if you think about it for a second it's perfectly clear. Many people have a dream and that dream does not include being with that loser anymore. No such morbid item that you could get gunned down from any balcony on any given day. Might as well make the most out of the time you have on this third rock from the sun.

On the other hand of things I'm wondering if you didn't wait too long to pull the trigger. It's already 2009, you're in another tax cycle. So you're stuck with filing with them in your taxes because you didn't dump their ass before the 31st. Way to go. Guess water does seek its own level, now doesn't it, loser!



I'll let it slide this once. I get what these folks are trying to do. They're trying to start the new year off right by not breaking those resolutions. That is, to not sleep with that cheating/worthless/changed person this year. So dump them off and get the new year started off right with someone new... all at the same time as not hurting the kids feelings. Well, best of luck to you. I'm sort of tempted to get married myself so I can take part of this next year. I mean.. it sure sounds like fun!

Then there's always that classic joke which I've never really seemed to get but I always fake that chuckle whenever I do hear it "Why does divorce cost so much? Cause it's worth it." Maybe one day I'll get it... Maybe one day indeed.