Vote Dale Peterson For Alabama Agriculture Commissioner

Vote Dale Peterson For Alabama Agriculture Commissioner

I don't live in Alabama, nor would I really ever want to... though with ad campaigns like this, I'm getting really tempted to set up a voting record there so I can vote for this fine American right here...



It's really when he brings out the gun for no reason that it gets bumped into satire. Let's go down the check list of things in this sucker.

I HAVE A GUN

I HAVE A HORSE

I HAVE A SOUTHERN ACCENT

LOOK AT MY WHITE COWBOY HAT

LOOK AT MY WHITE SKIN

LOOK AT MY WHITE PICKET FENCE

LOOK AT MY GUN OUT OF FUCKIN' NOWHERE

VOTE FOR ME

I think I almost got whiplash from all those jump cuts. I'm serious when I say this.. let's just vote for this guy as President 2012. Just think about it. I was sort of expecting him to do a jump cut to a close up and have him saying

"If somebody tries to steal ARE ag money..."

Jump cut to a close up

"I'll fuckin' shoot'em!"

I do have to wonder about some of the republican talking points and cliches that I didn't see. Where's the pickup truck? Where's the beard wife/kids that are the products of a fake, loveless marriage? Then again, Horse > Pickup truck. Only way it could have been better is if he had put a saddle on Ben Franklin. This was some serious old spice style politics.

I'm just going to assume that whomever wins the Republican primary will run unopposed in all of these races because, hey, who's dumb enough to sink any money into running as a Democrat in Alabama?

Alabama has a track record of just being insane when it comes to politics. I have to wonder if any Republicans in Alabama recorded anything remotely close to being non-ridiculous campaign commercials. I guess it's just a matter of what I consider "non-ridiculous". Maybe if it's just "standard republican talking points" as non-ridiculous, it'll make a lot more sense.

Just take a look at all these other campaign ads.


"funny name, serious leadership"











Man, you can rape a lot of children in ninety days, uh, or so I'm told. Anyway, the point is, sex offenders should have to register with the state every ninety seconds. Some people say this would "inconvenience" the state clerks who record sex offenders, but I'm unemployed.

I think the best thing to take away from all these is that there's clearly a guide to how you run your campaign. Want to know the secret? Here it is..

How to Make an Alabama Political Ad in Six Easy Steps

1. Open with the story of how you grew up poor and made ends meet by picking cotton/working in a mill/farming. If you grew up rich, substitute video of yourself on a horse.

2. If you are a lawyer, talk about how you will "Stand up for the common man." If you are a business person, repeat that fact as many times as possible. If you are neither, what the hell are you doing in Alabama politics?

3. Short video of yourself leaving church/playing the piano in church/praying. (If way too many people know what you're really like to pull this off convincingly, you may insert video of yourself hunting instead.)

4. Video of you shaking hands with or talking to a black person.

5. Video of yourself surrounded by your spouse and kids. (If you are divorced and/or your kids can't stand you, substitute video of yourself in an impressive office.)

6. Close with a snappy slogan that sounds clever the first time you hear it, but becomes increasingly annoying over time.

Now you know.. and knowing is half the battle. Vote early and vote often! And vote for this dude... for the school board!

We Believe In Nothing, Lebowski, NOTHING! - Your Guide To Nihilism

We Believe In Nothing, Lebowski, NOTHING! - Your Guide To Nihilism

Here's your guide to Nihilism;











































Ha! Get it? Cause Nihilist believe in nothing... har... har.. har.. Yes, yes. The title of this is based off the Big Lebowski. So get those quotes out of your system already.

WE BELIEVE IN NOTHING, LEBOWSKI, NOTHING!

I told that Kraut a fuckin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!

Nihilists! Fuck me, I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

But seriously now, we should take these people's belief in nothing seriously. Even in our own daily politics. What could be better than not caring, right?

In what is a beautiful example of American political discourse, democrats - in unison, like the machines or parrots they are - keep saying that the republicans are "the party of 'no'." however, the republicans - not realizing that responding to machines and parrots is as useless as responding to tea kettles or shrubs - deny being the party of 'no'. So I'm going to step into the breach here, I think it would be excellent to have a party of 'No'; a nihilist organization.

Rather than merely being entirely empty like the above space was in simulating the actual point of nihilism, I'll go ahead and explain what it means to be a nihilist in today's political climate. We embrace the emptiness at the heart of American politics explicitly. Because quite frankly, at the end of the day there is a disconnect. A disconnect between each thing and each other thing, and between each thing and itself. Indeed it would not be too much to say that in our universe at the end of the day there is nothing other than a disconnect.



I know what you're thinking. Self-identifying as a nihilist seems hypocritical. Don't be fooled into thinking that Nihilism is absurd and for people who are afraid to care about anything. Nope, they aren't. The major problem is that a Nihilist party is one of those parties where no one wants to go make the beer run. I mean, fuck those parties, right? Want no part in that shit!

I would, at this point, suggest that my minions go out and conquer the world of politics all the while shouting NO! NO! NO! NO! but if I taught you well then you will have the mindset that no of this really matters anyway.

That rug really tied the fucking room together

We will cut off your Johnson, Lebowski!

What if I feel only my own life is utterly devoid of meaning, is this the party for me? Yes, yes it is. While you don't embrace the full idea of nothing, you at least have it down to a personal level.

I have to admit that, yes, the nihilism is an acceptable philosophy insofar as some Sufi thinkers may proclaim 'I believe in nothing', but otherwise to assign it any value would be foolishness. You wont get the votes and you certainly shouldn't care about the outcome of your local election. So let's just sum it up that Nihilism is pretty self defeating.



""A nihilist is a man who judges of the world as it is that it ought not to be, and of the world as it ought to be that it does not exist. According to this view, our existence (action, suffering, willing, feeling) has no meaning: the pathos of 'in vain' is the nihilists' pathos — at the same time, as pathos, an inconsistency on the part of the nihilists."
-Lebowski, The Big Lebowski"
-Young Jeezy, 2010

Maybe this whole blog was just an excuse to post Lebowski quotes and get hyped over the upcoming Lebowskifest? Yeah.. that's more than likely the reasoning behind all this..

Know Your Public Enemy

Know Your Public Enemy

Well DC has done it again, they produced yet another DCUniverse cartoon. Considering how screwed up DC has had their live action films go into production limbo, it's really amazing to see that they're really on top of their game when it comes to the Animated universe. The last time around in the form of a Green Lantern and Wonder Women animated film, I was blown away on how good they were. This time it was a bit more of a tricky situation. You see, I know my Public Enemy and it's Jeph Loeb.

The latest DC Animated film is Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. Which is the story taken directly from the Jeph Loeb written Superman/Batman: Public Enemies story arc... Yeah, creative, I know. For someone who left the company to go work for Marvel, it's sure nice of them to treat his book with such regard to bump it up on the list of animated films to be made.



I have to say, Green Lantern: First Flight and Wonder Woman were both way better films than this. But it had a lot of cool moments sprinkled along into it. Not to mention you get Kevin Conroy back doing the voice of Batman and Tim Daly as Superman. Anyone who loved both superheroes Bruce Timm/Dini animated series are going to love this film for getting them back to do the voices of the characters. And yes, you get them back at a cost. That is, you have to pay for it in the form of a Jeph Loeb story.

In case you're wondering, yes, the plot matches the comic pretty much as close as they could get it without actually using some of the more stupid elements from the comic book.. Ok, what am I saying, it's all in there. If you've read the comic you know what you're in for. Well, if you've read any Jeph Loeb story in the last few years you know what you're in for.



It's literally an hour of Superman and Batman teaming up to beat the living shit out of every DC hero and villain and a little of Michael Bay's Armageddon thrown in for good measure. I thought it was entertaining enough. If I saw this when I was a kid I would have gone fucking nuts. And really, isn't that what the whole purpose of the film was made for? Wont anyone think of the children?

Solomon Grundy, Mongul (what he wants with money? I don't know), Frost Bite, Mr. Freeze, Bansee, Shiva, Nightshade, Grodd, The Secret Six, Suicide Squad, Despro, Vigilante, Chemo, Bane, Giganta, Captain Boomerang, Captain Cold and many many more...



Hell, the battles alone take up a majority of the film. For an hour and six minute film, I have to say that it has about 10 minutes of actual dialogue. The rest is battle after battle with other super heroes. I'm just going to toss it out there. You have Superman battling Shazam!.. though they call him Captain Marvel, and it's pretty intense. Toss in Hawkman and well, if you've read the comic you know how that ends, but it's pretty much a rock 'em, sock'em bout

Yup, the guest list in this film is a who's-who of the DCU. You should expect less depth than your average 30 minute Batman episode and get ready for fights with every single character listed above. When you see Jeph Loeb on the front of a book or production you know that the story is going to be pretty fucking retarded. It has a lot of one liners and the animation, while not true Bruce Timm style, is good enough to remind you of a poor man's Ed McGuinness, the artist of the comic with the same name. Turn your brain off and pretend your watching an animated version of Commando and it's really just entertaining.



You also have CCH Pounder as Amanda Waller.. and to be honest, whenever I read her character in the comics I always pictured CCH Pounder from her role on The Shield to make a perfect Amanda Waller. You have Power Girl making her debut in the DC animated world as well. Though I'm sure someone will correct me on that if I'm wrong. I suppose I just don't remember any time when her massive power girl tits have been soo... talked about in a childrens movie.

Hell, the first opening to the video is a bleeped out The Daily Show segment letting us know what kind of world we're currently in where Lex Luther is now President. Yeah, that's right. President Lex Luther. Which was a pretty interest story arc in the comic books till Jeph Loeb decided to wrap it all up with this story arc and make him crazy again.



This film was pretty mature, all things considered. Even if you have the stupid elements from the book like the giant robo sup/bats at the end. But even in that, you have a 13 year old boy talk about how he's using X-ray glasses to check out Power Girl's tits. Hey, guess what. There's a damn hole in her costume right on the cleavage area. You don't need X-ray vision to look at them.

Over all, it's a decent Superman/Batman animated film. It has all the things that matter in Daly and Conroy. That in itself should sell you on the idea of this alone. If you enjoy random Jeph Loeb style fighting between superheroes, this will be up your alley as well. In the end, it's not as good as Green Lantern and definitely not as good as Wonder Woman. But it's well worth a viewing.

Zoom / Echance

Zoom / Enchance

CSI has taught us many things. You discover a lot with the simple power of zoom and enhance. Often you find the true murderer or the hidden piece of clue needed to solve the case before making a silly one liner. In this case, It's just good, clean, honest political fun...

















Daaaaaaaaammmmmmmmnnnnnnn
Another piece of interest is this zoom / enhance:



See that, Dick Cheney had Google maps blur out his place. Joe Biden on the other hand.. He's a cool mother fucker!