A Guide To Surviving Valentines Day

A Guide To Surviving Valentines Day

So the day is upon us.. That... blasted... day. You know. The one where Hallmark wants you to BUY BUY BUY! Forget any meaning, you have to show them you care today and forget any other day! Screw that, I say. If you have to do anything, here's a little handy guide as to what to get them.



Click and locate your standings and act accordingly.

But for the love of god, don't get them chocolate. Why not? Well.. I'm sure the blog above this one will explain it all. And if it's not up yet... well, just wait for it, you'll be puking up your lunch. Muhahahahahahhaa.

I would say that if you have to give them something, don't get them any of the following:

Vermont Teddy Bear Company.

If you use them, I will personally go to you and beat you senseless. Just seeing that ad always pisses me off. You mean to tell me I can get a teddy bear with the gay ass tribal armband tattoo I have so I can give it to my gal, handing over to her an already made voodoo doll of me? NOOOOOO THANK YOU! Not like you can get one to her in time now any way.

Valentine's Tattoo
Just no. It's not romantic and it's pretty fucking stupid. Unless you want to explain to your next girlfriend why you have Mindy on your arm.

Chocolate
Just don't. The blog above this one will tell you why.


Chocolate has several ingredients that can cause euphoria. Unfortunately it has several others that induce a FAT ASS

Double Dating
Why bother? It's suppose to be a day where you spend it with someone else. Forget the whole date idea.

Roses
Just don't. The price is three to four times the cost of roses on any other day. Not to mention that EVERY.GOD.DAMN.PERSON.IS.GETTING.THEM! How original to get roses... Oh wait, no it's not. It's not original at all. It's also meaningless. Get them a rose in the middle of August or just because you were thinking of them. Not because it's a specific date in February.


GOD DAMN IT, NO! DON'T. Put the flowers down.

Eating Out
I have gone on and on about this. Service sucks because people who generally don't eat out are out there pissing off your serves with their generous 10% tip. Prices on prefixed menus are awfully high. It's just not worth it.

T.G.I.F or Applebees.
You shouldn't go to these shit holes any other day of the year anyway. But I just have to reaffirm my hate for these shitty places.

If you're going to go out of your way today, just make it something different. Something they'll enjoy. Or you can be like me and make it really low key. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for some BBQ (the true way to anyone's heart) and buying comics. I plan on making it an extremely low key day and staying the fuck away from society, thank you kindly.

It's The End of The Economy, As We Know It.

It's the end of the economy, as we know it.

Well it happened. It finally happened. You people laughed at me. LAUGHED AT ME! when I constantly walked in circles outside that 7-11 (never forget) with my sign proclaiming that the end was near. Only, I never was descriptive with exactly what the near ending item was. Now you know. It was the end of your credit and cash. Burn baby, burn!



Since you people didn't listen to me then, I'm sure you wont listen to me now. But as you have seen, after a couple of brown bagged bottles of Miller High life, you can't stop me from yappy. So here's some advice for the pending end of all that we know and love. We've got a couple scenarios coming down the pipe and I'll address them in a fashion I can't fit on construction paper and wooden stick.



1) Worldwide Economic Depression

The Downside: Crushing poverty, millions die (especially the elderly) in the coming winter, millions more homeless and unemployed. Money will be worthless. You might as well wipe your ass with the dollar. Remember all those jokes you and your buddies made about how worthless the peso was when you went down to Mexico for spring break? Yeah, it'll be something like that.
The Upside: Resurge of Hobo culture, learning to make soup out of a single potato, surviving means holding it over future generations with endless guilt trips about how we are the Greatester Generation. Besides, Studies show that we'll still have Video Games and entertainment even in the toughest depression



2) Worldwide Resource Crunch

The Downside: the death, the misery, the war. You know, all that sort of crazy stuff that happens when society crumbles. If you don't have a motorcycle or look good in leather, perhaps you're not prepared for this. If you think roads are full of pot holes and unmaintained right now, just you wait. Hope you have good hydraulics.

The Upside: Mad Max irl, starting new religions based on worshiping the last surviving pieces of technology, learning to drink gray water. If you've seen any terrible 80's post-apocalyptic film you'll be in luck. No more having to play video games to recreate the video game mood. It's not like you'd have working power to play it anyway. Not unless you killed someone for their generator.



3) Proletariat Revolution

The Downside: the death, the misery, the war. Bullets will be worth more than gold. Bread lines will be long and boring. You'll be under watch 24 hours a day.

The Upside: People like Karl Rove, John McCain are first against the wall for execution, communal bootstraps, awesome propaganda and songs. Red is a nice color, so it'll match whatever outfit you are wearing. Sadly, that may only be rags and scrap sheets.



4) Invasion when Putin rears his head into Alaska's airspace
The Downside: what's he doing there? I mean. What the fuck. I keep hearing that you can see Russia from some island a mile or so off land of Alaska, but why the fuck does Putin care? I can see my neighbors window from my living room, doesn't mean I'm an expert in talking to women.

The Upside: Sarah Palin is doomed




5.) Nature Dies

The Downside: Global warming finally hit. Looks like you should have recycled after all. That hair spray to look hot for that one jerk? Yeah, guess it wasn't worth it. Don't panic. It'll be over soon as the global warming melts your face off. Just don't stare into the sun.

The Upside: At least you lived a full life. What with your total lack of concern for credit and saving any money. Clearly by pissing away the enviroment you showed that you truly lived doing whatever, whenever the fuck you wanted to do it. Way to go!



As a post script to this, my HR research department wishes to conduct a survey to see how effective this survivor guide was

1. on a scale of 1 - 10 how dead are you?

2. did this guide provide useful hints on how to eat human flesh?

3. How satisfied are you with the pending apocalypses?

Thank you and may your end be quick and painless.