Thursday, October 2, 2008

It's The End of The Economy, As We Know It.

It's the end of the economy, as we know it.

Well it happened. It finally happened. You people laughed at me. LAUGHED AT ME! when I constantly walked in circles outside that 7-11 (never forget) with my sign proclaiming that the end was near. Only, I never was descriptive with exactly what the near ending item was. Now you know. It was the end of your credit and cash. Burn baby, burn!

Since you people didn't listen to me then, I'm sure you wont listen to me now. But as you have seen, after a couple of brown bagged bottles of Miller High life, you can't stop me from yappy. So here's some advice for the pending end of all that we know and love. We've got a couple scenarios coming down the pipe and I'll address them in a fashion I can't fit on construction paper and wooden stick.

1) Worldwide Economic Depression

The Downside: Crushing poverty, millions die (especially the elderly) in the coming winter, millions more homeless and unemployed. Money will be worthless. You might as well wipe your ass with the dollar. Remember all those jokes you and your buddies made about how worthless the peso was when you went down to Mexico for spring break? Yeah, it'll be something like that.
The Upside: Resurge of Hobo culture, learning to make soup out of a single potato, surviving means holding it over future generations with endless guilt trips about how we are the Greatester Generation. Besides, Studies show that we'll still have Video Games and entertainment even in the toughest depression

2) Worldwide Resource Crunch

The Downside: the death, the misery, the war. You know, all that sort of crazy stuff that happens when society crumbles. If you don't have a motorcycle or look good in leather, perhaps you're not prepared for this. If you think roads are full of pot holes and unmaintained right now, just you wait. Hope you have good hydraulics.

The Upside: Mad Max irl, starting new religions based on worshiping the last surviving pieces of technology, learning to drink gray water. If you've seen any terrible 80's post-apocalyptic film you'll be in luck. No more having to play video games to recreate the video game mood. It's not like you'd have working power to play it anyway. Not unless you killed someone for their generator.

3) Proletariat Revolution

The Downside: the death, the misery, the war. Bullets will be worth more than gold. Bread lines will be long and boring. You'll be under watch 24 hours a day.

The Upside: People like Karl Rove, John McCain are first against the wall for execution, communal bootstraps, awesome propaganda and songs. Red is a nice color, so it'll match whatever outfit you are wearing. Sadly, that may only be rags and scrap sheets.

4) Invasion when Putin rears his head into Alaska's airspace
The Downside: what's he doing there? I mean. What the fuck. I keep hearing that you can see Russia from some island a mile or so off land of Alaska, but why the fuck does Putin care? I can see my neighbors window from my living room, doesn't mean I'm an expert in talking to women.

The Upside: Sarah Palin is doomed

5.) Nature Dies

The Downside: Global warming finally hit. Looks like you should have recycled after all. That hair spray to look hot for that one jerk? Yeah, guess it wasn't worth it. Don't panic. It'll be over soon as the global warming melts your face off. Just don't stare into the sun.

The Upside: At least you lived a full life. What with your total lack of concern for credit and saving any money. Clearly by pissing away the enviroment you showed that you truly lived doing whatever, whenever the fuck you wanted to do it. Way to go!

As a post script to this, my HR research department wishes to conduct a survey to see how effective this survivor guide was

1. on a scale of 1 - 10 how dead are you?

2. did this guide provide useful hints on how to eat human flesh?

3. How satisfied are you with the pending apocalypses?

Thank you and may your end be quick and painless.

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