Springing Forward To a Steak and a Blow Job Back

Springing Forward To a Steak and a Blow Job Back

You feel that? You, my friend, just went ahead in time. All the way ONE HOUR into the future! Yes, that's right. Time travel is possible and you just did it. Then again, everyone else who practices the ancient religion of catering to the farmers and fucking around with their clocks. Arizona, you're actually pretty smart on this one. All without the need of going 88 mph.

So why do we do this dance with the clock? Well, there's a couple of reasons, of course. It's mainly for farmers to be able to wake up with the sun and get as much done in the day. Then there's the safety element. U.S. law enforcement found that during Daylight Savings Time violent crime was down 10-13%. Which only leads to the question as to why we don't encourage the changing of time year round to maximize day light for all evening hours?



While it remains true that car accidents go down during the summer/daylight saving time, it actually increases the amount of pedestrian accidents by 186%. I guess it's simply because there's more people doing late evening walking with all the added sunlight. Still, you're losing an hour of sleep. That in itself should get you pretty pissed.

Most people can find plenty of reasons why to hate George Bush. One of my favorite and least cited is the fact that he signed into law a bill that made it so daylight saving time went from the second week of March till November instead of April till October. It used to be that it was Easter Weekend that you lost that hour and Halloween we gained one, now where here a full three weeks earlier and I'm about to lose another hour of sleep. What the fuck, man. At least this day isn't a total loss. It is, after all, Guy Valentine's day.



You know that old saying of "what's good for the goose is good for the gander"? Well, if you recall that around this time last month there was a certain celebration for a decapitated Saint who married people by secret. It revolved around buying flowers, candies and cards for your significant other. Seeing as that most guys don't give a shit, nor even like flowers and cards and would rather have a steak than some candy, it means that men got the short end of the stick on that one.

The solution? Steak and Blow Job Day! Yes, that's right. It is Steak and Blow Job day.

Forget the cards, we don't need them. The only flowers we're interested in is two-lips. No special night on the town with expensive pre-fixed menus. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just like snakes on a plane, this is snake in your mouth. This is the Ying to Valentine's Yang and oddly enough it's all about wang.. (I'm on a roll!)



How can you really go wrong with this holiday anyway? It's two things that will make a guy happy. A big portion of steak and someone to suck their dick. What more can you ask for? But.. How could I even suggest such a misogynistic thing?!?! Look, we took one for the team last month, now it's your turn to take one. It's not like guys are jumping for joy to shower you with those things that are forced upon by Valentine's Day.

Oh, what about chivalry? Don't get me wrong, while I generally think that the women's rights movement justifiably did away with Chivalry, I don't think it's dead... you'd be surprised how much chivalry will result from proper blow jobs. Believe you me, suck dick good enough and you'll get someone completely whipped on you.

Just think about it this way, how good do you want Valentine's to be next year? Impress him today and you may make a lasting impression so that he starts to think about making Valentine's day special for you next year.



Now listen guys, I know I'm standing up for the rights to get y0ur dick sucked, but let's not make this any harder (HA!) than it needs to be. You can do something to cut through any tension. How about making your sperm something that is actually desired to be eaten? Here's a couple of ways to change the way you taste;

1. Cut out alcohol, caffeine and nicotine from your diet
2. Drink lots of water to flush out the toxins.
3. Eat plenty of fruit a day to sweeten your sperm up.
(Pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples and grapes are all good choices. They're high in natural sugars and offset the bitter taste.
4. Eat plenty of vegetables.
Avoid vegetables from the cabbage family - Cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus
5. Cut back on red meat consumption - It'll make your man juice be salty. Cheese and milk can also have this effect.
6. Avoid heavy spices like garlic and onions - high sulfur content.
7. Parsley, Wheatgrass and celery are particularly recommended for sweeter semen taste.
8 Cinnamon, cardamom, peppermint and lemon are particularly recommended for making semen taste sweeter.
9. Avoid junk food, they're loaded with chemicals and preservatives that pollute your body and your semen's taste.

Or you can just forget all that hard "lifestyle change" bullshit and probably get away with buying this SEMENEX product. Though if you thought buying your girlfriend tampons was awkward, it's going to look funny when you take that to the register. Now that would potentially sell them on the taste.. but what if they don't know HOW to give a blow job?

Step 1. Get a new girlfriend.

If you feel like you've invested enough time with this one you can check my old blogs around February where I posted some article I found going into big detail about how to suck cock. It was comical as all hell, but if you don't want to click a month back, then here's this handy Blow Job 101 guide to help you out.

But on a final note.. maybe EVERYDAY should be a day you enjoy a steak or a blow job. Much like I raged against the machine during Valentine's day... maybe if you need a specific day to get something as simple and as common as this, than perhaps your relationship is suffering more than you'd like to admit. Now.. moving on to warm pie....



And on another note, I have to say that it's not by chance that another special day happens today. March 14 is a huge nerd celebration. Mainly because if they're left out of the blow jobs, they got to celebrate something. In this case they do. 3/14 is 3.14 day.. which is Pi day! Yes, that's right. Not only is it Daylight saving time and Steak and Blowjob day, but it's also Pi day.

Yes, that Greek letter that stands for the ratios of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Pi is an irrational number.. so much like women, irrational.. I mean.. wait, what? Well, since it's an irrational number it can't be expressed as a fraction. That also means that its decimal representation never ends pr repeats forever and ever.

Here's the first few hundred digits of pi;

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164
062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253
594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659
334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936
072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903
600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173
819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298
336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931
767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371
787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219
608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328
160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378
387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823
537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989380952
5720106548586327886593615338182796

Yup.. that there is a lot 'o' numbers. So perhaps you should eat some Pie on this Pi day. Sure seems odd to write about farmers, blow jobs and steaks and Pi eating nerds all in the same blog post, but trust me - they all come together (BAZINGA!)



On a final note, this is also Albert Einstein's birthday. Look at that man. If he wasn't all about eating the pi than I don't know what to believe. I mean, look at his tongue!

Happy-Going BACK TO THE FUTURE-Steak and Blow Job-Pi-Albert Einstein's birth.. -DAY!

Valentines Day Blows For So Many Reasons

Valentines Day Blows For So Many Reasons

This isn't coming from any bitter position. I've actually had a lot of Valentines dates in my days, I'm even in a loving very happy relationship right now. It's just that the whole reasoning and even the logic behind Valentine's day is just silly and it doesn't really represent much in the long term. It's simply me pointing out the clear ways that Valentine's day is such a stupid holiday. It's one of those that most guys believe they need to take part of, not because they actually care, but because they believe that in order to continue getting laid they need to make reservations in an overcrowded restaurant, get a dozen roses, a cheap Hallmark card and perhaps buy a bottle of champagne.

This is mostly an act. They don't really care, if they did, you wouldn't have to tell them to get you any one of those things on a specific day, they would get you them anyway. Flowers? Not only are they ten times more expensive on Valentines day, but it's such a cliche. Though I did already cover that aspect of it in the blog post of a couple of days ago. But think about it for a second. Do you really want something that is forced?

What does that say about the person who is with you? Wouldn't it mean a whole lot more getting them on a day that doesn't have everyone else receiving the same gift? If you actually believe you need to go through the motions on Valentines day and buy that shit then I feel bad for you. Ugh, that is not for me.



If you have to wine and dine them, give them foot rubs, massage them, shower them with flowers and gifts, spend a lot of money on them or any of those other admissions to get "in the door" then how worth it is it really? It's pretty clear that they're not really sexually attracted to you. "I can't have sex with you unless you wine and dine me." or something like "I'm not going to have sex with you till you rub my back." is utterly depressing to hear as a man and you shouldn't have to listen to that. That's a person's way of trying to delay the inevitable.

What they are saying in that is that they don't actually want to, or at least don't like to have sex with you. That in itself there is really very little enjoyment out of it that you need to barter with them into exchanging something they do actually enjoy, a back massage, for what you enjoy.. them laying there with their legs open waiting for you to finish already.



That in itself is a pretty big red flag that you should be noticing and getting the fuck out of that relationship. Would you rather take someone to a baseball game that will enjoy the game, pay attention to the score and get pumped when your team wins or would you rather take someone who is just going to sit there and wait for it to end? Exactly, life is more fun when you are sharing a common interest and if someone wouldn't do something you want (in this example sex) then what's the point of being with them?

So for any of you who are in a relationship where you feel like you're bargaining for sex.. or for anything that you need -be it flowers every once in a while or a gesture that you're beautiful still- Get out now! Why waste time with someone who is going through the motions when you can find someone else who will be more than happy to enjoy said motions (or whatever it is) with you?



What the hell is Valentines day anyway? It's yet another Christian piggy backing on a Pagan holiday. In this case it's the pagan fertility festival called Lupercalia. This celebration was marked in a subtly different way in those early days before the religious right took it over. According to National Geographic, in ancient Rome the 13th, 14th and 15th of February would have this celebration where young men would strip naked and use goat or dog-skin whips to spank the asses of young women in order to improve their fertility.

Then like it typically happens, the Christians latched themselves onto the party like some loser friend that just tags along to whatever cool event you are going to. In this case they used the deaths of two guys named Valentine to justify their whole deal. First off, Valentine of Terni who was martyred in the reign of Emperor Aurelian. Little is know about his life other than he was made a Bishop of Interamna (now Terni) and died not too long after he was imprisoned, tortured and beheaded on the Via Flaminia in Rome for his Christianity by the order of a Roman prefect.



Then another Christian, Valentine of Rome, who was also martyred, but this time under Emperor Claudius. He was arrested for giving aid to prisoners. While in jail, he is said to have converted his jailer by healing his blind daughter's sight. And according to another another version of this story he fell in love with the daughter, sending her a note saying "From your Valentine". Hall mark clearly ran with this one.

The most absurd of the stories is that Claudius was claimed to have banned young men from marrying, so that they would make better soldiers, and Valentine was arrested for secretly carrying out weddings. He was also killed and like the previous Valentine of Rome, he supposedly died on February 14th.



In AD 496 Pope Gelasius declared it to be St. Valentine's Day. A day for Christians to feast and enjoy.. which is clearly just him figuring out that the only way to beat them was to join them as Lupercalia was still popular at the time. And that's how we have Valentine's Day. Hardly any of those non-pagan ones sound even remotely romantic. Neither of which really calls for going out to eat for a high price. Which gets me to the whole eating out on this day.

Reservations to a favorite restaurant? What's the point? Restaurants already know that every rube comes out on Valentines day and so they can set up a pre-fixed menu that you're limited in selecting at a far greater price than if you went there any other day of the year. Not to mention that you'll be around a lot of people who don't normally eat out and don't have extremely high expectations out of their once-a-year outing. Do you want to experience your wait staff stressed out by that?



Then there's the gifts. Generally girls don't give guys a gift anyway. They usually use the excuse of sex as what they're giving them and like I said above, if you're gift is getting sex, what's so special about it considering you should be getting sex in a committed relationship anyway. If you aren't having sex than you should get out. So then what does one get the male for the day?

We all know that women are looking forward to the flowers, the jewelry, the chocolates and all that jazz, what do you get a guy for Valentine's day? I mean, it's a two way street, right? You really can't expect them to show you their affection without exchanging it in return. I guess this one falls back to being difficult to shop for. I typically get this asked;

"I want to buy you something you wouldn't buy yourself"

... Um, if I wouldn't buy for myself then why would I want it. See, this is what I don't like.. the lack of thought. I think if you're going to get someone something, just take that leap of faith at the store on what you think they may like and go for it. Isn't that what the whole purpose of giving someone something? The thought that counts...



So on this Valentine's Day.. I wish you nothing more than Happy Chinese New Years.

Go Out And Get Laid Already!

Go Out And Get Laid Already!

This blog post is going to make me sound like a complete asshole. I know very well that it will paint me in a way of being a womanizer and philanderer. It's a good thing that no one really reads these or at the least I write enough that in a weeks time, this one will be buried deep in the pile of new blog post. More than likely ones that are just silly.

So while I have your attention, let's just get it out the way.. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and well, I can honestly tell you that it is possibly the best day to ever go out to a bar stag and go home with someone. Knowing their name is optional, of course. But unless you're really terrible at socially talking, which chance is you are if you're reading this off face book or twitter, you're going to stand the best chance of getting some through this basic logical action.



So what makes tomorrow such an easy day to find those who are easy? A beheaded saint, that's what. We give Jesus so much praise for dying for our sins but we fail to realize that Saint Valentine died in order for us to get our sin on. Yes, that fool was beheaded and now all these decades later, we're making sure that heads.. are indeed getting all the be-HEADING that a head can get. Thank you Pope! You finally did something right.

This corporate/hallmark holiday has made it that single people, who I really prefer to call "unattached" are singled out like complete losers because they haven't found someone to split their income with. Society tells them that you are nobody unless you have somebody to call you some silly pet name. This public shaming leads me to pretty much guarentee that if you have even the smallest amount of charm, you will get laid on Valentine's day.



But Javier, there's not going to be hot chicks tomorrow at the bar, they must be with their Boyfriends. Not so. Those who are unattached will have no "wing (wo)man" from their married/attached girlfriends. Add in that those same attached friends will be with their significant others means that there will be a slew of ladies that go out to the bars for that sort of feeling.

And don't even worry about a girl looking to hot for you to go up to on Valentine's day at a bar. The facts are these, the hotter women are the ones with the least amount of self esteem. So there's really no reason to hit on them first when you're at the bar. Why would you hold yourself back? Come on, you can't be that bad of a person and really, you just never know.



You have to remember, they are at a bar on Valentine's day. That's a sign that they're trying to look for Mr. Right.......now. Yes, you can be that lucky man that even for one night, will be a reminder to that special lady or man that they are still desired even though they don't have someone to call their Valentine. Yes. They're looking to make a mistake. If you play your cards right, by buying a drink to the ones that look the loneliest.. or in some cases over compensating in trying to look happy while they drink down that fourth appletini, then you can be that mistake.

Am I talking out of my ass? Well, I normally am but I can tell you from my crazy wild youth that I have been out there on Valentine's day and it has indeed worked. You will not need the flowers. Trust me. Don't be that sad pathetic loser walking around the bar giving flowers to all the pretty ladies. Guess what, each person you give a flower to can see exactly who else in the room you gave a flower in hopes to use the shotgun blast method of shooting a round and hoping something eventually hits.



You will be used and abused like you should be if you're trying to pull that lame ass trick. Seriously, you can skip the chocolate and forget the flowers. All you're going to possibly need is to buy them a drink. I know, I'm way off my meds here. On a normal circumstance I would never recommend buying someone a drink. But let's just walk on the wild side here and just put it out there that this simple investment shows that you can actually care enough, where no one else was willing to buy them a box of chocolates, roses or anything else. So a drink seems to be miles ahead of not getting anything at all.

Remember, Valentine's day is a sexist holiday and as a very devout Feminist I should continue to cry out about how we should not celebrate it. But believe me, this is one of those days that you can take advantage of the fact that someone else didn't pay attention to that person and they're looking for some sort of person to fill the void. Just as you're looking for some way to.. fill a void. Oh man, I'm terrible right now.



I suppose the next question you have is how would you approach someone at a bar on Valentine's day without looking like a creep. My answer? Don't. When I used to hit up the bar I would go with the mind set of going in to wet my beak. Nothing more. If you have a sort of stench of desperation in how you carry yourself, it will be sniffed out with ease. If you pull up to the bar and just sit there with a drink and carry yourself as if you belong there, then that will make all the difference in the world.

Chances are you'll have them coming to you. Yes, it may sound like a complete surprise but if you look like you're having a good time then people who are at a bar on Valentine's day looking for a good time feel that you can fill that need. I wasn't even trying to go for the double meaning in that one right there. I may sound like Barney Stinson here, but guess what, it actually does work and it makes perfect sense.



The whole purpose of Valentine's day is to make women feel special. Those women who don't feel special enough or for that matter secure enough, will seek that security in the form of a quick fling. It's just being realistic here. And perhaps this does touch on a nerve of a couple of people as I always get people complaining that I'm degrading a gender. I couldn't be doing anything more further than that. If you're secure with yourself to not let Valentine's day get you, then you will be doing something a lot more enjoyable than a random strange on Valentine's day.

Good for you. But I'm not going to pass up the chance to teach all those who aren't in the know on what the mindset of lonely singles out there. Even if I am in a very happy relationship, I think it's important to spread this word around. So to the single men and women out there who are desperately searching for that significant other.. By all means put the lid back on that Ben and Jerry's ice cream, put on that little black dress or button up shirt and go out there and get a drink at the bar. You never know, cupid may be waiting for you... or at least the Trojan condom guy.

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Ah Tuesday. The sudden realization that you only have less than a week to buy something for your significant other in honor of a saint getting beheaded for marrying random shit. I'm very thankful that I don't live in those dark ages. Mainly because with my mail-order certificate I can now legally marry things and my acts of marrying pigeons to snakes in the park would get me burned in the middle of a village. Much like Saint Valentine.

Where was I? Oh yes, so we're less than a week to the dreaded Valentines Day. A day in which the church once again rode piggy back on the pagan celebration of Lupercalia, a fertility festival. Unlike the corporate Valentines day that you know of today, the young men back then would get goat/dog skins to whip girls asses in order to give them more fertility. Yup, it certainly is not your typical Valentines gift.



While ladies these days just don't appreciate a good whipping, well not all of them, you're going to have to find another way of showing your love. Because if there's one thing that's a given is that if you don't give anything.. well then, it's not going to be very pleasant. Know something else that women just don't appreciate? The skulls our boys in uniform send home. I guess flowers are still the universal gift...

So here we are at the cusp of the most god awful day of the year. Valentines day and with it comes the responsibility of getting your significant other a gift. Okay, let me correct that. It's the responsibility of guys to get their girlfriends a gift. Because let's face it, it's a female holiday. Guys typically get sex as their Valentines day gift. Do I need to point out that getting sex as a gift is like giving someone air for their birthday. If you're settling for that, you might as well kill yourself.



But since I'm not a complete asshole and I can at least understand what you need to do in order to tread water in this pay to play society, I'm going to help you out here in finding what should be the perfect gifts for your girlfriend. As my informed reading public, I do carry some responsibility for your safe passing into surviving this day with your significant other. And even though you wont see me celebrating, that doesn't mean I can't give you my opinion on this matter... So if you HAVE to do something, here's my suggestions;

Flowers
I learned at a young age that Flowers are really pointless. Ah yes, time to let you into my soul and bare witness to my humiliation. The first crush.. well, first high school crush, so to speak. Marisol. She was a shy looking girl. Glasses.. very much the less desired of girls in high school. By no means popular. I went ahead and got the fucking bright idea of getting her Flowers. Totally embarrassing here in front of the class. Not my goal, but it happened that way.

Now the kicker here is that since her last name started with a J and she sat within a chair or two behind me due to alphabetical seating chart, it was not the most happiest of outcomes as she did not appreciate the gesture of roses. Yeah, it was a little much for someone who wasn't in a relationship with the other person.



What you should learn from this story is this - Flowers are very cliche and very generic. They also don't speak to the person as anything special. Let's remember, this is the day that EVERY GOD DAMN PERSON WILL BE GETTING THEIR S.O. ROSES. It's not original, it's not creative and if you're with a guy who does this, you're pretty much settling for mediocrity.

If you can get away with buying Flowers on Feb 15th, by all means do so. You'll be saving a lot of money on those same flowers. But just remember that it's still beyond cliche and since everyone else is getting flowers, shop can mark them up by at least 40%.

Know the better method here? Get her flowers on March 23rd. Why? It's just a random day. That random act of kindness will completely surprise her. It will also do the job of reminding her that you still love her even on these days that Hallmark isn't telling you to BUY BUY BUY! You should also go with live flowers in some dirt. They will live for much longer, meaning that the memory of you getting her some pretty flowers will remain on her mind when you screw up and do something wrong, as well as you getting more bang for your buck.



Cards
I have to say that cards are really silly in general. So let me get this straight, you have to get Hallmark to express your feelings for you? Are we 12 again and passing around notes asking do you like me [ ] Yes [ ] No - Please check one. Do you really need some card maker putting words in your mouth? I just don't get it. I can easily get a pen and paper and write and write and write... Will it make sense? Probably not.

It will be like these blog post in terms of rambling, but you know what? That comes from the heart. It's a whole lot more meaningful than some generic line in a hallmark card. Besides that, I think someone getting a hand written letter shows a lot more affection than most other things as it does come from the heart. I would love a hand written letter on that day, why wouldn't you? It shows that someone got an archaic pen or pencil and put it against paper and spilled their emotions out to you. Now that's meaning.



Then don't get me started on those over sized ones. I mean, who even buys those? Do the trophy wives pick those up for their elderly sugar daddy to make sure they can read it and update their living will in order to get them on it before they croak? It goes hand in hand with those giant teddy bears.

Stuffed Bears/ Stuffed Animals

Is your girlfriend 13? If yes? Please contact your local police station and turn yourself in. If no? Then really, there's no reason why you should be giving your girlfriend a stuffed animal. I think this should be the new rule to anyone who is old enough to buy alcohol. It would make it a lot easier in dealing with those stuffed animals given by their ex's. You know the ones - The pile of stuffed animals on her bed.. Yeah, guess what. All those are just little reminders of the ex that will linger on forever and will lead to a fight between the two of you eventually.



I'm not going to be heartless, but let's face it, those are just constant reminders for her of the boyfriends of the past. You really can't any more clear than that. Not to mention that while it is cute for them and may be sweet, what does it really say? "Here, I'm emotionally detached enough that I need some third party assistance in giving you a hug or comforting you".

Then you have the build-a-bear places. I'm not sure I ever got the point of these places. You mean to tell me that I need to pay a higher fee in order to make my own than it would cost for me to get one made and shipped from China? Ha! I have no desire to be treated as child labor, so perhaps I'm just not the demographic to go for these build-a-bear places. And what about the over sized ones?



Those are just disturbing. It's also saying that you are trying too hard. She is going to leave you for a total jerk who wont be smothering her. Don't worry though, she'll come crying back to you every now and then when she is really treated bad by him. Though she'll mainly be asking you for advice on how she can change and tame such a bad boy.

Gift Baskets

This really doesn't do you any favors. It looks like you didn't try hard enough. It really does seem like you just ran into the CVS /Walgreens and picked up the first thing you saw. Everything in the basket, no matter how expensive it may have been, looks like it's cheaply bought and tossed together. It's just not worth it.




Not to mention that gift baskets are the shotgun blast of gifts. It's for those who have no idea what to give the other person, so they load up a small gift basket with as much crap as possible and then just pull the trigger and hope that you hit the target with at least one buck shot. Half the stuff will never be used. A lot of the items are dirt cheap crap that you really don't like anyway. It's what you give your doctor for the Holidays, not something you would give your significant other for Valentines day. At this point, you might as well NOT get her anything.

Chocolates



I think this is the ultimate in "Get you fat so you can't leave me by trying to look much hotter" moves. It's "sweets for my sweets" excuse really doesn't fly. Not to mention that it wasn't more than just a month and a half ago that after that midnight kiss they made a resolution to losing some weight or start eating healthier. Here you are thinking about getting them some chocolates. How thoughtful of you. What the fuck are you thinking?

The most typical form of chocolates is in a heart shaped box. No, it's not just a song by Nirvana that reached number one on the billboard charts in 1993. It's also the cheap plastic wrapped and more than likely poorly made box of cheap chocolates. The mars bar and three musketeer bar at the check out lane probably has more coco beans in it than the entire box of chocolates.



I think the Cigarette Smoking man from the X-files said the best thing about a box of chocolates and well, I can't compete with it, so why try?

Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.

See that there? That's how crappy a box of chocolate really is. As crappy as life itself. Considering that your S.O. is pretty much your life, just imagine what it says about her. BAZINGA!

Not to mention that it does very on the person. Chances are you can't remember your girlfriends favorite color, let alone her favorite candy. This is also another one of those buck shots of an attempt to get it right. My girlfriend loves a specific kind of See's candy. I'll be damned if I can remember which one it is. I think I can if I just see the package as it's one of those off the beaten track mix. But you see what I'm saying, it's just too much confusion, and while any chocolate in general wont be turned down, if you're going to shoot for that fat ass, then perhaps you should gain it on something that the person likes.



Then of course you can always get her a See's Candy workers costume. I'm sure that will go great in the bedroom when you're role playing. And speaking of bed room fun...

Pajamas

I'm not a big fan of pajamas in general. When I was little I don't ever recall having a pair of pajamas. I slept in clothes or just in my underwear. In fact, I think I mostly slept in clothing. I was sort of a never nude. Hell, for the longest time I would keep my clothing on till I was just about the step into the shower and wouldn't take socks or pants off or anything. So the idea of sleeping in Pajamas never really clicked with me.

It was only up until the last few years that I even started sleeping in my underwear/nude(TMI)/or with Pajama bottoms. So when I see ads from Pajama Gram pop up more and more as we go into the Valentines day festivity, I just have to wonder.. what the fuck?

First off, if you go to their website, you'll see some hot model who is clearly pushing up her cleavage to show off the pajamas in ways that unless you slept in a bra, your bust will not be coming out of that top. So let's toss the idea that it's even remotely sexy out the window based on that image.



I get the appeal of pajamas under other circumstances. They're warm and comfortable when it's cold. I guess living in either Los Angeles or Florida has afforded me the luxury of not knowing the cold harsh North East winters. But please don't pass it off as remotely sexy. It's not. In fact, it's also a mood killer in some cases.

There you are about to get intimate and in the moment. You start kissing each other, hands are starting to roam and clothing is starting to drop off. Let me get this straight, you take off your cloths.. AWESOME.. and then put on new layer of clothing? What?! That's not going to be productive in getting it on. It's like when you're playing Mario Brothers and you work your way through the castle to find the Princess, only to find out that she's in another Castle. You just have to start all over on your mission for undress. Let's take some examples;

Fleece Pajamas



I don't get this. I've seen winter clothing that is far more revealing and sexy than this. This is as bad as just lumping on some robe or some blanket and calling it a day. It's not sexy. It doesn't show any cleavage, it's not form fitting and so whatever curves you have aren't going to be showing.

In fact, the only thing really showing will be a lump of fabric that is going to make your very lovely curves look less appealing or totally hidden. There's also no way to get in there. What you're saying with this full outfit is that it's going to be as difficult as programing your VCR as it will be to get you out of these clothing if "business time" is going to happen.

Hoodie and Footie Pajamas



I'm not even sure where to start with this one. Am I suppose to be turned on by an outfit that looks like the bunny pajamas that kid in A Christmas Story wears? How is this sexy? How is this even remotely mature? If you have your girlfriend asking for this pair of pajamas you might as well question her mindset as it's really not all right up there.

Yes, it does have a zipper in the front, so if something is going to happen, there's at least that. But really, zippers aren't the safest in terms of sexual gear. The last thing you want to hassle with on Valentines day.. or any day for that matter is going to the emergency room because your girlfriends nipple got caught in the zipper or she pinched her clit and it got stuck while zipping up/down. Not to mention that you want to run the risk of putting your penis in near relation to a zipper? You're a braver soul than I. Do you also actually use the zipper to piss in your jeans?

Jewelry

No. Just no. It's very cliche and you're more than likely only going to be the same stupid heart shaped pendant that everyone else is getting everyone else's girlfriend. It's not going to mean much and it's going to be very specific.



If you must get them something in the line of Jewelry, limit yourself to $20. Yes, that's right. I said $20. You don't want to go over that because really, it's Valentines day and if you do go over that you're just going to be setting yourself up for future failure. More on that later..

But it is possible to only do the $20 dollar limit with this, you just have to get creative. If I was to get something for my girlfriend, and let's be honest here, I've already bashed on this holiday so much that I'm not doing anything.. PERIOD, I would go with the local artist/crafts to make something that is more personal. Browsing a local small shop like LOVE NAIL TREE, for example, comes up with a lot of great under $15 bucks gifts that look a lot more unique and special than anything found at a jewelry place.

Gift Cards
I don't get this one. Especially if you are married or in a very serious relationship with the person. Why are you going to buy them a gift card to some place when they already have control of half of your money anyway. If you're married then you already share a bank account. A gift card is just pointless.



An iPod

I wasn't going to mention this since, who the fuck gets someone an iPod for Valentines day? But I saw this ad for these things the other day in my e-mail and well, I just found them completely stupid in every possible way. This is not Christmas. Christmas was a couple of weeks ago. Hell, less than 8 weeks ago. Do you really need another big ticket item gift like this so soon?

Look at this shit. Come on Steve Jobs, aren't you set with the iPad to milk that for a while and not have to come back to this shit thrown on the wall to see what sticks sort of mentality by milking these iPods for every last squeeze?



I just don't get it. Why would you want to give someone you care about an iPod for Valentines day? It just doesn't make sense. If they wanted one, they would have gotten one for Christmas. And it doesn't make it any more romantic to get one on some love day.

You want to share music with them? Something that would be a lot more romantic would be to make a mix tape/cd for the other person. You can buy the music off iTunes and just burn it for them. Simple as that and it wont cost you about $100 in a silly iPod that she most likely already has by now anyway.

Dinner

This one.. well, this one is tricky. I'll touch on it more in a future blog post, but let's just put it this way, you want to be out eating on this night as much as you want to be out starting your holiday shopping on Christmas Eve. Not to mention that any place you go will more than likely have a pre-fixed menu. So you're not even going to be able to order off that if you're going to your favorite place to eat.

You don't want to be eating out on Valentines day. Just don't do it. If you're going to try to do anything here, make it enjoyable by making some food at home. If you're that terrible of a cook and can't watch an episode of Good Eats, then just order out and stay in for the night. Snuggling would be a lot more enjoyable than dealing with the outside world.



I think the important thing to remember is that you don't want to set the bar too high. You don't want to hear it in a month or two that you don't bring them flowers anymore or that you don't go out dancing anymore. For me, there will be no celebrating. There will be no eating out. I think I make my opinions pretty clear about my feelings on the day and how it really doesn't mean anything.

If you're willing to do these things on any other day of the year, then what makes them so needed or special on Valentines day? I already get my girlfriend flowers throughout the year as the season for them comes and goes. I already treat her with nice things. Just keep that in mind, if you do these little things here and there through the year, Valentines becomes pretty meaningless.

And even though I look that white lie "I don't care what we do" in the face many times, I never blink. Why yes, it can be nothing more than a test. And while failing this test will not make you a happy camper or the receiver of sex for some time, I think that if you're able to treat them right through out the year, then it's not like it matters that you avoided a very corporate and generic holiday that makes a gesture into a forced move.



In the end it just comes down to your own relationship. Does your S.O. need all that stuff to be happy? You tell me. But whatever you do, just don't take them to see Valentine's Day. What is this, Christmas with "It's a wonderful life"? It's not like you need to treat a corporate holiday with its own movie. Oh yes, why not milk the fact that couples are going to be looking to a movie to go see on that weekend. But god damn, that movie looks awful.

Donating Organs

Donating Organs

Right around this time of year it's all about giving your heart to someone... No, I'm not talking about Valentines day. Though that does sound like a pretty nice thing to do, right? I mean, have a heart.. literally, right? Yeah, I know. I'm sure that you gave in excess during the holidays as well as this whole recent Haiti shake up, I'm pretty sure you're all tapped out on giving, but don't be discouraged. Why don't you just try a bit more and be a little more giving with something more personal.. your organs. How about becoming an organ donor?

I'm telling you to cut out your organs right now. not at all, you need them with all the drinking you must have done during this time of year dealing with your in-laws and what not. But it wouldn't hurt you to put one of those stickers on your drivers license that shows that you'll give someone else your organs if, heaven forbid, something terribly bad happens to you.



Then again, you could always show your family you really care about their financial well being and not donate them, but arrange to have them sold on the black market. And if you plan on being cremated, why add more fuel to the fire? Just have your organs taken out and distributed before you're lit up. Even if that sounds like a really socialist thing to do, it's a nice gesture.

I suppose an even nicer gesture would be allowing people to have sex with your corpse. Wait, what? That was out of left field. But it does bring up a good question. I once had a long conversation with some really strange fella while waiting for the Gold line in downtown about this at a really late hour. Needless to say I was a little creeped out by the whole situation.



It id bring up some good points. Why would I care what some sick fuck did to my corpse. I'm dead, I no longer care what happens to me. Dead is dead. I have to say I don't share the fear of someone having some fun with my body after I'm gone. I would be fine with people fucking my dead body as much as they want as long as they took it out to dinner and a movie first. That would be an interesting sight for everyone else. It'll be like Weekend at Bernie's.

I guess the only problem would be that I'm not sure that people are allowed to have sex with state evidence. I mean, when I go out, I'm going out in style... In all truths the crazy public transportation dude had nothing to fear. You see that having sex with a dead body is not technically a crime in most states, but thanks to our fine government in Sacramento, it is illegal in California.



A little fun fact for you. In Alaska having sex with a dead body is the legal equivalent of a DUI, and probably more common.. But I have to say that's one frigid bitch.. am I right, boys?! Ha.. okay, But still, that's actually more strict than most states which have no laws at all except for the occasional local law from the 1640's that has the same legal weight as a ban on horses wearing diapers to ensure that the street sweeper's guild had something to do.

I keep hearing people not wanting to be an organ donor because they think that if the first responders see that you're an organ donor, they might not be inclined to save your life. They'll consider you a harvesting hot spot for a lot of other people's lives to be saved. I tend to disagree. It's not like they search your wallet first when showing up to the scene of the medical aid. At least I hope not.



So this coming Valentines day, perhaps you will also decide that you want to not only keep the option open of giving your heart to someone you care about.. but also to some total stranger you don't know.

Porn For Women

Porn For Women

It's Valentines Day.... Let's celebrate the death of a saint who kept marrying things even though he was told not to. Most of all, it's Christmas for women. At least that's what my friend told me when I let him know I had no plans for this day. He was surprised and told me I should "Go along with the program." and "Just get her roses or something."

I bet this is the same mentality that the Nazis used... Yes, that's right. I just said that. I'm not going to be a mindless follower, am I? So this is Christmas for women? Huh? I thought Christmas was only a month and a half ago. Then I asked what Easter was, besides my Birthday every couple of years. "Christmas for Kids", he replied.

So let me get this straight -Women can't wait more than two months to get Christmas II but kids can wait four months to get a second fill of getting freebies? Shit, Guys wait a whole seven months before they get Christmas II in the form of 4th of July and the ability to blow shit up.

Don't get me wrong. I'm planning on showing some sign of my affection to the special people in my life today. I'll just save the flowers for my Mother. I already spread around some Valentines crap (Jones Cola) to most of my friends of both genders. But I like to think that I've shown my feelings on days that aren't Feb 14th to make them feel Speshul. I'm really tempted to relax on Valentines day watching some really shitty Sci-fi movie laughing my ass off thinking of what last minute Birthday gift I should give my sister.

But for those Women who do want this to be Christmas II: Electric Boogaloo, I have to wonder if this book about what is Porn for women has any truth to it.


I bet this is making all you women gush. So much that the person nearest to you is saying "I'll have what she's having!" Or... maybe not.



At least they aren't marked up $20 bucks like they are today.



Pro tip: Don't get into a relationship with a retard who can't use google map.



What next? He's going to sit down to pee? PUUUUSSSSSSSSY!



Stupid book. Football season already ended like two weeks ago.


So this made me wonder what would be the equivalent of terribly exaggerated stereotype in what men would consider porn.



So... where's the dipstick to check the fluids? Ba-da-doom!



Yup. Seems about right

See, I'm even too lazy and apathatic to even continue this mocking tone towards Valentines day. I really can't think of anything else. I mean, why not just come right out with it.. Porn for guys usually doesn't need an oil change and certainly doesn't have anything to do with putting the toilet seat down. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with just busting these out...





HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

(god, I'm never getting laid again, I know)