The "GI Joe" Movie Is Everything Wrong With American Foreign Policy

The "G.I. Joe" Movie Is Everything Wrong With American Foreign Policy


Hell yeah, America! Back to where it belongs -- deploying military units accountable to no one and contemptuous towards any attempt at oversight. So far we have:

1. toppling of a major French monument (naturally we have to save France again, weaklings)
2. a covert military unit that doesn't have to answer to anyone
we answer to no one *slides on sunglasses*


Fuck you geneva conventions, you pansy faggots

I know. It would be pretty boring and anti-summer blockbuster rules if G.I. Joe needed to go and solve the issue with soft power, the whole movie would be them getting approvals from different government agency's to ok the use in language that goes into the letter they send Cobra. Then at the end the pace really picks up when they only have 24 hours to come up with a presentation to give the UN.

Then the trailer says that it's from the director of The Mummy like that's something to be proud of. G.I. Jane is a better movie and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that it was a lot more awesome than The Mummy. But hey, we do get a Brandon Fraiser cameo as shipwreck. Everyone's favorite G.I. Joe village people character. Stephen Sommers should be castrated for Van Helsing. That seriously was one piece of shit film.

Besides, We already had a GREAT G.I. Joe movie with an awesome intro


I'm not even complaining because of nostalgic reasons. I'm sure if I saw that in anything these days I would spew out my liberal nonsense. I guess I just don't think there's a reason to bring G.I. Joe into the real world. Who wants to see G.I. Joe strap a car battery to an iraqi taxi driver's balls. This will be another one of those movies the manchildren will heap scorn on while it goes on to earn hundreds of millions of dollars and they go hunting for all the action figures at Target and Wal-Mart anyway, right?

Though opening weekend they will pay money for the midnight showing and mash "10" with their cheetos-encrusted fingers on IMDB before heading off to GameFAQs to express how "OMG EPIC" the movie was. Then a year later it'll be back to whining, crying and complaining about how nobody takes children's IPs seriously like they do in between sips of their Mountain Dew.



Kind of like Transformers all over again. And kind of like Transformers, we wont know what the fuck is happening on the screen. I mean, what the hell is going on in that street scene. Jesus christ I can't make heads or tales of what is flipping around. I assume it's snake eyes and storm shadow but still... can't they make it look at least understandable.

Both franchises were pretty much half hour commercials to buy toys. Oh yeah, they also provided helpful life lessons in every episode.



The coolest thing to do with GI Joe action figures was to break them into pieces and then use their parts to create or repair other GI Joes. I would both love and hate my G.I. Joe action figures. Maybe it was because I paid my Dad a couple of weeks of allowances to mail away for some special Cobra Commander and Joe helicopters and THEY.NEVER.CAME! Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure he never actually sent it away and used the money to buy some pot.

I guess I'm going to have to see this movie the same way I would approach having angry sex with a conservative. Just go full on it with bitter hate and hope there's some enjoyment out of it. Otherwise I wont have anything to see during the summer. It's all either Old TV made to film or sequels. Even the shitty summer movies this year are especially terrible.


Dennis Quad's agent is only allowed to read bad scripts

The Superbowl sure did show off a lot of crappy movies that will make millions waste a lot of money. At least The Dark Knight's political message was fighting terror with terrorism only creates more terrorism. G.I. Joe on the other hand, decided to extend their reach into a fully international unit, not an American/NATO one anymore.

I give Cobra credit. Taking out the Eiffel tower? Well played. Sure, Team America already did it, and some would say BETTER. It's no acid burn, but the Eiffel tower seriously needs to be replaced with something better looking. It's like a precursor to the terrible architecture of the mid to late 20th century. Fuck Brutalism and bring back art deco.


Ray Park.. because going to convention to convention selling Star Wars autographs is far worse terrorism.

Seeing it fall on screen should be a reminder that the eiffel tower was just a giant dick built up to make up for the french getting destroyed by the Germans. Oh, also a way for eiffel to rob the government.

I always liked how G. I. Joe was a self-depreciating nickname American soldiers gave themselves because their commanding officers considered them interchangeable and expendable, and the WWII propaganda machine turned it into a cutesy "our good ol' boys" thing.


Hell. To. The. YES!

So on one hand it's thinly veiled propaganda, and a crass attempt to cash in on the public's nostalgia for 80's saturday morning cartoons. and on the other hand, sienna miller in pvc psuedo-dominatrix gear. I can tell you one thing. Sienna Miller is way more attractive than Osama Bin Laden could ever hope to be. So on that aspect alone, I think the terrorist have won at being extremely sexy.

One thing is for certain, Redheads are never something wrong with American foreign policy or anything... ever.

Cause It's Thriller... Now?

Cause It's Thriller... Now?



On Saturday October 25th at 6pm the world will catch a brief glance at a bunch of witty people attempt in some tragically bad way to get attention. Thrill Around The World is something like a public cry for help or attention. Perhaps a little of both.

As much as I'm a fan of zombies, this is taking Zombie Walks one step towards the creepy side considering you are mimicking a Michael Jackson dance.. in public. And without the use of alcohol which is something I would not dare attempt sober. To these brave souls, it's an event to get their thrill on.

The funny aspect here is the inmate who had to play the female character.

I would be sorry for these folks if it wasn't for one thing.. I hated Thriller. It scared the shit out of me as a kid. I ran out of the room whenever it came on. Perhaps I just knew long before everyone else that MJ was not to be trusted with children. It was my survival instinct kicking in telling me to run away from this scary freak. Clearly something was off when a zombie was dancing instead of shambling!

One of my first memories of being dreadfully frightened by thriller was at my grandparents house around this festive Halloween season. We were all sitting around watching whatever Halloween themed show was going on and then Thriller showed up on the screen. It freaked me out. Holy shit what were these horrible things and why were they dancing around? I grabbed my younger cousin by the hand and ran out the door. This happened every time the video came on.


Proof that no one does it better than Bollywood.

I wasn't scared of Dracula or vampires. Werewolves could suck my balls. Frankenstein? Please. He's not even a threat. But Michael Jackson as a hip swinging zombie dancing around? Scared me shit less. So the mere fact that people are going to try to dance around in a sort of drunken, total strangers coming together for the first time to do a difficult dance sequence way confuses me. It will be a mess. A total mess.


That doesn't look like a dance move...

Perhaps it should be a reminder to me of how bad I was scared of Michael Jackson and zombies with rhythm. I should take a moment and thank Michael for instilling such fear into my childhood. When I think about doomsday/horror situations that could happen or that I would find myself, a zombie infestation is the only one I can say with certainty that I would not only survive, but I would have a lot of fun with.



I bought countless books. Watched countless zombie films. Studied all the potentials of the dead coming back again and how to handle them. Bring them down, survive and move in the a destroyed world against a relentless horde of eternal slumber-rejects. There would be no stopping me. I'd be one of those having too much of a good time shooting zombies I tell you. It's actually a little frightening to think about how much I'd enjoy it. So perhaps I'll stop talking about that gleefulness there.

Years of living in fear of a that Peter Pan syndrome singer has made me into a better person. Well, "Better" can be argued. Either way, I wont be laying down to any brain hungry corpse anytime soon. That much is certain and it's all thanks to a music video by Michael Jackson. If not for his work, I would be some big pussy now afraid of zombies instead of getting past my pansyness out of the way when I was younger. Hell, I might have been afraid of things like the dark or worm laying crickets. Pfft. What kind of pansy would I be then?



So on October 25th, go out and dance your silly, unorganized out of sync dance if you want. I'll be in boarding up my door, arming up my reinforced armor plated bus and loading up my guns.... that or hiding in the corner because what the fuck, why would you dance in public like that by choice? I don't know. All I do know is that come Z-day, it'll be poetic justice if I find myself faced against a zombie Michael Jackson. Let's see you moonwalk your way out of a machete. lobbing off your head. Got to keep gun fire to a minimum. Wouldn't want to attract stragglers to my location.