Valentines Day Blows For So Many Reasons

Valentines Day Blows For So Many Reasons

This isn't coming from any bitter position. I've actually had a lot of Valentines dates in my days, I'm even in a loving very happy relationship right now. It's just that the whole reasoning and even the logic behind Valentine's day is just silly and it doesn't really represent much in the long term. It's simply me pointing out the clear ways that Valentine's day is such a stupid holiday. It's one of those that most guys believe they need to take part of, not because they actually care, but because they believe that in order to continue getting laid they need to make reservations in an overcrowded restaurant, get a dozen roses, a cheap Hallmark card and perhaps buy a bottle of champagne.

This is mostly an act. They don't really care, if they did, you wouldn't have to tell them to get you any one of those things on a specific day, they would get you them anyway. Flowers? Not only are they ten times more expensive on Valentines day, but it's such a cliche. Though I did already cover that aspect of it in the blog post of a couple of days ago. But think about it for a second. Do you really want something that is forced?

What does that say about the person who is with you? Wouldn't it mean a whole lot more getting them on a day that doesn't have everyone else receiving the same gift? If you actually believe you need to go through the motions on Valentines day and buy that shit then I feel bad for you. Ugh, that is not for me.



If you have to wine and dine them, give them foot rubs, massage them, shower them with flowers and gifts, spend a lot of money on them or any of those other admissions to get "in the door" then how worth it is it really? It's pretty clear that they're not really sexually attracted to you. "I can't have sex with you unless you wine and dine me." or something like "I'm not going to have sex with you till you rub my back." is utterly depressing to hear as a man and you shouldn't have to listen to that. That's a person's way of trying to delay the inevitable.

What they are saying in that is that they don't actually want to, or at least don't like to have sex with you. That in itself there is really very little enjoyment out of it that you need to barter with them into exchanging something they do actually enjoy, a back massage, for what you enjoy.. them laying there with their legs open waiting for you to finish already.



That in itself is a pretty big red flag that you should be noticing and getting the fuck out of that relationship. Would you rather take someone to a baseball game that will enjoy the game, pay attention to the score and get pumped when your team wins or would you rather take someone who is just going to sit there and wait for it to end? Exactly, life is more fun when you are sharing a common interest and if someone wouldn't do something you want (in this example sex) then what's the point of being with them?

So for any of you who are in a relationship where you feel like you're bargaining for sex.. or for anything that you need -be it flowers every once in a while or a gesture that you're beautiful still- Get out now! Why waste time with someone who is going through the motions when you can find someone else who will be more than happy to enjoy said motions (or whatever it is) with you?



What the hell is Valentines day anyway? It's yet another Christian piggy backing on a Pagan holiday. In this case it's the pagan fertility festival called Lupercalia. This celebration was marked in a subtly different way in those early days before the religious right took it over. According to National Geographic, in ancient Rome the 13th, 14th and 15th of February would have this celebration where young men would strip naked and use goat or dog-skin whips to spank the asses of young women in order to improve their fertility.

Then like it typically happens, the Christians latched themselves onto the party like some loser friend that just tags along to whatever cool event you are going to. In this case they used the deaths of two guys named Valentine to justify their whole deal. First off, Valentine of Terni who was martyred in the reign of Emperor Aurelian. Little is know about his life other than he was made a Bishop of Interamna (now Terni) and died not too long after he was imprisoned, tortured and beheaded on the Via Flaminia in Rome for his Christianity by the order of a Roman prefect.



Then another Christian, Valentine of Rome, who was also martyred, but this time under Emperor Claudius. He was arrested for giving aid to prisoners. While in jail, he is said to have converted his jailer by healing his blind daughter's sight. And according to another another version of this story he fell in love with the daughter, sending her a note saying "From your Valentine". Hall mark clearly ran with this one.

The most absurd of the stories is that Claudius was claimed to have banned young men from marrying, so that they would make better soldiers, and Valentine was arrested for secretly carrying out weddings. He was also killed and like the previous Valentine of Rome, he supposedly died on February 14th.



In AD 496 Pope Gelasius declared it to be St. Valentine's Day. A day for Christians to feast and enjoy.. which is clearly just him figuring out that the only way to beat them was to join them as Lupercalia was still popular at the time. And that's how we have Valentine's Day. Hardly any of those non-pagan ones sound even remotely romantic. Neither of which really calls for going out to eat for a high price. Which gets me to the whole eating out on this day.

Reservations to a favorite restaurant? What's the point? Restaurants already know that every rube comes out on Valentines day and so they can set up a pre-fixed menu that you're limited in selecting at a far greater price than if you went there any other day of the year. Not to mention that you'll be around a lot of people who don't normally eat out and don't have extremely high expectations out of their once-a-year outing. Do you want to experience your wait staff stressed out by that?



Then there's the gifts. Generally girls don't give guys a gift anyway. They usually use the excuse of sex as what they're giving them and like I said above, if you're gift is getting sex, what's so special about it considering you should be getting sex in a committed relationship anyway. If you aren't having sex than you should get out. So then what does one get the male for the day?

We all know that women are looking forward to the flowers, the jewelry, the chocolates and all that jazz, what do you get a guy for Valentine's day? I mean, it's a two way street, right? You really can't expect them to show you their affection without exchanging it in return. I guess this one falls back to being difficult to shop for. I typically get this asked;

"I want to buy you something you wouldn't buy yourself"

... Um, if I wouldn't buy for myself then why would I want it. See, this is what I don't like.. the lack of thought. I think if you're going to get someone something, just take that leap of faith at the store on what you think they may like and go for it. Isn't that what the whole purpose of giving someone something? The thought that counts...



So on this Valentine's Day.. I wish you nothing more than Happy Chinese New Years.

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Ah Tuesday. The sudden realization that you only have less than a week to buy something for your significant other in honor of a saint getting beheaded for marrying random shit. I'm very thankful that I don't live in those dark ages. Mainly because with my mail-order certificate I can now legally marry things and my acts of marrying pigeons to snakes in the park would get me burned in the middle of a village. Much like Saint Valentine.

Where was I? Oh yes, so we're less than a week to the dreaded Valentines Day. A day in which the church once again rode piggy back on the pagan celebration of Lupercalia, a fertility festival. Unlike the corporate Valentines day that you know of today, the young men back then would get goat/dog skins to whip girls asses in order to give them more fertility. Yup, it certainly is not your typical Valentines gift.



While ladies these days just don't appreciate a good whipping, well not all of them, you're going to have to find another way of showing your love. Because if there's one thing that's a given is that if you don't give anything.. well then, it's not going to be very pleasant. Know something else that women just don't appreciate? The skulls our boys in uniform send home. I guess flowers are still the universal gift...

So here we are at the cusp of the most god awful day of the year. Valentines day and with it comes the responsibility of getting your significant other a gift. Okay, let me correct that. It's the responsibility of guys to get their girlfriends a gift. Because let's face it, it's a female holiday. Guys typically get sex as their Valentines day gift. Do I need to point out that getting sex as a gift is like giving someone air for their birthday. If you're settling for that, you might as well kill yourself.



But since I'm not a complete asshole and I can at least understand what you need to do in order to tread water in this pay to play society, I'm going to help you out here in finding what should be the perfect gifts for your girlfriend. As my informed reading public, I do carry some responsibility for your safe passing into surviving this day with your significant other. And even though you wont see me celebrating, that doesn't mean I can't give you my opinion on this matter... So if you HAVE to do something, here's my suggestions;

Flowers
I learned at a young age that Flowers are really pointless. Ah yes, time to let you into my soul and bare witness to my humiliation. The first crush.. well, first high school crush, so to speak. Marisol. She was a shy looking girl. Glasses.. very much the less desired of girls in high school. By no means popular. I went ahead and got the fucking bright idea of getting her Flowers. Totally embarrassing here in front of the class. Not my goal, but it happened that way.

Now the kicker here is that since her last name started with a J and she sat within a chair or two behind me due to alphabetical seating chart, it was not the most happiest of outcomes as she did not appreciate the gesture of roses. Yeah, it was a little much for someone who wasn't in a relationship with the other person.



What you should learn from this story is this - Flowers are very cliche and very generic. They also don't speak to the person as anything special. Let's remember, this is the day that EVERY GOD DAMN PERSON WILL BE GETTING THEIR S.O. ROSES. It's not original, it's not creative and if you're with a guy who does this, you're pretty much settling for mediocrity.

If you can get away with buying Flowers on Feb 15th, by all means do so. You'll be saving a lot of money on those same flowers. But just remember that it's still beyond cliche and since everyone else is getting flowers, shop can mark them up by at least 40%.

Know the better method here? Get her flowers on March 23rd. Why? It's just a random day. That random act of kindness will completely surprise her. It will also do the job of reminding her that you still love her even on these days that Hallmark isn't telling you to BUY BUY BUY! You should also go with live flowers in some dirt. They will live for much longer, meaning that the memory of you getting her some pretty flowers will remain on her mind when you screw up and do something wrong, as well as you getting more bang for your buck.



Cards
I have to say that cards are really silly in general. So let me get this straight, you have to get Hallmark to express your feelings for you? Are we 12 again and passing around notes asking do you like me [ ] Yes [ ] No - Please check one. Do you really need some card maker putting words in your mouth? I just don't get it. I can easily get a pen and paper and write and write and write... Will it make sense? Probably not.

It will be like these blog post in terms of rambling, but you know what? That comes from the heart. It's a whole lot more meaningful than some generic line in a hallmark card. Besides that, I think someone getting a hand written letter shows a lot more affection than most other things as it does come from the heart. I would love a hand written letter on that day, why wouldn't you? It shows that someone got an archaic pen or pencil and put it against paper and spilled their emotions out to you. Now that's meaning.



Then don't get me started on those over sized ones. I mean, who even buys those? Do the trophy wives pick those up for their elderly sugar daddy to make sure they can read it and update their living will in order to get them on it before they croak? It goes hand in hand with those giant teddy bears.

Stuffed Bears/ Stuffed Animals

Is your girlfriend 13? If yes? Please contact your local police station and turn yourself in. If no? Then really, there's no reason why you should be giving your girlfriend a stuffed animal. I think this should be the new rule to anyone who is old enough to buy alcohol. It would make it a lot easier in dealing with those stuffed animals given by their ex's. You know the ones - The pile of stuffed animals on her bed.. Yeah, guess what. All those are just little reminders of the ex that will linger on forever and will lead to a fight between the two of you eventually.



I'm not going to be heartless, but let's face it, those are just constant reminders for her of the boyfriends of the past. You really can't any more clear than that. Not to mention that while it is cute for them and may be sweet, what does it really say? "Here, I'm emotionally detached enough that I need some third party assistance in giving you a hug or comforting you".

Then you have the build-a-bear places. I'm not sure I ever got the point of these places. You mean to tell me that I need to pay a higher fee in order to make my own than it would cost for me to get one made and shipped from China? Ha! I have no desire to be treated as child labor, so perhaps I'm just not the demographic to go for these build-a-bear places. And what about the over sized ones?



Those are just disturbing. It's also saying that you are trying too hard. She is going to leave you for a total jerk who wont be smothering her. Don't worry though, she'll come crying back to you every now and then when she is really treated bad by him. Though she'll mainly be asking you for advice on how she can change and tame such a bad boy.

Gift Baskets

This really doesn't do you any favors. It looks like you didn't try hard enough. It really does seem like you just ran into the CVS /Walgreens and picked up the first thing you saw. Everything in the basket, no matter how expensive it may have been, looks like it's cheaply bought and tossed together. It's just not worth it.




Not to mention that gift baskets are the shotgun blast of gifts. It's for those who have no idea what to give the other person, so they load up a small gift basket with as much crap as possible and then just pull the trigger and hope that you hit the target with at least one buck shot. Half the stuff will never be used. A lot of the items are dirt cheap crap that you really don't like anyway. It's what you give your doctor for the Holidays, not something you would give your significant other for Valentines day. At this point, you might as well NOT get her anything.

Chocolates



I think this is the ultimate in "Get you fat so you can't leave me by trying to look much hotter" moves. It's "sweets for my sweets" excuse really doesn't fly. Not to mention that it wasn't more than just a month and a half ago that after that midnight kiss they made a resolution to losing some weight or start eating healthier. Here you are thinking about getting them some chocolates. How thoughtful of you. What the fuck are you thinking?

The most typical form of chocolates is in a heart shaped box. No, it's not just a song by Nirvana that reached number one on the billboard charts in 1993. It's also the cheap plastic wrapped and more than likely poorly made box of cheap chocolates. The mars bar and three musketeer bar at the check out lane probably has more coco beans in it than the entire box of chocolates.



I think the Cigarette Smoking man from the X-files said the best thing about a box of chocolates and well, I can't compete with it, so why try?

Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.

See that there? That's how crappy a box of chocolate really is. As crappy as life itself. Considering that your S.O. is pretty much your life, just imagine what it says about her. BAZINGA!

Not to mention that it does very on the person. Chances are you can't remember your girlfriends favorite color, let alone her favorite candy. This is also another one of those buck shots of an attempt to get it right. My girlfriend loves a specific kind of See's candy. I'll be damned if I can remember which one it is. I think I can if I just see the package as it's one of those off the beaten track mix. But you see what I'm saying, it's just too much confusion, and while any chocolate in general wont be turned down, if you're going to shoot for that fat ass, then perhaps you should gain it on something that the person likes.



Then of course you can always get her a See's Candy workers costume. I'm sure that will go great in the bedroom when you're role playing. And speaking of bed room fun...

Pajamas

I'm not a big fan of pajamas in general. When I was little I don't ever recall having a pair of pajamas. I slept in clothes or just in my underwear. In fact, I think I mostly slept in clothing. I was sort of a never nude. Hell, for the longest time I would keep my clothing on till I was just about the step into the shower and wouldn't take socks or pants off or anything. So the idea of sleeping in Pajamas never really clicked with me.

It was only up until the last few years that I even started sleeping in my underwear/nude(TMI)/or with Pajama bottoms. So when I see ads from Pajama Gram pop up more and more as we go into the Valentines day festivity, I just have to wonder.. what the fuck?

First off, if you go to their website, you'll see some hot model who is clearly pushing up her cleavage to show off the pajamas in ways that unless you slept in a bra, your bust will not be coming out of that top. So let's toss the idea that it's even remotely sexy out the window based on that image.



I get the appeal of pajamas under other circumstances. They're warm and comfortable when it's cold. I guess living in either Los Angeles or Florida has afforded me the luxury of not knowing the cold harsh North East winters. But please don't pass it off as remotely sexy. It's not. In fact, it's also a mood killer in some cases.

There you are about to get intimate and in the moment. You start kissing each other, hands are starting to roam and clothing is starting to drop off. Let me get this straight, you take off your cloths.. AWESOME.. and then put on new layer of clothing? What?! That's not going to be productive in getting it on. It's like when you're playing Mario Brothers and you work your way through the castle to find the Princess, only to find out that she's in another Castle. You just have to start all over on your mission for undress. Let's take some examples;

Fleece Pajamas



I don't get this. I've seen winter clothing that is far more revealing and sexy than this. This is as bad as just lumping on some robe or some blanket and calling it a day. It's not sexy. It doesn't show any cleavage, it's not form fitting and so whatever curves you have aren't going to be showing.

In fact, the only thing really showing will be a lump of fabric that is going to make your very lovely curves look less appealing or totally hidden. There's also no way to get in there. What you're saying with this full outfit is that it's going to be as difficult as programing your VCR as it will be to get you out of these clothing if "business time" is going to happen.

Hoodie and Footie Pajamas



I'm not even sure where to start with this one. Am I suppose to be turned on by an outfit that looks like the bunny pajamas that kid in A Christmas Story wears? How is this sexy? How is this even remotely mature? If you have your girlfriend asking for this pair of pajamas you might as well question her mindset as it's really not all right up there.

Yes, it does have a zipper in the front, so if something is going to happen, there's at least that. But really, zippers aren't the safest in terms of sexual gear. The last thing you want to hassle with on Valentines day.. or any day for that matter is going to the emergency room because your girlfriends nipple got caught in the zipper or she pinched her clit and it got stuck while zipping up/down. Not to mention that you want to run the risk of putting your penis in near relation to a zipper? You're a braver soul than I. Do you also actually use the zipper to piss in your jeans?

Jewelry

No. Just no. It's very cliche and you're more than likely only going to be the same stupid heart shaped pendant that everyone else is getting everyone else's girlfriend. It's not going to mean much and it's going to be very specific.



If you must get them something in the line of Jewelry, limit yourself to $20. Yes, that's right. I said $20. You don't want to go over that because really, it's Valentines day and if you do go over that you're just going to be setting yourself up for future failure. More on that later..

But it is possible to only do the $20 dollar limit with this, you just have to get creative. If I was to get something for my girlfriend, and let's be honest here, I've already bashed on this holiday so much that I'm not doing anything.. PERIOD, I would go with the local artist/crafts to make something that is more personal. Browsing a local small shop like LOVE NAIL TREE, for example, comes up with a lot of great under $15 bucks gifts that look a lot more unique and special than anything found at a jewelry place.

Gift Cards
I don't get this one. Especially if you are married or in a very serious relationship with the person. Why are you going to buy them a gift card to some place when they already have control of half of your money anyway. If you're married then you already share a bank account. A gift card is just pointless.



An iPod

I wasn't going to mention this since, who the fuck gets someone an iPod for Valentines day? But I saw this ad for these things the other day in my e-mail and well, I just found them completely stupid in every possible way. This is not Christmas. Christmas was a couple of weeks ago. Hell, less than 8 weeks ago. Do you really need another big ticket item gift like this so soon?

Look at this shit. Come on Steve Jobs, aren't you set with the iPad to milk that for a while and not have to come back to this shit thrown on the wall to see what sticks sort of mentality by milking these iPods for every last squeeze?



I just don't get it. Why would you want to give someone you care about an iPod for Valentines day? It just doesn't make sense. If they wanted one, they would have gotten one for Christmas. And it doesn't make it any more romantic to get one on some love day.

You want to share music with them? Something that would be a lot more romantic would be to make a mix tape/cd for the other person. You can buy the music off iTunes and just burn it for them. Simple as that and it wont cost you about $100 in a silly iPod that she most likely already has by now anyway.

Dinner

This one.. well, this one is tricky. I'll touch on it more in a future blog post, but let's just put it this way, you want to be out eating on this night as much as you want to be out starting your holiday shopping on Christmas Eve. Not to mention that any place you go will more than likely have a pre-fixed menu. So you're not even going to be able to order off that if you're going to your favorite place to eat.

You don't want to be eating out on Valentines day. Just don't do it. If you're going to try to do anything here, make it enjoyable by making some food at home. If you're that terrible of a cook and can't watch an episode of Good Eats, then just order out and stay in for the night. Snuggling would be a lot more enjoyable than dealing with the outside world.



I think the important thing to remember is that you don't want to set the bar too high. You don't want to hear it in a month or two that you don't bring them flowers anymore or that you don't go out dancing anymore. For me, there will be no celebrating. There will be no eating out. I think I make my opinions pretty clear about my feelings on the day and how it really doesn't mean anything.

If you're willing to do these things on any other day of the year, then what makes them so needed or special on Valentines day? I already get my girlfriend flowers throughout the year as the season for them comes and goes. I already treat her with nice things. Just keep that in mind, if you do these little things here and there through the year, Valentines becomes pretty meaningless.

And even though I look that white lie "I don't care what we do" in the face many times, I never blink. Why yes, it can be nothing more than a test. And while failing this test will not make you a happy camper or the receiver of sex for some time, I think that if you're able to treat them right through out the year, then it's not like it matters that you avoided a very corporate and generic holiday that makes a gesture into a forced move.



In the end it just comes down to your own relationship. Does your S.O. need all that stuff to be happy? You tell me. But whatever you do, just don't take them to see Valentine's Day. What is this, Christmas with "It's a wonderful life"? It's not like you need to treat a corporate holiday with its own movie. Oh yes, why not milk the fact that couples are going to be looking to a movie to go see on that weekend. But god damn, that movie looks awful.