The Bible Baddies

The Bible Baddies

It's Sunday. You know what that means. Time to praise Jesus! OOOOh yeah! But while in the middle of the talking in tongues you should stop for a minute and check out the top ten villains in the bible, according to The Christian Handbook

1. Satan
2. The serpent
3. Pharaoh (probably Set I or Rameses II)
4. Goliath
5. Jezebel
6. King Herod
7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes
8. Judas
9. Pontius Pilate
10. God's people

-- The Christian Handbook

First off, WRONG! The greatest villain is humanity. I think there's no doubt about that. I could end this blog post right now, but then I wouldn't have as much fun, being that I'm part of the greatest villains of humanity, right. Instead, let's actually look at the real villains on this list and who actually is bad.



Satan isn't a villain. Satan is just a dude doing his job, you people need to get off his back already. Satan killed like 10 dudes. God killed like 100 million. Maybe you theists should consider who the REAL evil is.
~~~*S*a*T*a*N*c*R*e*W*~~~

Then let's even get into that detail of the ten or so dudes that Satan kills.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job ... And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.
...
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the LORD ... put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
...
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house...And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. -- Job 1:1-19

Ah, so Satan's ten kills were the result of a dare/prop bet from God. Apart from the whole 'rebellion' thing, did Satan actually do anything bad in the bible or did he just get slandered a lot? I mean, seriously, what kind of chump thinks Satan is the villain of the bible, not the hero?

God made Satan as one of his angels, god is omnipotent - which means he can see the future, therefore because god knew that Satan would turn but created him anyway, god is the most evil entity in the universe. If you were the omnipotent, omnipresent Abrahamic god, the only moral thing to do would be to kill yourself.



The number one on that list should read as follows;

1. God- Wrecks shit constantly.

God's reaction to everything seems to be pretty much the same - Devastate the entire city it took place in. You can't forget God when thinking of bible Villains. Consider the story of brothers Onan and Er. Er did something to piss off God (he was 'wicked', who knows what that means) so God fucking killed him. Then God told Onan to have sex with Er's wife. Onan reluctantly complied, after all, God is a fucking sociopath who kills you for no good reason. When he was about to cum, he pulled out and jizzed on the ground instead of inside his sister-in-law, which God killed him for.

The moral of this Bible story is that God is a fucking psycho and when he tells you to rape your sister-in-law, you'd better fucking cum inside her if you know what's good for you. Wouldn't want a single drop of sperm to go to waste. Hear that? You masturbating angers god. God is literally a sociopath with a gun making you rape your family. If you think I'm exaggerating, read the story, it's really something.



Look at that cute painting of Onan. He looks like he just came or got killed, turns out it was both. Really makes you think - The old testament God was way rowdier than new testament god. He really seemed to calm down and get his act together once he had that kid.

I know that's a bit much to take in. I haven't even gotten to the point where God demands 6 golden rats and 6 golden hemorrhoids. He's a sure fire asshole, but the guy clearly has a sense of humor of some kind, right? Maybe we should look at some of the others who made that list and see if they actually belong.

7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes

I like how they put this down instead of just "The Jews". One could argue that this is more the biblical equivalent of "ivory tower elitists". But that fails to account for the fact that the Pharisees and Sadducees were two sects of Judaism account for about 99% of Jews in the world at the time. Modern Orthodox Jews are, in terms of their practices and beliefs, identical to the Pharisees. The Sadducees simply died out.



So saying "The Pharisees" are uber-villains is either profoundly ignorant of what the term means and of history, or simply a polite way of saying "THE JEWS". The authors of the list are probably just dumb though. The Pharisees are considered to be the "overly legalistic" class, not the conservative orthodoxy though those have quite a bit of overlap.

Speaking of the Jews, let's not forget the original bible OG Cain. Fool straight up invented murder, killed somebody before God even. But then again we go back to the start and realize who built this murderer? God. Yup, if this was a CSI episode, all the evidence would be pointing back to God as the main asshole.



Who I'm also surprised not to see on that list - Delilah or Eve. Hell, most notable women in the bible aren't exactly notable for their virtues. Perhaps they needed some more feminist back in the ol' bible times to even things out. Bet you'd be reading about a lot fewer whores. I mean, let's face it. Lilith owned. That girl had massive game. Though after the divorce when Adam went for a younger and straight from his rib model girl, she had to get the boot. Know what I'm sayin'.

There's an old saying - Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day... Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. So with that, I guess I should just bust out the better list of the Bible Villains.

#1) The Prophet Muhammed
#2) Romans
#3) Satan
#4) Eve
#5) Dinosaurs
#6) Jews
#7) Blacks
#8) Mexicans
#9) Trojanman
#10) Pedophiles
#11) Pedophile priests

I'm Going To Complain About The Bible

I'm Going To Complain About The Bible

Just a heads up, I'm going to complain about the bible. I mean, what's there not to complain about this terribly written piece of shit book. I'm sure in 1,000 years people will be treating The Secret like a gospel. Then again, if my sister is any indication, they already do.

So why this hate for the bible all of the sudden? Well, it's never out of season for me to hate organize religion. But perhaps this hate comes from the fact that Texas is about to make teaching the bible law.

WHITEHOUSE, TX (KLTV) - The school year is almost here, and if literature of the Bible is not already offered in your child's school, it will be this fall.

Books are a common sight in classrooms around the nation, but the Bible is one book that is not. Come this fall, a Texas law says all public schools must offer information relating to the Bible in their curriculum.

School officials said schools have not enforced the law because of confusion over the bill's wording and lack of state funding.

For now, each school district must find a way to fill the requirement before the seats are filled with students.

How long until the Supreme Court strikes this down in a 5-4 decision? I mean, I'll go ahead and dish it on how the bible breaks down.

The Bible. The Pentateuch (first half) is written about Moses and his bloodthirsty murderous jealous immoral god. It's clearly written hundreds of years after Moses' death, by cavemen who had no understanding of the cosmos.

The new testament is about an insane man who claims to be god and/or the son of god. The gospels are conflicting and contradictory, written hundreds of years after the supposed non-events.

So I have to wonder why poison children's minds about stories of walking on water and bringing back the dead? Teaching religion is unconstitutional and immoral. Wondering why? It's called the establishment clause in the constitution (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion). When you start establishing laws that teach a specific religion (in this case Christianity) its clearly going against the constitution

Many people say that the bible is probably the best book to lead your life by. I say you're full of fucking shit if you think that. Either that or you clearly haven't actually read the bible. It's fucking boring and pointless as shit. They claim that you have to sit down with it or an annotated version that cuts out the most pointless bits. But even then, it's still very much boring as hell.

If anything, I doubt they'll be teaching what's actually in the bible. Check out some of the following things you can find in this wonderful book:

Jesus Christ said:

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
...
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Yup, Jesus is big brother here.

Jesus Christ said:

Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit [homosexuality] are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

The New Testament is just as horrific as old testament. At least the new testament doesn't have god ordering the israelites to commit genocide. The old testament is full of these sorts of things. All of which are done in hilariously over the top Michael Bay type manner.

"Then the Philistines came up and encamped in Judah, and made a raid on Lehi. The men of Judah said, “Why have you come up against us?” They said, “We have come up to bind Samson, to do to him as he did to us.” Then three thousand men of Judah went down to the cleft of the rock of Etam, and they said to Samson, “Do you not know that the Philistines are rulers over us? What then have you done to us?” He replied, “As they did to me, so I have done to them.” They said to him, “We have come down to bind you, so that we may give you into the hands of the Philistines.” Samson answered them, “Swear to me that you yourselves will not attack me.” They said to him, “No, we will only bind you and give you into their hands; we will not kill you.” So they bound him with two new ropes, and brought him up from the rock. When he came to Lehi, the Philistines came shouting to meet him; and the spirit of the Lord rushed on him, and the ropes that were on his arms became like flax that has caught fire, and his bonds melted off his hands. Then he found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, reached down and took it, and with it he killed a thousand men. And Samson said, “With the jawbone of a donkey, heaps upon heaps, with the jawbone of a donkey I have slain a thousand men.” When he had finished speaking, he threw away the jawbone; and that place was called Ramath-lehi."

And god said unto thy, kill people as if thy were Jack Bauer. And for you folks at home looking for when Jesus did some gay bashing. He didn't. He never said anything about gays. It was 100% Paul on that factor. The closes that Jesus did was talk about marriage.

"He who made man from the beginning, made them male and female. And he said: For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh. Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder" (Matthew 19:4-6, emphasis mine)
"Whoever shall put away his wife and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if the wife shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery" (Mark 10:11, 12 -- Cf. Matthew 19:9; Luke 16:18)

So I guess he just talked about the marriage structure... Though I still stand by my statement that if they really want to get all technical on this shit, there's a lot worse restrictions that everyone should be going through in order to get married.

Most of all, if we're talking about slippery slopes here, how about the one where Jesus is talking about the true nature of sexual relations as is reflected of the love Jesus has for a his bride, the church. I'm sure after gays marry, the next thing you know people will want to marry their church!

I suppose the bible is good for bigotry, hatred and making stupid rules to try to follow. Back to Samson, he was pretty much the best part of the bible. I mean, his death scene alone just screams for some big screen treatment.

"23Now the lords of the Philistines gathered to offer a great sacrifice to their god Dagon, and to rejoice; for they said, “Our god has given Samson our enemy into our hand.” 24When the people saw him, they praised their god; for they said, “Our god has given our enemy into our hand, the ravager of our country, who has killed many of us.” 25And when their hearts were merry, they said, “Call Samson, and let him entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. They made him stand between the pillars; 26and Samson said to the attendant who held him by the hand, “Let me feel the pillars on which the house rests, so that I may lean against them.” 27Now the house was full of men and women; all the lords of the Philistines were there, and on the roof there were about three thousand men and women, who looked on while Samson performed. 28Then Samson called to the Lord and said, “Lord God, remember me and strengthen me only this once, O God, so that with this one act of revenge I may pay back the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29And Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and he leaned his weight against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other. 30Then Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines.” He strained with all his might; and the house fell on the lords and all the people who were in it. So those he killed at his death were more than those he had killed during his life."

But again, none of this will be taught as what it really is. Moral stories written hundreds of years after the said fake event occurred. It's like trying to teach the Odyessy as if it's actual history. No one should read the bible as a history book. Not unless you want to really uncover how shitty humanity really is.

Especially considering how poor our school systems are doing these days and how cut back teachers are, I really hope this shit gets knocked the fuck out. I meet enough ignorant texas in my day, I don't need to meet more of them. Especially when I look forward to doing an American Southwest road trip next year.

In closing.... FUCK THE BIBLE.