The Bible Baddies

The Bible Baddies

It's Sunday. You know what that means. Time to praise Jesus! OOOOh yeah! But while in the middle of the talking in tongues you should stop for a minute and check out the top ten villains in the bible, according to The Christian Handbook

1. Satan
2. The serpent
3. Pharaoh (probably Set I or Rameses II)
4. Goliath
5. Jezebel
6. King Herod
7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes
8. Judas
9. Pontius Pilate
10. God's people

-- The Christian Handbook

First off, WRONG! The greatest villain is humanity. I think there's no doubt about that. I could end this blog post right now, but then I wouldn't have as much fun, being that I'm part of the greatest villains of humanity, right. Instead, let's actually look at the real villains on this list and who actually is bad.



Satan isn't a villain. Satan is just a dude doing his job, you people need to get off his back already. Satan killed like 10 dudes. God killed like 100 million. Maybe you theists should consider who the REAL evil is.
~~~*S*a*T*a*N*c*R*e*W*~~~

Then let's even get into that detail of the ten or so dudes that Satan kills.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job ... And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.
...
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the LORD ... put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
...
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house...And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. -- Job 1:1-19

Ah, so Satan's ten kills were the result of a dare/prop bet from God. Apart from the whole 'rebellion' thing, did Satan actually do anything bad in the bible or did he just get slandered a lot? I mean, seriously, what kind of chump thinks Satan is the villain of the bible, not the hero?

God made Satan as one of his angels, god is omnipotent - which means he can see the future, therefore because god knew that Satan would turn but created him anyway, god is the most evil entity in the universe. If you were the omnipotent, omnipresent Abrahamic god, the only moral thing to do would be to kill yourself.



The number one on that list should read as follows;

1. God- Wrecks shit constantly.

God's reaction to everything seems to be pretty much the same - Devastate the entire city it took place in. You can't forget God when thinking of bible Villains. Consider the story of brothers Onan and Er. Er did something to piss off God (he was 'wicked', who knows what that means) so God fucking killed him. Then God told Onan to have sex with Er's wife. Onan reluctantly complied, after all, God is a fucking sociopath who kills you for no good reason. When he was about to cum, he pulled out and jizzed on the ground instead of inside his sister-in-law, which God killed him for.

The moral of this Bible story is that God is a fucking psycho and when he tells you to rape your sister-in-law, you'd better fucking cum inside her if you know what's good for you. Wouldn't want a single drop of sperm to go to waste. Hear that? You masturbating angers god. God is literally a sociopath with a gun making you rape your family. If you think I'm exaggerating, read the story, it's really something.



Look at that cute painting of Onan. He looks like he just came or got killed, turns out it was both. Really makes you think - The old testament God was way rowdier than new testament god. He really seemed to calm down and get his act together once he had that kid.

I know that's a bit much to take in. I haven't even gotten to the point where God demands 6 golden rats and 6 golden hemorrhoids. He's a sure fire asshole, but the guy clearly has a sense of humor of some kind, right? Maybe we should look at some of the others who made that list and see if they actually belong.

7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes

I like how they put this down instead of just "The Jews". One could argue that this is more the biblical equivalent of "ivory tower elitists". But that fails to account for the fact that the Pharisees and Sadducees were two sects of Judaism account for about 99% of Jews in the world at the time. Modern Orthodox Jews are, in terms of their practices and beliefs, identical to the Pharisees. The Sadducees simply died out.



So saying "The Pharisees" are uber-villains is either profoundly ignorant of what the term means and of history, or simply a polite way of saying "THE JEWS". The authors of the list are probably just dumb though. The Pharisees are considered to be the "overly legalistic" class, not the conservative orthodoxy though those have quite a bit of overlap.

Speaking of the Jews, let's not forget the original bible OG Cain. Fool straight up invented murder, killed somebody before God even. But then again we go back to the start and realize who built this murderer? God. Yup, if this was a CSI episode, all the evidence would be pointing back to God as the main asshole.



Who I'm also surprised not to see on that list - Delilah or Eve. Hell, most notable women in the bible aren't exactly notable for their virtues. Perhaps they needed some more feminist back in the ol' bible times to even things out. Bet you'd be reading about a lot fewer whores. I mean, let's face it. Lilith owned. That girl had massive game. Though after the divorce when Adam went for a younger and straight from his rib model girl, she had to get the boot. Know what I'm sayin'.

There's an old saying - Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day... Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. So with that, I guess I should just bust out the better list of the Bible Villains.

#1) The Prophet Muhammed
#2) Romans
#3) Satan
#4) Eve
#5) Dinosaurs
#6) Jews
#7) Blacks
#8) Mexicans
#9) Trojanman
#10) Pedophiles
#11) Pedophile priests

God Is Dead

God Is Dead

Cried out Nietzsche. And I mean, really. The dude fucking cried it out. So make no mistake about it, even if yesterday was Jesus' second birthday (didn't that fucker just have a birthday a few months ago? Does he need more presents yet again?!?) your god is indeed dead. He's been dead for some time now. At least dead to us.

Let's consider, for a moment that on Friday it was considered "GOOD FRIDAY" and that's because the Son of God died.... for our sins. Let that wrap around your head, especially when the whole concept of religion is to not be all about #1 and have concern for others.

"Nietzsche is dead." - God

How much concern is going on when you're happy someone just died on a cross for you 2010 years ago. Then again, as a strong atheist who doesn't believe Jesus ever walked on water, let alone on this great green (and slightly less environmentally damaged) earth, I really don't have a thing bad to say about Nietzsche. The guy was awesome and at least he had the balls to say it.



But let's take on the ramifications on what it means if God is dead. Does that mean Mary was a necrophiliac? Not to mention that if God is dead, it implies that at one point he was alive and actually existed. Hmm, not boding well for my Atheism.

Then there's always the voices in music.

Your God is dead.. and no one cares
- Trent P. Reznor

Nine Inch Nails got me through a lot of dark times in my life and they introduced me to rap via Dr. Dre producing Even Deeper. NIN seemed to be a gateway drug to all other good music as it was the mainstream industrial and electronic sounds. But let's face it. Trent is getting old.

Trent at 50 performing Ruiner live would be the best thing in music ever. Who wouldn't want to hear a middle-senior aged guy yell those lyrics? They're noble class literature!

Lies? Check
Reference to people as cattle? Check
Violent sexual imagery? Check
Disease? Check
Scars? Check
References to physical/emotional pain? Check and double check!

"Nietzsche is God."
- Dead

Let's be frank, the doors for dark sounding music doesn't always have to be AGAINST religion. I mean, look at Evanescence.. "I WANT TO DIIIIIEEEEEEE". That's a real quote from one of their songs. This band used to be christian rock.



This isn't something new for the world to say though. Have you've played any RPG's on the Playstation? It seems that every Japanese RPG game has the same message.

"We must kill god"
- All JRPG's

The best part of it is that they always seem to succeed. As if the creation must destroy the creator in order to declare that it is truly free and actually works.



Nietzsche is a wonderful writer. Go take, like half an hour to read Truth and Lies in the Extra Moral Sense. Though he is popular for that one phrase, there's much more Nietzsche quotes that you shouldn't live without. So as I leave you on this fine post-Easter blog, enjoy these awesome quotes.

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.

Behind all their personal vanity, women themselves always have an impersonal contempt for woman.

Egoism is the very essence of a noble soul.

Fear is the mother of morality.

For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.

He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.

If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn.

In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

In the last analysis, even the best man is evil: in the last analysis, even the best woman is bad.

It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.

It is the most sensual men who need to flee women and torment their bodies.

No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant.

Not necessity, not desire - no, the love of power is the demon of men. Let them have everything - health, food, a place to live, entertainment - they are and remain unhappy and low-spirited: for the demon waits and waits and will be satisfied.

People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.

Plato was a bore.

Regarding life, the wisest men of all ages have judged alike: it is worthless.

Shared joys make a friend, not shared sufferings.

The best author will be the one who is ashamed to become a writer.

The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

The lie is a condition of life.

The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception.

The press, the machine, the railway, the telegraph are premises whose thousand-year conclusion no one has yet dared to draw.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.

We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the tone of voice in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.

Whoever has provoked men to rage against him has always gained a party in his favor, too.

You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I say unto you: it is the good war that hallows any cause.

You can't read those and NOT say Nietzsche owned. Oh yeah.. and God is dead.

I'm Coming, Jesus!

I'm Coming, Jesus!

In my daily attempt to find something about the catholic church to mock I came across this and my life has changed forever. Well, at least till the next blog post, which should be within 24 hours. I'm on a roll here.

Even though I was an alter server and I went to catholic school for most of my life, I still don't get a lot of the religion. I guess that happens when you stop believing the lies and become an atheist. But much like the famous "Things white people like", this following site tracks what Christian Culture likes

It's a comical site.. a lot of it seems actually serious in a sort of tongue and cheek sort of way. But there was one article that grabbed my attention.. It was last year's August entry which really had me bent over backwards laughing..

#31 Astroglide;
Christian women give this to each other at bridal showers and as it is unwrapped they say cheerfully "It's a married woman's best friend!" If you find this unsettling, that feeling is valid.

Even if this is a humor website, it does make you wonder. I mean, we already knew that Christians were so fucked in the head about sexuality. No wonder a lot of the men turn out to love the cock when they've been fighting it all their lives through persecuting gay rights. Maybe it's just that, in a hilarious turn of events, that these prim and proper Christians go so long without sex that the men don't have a clue what to do and the women are probably dried up by then anyway.

Nothing says "Thank you Jesus" like some astroglide. I mean, Jesus does keep them all dried up. He rose again.. that much is true, but he didn't arouse on that third day.. Guys, just don't tell them that they can orgasm. It'll ruin EVERYTHING! I guess the comments had me laughing even more.



Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Said women use astroglide because their men don't even bother trying to turn them on enough that they might self-lubricate? That could possibly be the saddest thing ever. It's one thing if it's women who are aging or having medical issues causing trouble with self-lubrication, but apparently this is being given as routine advice to newlyweds in a culture where people marry as young as they possibly can. This is not something to give thanks for.

I don't know whether my response is "That's terribly depressing" or "my life feels pretty great right about now." I guess the moral of this story is that religions are telling their women that they have to submit to their husbands whenever they are in the mood. It doesn't matter if she's not in the mood for it, just have some astroglide and think about what you're going to be making for dinner while they grunt and moan their way to pleasure.

Here's Salt In Your Eye

Here's Salt In Your Eye

I often wonder who buys the stupid shit on tv that they advertise to anyone up that late. The magic bullet, any home gym system that promises abs in seconds.. Well, this is one of those they can run the ad for right before all the Church services start on Sunday morning.

Get yourself some Christian Salt

CRESAPTOWN, Md. (Map, News) - You've heard of kosher salt? Now there's a Christian variety.

Retired barber Joe Godlewski says he was inspired by television chefs who repeatedly recommended kosher salt in recipes.

"I said, 'What the heck's the matter with Christian salt?'" Godlewski said, sipping a beer in the living room of his home in unincorporated Cresaptown, a western Maryland mountain community.

By next week, his trademarked Blessed Christians Salt will be available at http://www.memphi.net the Web site of Memphis, Tenn.-based seasonings manufacturer Ingredients Corporation of America.

It's sea salt that's been blessed by an Episcopal priest, ICA President Damon S. Arney said Wednesday. He said the company also hopes to market the salt through Christian bookstores and as a fundraising tool for religious groups.

Arney and Godlewski, 73, said a share of the proceeds will be donated to Christian charities, but neither would specify a percentage.

...Godlewski said his salt, packaged in containers bearing bright red crosses, has at least as much flavor and beneficial minerals as kosher salt - and it's for a good cause.

...If the salt takes off, Godlewski plans an entire line of Christian-branded foods, including rye bread, bagels and pickles.

Not to say that this particular person is an example of the usual short-sighted thinking of the North American fundamental christian persuasion, but... what an idiot.

Praise Jesus someone finally decided to do this. I've been avoiding all those delicious Jewish foods because I don't want to turn into a filthy stinking JEW. Now I can eat bagels and pickles and not have to worry about rotting in hell with those fucking kikes!


The Jewish Conspiracy group had no comment on this news piece

Christians, you keep your wine and stale crackers and let the rest of us enjoy bagels in peace. Oh, and Maryland, stay classy. Always stay as classy as producing salt of the earth people like this. I do have to take into consideration that Western Maryland is not actually part of Maryland, but is a mislabeled part of West Virginia. With that in mind, I'll still say that Maryland is pretty god damn trashy.

Let's look at the bible for a minute

Matthew 5:13 "You are the salt of the earth..."

Wait.. does that mean this Christian salt is going to be made out of.... PEOPLE?!??!?!?!? Not to mention that 'Blessed Christian Salt' has either gotta be free, or it's ironic, since in(most branches of) Christianity it's sinful to sell a blessing, or an object for more because of a blessing.

I do like this line of the article.

"I said, 'What the heck's the matter with Christian salt?'" Godlewski said, sipping a beer in the living room of his home in unincorporated Cresaptown, a western Maryland mountain community.

Yeah, I highly doubt he was sipping his beer like some top-hated gentleman when he thought of this idea. I suppose "Pounding beer brewed in his only bathtub, in his corrugated-steel-roofed cabin lit by bacon-grease lamps at the end of a road marked 'privit proparty'" is a mouthful, yeah. I'm surprised he wasn't spitting chewing tobacco when they interviewed him

I do believe the Bible is very clear about using Christianity as a franchise like this. At least, after the merchants were driven from the temple and whatnot. It's not like this is the salt of Christ, collected from the sweat of his armpits. Sprinkle it on your peas, in remembrance of him.

I thought they already had Christian Salt

Oddly enough, it's both Kosher and Vegetarian safe.

I have to wonder if Christian salt turn me into a self loathing, closet homosexual cruising airport bathroom stalls at 3am? No? Then it's not GOP acceptable. I hear Christian Salt is good on Freedom Fries.

Christian rye bread... Christian bagels... Christian pickles... Should we expect Christian Matzah? Christian gafildafish? Christian kugel? To all you Christians, Keep your salt, but hands of the Jewish bagels! No way you'll improve on perfection. Don't you dare touch latkes. I'm sure you'll just find a way to mess it up somehow.


She should be the logo character on the Christan salt.

It's not actually kosher salt, it's koshering salt. It's not a Jewish conspiracy to take all your money. This is what happens when rednecks get media attention. Kosher salt is NOT blessed by a Jew. Rabbis don't bless things. It's not a Jewish idea.

Kosher salt is physically different from other forms of salt. It has more surface are per mg than table salt or sea salt. It's good for koshering meat because it draws the blood out of them easier. It's recommended because its large jagged crystals stick to the meat and don't dissolve. In actually nearly all salt is kosher, including ordinary table salt.



Kosher salt x 75 - Even at such a small size you can see the huge nose like structure

I also want to point out that "kosher pickle" doesn't mean that it's kosher. It means that garlic has been used in the brine like traditional Jewish pickle makers in New York. A "kosher dill pickle" may very well not meet kosher requirements.

Just because Hebrew National uses the slogan "We answer to a higher authority", doesn't make it all that much better anyway. They still have to



Jews and Christians aren't all that apart. Christians, pre-Jesus, weren't allowed to eat pork. Something to do with being that it walks, has cloven hooves, but doesn't chew its cud. But not eating something when you're starving seemed like a silly idea and whatever pope decided to over turn the whole rules of Moses.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this guy has the right idea and I'm going to start selling Atheist salt and make millions. It'll be a 6-inch perfect cube that's a single salt crystal. It won't be used for flavoring, just for annoying your dinner guests.