Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Bible Baddies

The Bible Baddies

It's Sunday. You know what that means. Time to praise Jesus! OOOOh yeah! But while in the middle of the talking in tongues you should stop for a minute and check out the top ten villains in the bible, according to The Christian Handbook
1. Satan
2. The serpent
3. Pharaoh (probably Set I or Rameses II)
4. Goliath
5. Jezebel
6. King Herod
7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes
8. Judas
9. Pontius Pilate
10. God's people

-- The Christian Handbook
First off, WRONG! The greatest villain is humanity. I think there's no doubt about that. I could end this blog post right now, but then I wouldn't have as much fun, being that I'm part of the greatest villains of humanity, right. Instead, let's actually look at the real villains on this list and who actually is bad.

Satan isn't a villain. Satan is just a dude doing his job, you people need to get off his back already. Satan killed like 10 dudes. God killed like 100 million. Maybe you theists should consider who the REAL evil is.

Then let's even get into that detail of the ten or so dudes that Satan kills.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job ... And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the LORD ... put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house...And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. -- Job 1:1-19
Ah, so Satan's ten kills were the result of a dare/prop bet from God. Apart from the whole 'rebellion' thing, did Satan actually do anything bad in the bible or did he just get slandered a lot? I mean, seriously, what kind of chump thinks Satan is the villain of the bible, not the hero?

God made Satan as one of his angels, god is omnipotent - which means he can see the future, therefore because god knew that Satan would turn but created him anyway, god is the most evil entity in the universe. If you were the omnipotent, omnipresent Abrahamic god, the only moral thing to do would be to kill yourself.

The number one on that list should read as follows;
1. God- Wrecks shit constantly.
God's reaction to everything seems to be pretty much the same - Devastate the entire city it took place in. You can't forget God when thinking of bible Villains. Consider the story of brothers Onan and Er. Er did something to piss off God (he was 'wicked', who knows what that means) so God fucking killed him. Then God told Onan to have sex with Er's wife. Onan reluctantly complied, after all, God is a fucking sociopath who kills you for no good reason. When he was about to cum, he pulled out and jizzed on the ground instead of inside his sister-in-law, which God killed him for.

The moral of this Bible story is that God is a fucking psycho and when he tells you to rape your sister-in-law, you'd better fucking cum inside her if you know what's good for you. Wouldn't want a single drop of sperm to go to waste. Hear that? You masturbating angers god. God is literally a sociopath with a gun making you rape your family. If you think I'm exaggerating, read the story, it's really something.

Look at that cute painting of Onan. He looks like he just came or got killed, turns out it was both. Really makes you think - The old testament God was way rowdier than new testament god. He really seemed to calm down and get his act together once he had that kid.

I know that's a bit much to take in. I haven't even gotten to the point where God demands 6 golden rats and 6 golden hemorrhoids. He's a sure fire asshole, but the guy clearly has a sense of humor of some kind, right? Maybe we should look at some of the others who made that list and see if they actually belong.
7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes
I like how they put this down instead of just "The Jews". One could argue that this is more the biblical equivalent of "ivory tower elitists". But that fails to account for the fact that the Pharisees and Sadducees were two sects of Judaism account for about 99% of Jews in the world at the time. Modern Orthodox Jews are, in terms of their practices and beliefs, identical to the Pharisees. The Sadducees simply died out.

So saying "The Pharisees" are uber-villains is either profoundly ignorant of what the term means and of history, or simply a polite way of saying "THE JEWS". The authors of the list are probably just dumb though. The Pharisees are considered to be the "overly legalistic" class, not the conservative orthodoxy though those have quite a bit of overlap.

Speaking of the Jews, let's not forget the original bible OG Cain. Fool straight up invented murder, killed somebody before God even. But then again we go back to the start and realize who built this murderer? God. Yup, if this was a CSI episode, all the evidence would be pointing back to God as the main asshole.

Who I'm also surprised not to see on that list - Delilah or Eve. Hell, most notable women in the bible aren't exactly notable for their virtues. Perhaps they needed some more feminist back in the ol' bible times to even things out. Bet you'd be reading about a lot fewer whores. I mean, let's face it. Lilith owned. That girl had massive game. Though after the divorce when Adam went for a younger and straight from his rib model girl, she had to get the boot. Know what I'm sayin'.

There's an old saying - Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day... Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. So with that, I guess I should just bust out the better list of the Bible Villains.

#1) The Prophet Muhammed
#2) Romans
#3) Satan
#4) Eve
#5) Dinosaurs
#6) Jews
#7) Blacks
#8) Mexicans
#9) Trojanman
#10) Pedophiles
#11) Pedophile priests


Raven52 said...

evil is the absents of good and satan isn't some dude doing his job that's not what he was created to do. he was created as the head angel and his pride got in the way and that was his ultimate down fall and now he is trying to blind many others from seeing God and lead them away. satan has killed many other people but your just looking at one part of a story. God does screw anything up, that would be of satan's work

Raven52 said...

does not screw anything up

tracey cross said...

No satan doesn't kill you. He's after your soul for eternity. So I guess that really does make him the bad guy.
Jesus died for you and everyone of your sins.
Let's just say for one crazy minute that we Christians are right. Where would your soul go for eternity?