The Jokes On You

The Jokes On You

I'm conflicted. On one hand I really hate holidays as a whole because, like I've explained many times, these are sort of celebrations of life you should be doing on a daily basis. Showing emotion and romance for your significant other shouldn't just occur on Valentine's Day. St. Paddy's day is full of amateur drinkers crowding up the bars I typically love to frequent. Then we come to April Fool's Day.

In all truth, I should be happy about this one. It's only SEVEN DAYS before I get older. In terms you can understand, that's how long the scary long haired girl takes to come out of the TV after you've seen that VHS tape.



But I have to say that I hold firm that pull pranks on people should not be limited to just one day out of the year. I love pranks. I sort of had to stop myself because I can pull some mean pranks. I'll tell you, I had to pull my punches because I could come up with some pretty mean shit.

So that's why I really fucking hate the internet on April 1st. These websites put in all this effort for these elaborate pranks (the legend of zelda movie trailer is an example), but they only work once. They don't go away after repeated viewings, so it's the same tired joke over and over again, like someone saying, "Surprise!!!!" a couple dozen times to your face.



It really is a case of April Fool's Day as being a day for assholes and amateurs. Surprise, surprise absolutely nothing you are trying is funny anymore. I mean, even I tried to get in on this and as you can see from the other blog post for the day of random facts that were all lies, it's not really all that witty. Okay, admit it, my random facts were a little witty. But still, I'm trying to make a point here.

One person I talked to was going to call their boss and tell them they quit. How the hell is this an April's fools prank on the boss? What the fuck does he care that you quit? It just doesn't make sense. Another person I talked to about all Fool's day said that last year she made it look to her boyfriend as if she was cheating on him by saying she was in the office but having her co-workers suggest to her boyfriend that she had the day off.

Who the hell does that effect, really? You're making the joke out of yourself and it's not really something you should do. Even if the Boss cares, it's not like he's going to give a fuck when you tell him you're not quitting. The girl's boyfriend will always have it in the back of his head that she is cheating.

I can't wait to see the Ivy League schools prank all those people so hard today when they reject hundreds of thousands of kids and crush their hopes and dreams. Oddly enough, SAT scores are also suppose to hit today for them. Great timing. And you can always count on Starbucks to lead the way to awesomeness...Starbucks... showing us that they're clearly not all that witty. Oh ho! Big coffee cup. Zing! Good only Starbucks..



In the field of internet jokes, there's still some classic. You can check out Youtube. They've introduced a new resolution. Watch videos in ASCII and save on bandwidth cost for them. Goodbye Horses music video is pretty much awesome in ascii. Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy is still creepy as fuck in ascii...

Were you annoyed at the V countdown clock during LOST the other night? I wasn't cause I watched the Canadian feed three hours earlier.. HA HA, LOSERS! Well, anyway, someone took that joke and ran with it and suggest that ABC will do a countdown clock till the series finale of Lost...

Then there's always Google in the news. They had a couple but my favorite is returning the favor to Kansas. You may remember Topeka renamed itself Google for a month in an effort to get wireless for the city.

At 79, Bill Bunten doesn't exactly understand the Internet boom. The Topeka, Kansas, mayor has an e-mail account, he said, but his assistants take care of most of his online communications and tend to search the Web for him.

But Bunten believes so firmly that younger residents of Kansas' capital city will benefit from faster Internet connections that he wants Topeka -- which he describes as a place of many lakes and the site of a burgeoning market for animal-food research -- to change its name for a month.

In a formal proclamation Monday, Bunten announced his city will be known as "Google" -- Google, Kansas.

Well, google is giving back and renamed itself Topeka today..

A change this dramatic won’t happen without consequences, perhaps even some disruptions. Here are a few of the thorny issues that we hope everyone in the broader Topeka community will bear in mind as we begin one of the most important transitions in our company’s history:

* Correspondence to both our corporate headquarters and offices around the world should now be addressed to Topeka Inc., but otherwise can be addressed normally.
* Google employees once known as “Googlers” should now be referred to as either “Topekers” or “Topekans,” depending on the result of a board meeting that’s ongoing at this hour. Whatever the outcome, the conclusion is clear: we aren’t in Google anymore.
* Our new product names will take some getting used to. For instance, we’ll have to assure users of Topeka News and Topeka Maps that these services will continue to offer news and local information from across the globe. Topeka Talk, similarly, is an instant messaging product, not, say, a folksy midwestern morning show. And Project Virgle, our co-venture with Richard Branson and Virgin to launch the first permanent human colony on Mars, will henceforth be known as Project Vireka.
* We don’t really know what to tell Oliver Google Kai’s parents, except that, if you ask us, Oliver Topeka Kai would be a charming name for their little boy.
* As our lawyers remind us, branded product names can achieve such popularity as to risk losing their trademark status (see cellophane, zippers, trampolines, et al).

Which is odd because whenever I think of Topeka, I can only think of one thing...



Then there's always the go-to April Fools joke that is clearly not more than 10 years old now... in that you can always count on Duck Nukem...

So maybe I should pull out a couple of these tasteful and tactical April Fool's Jokes so you amateurs can learn a thing or two...

-Put tape over the bottom of your co-worker's optical mouse so that it doesn't work when moved.

-Make a fake desktop on their computers. Basically hit Print Screen to capture all the normal icons that are up there. Then go into the file and make that image the background/wallpaper. Now take all their shortcut icons and put them in a folder so that the desktop looks like it normally would but clicking on anything doesn't do shit.

Or you could just make it look like their computer is fucked up.

nuff said.

-I've always been a fan of the rubber band wrapped around the sprayer handle on the kitchen sink.

- A thin but tight layer of saran wrap over the toilet bowl does the trick

- Nothing is more fun than Clippy.. so bring him to the party non stop!

- Super glue a couple of quarters to the ground and see who will sit there trying to pull them up.

- You can be one of the millions of people to use Facebook and pretend to Break up/ Get Engaged / Married on April 1st.... Then again, you could be the only person NOT to do this also.

- If you have a friend who wont kill you for it, post their phone number on craigslist casual encounters. At least you'll be helping a friend get laid.

So there you have it. Some of the internet and my personal favorites. Try not to be a complete amateur about it. If you don't think your joke will be funny.. chances are.. well fuck it. More than likely your prank will NOT be funny and you're still going to do it regardless of what I say. Maybe you could be clever about it.

Fools Come Out All Day

Fools Come Out All Day

Well today is the day. The day we celebrate being an idiot. Happy April fools. Get it out of your system cause I don't want any of that shit near my birthday. It's bad enough it always has to be seven days apart from it.

I'm not much for April fools day. I have the same mentality on this festive holiday as I do Valentines day. Why do something on a day EVERYONE is expecting it done? Isn't the element of surprise a big factor in most any prank? I used to be a pretty good prankster in my day. I would really get people good. Oh man, I was pretty fucking evil. But those days are behind me.

It's also good to know who you're pranking. A little word of advice, don't pull a prank on your boss. You would like to keep you job. Likewise don't pull one over on your significant other. You don't want to have the joke come back to you in the form of no sex.

Since I know you fuckers aren't very creative, here's some helpful advice on pranks you can pull on others.

- Salt on toothbrush.
I'm a sucker for the classics. This will offer a little burn if they don't take care of their gums and even if they do, it wont be a good feeling.

- Get over the counter mouth numbing agent and mix it with the filling of Oreo Cookies
This is a good way to see who is eating all your Oreos at work and a nice way to fuck with them. It'll also numb their mouth so they wont be able to talk for the next hour or so.


I'm not even sure what this adds up to but I really want to see the prank in action

- Set the autocorrect on office to replace '.' with ', bitch.'

- Slip some methylene blue into the coffee of a coworker
Every time they go take a piss it'll be blue. You also wont kill them, so that's a bonus.

- Keep it simple and use a rubber band to lock a kitchen sink sprayer hose on.
Oh the fun to bad had when they turn on the faucet and the water comes right at them. Bonus points if they're wearing a white shirt.


Save this as the desktop of your friends computer.

-Take a crap in the kitty liter box and wait for someone to find it.
Add to the laugh factor by eating corn the day prior. Confusion all around.

- Get a Doe-in-heat and Fox Urine stuff they have in the hunting section at Wal-Mart.
Replace it with your buddies cologne or aftershave.. Instant success.

- Tell your significant other that you are pregnant.
Ok, it only will confuse mine if I told them that but if I was a woman I would so fake a pregnancy.

You can always do the flower/hairdryer trick

Ah yes, a classic

-Stage your own murder.
I'm going to stage my own murder, but let it "accidentally" slip to my co-workers and friends such that they think that they're on to my prank. Then, on April fools day, they'll find the murder scene of me lying dead, walk up and poke at me, laugh and such, and then figure out very slowly that I'm really dead.

The prank will get better as police ask questions as to why they screwed with a crime scene, and why they didn't report it if they had hints of my impending murder. If I do this right, I can plant evidence on one of them beforehand and get them on trial for my "murder."

And for the best possible prank ever pulled....

- Every year, I spend about 2 months telling my friends, family and co-workers about how April fool's is my favorite day of the year since it's the start of MY month. I make comments on how I have the perfect prank for the year, and how certain people are really going to be screwed. When the day finally arrives, I do nothing at all. It's awesome seeing everyone I know on edge and watching their back for a whole day expecting me to screw them over.

So the prank is nothing. Nothing at all but the manufacturing of fear.

So there you go. Some ideas on what to do for this stupid holiday that shadows over my special day. Fuck you, April fools.

Well whatever you decide to do, don't do it to me. Remember, I gave you these ideas just imagine what I can come up or holding back.

Balls in your court, punk.