The Jokes On You

The Jokes On You

I'm conflicted. On one hand I really hate holidays as a whole because, like I've explained many times, these are sort of celebrations of life you should be doing on a daily basis. Showing emotion and romance for your significant other shouldn't just occur on Valentine's Day. St. Paddy's day is full of amateur drinkers crowding up the bars I typically love to frequent. Then we come to April Fool's Day.

In all truth, I should be happy about this one. It's only SEVEN DAYS before I get older. In terms you can understand, that's how long the scary long haired girl takes to come out of the TV after you've seen that VHS tape.



But I have to say that I hold firm that pull pranks on people should not be limited to just one day out of the year. I love pranks. I sort of had to stop myself because I can pull some mean pranks. I'll tell you, I had to pull my punches because I could come up with some pretty mean shit.

So that's why I really fucking hate the internet on April 1st. These websites put in all this effort for these elaborate pranks (the legend of zelda movie trailer is an example), but they only work once. They don't go away after repeated viewings, so it's the same tired joke over and over again, like someone saying, "Surprise!!!!" a couple dozen times to your face.



It really is a case of April Fool's Day as being a day for assholes and amateurs. Surprise, surprise absolutely nothing you are trying is funny anymore. I mean, even I tried to get in on this and as you can see from the other blog post for the day of random facts that were all lies, it's not really all that witty. Okay, admit it, my random facts were a little witty. But still, I'm trying to make a point here.

One person I talked to was going to call their boss and tell them they quit. How the hell is this an April's fools prank on the boss? What the fuck does he care that you quit? It just doesn't make sense. Another person I talked to about all Fool's day said that last year she made it look to her boyfriend as if she was cheating on him by saying she was in the office but having her co-workers suggest to her boyfriend that she had the day off.

Who the hell does that effect, really? You're making the joke out of yourself and it's not really something you should do. Even if the Boss cares, it's not like he's going to give a fuck when you tell him you're not quitting. The girl's boyfriend will always have it in the back of his head that she is cheating.

I can't wait to see the Ivy League schools prank all those people so hard today when they reject hundreds of thousands of kids and crush their hopes and dreams. Oddly enough, SAT scores are also suppose to hit today for them. Great timing. And you can always count on Starbucks to lead the way to awesomeness...Starbucks... showing us that they're clearly not all that witty. Oh ho! Big coffee cup. Zing! Good only Starbucks..



In the field of internet jokes, there's still some classic. You can check out Youtube. They've introduced a new resolution. Watch videos in ASCII and save on bandwidth cost for them. Goodbye Horses music video is pretty much awesome in ascii. Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy is still creepy as fuck in ascii...

Were you annoyed at the V countdown clock during LOST the other night? I wasn't cause I watched the Canadian feed three hours earlier.. HA HA, LOSERS! Well, anyway, someone took that joke and ran with it and suggest that ABC will do a countdown clock till the series finale of Lost...

Then there's always Google in the news. They had a couple but my favorite is returning the favor to Kansas. You may remember Topeka renamed itself Google for a month in an effort to get wireless for the city.

At 79, Bill Bunten doesn't exactly understand the Internet boom. The Topeka, Kansas, mayor has an e-mail account, he said, but his assistants take care of most of his online communications and tend to search the Web for him.

But Bunten believes so firmly that younger residents of Kansas' capital city will benefit from faster Internet connections that he wants Topeka -- which he describes as a place of many lakes and the site of a burgeoning market for animal-food research -- to change its name for a month.

In a formal proclamation Monday, Bunten announced his city will be known as "Google" -- Google, Kansas.

Well, google is giving back and renamed itself Topeka today..

A change this dramatic won’t happen without consequences, perhaps even some disruptions. Here are a few of the thorny issues that we hope everyone in the broader Topeka community will bear in mind as we begin one of the most important transitions in our company’s history:

* Correspondence to both our corporate headquarters and offices around the world should now be addressed to Topeka Inc., but otherwise can be addressed normally.
* Google employees once known as “Googlers” should now be referred to as either “Topekers” or “Topekans,” depending on the result of a board meeting that’s ongoing at this hour. Whatever the outcome, the conclusion is clear: we aren’t in Google anymore.
* Our new product names will take some getting used to. For instance, we’ll have to assure users of Topeka News and Topeka Maps that these services will continue to offer news and local information from across the globe. Topeka Talk, similarly, is an instant messaging product, not, say, a folksy midwestern morning show. And Project Virgle, our co-venture with Richard Branson and Virgin to launch the first permanent human colony on Mars, will henceforth be known as Project Vireka.
* We don’t really know what to tell Oliver Google Kai’s parents, except that, if you ask us, Oliver Topeka Kai would be a charming name for their little boy.
* As our lawyers remind us, branded product names can achieve such popularity as to risk losing their trademark status (see cellophane, zippers, trampolines, et al).

Which is odd because whenever I think of Topeka, I can only think of one thing...



Then there's always the go-to April Fools joke that is clearly not more than 10 years old now... in that you can always count on Duck Nukem...

So maybe I should pull out a couple of these tasteful and tactical April Fool's Jokes so you amateurs can learn a thing or two...

-Put tape over the bottom of your co-worker's optical mouse so that it doesn't work when moved.

-Make a fake desktop on their computers. Basically hit Print Screen to capture all the normal icons that are up there. Then go into the file and make that image the background/wallpaper. Now take all their shortcut icons and put them in a folder so that the desktop looks like it normally would but clicking on anything doesn't do shit.

Or you could just make it look like their computer is fucked up.

nuff said.

-I've always been a fan of the rubber band wrapped around the sprayer handle on the kitchen sink.

- A thin but tight layer of saran wrap over the toilet bowl does the trick

- Nothing is more fun than Clippy.. so bring him to the party non stop!

- Super glue a couple of quarters to the ground and see who will sit there trying to pull them up.

- You can be one of the millions of people to use Facebook and pretend to Break up/ Get Engaged / Married on April 1st.... Then again, you could be the only person NOT to do this also.

- If you have a friend who wont kill you for it, post their phone number on craigslist casual encounters. At least you'll be helping a friend get laid.

So there you have it. Some of the internet and my personal favorites. Try not to be a complete amateur about it. If you don't think your joke will be funny.. chances are.. well fuck it. More than likely your prank will NOT be funny and you're still going to do it regardless of what I say. Maybe you could be clever about it.

A Case For Dr. Manhattan's Penis

A Case For Dr. Manhattan's Penis

No, you did not have Tyler Durden in the projection booth. What you saw on the screen you were meant to see. That's right, a giant blue glowing penis. I suppose that penis and sexual intimacy makes many Americans irrationally uncomfortable. Even with the idea that all comic book films are made for children, folks. Stop kidding yourself in believing such lies.

Its been about a week since the release of the film and all I keep hearing about is how everyone noticed the giant blue wagging penis on the screen. I'm glad that the internet has brought this up though. Cant turn to your friend and say that without raising questions.



This film had everything! Butts! Dongs! Blue butts and dongs! Triple blue dongs! Premature ejaculation! More blue dongs! I felt like I had died and gone to dong heaven and, on a clear day, I could look to the west and see Buttville. I will never stop seeing blue dongs thanks to this movie! I wasn't this surprised by the male form since Eastern Promises.

As much as people saw it, no one caught that this was the most in your face comic error in the film. Dr. Manhattan was circumcised! How dare they treat Alan Moore's masterpiece with such small respect! This is completely against the comic book. A human rebuilt from scratch missing a noticeable part of his penis. Hmmm.



I know what you're thinking and it's more than likely true; Hollywood = Jews. Why is this a surprise to anyone, let alone me? Not really so in this case. Hollywood/Americans ruin everything. Like the time they made a "replica" for David's Michaelangelo for the Caesar Palace in Las Vegas and gave him a penis extension and circumcision.

Now why is this an important issue? Well, many feel that circumcision is genital mutilation. How dare they! How dare they kill off 20% of Dr. Manhattan's feeling?!?! No wonder he has no attachment to society. Then again, circumcision increases size. So why the hell not.

So tell me... what do you see?

He is suppose to be the model of the perfect man, thus the circumcision. He was able to rebuild himself to look exactly how he wanted to. I suspect most Americans in 1985 would be sans-schmeckel. Also who wouldn't want to get rid of a disgusting fleshsock between his legs... Boooyah! In your face! Well.. not really, then this would be NC-17.

The dude's name was Osterman. Of course he was going to make himself to be the perfect being for all the ladies. Oooh yeah. Do people all worked up about 'genital integrity' also get pissed at cock rings and prince alberts and such? He rebuilds himself after being evaporated. maybe he was circumcised before the accident, and wasn't comfortable with having extra foreskin after the fact.



Perhaps the movie would have been better if he had gotten inappropriate hard-on's through out the movie (when all the VC's are surrendering, when Comedian kills the girl, after killing Roroschach, etc...

But the fact that these people would giggle at Michelangelo's David doesn't trouble me the most. I guess I should be more concern with that one guy behind me who kept shouting his agreement with Rorschach, for example when he was chopping up the guy's head. Just as bad as when the audience cheese the Comedian's actions.


Orb himself a pair of tighty... blackies.

Frankly, the more full frontal male nudity we have to counter all the male-gaze bullshit in every piece of media we're inundated with on a daily basis is fine with me. If you can show dick after dick and tits upon tits and bumping and grinding away but if you so much as show an erect cock for a single frame BOOM NC-17 in this society.

Oddly enough I was looking for Dr. Manhattan pictures on the internet and one search result found me... Nudity in Manhattan... Clearly a sign that we need to save Manhattan at all cost!

I was at the comic shop the other day and I heard the funniest thing. Seems this customer took his 10 year old to see this movie. Why? Why not. I saw Predator a tons of times when I was just as young. But his reaction to Dr. Manhattan was:

"he could orb to another planet but he couldn't orb into a pair of pants".

Really if Dr. Manhattan wanted he could turn his dick into a replica of a tasteful Noguchi coffee table by Herman Miller. But he don't give a FUCK.

And with that we look towards the reality of Watchmen...

Boy born with two penises.

By VIKKI THOMAS
Published: 11 Mar 2009

A BABY boy has undergone hours of complicated surgery – after being born with TWO penises.

The child, named only as Artyom G, was born two weeks ago in Russia after a normal pregnancy in which medics did not detect any problems.

“Doctors were shocked by what they saw when Artyom was born - he had two penises instead of one, and no tummy wall,” reports have since claimed.

The boy was rushed from his maternity hospital to a specialist Moscow clinic where he underwent a lenghty operation to join the two sex organs.

“The surgery was complicated. We had to form one penis out of two, make the abdominal wall and create a bladder,” said a doctor involved in the five hour operation at St Vladimir’s Children’s Clinical Hospital.

“When our colleagues asked for help we said yes immediately but we couldn’t imagine the case would be so complicated.”

The hospital said that the baby is now in good health and the surgery a complete success.

“He will grow into a normal man and be able to have kids,” the doctor added.

In June last year, we revealed how a baby was born with a second penis on his BACK.

The tot was born to farmer dad Li Jun, 30, and his unnamed wife, who live in Hejian city in central China's Henan province.

I hope he sues when he gets older! So the kid was born with no "tummy wall"... Yet the doctors were more worried about 2 penises?

Doctor: Phew... now he has one normal dong!
Nurse: But what about the stomach wall thing?
Doctor: Fuck that, he was going to be a freak with 2 dicks!

Back to Watchmen. I think all this talk of blue cock should at least have some climax. So enjoy this alternative ending to the movie.