Internet - The Movie

Internet - The Movie

In the event that you're not familiar with this specific site, there's a new film out today about the creation of a social... media, I'd like to say, website called facebooked(?) Well, it's the tale of the post dot com bubble busted internet millionaires, and let me tell you, there wasn't many of those.

But any how, this film really made me read into the history of Facebook and wikipedia posted this article which is archived from the Harvard school newspaper. So in a sense, it's pretty cool to see things before they were famous. Seems like this creator, Zuckerberg was just as pompous of an ass when he was broke. You see, I'm trying to figure out how this up and coming director named David Fincher, you may know him from a small indie film called Fight Club, will tackle this comical fact happening..

While Zuckerberg promised that thefacebook.com would boast new features by the end of the week, he said that he did not create the website with the intention of generating revenue.

I guess it's only fitting that the one item that seems to create anti-social behavior, even while openly being for social interaction was created under all this assholery.

I have to admit, I never understood the whole relationship status thing. Yes, it's a great way to tell who's single and who you can attempt to hook up with, but it really does bring a new level of complication to the matter.



I mean, how many people are now relying on the whole "facebook official" bullshit to cement the fact that they are in a relationship. Oh and heaven forbid you don't actually put who you're in a relationship with. Then how will people know who's your S.O. in the event that they accidentally hit on them.

The really big one is when the relationship eventually ends. The moment you change your relationship status to single it's a given that you'll have one or two people give you a thumbs up and like that action. What the fuck?! What does that even mean? What does that even say about what they thought your relationship was like? While I'm sure it's not implied to be mean, it does hint towards the fact that maybe your friends thought your S.O. was a bitch/asshole.

Talk about taking sides and really involving the world in your every move and action. The now ex will see that people thought you two weren't a good couple after all with how many people like that. Talk about awkward.



But then I have to wonder if we're not going to far with this whole facebook and movies thing. Catfish came out just recently and I hated that movie. I mean, talk about boring shit! Not to even factor in that there's already a ton of internet things that made the crossover. Shit my dad says and Tosh.0 really just using the internet as a spawning ground for ideas. It's not like this concept is new, look at the others..

Youtube the movie


Oh wait, that's just a parody of Facebook: The Movie. My bad. Do we need one for Twitter: The movie?

Twitter the movie


Okay, it's pretty clear that the idea is spreading around to just about any and everyone possible. Though you shouldn't be surprised. Facebook is a pretty popular website. Last week when Facebook whent down for a short time the world panicked

For a couple of hours you couldn't tell what your friends where doing, unless you had them linked on your twitter. And even then, they were just talking about how facebook was down and they didn't know what was up. Not even Myspace had that much addiction to it... Well, unless you like being bombarded with really shitty bands trying to get you to listen to them.

What can you say, this social media website has made a lasting impression with society. The trailer for the film alone hammers it home with the opening facebook photo montage. It shows how much impact the site has had on the social lives and interactions of young people. While it had a rather creepy voyeuristic edge to it, that was purely unintentional.



It's undeniable that despite the repeated warnings of privacy and security advocates, people continue to use Facebook as if no one by they, and their immediate circle of freinds will have access to the content. By showing the very personal details, photos and comments that people make on Facebook in the montage, the viewer becomes the voyeur and gains an understanding of just how much trust is placed on the people who run Facebook to not sell off all your personal information that is really worth a lot in today's market.

It was a pretty smart move on the trailers behalf to put that in there. It got us to think that we have an invested interest in seeing this story about young, petty and greedy creators of this site we all go on can relate to us in a more human way. It shows us that these people are very human, very flawed folks that have complete access to your life, and they seem completely uninterested in being ethical even to people they're friends with.

Really makes you think.

To be honest, I really didn't believe that this film could be anything more than total shit when I first heard about it being made. But the trailer made me want to go see it.. even if there was already a movie made about the entire internet...

See. Now that was funny.

Camping With WiFi

Camping With WiFi

We're about a few weeks away from the official "END OF SUMMER", did you do everything that your summer time quota has allowed you to? Most of all, have you've done that one thing you should do every summer.. that is, go on a camping trip.

Yes, there's nothing better than the great outdoors. The smell of nature in the air, dirt below your feet - a brisk camp fire going to keep you warm while under the great big sky... oh yeah, and that WiFi signal giving your iPhone some internet capacity..

More and more Americans are taking their work and electronic play with them on vacation this summer. And now it's getting even easier to stay connected in some of the most far-flung areas, like the woods. The popularity of wi-fi access in campgrounds is exploding.

Kathy Palmeri, who owns Jellystone Campground near Estes Park, Colo., says getting reliable wi-fi to the area posed some logistical challenges. The campground is perched on a rocky mountainside covered in trees. But she says the investment is worth it. Why? Because her customers expect it.

"Now it's just like having a water line or a telephone or any other basic amenity. You basically need it to do business," Palmeri says

Wait, what? WiFi signal while camping? Yup, that's right. Some camps have WiFi now. Okay, I misspoke, A lot of camp grounds have WiFi now.. Jesus fuck! That's over 50 camp sites that have wifi capabilities. Why I remember when we had to really rough it and we just had a 14,000kb dial modem when we were camping!

And while I realize this news comes a bit late being that it's the last weekend that people consider summer activity worthy, I think it's worth noting since I am in Southern California and we can go camping year round.

I really have to ask why you would need a wireless signal while camping. You're out there to get away from it all. To leave technology and get in touch with your natural and inner self. To rough it. You're sure as fuck not roughing it when you want to download that bittorrent 50 miles away from civilization.

Many of these places can't get a phone signal, but you can make a call on skype. I'm not sure what that really says about our society. Though I guess it does point in the direction that we're more focused on providing an internet super highway at all time.

The story goes on to tell the tale of a family who was getting bored of being outdoors and so they sat down and watched Big Brother streaming on the internet. That is something that I find both annoying, sad and very very pathetic. It makes me weep for the future of humanity.

It was bad enough when the folks camping near to me would blast their radio while out in nature, but to have someone constantly on their smart phone on the internet or skyping would just push me over the edge.

When you're outdoors, rough it. How hard is it to rough it? We've crossed the line into allowing camping to include RV's and other vehicle homes. That's not camping, that's just acting like you're homeless in Venice.

The Jokes On You

The Jokes On You

I'm conflicted. On one hand I really hate holidays as a whole because, like I've explained many times, these are sort of celebrations of life you should be doing on a daily basis. Showing emotion and romance for your significant other shouldn't just occur on Valentine's Day. St. Paddy's day is full of amateur drinkers crowding up the bars I typically love to frequent. Then we come to April Fool's Day.

In all truth, I should be happy about this one. It's only SEVEN DAYS before I get older. In terms you can understand, that's how long the scary long haired girl takes to come out of the TV after you've seen that VHS tape.



But I have to say that I hold firm that pull pranks on people should not be limited to just one day out of the year. I love pranks. I sort of had to stop myself because I can pull some mean pranks. I'll tell you, I had to pull my punches because I could come up with some pretty mean shit.

So that's why I really fucking hate the internet on April 1st. These websites put in all this effort for these elaborate pranks (the legend of zelda movie trailer is an example), but they only work once. They don't go away after repeated viewings, so it's the same tired joke over and over again, like someone saying, "Surprise!!!!" a couple dozen times to your face.



It really is a case of April Fool's Day as being a day for assholes and amateurs. Surprise, surprise absolutely nothing you are trying is funny anymore. I mean, even I tried to get in on this and as you can see from the other blog post for the day of random facts that were all lies, it's not really all that witty. Okay, admit it, my random facts were a little witty. But still, I'm trying to make a point here.

One person I talked to was going to call their boss and tell them they quit. How the hell is this an April's fools prank on the boss? What the fuck does he care that you quit? It just doesn't make sense. Another person I talked to about all Fool's day said that last year she made it look to her boyfriend as if she was cheating on him by saying she was in the office but having her co-workers suggest to her boyfriend that she had the day off.

Who the hell does that effect, really? You're making the joke out of yourself and it's not really something you should do. Even if the Boss cares, it's not like he's going to give a fuck when you tell him you're not quitting. The girl's boyfriend will always have it in the back of his head that she is cheating.

I can't wait to see the Ivy League schools prank all those people so hard today when they reject hundreds of thousands of kids and crush their hopes and dreams. Oddly enough, SAT scores are also suppose to hit today for them. Great timing. And you can always count on Starbucks to lead the way to awesomeness...Starbucks... showing us that they're clearly not all that witty. Oh ho! Big coffee cup. Zing! Good only Starbucks..



In the field of internet jokes, there's still some classic. You can check out Youtube. They've introduced a new resolution. Watch videos in ASCII and save on bandwidth cost for them. Goodbye Horses music video is pretty much awesome in ascii. Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy is still creepy as fuck in ascii...

Were you annoyed at the V countdown clock during LOST the other night? I wasn't cause I watched the Canadian feed three hours earlier.. HA HA, LOSERS! Well, anyway, someone took that joke and ran with it and suggest that ABC will do a countdown clock till the series finale of Lost...

Then there's always Google in the news. They had a couple but my favorite is returning the favor to Kansas. You may remember Topeka renamed itself Google for a month in an effort to get wireless for the city.

At 79, Bill Bunten doesn't exactly understand the Internet boom. The Topeka, Kansas, mayor has an e-mail account, he said, but his assistants take care of most of his online communications and tend to search the Web for him.

But Bunten believes so firmly that younger residents of Kansas' capital city will benefit from faster Internet connections that he wants Topeka -- which he describes as a place of many lakes and the site of a burgeoning market for animal-food research -- to change its name for a month.

In a formal proclamation Monday, Bunten announced his city will be known as "Google" -- Google, Kansas.

Well, google is giving back and renamed itself Topeka today..

A change this dramatic won’t happen without consequences, perhaps even some disruptions. Here are a few of the thorny issues that we hope everyone in the broader Topeka community will bear in mind as we begin one of the most important transitions in our company’s history:

* Correspondence to both our corporate headquarters and offices around the world should now be addressed to Topeka Inc., but otherwise can be addressed normally.
* Google employees once known as “Googlers” should now be referred to as either “Topekers” or “Topekans,” depending on the result of a board meeting that’s ongoing at this hour. Whatever the outcome, the conclusion is clear: we aren’t in Google anymore.
* Our new product names will take some getting used to. For instance, we’ll have to assure users of Topeka News and Topeka Maps that these services will continue to offer news and local information from across the globe. Topeka Talk, similarly, is an instant messaging product, not, say, a folksy midwestern morning show. And Project Virgle, our co-venture with Richard Branson and Virgin to launch the first permanent human colony on Mars, will henceforth be known as Project Vireka.
* We don’t really know what to tell Oliver Google Kai’s parents, except that, if you ask us, Oliver Topeka Kai would be a charming name for their little boy.
* As our lawyers remind us, branded product names can achieve such popularity as to risk losing their trademark status (see cellophane, zippers, trampolines, et al).

Which is odd because whenever I think of Topeka, I can only think of one thing...



Then there's always the go-to April Fools joke that is clearly not more than 10 years old now... in that you can always count on Duck Nukem...

So maybe I should pull out a couple of these tasteful and tactical April Fool's Jokes so you amateurs can learn a thing or two...

-Put tape over the bottom of your co-worker's optical mouse so that it doesn't work when moved.

-Make a fake desktop on their computers. Basically hit Print Screen to capture all the normal icons that are up there. Then go into the file and make that image the background/wallpaper. Now take all their shortcut icons and put them in a folder so that the desktop looks like it normally would but clicking on anything doesn't do shit.

Or you could just make it look like their computer is fucked up.

nuff said.

-I've always been a fan of the rubber band wrapped around the sprayer handle on the kitchen sink.

- A thin but tight layer of saran wrap over the toilet bowl does the trick

- Nothing is more fun than Clippy.. so bring him to the party non stop!

- Super glue a couple of quarters to the ground and see who will sit there trying to pull them up.

- You can be one of the millions of people to use Facebook and pretend to Break up/ Get Engaged / Married on April 1st.... Then again, you could be the only person NOT to do this also.

- If you have a friend who wont kill you for it, post their phone number on craigslist casual encounters. At least you'll be helping a friend get laid.

So there you have it. Some of the internet and my personal favorites. Try not to be a complete amateur about it. If you don't think your joke will be funny.. chances are.. well fuck it. More than likely your prank will NOT be funny and you're still going to do it regardless of what I say. Maybe you could be clever about it.

Living Without A HomePage

Living Without A HomePage

Over the weekend I passed through San Francisco. It's a strange place. Well, a strange place with good Clam Chowder and an amazing Chinatown. As well as any other strange fact you can bring about how progressively forward a place is that charges you $6 to get in via the Golden (actually red/orange) Bridge, you have to give it credit for being unique. I mean, where else can you be On the Street and On Facebook: The Homless Stay Wired

SAN FRANCISCO -- Like most San Franciscans, Charles Pitts is wired. Mr. Pitts, who is 37 years old, has accounts on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. He runs an Internet forum on Yahoo, reads news online and keeps in touch with friends via email. The tough part is managing this digital lifestyle from his residence under a highway bridge.

"You don't need a TV. You don't need a radio. You don't even need a newspaper," says Mr. Pitts, an aspiring poet in a purple cap and yellow fleece jacket, who says he has been homeless for two years. "But you need the Internet."

Mr. Pitts's experience shows how deeply computers and the Internet have permeated society. A few years ago, some people were worrying that a "digital divide" would separate technology haves and have-nots. The poorest lack the means to buy computers and Web access. Still, in America today, even people without street addresses feel compelled to have Internet addresses.

I'm a little confused by this news piece. I mean, since when did we worry about the homeless in this country? I kid, I kid. You know me. I love the homeless. Who else can you hear crazy stories from and not have to care after talking to them?



But more so than anything else, I'm not sure what to take from that. See, this blogger is at a loss on this issue. Can someone please interpret this news piece. Is it:

1) homeless people have computers so we don't need to worry about social programs
2) computers are everywhere
3) ha ha San Francisco is so progressive
4) touching human interest story

bonus question's:
5) how do you think web 2.0 affects homeless? who is your favorite homeless tweeter?
I'm leaning towards this one from a Poet named Charles
6) how many of you are homeless in San Francisco right now???

I know what you're telling yourself. This dude doesn't sound very homeless. I don't think you people understand how much it costs to live in San Francisco. Then again it seems like there's different levels of homeless and some of these must simply be kinda homeless.



I guess this goes to show you that a notebook and internet access are everything one needs to bootstrap oneself. Just learn to program or web design, maybe take up journalism blogging, and even a homeless person can have a revenue source. I guess no one told you Marxist that the concentration of the means of production isn't what it's cracked up to be.

Then again, they're more than likely setting up craigslist ads like the following:

Missed connections>california>los angeles>skid row
saw you sleepin by the shelter on third street, got a cardboard hut and i need someone to suck the stink off my dick, must love dogs.

I'll move to a heart warming story: I was walking up market st and there was an old woman pushing a shopping cart filled with paper bags. as I was walking behind her I noticed she was stopping at every homeless person she passed and handing them the bags which were filled with sandwiches and chips. Sure, it's not an internet connection, but it's a start.

But forget the homeless, if you are ever in Berkeley and run into one of these people you should avoid conversations with them.


Now that's a person who shouldn't be on the internet at all.

The Internets

The Internets

Sometimes it's nice to look back to the simple days. Like looking back at the days when going out on a date meant you were heading over to the drive-in or to get a milk shake. When VD was singular because there was only one out there. In this instance we're looking back to the early days of the internet..



Ah yes. I guess I could be called an "Internet enthusiast"
I have to laugh a little that there's not screens filled with "GO TO HELL!" that and the fact that they made it sound like it was a "growing phenomenon". Some stuff was dead on. Some stuff.. Not so much Like the whole "Not much cursing, not many personal attacks."

So the next time you're carelessly using the internet on whatever portable device looking up movie times or yelping a location to eat for the night, just remember back in the early days on what this toy was used for and what a long way we have come.

I Just Moved In Next Door, I'm A Registered Cyberbully.

I Just Moved In Next Door, I'm A Registered Cyberbully.

When I was a kid I was constantly being bullied. It's all part of being a nerd. It was like growing up being named sue. Sure, my daddy wasn't Johnny Cash and my name isn't Sue. It's Javier. Equally as strange. You know how many times someone called me Nick instead simply because saying Javier(Ha-veeee-Air) was too difficult?

So dealing with it wasn't something I really gave too shits about. You learned how to deal or you get made fun of more. Well, more like you still get made fun of more either way. So I guess the lesson there is you just have to deal with it.



So when I hear that there's a bill being proposed to stop cyber bullying, I have to laugh a little. Because, what's the point of that shit? Just wait, you're going to see 80% of the internet have to say this to their new neighbors when they move in. I've stand by the statement that the Internet makes you stupid. It really does.

Well, at least that is what will happen if a bill gets passes.

A recently introduced cyberbullying bill could land us all in jail—that is, if you have ever used an electronic medium to troll someone. HR 1966, the Megan Meier Cyberbullying Prevention Act, is named after the high-profile "MySpace suicide" victim Megan Meier. It's meant to prevent people from using the Internet to "coerce, intimidate, harass, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person." However, as with many bills of this nature, the murky language and vague standards leave much open to interpretation, which has caused critics to call it the Censorship Act instead.

HR 1966 was introduced in April by US Representative Linda Sanchez (D-CA) and it's supported by 14 other members of Congress. According to the text, individuals who bully others via any electronic means could face fines, two years in prison, or both. This, of course, could include those nasty text messages you sent to your ex on Saturday night, the questionable e-mail you sent to your brother, or those forum posts you made in which you called for someone who liked the new Star Trek movie to jump off a building.

UCLA Law Professor Eugene Volokh went into detail on his blog, suggesting that numerous everyday situations could render regular citizens felons if their behavior is considered "severe" enough. "I try to coerce a politician into voting a particular way, by repeatedly blogging (using a hostile tone) about what a hypocrite/campaign promise breaker/fool/etc. he would be if he voted the other way. I am transmitting in interstate commerce a communication with the intent to coerce using electronic means (a blog) 'to support severe, repeated, and hostile behavior'— unless, of course, my statements aren't seen as 'severe,' a term that is entirely undefined and unclear," Volokh wrote.

It's the internet, how can you stop this sort of action? With the protection of the computer screen in front of your face of course you're going to have people tell others how they really feel. Till they come up with technology that allows you to punch someone through a computer monitor you will have people trolling you to get a reaction out of you. As much as I hate to admit it, human beings are assholes every change they can get.

The actual language of the bill is this.

(a) Whoever transmits in interstate or foreign commerce any communication, with the intent to coerce, intimidate, harass, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person, using electronic means to support severe, repeated, and hostile behavior, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.

Welp, so much for this blog. I mean, I make fun of just about any and everyone possible. No one is safe here or anywhere on the internet. Oooh poor baby, I hurt your feelings. Go cry to the police. I'm sure they'll lock me up for my freedom of speech.

What's worse is that they're using the interstate commerce clause to try and edge out the first amendment. Yeah... that'll work. Sure, why not.



I can't wait to hear people in jail talking about this sort of set up. "Me? I'm in for 16 months for posting pictures of some fat kid online." When he moved to east Hollywood he had to go door to door telling everyone he was an internet troll. I guess this just means that I'm going to have to be more subtle in my bashing of people here.Something like

"I'm not saying you're a worthless human being who should kill himself, I'm just making a statement about a category of people who believe certain things"

I can't wait to see how they even enforce this. HALT CITIZEN! I am the Cyber Police! You have offended GOKU_YIFFFOX99 on Multiple occasions, and he has cried himself to sleep approximately ten times. Your two year sentence begins at once. Surrender or die.



Wait till this reaches the court system. That's going to be a tough case to put on trail. Yeah, two counts possession of logical fallacies with intent. I think we should plea bargain down to a strawmanning to a ridiculous degree. If the DA ain't a prick, that is. We the jury, find the defendant, Warbong420, guilty of murdering 4 people 10 times each and calling their mothers whores.

They should at least include a Grandfather clause. If you've been on the internet before 1999 you may continue to call people fags. I think you've earned it if you've survived hamster dance and all those other stupid shit internet fads from yesteryear.



You know this isn't going to stop those nigerians. They'll still be spamming the shit out of you trying to scam money out of your bank account. So I'm not sure how you can actually enforce this. Then again, it wont survive long any way. So what does it matter.

Just as long as this means that I don't get in trouble for telling the car warranty telemarketer that called me this morning to "Suck my balls". Then I'm alright with it.

Watchmen: The Rorschach Test

Watchmen: The Rorschach Test

You may remember when I talked about who releases the watchmen, Well, Fox and WB have worked out their difference. In that Fox is now getting a wheel barrel full of cash and WB gets to release Watchmen like nothing ever happened on March 6.

But before that we're getting a slew of marketing cash grabs. The motion comic book comes to DVD and Blue-ray and it's packed with goodies.

What's a motion comic? Well, it's sort of like the Invincible shorts MTV did. It hearkens back to old Marvel cartoons, but I really really dislike it. I don't understand why other people do. The voice actor is also terrible when it comes to the voice of women. How hard would it have been to hire a woman for that role of.. you know.. a woman? I'd rather read the actual comic myself, I like audiobooks for the "hands/eyes free" convenience, this thing doesn't offer that. Plus I can imagine being twitchy about the reading speed aspect too.



Then we come across the other piece of info on the music for the film.

Music From The Motion Picture Watchmen, the film's official soundtrack, includes My Chemical Romance's powerful reinterpretation of Bob Dylan's "Desolation Row," recorded exclusively for the film. The soundtrack also features a collection of classic songs by such artists as Nat King Cole, Simon & Garfunkel, and Janis Joplin, which, once heard in the context of the film, will never be thought of the same way again.

Um... interesting selection, I must say. With The Watchmen coming out in a little over a month, it's nice to see the advertisement dollars roll in. For starters they have a twitter profile going for the The New Frontiersman, a center piece in the comic. Which is offering nice updates daily on other material that is key to the comic and film. Then they went the full mile with this mock up Night News report set in the 70's about Dr. Manhattan, a certain key character of the film.


So the only thing to question now is Who Watches The Watchmen film?

Though I have to admit, it's going to pain me to see the vast amount of Rorschach Halloween costumes this year. Much like how you hot topic kids pissed on my love for Nightmare Before Christmas in the early 2000's, I'm sure this year's Halloween costume will be of Rorschach just like every person and their grandma was dressed as Health Ledger's Joker. The grandmas were able to pull it off. Those fat nerds on the other hand... not so much. And as old and cranky as I sound, there's far worse out there on the internet. A slew of geeks on the internet with every possible combination of Watchmen and whatever possible start popping up.


"Ten minutes from now, she's pulling the football away just as I attempt to kick it. I am already lying on the ground, twelve seconds into the future. I will be grief-stricken."

See that right there? A combination of the Peanuts and The Watchmen. It's the true spirit of the internet. Demented nerds coming together and dreaming about combining things. The best part was in the late 90s when people thought that would be worth money somehow. Stupid fools.

But then again, there's those who will complain about anything. For example, in this case we have the morons in the world complaining about the Video game. Heaven forbid they make a game based off a comic book. Face it folks, if they can make a game about Fight Club, a film that talks about the problems with mass marketing and consumerism, they can make a film about a comic book that points out the blurry line between what is consider the good guy and the bad guy.



In this case, the The Watchmen Video Game is getting shit because fans are wondering how you would make a game based off the comic book with very little real action. That and how it fits into the story line.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh is a video game tie-in for the movie version of the Watchman graphic novel. No, don't leave yet! Keep reading.

The beat-'em-up-meets-puzzle-game will be released in an episodic format to coincide with the upcoming film. While Watchman writer Alan Moore is off being bonkers and not involved with the game, Watchmen artist Dave Gibbons is acting as advisor. That's a good sign!

Another good sign? The game is being written by the book's editor Len Wein, and what's more, it's completely in the Watchmen cannon.

Dave Gibbons says the Watchmen beat-em-up that has you playing as Nite Owl and Rorshach is canon and based off of some RPG that was written at the time of the original comic release. Which works out. It sets you in a time when Rorschach wasn't totally batshit and worked with Nite Owl to take down the mob which was alluded to in the book a few times.



No matter how much explaining or reasoning there is behind this, it wont let those crazy nerds complain about what is canon and what isn't? For those of you who aren't nerds, Canon doesn't refer to a gun, it refers to the time line or history of the franchise. But with comments like:

"BUT THE ARTIST DIDN'T WRITE IT. Jesus. This isn't Japan. He has no say in this."

It really makes you wonder how the internet hasn't imploded in on its own self importance. Then we have this nugget:

"Alan Moore isn't bonkers. He's more sane than whoever thought up this stupid game."

Oh snap! No he-didn't! Yeah, I'm sure a game developer who likes money has less sanity than some hairy bearded dude in a shack that shuns the world.. Yeah, given the fact that his books have been crapped on, this one may actually be good.



Let's not forget that most of these people are guessing that Owlman must clearly be a take on Batman instead of realizing that he's actually a take on the Blue Beetle. And in saying that I pretty much assured that I'm a huge nerd.

It clear that the internet is a silly silly place. Forget who watches the watchmen, who the hell keeps tabs on all these crazy ass fucks? I want to know who watches them and why they aren't being taken to a detention camp.

Hate Floats

Hate Floats

I've always been counter Internet culture. If a large number of people find something entertaining, interesting or funny, chances are I've mocked it, hated it or probably ridiculed it for no reason other than the fact that I'm an insecure twenty-somethings who didn't do too well in school, didn't fit in with the other kids, and has little prospects for a future that doesn't involve spending long nights spamming my resumes to various temp agencies desperately hoping something will stick. Or maybe I'm just projecting.

But hey, usually my hate for things on the Internet is focused on others and not on myself, unless I can convince myself that I was there at the start of the fad. Then it's awesome, like Pokey the Penguin.

Check out this awesome Flash game!

I've seen things, things you wouldn't believe. I was there at the start of All Your Base, the highs of It's a Trap, the lows of and lows of Goatse.cx. I witnessed lemon party long before it become some 30 rock joke. Who else besides Dave Chappelle flips out over catchphrases like I do? I'm so full of hate I hate being on the ground floor of the internet's greatest successes!

I've scoffed at other web sites that have chosen to not to act like massive dicks to everyone they come into contact with. What do they have to show for it besides millions of dollars? Not resentment and jealousy, two traits that have made America what it is today, that's for sure.

That's why, when I consider my long history of acting like an inhuman monster, it disturbs me when I realize that I'm starting to well... like things.

What happened to me? It seems like only yesterday I was bashing myspace, mirror pictures and blogs in general as anything other than a spawn of live journal and the emo invasion. I would never take advice from strangers on the internet as to where to eat like I do now on Yelp. No way would I be saying catch phrases like Zerg Rush or Haxor the Gibson. I'm getting sloppy in my old age.

It ends up that the phrase "you become what you hate" is true. It was only natural to happen. A sort of Stockholm syndrome that effects those with Asperger syndrome first and then eventually works it way to the normal folks on the internet. Surrounded by this online culture whenever I come on to check my spam filled mail box, it was only a matter of time before the hater became the hated.

It's time to band together and re-join the collective internet social hive mind. Here's what I forgot to hate.

Newgrounds

Why you love it now: In 2002 the founder of Newgrounds founded a video game development company called The Behemoth that would be tasked with porting some of its more popular Flash games to consoles. Yeah, really.

MAYBE IF YOU FUCKERS DIDN'T LOUNGE AROUND SO MUCH I COULD BE PLAYING MULTIPLAYER IN YOUR SHITTY GAME RIGHT NOW. Uh, I mean, that's what I would say if I had purchased your game. Heh...

The Behemoth enjoyed success with its first foray into the wonderful world of console ports, Alien Hominid, which was basically a rip off of Metal Slug. However, instead of playing Metal Slug people somehow felt compelled to buy it for the Gamecube and again on the Xbox 360. Unfortunately, most of Newground's audience was still in diapers when Metal Slug was released and might possibly still be.

With The Behemoth's latest release titled Castle Crashers, users are finding themselves digging deep in order to purchase some Microsoft fun bucks for the privilege of downloading what basically amounts to Turtles in Time but with some RPG elements tacked on. Sorry, but I didn't play Turtles as a kid and lament that I couldn't level up Donatello. Everything old is new again with RPG elements! Any jerkoff will buy your game as long as you can level up. Ding! Now that this is aired out, can we put an end to all this leveling up? I went outside and killed some grass hoppers and gained no life experience. It just doesn't work this way Video game companies.

Because The Behemoth is billed as an indie company it makes them somehow less evil than the likes of EA. Sorry, but I just can't support things like Q&A, online multiplayer working out of the box, and saved games not suddenly disappearing for no reason. I heard Larry Probst personally raped every single underpaid programmer at EA. It's enough to make an anonymous housewife stick up for her pussy husband on LiveJournal.

What you forgot to hate: Newgrounds is the clearinghouse for every crappy flash animation featuring Sonic fighting Goku or Mario and Mario shits his pants for some reason, made by guys who just finished downloading Adobe Flash CS3 Professional. That Newgrounds doesn't at least owe part of its fortune to The Pirate Bay would be hard to believe.

The clientele is every loser who wore a Slipknot shirt in junior high school and quotes Borat in college. Newground's success in the world of console games should only infuriate you more.

Penny Arcade

Why you love it now: Score another one for the "indie game developers can do no wrong" crowd, though I never imagined in a million years that a couple of guys would be able to finance a series of games off a damn web comic. If I weren't so full of irrational hatred I'd be pretty damn impressed.

Penny Arcade is making a game? Well that sounds kind of dum- YOU MEAN IT'S AN RPG?! Count me the hell in!

Expecting a backlash against the gruesome twosome's video game debut I was shocked to find that Penny Arcade's game was, gasp, well-received by the general masses.

And then I realized it has RPG elements. Well there you go.

What you forgot to hate: The fact that these guys achieved an incredible amount of success and your comic about dudes with 'tudes who play video games and are occasionally reprimanded by a stereotypical female character who is always complaining about her period and the hands are never in proportion to the rest of the characters' bodies never got off the ground.

Most of all, have you've seen these guys in person? Not at all like their comic self. Harvey Pekar may look like he's the poster boy for NPR and This American Life, but at least American Splendor is true to the characters. I bet I say something mean about the two I can get a feud going between them. Wouldn't that be exciting?

Can you imagine what the Internet would be like without petty feuds? It'd be a place to communicate with people who are different than you. It'd be a place to learn new things, enrich your life and the lives of others, and help make the world a better place. An Internet without drama and the web sites devoted to cataloging that drama? I can't imagine such an Internet.

Then there's the factor that they unleashed hell in the form of the now situational web comic typecast roles. You need two human characters. Just change out the hair and cloths so you can recycle the face. Toss in a random animal or object that can talk. With all that you have yourself your very own comedy web comic.

So when a couple of otherwise okay guys attempt to make a couple of bucks through a collaborative vision, hard work and determination, just say no. We don't tolerate that sort of bullshit around here.

Web 2.0

Why you love it now: I signed up on Twitter. The Horror...The Horror

What you forgot to hate: Just because you submit yourself to the glorious hive mind mentality of constantly maintaining communication doesn't mean you have to sign up to everything. Jesus.

Anyway, Twitter continues to become more popular than anything in the free world as days go by. The site allows users to send and receive text messages from friends and family about any old thing. It isn't exactly new technology but it's the ease at which messages can be sent and received.

Well what do you know, access to a seemingly endless supply of images of breasts does get boring.

From your profile you can type in a short message about what you're currently up to. Those who "follow" you receive the message on their phone. Conversely, you may receive a message like, "Just got out of the shower, soaking wet, looking to get fucked tonight -Mom".

With the ability to send and receive messages to and from your friends about every little thing you are doing, it only leads me to one question, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT WHEN YOU MEET UP WITH THOSE PEOPLE?

"Oh hey! I was just at the store and you won't believe who I saw!"

"You told me on Twitter."

"Oh."

"Hmmm."

"Okay, see you on Twitter then."

One of the benefits of leaving the house to go do something is being able to come back and tell someone everything you did. Usually that person doesn't care, so why would they want to sign up to receive real-time status reports about you? And yet they do.

It appears that communication is an activity that's best avoided unless it can be done in bite-sized nuggets and as inane as possible. Twitter makes it easy to transmit any superfluous thought you may have such as "Do you think John Ritter is boring God in heaven right now?", otherwise these thoughts would just stay in your head. And who would want that?

Social Networking Sites in General

Why you love it now: You're reading this on one now.

What you forgot to hate: Because you're reading this on one now.

It goes to show you that any yahoo with a computer, a keyboard, and some sort of six degrees of separation from someone hot can try to meet you. 10 years from now people will question how anyone met new friends before the internet. The scary aspect of all this is that it now outnumbers porn as the most clicked on item on the internet.

Think about it people. PORN! My grandpa spoke about the great depression. How without any booze and any money, the only thing that kept him going for those 13 years was that he could get a peek at some ladies legs at the peep show for 3 cents. Sure, he had to boil a boot for food, but on the flip side he wasn't bombarded with friend request followed by "THANKS FOR THE ADD!!" whenever he went to see some bare shins.

Sign off..... after you've read this, of course.

The majority of the time spent on these sites is in an effort to get laid. So perhaps it passing up porn isn't that much of an issue since in the end of things, the web is being used to get your rocks off.

Even worse is that it's not limited to your Goth teenagers anymore. Pets can actually jump in on the social networking on sites like Catster /Dogster. It's important that your pets have a social life. Then maybe they'll stop bugging me to take them for a walk or scratch their butt as they can get one of their pet friends to do that for them.

Are you back with me now? I thought I lost you there for a while. Now that I write all this out and get it in the open, perhaps I'll sufficiently retrained in the art of hating everything I hate (well, the four examples I could think of anyway), the healing process can begin.

I recommend making slanderous claims about web comic authors you don't think are funny, not accepting friend request from spam, bands or anyone else for that matter on myspace. I've always hated those people! How dare they try to be my friend!

Oh, joy! It's like I never stopped hating these things.