Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!

Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!



sorry bailouts aren't for big dogs, just fatcats

Hello my non-American friends, Big Dogs are the pinnacle of American screen printing humor. They are like institutions in our society. Angry dog shirts are the failure of humanity condensed into screen printed cotton.

It seemed that everyone had that dog on their shirt in the 5th grade. It's like a blast from the past. You were so edgy. Thankfully I never had one of these. I don't get the appeal really. You typically see these as a psuedo-hardass symbol for suburban dads to wear to feel tough around their kids.



Is it that people feel like they can say things through a dog on a shirt that they can't manage to say in real life? It's not me it's this rascally mutt! Sort of like getting a word tattooed on yourself in Japanese because you'd look like a fag if you had the word "spirit" on your neck in English?

I really shouldn't be surprised that they're keeping up with current events. When I went to one of those outlet shopping centers when I lived in Florida they had a Big Dog store. It was a bit scary but they were always up with the latest film parody. Bark Wars: Attack of the Big Dog, The Barktrix and whatever other film was out at the time.



Even still, the idea that the Big Dog is covering all the economic downturn is a clear sign that we're in a bad position. You know it's the coming of a depression when even Big Dog is heralding it with their shirts.

I think I realize why we're in the mess that we're in right now. Did the Big Dog get a second or third mortgage? What sort of bank would loan money to a dog to begin with? Did he not have a job to keep up with payments. The bank who loaned money to Big Dog not only needs to get no bailout money, but they also need their license pulled at once!


Theres no FRICKIN way I'm gonna be able to make my house payments!

Why is the Big Dog pissed that he hasn't gotten his bailout? Did they go up to congress and ask for one? Come on folks, we need to bailout Big Dog! Without them many fat ass southern people wont have anything witty to wear!



This whole meme (if it's even able to be considered that) was nothing but the initial reaction to a nation getting fatter and fatter. Whereas now it's simply normalized in its pandemic nature, back then it was a shock. So people had to rationalize it as some alternative lifestyle choice and a symbol of their 'attitude' toward life.

The only person I know who wears these shirts is a big-as-a-tank upright Christian dude. He's got no real need or reason to 'feel' tough and he has the personality of a happy puppy. Maybe he wears them ironically? I dunno.


I'm almost certain this shirt's premise is false. A 30 of natty is like 14 bucks and thats like 6-8 gallons of gas so yeah im p sure thats wrong. WAY TO DO YOUR SCIENTIFIC STUDY, BIG DOG INC. Besides, isn't it illegal to give alcohol to animals? I would hope that some animal rights groups were called and warned about this alcohol consuming pup. I'm not even sure I understand what this next one is suppose to mean. Is it about high fuel prices or something?



I have to wonder if they even produce the shirts in sizes under XL. Seeing all these shirts its like I'm walking on the Atlantic city boardwalk. Only without the fear of getting mugged and killed. These shirts are typically all over redneck tourist towns and the scary aspect is that they sell like hot cakes. Even in this down economy people are still showing how much of a Big Dog they are.



Hell yeah! Now I can be a nurse without feeling like a sissy crybaby. Thank you Big Dog industries.

Most of the time these shirts simply point out that the wearer is a deeply unpleasant person. More than likely racist and grew up in the church, so they don't want to do anything that would displease Jesus... but oddly enough have no problems with telling my "spic ass" to "Go back to Mexico!" It just means you have something to warn you ahead of time that they are approaching you. Just remember, IF YOU CAN'T RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS THEN GO BACK TO THE PORCH!

Something Awful poked fun on these a while back. Here's some of my favorites.








If you ever see me wearing a Big Dog shirt just stab me through the head. Any blunt object will do. Just put me out of my misery. Please.

Monopoly Is America's Favorite Board Game.

Monopoly Is America's Favorite Board Game.

And it's only fitting. Oh boy let's play a game where we pretend to be real estate moguls. it would be even more fun if that game was almost entirely chance and better still, if you win it's because you've pushed every other player into abject poverty

Fuck monopoly. No, seriously. Fuck you, Monopoly.

I don't ever remember the last time I've ever finished a game with a winner officially declared. It's a war of attrition at best, an act of frustration and accusations of bank robbing at worse. To be perfectly honest I rob the bank. At least two or three times in a given game. In real life, if and only if you're rich, you can rob the bank while people are looking. Not so in this Parker Brothers game.



I think the best way to play is that if you get caught robbing the bank/another player you go to jail, and you have to pay it back in double. But if nobody notices you've stolen anything in three rolls' time, you get away with it.

There needs to be more blood thirst in the game. You have to play with 3 or more people and then the goal is to make a deal with someone else and fuck over the rest and then fuck over that guy by stealing from the bank and that is the only truly capitalist way to play.

Which leads me to another question, I never understood why we had to pay to stay at the hotel why couldn't I just sift through the garbage like a real person would? What's the deal with the train stations also? So I pay you a fee and I'm not taken anywhere different? What, am I paying to sleep in the terminal?

you have to play with 3 or more people and then the goal is to make a deal with someone else and fuck over the rest and then fuck over that guy by stealing from the bank and that is the only truly capitalist way to play. Isn't it the American dream of independence in cardboard and dice form



I was airing my issues with Monopoly to a friend and he told me that the last time he lost was because he traded half of his properties for a blow job. But then again, any game is good when you toss in stripping or sex into the mix. So that's a no brainer.

I think the only positive for the game was being able to burn the fake banknotes to light my victory cigar. But that would require actually winning at the game. A feat that seems more and more impossible. They also replaced the paper money with a big dumb credit card thing. Sure, I guess that teaches a kid not to carry cash around, but it also teaches them how to stretch a credit card. If you want to make it more true to life how about you update the game with a bailout card or a high office window to jump out of once you hit the bankrupt stage. Forget picking yourself up by your own bootstraps through the game.

Unlike other games where it's clearly all about having fun. GUESS WHO is a pretty accurate portrayal of the election cycle and Hungry Hungry Hippos is nothing more than a symbol of the American excess, obese creatures competing to cram the most food into their gaping maws. In fact, the more I think about it, Frisbee is my favorite game because there's no teams or scores so everybody wins.



a REAL Board Game!

As bad as monopoly and the rest of those games are, it's nowhere near as bad as the shitfest that is LIFE. Life is terrible. Not the actual one I'm living. No, that's actually going pretty well right now. I mean the board game LIFE is actually the most boring game I've ever played. It's really lame as well. I think in LIFE you make three decisions the entire game and the rest is chance. It's accurate at least on that aspect.

LIFE. It's the most laughable part is how life has been sanitized. I remember when I was a kid my parents had an old version and if you were rich you got to live in a nice place whereas if you were poor as shit you had to go to a country home. meanwhile in this new one you have fucking stock investments and everyone ends up in the same swanky place when they retire. Even the cereal is more true to life. If left out without properly covering it, it turns to shit and sometimes you have to eat it cause you don't have anything else eat.