If You Have An Erection Lasting Longer Than 12 Hours, Please Consult A Mortician

If You Have An Erection Lasting Longer Than 12 Hours, Please Consult A Mortician

This is a cock and bull story if I've ever heard one. Especially given that it's from The Sun. I seriously don't know why I keep reading them.. I guess I do. It's for stories like this.

Viagra orgy man collapses

By VINCE SOODIN

Published: 26 Feb 2009

A SEX-MAD Russian died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra pills to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two women pals.

The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov £3,000 that he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them both non-stop for the half-day sex marathon.

But minutes after winning the wager, the randy 28-year-old dropped dead with a heart attack, revealed Moscow police.

One of the women, named only as Alina, said: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”

Nice effort, but he really blew it at the end. I would hate being a stiff after winning a sex marathon. At least he had a happy ending. His penis must have been sputtering dust and hot air by hour 10. Looks like his heart lost its load at the end there. All that sex must have been hard on him. This is a pretty fucked up story. They should erect a monument for him.

Ok, I'll stop with the terrible puns now... maybe.



I bet his famous last words: "ahhhhh, yeahhh. ugggh". It's funnier if you imagine that the heart attack was due to sheer excitement. Too bad there were no pics of the ladies involved. I am imagining porno-standard eastern Europeans. The reality is probably something less...well, just less.

It doesn't specify how many pills, but the story makes it sound like he took a whole bottle of it in a 12 hour span. It's no wonder he died of a heart attack, 90% of his blood was in his dong. I am not sure how to pronounce his name, but it looks a lot like it might sound a bit like tuggin' off, which makes it even better.



This didn't seem like such a half-cocked plan to begin with but there was clearly some holes in his execution. Taking that many little blue pills was not a smart idea. He would have lost his vision (temporarily) and suffered a massive (maybe complete?) loss of blood pressure as well as severe loss of cerebral cortex function due to the neurotoxicity of nitric oxide before he would of had a heart attack.

If you're wondering if he still has it, he probably still does. I'm wondering if rigor will keep it like that until it rots away, aren't you? Well it wont. Rigor goes away after a while. Also, this is probably the best way to go. Fuck 2 girls to prove them you can fuck for 12 hours non-stop and then just a couple of minutes of gloating, maybe drinking a beer, then you say "told you so" and drop dead. It's the best way to get out having to call the next day. And cuddling? Who'd want to cuddle with a dead body?



I know it's a total guy thing to not care about the other person but let's think about them for a second. Wouldn't the other participants be pretty exhausted, too? That's six hours of fucking each. Who's up for being the test subject in this "Fuck for 12 hours" bet? Whoever it was had this sort of situation cumming to them.

I'd say that now he not only wins, he gets bonus points. The kind of people who would make a 12-hour sex bet are undoubtedly jaded enough that someone dying at a party only makes it more "real."



He's a fucking hero. Well... literally. I'd be satisfied if my death were as manly/awesome. I guess it's not as manly/awesome since he had to take performance enhancing substances. Maybe they should just put a little Astrix to his record.

Hanukkah: A Celebration of Endurance

Hanukkah: A Celebration of Endurance

Todays two blogs were a bit of a bummer. We need some good news, I say! I can't think of better news than a good deal, which brings us to Hanukkah. The grand ol' candle lighting started last night and this bad boy aint stopping till all eight are lit up! to break it down, it's a holiday about getting a bargain. Above all else though, Hanukkah is more about celebrating endurance. During Hanukkah there's always a series of endurances that the Jewish people must go through;

• Correcting the way people butcher and spell Hanukkah.
• Explaining the yarmulke and asking people not to call it a Jew beanie.
• Putting up with endless hours of Christmas programming
• Working on Christmas day as those who celebrate it want the day off.
• Having to turn down Christmas ham and Christmas shrimp
• Explaining that whole dradle thing.
• Enduring the looks as you don't take part in the gift exchange
• 8 days of dealing with family. Ouch! I can barely handle one.
  

That's a lot to endure if you ask me.. But before we get into the further ways the Jewish people have been pushed let's get into history first. The story of Hanukkah is rich with both finding a good bargain and going green. After the Maccabees revolted more than 2,000 years ago, the Jewish people only had enough oil to last them one night for the redediction of the Temple in Jerusalem. To their surprise, eight days later they were saying "What's with this candle? 8 days and it hasn't called its mother? You know she worries about you!" It makes more sense than "A 'virgin' had a baby in a barn, he needs gifts!" but hey, that's just me.



As if making one days candle oil last 8 days wasn't enough to brag about, modern Jews are constantly pushing the envelope in terms of how to make Hanukkah less about dradles and more about breaking records!

Worshipers of the Temple Isaiah in New Port beach gathered around a giant solar oven cooking a potato pancake. Mmm, latka goodness! Still, was there ever a reason to make a potato pancake 3 feet across? Other than to hopefully break a record as "the world's largest cook potato pancake by a solar oven." Which is a strange, very niche Guinness record as it is. When you put such speculations on records like that then just about anything can become a new Guinness record. I'm going to shoot for "Largest amount of Jewish content on the internet in this specific blog."



Across town in Riverside, one temple's Hanukkah display was a menorah made of recycled wood, succulent plants, roses and other flowers. Did I mention it was giant? Oh yeah. Which is more attune to the whole Tikkun olam mentality which simply means "Make perfect." Scientist are currently looking for applications as to how they can replace the hole in the ozone with a giant litka to no avail.

If there's anything you can take away from this it's that Jews really like to break records or make something last. Have you've been to Canter's? Now that's a huge Matzo ball! Thing will last you hours and hours. I once went to Canter's and my buddies ordered while I was in the restroom. I came back and told them "Oh don't worry about me, I'll just sit here and starve." Sure enough, a Matzo ball came out the size of a house!



To address the elephant in the room. Yes, Jews control Hollywood. Can you blame them? In the thirties basically every Jew with creative talent came over from Europe to work in Hollywood. It's only natural that it'll happen this way. Is it a bad thing? Nope, I say! I have a job. Sure it may have been due to the whole Jewish nose thing I have going on, but I like to think that me and the Jewish community go well together. I really like the sense of humor. Jews are the funniest you see, it comes from dealing with the war.

Now go call your mother, she worries about you! Nothing fills the holiday spirit better than Jewish guilt!