Go Out And Get Laid Already!

Go Out And Get Laid Already!

This blog post is going to make me sound like a complete asshole. I know very well that it will paint me in a way of being a womanizer and philanderer. It's a good thing that no one really reads these or at the least I write enough that in a weeks time, this one will be buried deep in the pile of new blog post. More than likely ones that are just silly.

So while I have your attention, let's just get it out the way.. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and well, I can honestly tell you that it is possibly the best day to ever go out to a bar stag and go home with someone. Knowing their name is optional, of course. But unless you're really terrible at socially talking, which chance is you are if you're reading this off face book or twitter, you're going to stand the best chance of getting some through this basic logical action.



So what makes tomorrow such an easy day to find those who are easy? A beheaded saint, that's what. We give Jesus so much praise for dying for our sins but we fail to realize that Saint Valentine died in order for us to get our sin on. Yes, that fool was beheaded and now all these decades later, we're making sure that heads.. are indeed getting all the be-HEADING that a head can get. Thank you Pope! You finally did something right.

This corporate/hallmark holiday has made it that single people, who I really prefer to call "unattached" are singled out like complete losers because they haven't found someone to split their income with. Society tells them that you are nobody unless you have somebody to call you some silly pet name. This public shaming leads me to pretty much guarentee that if you have even the smallest amount of charm, you will get laid on Valentine's day.



But Javier, there's not going to be hot chicks tomorrow at the bar, they must be with their Boyfriends. Not so. Those who are unattached will have no "wing (wo)man" from their married/attached girlfriends. Add in that those same attached friends will be with their significant others means that there will be a slew of ladies that go out to the bars for that sort of feeling.

And don't even worry about a girl looking to hot for you to go up to on Valentine's day at a bar. The facts are these, the hotter women are the ones with the least amount of self esteem. So there's really no reason to hit on them first when you're at the bar. Why would you hold yourself back? Come on, you can't be that bad of a person and really, you just never know.



You have to remember, they are at a bar on Valentine's day. That's a sign that they're trying to look for Mr. Right.......now. Yes, you can be that lucky man that even for one night, will be a reminder to that special lady or man that they are still desired even though they don't have someone to call their Valentine. Yes. They're looking to make a mistake. If you play your cards right, by buying a drink to the ones that look the loneliest.. or in some cases over compensating in trying to look happy while they drink down that fourth appletini, then you can be that mistake.

Am I talking out of my ass? Well, I normally am but I can tell you from my crazy wild youth that I have been out there on Valentine's day and it has indeed worked. You will not need the flowers. Trust me. Don't be that sad pathetic loser walking around the bar giving flowers to all the pretty ladies. Guess what, each person you give a flower to can see exactly who else in the room you gave a flower in hopes to use the shotgun blast method of shooting a round and hoping something eventually hits.



You will be used and abused like you should be if you're trying to pull that lame ass trick. Seriously, you can skip the chocolate and forget the flowers. All you're going to possibly need is to buy them a drink. I know, I'm way off my meds here. On a normal circumstance I would never recommend buying someone a drink. But let's just walk on the wild side here and just put it out there that this simple investment shows that you can actually care enough, where no one else was willing to buy them a box of chocolates, roses or anything else. So a drink seems to be miles ahead of not getting anything at all.

Remember, Valentine's day is a sexist holiday and as a very devout Feminist I should continue to cry out about how we should not celebrate it. But believe me, this is one of those days that you can take advantage of the fact that someone else didn't pay attention to that person and they're looking for some sort of person to fill the void. Just as you're looking for some way to.. fill a void. Oh man, I'm terrible right now.



I suppose the next question you have is how would you approach someone at a bar on Valentine's day without looking like a creep. My answer? Don't. When I used to hit up the bar I would go with the mind set of going in to wet my beak. Nothing more. If you have a sort of stench of desperation in how you carry yourself, it will be sniffed out with ease. If you pull up to the bar and just sit there with a drink and carry yourself as if you belong there, then that will make all the difference in the world.

Chances are you'll have them coming to you. Yes, it may sound like a complete surprise but if you look like you're having a good time then people who are at a bar on Valentine's day looking for a good time feel that you can fill that need. I wasn't even trying to go for the double meaning in that one right there. I may sound like Barney Stinson here, but guess what, it actually does work and it makes perfect sense.



The whole purpose of Valentine's day is to make women feel special. Those women who don't feel special enough or for that matter secure enough, will seek that security in the form of a quick fling. It's just being realistic here. And perhaps this does touch on a nerve of a couple of people as I always get people complaining that I'm degrading a gender. I couldn't be doing anything more further than that. If you're secure with yourself to not let Valentine's day get you, then you will be doing something a lot more enjoyable than a random strange on Valentine's day.

Good for you. But I'm not going to pass up the chance to teach all those who aren't in the know on what the mindset of lonely singles out there. Even if I am in a very happy relationship, I think it's important to spread this word around. So to the single men and women out there who are desperately searching for that significant other.. By all means put the lid back on that Ben and Jerry's ice cream, put on that little black dress or button up shirt and go out there and get a drink at the bar. You never know, cupid may be waiting for you... or at least the Trojan condom guy.

Condoms - Goldilocks Syndrome

Condoms - Goldilocks Syndrome

Well, let's face it. We're approaching Valentine's Day and that means that people will have an excuse to have sex. Yes, that's right, even the most undesired can get laid that night if they simply go to the bars and seek out a partner in all those other people who went out on this night in search for love.. or at least the fleeting feeling that you are loved by someone who got a couple of Jack and cokes in you..

So what does this have to do with Goldilocks and the three bears? Well, no. This isn't about big hairy gay guys. More to the point of Goldilocks not finding the right size that she needed and being all anal about getting it just right. And what the hell does that have to do with condoms? Well, you see, condoms come in all shapes and sizes. Take this (discovered fake) Durex ad boasting about size....



Ah, it just makes you wonder about the shitty nature of our societies view point on penis sizes and the need to buy something more for the idea of protraying yourself as something you are not nor probably need. You see, Speaking on behalf of guys wth enormous dicks everywhere, I'd just like to say that that's inconsiderate.

That ad is advocating violence against prostitutes because seriously, who the fuck wears condoms during blowjobs? We already wrap our junk in a layer for sex, do you now want to take away the fun that the feeling of lips on a penis feel by putting a sheet of rubber between you and it? Pfft, I think not! That was how I took the ad at first, like the band-aids were covering up warts or something. But I think it's implying that the dick is so big that it actually injured her mouth because it was SO BIG and those are the people that need enormous condoms.



It really is a completely useless product, too. Normal condoms are more than elastic enough to handle porn stars-- the normal consumers of "magnum" condoms are insecure teenagers (or their mental equivalents) who want to look cool buying the "big stuff". All they really do is slip off and cause more pregnancies in most cases. At best they're just a little wider at the top. That's it. They play directly into the insecure minds of every tiny penored young adult.

I remember in college when I would hear stories about how folks in the health/resource office would have guys who would pass up free condoms all the time because they were "too small" for them. Apparently I attended the University of Gigantic cocks in Girth town, USA. Man, I really do miss the days of free condoms... much less the occasion to actually use them. But man, do I miss getting those condoms and thinking I was going to fuck like a rabbit. It would be like giving a guy the bullets but no gun or target....


Something's wrong in this picture.. Can you tell what it is?

Oddly enough, in college a lot of people refused to use the free condoms handed out by planned parenthood because the churches spread the rumor around that they'd poked small, invisible holes in them so people would get pregnant anyway and would somehow have no choice but to have an abortion. I'm not sure which is the more retarded reason to pass on free condoms: "Mah dikz be too big" or "invisible holes will get you knocked up, yo". Either way, dumb ass shit.

On the other end of the specturm... India and Condoms have not had the best of relationships. If you didn't know, three years ago it was reported that condoms were too big for Indian men...

Condoms 'too big' for Indian men
December 8th 2006
By Damian Grammaticus
BBC News, Delhi

Condom factory
There is a "lack of awareness" over condom sizes
A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research.

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, told the BBC there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large.

The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate.

And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.

'Not a problem'

Mr Puri said that since Indians would be embarrassed about going to a chemist to ask for smaller condoms there should be vending machines dispensing different sizes all around the country.

"Smaller condoms are on sale in India. But there is a lack of awareness that different sizes are available. There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist's shop and ask for a smaller size condom."

But Indian men need not be concerned about measuring up internationally according to Sunil Mehra, the former editor of the Indian version of the men's magazine Maxim.

"It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters," he said.

"From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well.

"With apologies to the poet Alexander Pope, you could say, for inches and centimetres, let fools contend."

You sort of have to chuckle about this. The BBC literally wrote a 400 word article about Indian men having small penises. Three years later... this news story came out..

600 of city’s condom machines vandalized
December 21st 2009
Ruhi Bhasin & Risha Chitlangia

NEW DELHI: About 600 of the 3,000 Condom Vending Machines (CVM) that were installed by the National AIDS Control Organisation (Naco) in different locations around the city are not working, as they have either been vandalized or removed. Moreover, few people use these machines.

The idea behind these CVMs is to make condoms easily available to the public. "We in India are yet to accept the concept of condom vending machines. In Delhi, on average, each vending machine dispenses only one packet of condoms a day. Right now, our aim is to make people aware of safe sex practices and to encourage them to use condoms. For this, easy access to condoms is essential," said Gaurav Jain, project leader (technical support) of condom promotion, Naco.

Then again, Indians are more uptight about sex than Americans. It's quite an accomplishment if you really think about it. The Indians I met in college were some of the most prudish people I have ever met in my life. So India is still trying to push the condoms to the masses with witty commercials such as these;



Ah, the things that Kumar has been doing since he was written off the show on House.. What won't you do and where's Harold and Kumar go to White Castle III? I want to see Neil Patrick Haris get drunk again!

And then there's this musical number which really puts into question what I'm missing out with working on films in the United States when I should seriously be getting into the Bollywood scene.



Maybe it's just because they have a hedonistic-primitive culture that encourages shameless promiscuity. Perhaps it's time to outsource penis enlargement spam... Though, worse of all is that Indian commercial acting is even further behind us than condom use.

If they want to encourage condom use, perhaps they should make smaller curry scented condoms. It wont hurt if their women trimmed their bushes and showered once in a while. I know they're catching up with us on the Film making front, how about you follow suit with the grooming tips down under.



So with all this confusion, how can you really know what size of condoms you really need anyway? On the box it's always bullshit like LARGE, EXTRA LARGE and MAGNUM or whatever. It's not like Condoms want to advertise that they're for NORMAL size penises because when you're in the check out you want to make sure you're showing off that the old lady or college drop out scanning your products will judge you and never want to have sex with you if you have a "Size normal" condom package. If you get a painful constructed feeling when you put one on then you probably need to go up a size. Personally, I get the best fit out of the plastic bags from the grocery store.



Yup, India is a fascinating place. I was sorta shocked at how HIV is transmitted through mostly sexual contact in India. Since HIV/AIDS is mostly transmitted through blood based contact outside of Africa.

The overwhelming majority of infections in India occur through heterosexual sex; women now account for around 39% of adult infections. In many cases married men have acted as 'bridge populations' between vulnerable populations and general populations; women who believe they are in monogamous relationships are becoming infected because their husbands have had multiple sexual partners. Often social norms restrict women from making decisions about their sexual relations, contributing to their vulnerability to HIV. Studies have shown that intimate sexual partner violence is also a risk factor for women.

For some reason I suspect that the patriarchy is at work here. Maybe they should really get on top of that whole condom use there. Small penises and all. Though I do have some Indian friends, so perhaps I'll toss in that Indian penis sizes have doubled in the last three years. So you ladies not going for Sanjay because you fear of not being able to feel anything... well then you're silly because remember that your female hole can only really feel stuff three or four inches deep before it gets lost in the darkness.

But let's roll with the idea that the Indians are just jealous of the Chinese surpassing them in penis size (and just about everything else)

And remember Americans, the average French penis is 1.2 inches longer than the average US penis. Yup, now I'm starting to see why we hate on French so much...

Penis envy.

I'm not worried, I have Spaniard ancestry and we all know how well endowed they were to rape and pillage just about every culture. :smug:

By The Books Oral Sex

By The Books Oral Sex

In an effort to keep this streak of sexual related topics in this, the shortest month that has been taken over with love and affection, we move on to a news story that was from last week, but I felt the need to hold it back. I mean, I can't just blow my load and whip out all the news stories on the day they come out. I have to stretch them out some and make them last. Wouldn't want to run out of material too soon. Annnnnnnnnnd enough of the thinly laced euphemisms, here's the Oral Sex story;

After a parent complained about an elementary school student stumbling across "oral sex" in a classroom dictionary, Menifee Union School District officials decided to pull Merriam Webster's 10th edition from all school shelves earlier this week.

School officials will review the dictionary to decide if it should be permanently banned because of the "sexually graphic" entry, said district spokeswoman Betti Cadmus. The dictionaries were initially purchased a few years ago for fourth- and fifth-grade classrooms districtwide, according to a memo to the superintendent.

"It's just not age appropriate," said Cadmus, adding that this is the first time a book has been removed from classrooms throughout the district.

"It's hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we'll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature," Cadmus said. She explained that other dictionary entries defining human anatomy would probably not be cause for alarm.

Just so you're clear on what happened.. THEY TOOK AWAY THE GOD DAMN DICTIONARY BECAUSE IT HAD ORAL SEX IN IT! I think it's time I finally write that childrens book I always wanted to write. I'll make a killing selling "Words for Kool Kidz" with definitions of "wee wee" instead of penis.



I have to say that parents are terrible. How could you remove a book from an entire school district because ONE KID read the dictionary definition of oral sex? How do you know they even understood it? Lets look at what the Merriam Websters dictionary says about this word:

oral sex
Function: noun
Date: 1973
: oral stimulation of the genitals : cunnilingus, fellatio

The average fifth grader doesn't know what "oral" or "stimulation" or "genitals" means. But then again, they can just look up those words in the same book. So the problem grows exponentially from there as they learn meanings of more and more words. Dear god, what will we ever do if they learn those words? Clearly the only solution is to ban education in real Americ--ooooh yeah, wait. That's what they've shooting for some time now to achieve.. Clearly the only real solution is to ban all the words entirely.. Well, except for the words from our lord and savior, Jesus Christ!

It's a good thing that none of them have access to a bible. There's some pretty warped stuff in there that would give kids nightmares and confuse them to new levels altogether. I mean, Jesus had a hooker as a friend. What up with that. And I'm sure there's a lot about sodomy in there. On that subject, they should probably ban pencils as well. I have always said that those things looked pretty phallic. Just a note, kids. Remember to use them eraser side first. You really don't want to go to the nurses for that sort of thing..



Then again, who needs to stick pencils up their hoo-ha when you have sexually graphic text. That stuff is a major turn on, right? When i was in second grade i read the dictionary definition for orgasm and it had a black and white stencil of a woman with her mouth open and i got a boner so i can see where these parents are coming from really

How could anyone possibly think that Merriam webster is prime masturbation material. I mean, yeah, just smell those pages and you might be sporting a half stiffy, not to mention the stock they're using..... God damn, no wonder page 347 was always sticky. It was as if the book was asking for it. But seriously, how can this be even remotely possible;

Board member Randy Freeman, an elementary school teacher and parent to four daughters in Menifee schools said he supports the initial decision to ban the dictionary temporarily.

Freeman said it's "a prestigious dictionary that's used in the Riverside County spelling bee, but I also imagine there are words in there of concern."

How the fuck are educators just now waking up to the idea that kids might look up naughty words in the dictionary. How the fuck does no one know this happens and has happened for probably centuries and why does anyone actually care?



Do I have any teacher readers here? I know my gal is a potential teacher, so I suppose I could ask her in two years when she's one. My sister is one but I don't talk to her nearly enough to even begin to ask her questions about her job. I just need someone to explain why administrators like this always bend over backwards to please one dumbass parent? Would it be so hard to just blow them off? Or would that spark some kind of conflagration of crazed parents who normally don't give a shit what you tell them about little Timmy on Parent/Teacher night, but are for some reason suddenly concerned that there's a book teaching them what Oral sex means.

It's come to my attention that American Christians and the Taleban are remarkably similar, they should just stop fighting and make out already. It's like people would rather have their children not know what their penis is. Perhaps someone could invent a shroud that children would wear so that they may not glimpse their own genitals. Just imagine how wholesome they'll be if they never knew anything about sex!

I remember looking up swear words in the dictionary ALL.THE.TIME. when I was like 10. What I learned was really shocking, but not in the way that you may think. You see, I learned the true definition of the words. Such things as "Bitch", and you know what, it warped me for life. Mainly because a female dog is certainly not as insulting as what I thought those bullies were calling my mother. Maybe we should also ban calculators because you can spell BOOBS on it?



It's not like the dictionary has something really graphic or it insist that "in which the performer MUST swallow". I mean, you only really should swallow for people you care about, right? Maybe then I may have a problem with it, but to take the whole dictionary away is just fucking stupid.

Most of all, it's a good thing that the children these people have gallantly prevented them from looking up a specific term in the dictionary.. will no longer think about sex or sexual terminology and will consequently not get their information from far less reputable, accurate, and reliable sources like their equally clueless peers. It's not like they have any real form of sex ed in schools anymore. Parents have pretty much asked for all of their kids to get pulled out. Oddly enough, those same kids will believe that the pull out method is the best method in having sex.



How about they just put libido suppressants in the kids cafeteria milk so they can't get it up and be done with it already. Just cut out the middle man altogether. Give them enough medication to numb them from every possible feeling they could ever attempt to try to have. Then again, white people shouldn't breed anyway. They just pass along the white man's guilt. It's about high time we put an end to that vicious cycle. If you're not going to tell your kids about sex, you can at least given them the option to get a proper education it.

I'm Coming, Jesus!

I'm Coming, Jesus!

In my daily attempt to find something about the catholic church to mock I came across this and my life has changed forever. Well, at least till the next blog post, which should be within 24 hours. I'm on a roll here.

Even though I was an alter server and I went to catholic school for most of my life, I still don't get a lot of the religion. I guess that happens when you stop believing the lies and become an atheist. But much like the famous "Things white people like", this following site tracks what Christian Culture likes

It's a comical site.. a lot of it seems actually serious in a sort of tongue and cheek sort of way. But there was one article that grabbed my attention.. It was last year's August entry which really had me bent over backwards laughing..

#31 Astroglide;
Christian women give this to each other at bridal showers and as it is unwrapped they say cheerfully "It's a married woman's best friend!" If you find this unsettling, that feeling is valid.

Even if this is a humor website, it does make you wonder. I mean, we already knew that Christians were so fucked in the head about sexuality. No wonder a lot of the men turn out to love the cock when they've been fighting it all their lives through persecuting gay rights. Maybe it's just that, in a hilarious turn of events, that these prim and proper Christians go so long without sex that the men don't have a clue what to do and the women are probably dried up by then anyway.

Nothing says "Thank you Jesus" like some astroglide. I mean, Jesus does keep them all dried up. He rose again.. that much is true, but he didn't arouse on that third day.. Guys, just don't tell them that they can orgasm. It'll ruin EVERYTHING! I guess the comments had me laughing even more.



Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Said women use astroglide because their men don't even bother trying to turn them on enough that they might self-lubricate? That could possibly be the saddest thing ever. It's one thing if it's women who are aging or having medical issues causing trouble with self-lubrication, but apparently this is being given as routine advice to newlyweds in a culture where people marry as young as they possibly can. This is not something to give thanks for.

I don't know whether my response is "That's terribly depressing" or "my life feels pretty great right about now." I guess the moral of this story is that religions are telling their women that they have to submit to their husbands whenever they are in the mood. It doesn't matter if she's not in the mood for it, just have some astroglide and think about what you're going to be making for dinner while they grunt and moan their way to pleasure.

Showing Off Your Levi's In Playgirl

Showing Off Your Levi's In Playgirl

Levi Johnston.. the guy who utterly destroyed Sarah Palin's career... Ok, let's be honest. Sarah Palin destroyed her own career as a politician the moment she opened her mouth. But one brick in the wall that was making her shut the fuck up was Levi Johnston. Someone who, I utterly laughed at at every possible news article he was ever mentioned. The dude was the quintessential Frat Boy and was one of the major highlights of the 2008 Presidential campaign as a form of entertainment.

Well, it seems that he can't just give up his kung fu like grip on his 15 minutes of fame for knocking up a potential Republican Vice Presidential daughter, Bristol Palin. He's appeared in ads for nuts and has been sticking it to Sarah Palin and being the ultimate in asshole potential son-in-laws around.

It's been over a year since the election and we're still dealing with hearing about Sarah Palin. And just as common, we hear about Levi. Well, in his latest move to flip the bird to Sarah Palin is that he posed in Playgirl. Yes, Playgirl magazine.



But don't get too excited, while there may be glimpses of Levi Johnston's baby maker, there is no full-frontal shot. Let the blame game begin, but the fact that there will not be wang in it shows that we need to start getting serious about America!

Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio has released a statement blaming Levi's manager Tank Jones. "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

This is indeed a tragic day for America. There is no point if there's no penis! Seriously, that was literally the only thing people gave a crap about. Why do they refuse to show us the penis that brought down a candidate? It is an integral part of history, we should demand to see it under the freedom of information act.

But this leads to more questions. As I have never purchased, nor do I see myself purchasing one as I don't think I'm going to prank anyone soon, I wonder if they have boners in playgirl or if it's like a tease. I mean, will he just hold his boner in the photo shoot? Gym sock? What exactly are you hiding, Levi????



Thanks to the internet, I just discovered that the first "full" erection in the history of Playgirl was sported by Geoff Minger in January 1980. When the Russian Playgirl launched in June 2004, it contained photographs of nude, circumcised American men which is said to have been perhaps an unfamiliar sight to Russian girls as circumcision is rare there, being practiced mainly by Jews and Muslims.

I wonder how many women actually go out and buy Playgirl compared to Men buying Playboy. This question was posed to EiC on CNN the other day, as well as "Is Playgirl gay?" His replay was classic "I don't know, is Anderson Cooper?"

SICK BURN!

But it's a valid question. Though the magazine is marketed to heterosexual women, Playgirl's then-editor-in-chief Michele Zipp said in 2003, "The gay readership is about 30%."
My response to that is, BULL-SHIT! I'm a straight male and I don't even buy Playgirl. I bet it's at least 70% Gay male's buying that shit.

So now that we got all that out of the way, where's the major photos?



I mean, he got a decent body, I guess. But 6 months, 3 hours a day in the gym for that? HA! Imagine how fucking soft he must have been for 6 months of 3 hour workouts and diets where all he can come up with is this. There's no doubt that he lied about that, because you could be in no shape at all and lookbetter than that after six months of basically being paid to work out and eat well.

HA! A personal trainer got him that?!?



Is that really his name on his arm as a tattoo? Seriously? Why did he pick that typeface for it anyway? I suppose the McCain Campaign tagged him and all the Palin's in case one got lost in the wilderness. Ha, you can still see Bristol's name tattooed on his ring finger.

As you can just imagine, Palin had some strong words to say about this when she was eventually asked about this photoshoot in one of her many interviews on her book tour. Her response?

Palin has now issued a statement responding to Levi's remarks. We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family. We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied." Palin also went after CBS and Levi's intentions to strip for Playgirl: CBS should be ashamed for continually providing a forum to propagate lies. Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies -- those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention."

yes, she shouldn't throw stones from her glass house in Alaska;



Seriously, I think acting like a dick for no obvious benefit is the best sign of intelligence in an animal. But of course this went back to Levi Johnston and he did an interview further pimping his playgirl pictures and about his relationship with Sarah Palin and Wonkette pulled out the greatest out-of-context quote from him

“There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I’m not gonna hurt her that way… You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far.”

But let's not ruin her book tour. I mean, it's not every day that you have a book out. There's plenty of chances to piss on her some more later. I mean, she'll be in the news until 2012, speculating whether or not she'll run, she'll drop hints in the media even if she doesn't and the 24 hour news cycle will eat it up and dissect the smallest hint of a possibility of a fraction of a chance that she'll run for president, then it will be whether or not she'll run for the GOP or as an independent and then and then and then and then...



Basically we're stuck with her, she's the consummate American celebrity politican and she's not going to go away so easily.

I suppose the nicest thing about it is that there's no shortage of dumb nuts that follow her every move and sing her praise. For what? I have no idea. I mean.. We have people like Palin Man, Who sounds like a man who has discovered that "PalinMan" is the only thing he's ever said or done that has given his wife an orgasm and he will just keep talking about it until his wife eventually leaves him for a professional Palin look-alike.

Miss Atom 2009

Miss Atom 2009

Here she comes... Miss Atom! Yes. There's a new Miss Atom. While I couldn't give two shits about the fate of Miss America, Universe or any other small time pagnent winners, it's all about the smallest.. Miss Atom! I'm a nerd, remember. This sort of thing appeals to me. Then again, I'm a warm blooded male so you shouldn't be surprised that Boobs appeal to me.



Oh yeah, news story link.

The results are in: Yekaterina Bulgakova, a sporty 25-year-old, snared first place in Miss Atom 2009, the annual beauty contest for the Russian nuclear industry. She wins a weeklong holiday in the socialist paradise of Cuba.

Alyona Kirsanova of Novovoronezh edged her way into third place. She wins a vacation in Croatia. Молодец!

This year’s Miss Atom contest garnered a fair amount of press, although the organizers had to contend with allegations of sexism and exploitation. This year, the anti-nuclear crowd even countered with its own beauty contest, The Environmentals.

While the Miss Atom website may have been toned down a bit, the contest gave us an intriguing look inside Russia’s nuclear complex, courtesy of contestants like Anna Matveyeva (pictured here), who received this year’s prize for "best debut." She wins a next-gen mobile phone.

Frankly, I'm going as green as I can and I'm saying it's not easy to be green when there's nuclear babes like this! It must be something in the water. So instead of some thought provoking piece, I'm just going to sum this blog up with poorly thought out and increasingly strained metaphors involving "splitting" to illustrate how much I'd enjoy sex with her, if you catch my drift.

So yeah, I'd like to Split her atoms! Though I set myself up for a "you have a dick small enough to split an atom!" Comments..

I'd like to bury my face in her higgs-bosom

I'd like to generate some HEU in her centerfuge


She didn't get disqualified. Just mutated.

I would prefer to fuse her nuclei with mine
(wait, that sounds like i'm impregnating her, to hell with that)

Well, I would still like to fuse our bathing suit areas

I'd make her roleplay with me as subatomic particles and then she'd be all "did you come" and i'd be all "maybe"




I think I beat that to it's nuclear core... So congrats Yekaterina Bulgakova. I'm sure you'll enjoy your vacation in the lovely and beautiful Cuba. I wouldn't know what it looks like since all I see of Cuba is the "90 miles to" marker on the edge of the Florida Keys.

I'm sure that the bread lines there wont be as bad simply because you wont have to wait in the snow for them. As you can tell, I wasted my A-material on the stupid metaphors. Oh well, what can I say, I'm away from home. Can't expect the top material while I'm out.

Summer Season Means Bad Diets

Summer Season Means Bad Diets

With memorial day out of the way and the issuing in of summer it means one thing. Wearing very little. Beaches, Bikini's, Babes and Booooooooobs! But before you put on that two piece there's a few things you have to remember.



The first is that a study shows that bikini's make you look like a piece of meat to guys.

Sexy women in bikinis really do inspire some men to see them as objects, according to a new study of male behavior. Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tool use lights up.

Men were also more likely to associate images of sexualized women with first-person action verbs such as "I push, I grasp, I handle," said lead researcher Susan Fiske, a psychologist at Princeton University.

And in a "shocking" finding, Fiske noted, some of the men studied showed no activity in the part of the brain that usually responds when a person ponders another's intentions.

This means that these men see women "as sexually inviting, but they are not thinking about their minds," Fiske said. "The lack of activation in this social cognition area is really odd, because it hardly ever happens."

Evolutionary psychologists have proposed that women tend to look for mates who have wealth and power, so some of Fiske's colleagues have suggested running a similar test where women are shown pictures of men next to expensive cars or other affluent symbols.

But Fiske doesn't think such an experiment would work the same way, because women usually react to men they desire by "interpreting their minds, thinking about what they're interested in, and then trying to please them," she said.

But don't let that stop you. I seriously wont be complaining. Wait, I'm taken. I shouldn't be looking at such things! Yes. that's right. NOT LOOKING! Yeah, that's right. Sheesh, I have eyes you know! Don't worry baby, you're number 1 to me.

Ok, moving on now since I'm sure I'm never getting laid again, with this piece of info it's no wonder that with summer here, people are going crazy for that last minute method to lose a couple of pounds. Whatever you do, do not try The Red Bull diet... It's not one of those diets you should try to follow.

A 23-year-old Auckland mother who lost 45kg in eight months by drinking nothing but energy drink Red Bull says she has ongoing health problems because of the diet.

Brooke Robertson told the Herald on Sunday she shrank from 105kg to 60kg drinking nothing but 10 to 14 cans a day, often accompanying them with nothing more than a handful of dry Honey Puffs.

Ms Robertson said she put on weight while carrying son Keir, now four, but did not make a conscious decision to go on a Red Bull diet.

"I just started drinking it. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating – I was exhausted," she said.

"I just continued to drink it because it's an appetite suppressant and I noticed I was losing weight so stuck with it."

Ms Robertson said she managed to keep her addiction secret from family and friends, and did not recover from it until after a two-week stay in hospital following a minor heart attack.

She said she has a heart murmur, gets severe pain and cramping in her stomach and bowel, and suffers anxiety attacks.

A Red Bull spokesman said there was "scientific evidence that caffeine is not addictive".

The drink was available in 148 countries "because health authorities across the world have concluded that Red Bull is safe to consume", he said.

I like how the article is predominantly focused on the diet aspects of the story, and not the fact that some nutcase drank nothing but Red Bull for 8 months. It's a terrible way to lose weight.. Well, I guess it gets results. Then again, she lost weight because she was taking in less calories than she was expending, althogh the quality of her diet was insufficient to nourish her over a significant period of time. Fascinating how that works.



What shocks me most about that article is that they're actually saying that Caffeine is NOT addictive. Can we tell tha tto the billions of coffee drinkers around the world? I know sure as well, as a former addicted junkie, that it's actually addicting.

Then again, if she wants to do this to herself, by all means knock yourself out. Just wait until she passes the massive kidney stones she's likely developed because of her ridiculous levels of Red Bull consumption. Or perhaps she'll just drop dead sooner or later. I knew a guy once who was perfectly healthy, 29, had a heart attack after drinking 4 or 5 a day for a few months.



I'm surprised she didn't get rickets or scurvy or beri beri or any other vitamin defficeincy that you get from drinking on ly soft drinks for 10 months. Maybe she would have done better with 10-14 glasses of prune juice per day. I wouldn't mind reading the headline to that. "World's Rawest Anus Can't get a break!"

I guess it just troubles me on what some people will do to have control. Someone driect this woman to weight watchers. At least that's healthy weight loss. Red Bull and all these ridiculous energy drinks that have taken over the gas station fridges taste so gross to me. I don't see why they are so popular. Red Bull looks a lot like fizzy piss. Want to stop drinking it? Pour it into a glass and look at it. The stuff looks nasty.



And as for health conditions, I don't get it. I once took Red Bull with Vodka. I didn't sleep for two days and my heart couldn't stop beating a mile a minute. Noooo thank you. I don't ever want to feel like I'm going to have my heart explode. I can't imagine drinking that shit nonstop for so many months.

So perhaps you should reconsider the crash diets, especially ones that are two steps above taking crack cocaine to lose the weight. I lean towards proper eating, a decent amount of working out and laying off the tasty after dinner treats that will add some junk to your trunk.

Merry Muffins and Muff Diving Day

Merry Muffins and Muff Diving Day

A month ago was Steak and Blow job day. The history of this day was that it was created to counter the amount of effort men are pushed into by society and their significant others because of Valentine's Day. It's a nice idea in theory. Who doesn't like oral sex and steak? I know I'm a big fan of both. Though I generally like only one of those half done. Who doesn't like both steak and blowjobs? Nazi's! That's who. Oh yeah, and those crazy religious types. I guess feminist also don't dig on them too much as I'm sure it's seen as some sort of degrading act that goes against being equal.

I guess the major problem with this whole thing is that I made a clear stand when it comes to Valentine's day. I don't do it because it's something that seems pretty forced by the society or specific dates.



In an odd attempt to even the odds females took the ball(s) and ran with them. In response to Steak and Blowjob day there's Cake and Cunnilingus day on the 14th of April.

Why? Well, as some enterprising men have declared March 14 to be "Steak and Blowjob Day", we women thought we'd get in on the act as well, a month later.

Cake and Cunnilingus Day is about celebrating female pleasure. It's about putting our orgasms on the agenda and demanding pleasure equality! It's about lying back and gorging on chocolate mud cake while our lover sticks his eager tongue into our pussy!

Valentine's Day is for lovers, no matter what their gender. It's about emotion, about committment [sic], about relationships.

Cake and Cunnilingus Day is a little more carnally obsessed. Forget the roses! This day puts the focus on women, their sexuality... and their tastebuds!

Of course, it doesn't have to be all about cake. If you're so inclined you're welcome to celebrate Muffins and Muff Diving Day. Or Pudding and Pussy Licking Day. Or even Candy and Clit Licking Day. The important thing is that our coochies get the oral treatment they deserve!

We'll take steak and cunnilingus, followed by some cake, thank you very much.

Talk about a press release. I just have to wonder what's the point? If you're with someone who doesn't like giving you head on any other day and you sort of have to force them to celebrate a specific day of it... I think you're with the wrong person. While the act of the day is something I can get behind, the intent ruins it for me.



Much the same if you need to come up with a witty day to get your boyfriend to put on the scuba gear and go down on you, you're with the wrong person. These actions should be voluntary. How about this, make every day steak and blowjob day and clit lick and cake day. Well, maybe you shouldn't have the food along with it. Could raise your blood pressure to unhealthy levels. But you get the idea.

All The Presidents Gettin' It On

All The Presidents Gettin' It On

Yesterday I showed you a pretty nice take of all the president's women.. today I go a little more hardcore and show you all the presidents.... GETTIN' IT ON! OOOOOoooh Yeah! This is a pretty strange exhibition as the artist paints herself having sex with all the presidents.


The President fucker right here.

Yes. That's right. She creates scandel by having all of the first men.

In Join Or Die, I paint myself having sex with the Presidents of the United States in chronological order. I am interested in humanizing and demythologizing the Presidents by addressing their public legacies and private lives. The presidency itself is a seemingly immortal and impenetrable institution; by inserting myself in its timeline, I attempt to locate something intimate and mortal. I use this intimacy to subvert authority, but it demands that I make myself vulnerable along with the Presidents. A power lies in rendering these patriarchal figures the possible object of shame, ridicule and desire, but it is a power that is constantly negotiated.

I approach the spectacle of sex and politics with a certain playfulness. It would be easy to let the images slide into territory that's strictly pornographic—the lurid and hardcore, the predictably "controversial." One could also imagine a series preoccupied with wearing its "Fuck the Man" symbolism on its sleeve. But I wish to move beyond these things and make something playful and tender and maybe a little ambiguous, but exuberantly so. This, I feel, is the most humanizing act I can do.

Her statement about it is unbearably pretentious. Then again that's art-speak, man, haven't you ever been to a gallery?

This whole thing is a little suspicious. On the one hand, her pretentious art speak makes sense, but on the other hand this gives her an excuse to draw herself naked and having sex 43 times (44 if she fucks Cleveland twice) and be called edgy and daring for it.

I bet all the other artists who like drawing themselves having sex were bummed they didn't think of it first


And here she is giving head

Since you need to witness this car accident of an art exhibit, here's the Link to the art pieces of her fucking the Presidents

I guess the real question is that if you haven't imagined yourself having sex with all the presidents before now, I don't know what to tell you. You're just not human. At least not patriotic. So far I did a blog on the President's mistresses and now the Presidents themselves. She needs to do the first ladies series next.



I'm really tempted to ask her which president had the biggest wang in her little fantasy world. But that'll just open up a can of worms that I'm not ready tohandle.

Is she pegging Buchanan. I was worried about how she'd handle the gay one but it all worked out in the end. Yes, that was a pun. Hey, if she could get away with bending over and fucking the chef in command, I could do stupid puns. What, are you going to stop me?


How could she treat the Presidents this way. I guess the artist does want to humanize them but I have to question if seeing someone getting pegged or getting it on really does that? It's using their image and just enjoying sex with them. Well, does it seem like enjoyment? I guess that's in the eye of the beholder (D&D reference oooh yeah!) Well it's too late now. The only question is if she'll follow through and finish this series. I have to say, I lost it when i got to John Quincy Adams.

He looks like Jabba the Hutt. Which I'm not sure if it's historically accurate but hey, this Asian wants to take it to the streets, she's gonna have to play hard. Wait, what did that even mean?



Some of these are a little odd though. I'm not even touching the Pegging. I'm a bit surprised and looking forward to what's to come. FDR should totally be getting a lapdance. It'd be awesome if her picture of her with Warren G. Harding was him completely limp with an apologetic facial expression and she's in the foreground like "Whatever."



How could I forget Tricky Dick? Nixon's gonna be funny whatever it is because she has to paint his scowl. It's by law that he has to always have a scowl on his face whenever he's pictured. We call it Nixon's law.



Carter will be so sad, he said that he once cheated on his wife by having thoughts for another woman and it made him feel shitty. This bitch is gonna break his heart. Why would you do that to Jimmy, WHY?!?! I mean, she drew Lincoln without his hat, grant without a liquor bottle, and Jackson without a single firearm. She's not really making them any less human. Though, I guess using items that would have me relating to their image does help the cause.



Why stop at the Presidents anyway? What about the Vice Presidents? Do they get sloppy seconds? I will pay good money if she did a series on Al Gore and Biden. Shit, Biden needs a full 50 painting series himself. His smirk alone could make any girl drip.

I wonder if she did any history on these guys and found out what they'd like sexual and then went from there. Like, does Lincoln really have an enjoyment of getting head? I know he liked Wrestling, but did he really like head? Let's not talk about the pegging but if this isn't just some social commentary on the presidents basic human enjoyment, I'm not sure that this isn't anything more than her fucking some presidents.



Perhaps she's just playing into the whole deep seeded Asian girl fantasy most men have. I can honestly say that I don't give a shit about all that. I'm immune to that Asian ~*^_^*~ Fetish. Maybe it's just that they think they'll have someone to watch anime together and eat Japanese food with. The idea that they're naturally submissive must really get those guys with insecurity issues. Guess what guys, cleaning the cheetos crumbs out of your chest hair is not l'amour!



This kinda makes me wish I had voted for Hillary Clinton, or as all the peeps who know whats up call her, Hilldog. Perhaps she should make a gangbang scene with all the Presidents waiting in line for their turn. I mean, how can you do any president after Obama? Isn't there some sort of saying for that whole thing? Oh, don't act like you're innocent and pure. I don't even need to say it and I'm sure you already know what I'm talking about.

So yes. I end March with the art world marching forth in a political manner. Maybe April will be a little less political and a little more celebratory since it's filled with so many fun dates to look forward to. On to a new age!

SPRING BREAK WOOOOO!

SPRING BREAK, WOOOOO!

Since I haven't been in a school for many years now and work for a living, I don't have a clue when spring break actually occurs, but I hear that it is upon us. Maybe I'm just getting old and I don't want to deal with a Mexican drug war in my time off, but you wont find me there. I'm not much for being the "let me see your boobies" type.


Picture is pretty fitting given the next paragraph is about Disney.

I think the only reason why I realized it was spring break around this time is because I was looking at my Disney annual pass black out dates and realize there's a huge black out in the two weeks around Easter. I would gander that it's like the Chick-fi-la effect. It's only on Sundays when I get the craving for that food and now it's when I don't have the ability to go that I want to go.

Let's not kid ourselves, Disney isn't the go-to place during spring break in the age bracket that is most likely reading this blog so let's not talk about that. Spring break is typically the time of year when college kids go crazy. Why wouldn't they? With the idea that once you finish school the job market is going to be total shit, I'd be getting pissed drunk, stripping off my cloths and forgetting all those issues as much as possible.



Only I'm a dude and no one wants to see that shit. They've already saw more wang than they wanted in one sitting of Watchmen. What exactly does spring break mean? Well, it's typically two weeks around Easter when everyone needs a break with spring to stop and enjoy the roses. By roses I mean nudity and beaches. Oh yes, keggers. I'll enjoy my own spring break with massive amounts of beer. Minus the actual time off, of course. I guess people try to meet other people during this time of drunken debauchery.

It is spring after all. Something about the smell of fresh roses and things getting warmer just brings it out. So the idea of new romance is always in mind... ok, let's face it. These are flings at best. I don't know anyone who met that Mr./Ms. Right at a spring break party. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it while it last.



"But Javier, where will I get advice on how to land that Spring Fling?" Don't worry kiddies, you have me here to guide you. While I may have very terrible luck with the ladies, if I can be an arm chair critic, I could be a keyboard typing love guru. Especially with the help of the internet. One day when sorting through my spam on hotmail I saw an MSN article and well, it's been magic since then.

Its been a while since I did a paragraph by paragraph assessment of an article. So what the hey, here's an MSN article that deals with dealing with your little spring fling

Lesson #1: It's OK to date more than one person.
There was a time when a date was just a date. One night it was Mona; the next night, Claire, and things weren't considered serious until someone suggested going "steady." Now, we're in the era of the one-cocktail commitment, where dating more than one person is looked down upon. Except on spring break, that is, when you kiss two people in one night while texting a third to meet you at the Tiki bar. But the truth is, those college kids are onto something: If your dating goal is a lifetime relationship or marriage, then you'll have plenty of time for monogamous commitment. Maybe even decades of time. As long as you're truly honest about your actions and intentions with everyone you date, you'll avoid the one break you don't want: the heart one.

Why wouldn't it be ok to date more than one person at a time? I'm not sure I get this mentality in today's society. It should always be ok to date more than one person at a time. That's what dating is. Whatever happened to the days when Peter Parker had the trouble of planning a date with both Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy on the same night.

Everyone should be spinning plates if not in a serious relationship. How the fuck are you going to know what you want and don't want in another person if you don't go out there and date a couple of people and see what you like. Just because I ate at McDonalds for lunch doesn't mean I have to eat there for dinner tonight.

Let's make it clear. It's ok to date more than one person, just not all at the same time!

But I have to say that it's important to be honest and upfront with the other parties. If you're not in a committed relationship, make it known. Too often people think that a couple of dates means that you're already together.

Add in that people fear that if they let it be known that they are dating others at the same time that they'll automatically lose them. Not so, besides are you that scared that you can't find someone who will be interested in you if the current person you're seeing drops out? Remember that humans are competitive as all hell. Being honest about them being one of many that you're dating can actually lead to them trying to win your attention and pull out all the stops in order to come out the victor.

Lesson #2: Don't drink more than your date.
Yes, alcohol can sometimes feel like a nice social lubricant. But before you dose yourself on your next date, take this spring-break lesson with you: It's all fun and games until you make a fool of yourself giving a stranger a lap dance on a public stage and then losing your cookies on someone's bare feet. If you and your date want to tie one on for kicks, go right ahead. Just be sure to do it together, perhaps even in private, lest you get so drunk, you end up in an embarrassing anecdote in a story about bad dates … which is exactly what happened to a guy who went on a date with my friend Jamie. "We went for Japanese food, and he suggested we order some sake," said Jamie. "I said I was good for a glass, but he wanted to get the whole large bottle. When I told him I wouldn't be able to drink that much, he said, 'That's OK, I will.' And he did." Jamie said his drunken behavior was less than attractive, and she couldn't wait to get home.

I suppose this is good advice. I dunno. I mean, it's fucking SPRING BREAK!!!111 WOOOOOO! Pass me the kegger and start it up. WOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOoooo! How else are you going to get someone drunk enough to find you funny and be willing to lower their standards enough to sleep with you?



Well isn't this shot a bit romantic? Or.. just plain creepy. I'm not entirely sure yet which is it.

Drinking actually can lead to a good insight on the person. Depending on what they like to drink and what they wont touch, not to mention the specific stories they'll tell you because of that, it's an excellent way to get to know someone. If they don't touch Tequilla because of one crazy night, you know exactly what there limit is going to be in terms of "crazy nights"

I think the biggest point against this advice of not drinking is how else will you justify that mistake the next day?

Lesson #3: Head to where there are more fish in the sea.
What's one reason all the young things on spring break always seem to find someone? Because there are just so many someones to go around! Give yourself a similar leg up. Instead of hitting the same old local bar full of the same old faces, try traveling a bit out of your comfort zone (and maybe your town), and hit spots where you might meet some new people.

So.. I guess Disney would not be a good place for Spring break? Not unless it's your mother-f'ing Birthday, Yo! Then we'll be dancin' wit Mickey and Pluto all day long, Yo!

I think the real point of this advice is to not be barking up the wrong tree. If you want someone who's going to put out, don't go picking up people at an abortion protest. Which is sound advice if you're actually not shit faced drunk right about now. Which you more than likely are. In which case, stop talking to that telephone pole. It doesn't want to hook up with you nor does it care that your dad owns a car dealership over in Macon, Ga.


Here fishy fishy fishy

Besides, if you go to a place were you normally don't go to find that summer fling, it'll be a whole lot easier to disappear when they start to look for the douche bag who knocked them up. If that's not a reason enough to follow this helpful MSN tip, I don't know what is.

Lesson #4: Order the special on the menu.
One of the best things about short-term, pleasure-seeking trips is that you live every minute like it's your last. If you're on spring break, you see it as a fleeting moment of youth that must be lived to the fullest: You order the special drinks with umbrellas in them, you dance on the beach in your bikini —and you probably take advantage of plenty of other opportunities you might regret the next day. Still, you feel like you're really living. But the fact is, whether you're 20 or 45, you still only live once. So why not make every date special and memorable? On your next date, think spring, and try something daring. Hit the rock-climbing wall at the gym, or order the rosemary cocktail and the sliced beef cooked on the rock. It might be terrible … but it will be memorable. And that's what living is all about.

Wait, what? What special menu? All these years I've been doing this all wrong. I didn't know that there was a secret menu. I guess I knew I could do it "Animal Style". The real test here is if you thought I was referencing Sex or In-N-Out. I'm sure it says a lot about you depending on which one you choose.


I suppose that is something new to try...

I'm still confused by this special menu? I like what I like. Maybe it's because I'm going on 29 but I think I have had enough life under my belt to know what I like, don't like, want and don't want out of someone I'm dating or something I do or eat. Don't get me wrong, I love mixing it up as much as the next guy, I just don't see much of a point in doing so when I'm on vacation. It's time to relax.

Ok, that's silly. I know I'm always up for eating something strange and different but that's my every day me. I know I like red hair, meat medium-rare, my drinks strong and stiff. Nothing new here. I not only encourage everyone to be daring on spring break, I encourage you to be daring every god damn day of your life. This shouldn't be a two week out of the year thing. Go out there and live life always. You never know when it's going to be cut short.

Lesson #5: Make out with someone you'll never see again.
There's one thing partying kids have mastered — the no-strings-attached hookup — that might also be good for you. Why? Because sometimes it's healthy to hook up without thinking about tomorrow for just a minute. That doesn't mean you have to have sex with someone — even consider some sexy kissing in a restaurant parking lot. You may learn a few things about yourself in the process, says Ava Cadell, love coach and author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love. "Sometimes it's easier to be less inhibited with a stranger than someone you know," says Cadell.

It can also give your self-confidence a good boost by reminding you that you are one good-lookin' person whom plenty of people would be lucky to date. It also provides your brain a nice break from plotting your future together in the first five minutes of meeting. That's true refreshment.

Yeah, I guess making out with someone you randomly know can give you a sense of ego boost. But I have to question the "don't worry about tomorrow" advice. Really? Really?! I may like to throw caution to the wind as much as the next reckless fool but I'm going to at least find out some things about the person I'm going exchange mouth spit with.

For one thing I need to know if they are married or have children. Possibly their social security number and fico score. This is all after a 5 day waiting period because the state mandates this. You can get around this if you go to Mexico for spring break but you'll have to grease the palms of the local police. Best to keep them on your good side, if you know what I mean.

Then you have to clearly do something to extend this ego boost. Show off to your friends. Make out in front of them! No, even better. If you're really a friend you'd make out with them to boost their ego. It's clear that everyone needs ego boosters in this day and age! MAKE OUT WITH EVERYONE! WOOOOOO SPRING BREAKKKK!!!!!

Lesson #6: Go out for guys' or girls' nights out just to have fun together — not to hook up with the opposite sex.
For some reason, those big girls' and guys' nights out often turn into "lonely group sitting in a bar scanning room for potential hookups instead of having fun together." Spring break, on the other hand, is first and foremost, about feeling free and having a blast together — and if that involves licking whipped cream off a stranger's shoulder for laughs, so be it! Mature adults should consider this same approach (well … to a point). So instead of going out with the goal of meeting The One or someone, aim to have a great time with your friends above all else. And what happens from there may surprise you.

Here is my rule of thumb -Never approach someone if they're in a group. You'll be stuck buying everyone at the table a drink or you'll look like a jerk to the one person you're interested in. You're also going to be judged by a panel at that point and like that one out of five dentist that doesn't think colgate kills more cavities, one of those in the group is going to talk shit. Be it because of jealousy or just honesty. It's a losing situation.

So with that said, don't go out in a group hunting tail. It's stupid and ineffective. If you're going out with friends, go out and enjoy yourself and NOT look like you're desperate for such hook ups. Also, a group of guys look intimidating. You want to scare away all the hopefuls? Way to ruin things!

The last thing you want to look like is a big group of losers. That's why I tell my crew to hang back while I'm on spring break. I'm getting away from work/school/whatever, why not take a vacation from them as well? This playa's gotta roll all his own, yo.

Pack mentality is pretty stupid. I have a friend who whenever there was girls around or we went to a bar, he would hit on EVERY GOD DAMN GIRL. It was like he was playing the odds of throwing shit on the wall and seeing if any of it sticks. He was the ultimate cock blocker and it would be annoying as fuck. As soon as he was talking to one and he saw you start talking to a different girl, he would come over and interrupt and ruin the moment. Dick move, ryan! I mean.. wait, yes, this person is unknown. no fuck it. Ryan knows he does this shit all the time. FUCK YOU, RYAN!

Lesson #7: Sunny weather and bathing suits definitely put people in the mood.
If you're looking to amp up the closeness with someone you're seeing (or if the dating you're doing is more like a "date night" with a long-term partner), take a page from kids on spring break: Consider a weekend away in a place that feels like paradise. (Just don't schedule it for the same time the college kids are hitting the same paradise.) "The sun releases more feel-good hormones that flood the brain," says Cadell. And the better you feel, the more fun you'll have and the better your date will go.

Here's another helpful hint. If you don't want to be around a ton of drunk college kids, don't plan on leaving to anywhere in the two weeks around Easter. They will be everywhere. But I agree. There should be more situations where the two of you feel like wearing very little to nothing and enjoy paradise. That should always besomething to keep in mind. So with this one I agree completely.

Less cloths. +1

Lesson #8: Look on the bright side of your date.
On a spring break trip, the goal is to have fun with the people you meet, plain and simple. But in the adult world, dating becomes more like a grocery trip: You pull out your list, push your wonky cart up and down every aisle, and scan the goods. "Do you like spicy food? Good. Been married before? Oh. Have goals for the future? Glad to hear it. Like to travel? Oh, that's a shame ..." Instead of taking your next date so seriously, toss away your stuffy list, and look for the best things about your date. Find out what you do have in common and what you do like about him or her. And as you part ways on the doorstep, don't analyze how you feel about your date too soon. Instead, maybe you want to do what the spring-breakers would do: Go on and kiss 'em! Sometimes that makes all the difference.

I'll extend this to life because I think it's stupid to think that you're only allowed to have fun on Spring break. They say life is really short. Guess what, if you're not enjoying it than it's really really really REALLY long. Make the best of the time you have and you'll be surprised on how much fun the good times can be.

Much like dating. It shouldn't have to be an ordeal to work with. If you find you like someone for whatever reason, go out and have fun. If you find you two don't mesh well or if there's some issues. End it. Life is really long and you don't have to rush into things. Marriage should be something that isn't on your mind.



I have to say it again but you really shouldn't be in a long term relationship till you're at least 25. By then you've more than likely dated a whole mess of people and had fun. Found out who you are and what you want so you don't end up in dead end relationship with complete losers who you're sticking with simply because you're afraid that you wont find someone to love you or that loves you the same way.

Maturity is tossed around a lot but it's seldom actually looked upon in the correct manner. You need to be mature in other ways to be in a good relationship. Most of all, you just need to get some single player action out of life in you before you're ready to go co-op.