The Penis Mightier Than The Sword

The Penis Mightier Than The Sword

I keep coming across this ad on the internet and it got to the point that I had to say something about it. You know, I can usually ignore stuff like this for so long before my gut reaction to make some stupid comment just seems to be in my face.

Let's take a look at the strangeness of this advertisement.



I know what you're thinking. "WHAT THE FUCK.... That queen is pretty young!" I know I was thinking just that. I mean, look at her. she doesn't even look a day over 20, can she legally drink mead? Well, I guess at that age she would be going through her mid-life crisis. That biological clock would be ticking on how long she has to find a good prince and settle down before she dies at the ripe old age of 24.

Most importantly, what's u with the sword pointing at her breast? I mean, the sword could be a penis. Well, let's be honest, All swords are penises. If we were a female-dominated species through history, we would see that all of our weapons would be shaed like vaginas. It's just a fact, people want to make their junk seem more powerful. I learned, in that one year of college level woman's studies that that was the cause with all pigs.. I mean men.

But the image goes deeper. You see, the queen is also a penis. It is a very complex image. Now, I don't even know what the product is that they're trying to sell to me. Is it some cheap knock off of WoW? If so, no thank you. I don't need swords pointing at tits to realize that I would not be getting any if I was playing WoW, let alone a cheap, Payless version of the game. I mean, where else am I going to find some tail...

I guess I could try the internet..



First off, if I met a christian single that looked like that.. I would be getting on my knees and well... not praying, that's for sure. Then I would just not bother dating her. I mean, it may look good on paper, but like communism, it wouldn't be nice to live through.

First off, she's hot and to not be able to have sex cause she's "christian" would be a crime against man, country and anything else that is right in this world. Not to mention that she looks like she's actually a porn star and this stupid TOGETHER CHRISTIAN company just took her image to attract and convert them desperate to get tail types. It's the classic bait and switch approach.

Finger Play: Fall Video Game Release Guide

Welcome to the most hectic time of the year for video game releases, when many of the most anticipated titles begin their Russia vs. Georgia vs. Alaska-like war for holiday season shelf space. This year has so many big names on the way that it can be easy to lose one or two in the shuffle, so keep this guide bookmarked in case things get confusing and get your gamefly ready.

About: A platformer for the YouTube / Twitter / 9/11 era, Little Big Planet gives you the ability to tell yourself you matter by creating levels and sharing them with the world. There is absolutely no chance that people will get tired of playing random levels without any real sense of progression or context within a larger story.

Why It's Anticipated: People can't get enough user-generated viral cloud computing welcome to the social.

About: After draining all the fun out of the Elder Scrolls series with Oblivion, Bethesda is ready to unleash their "mannequins and lots o' terrain" brand of game design on the classic Fallout franchise. The game promises to have over thirty billion endings and at least three voice actors.

Why It's Anticipated: Although Oblivion had its faults, Bethesda has the potential to knock this game out of the park. This would bring about a mass suicide of the Fallout zealots, whose whining has become synonymous with (and therefore ruined) the series they've been trying to protect. Pretty much everyone in their right mind is hoping this happens.

About: First person parkour in an Orwellian city that exhibits its oppression by being very clean and pleasant.

Why It's Anticipated: First, the main character is an Asian Girl. That was enough to propel the sales of Oni, the original "run through a hallway" simulator that inspired Too Human.

Most importantly, this is the first video game that promises to deliver a true first person experience. Momentum plays a role in your movement, and you'll be able to see your character's arms and legs as she performs athletic feats. Almost 60% of gamers believe in Newton's laws of physics and have at least one appendage, so the target audience is huge.

About: World of Warcraft: The Snow Levels. Next expansion: Lava World! Remember that God-like boss that you spent months gearing up to kill in Burning Crusade? Now there's an even bigger God-like boss, and he needs killin'!

Why It's Anticipated: People are sort of dumb.

About: A horror game in the vain of Alien and Event Horizon and Sunshine and System Shock, but in space.

Why It's Anticipated: Although hard sci-fi is probably the genre that best lends itself to video games, there are far less titles that fit into the category than you'd think. Nerds like me don't have much to look forward to besides Dead Space and the possibility of Leisure Suit Larry: Hunt For The Black Hole - Black Hole Is A Metaphor For Vagina.

About: FUCK YEAH! *heavy metal music, blood spurts, the camera pans across a bombed-out building which is made entirely of skulls*

Why It's Anticipated: A few months ago, I was going to make a Gears Of War parody game for Video Game Article. Wielding the chainsaw gun, players were going to fight such enemies as logs, pieces of paper, and ice blocks that could only be passed after being carved into swans. Thanks to the legal team that defends the Gears Of War brand, this game never came about. The world is anxious to see of Epic can recover after such a horrible mistake.

About: World War 2 has been done a billion times. How can we make a war game that's different from anything you've ever played? Add aliens! Let's make that shit even more unique by presuming that everyone will want a sequel before we start working on the first game!

Why It's Anticipated: People want to make sure that playing an FPS with the Playstation 2's controller is as awkward and unpleasant as they remember.

About: The follow-up to 2003's overhyped (but still fun) action RPG. Aside from a few flowery quotes about the main character's dog being a window into the soul of storytelling, Peter Molyneux has pretty much contained his urge to talk the game up this time around.

Why It's Anticipated: Video game fans are frothing at the mouth to finally play a game where your actions determine whether you're good or - get this - evil.

Ubersoldier 2: The End Of Hitler
I'm just as surprised to learn that there was a first Ubersoldier as I am to learn that Hitler is dead. 5/10

Lego Batman
Has just as much of a reason to exist as Army Men: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but the Army Men series knew it had worn out its welcome before that could get made so we can't compare the two much farther. 6/10

Warriors Orochi 2
This is the 22nd iteration of Dynasty Warriors (yes, really) in just over ten years with no noticable changes, which puts the Lego series right on track. 3/10

Pure
But I thought it was impossible to make a next-gen racing game that doesn't require microtransactions to give players more than six tracks and one environment. 8/10