Condoms - Goldilocks Syndrome

Condoms - Goldilocks Syndrome

Well, let's face it. We're approaching Valentine's Day and that means that people will have an excuse to have sex. Yes, that's right, even the most undesired can get laid that night if they simply go to the bars and seek out a partner in all those other people who went out on this night in search for love.. or at least the fleeting feeling that you are loved by someone who got a couple of Jack and cokes in you..

So what does this have to do with Goldilocks and the three bears? Well, no. This isn't about big hairy gay guys. More to the point of Goldilocks not finding the right size that she needed and being all anal about getting it just right. And what the hell does that have to do with condoms? Well, you see, condoms come in all shapes and sizes. Take this (discovered fake) Durex ad boasting about size....



Ah, it just makes you wonder about the shitty nature of our societies view point on penis sizes and the need to buy something more for the idea of protraying yourself as something you are not nor probably need. You see, Speaking on behalf of guys wth enormous dicks everywhere, I'd just like to say that that's inconsiderate.

That ad is advocating violence against prostitutes because seriously, who the fuck wears condoms during blowjobs? We already wrap our junk in a layer for sex, do you now want to take away the fun that the feeling of lips on a penis feel by putting a sheet of rubber between you and it? Pfft, I think not! That was how I took the ad at first, like the band-aids were covering up warts or something. But I think it's implying that the dick is so big that it actually injured her mouth because it was SO BIG and those are the people that need enormous condoms.



It really is a completely useless product, too. Normal condoms are more than elastic enough to handle porn stars-- the normal consumers of "magnum" condoms are insecure teenagers (or their mental equivalents) who want to look cool buying the "big stuff". All they really do is slip off and cause more pregnancies in most cases. At best they're just a little wider at the top. That's it. They play directly into the insecure minds of every tiny penored young adult.

I remember in college when I would hear stories about how folks in the health/resource office would have guys who would pass up free condoms all the time because they were "too small" for them. Apparently I attended the University of Gigantic cocks in Girth town, USA. Man, I really do miss the days of free condoms... much less the occasion to actually use them. But man, do I miss getting those condoms and thinking I was going to fuck like a rabbit. It would be like giving a guy the bullets but no gun or target....


Something's wrong in this picture.. Can you tell what it is?

Oddly enough, in college a lot of people refused to use the free condoms handed out by planned parenthood because the churches spread the rumor around that they'd poked small, invisible holes in them so people would get pregnant anyway and would somehow have no choice but to have an abortion. I'm not sure which is the more retarded reason to pass on free condoms: "Mah dikz be too big" or "invisible holes will get you knocked up, yo". Either way, dumb ass shit.

On the other end of the specturm... India and Condoms have not had the best of relationships. If you didn't know, three years ago it was reported that condoms were too big for Indian men...

Condoms 'too big' for Indian men
December 8th 2006
By Damian Grammaticus
BBC News, Delhi

Condom factory
There is a "lack of awareness" over condom sizes
A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research.

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, told the BBC there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large.

The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate.

And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.

'Not a problem'

Mr Puri said that since Indians would be embarrassed about going to a chemist to ask for smaller condoms there should be vending machines dispensing different sizes all around the country.

"Smaller condoms are on sale in India. But there is a lack of awareness that different sizes are available. There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist's shop and ask for a smaller size condom."

But Indian men need not be concerned about measuring up internationally according to Sunil Mehra, the former editor of the Indian version of the men's magazine Maxim.

"It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters," he said.

"From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well.

"With apologies to the poet Alexander Pope, you could say, for inches and centimetres, let fools contend."

You sort of have to chuckle about this. The BBC literally wrote a 400 word article about Indian men having small penises. Three years later... this news story came out..

600 of city’s condom machines vandalized
December 21st 2009
Ruhi Bhasin & Risha Chitlangia

NEW DELHI: About 600 of the 3,000 Condom Vending Machines (CVM) that were installed by the National AIDS Control Organisation (Naco) in different locations around the city are not working, as they have either been vandalized or removed. Moreover, few people use these machines.

The idea behind these CVMs is to make condoms easily available to the public. "We in India are yet to accept the concept of condom vending machines. In Delhi, on average, each vending machine dispenses only one packet of condoms a day. Right now, our aim is to make people aware of safe sex practices and to encourage them to use condoms. For this, easy access to condoms is essential," said Gaurav Jain, project leader (technical support) of condom promotion, Naco.

Then again, Indians are more uptight about sex than Americans. It's quite an accomplishment if you really think about it. The Indians I met in college were some of the most prudish people I have ever met in my life. So India is still trying to push the condoms to the masses with witty commercials such as these;



Ah, the things that Kumar has been doing since he was written off the show on House.. What won't you do and where's Harold and Kumar go to White Castle III? I want to see Neil Patrick Haris get drunk again!

And then there's this musical number which really puts into question what I'm missing out with working on films in the United States when I should seriously be getting into the Bollywood scene.



Maybe it's just because they have a hedonistic-primitive culture that encourages shameless promiscuity. Perhaps it's time to outsource penis enlargement spam... Though, worse of all is that Indian commercial acting is even further behind us than condom use.

If they want to encourage condom use, perhaps they should make smaller curry scented condoms. It wont hurt if their women trimmed their bushes and showered once in a while. I know they're catching up with us on the Film making front, how about you follow suit with the grooming tips down under.



So with all this confusion, how can you really know what size of condoms you really need anyway? On the box it's always bullshit like LARGE, EXTRA LARGE and MAGNUM or whatever. It's not like Condoms want to advertise that they're for NORMAL size penises because when you're in the check out you want to make sure you're showing off that the old lady or college drop out scanning your products will judge you and never want to have sex with you if you have a "Size normal" condom package. If you get a painful constructed feeling when you put one on then you probably need to go up a size. Personally, I get the best fit out of the plastic bags from the grocery store.



Yup, India is a fascinating place. I was sorta shocked at how HIV is transmitted through mostly sexual contact in India. Since HIV/AIDS is mostly transmitted through blood based contact outside of Africa.

The overwhelming majority of infections in India occur through heterosexual sex; women now account for around 39% of adult infections. In many cases married men have acted as 'bridge populations' between vulnerable populations and general populations; women who believe they are in monogamous relationships are becoming infected because their husbands have had multiple sexual partners. Often social norms restrict women from making decisions about their sexual relations, contributing to their vulnerability to HIV. Studies have shown that intimate sexual partner violence is also a risk factor for women.

For some reason I suspect that the patriarchy is at work here. Maybe they should really get on top of that whole condom use there. Small penises and all. Though I do have some Indian friends, so perhaps I'll toss in that Indian penis sizes have doubled in the last three years. So you ladies not going for Sanjay because you fear of not being able to feel anything... well then you're silly because remember that your female hole can only really feel stuff three or four inches deep before it gets lost in the darkness.

But let's roll with the idea that the Indians are just jealous of the Chinese surpassing them in penis size (and just about everything else)

And remember Americans, the average French penis is 1.2 inches longer than the average US penis. Yup, now I'm starting to see why we hate on French so much...

Penis envy.

I'm not worried, I have Spaniard ancestry and we all know how well endowed they were to rape and pillage just about every culture. :smug:

The Penis Mightier Than The Sword

The Penis Mightier Than The Sword

I keep coming across this ad on the internet and it got to the point that I had to say something about it. You know, I can usually ignore stuff like this for so long before my gut reaction to make some stupid comment just seems to be in my face.

Let's take a look at the strangeness of this advertisement.



I know what you're thinking. "WHAT THE FUCK.... That queen is pretty young!" I know I was thinking just that. I mean, look at her. she doesn't even look a day over 20, can she legally drink mead? Well, I guess at that age she would be going through her mid-life crisis. That biological clock would be ticking on how long she has to find a good prince and settle down before she dies at the ripe old age of 24.

Most importantly, what's u with the sword pointing at her breast? I mean, the sword could be a penis. Well, let's be honest, All swords are penises. If we were a female-dominated species through history, we would see that all of our weapons would be shaed like vaginas. It's just a fact, people want to make their junk seem more powerful. I learned, in that one year of college level woman's studies that that was the cause with all pigs.. I mean men.

But the image goes deeper. You see, the queen is also a penis. It is a very complex image. Now, I don't even know what the product is that they're trying to sell to me. Is it some cheap knock off of WoW? If so, no thank you. I don't need swords pointing at tits to realize that I would not be getting any if I was playing WoW, let alone a cheap, Payless version of the game. I mean, where else am I going to find some tail...

I guess I could try the internet..



First off, if I met a christian single that looked like that.. I would be getting on my knees and well... not praying, that's for sure. Then I would just not bother dating her. I mean, it may look good on paper, but like communism, it wouldn't be nice to live through.

First off, she's hot and to not be able to have sex cause she's "christian" would be a crime against man, country and anything else that is right in this world. Not to mention that she looks like she's actually a porn star and this stupid TOGETHER CHRISTIAN company just took her image to attract and convert them desperate to get tail types. It's the classic bait and switch approach.

A Case For Dr. Manhattan's Penis

A Case For Dr. Manhattan's Penis

No, you did not have Tyler Durden in the projection booth. What you saw on the screen you were meant to see. That's right, a giant blue glowing penis. I suppose that penis and sexual intimacy makes many Americans irrationally uncomfortable. Even with the idea that all comic book films are made for children, folks. Stop kidding yourself in believing such lies.

Its been about a week since the release of the film and all I keep hearing about is how everyone noticed the giant blue wagging penis on the screen. I'm glad that the internet has brought this up though. Cant turn to your friend and say that without raising questions.



This film had everything! Butts! Dongs! Blue butts and dongs! Triple blue dongs! Premature ejaculation! More blue dongs! I felt like I had died and gone to dong heaven and, on a clear day, I could look to the west and see Buttville. I will never stop seeing blue dongs thanks to this movie! I wasn't this surprised by the male form since Eastern Promises.

As much as people saw it, no one caught that this was the most in your face comic error in the film. Dr. Manhattan was circumcised! How dare they treat Alan Moore's masterpiece with such small respect! This is completely against the comic book. A human rebuilt from scratch missing a noticeable part of his penis. Hmmm.



I know what you're thinking and it's more than likely true; Hollywood = Jews. Why is this a surprise to anyone, let alone me? Not really so in this case. Hollywood/Americans ruin everything. Like the time they made a "replica" for David's Michaelangelo for the Caesar Palace in Las Vegas and gave him a penis extension and circumcision.

Now why is this an important issue? Well, many feel that circumcision is genital mutilation. How dare they! How dare they kill off 20% of Dr. Manhattan's feeling?!?! No wonder he has no attachment to society. Then again, circumcision increases size. So why the hell not.

So tell me... what do you see?

He is suppose to be the model of the perfect man, thus the circumcision. He was able to rebuild himself to look exactly how he wanted to. I suspect most Americans in 1985 would be sans-schmeckel. Also who wouldn't want to get rid of a disgusting fleshsock between his legs... Boooyah! In your face! Well.. not really, then this would be NC-17.

The dude's name was Osterman. Of course he was going to make himself to be the perfect being for all the ladies. Oooh yeah. Do people all worked up about 'genital integrity' also get pissed at cock rings and prince alberts and such? He rebuilds himself after being evaporated. maybe he was circumcised before the accident, and wasn't comfortable with having extra foreskin after the fact.



Perhaps the movie would have been better if he had gotten inappropriate hard-on's through out the movie (when all the VC's are surrendering, when Comedian kills the girl, after killing Roroschach, etc...

But the fact that these people would giggle at Michelangelo's David doesn't trouble me the most. I guess I should be more concern with that one guy behind me who kept shouting his agreement with Rorschach, for example when he was chopping up the guy's head. Just as bad as when the audience cheese the Comedian's actions.


Orb himself a pair of tighty... blackies.

Frankly, the more full frontal male nudity we have to counter all the male-gaze bullshit in every piece of media we're inundated with on a daily basis is fine with me. If you can show dick after dick and tits upon tits and bumping and grinding away but if you so much as show an erect cock for a single frame BOOM NC-17 in this society.

Oddly enough I was looking for Dr. Manhattan pictures on the internet and one search result found me... Nudity in Manhattan... Clearly a sign that we need to save Manhattan at all cost!

I was at the comic shop the other day and I heard the funniest thing. Seems this customer took his 10 year old to see this movie. Why? Why not. I saw Predator a tons of times when I was just as young. But his reaction to Dr. Manhattan was:

"he could orb to another planet but he couldn't orb into a pair of pants".

Really if Dr. Manhattan wanted he could turn his dick into a replica of a tasteful Noguchi coffee table by Herman Miller. But he don't give a FUCK.

And with that we look towards the reality of Watchmen...

Boy born with two penises.

By VIKKI THOMAS
Published: 11 Mar 2009

A BABY boy has undergone hours of complicated surgery – after being born with TWO penises.

The child, named only as Artyom G, was born two weeks ago in Russia after a normal pregnancy in which medics did not detect any problems.

“Doctors were shocked by what they saw when Artyom was born - he had two penises instead of one, and no tummy wall,” reports have since claimed.

The boy was rushed from his maternity hospital to a specialist Moscow clinic where he underwent a lenghty operation to join the two sex organs.

“The surgery was complicated. We had to form one penis out of two, make the abdominal wall and create a bladder,” said a doctor involved in the five hour operation at St Vladimir’s Children’s Clinical Hospital.

“When our colleagues asked for help we said yes immediately but we couldn’t imagine the case would be so complicated.”

The hospital said that the baby is now in good health and the surgery a complete success.

“He will grow into a normal man and be able to have kids,” the doctor added.

In June last year, we revealed how a baby was born with a second penis on his BACK.

The tot was born to farmer dad Li Jun, 30, and his unnamed wife, who live in Hejian city in central China's Henan province.

I hope he sues when he gets older! So the kid was born with no "tummy wall"... Yet the doctors were more worried about 2 penises?

Doctor: Phew... now he has one normal dong!
Nurse: But what about the stomach wall thing?
Doctor: Fuck that, he was going to be a freak with 2 dicks!

Back to Watchmen. I think all this talk of blue cock should at least have some climax. So enjoy this alternative ending to the movie.

Who Watches The Watchmen's Junk?

Who Watches The Watchmen's Junk?

In an ongoing series of blogs about the upcoming Watchmen movie, I'd be a fool not to jump on this news piece. Late last year, comic purest were trying to figure out if we would see Dr. Manhattan's penis in the film. The answer was a Yes and we settled that. No worries folks, you'll get to see a giant blue wang on March 6th.

I still find it odd that little kids could check this book out at their library and as a buddy of mine told me he saw, little kid have the book in their Dora the Explorer backpack. I'm sure a lot of the themes of the book are lost on them. The whole cold war era scare and the idea that the lines between what makes one the good guy and one the bad guy is blurred. Oh.. not to mention the whole huge blue penis thing...



A little back story. Dr. Manhattan's real name is Jon Osterman. He was in an accident that trapped him in an intrinsic field separator. His atoms were smashed, but, eventually, methodically, he reconstructed himself and came back as a blue skinned superhuman who can do anything because he has a quantum consciousness that reveals time, space, and matter as they are in atomic detail. The short of it is that he's pretty much a God among men.

But the real question that you should be asking should be "But is he a God in the sack?" Which leads us to a rather unusual movie promo. For any given movie you'll see a studio market it in very unique ways. They'll toss out beach balls for a summer movie or give you a random Doll if they're trying to promote a new show like Dollhouse. It's basically free crap that will get you to promote the movie in any way possible. Usually in the form of a free shirt or hat. It's just to get the buzz going on it.

When I found out that one of the promo items for the upcoming Watchmen film is the following thing, well, I'm left wondering if they know the target demographic.

Yup. That's right.. the marketing department at Warner Brothers and Zach Snyder decided that it was a good idea to make a Watchmen condom promo. Remember, Watchmen is a 12 issue comic series from the 80's. I'm not sure if "Getting Laid" is in their pull list, if you catch my drift.

It may be a superhero film, but it's not for kids. It's rated R. So I don't think that is an issue or anything. I just find it very odd and very funny at the same time.

In one point of the book Dr. Manhattan is asking for a reason or at least some justification that the human race is worth saving. Well, I think we can all answer that one by pointing out that we have made Watchmen Condoms as the reason why Mankind is worth saving. Blue Penis.. that's why.



It's a little concerning considering one of the plot lines running in the book was the anyone close to or who had spent long amounts of time with Dr. Manhattan got cancer. Presumably because Dr. Manhattan is a walking nuclear conductor. So don't mind me if I raise my eye brow on wrapping my penis with this Dr. Manhattan condom. Should I warn my partner about this before they find out through some embarrassing television interview that previous lovers have gotten cancer from my rod?

Do you think that Manhattan's ability to synthesize matter led to some kind of prophylactic revolution? And would these condoms glow blue? If they did, I'd be really happy to try one out.
"What happened to the American dream?"
"You're lookin' at it!"


Nothing like a huge blue wang to get a movie off right

On the plus side, going to comic con dressed as Dr. Manhattan is going to be a lot easier. The whole "Paint your body blue" thing was alright till I realized I would have to paint my penis blue. That was the tough sale and it was holding me back. Now that I just need to slip a condom on my junk and it'll finish off the whole blue look, I'll have it easy!

I can't wait for the chance till someone ask why the Watchmen condom box is empty, I'll be ready to respond with "I did it Thirty-five minutes ago."

Oh yeah.. I'm a huge nerd.. I know.



I'd like to take a moment to point out that in no place in this blog did I stoop down to the level of making a blue balls joke. But now that I mention it, at least my wang will match my nuts! ZING!