Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday!

Now that you had so much fun watching women flashing their titties on Fat Tuesday celebrating Madri Gras, it's time to come down from that high and get Ash Wednesday on with. No, it's not a day you're suppose to watch Army of Darkness. It's not that sort of Ash Wednesday. But it is time to mock your co-workers for having a dirt mark on their face.

You're probably wondering what exactly is LENT. I'll tell you. It's the past tense and past participle of the verb "Lend". Now you know and knowing is half the battle. In a nut shell, it's when a person of religious back ground, namely catholic or christian, gives up some thing they do for 40 days and 40 nights. This is suppose to mirror the made up scenario that Jesus went through when he went through the desert.

But to me, the "Self denial" of Lent is funny because it's not difficult or useful or behavior-changing and is basically just a way for children in adult bodies to trick their caveman brains into expecting a reward for their sacrifice. It's very silly to think that some arbitrary day has more poignant meaning of giving things up over any other day.



I know what you're thinking. How dare I say something true about your beliefs! You'll have me know people have held your beliefs since before the Renaissance and the Scientific Revolution and that makes them beyond reproach!

But let's get real. Do you really know what you sound like?

"Oh hi, I'm going to fst because I'm a christian. And by fasting I mean I wont eat meat. Well maybe only on Fridays though.. But it can only be fish because that's not really meat... and McDonalds has a sale on Fillet-o-Fish."

No meat on Friday seems like the easiest rule to follow of this whole time period. Given that it's mostly poor families that are more religious, there's typically no meat the rest of the week either.



Think about it. It's as silly as thinking that some magic sky man cares that you gave a thing up. Though I admit that most catholics recognize the absurdity of giving something up for lent.. except for meat on Friday. Why exactly? I have no idea. I would just like to point out that while Jerry's is a Jewish deli, they still serve shrimp cocktails.

Lent is nothing but horse shit. A couple thousand years ago the pope decided that in the leanest time of the year (midwinter) he should trick people into fasting/using fewer resources so he could continue bribing his secret baby mommas without having to pay a premium on dates and spices.



Should I remind you again that the Pope's house is a city. Think about that. A city that is its own country. A country financed in part by cheap dates and spices from the orient and a country that is the size of 17 football fields.. Let that sink in.

I suppose that there should be nothing absurd about making a choice to remove something from your life that impacts it negatively. All it ends up being is some promise that you make to yourself before god. Though I remember the few times growing up what I gave up for Lent and I'm sure that 8 year old me didn't really prove much as a person or to God in taking a month away from Saturday morning cartoons until Easter.



When it comes to appeasing the higher being with giving up something, who do you think you are really impressing with your pussy denials. If you want to practice will through self denial Ramadan is the way to go. And if this really is just abstaining to improve yourself, you're doing it all wrong. Asceticism is for the weak-willed, taking up good habits is much cooler than giving up bad ones.

I just have to laugh when people say they're giving up sweets and slushies for lent. I mean, really? You're going to use the excuse of giving up something to better yourself or sacrifice something in the name of some higher power to give up something so trivial? Yes, it may mean something to you, but let's be honest, how will giving up those things for 40 days improve your life at all?

I know, maybe I could just give the bitterness I have towards religions. But do we ask balloons to give up helium for lent? I think not! It's very simple, you either accept your bad habits or kick them permanently, the reward is not feeling guilty about it and/or a healthier life for yourself.

Ashes To Ashes Done Classy

Ashes To Ashes Done Classy

When we die we like to think that we'll go out in some sort of classy or fashionable way. You don't want your body to get used by some college medical students or your organs being used like a football. Nor do you like to think of the reality of the situation that your body will be nothing more than worm food. It will unless you decide to burn the whole thing up to a pile of ashes, that is.

I'm still not sure what I want done to my body. Part of me wants to become worm food. Be all that I can be in the whole circle of life. But the other part of me just wants to have a viking funeral. Put my body in a small boat, drench it with fuel and push it out to sea while it's going up in flames. Let my burnt ashes float away forever lost. I somewhat doubt I'll be ever well known. And even if I am, what's so wrong with just letting my friends, fans or loved ones just remember me in their thoughts?



Well, now you can remind those loved ones how exactly you looked. You see, even if you decide to go the route of getting turned into ashes, you can have all the fun of an open casket. These custom urns, made using facial reconstruction and 3D printing are now available!

Talk about creepy. It would be like opening the eyes of the person in the casket to make it seem like they're looking at you and are still alive. Only you're not still alive. Just think of the implications. You no longer need a nice looking vase or urn to put up on the mantle. You can have a 3D face of the person who died reminding you of their absence for decades after they die!

To me it sounds a bit morbid. I suppose if they made those sing like the hanging Billy Bob Fish, they'd really have something going for them.


♫here's a little song i wrote...♫

I suppose the best part of the these is site advertises that they can use an image of the deceased or a favorite celebrity. I know who I'm getting, Britney, Bitch! I mean, why wouldn't you want to put your ashes into the head of one of your favorite celebrities. It's not like you'll be around when the celebrity hits bottom and is doing reality shows on VH1 to pay the rent, right?

I suppose it is a better method of storing the ashes of the loved ones. I mean, it has to be better than putting it in the fridge with a label of "DO NOT EAT", right?