A Series of Tubes - Being A Complete Ass About Ted Stevens

A Series of Tubes - Being A Complete Ass About Ted Stevens

Early on in the day yesterday I was able to use this series of tubes to find the following news story

A U.S. government official says former Sen. Ted Stevens is believed to have been aboard the airplane that has crashed in Alaska.

The official tells The Associated Press Alaska authorities have been told the former longtime Republican senator is among several passengers on the plane. The official, who spoke on grounds of anonymity, says Stevens' condition is unknown.

So, Ted Stevens, did you survive the plane crash?



Looks like he was on a... plane to nowhere.

Ted Steven's life, tragically cut short, at the vibrant age of 86. It's always sad for a parent to outlive his or her child, and when asked for comment Mr. and Mrs. Stevens responded, "Mmmmmmmmehehhaheahehahaehehahh eeeeeeehhhhhgggg hheeeeeefhdfhdfjfhggg".

The thing that saddens me the most about former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens dying in a plane crash is that Momma Grizzly, Sarah Palin wasn't on that plane with him. But at least my other prayers have been answered. Maybe God does exist after all.



One thing about Ted Stevens though, he died the way he lived. On a plane to a fishing trip sponsored by lobbyist. Essentially that's what happened. Capitalist scum was killed by his own excessive consumption. Praise marx!

Doesn't he know that the remote area 325 miles southwest of Anchorage is not a place you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of pipelines tubes! I mean, this dude did a lot of unethical bullshit. Like, remember that time he got off because the prosecutors screwed up? I do wonder how much money one can fit into a suitcase.



But you see, it wasn't all good luck. Former NASA administrator Sean o'Keefe was also on that flight and survive. Why am I mad that he made it? Let me remind you that the shuttle Columbia was lost on his watch due to exactly the same kind of institutional complacency that led to the loss of the shuttle challenger and which NASA vowed would never happen again.

Besides that, he's the current CEO of EADS, and if he wasn't profiting off war he couldn't have afford to get on that plane in the first place. So god damn you, plane crash. I wanted to say my good byes to that Space Cowboy.



Moving back to Stevens. This isn't his first brush in with death. In 1978 Ted Stevens survived a plane crash where 4 of 6 passengers died. I'm willing to bet that he's one of those guys who would eat the other passengers to survive.

Then there's his wife who died in a plane crash years ago and now he finally dies in one. Maybe his wife was haunting the plane he was in. This was so totally one of those Final Destination films. Only Death really fucked up in waiting 32 years to finally play catch up. Either that or planes really fucking hate this guy.

When you factor in that his wife died in a plane crash, his stance in being Protective of Alaska aviation was pretty ghoulish.

A former senior federal aviation-safety official says that former GOP senator Ted Stevens, who is reported to be among the missing in the crash of a small plane on Monday night in a remote area of Alaska, was “very protective” of an “aviation culture” in Alaska, which sometimes involved risky flying practices that might not be tolerated elsewhere in the United States. CBS is reporting that Stevens died in the crash.

hey we can't have big government bureaucrats telling us how we can fly our planes and... oh shit, what was that? what was that sound? ohhhh god oh god... the plane is going down oh god the wing is on fire we're going to slam into that cliff OH GOD AHHHHHH



You know, my greatest wish is to die in an appropriately comedic fashion. What more noble pursuit is there than to provide your fellow man with a brief moment of mirth, even in your demise. I mean, I get that all life is Precious(: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire) but I have no problem getting a good laugh out of this.

Some of us spend every day in constant bliss because we know people are dying every second and it's amazing. Most of them are dying boring deaths, but there's that rare exception when it's just filled with total irony.

Remember that one asshole doctor on ER who got his arm chopped off by a helicopter and then later a helicopter raped his wife and the final piece of irony was that a helicopter fell and smooshed him good. Good times. George Clooney was dreamy in that.

But in any event, with Ted Stevens, hopefully someone filmed the crash and it's longer than 10 minutes so they have to upload it as a series of Youtubes. God forbid an 86 year old man die in a plane crash instead of going out the way God intended, painfully wasting away from terminal cancer and spending the last years of his life hooked up to a series of tubes see what I did there?

Fuck it, I'm ending it with a Remix!

Ashes To Ashes Done Classy

Ashes To Ashes Done Classy

When we die we like to think that we'll go out in some sort of classy or fashionable way. You don't want your body to get used by some college medical students or your organs being used like a football. Nor do you like to think of the reality of the situation that your body will be nothing more than worm food. It will unless you decide to burn the whole thing up to a pile of ashes, that is.

I'm still not sure what I want done to my body. Part of me wants to become worm food. Be all that I can be in the whole circle of life. But the other part of me just wants to have a viking funeral. Put my body in a small boat, drench it with fuel and push it out to sea while it's going up in flames. Let my burnt ashes float away forever lost. I somewhat doubt I'll be ever well known. And even if I am, what's so wrong with just letting my friends, fans or loved ones just remember me in their thoughts?



Well, now you can remind those loved ones how exactly you looked. You see, even if you decide to go the route of getting turned into ashes, you can have all the fun of an open casket. These custom urns, made using facial reconstruction and 3D printing are now available!

Talk about creepy. It would be like opening the eyes of the person in the casket to make it seem like they're looking at you and are still alive. Only you're not still alive. Just think of the implications. You no longer need a nice looking vase or urn to put up on the mantle. You can have a 3D face of the person who died reminding you of their absence for decades after they die!

To me it sounds a bit morbid. I suppose if they made those sing like the hanging Billy Bob Fish, they'd really have something going for them.


♫here's a little song i wrote...♫

I suppose the best part of the these is site advertises that they can use an image of the deceased or a favorite celebrity. I know who I'm getting, Britney, Bitch! I mean, why wouldn't you want to put your ashes into the head of one of your favorite celebrities. It's not like you'll be around when the celebrity hits bottom and is doing reality shows on VH1 to pay the rent, right?

I suppose it is a better method of storing the ashes of the loved ones. I mean, it has to be better than putting it in the fridge with a label of "DO NOT EAT", right?

Immunity

Immunity

I wasn't going to touch all this swine flu shit because, well, I don't want to die. That and it's a lot of media buzz for something so fucking small. The flu kills countless of people yearly and it's not media attention. The whole fact that this is spreading a bit faster gets people concerned and really, there's no need for such craze.

The only reason Mexico is so hard hit by this is because their living conditions are piss poor. They don't have good medical. Even though you can get prescription medicine over the counter there that you'd need a doctors note for here, there's mass amount of crowding on public transportation and other places where the general public gathers. So it will of course spread quickly in such areas.



At best, this is a fade pandemic. Swine flu is this weeks bird flu which was two weeks ago pandemic craze. Speaking of which, did you know that Aids just went pandemic. I like the word Pandemic. Though I think I kept hearing it for months after watching the first or second season of the wire. Those Baltimore drug dealers sure have funny names for their drugs.

Before you folks dismiss Mexicans as being completely inept at handling this situation, consider this fact. Every time you hear about travelers going to Mexico and drinking the water, there's tales of getting deathly sick. Water, of all things. Mexicans are immune to that and freely drink it. You think they survive on Tecate and Coronas? Please, that'll cost too many pesos.


You see I find the term swine offensive which is why we should name it after the mexicans

This is simply a matter that when Mexicans are sick, they still go out. My mother would push me out the fucking door every day to go to school weather I was healthy or not. Half of my high school years was spent pale sickly white and shaking. Clearly I was going to be acting like an outbreak monkey in terms of passing whatever I had around.

To give Mexico credit. They've handled this outbreak responsibly with clear transpency and have been very responsive. They've taken the steps to prevent a much larger outbreak. Closing down shops and having people stay inside. Call Mexico a shit hole if you want but they got a lot of shit together. Can't say the same thing for other places.. ahem ahem KATRINA ahem!


So it began..

Keep going out and doing your business. This seriously isn't something to be all that concerned about. And don't get me started on the potential of the phrase "SWINE" to cause hell on the food industry. For some reason people think that you get swine flu from eating pork. Morons. Well, that just means more pig for me. I hear it's a magical animal.

The best course of action is to simply build up your immunity. How? I guess eat a ton of pork. Sure, why not. Wash your hands and just keep clean. Simple as that folks. It may be the end of April but it wont be the end of you.

On a final note, it's not a MEXICAN FLU, you honkies had it first. Just cause you don't want to remember the 70's fashion doesn't mean you should block out the 70's ads as well.

2009 Dead Pool List

2009 Dead Pool List

I know it's morbid. Very very morbid. But I love doing this every year. Some people have the Superbowl, others have the slots in Vegas. My poison is to figure out who's going to bite the big one and push some daisies up in 2009. You know, if they make it in time they can secure their spot on the Oscars telecast.

There's Chinese parlor houses using emerald tokens right now putting their organs on the line for.. well, I suppose it's money that they're gambling on. I mean, who would gamble for anything different? We're not in Japan and this ain't no pachinko machine around.

So how does the game work? You come up with ten celebrities who you think have a higher risk of dying over the course of 2009. Then we apply a 100 point system. You take the age of the corpse and subtract 100 from it. At the end of the year you add up how many points you have from your stiffs and declare the winner. ... Well, it's a hallow victory unless you really dislike the person.

So here's my Celebrity picks on who will bite it in 2009.

Hugh Hefner - He dropped his other girlfriends for twins. They'll give him a heart attack and I'll get some points out of it.

Roger Ebert - Writes the best movie reviews but has lost the ability to talk and isn't in the best health.

BB King - Diabetes and he's not looking like he's in great health. One of those bittersweet picks. When he dies he'll take some great music with him.

George Steinbrenner - Fuck the Yankees. He didn't show up for the last game at Yankee Stadium and stepped down from his position leaving his two sons to control the franchise. That's saying something right there. This dude's entering the bottom of the 9th.

Amy Winehouse - They told me she was going to live through 2009 and I said NO NO NO! Is there any reason that I need to give that isn't clear enough already?



Mindy Mcready - Crrraaaaaaazzzzzzzzy.

Patrick Sawyze - His dirty dancing ways are soon to come to an end. A case of cancer really means that I'll be surprised if he last six months into this year.

Ted Kennedy - How has this man escaped death and John and Bobby didn't, I'll never get. But death is seriously at his door already.

Larry King - We lose Tim Russert before we lose Larry King? There's no God. But I'm sure 2009 will balance it all out.

Barack Obama - It pains me to put him on the list. America got it right and elected the lesser evil. But we all know that this is a grim reality that we need to face. Someone will try to take a shot at Obama. Our country is too divided and there's way too many crazy red necks out there. I saw a lot of that living in the south for a short time I did. I'm hoping that this one is another dud. But being the morally corrupt soul that I am, I can't help but put him on my dead pool list.

So there you have it. , that's my list. I encourage you to email me with your list and I'll add you on. Winner will get some strange prizes I'll accumulate over the year. Not to mention the satisfaction that you called it. You morbid sick freaks!