Putting My Body On Blast

Putting My Body On Blast

After the last post about weighing in on the Holidays it got me to thinking about two years ago when I bought my first scale as an adult. It was about three years ago and it was digital. I had no idea why I hadn't gotten a scale before that. I guess that's why I was on a slide from my younger days when I was pretty thin and I started packing in some weight.

The scale was pretty cool. It was digital and gave you your metabolism age range, calorie count to maintain whatever said weight it told you, body fat percentage and last but not least - your weight. I suppose that's something no one wants to know at this time of the year.

I finally bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have to say.. Ouch! I don't think it's just the Turkey that's stuffed. Then again, I did think I was hovering at that weight I am. Oh, you think I'm keeping it secret? Nah, I'm going to put it out there. 215.2lbs. and according to the fancy scale I have a body fat of 31%. My daily calorie count needed to keep up said weight would be 3,623... ouch.



Now, I'm not going to lie.. that sucks. But it's not something I'm going to let get me down. When I first got the scale I was 218lbs and at least 33-34% body fat. Over the course of a couple of months I went down to my lowest of 178lbs and 20% body fat.

So with the knowledge that 51% of the average person's annual weight gain occurs during the 35 days between Thanksgiving and New Years eve, I'm making it a goal to not gain a single pound, but in fact, lose several. Now I know I'm not going to get back to that 178 status fast. But I plan on cracking a couple of pounds and defying the whole Holiday pudge. I'm not going to post a photo log or a before/after. Frankly, such exposure is embarrassing and I can see no real value or reason to do it.

So how can this be done? Perhaps it's best to look at it as if you're paying off a debt. I have acquired this debt by eating to my unnatural comfort levels despite living in a society my body is not designed to live in where food is abundant, delicious, cheap, in great variet, and often socially pressed on you. Come on, it's Thanksgiving!



It's a simple matter of more calories used than calories consumed. Seems easy enough. I used to count the calories I was taking in. At the very least have a rough estimate on how much I was eating. This had me be aware of how much I was using. To add to that, I'm going to go out and do more activities. When the writers strike occurred, I was able to go hiking or running every day. This increase in activity burned a lot of calories.

Since my target weight is literally close to 30lbs, I realize this is a long haul life style change and maintaining it. Will I still indulge on the Holidays? I am guessing Yes. But with some plan to keep it to moderation. I'm pretty much going to drop the empty calories of soda. Even diet. I enjoy water and I have to save some calories for alcohol. There's really no denying one some booze. I enjoy drinking good beer. So there's no way I can live without that (my, my.. overweight AND alcoholic?)



To be honest, with the knowledge that I have to eat 3623 calories a day to maintain this weight, it is a little easier to handle. I can be perfectly happy with a 1500 daily calorie intake and still burn more calories than I consume at my weight. The first couple of pounds will actually be easy with a slight modification of my eating habits and avoiding certain items. But when I can easily have a healthy meal plan like this:

Breakfast: 1/2 pound grilled chicken breasts and banana - 330 calories
Mid-morning protein shake (optional) - 120 calories
Lunch: Whole grain sandwich with 1/2 pound of lean roast beef and spinach - 600 calories
Mid-afternoon protein shake (optional) - 120 calories
Dinner: Salmon filet and steamed veggies - 300 calories
Late night snack: Some fruit - 50-100 calories

It falls well within the daily calorie count at just 1470 calories a day. With the protein in my diet it'll kick off thermogenic processes that effectively reduces the caloric intake of my food, as well as an over/under of 200 calories for milk for that extra boost of protein. When you lose weight, a large percentage of it is muscle (20% or so) Eating a good amountof protein will decrease the muscle loss, as will resistance training.



The real trick to avoid the hunger cravings is to cut out most of the carbs in ones plan. Rice, cereal and all that are all processed grains that are monkeying with my blood sugar and my body releases insulin as a result to keep up with the intake. But the intake has stopped because I've quickly digested the grains! The insulin will be running down my blood sugar levels, so I'm stickng to veggies and fruits for less hunger.

Add in working out three days out of the week at the least and I should see a drop . Then again, I could just submit to Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet

100 Things Tyler Durden Would Do As A Waiter

100 Things Tyler Durden Would Do As A Waiter

I love fight Club. I really do. It was a great film and it's almost going to be 10 years old. Pretty fucking crazy, right? Well then. The New York Times posted a list of the 100 things, that as a boss, you shouldn't let the scum workers do. So here's the 100 things the aristocracy doesn't want the serfs who work front of house to do:

Herewith is a modest list of dos and don’ts for servers at the seafood restaurant I am building. Veteran waiters, moonlighting actresses, libertarians and baristas will no doubt protest some or most of what follows. They will claim it homogenizes them or stifles their true nature. And yet, if 100 different actors play Hamlet, hitting all the same marks, reciting all the same lines, cannot each one bring something unique to that role?

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.

3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived.

4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right.

5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.

6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.

8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.

9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.

10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.

11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.

13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles.

14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.

15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”

16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.

18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”

19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread.

20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.

21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.

22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.

24. Never use the same glass for a second drink.

25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.

26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire.

27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.

28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.

29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.

30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.

33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.

34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.

35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.

36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.

38.Do not call a guy a “dude.”

39. Do not call a woman “lady.”

40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.

44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic.

45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests.

46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.

47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.

48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.

50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout.

51. If there is a service charge, alert your guests when you present the bill. It’s not a secret or a trick.

52. Know your menu inside and out. If you serve Balsam Farm candy-striped beets, know something about Balsam Farm and candy-striped beets.

53. Do not let guests double-order unintentionally; remind the guest who orders ratatouille that zucchini comes with the entree.

54. If there is a prix fixe, let guests know about it. Do not force anyone to ask for the “special” menu.

55. Do not serve an amuse-bouche without detailing the ingredients. Allergies are a serious matter; peanut oil can kill. (This would also be a good time to ask if anyone has any allergies.)

56. Do not ignore a table because it is not your table. Stop, look, listen, lend a hand. (Whether tips are pooled or not.)

57. Bring the pepper mill with the appetizer. Do not make people wait or beg for a condiment.

58. Do not bring judgment with the ketchup. Or mustard. Or hot sauce. Or whatever condiment is requested.

59. Do not leave place settings that are not being used.

60. Bring all the appetizers at the same time, or do not bring the appetizers. Same with entrees and desserts.

61. Do not stand behind someone who is ordering. Make eye contact. Thank him or her.

62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.

62(a). Do not let a glass sit empty for too long.

63. Never blame the chef or the busboy or the hostess or the weather for anything that goes wrong. Just make it right.

64. Specials, spoken and printed, should always have prices.

65. Always remove used silverware and replace it with new.

66. Do not return to the guest anything that falls on the floor — be it napkin, spoon, menu or soy sauce.

67. Never stack the plates on the table. They make a racket. Shhhhhh.

68. Do not reach across one guest to serve another.

69. If a guest is having trouble making a decision, help out. If someone wants to know your life story, keep it short. If someone wants to meet the chef, make an effort.

70. Never deliver a hot plate without warning the guest. And never ask a guest to pass along that hot plate.

71. Do not race around the dining room as if there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency. (Unless there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency.)

72. Do not serve salad on a freezing cold plate; it usually advertises the fact that it has not been freshly prepared.

73. Do not bring soup without a spoon. Few things are more frustrating than a bowl of hot soup with no spoon.

74. Let the guests know the restaurant is out of something before the guests read the menu and order the missing dish.

75. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course.

76. Do not ask if a guest is finished the very second the guest is finished. Let guests digest, savor, reflect.

77. Do not disappear.

78. Do not ask, “Are you still working on that?” Dining is not work — until questions like this are asked.

79. When someone orders a drink “straight up,” determine if he wants it “neat” — right out of the bottle — or chilled. Up is up, but “straight up” is debatable.

80. Never insist that a guest settle up at the bar before sitting down; transfer the tab.

81. Know what the bar has in stock before each meal.

82. If you drip or spill something, clean it up, replace it, offer to pay for whatever damage you may have caused. Refrain from touching the wet spots on the guest.

83. Ask if your guest wants his coffee with dessert or after. Same with an after-dinner drink.

84. Do not refill a coffee cup compulsively. Ask if the guest desires a refill.

84(a). Do not let an empty coffee cup sit too long before asking if a refill is desired.

85. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it.

86. If a few people signal for the check, find a neutral place on the table to leave it.

87. Do not stop your excellent service after the check is presented or paid.

88. Do not ask if a guest needs change. Just bring the change.

89. Never patronize a guest who has a complaint or suggestion; listen, take it seriously, address it.

90. If someone is getting agitated or effusive on a cellphone, politely suggest he keep it down or move away from other guests.

91. If someone complains about the music, do something about it, without upsetting the ambiance. (The music is not for the staff — it’s for the customers.)

92. Never play a radio station with commercials or news or talking of any kind.

93. Do not play brass — no brassy Broadway songs, brass bands, marching bands, or big bands that feature brass, except a muted flugelhorn.

94. Do not play an entire CD of any artist. If someone doesn’t like Frightened Rabbit or Michael Bublé, you have just ruined a meal.

95. Never hover long enough to make people feel they are being watched or hurried, especially when they are figuring out the tip or signing for the check.

96. Do not say anything after a tip — be it good, bad, indifferent — except, “Thank you very much.”

97. If a guest goes gaga over a particular dish, get the recipe for him or her.

98. Do not wear too much makeup or jewelry. You know you have too much jewelry when it jingles and/or draws comments.

99. Do not show frustration. Your only mission is to serve. Be patient. It is not easy.

100. Guests, like servers, come in all packages. Show a “good table” your appreciation with a free glass of port, a plate of biscotti or something else management approves.

Bonus Track: As Bill Gates has said, “Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” (Of course, Microsoft is one of the most litigious companies in history, so one can take Mr. Gates’s counsel with a grain of salt. Gray sea salt is a nice addition to any table.)

I might have missed it but I didn't notice anything about not peeing in the soup. I do like the whole "don't ever tell anyone your name" thing. It's good. It helps create an even playing field where all worker drones are identical.

Oh. I'm a comedy website. I suppose you were expecting me to rip into the suggestions with my witty remarks. In truth, it's good advice. It's just very douchy in how the list is carried out. Thought it was an interesting, if not comical read of what the waiters are expected to do in places like New York. The land of culture.

Besides, maybe this will give you a better insight on why those wait staff deserve that 18-20% tip that you're so fucking scourge about in giving.

Lay Your Hannah Off My Montana!

Lay Your Hannah Off My Montana!

I take no credit for the title. Not because I didn't just think of it. No, because I actually did. But it's so awful I really want no credit for it. Let's just forget I ever brought it up.

Among the other things I would like to bypass and have no questions asked about and yet I still want to point it out is that I have a good stock pile of Hannah Montana dried fruit snack packs.



What's that? Why do I have these? Geez. I thought I said I didn't want to have that asked. Way to go and fuck with the program here, homie.

So I guess the spot light is on me now and I have to answer it. Why do I have a stock pile of these tasty fruit snack packs?

Simple answer, they are tasty and they were cheap. Extremely cheap. They were discounted heavily and so I bought a lot of them. Maybe it's the fact that whenever I eat one in public I'm looked at strangely. As if eating Hannah Montana's dried Banana is a bad thing? You know you'd be eating her dried apple any day if given the chance!


I'm sure this is not how she makes these snacks

Ok, now that's just getting wrong. I'm just trying to stay healthy here and while it doesn't fit the role of forbidden starches one should keep hidden, it's still very strange to have so many around.

Consider it the best of both worlds. It's fruit AND snack. Yeah, I know. Fruit should already be a snack. It's what keeps the doctors away. NOT SO! Apples suck to eat when they get picked from the tree. I mean, it's like they're as hard as rocks. If rocks grew on trees. So this fruit snack thing is mighty delicious.

In saying all this, Hannah Montana THE MOVIE! comes out this weekend. I have no intention of ever watching it. I haven't ever seen Hannah Montana the TV show for more than it takes to flip through the Disney channel as I go towards Cartoon Network. I am an adult after all. So I have no idea what the appeal is.


Off to the secret dried fruit making family

For that matter I have no idea what the show is about. Maybe it's the epic story of one girl's quest to make dried fruit snacks? I dunno. Maybe that's why the fruit snacks make sense? Maybe it's not that simple. Perhaps it's better that it's not that simple.

All I know is that I have some good dried fruit snacks and Hannah Montana will break box office records. If anyone watches it, can you tell me the secret on how her dried fruit snack factory produces food this good?

Thanks in advance.

Kogi - Taking Roach Coaches To New Levels

Kogi - Taking Roach Coaches To New Levels



I'm a taco maniac. I love nothing more than a street taco late at night. Unlike most, I have no problem in trusting my fellow man when it comes to slinging meat on an outdoor heated platform and serving it up to me on a warm taco. Perhaps it's because I depend craft service when it comes to feeding myself on a daily basis at work. No matter how you shake it, I'm all for allowing a little bit of dirt in my food to add to the flavor.

The bar for craft services is no longer and will never ever be the same again because I have had Kogi. What exactly is Kogi? It's a standard delicious taco truck with a Korean BBQ twist. It's like going to a K-town all you can eat without walking away smelling like you've been sitting in a campfire all night. They don't do regular Mexican meat tacos. They spice it up with cuts like spicy pork, short ribs and tofu.



It really is something truly unique and very delicious. You have a nice blend of spicy and well, more spiciness. It's Korean BBQ meats, what did you expect? They have a wide selection to choose from. Short Ribs, Spicy Pork, Korean Chicken, Tofu and then they alternate as Chef Roy likes to mix it up with things like. Tomatillo French Toast w Goat Cheese, Kogi Dog, Kimchi Quesadilla and a new pickled strawberry.

During my first experience I had a Short Rib Taco and Spicy Pork Burrito. I did sample a bit of the French toast w/ goat cheese and while the tomatillo was really subtle, it did taste really delicious. If my mouth wasn't already burning with flavor goodness I would have followed it with the kimchi quesadilla. I'm looking forward to my second, third and many more future adventures tracking down this elusive taco truck of fusion fair.



The interesting aspect here is that this taco truck uses technology to their advantage. Using Twitter to give those in the 2.0 world a constant update as to where they're going to be, what specials they have and if they're running low or out of food at a given spot. So you don't have to go mad searching for them they can be easily tracked this way.

I generally roll solo on my taco adventures. Specifically because there's not many who appreciate a good street taco. The general idea is that people don't trust anything that doesn't come out of a drive-thru window or has a health code grade in the window. Even with that, try going into Thai Town. It's a flashback to my high school years, nothing over a C grade. The rare instances when anyone wants to roll with me is always welcomed. There's a certain magic to sitting on a cold concrete slab or some provided lawn chairs and enjoy meats of various. What's better than good company while enjoying good food?


A: Short Rib Slider.

All in all, I think I'm addicted to a new food substance. Korean BBQ Tacos. Which isn't a good thing. At least with all you can eat Korean BBQ places it's such an over abundance of food that I only go once every couple of months. You know, after I'm finally able to get the smoke out of my cloths after the third wash. But if I have the ability to get Korean BBQ on a daily basis in the form of tacos... Holy hell, I don't know how fat I'm going to end up being.

I know I'm not the only one who's getting addicted to this as you can tell from the following video documenting others venture into trying to find this elusive Korean treat.