Marking My Turf

Marking Your Turf

Let's face the facts.. if you're in a relationship chances are half of your concern is losing that relationship. So there's little ways that one tries to mark their territory. I can't say this is the most healthiest of things to do when you think about it, but some people just can't help but do it without realizing it. Take for example these Cafe Press gift ideas for the recently past Valentine's day;



It's sort of silly. I mean. Do you really not trust you significant other enough to not cheat on you that you have to do this childish branding. Yesssss! You're all mine now, Bitch! I OWN YOUR ASS! Nothing like

Just think about it, who is exactly going to look at your boyfriend/girlfriend's underwear that this will actually be put to use. You would hope that this isn't going to actually work in preventing your significant other from cheating. You know, like they're right there finally going to seal the deal in nailing someone else and then the pants/skirts come down and BAM! Right there it's in the other person's face that your BF/GF is the property of yours. Looks like someone got caught. Should have worn a different pair of underwear.



You go Kateland! You show them who's your man! I just don't get this idea of putting your name or marking your turf on your significant others underwear. Again, who is going to see it to begin with? Their doctor? Other than you, it's going to be hidden under clothing from the rest of the world anyway.

Then again, maybe they were going for the BDSM angle. I know, pink with hearts isn't very BDSM.. unless there's some weird pink-with-hearts-BDSM fetish I'm not aware of.... Oh wait.



I guess any fetish you are capable of conceiving to a degree sufficient to formulate expression of has already been thought up and has an enthusiastic community of participants. This includes that pink BDSM fetish, I'm sure of it. It's all part of Rule 34.

What's Rule 34? It's very simple. If you can think of it, there's a porn of it out there. No matter what it is, there's some one out there jerking off to it. No matter how deranged or how cute or how asexual it may be, there's some sort of porn of it out there floating and someone is getting off on it.

But anyway, I'm deviating here on the main topic of marking your turf. There's people out there that are so insecure that they don't want their partner to masturbate because it may be considered cheating in some really stupid sort of mind set. I don't know how they justify it. I mean, unless your partner puts out every time you have that urge, you should more than anything have the right to take care of yourself in whatever means you need.

So what is the answer to that sticky situation? Well, I recently came across this online kit they sell that you can use to make your girlfriend a vibrator shaped exactly like your dick. I'm not fucking with you (I didn't mean that pun). You put your dick in a mold and it makes a perfect replica of your own wang.



I suppose if you back up your computer software, it's only nature to back up your other hardware... Then again, I'm sure this is very practical for trannies. I mean, if you were going to become a tranny and you used this tool to make a vibrator shaped like your own dick then you can go in for the snip snip and then for the rest of your life you can at least have a back up copy of your cock if you ever need it.. or if you want to fuck yourself with it. Which is totally strange and well, too much god damn information.

If anything, it'll at least make a great mold for that trophy you want to give out to your partner when they do a really good job in bed. "Here honey, you get the Gold Wang for your work on my knob the other night. I'm sure if it was a hitch you would have taken the chrome off it."



But again, this just is another example of marking your turf. You feel the need to make a plastic mold copy of your cock so that your partner can masturbate with just seems silly. It's like saying that you may not be up for the task if you're call from the bull pen. "No can do honey, I got a headache tonight. Why don't you go to the dresser draw and get my replacement." It's like you feel they're cheating on you if they use that jack rabbit vibrating purple dildo.

Face the facts, you're not doing the job for some reason and that should be grounds for them to take care of themselves. Have it be with a dildo that isn't shaped like your cock or with you looking at this month's Maxim magazine. Same difference.



The best self-love gone wrong story I have ever came across from was one that seemed like a horror story (well duh, right?) It was about how a teenage girl attempted to fist herself and got said fist stuck up her vagina while she was at her grandmother's house and had to get her grandmother's assistance. Now the story would have been legendary at that point in itself, but it got worse.

Grandma couldn't get the girls fist out of there and so grandma had to wrap the poor girl in a blanket and take her to the emergency room where the doctor was able to lube her up enough to get the hand out. It really does sound like a terrible Winnie the pooh cartoon. The lesson is pretty clear - Never start masturbating without an exit strategy, it's just common sense.

Don't believe me about that story? You can find it as well as other horror stories AT THIS LINK. Believe it or not, the internet is just proof that a lot of strange shit happens. Again, Rule 34.



Which brings us to the next field of marking your turf.. Not being able to be told no. See, I never really got the appeal of a ball gag. Mainly because I actually enjoy feedback during.. well, you know. Being vocal isn't a bad thing when it comes to being in the moment so I'm a little surprised that people really go for ball gags.

But if you're into that sort of bedroom play, you too can get your lover a personalized ball gag. I mean, think about it, you really don't want to have a shared sex toy. Yes, that's a big no-no. You never buy used items that are going to be used in the bed room. So any how, back to the ball gag. Yup, if you feel like you need to mark your turf and personalize a ball gag, you can get one with such a cute little image on it from this place.


Ha ha.. I just got you fired! Way to go in reading this at work..

How could you turn down such a product? Let's look at the description again;

Isn't this just the cutest gag you've seen? I think so and that's why I already have several of my own (I just couldn't decide on a color! *g*) In fact, this stuffed ballgag is so cute, I've decided to give it my own tag line - Gag Kisses! This gag is soft and flexible and very effective too. For biters, you can really bite down on this without hurting your jaw or the gag! For those with small mouths or jaw problems, the small is smaller than rubber ballgags, finally allowing you that great ballgag mouth stuffing look and feel. Small is just 1 1/2" in diameter, medium is 2" in diameter and large is 2 1/2" in diameter. Remember, these are somewhat "squishy", so you'll be able to fit more than you usually can in your mouth.

Yup, that's right.. you too can not harm your jaw with a cute little personalized image ball gag for your significant other..



Getting back to that whole "do not buy used bedroom things" I suppose the fine folks in Japan don't know this rule.. But on a side note, they do know good and plenty about that Rule 34.. You see, the fine folks in Japan have been known to buy used panties in vending machines. I know what you're thinking, is that actually true? It is.

You see girlish youth and innocence is considered sexy in Japan. It's a culture with a long history of regarding women more as sex toys than as people. This sexual kick of untouched adolescence results in even the women who are in their 30's clutching onto childish mannerisms as well as toys and gadgets that one would put on their cell phone if they were some teenager.



How does this get back to the subject of marking one's turf? Well, how could it not. It's very simple. The idea of buying these panties is to try to capture someone's innocence. Act as Christopher Columbus in discovering the new continent. When all he wanted to do was spice it up. Then again, Americans seem to value that innocence as well as you see many frat and college age guys bragging about taking someone's virginity. I never got that appeal. As if one should be praised for having bad sex.

So all these different methods in potentially marking your turf. Seems a little silly. Instead maybe one should focus on just having a good time without all the branding... which would be the ultimate in.. um... marking your turf. Just enjoy what you have while you have it. You never know when it could be gone. Like they say, here today, gone tomorrow. Then all you'll be left with is underwear that indicates you're still the property of your ex.

Getting Your Panties in a Wad

Getting Your Panties in a Wad

Ladies, I know I re-typed a really strange internet "How to" guide on giving head. And while it may seem like common sense to NOT pay attention to whatever I say, take that with a grain of salt as nothing more than a crime against keeping the internet alive and full of strange shit. This little guide, on the other hand, is a guide to making what you're going to be dropping on Vday a bit more humor filled. (Before it's filled with something else. Boooyah!)

Life is to short to not be laughed at. So here's some suggestion on panties you should go out and get for the big reveal on Sunday...



Why don't you want to support America and buy these USA made panties? Not only that, but you can advertise and reassure him that you know your stuff in the bed room. The only down side is that he may think that you're a slut. Laugh it off. If he gets hung up on that.. Just move on along, clearly he doesn't have a sense of humor.




Growing up I loved playing Ms. Pac-man and Space Invaders. And while Ms. Pac-man can't really be all that sexy, I mean how can a round yellow circle with a hair bun really be? Space Invaders on the other hand can be.

Just think of the fun had here. Shooting at those space invaders never got so messy!



Need to know how to drop those panties? There's an app for that..

These will be funny. At least it's honest where you need to run your fingers to unlock the iPhone in this situation.. Booooyah!



Eh, they're different. Besides, don't you want to be blogged about? Just be careful if that first one is worn by a religious one... You break it, you buy it.



Who doesn't want a girl who has a little nerd in them (and the panties haven't even been taken off yet!) This will touch any guy who was alive during the 80's. The classic NES controller. Now if only that contra code worked...



I'm no achievement whore. I dislike the whole idea that Xbox seems to run with. But I can enjoy the funny joke to this pair of panties. Now the real question is if you can get this achievement taken care of.



Oh the internet.. what will you think of next?



Same concept as the iPhone one. Clearly the app for this one is not being creative. Again, it's to the point in telling you what to do.



This is your chance to call the IT guy and ask what the default log in info is. Just remember, most of the times the default password is actually password.



And for the final one, it's not even panties. It's a shirt, but really. I had to chuckle at this design. I'm not sure if I know anyone bold enough to wear it outside.

So there you have it. Some strange clothing to turn on that nerd of yours. Though I would still read through that whole "how to suck a cock" guide. You know, so that the fun won't end when he sees your underwear..

Victoria's Secret: The College Years

Victoria's Secret: The College Years

For some odd reason, Victoria decided that selling sexy clothing wasn't enough. They had to market to the college students specifically. Why? Well, it's clear that college students need some extra incentive to buy their clothing line, right? What better way to do this than to pander to their college alliance

Victoria Secret's Pink is accepting school nominations for the next school they will add into their collection. I hope, by looking at the current list, that you agree with me that most of the schools that have a chance of winning are severely undeserving. Because of this, I feel that its necessary to get you to keep the Santa Cruz mascot up there by voting for it.



I firmly believe that The University of California Santa Cruz should win this competition.

UCSC's mascot is the banana slug (specifically, Ariolimax dolichophallus). In 1981, when the university began participating in NCAA intercollegiate sports, the then-chancellor and some student athletes declared the mascot to be the "sea lions." Most students disliked the new mascot and offered an alternative mascot, the banana slug. In 1986, students voted via referendum to declare the banana slug the official mascot of UCSC—a vote the chancellor refused to honor, arguing that only athletes should choose the mascot. When a poll of athletes showed that they, too, wanted to be "Slugs," the chancellor relented. A sea lion statue can still be seen in front of the Thimann Hall lecture building. In February, 2008 ESPN Sports Travel named the UCSC Banana Slug as one of the top ten best nicknames in college basketball. The "Fiat Slug" logo prominently featured on campus is a trademark of UCSC owned by the Regents. It was developed by two students during the mascot controversy, who later incorporated as "Oxford West" and licensed their design from the Regents to produce clothing inspired by the university.

I can't see a harder mascot to work with. How terrible is a cute looking Banana Slug sweater going to look like? Banana slug panties? It must be done. Not only that but the School has been featured in Pulp Fiction



The T-shirt that Jimmy gives to Vincent after they get hosed down bears the logo for the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. This is not a joke. The Banana slug really is the UCSC official mascot.

Just how before someone makes a "snail trail" panty joke from all this? Well, we can only find out if you vote for them. So go and vote now! If there's anything more that you need to sell you on voting, let this soak in, Banana slugs get stuck after mating and must chew off their penises in order to survive and I want a reminder of this in my significant other's lingerie

Currently the banana slug is ranked #1, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't vote for them. They have to win, don't they? What's even funnier is that USMC is up there ranked third. They must be really peeved that a bunch of hippies are kicking their butts. The School is Full of Hippies/Activist who go against the man/establishment/militaries/governments/etc. So it's pretty funny to see them beating them badly.



With the top 25 colleges getting into the collection, you just have to wonder what hilarious looking clothes will come from all this coming out in the next collection. Not only is it funny enough that Victoria Secret will have to go out and try to design some sweater with a cute Banana Slug on it, but I really can't think of a better way to give a mascot such a high pedestal to be placed on.

I think the only other suitable odd school mascot would be The Evergreen State College Geoduck.


Now that will look good on a set of panties!