Springing Forward To a Steak and a Blow Job Back

Springing Forward To a Steak and a Blow Job Back

You feel that? You, my friend, just went ahead in time. All the way ONE HOUR into the future! Yes, that's right. Time travel is possible and you just did it. Then again, everyone else who practices the ancient religion of catering to the farmers and fucking around with their clocks. Arizona, you're actually pretty smart on this one. All without the need of going 88 mph.

So why do we do this dance with the clock? Well, there's a couple of reasons, of course. It's mainly for farmers to be able to wake up with the sun and get as much done in the day. Then there's the safety element. U.S. law enforcement found that during Daylight Savings Time violent crime was down 10-13%. Which only leads to the question as to why we don't encourage the changing of time year round to maximize day light for all evening hours?



While it remains true that car accidents go down during the summer/daylight saving time, it actually increases the amount of pedestrian accidents by 186%. I guess it's simply because there's more people doing late evening walking with all the added sunlight. Still, you're losing an hour of sleep. That in itself should get you pretty pissed.

Most people can find plenty of reasons why to hate George Bush. One of my favorite and least cited is the fact that he signed into law a bill that made it so daylight saving time went from the second week of March till November instead of April till October. It used to be that it was Easter Weekend that you lost that hour and Halloween we gained one, now where here a full three weeks earlier and I'm about to lose another hour of sleep. What the fuck, man. At least this day isn't a total loss. It is, after all, Guy Valentine's day.



You know that old saying of "what's good for the goose is good for the gander"? Well, if you recall that around this time last month there was a certain celebration for a decapitated Saint who married people by secret. It revolved around buying flowers, candies and cards for your significant other. Seeing as that most guys don't give a shit, nor even like flowers and cards and would rather have a steak than some candy, it means that men got the short end of the stick on that one.

The solution? Steak and Blow Job Day! Yes, that's right. It is Steak and Blow Job day.

Forget the cards, we don't need them. The only flowers we're interested in is two-lips. No special night on the town with expensive pre-fixed menus. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just like snakes on a plane, this is snake in your mouth. This is the Ying to Valentine's Yang and oddly enough it's all about wang.. (I'm on a roll!)



How can you really go wrong with this holiday anyway? It's two things that will make a guy happy. A big portion of steak and someone to suck their dick. What more can you ask for? But.. How could I even suggest such a misogynistic thing?!?! Look, we took one for the team last month, now it's your turn to take one. It's not like guys are jumping for joy to shower you with those things that are forced upon by Valentine's Day.

Oh, what about chivalry? Don't get me wrong, while I generally think that the women's rights movement justifiably did away with Chivalry, I don't think it's dead... you'd be surprised how much chivalry will result from proper blow jobs. Believe you me, suck dick good enough and you'll get someone completely whipped on you.

Just think about it this way, how good do you want Valentine's to be next year? Impress him today and you may make a lasting impression so that he starts to think about making Valentine's day special for you next year.



Now listen guys, I know I'm standing up for the rights to get y0ur dick sucked, but let's not make this any harder (HA!) than it needs to be. You can do something to cut through any tension. How about making your sperm something that is actually desired to be eaten? Here's a couple of ways to change the way you taste;

1. Cut out alcohol, caffeine and nicotine from your diet
2. Drink lots of water to flush out the toxins.
3. Eat plenty of fruit a day to sweeten your sperm up.
(Pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples and grapes are all good choices. They're high in natural sugars and offset the bitter taste.
4. Eat plenty of vegetables.
Avoid vegetables from the cabbage family - Cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus
5. Cut back on red meat consumption - It'll make your man juice be salty. Cheese and milk can also have this effect.
6. Avoid heavy spices like garlic and onions - high sulfur content.
7. Parsley, Wheatgrass and celery are particularly recommended for sweeter semen taste.
8 Cinnamon, cardamom, peppermint and lemon are particularly recommended for making semen taste sweeter.
9. Avoid junk food, they're loaded with chemicals and preservatives that pollute your body and your semen's taste.

Or you can just forget all that hard "lifestyle change" bullshit and probably get away with buying this SEMENEX product. Though if you thought buying your girlfriend tampons was awkward, it's going to look funny when you take that to the register. Now that would potentially sell them on the taste.. but what if they don't know HOW to give a blow job?

Step 1. Get a new girlfriend.

If you feel like you've invested enough time with this one you can check my old blogs around February where I posted some article I found going into big detail about how to suck cock. It was comical as all hell, but if you don't want to click a month back, then here's this handy Blow Job 101 guide to help you out.

But on a final note.. maybe EVERYDAY should be a day you enjoy a steak or a blow job. Much like I raged against the machine during Valentine's day... maybe if you need a specific day to get something as simple and as common as this, than perhaps your relationship is suffering more than you'd like to admit. Now.. moving on to warm pie....



And on another note, I have to say that it's not by chance that another special day happens today. March 14 is a huge nerd celebration. Mainly because if they're left out of the blow jobs, they got to celebrate something. In this case they do. 3/14 is 3.14 day.. which is Pi day! Yes, that's right. Not only is it Daylight saving time and Steak and Blowjob day, but it's also Pi day.

Yes, that Greek letter that stands for the ratios of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Pi is an irrational number.. so much like women, irrational.. I mean.. wait, what? Well, since it's an irrational number it can't be expressed as a fraction. That also means that its decimal representation never ends pr repeats forever and ever.

Here's the first few hundred digits of pi;

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164
062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253
594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659
334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936
072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903
600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173
819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298
336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931
767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371
787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219
608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328
160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378
387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823
537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989380952
5720106548586327886593615338182796

Yup.. that there is a lot 'o' numbers. So perhaps you should eat some Pie on this Pi day. Sure seems odd to write about farmers, blow jobs and steaks and Pi eating nerds all in the same blog post, but trust me - they all come together (BAZINGA!)



On a final note, this is also Albert Einstein's birthday. Look at that man. If he wasn't all about eating the pi than I don't know what to believe. I mean, look at his tongue!

Happy-Going BACK TO THE FUTURE-Steak and Blow Job-Pi-Albert Einstein's birth.. -DAY!

A Year Dried Up

A New Year - A Year of Good Eats

It's a few days into the new year and I think I've already got my new years resolution... well, not so much a resolution. I mean, what the hell does that mean anyway? People say they made a New Years resolution but in reality they just made an idea on how they could better improve themselves. Often times it's something entirely unattainable like losing weight or stop smoking. Chances are you'll be back on the buffet line or chain smoking within the month.

No, there's really nothing of a resolution in a new years resolution. I, on the other hand don't deal with those unattainable. Last year I had the idea that I would write in this blog at least once a day. It was a throw back to what I originally went towards in College after my dreams of being an artist met reality and I actually wanted to get paid. The more attainable goal, but yet equally struck down career path of being a journalist. So my goal in writing a blog a day was for me to easily write daily. Last look I had a little more than 500 blog post for the year.



I'm going to turn 30 this year. For some reason that scares me a little. Then again, I'm a guy and much like a fine wine, my aging will be graceful. So I shouldn't really have to worry. But it does mean that I'm done with my TWENTY-SOMETHINGS, and thus I should get a bit more things done... While I already know how to cook for myself and even worked for a short time in the kitchen while I went to college, I think the goal that I'm about to set for myself in the coming year is a bit difficult.

I want to make 2010 the year of Good Eats. I'm going to pull a Julia & Julie. For those of you who don't know, Julia & Julie was a film about some blogger chick who wanted to cook her way through Julia Child's Mastering the Art of the French Cooking. She did it while blogging her way through it. Writing what she learned about cooking and herself. She later cheated on her husband. I'm not sure if Julia Child had that recipe in there. I never came across a recipe for that... I mean, I sat through the movie and I enjoyed the parts that highlighted Julia Child. But not even my crush on Amy Adams could really pull me to care about the Julie or her blog.



So in an attempt to openly mock it, while being completely serious in bettering myself, I off handed suggested that I devote a year of my cooking life discovering all that Good Eats has to offer. Yes, Good Eats as in Alton Brown's Food Network show. While Alton Brown is no Julia Child, in interviews Alton Brown has stated that the origins of Good Eats was to be one part Mr. Wizard, one part Monty Python and one part Julia Child. So in many ways this is the modern day version of that already out of date Julia & Julie project. Besides, I love all three of those sources, so this will not only be an educational project, it'll be one that I enjoy.

While I'm pretty sure I've seen 70% of the 13 seasons of episodes he has done, there's a lot of areas where I'm out of my element that I think I will learn a lot out of it. Baking, for example, is something I have never been any good with. So there will be a lot to pick up along the way and a lot to fine tune on the already established knowledge going into this. Just think of how much one can learn from 212 episodes. While I'm not going to be cooking every day, it's still enough subjects to stretch it to the 365 days in the year that I would have to both view the episode and cook up something from it. Considering today is the 4th and I already got two checked off the list, that's not bad at all.



Oh, what's that? I already have two off the list? Yes. It seems that so far I have made Steak au Poivre. Which was featured in Good Eats episode Tender is the Lion. Though, maybe I shouldn't count that one as it was a hybrid recipe that I consulted my travel guru who has no reservations and former chef of New York's Les Halles, Anthony Bourdain. I followed Good Eats for the most part but Bourdain had his recipe for it online and well, I just had to mix in a few of those. Perhaps next year I'll make it a goal to spend a year traveling around like Bourdain does.

And the second one, I actually have pictures of. Seems I was a bit too busy in making sure everything was going smoothly with the au Poivre to take any photographic proof that it existed. Though I suppose the only proof that needs be is the tastiness of it in one's stomach. Even better it was Dry aged meat. Nothing taste better than a slab of meat that has had a good 30 days to sit around and get that fat to marbleize throughout the steak. Delicious stuff.


Stock photo of what it looked like.

A little fun fact about Tuna is that you should always buy Tuna in those flavor sealed pouches. It's very simple, in the canning process tuna can often taste over cooked. There's a reason for that. You need to boil cans after the canning process... which cooks the tuna yet again. Because the pouches are flatter, it doesn't take as long to preserve the contents from bacteria and you're getting a lot less over cooked tuna.

You should also get them with the water around it. No need for the sunflower oil or anything else fancier. Just remember to get your tuna from pouches and you're good to go. So the real question is what you can make with your canned... er.. pouched meats? So the outside the box Tuna recipe I tried was to make some Tuna Croquettes. How did I do it? I'm glad you asked!

TUNA CROQUETTE

Ingredients

• 1 (7-ounce) pouch albacore tuna, drained well and shredded by hand
• 2 green onions, chopped fine
• 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
• 2 large eggs, beaten
• 1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 3/4 cup panko bread crumbs, divided
• Olive oil, for sauteing

Directions

Place the tuna, onions, mustard, eggs, lemon juice, salt, pepper and 1/4 cup of the bread crumbs into a medium mixing bowl and stir to combine.

Divide the mixture into 8 rounds and set aside on a parchment lined half sheet pan. Allow to rest for 15 minutes. It's very important to let them sit for that amount of time so that the moisture could soak up in those panko bread crumbs.

From there you put more Panko bread crumbs into a plate and you dump the tuna balls into there and pat them down so that they can get breaded.

Then heat enough olive oil to cover the bottom of a 12-inch saute pan over medium heat until shimmering. Add the croquettes and cook 2 to 3 minutes on each side or until golden brown. Remove to a cooling rack set over a half sheet pan lined with paper towels. Allow to cool for 2 to 3 minutes before serving.

Let them sit for a while on a paper towel and then serve them up with some tartar sauce or various other sauces. It really wont matter because these were god damn delicious.



So I suppose this counts as the first.. or maybe the second.. shit, in the process of writing this blog post I already made scrambled eggs.. not just any scrambled eggs, the most fluffiest scrambled eggs I have ever eaten. So there you go, this is all about learning just a little more about myself and fine tuning all those culinary raw skills that I have in me making this year all about mastering the art of Good Eats.



So if you're keeping count, I've gone through three episodes of cooking;
Tender is the loin I, The Egg-Files, Pantry Raid VII: Tuna, Surprise!