Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

This is it, Marty! I finally discovered a way to go into the future without the use of terrorist supplied weapons grade plutonium.

Daylight saving time!

That's right. At exactly 2am we will be traveling back in time ONE FULL HOUR! Yes, that's right. Don't worry if you screw up asking that one girl out at the bar at 1:30am. It doesn't mean that your kids will never be born, it just means that you'll have the chance to do it all over again as the hour will repeat itself.



Wait. No. That's not how it works. I mean, yes.. we're forever on a time machine I like to call Earth that is stuck on a 1 minute into the future time travel but on this day and in April some time we like to fuck around with the time stream. Though you probably should keep a picture of loved ones to make sure they're not gone due to your clock forward and backward fuckery.

While many like to say FUCK FARMERS, I say.. well, they're not the only ones who like to partake in this time shift. It was pushed into being during World War I in an attempt to save energy for war production by using the sun's daylight during the summer months to get more productivity.



Then in World War II the federal government pushed for the states to observe the back and forth for more time productivity. They found that they had to use less energy when people just worked on when the sun was outside providing the light to see shit. When it was not war time it was optional to observe this festival practice of slave labor efficiency. But then in 1966 after the negros got their rights they decided to make time their slave and passed the Uniform Time Act. This government choice created strict standards to how daylight saving time worked.

Then you can thank G.W. Bush for signing into law the Energy Policy Act in 2005, which took into effect in 2007 that pushed the whole act of day light saving time to go from March onto November, when it previously started right before/around Easter and ended right before Halloween.



This act was to potentially save 10,000 barrels of oil each day through reduced use of power, but then again.. I think that's a bit of bullshit as we still use the oil. Instead of turning on the lights at night you turn them on in the morning. You use more to get up and ready. In the end, it's just a wash.

So who really benefits from all this? Well, in a sense, Television networks actually have a love hate relationship with it. Did you know that Daylight Savings Time can actually effect television ratings?



When spring comes around and we spring forward an hour making it so that we have more sun, people seem to actually want to do something with their time instead of going home and watching TV. Last spring when Idol came back after Daylight Savings Time it had record low ratings. Mainly due to the fact that people were outside

But now that it's Falling back and it's darker soon, people coming out of work will mean folks will just not bother going out. It's not an accident that every November ratings jump. With colder weather there's less incentive to do much else than go home and veg out in front of the television.



The main problem with falling back is that you don't have the excuse of being late because you actually had an extra hour to get there on time. On the plus side you get an extra hour of sleep. Consider it nature's way of pressing the snooze button for you and allowing you that extra hour to just be all nice and warm in your bed.

It's also the time when people start going on and on about changing the batteries in your smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, flash lights and sex toys.

Sonic Screw Driver

Sonic Screw Driver

It should come to no surprise to anyone that I am a nerd. Yes, I'll admit it. I'm a huge nerd. It's not like this is a shocking after all. I've already done a couple of post about Doctor Who with the premiere of the new season last month. And with that came new everything for the doctor... especially toys. Yes, if it was no surprise to see the reboot of the series in a sorts, it's easy to tell from the fact that there's a new Sonic Screw Driver and, well, I now have my own.

What's a sonic screw driver? and who would need one? Well, let's let the 9th Doctor answer that one.



Yes, it's the answer to any problem. A plot device for writers to both abuse and conveniently ignore when they need to. It can do it all. From make space whales throw up to pick a simple door... unless it was dead locked or something.

I was a pretty big fan of the 9th and 10th doctor's sonic screw driver. Enough so that I have my own pen that looks like it. Even writes inferred ink and junk. So what do I think of the new Sonic Screw Driver? I like it! It's neat, but it's a lot bigger than the past one. Yes, I enjoyed how compact the old one was, but there's something to be said with the new one that it actually looks like a prop you'd see on the show.



I've got now and I'm not sure what I will do with it. If the past sonic screw drivers are any indication, I'll just point it at things and make the noise sound effect. It wont do anything but it'll make me feel like I'm 5 years old again or something. Even if it's much bigger than the other screwdriver models, even the Master's Laser screwdriver, which I remember thinking was chunky looking at the time.

I did come up with a pretty good mix drink for Doctor Who. You go down to Sonic's and get an Orange Slush Float - Mix in some Vodka and you got yourself a Sonic Screw Driver. Make sure to put potato Vodka in it for that Scottish companion that is Amy and you got yourself some good times. It'll at least make Sonic's tolerable.. maybe.

Closed


Opened


And before you say it, I will. It does look a little bit too phallic, right? Well, I guess that would be true if your penis has four prongs that spring open at the end... Oh wait, doesn't everyone? Oh, don't act like Doctor Who is innocent. You're telling me you didn't giggle a little when you first heard the Doctor describe the Tardis?

"Oh Doctor, it feels soo much bigger on the inside!"

Though this isn't the first time Doctor Who gets a little sexual. I had a blog post about Amy being too sexy a bit back. But come on, can we take a moment and look back at Love & Monsters? What a terrible terrible episode. I think the basic premise was pretty good. Focusing on a fairly ordinary person/group who encounters the Doctor and tries to find out more about him over time, showing a different perspective on previous events, and eventually stumbling into trouble of their own that ends with them finally getting to meet the Doctor. That could make for a good episode.. but it didn't. And since it's been done already, it never will.

But that wasn't the worse part about it. No, the worst part was the paving-brick blowjobs. That thing I just said, let's call it a distant second place. I can honestly say that I never wanted or even thought about a blow job from a chunk of sidewalk. Just imagine Torchwood got a hold of this story....



Actually don't. Ever

I'm really really liking the 11th Doctor thus far, but I'm finding it absolutely hilarious how quickly Moffat is distancing himself from RTD's run if you over analyze the hell out of it.
- Amy can't remember anything that happened during RTD times
- Moffat run has 'one ship survives' which fucks over EVERYTHING to do with Journey's End wiping them out (Yes yes I know the Daleks will always be about as a nemsis)
- The Dalek spaceship doesn't recognise RTD Daleks as 'pure' Daleks.
- Moffat Daleks disintegrate RTD Daleks.

It may be a bit looking too deep into it, but it's funny if you take a moment and think about it. In fact, the only thing that seems to have stayed the same was the monsters that Moffat created. The Weeping angels are one hell of a scary monster for the Doctor to face. But it's not like we haven't seen them before.. Just look at this Weeping Cat...



This week we finally get the resolution of the Weeping Angels two parter. I'm not even going to touch River Song cause, well.. I'm not sure how I feel about her and the smug satisfaction she has when she says "Spoilers". I'm hoping that eventually she isn't so smug. I mean, their meetings are out of order, so perhaps the more she appears, the less she will know.

But for those looking for those "Spoilers!", just click the following youtube links for a preview of the next episode.







BRING OUT the comfy chairs! and let's get some new Doctor Who playing. Booyah!

In The Year 2000!

In The Year 2000!

Since Coco came through town on his Banned from Television tour this past weekend and the news broke that he will be going to TBS for his new show in November, I thought it would be a nice time to focus on one of his segments. Yes, I do believe it's time to look into the future - The Future?! -Yes, the future. All the way to the year 2000!



What's scary is that I remember watching Conan as a young teenager when all these predictions to the future were actually that, the future. Instead of them all being predictions to the past. But it's not for me to decide. You see, today I have the help of some German Chocolate company to help look all the way into the future... Into the year 2000!

So click on the image and you too will see what the world of 2000 has in store for us!

A Quick Stroll on the Water


What is water to say that we can't tame it and walk all over it. 90% of this planet is water after all. I'll be damned to hell before I give into not being able to walk it. Thankfully in the year 2000 we will all have the means to walk on that clear land we can drink.


The Moving Pavement


I think this is like escalators but with just slabs of floor. In the future we'll be so lazy we wont even want to walk places. Come on slab of concrete, take me places! I'm not sure what appeal this held for the people of the 1900's, but hey, whatever floats your concrete slab, peeps.

House-Moving by Train


I'm not even sure what's the point of this. To move whole city blocks to other cities blocks? I'm not sure exactly. Maybe this is just a grand scale version of mobile homes?

Televised Outside Broadcasting


Slap 3D on that sucker and it'll make millions more! That's what I say!


Personal Flying Machines


Oh please, don't let the future be filled with flying women! A driving one already killed my car. I don't want to see

Weather Control Machine


This one is odd. My limited German it has the label that says "Deutsche Kakao" (German cocoa). Is it spraying cocoa powder into the air? that would be utterly awesome.. and disturbing. I mean, I don't want to drown by chocolate. I'm not a woman, after all.

Combined Ship and Railway Locomotive


Why would you even need this? Do they think that it would actually work the way that they think it would? The folks in the1900's sure didn't realize how deep water was. This is like putting a plane on a boat.

Undersea Tourist Boats


Nothing better than being in a glass dome boat under water. Titanic was thought up by these fools.

Roofed Cities


Now, I'm not sure what the purpose of this is. I mean, don't you have the weather chocolate controller at your disposal? And where would those personal air planes land if the roof is there? Hmm, maybe this will be sort of roof top parking? Still seems silly. How will they light the place?

Personal Airships


No thank you. No need for these with the above mentioned roof cities.


Summer Holidays at the North Pole


What pussies will the people in the year 2000 be that they need to go to the North Pole when it's hot in their own area? besides, Santa's not even going to be there.

Police X-Ray Surveillance Machine


Something about this just seems voyeuristic. That cop isn't doing much about this crime in progress but watching. I'm not even sure how this even works out right. So the thing sees through walls and then what? Why couldn't they just use that projector television in the early shot?

And so you have it. That's your sneak peak into the world in the year 2000! Oh man, I can't wait for such a day!

Global Warming - Fuck It

Global Warming - Fuck It

A name you don't recognize nor probably ever even heard of before is James Lovelock. Who is he? Well, he's the guy that wrote Gaia theory and has been a big face in climate change prevention. So if anything you would think he would be a little concerned about the potential of global warming, right?

Nah, at this point he's saying Fuck it.

Lovelock: 'We can't save the planet'
Professor James Lovelock, the scientist who developed Gaia theory, has said it is too late to try and save the planet.

The man who achieved global fame for his theory that the whole earth is a single organism now believes that we can only hope that the earth will take care of itself in the face of completely unpredictable climate change.

Interviewed by Today presenter John Humphrys, videos of which you can see below, he said that while the earth's future was utterly uncertain, mankind was not aware it had "pulled the trigger" on global warming as it built its civilizations.

What is more, he predicts, the earth's climate will not conveniently comply with the models of modern climate scientists.

As the record winter cold testifies, he says, global temperatures move in "jerks and jumps", and we cannot confidently predict what the future holds.

Prof Lovelock does not pull his punches on the politicians and scientists who are set to gain from the idea that we can predict climate change and save the planet ourselves.

Scientists, he says, have moved from investigating nature as a vocation, to being caught in a career path where it makes sense to "fudge the data".

I can't say I'm all that surprised, really. I've sort of been expecting comments like this for a while now. People moving from "let's try and limit the impact", to "it's too late, fuck it". Especially after the huge failure of copenhagen. There appears to be more and more public skepticism towards Global warming. Especially in the UK after the email leaks from the UEA.



Add in that environmental policy has been totally eclipsed due to the recession. I've not seen any mention of climate change since the email leaks. As the feeling of inevitability catches on, is it correct to assume international cooperation's will also shrink, as nations try to protect their interests regardless of anything else.

"fuck it."

So there you have it. The official response by someone of Al Gore level importance to this movement. Who cares, You'll be dead in 60 or so years if you're of the age that you're reading this blog and nothing will matter. You may think that it's a pretty selfish mind set to have on the matter, but let's be realistic here - It's true.

Besides, most of you will be republicans shortly after you start your careers so you can join the rest who never really gave a shit anyway. We have to face the reality that we never had a chance. I mean, I appreciate that people tried and that's great, but let's be real here. Fuck it.



I mean, it's poor retards that caused it in the first place, they will be the ones dealing with the fact that they can't afford to live in the protection dome. I'll just be investing in AIG and Exxon, getting rich and raising my asshole kids to continue my shit legacy in this new and amazing water world.

You mean that capitalism... can't solve problems?! I'm shocked! I really don't think Loyelock holds much scientific sway, but I think the general shift in sentiment is interesting. Also he has been a trend setter, at least in the UK. According to a recent survey of Climate scientist with at least a PHD, 83.6% now agree with the statement "Duuuuude we are soooo fucked".

If the human race is worth preserving it will preserve itself. If humans actually aren't going to survive wouldn't the next step be attempting to create some sort of permanent record of our existence. You could fit most real important literature onto a decent sized hard drive along with basic pictorial guides to major languages and a bunch of historical records and photographs for whoever comes along next, though I guess they'd have to have some way to interface with it and I have no idea how to preserve such a thing. I think that's called a National Geographic box set.



On second thought, how about we just go out in style. Let the next douchebags figure out shit on their own. Once we start to build domed cities, none of this will matter anyways. There's one dude, Bueno-whatshisname, that has the statistical model that predicts stuff with over 90% accuracy saying we'll definitely fail to solve climate change because of how awful political systems are.

Don't be too sad, check out Life After People on Hulu and take comfort that long after we've stopped existing and destroying the planet, it'll live on and be a better place. The best part is when they press some biologist to predict what will evolve and he's like "Uh.. I don't know, I mean, that's not really a question science can ans--" then they cut to the film and he looks all flustered and he's like "well, I GUESS maybe there'd be uh... flying...cats?" then they cut to a CG sequence of gliding cats flaying between skyscrapers.



There was a pretty bad ass show called "The Future is Wild" that aired a few years ago that had all sorts of speculative future animals, it went pretty far into the future too, like 200 million years. I'm guessing it was by the same FX company and they just had a lot of footage left over.

The best ones was the Squibbon. These are descended from squid, which have successfully invaded the land. They are an arboreal species that live in simple structures built in the treetops, capitalizing on their natural dexterity and acute stereoscopic vision.

Find out more about this creature. Read the key facts>"

"Eats: Forest flish

Eaten by: Megasquid"

Ah yes, I know, The evolutionary consultant was Billy, age 5. I mean, I know 4/20 was a couple of days ago, but you should really get ripped as fuck and watch it. It's fucking hilarious. So yeah, that's Earth Day in a nut shell.

Springing Forward To a Steak and a Blow Job Back

Springing Forward To a Steak and a Blow Job Back

You feel that? You, my friend, just went ahead in time. All the way ONE HOUR into the future! Yes, that's right. Time travel is possible and you just did it. Then again, everyone else who practices the ancient religion of catering to the farmers and fucking around with their clocks. Arizona, you're actually pretty smart on this one. All without the need of going 88 mph.

So why do we do this dance with the clock? Well, there's a couple of reasons, of course. It's mainly for farmers to be able to wake up with the sun and get as much done in the day. Then there's the safety element. U.S. law enforcement found that during Daylight Savings Time violent crime was down 10-13%. Which only leads to the question as to why we don't encourage the changing of time year round to maximize day light for all evening hours?



While it remains true that car accidents go down during the summer/daylight saving time, it actually increases the amount of pedestrian accidents by 186%. I guess it's simply because there's more people doing late evening walking with all the added sunlight. Still, you're losing an hour of sleep. That in itself should get you pretty pissed.

Most people can find plenty of reasons why to hate George Bush. One of my favorite and least cited is the fact that he signed into law a bill that made it so daylight saving time went from the second week of March till November instead of April till October. It used to be that it was Easter Weekend that you lost that hour and Halloween we gained one, now where here a full three weeks earlier and I'm about to lose another hour of sleep. What the fuck, man. At least this day isn't a total loss. It is, after all, Guy Valentine's day.



You know that old saying of "what's good for the goose is good for the gander"? Well, if you recall that around this time last month there was a certain celebration for a decapitated Saint who married people by secret. It revolved around buying flowers, candies and cards for your significant other. Seeing as that most guys don't give a shit, nor even like flowers and cards and would rather have a steak than some candy, it means that men got the short end of the stick on that one.

The solution? Steak and Blow Job Day! Yes, that's right. It is Steak and Blow Job day.

Forget the cards, we don't need them. The only flowers we're interested in is two-lips. No special night on the town with expensive pre-fixed menus. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just like snakes on a plane, this is snake in your mouth. This is the Ying to Valentine's Yang and oddly enough it's all about wang.. (I'm on a roll!)



How can you really go wrong with this holiday anyway? It's two things that will make a guy happy. A big portion of steak and someone to suck their dick. What more can you ask for? But.. How could I even suggest such a misogynistic thing?!?! Look, we took one for the team last month, now it's your turn to take one. It's not like guys are jumping for joy to shower you with those things that are forced upon by Valentine's Day.

Oh, what about chivalry? Don't get me wrong, while I generally think that the women's rights movement justifiably did away with Chivalry, I don't think it's dead... you'd be surprised how much chivalry will result from proper blow jobs. Believe you me, suck dick good enough and you'll get someone completely whipped on you.

Just think about it this way, how good do you want Valentine's to be next year? Impress him today and you may make a lasting impression so that he starts to think about making Valentine's day special for you next year.



Now listen guys, I know I'm standing up for the rights to get y0ur dick sucked, but let's not make this any harder (HA!) than it needs to be. You can do something to cut through any tension. How about making your sperm something that is actually desired to be eaten? Here's a couple of ways to change the way you taste;

1. Cut out alcohol, caffeine and nicotine from your diet
2. Drink lots of water to flush out the toxins.
3. Eat plenty of fruit a day to sweeten your sperm up.
(Pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples and grapes are all good choices. They're high in natural sugars and offset the bitter taste.
4. Eat plenty of vegetables.
Avoid vegetables from the cabbage family - Cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus
5. Cut back on red meat consumption - It'll make your man juice be salty. Cheese and milk can also have this effect.
6. Avoid heavy spices like garlic and onions - high sulfur content.
7. Parsley, Wheatgrass and celery are particularly recommended for sweeter semen taste.
8 Cinnamon, cardamom, peppermint and lemon are particularly recommended for making semen taste sweeter.
9. Avoid junk food, they're loaded with chemicals and preservatives that pollute your body and your semen's taste.

Or you can just forget all that hard "lifestyle change" bullshit and probably get away with buying this SEMENEX product. Though if you thought buying your girlfriend tampons was awkward, it's going to look funny when you take that to the register. Now that would potentially sell them on the taste.. but what if they don't know HOW to give a blow job?

Step 1. Get a new girlfriend.

If you feel like you've invested enough time with this one you can check my old blogs around February where I posted some article I found going into big detail about how to suck cock. It was comical as all hell, but if you don't want to click a month back, then here's this handy Blow Job 101 guide to help you out.

But on a final note.. maybe EVERYDAY should be a day you enjoy a steak or a blow job. Much like I raged against the machine during Valentine's day... maybe if you need a specific day to get something as simple and as common as this, than perhaps your relationship is suffering more than you'd like to admit. Now.. moving on to warm pie....



And on another note, I have to say that it's not by chance that another special day happens today. March 14 is a huge nerd celebration. Mainly because if they're left out of the blow jobs, they got to celebrate something. In this case they do. 3/14 is 3.14 day.. which is Pi day! Yes, that's right. Not only is it Daylight saving time and Steak and Blowjob day, but it's also Pi day.

Yes, that Greek letter that stands for the ratios of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Pi is an irrational number.. so much like women, irrational.. I mean.. wait, what? Well, since it's an irrational number it can't be expressed as a fraction. That also means that its decimal representation never ends pr repeats forever and ever.

Here's the first few hundred digits of pi;

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164
062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253
594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659
334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936
072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903
600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173
819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298
336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931
767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371
787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219
608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328
160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378
387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823
537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989380952
5720106548586327886593615338182796

Yup.. that there is a lot 'o' numbers. So perhaps you should eat some Pie on this Pi day. Sure seems odd to write about farmers, blow jobs and steaks and Pi eating nerds all in the same blog post, but trust me - they all come together (BAZINGA!)



On a final note, this is also Albert Einstein's birthday. Look at that man. If he wasn't all about eating the pi than I don't know what to believe. I mean, look at his tongue!

Happy-Going BACK TO THE FUTURE-Steak and Blow Job-Pi-Albert Einstein's birth.. -DAY!