West of the Rockies...

If you never wandered the word of the AM dial on your radio late at night, then you have no idea who Art Bell is and what Coast to Coast is. I'm not sure if you're the luckiest or the most deprived person alive.Coast 2 Coast is a nationally syndicated radio talk show on your local AM dial (KFI 640 for us L.A. folk) That is your one stop shop for wierd shit. The show is made up of callers that provide all the insane entertainment one can want from a train wreck. You have your crazy conspiracy theories, truckers who are convinced that aliens have buzzed their trucks, underground reptilians, war between vampires and angels, ghost, spirits and unfortunately a bit of the new agey bullshit that becomes a little annoying.

It's hosted by three people. Two of which I couldn't give much crap about. Art Bell is the original host and has pretty much retired from the show, but comes back to host the Halloween (Ghost to Ghost) and New Years editions of the show which is an open lines prediction. All of which are utterly batshit, talking about how aliens are going to finally reveal themselves this year or that Mecca is going to get nuked by the evil syndicate running the world or how Reptilians are finally going to come out of Mel's hole.

Suffice to say, it's pretty entertaining. The shows could be found here for streaming purposes First Show and second New Years Eve show. And while I know that we are already a good month into this new and amazing year, I figured it would be nice to pick out the cream of the crop and comment on some of these.

Predictions for 2008 made by the callers of Coast 2 Coast.

The 2007 WD5 asteroid will hit Mars, and the remnants of an ancient civilization will be revealed.

Sadly, that same asteroid will also destroy any remnants of said ancient civilization.

A helicopter will crash into a non-residential building (medical or business), stated Yvonne from New York.

Will a Plane crashing into cow crap Corona count?

Max suggested that the Dow will drop to below 11,000.

A prediction that the U.S. economy wont be great? Woah there Max, you're going out on a limb with that prediction...

Bill in Salinas believes that 'Bugs' will resurface and lead researchers to the remains of buried Bigfoot.

It'll be funny if it's found in a shallow grave right outside of Vegas. Cause lord knows that's where I go to bury a body.

The dollar will tank in the second week of March, and will be dumped worldwide, declared Bob from Arkansas.

Good thing I already converted my savings into Disney Dollars to prepare for this prediction.

And for the first time Art Bell, himself, made a prediction--Al Gore will jump into the race at the last moment in hopes of being drafted.

And I thought that after years of hosting the show, Art Bell would be crazy enough to back up Ron Paul. Color me surprised.

New Orleans will encounter problems with violence, when the NBA All-Star game comes to town.

I'm sure the flood washed away all the trouble makers. You have nothing to worry about.



After two more box office flops, Tom Cruise will renounce Scientology and become a born-again Christian, claimed Joey in Pahrump.

Isn't that cute, the utterly insane talking about the batshit insane.

A new, almost unlimited, source of water will be found in the Southwest US, near volcanic mountains.

Forget water, find me a good bar to find a drink at in the Southwest. Especially one without crappy tex-mex!

There will be no hurricanes over North America in '08, said Tim in Texas

After living a year in Florida, I have to say this is like saying there wont be any red necks at Nascar events this year.

A steam roller accident in Charleston, SC will take many lives

KILLDOZER!!!!!

Nick said the US and the international community will end up boycotting the '08 Olympics because of actions by China.

When its discovered that they laced the Olympic torch with lead.

Dan in San Francisco foresees Osama Bin Laden calling for an end to the jihad and uniting the world's religions.

My prediction is that San Francisco is filled with too many hippies.

Northern California will have an earthquake over 9.0 in April, according to Neil.

I can only hope this one happens. Us in Southern California only needed our upper half for a steady supply of water and wine. If sacrificing that is needed to get rid of dope head hippies like Dan, I'm all for it.

Mothman incidents will return to PA area, starting on July 4th.

Get Richard Gere on the phone. I smell sequel! It's Mothman Profacies meets Oliver Stone!

Food prices will replace oil prices in news headlines.

GET ME A WHOPPER RIGHT NOW!

Mark in Denver sees Bush revealing the next generation of stealth fighter, which will end up being the Black Triangles UFOs.

He'll have no time do to such a thing, what with his focus on printing endless amounts of dollars to give to the people in the form of checks.

There will be a lot more school shootings.

Thanks.. that's detailed of a prediction. I knew the callers were insane. It seems they're also insanely vague.

Marty in California predicts a UFO being downed in the Lake Tahoe area and seen by many witnesses.

I predict that Marty will be too drunk during his trip to Lake Tahoe that UFOs are the least of what he'll be seeing.

An undisputed unified field theory will take humanity into space, said Michael.

And a brightly colored two chambered bong will take Michael to the next level of awesomeness.

Beth in Youngstown warned of a big disease coming from crows.

Someones played way too much Resident Evil.

There will be a series of three earthquakes in Hawaii-- 8.6, 7.2 and 6.3, probably in March, said Darren.

Not one or two but THREE? Damn, someone must not have liked their honeymoon.

Lightning will become sentient and attack people.

Wait.. what?

All this shows nothing but proof that Coast 2 Coast is full of insane callers. All of which are willing to let loose their insanity onto the world through ham radios and AM tuned radios. I am a little surprised that there was so few Alien related predictions. Usually you have a lot more loonies calling in about them. If you ever want to feel sane and normal late at night, tune your radio to Coast 2 Coast. You'll more than likely listen to some crazy idea that Reptilians are secretly integratng into society from Mel's hole in hopes to over throw the human hierarchy. All before the latest grey's abductee discusses how he sort of enjoyed the whole anal probe. And if this stuff doesn't phase you, you've listened to too much Coast 2 Coast.

American Gladiators: Who Needs Writers When You've Got Muscles?

When you think of America I'm sure the first thing you think about is Ford Trucks, Apple Pie and the underdog overcoming great odds and come out ontop. So it's not a surprise that American Gladiators came about. American Gladiators was a subtly patriotic show about amateur athletes going head to head with professional "Gladiators" in a series of grueling events. After going on a short twelve year hiatus for a few production meetings and the construction of a new set, the series is now back on the air. How does the new American Gladiators stack up against the original from the early 90's?

Then: Aired during Operation: Desert Storm, a justified invasion of Iraq that was backed by a majority of the American public. Although we pulled our troops out of the country rather quickly and left Saddam Hussein in power, the war was considered a success.

Now: Will air at the height of the writer's guild strike.

Then: Pumped full of steroids, scooped up from a beach side gym in California.

Now: Pumped full of steroids and botox, scooped up from reality shows audition rooms and gay porn sound stages in the valley.

Then: Mike Adamle, the greasy creep that pestered female competitors with his constant leering and unnecessary physical contact during interviews resulting in five settlements.

Larry Csonka, the retired football player who felt the need to reference his accomplishments in the NFL at every opportunity.

Now: Hulk Hogan, the greased-up freak will confuse female competitors by referring to them as "dude" and "brother" during interviews.

Laila Ali, the retired boxer who will feel the need to reference her father's accomplishments at every opportunity.

Then: Tourist families taking a rest from the blazing sun during their trip to Universal Studios, clad in Zubaz and neon T&C Surf Design shirts.

Now: Tourist visiting L.A.tempted off the streets of Culver City with the offer of free granola bars and water bottles and a chance to get out of the So Cal heat. In exchange they only have to constantly cheer on cue and get the chance to see regular joes get pounded by females that look like this

Then: As a Gladiator mans a giant air cannon that launches tennis balls at 100 miles per hour, the challenger must navigate an obstacle course and shoot a target above the Gladiator's head with one of several Nerf guns without getting pegged by a tennis ball.

Now: Realizing the event's obvious influence on the Columbine and Virginia Tech shootings, it has been changed to include a two minute moment of silence half way through the event. During this time, the challenger that can go the longest without blinking or laughing gets five points at which point he gets pelted with those 100 mph tennis balls.

Then: Using padded jousting poles, a Gladiator and challenger attempt to knock each other off raised platforms to the safety mats far below.

Now: Taking a page from Survivor, the Gladiator and challenger share a tiny platform above a pool of water. The two put their senses of balance to the test as they stand still for hours. The first to fall in the water wins. This event takes up 40 minutes of air time per episode.

Then: The challengers and Gladiators step inside large metallic spheres that resemble hamster wheels and smash into each other. Challengers score points by stopping on marked capture points.

Now: Gladiators and challengers put on blindfolds and enter a small closet, where they punch and kick one another wildly. Points are awarded arbitrarily.

Then: Two challengers race to the top of a rock-climbing wall as Gladiators attempt to pull them off.

Now: Challengers and Gladiators team up to pull Mexicans off of a replica U.S./Mexico border fence as they scramble for a better life.

Then: Gladiators don protective gear and shields, then stand atop a raised platform as challengers attempt to knock them off by swinging into them with a rope.

Now: Three judges - one snarky, one female and one "cool" - rate the challengers' interpretive dances and puppetry skills.

Then: The points collected in the previous events don't count for anything more than a couple of seconds head start. The final event of every show, both challengers race to complete a brutal gauntlet of challenges and emerge the victor.

Now: Challengers are released in a section of L.A. that was devastated by a 1997 earthquake. Here they must elude a series of Gladiators armed with unique gadgets such as flamethrowers and jetpacks as they attempt to hunt down and kill the challengers in front of a bloodthirsty nation of mindless viewers, much like The Running Man. Just like that, the winner of the event becomes Governor of California.

In the end it's pretty simple. American Gladiators is a show that is brought to you for some senseless violence. It's slightly under the level of Battle Royale and slightly above American Idol when it comes to actual talent and skill. In fact, I would like to see this season of American Idol include some sort of events seen on Gladiators. It would at least make it more interesting to light, that's for sure. With all the scripted shows running on their last runs of new episodes before you have no new episodes to show, this is a good move by NBC to at least keep an audience. When your show has some large Aryan race super soldier who can crush most men with her hand, why wouldn't you watch? Why hey.. I think it may be on right now...

52 of the Stupidest Things I Did in 2007

I do a lot of stupid things. I'm not sure if I'm just a stupid person, or if there is something wrong with my brain, perhaps due to an early injury, like when I fell off that pony at the state fair. Maybe I don't know if I am stupid because I am too stupid to realize it. Oh man now my head hurts.

Regardless of the reasons, I have done a record-breaking number of stupid things this year, and before we can dig the shallow grave for 2007 and move on to riding 2008 for all its worth, I'd like to do a recap of my bloopers. You may wonder why I would want to display these embarrassing facts for thousands of people to laugh at... Ok, for the one or two of you that reads these to laugh at, I'm not sure why either. I just like to do things and think about them later. Right now it feels like ants are eating my brain. Since there's 52 weeks in a year we might as well just settle for one stupid thing done for every week.

1. Made the off hand remark "You know, you guys should get paid more" to a writer a day before the new contract was going to get signed.

2. Invested heavily in China's natural resources, specifically lead.

3. Suggested that Friday Night Lights be shown on Friday night. Whoops!

4. Funneled my 401k investments into an Internet Texas Hold'em gambling pot.

5. Left my heart in San Fransisco in the same back alley in Chinatown that I previous left my kidney, right lung and spleen.

6. Watched all 24 hours of "The Christmas Story" on TBS and suffered a major brain hemorrhage.

7. Became addicted to wine. It's ok though, unlike liquor, if you're constantly drinking wine you're considered "upscale" or "refined" and never simply just "a drunk."

8. Used quotation marks in a lot of places they didn't really need to be in.

9. Made 10,000 "Roctober" shirts that are now sitting next to my Dodgers NL West Champions shirts.

10. Tried to bring back parachute pants but ended up getting into a dance off with MC Hammer. Needless to say, he got served.

11. Made a reference to 2004's "You Got Served" in a joke.

12. Bought and consumed a pickled pig's foot from the old jar at the corner store and saw God. God told me not to eat any more pickled pigs' feet but I did anyway.

13. Showed up to a Tori Amos concert wearing a Dethklok shirt.

14. Started a guinea pig farm but went bankrupt after discovering that guinea pigs provided no valuable resources.

15. Tried to kiss a real girl on a consensual date but ended up causing a major forest fire.

16. Green lit the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.

17. Went on a two month road trip but spent all the time stuck on the 405.

18. Ate fresh sushi in Long Beach...at the Aquarium of the Pacific

19. Ranch dressing diet.

20. Bought guitar hero because I heard chicks dig dudes who play guitars.

21. Saw Resident Evil.

22. Opened a water slide park in Malibu that turned into a mud slide park.

23. Pitched the idea of a Gobots movie to Paramount only to find out my meeting was scheduled right after Michael Bay's.

24. Two words: Nigerian investment.

25. Signed up for eHarmony.com and pretended to be a wholesome and honest person, but once I had a mate snared I showed my true self and beat her daily with electrical cord until she learned karate and kicked me down an elevator shaft. (Coming soon on Lifetime)

26. Lost another loan to Ditech.

27. Cloned 5 versions of myself to split the rent but they ended up forming a Christian speed metal band.

28. Faked the funk on a nasty dunk.

29. With talks of the dollar losing value, converted all my savings into Disney dollars.

30. Asked Kiefer if he wanted me to grab another round of drinks before he had to hit the road.

31. Faked my own death to get out of work for a week but at the funeral my boss noticed I was alive when he saw me configuring my iPod in the casket.

32. Tried to juggle 4 cups of boiling hot coffee and spilled them on my face, horribly scarring me for life, starting my descent into madness and becoming the Gotham's most devious super villain.

33. Made sweet love to a beehive and forgot to call the next day.

34. Got really drunk and kicked a winning field goal in overtime, but for the opposite team.

35. Got really drunk and wrote the pilot to Cavemen. In my defense, it was either that or write an hour long E-insurance show staring Erin Insurance.

36. Got really drunk and ate at Arby's.

37. Went to visit my grandmother at her retirement home and realized too late that I was wearing the following shirt;

38. Downloaded popular music without paying money, thereby helping cause artists like Usher to starve to death.

39. Updated my MySpace.

40. Abstained from sexual relations to get closer to Jesus. When he rejected my advances I went on a binge of coke and hookers.

41. Adopted some Cambodian babies for the tax write-off but lost them at Home Depot.

42. Went to a Star Wars Convention and like so many other nerds, made the silly comment of "That's no moon!" when I saw a giant death star in the middle of the floor.

43. Ignored all advice and calmly walked, not ran, through the jungle.

44. Finally decided to put that corn baller to use. Only to end up suffering the same fate the Bluth family had to deal with. Doctors say the scars will never heal.

45. Tried to grow a Gandalf beard and realized I just end up looking like Castro with facial hair.

46. Ran out of time and accidentally cut the red wire...

47. Passed an e-mail fwd on and had extremely good luck in life, was given Bill Gate's money and created world peace but had all that taken away when the fowarded e-mails never got past folk's spam filters.

48. Got into a political discussion and didn't laugh when Ron Paul was brought up.

49. Deep fried a hot pocket.

50. Did not apply directly to the forehead and caused a bad rash.

51. Made it to the red door but forgot the wizard key.

52. Made a list of the 52 stupidest things I did in 2007

As you can see, 2007 was a year that I constantly told myself that I made a huge mistake. With any luck and the fact that 2008 contains 366 days, I'm sure I'll be making a lot more stupid mistakes than any normal civilized person. I'm sure I'll be post marking my checks March 1st a day too early for example even though I just mentioned February's extra day. So hope you enjoyed this comical rant of my downfalls of 2007. Happy New Year. I'm sure I can say that for another two weeks or so. Hell, if you're Chinese, I can get away with telling you it till February.

Year Ending Media Circle Jerking Time

If there's a single most valuable commodity in the entertainment industry is positive hype. You could film 22 minutes of an old man sleeping in a recliner and still make a smash hit TV series if your commercials are good and you get some critics to rave about it. The secret of this is that positive hype is actually reciprocal. A critic who raves about NBC's new sleeper comedy hit "Immobile Box Full of Crayons" will actually receive publicity just by getting quoted in TV and print promos. Do it enough and he'll find himself getting asked to make guest appearances on morning news shows, drooling incoherently over the latest incoherent drool to come out of Burbank. Before he knows it this will lead to having a job writing script treatments for one of the network sweatshops.

It isn't just TV either; the music, movie and especially gaming industry all survive and prosper in part thanks to the efforts and adoration of the press. So I figure I better get in on this dog and pony show. For far too long I remained aloof from this sort of rat race. I've decided instead to tear down all of the things that I wasn't talented - or whatever the opposite of lazy is - enough to accomplish myself. That era is coming to an end. I'm hitching my wagon for that wild ride to super stardom and I intend to spend the entirety of this update heaping praise on everything from Danny Bonaduce to Hannah Montana.

Since I've been neglecting these duties for so long, I hereby authorize any media outlet to apply the quotes in this article to their movie, music, book, game, or TV show. I will leave them intentionally vague so they should suit your purposes well. The only distinction I will make is to separate them by the type of media they should apply to. Don't worry! If you find a quote in the TV section that you would like to use on the jacket of an Oprah book club novel about a transvestite surviving breast cancer, feel free. I aim to please.

Movies

"[Film Title] is a tour de force unparalleled in our time. Even eight thousand years from now the hyper-evolved future humans will look back on [Film Title] and wonder how their primitive forebears created such a masterwork."

"It's a good thing tickets to this movie are only nine bucks where I live, because I would be willing to kill children indiscriminately just to see the first ten minutes again."

"Emotionally wrenching, haunting, and hilarious. Watching this movie is like living the entirety of your life, only with more stunning CGI effects and the incomparable Ben Affleck."

"The ultimate date movie! This film doesn't just get you laid; it actually makes tender love to you on the sticky floor of the theater."

"A triumph of the human spirit over our robotic oppressors."

"Will Smith is the greatest action hero alive today. His intricately crafted "Aw Hell Naw" takes a keen mind to unravel, and you will be thrilled the whole way!"

"[Director's Name] has done it again with [Film Title]. I haven't loved the medium this much since I mistook a pile of film reels in a dark projection room for a coiled prostitute."

"[Film Title] helped me realize why America is so great and the terrorists will never win. They just hate us for our freedom."

"Many simpletons would mistake [Film Title] for more elitist art house crap that makes about as much sense as installing break lights on a bowling ball, but the truth is it's a journey of the imagination through a surreal dreamscape that speaks directly to the existential soul that unites us all in our collective triumphs and tribulations."

"Who knew that Ed Asner had the voice of a songbird?! Newsflash: he does, and it's a falsetto that will make you weak in the joints."

Books

"Forget oxygen, forget water, [Book Title] is all you'll need to survive this year."

"[Book Title] is the best historical fiction about Abraham Lincoln killing Julius Caesar that I have ever read. It's even better than 'Ides of the South: How Lincoln Burned Rome'."

"A clone made from the recombinant DNA of William Shakespeare and James Joyce could not write a more thought provoking book on maintenance of the Toyota Camry 95-99 than [Author's Name]."

"[Author's Name]'s witty observations serve the more serious tone of the rest of the material quite well and help to keep the reader riveted to the page-turning studies of blood diseases in livestock."

"I never knew just how much [Loose Political Alliance] hated America until [Author's Name] managed to clear things up with several anecdotes, a few facts taken out of context, and thousands of baseless accusations. The most amazing part was all of the exhaustive research that the author selectively quoted to emphasize the correctness of his viewpoint."

TV Shows

"If you have one ounce of love for the smash hit series 'Fish Police' in your marrow, then you'll share my adoration for [Show Title]."

"Get ready to ice up your funny bone, because [Show Title] is going to give it a serious workout! Who could have guessed that real life crime scene photos could be so hilarious?"

"[Network Name] has a hit on their hands with [Show Title]. This original and biting commentary on the social interactions of three male and three female friends is sure to leave America in the best kind of stitches. My favorite character is [ditzy blond], will her antics ever cease?!"

"[Show Title] proves that reality TV still has some life left in it. I was amazed with the attention to detail during the Revolutionary War segment where they were forced to drink vintage British tea out of a boiled hog uterus."

"[Show Title] is an engrossing drama of a genius and complexity not seen since Fox's powerhouse programming duo 'Farts Across America' and 'Ass Helicopter'."

"[Lead Actress] makes a stunning debut as the titular character in [Show Title]. It's heartwarming to know that a sassy and incredibly attractive single mom with a mysteriously huge apartment and vague parental duties can still get by in this crazy workaday world we live in."

Music

"I enjoy listening to songs about things that happen to people that wear cowboy hats and [Yokel's Album Title] is an example of the best the genre has to offer. Packed to the ten-gallon brim with twangy homespun tales told in halting song form, this compilation of greatest hits is just what the only doctor in town ordered."

"In the overcrowded genre of barely-legal gyrating female pop stars who sing childishly about their shallow relationships, [Artist's Name] really distinguishes herself by wearing the shortest and tightest hot pants in the industry."

"Hip-hop has a new hero, and his name is [Artist's Name]! With unassailable street cred and more ice on his body than a Cro-Magnon man frozen in a glacier [Artist's Name]'s new album [Album Title] is sure to please."

"Whoever claims rock is dead hasn't listened to [Album Title], the latest release from numetal thrashers [Artist's Name]. This blazing mix of techno, rap, and rock fuses Baltimora with Biz Markie and proves that their styles should have been married long ago."

Video Games

"I have not ejaculated this much playing a game since an Operation Wolf stand up overturned onto my groin."

"The [latest graphical buzz feature] in this game is so intense that it not only rendered me sterile, it rendered my unborn grandchildren sterile."

"[Game Title] combines the best elements of 'Pool of Radiance' and 'Ken's Labyrinth' to create a game that's much more than the sum of its parts. Think 'Lara Croft's Populous II'."

"This series continues to deliver and the intense action will leave you out of breath. This ain't your grand pappy's Kasparov Teaches Chess."

"[Developer] can do no wrong in my book, but [Game Title] exceeds even my great expectations. The CD smells like delicious donuts and just viewing the autorun caused shivers of ecstasy to race up and down my spine. The installation was pure bliss and my first five minutes of actually playing [Game Title] forced me to lie down lest I be overcome by a case of the vapors."

My obligations to the entertainment industry fulfilled for the year, I will once again be returning to my normal cynical content. Look forward to more pointless rambling in the year to come!

This Holy Night We Flood the World with Bees!

It’s Christmas Day! Did you enjoy unwrapping your gift cards today? How about all that Ham..... Tamales, have you’ve had your fill already? What to do now. You could spend the time with your family or you could flip them the bird and go to the movies and watch Alien vs Predator or something equally as bad. It will more than likely be the only thing open where english is the primary language anyway. But why throw away money on a movie ticket and some popcorn when there is much larger things you could do to make you feel like a better person and help change the lives around the world. I speak of course of donating to chariety. It helps you sleep easy at night. Especially when you realize how large your carbon footprint actually is.

So it’s time to start your charity motors up, people. I know you’re busy sucking down sugarplums and unwrapping nostril groomers (hint hint) from your girlfriend, but I’d like you to take a moment out of your holiday routine to remind you of something more important: all over the world, people are dying miserably because of your greed. Right now, even as you’re reading this, some child with a giant head and what seems like an abnormal number of ribs is far along in the process of dying of poorness. You know that Battlestar Galactica bathrobe you bought for your brother? If you had used just one tenth of that money to buy this little third-world moppet a salt lick or a couple fingers of gruel, he’d be not dying right at this instant.

Sorry if I’m bumming you out, but I have good news: with just a small contribution, you can help! Well, you can’t help the kid from the previous paragraph. That kid is dead now, so forget about him. He died because you were reading a website on the internet instead of sending him money. That’s fine, though. There are plenty more dying people to help, so let’s get on with it before-- oh, whoops, another one just died.

This Christmas, I want you to give ’til it hurts. I want to give ’til it’s covered with painful welts, in fact. I’d want to keep giving until its throat swells shut due to anaphylactic shock.

You may have heard of Heifer International, a charitable organization that improves the lives of poor people around the world by giving them goats and cows and stuff, which they can milk or eat or cut open and crawl inside of for warmth. One of their many animal-charity drives involves setting up bee colonies, which seems like the perfect project to throw your money at.

Why Give Bees?

The beauty of donating bees is that it works whether you’re good or evil. There are two ways to look at it:

A) You are paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the magic of pollination.

B) You are paying $30 to prank the fuck out of some poor people by foisting a swarm of angry bees on them.

Bee-giving is good for the world, but you can feel like an asshole while doing it. In fact, you can feel like a supervillain. Each $30 bee contribution buys 12,500 bees (I actually called and checked), which means that the combined weight of this charity option could potentially flood the developing world with millions of bees. On this holiest of nights, we shall darken the skies of the world’s poorest nations with deadly swarms of nature’s perfect killing machine.

How Give Bees?

To participate in our charity bee drive, just follow these easy steps:

1. Visit this page to order bees directly from Heifer International.

2. Click "Add to Cart" and proceed to checkout.

3. After you enter your info, you’ll see an "Additional Information" area. In the second dropdown menu, select "Other Organization," then enter "Something Awful" in the text field below it.

4. Say if you’ve donated! Post a comments to me that you’ve donated. The Bee number will be tallied up to better track the level of this insane global villainy.

Let’s forever end poverty everywhere in the world through the miraculous power of bees! Or, if you’re evil, let’s cause thousands of potentially fatal bee stings in the countries whose medical care systems are least qualified to treat allergic shock! For only 0.08 cents a day, you can instill the fear of bees into a child who already had finding food and shelter along with fighting off sickness as things to worry about.

Last Minute Holiday Shopping Still Needs Some Law and Order

The Holiday Gift Giving Season Needs some Law and Order.

It's the last weekend to go shopping for the Holidays. What the fuck were you doing with your time that you've waited this long? Well, enough questions on what you were doing. More along the lines of what will you do now? Don't forget to pack a cyanide pill with your wallet as I'm sure going two miles near a mall or shopping center this weekend will bring you to the point of insanity.

This last minute gift shopping leads to the easy out. That is, folks just grab the closest random crap on the shelf that isn't blocked by shopping carts and call it a day. This can lead to some pretty bad gifts. Sure you try to justify them to yourself as it being something the person may like if they open themselves up to it but it's just something that will get turned into one of the three R's; Returned, Regifted or Recycled.

I have had my share of terrible gifts. Enough that even though I know you total strangers will give me nothing for Christmas, I still feel the need to write out a helpful guide to point you away from getting anyone any of these things. That and I also wanted to comment on these because they were just so damn insanely out there that I felt the need to get an audience while I lampoon them. So enjoy while I talk about awful gift ideas!

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Field Kit

Who is letting their kids watch CSI that there would be enough interest to market a personal field kit to anyone? I get the idea. You want to get your snot nosed brat from playing that blasted ol' Playstation wii 360 and get into something educational. But exactly is this going to teach them? Perhaps how to enhance their digital photos. I can't wait to hear some 12 year olds discuss if the semen stains on the victim were left postmortem and what blunt object was used to kill them. It's like clue, only with more dead bodies!

If this kit doesn't come with a big book of Gil Grissom's witty one liners to use whenever you find a dead body, it would be a crime. A terrible terrible crime. If that's the case, someone better get the field kit ready cause I feel like killing whoever dropped the ball on that one. Also look out for the CSI: Miami field kit. It comes with sunglasses that need to be removed whenever you get to a "crime scene" and it comes in an orange-ish color case. There's also a CSI: New York field kit, but no one ever plays with that one so don't bother.

This gift is terrible for many reasons. If you have a kid, don't let the watch CSI. If you have someone who has a strange obsession with death that would lead you to think this would be good gift, you should just head over to the Los Angeles County Coroner since they actually have a gift shop. Remember the day you identified that dead body or dropped off the dental records with a shirt and a lapel pen! That's a discussion in itself best saved for another time.

I'm waiting for whatever Without A Trace will try to market towards the kids market. How about some Dexter plastic sheets for kids? Now that'll sell!

Exclusive Police Officer Knife Replica Honors Those Who Serve and Protect!

What better way to show your sensitive side than with a deadly weapon. It's like saying, "Hey, I'm sensitive, but not so sensitive that I won't stab you in the gut if you even so much as suggest that I'm gay, because I'm not gay. I just like really gay art."

While I'm an avid opponent of stabbing in general, I would seriously recommend giving this knife as a gift to anyone who has the potential of going off their rocker and stabbing someone. It just seems appropriate to me that such a poorly conceived symbol of justice be co-opted for the dreadful business of stabbing. If this knife ended up a murder weapon, then it would truly be art.

For some reason this is labeled as a replica. I guess police really do carry these things around, which seems impractical, but I'm never one to question the law. I don't know if the miniature gun on the knife actually fires, or if those little belt pouches the knife is wearing contain any useful crime fighting instruments. I would hope so, otherwise why on earth would they even be there?

Even if you did some have family member who seemed off the beaten path and had some samurai sword fetish, would you really want to supply them with a knife? You do realize YOUR prints are now on future exhibit A, right?

AQUA DOTS (My first GHB Lab!)

I sometimes question the existence of a God.. Ok, not really. I seriously don't believe in that big fairy tale. But if I did, this would be that sign that he has one hell of a sense of humor. This was Toy of the year. On paper, it looks pretty neat. It's dots and water. What could go wrong? As we found out in just one of the many recalls this year, a whole lot!

The comedy behind this toy is that the dots that make up the toy of this, when consumed by stupid children who like to eat anything and everything, act much like the date rape drug. I'm sure this could be a better way to transition to the game of playing Doctor for young children, but it seems that parents didn't really want their kids preparing themselves for the future club/dating scene.

On the other hand, compared to the mass amount of toys being recalled because of lead these days, Aqua Dots seems like the safer alternative. What's the worse that can happen? Your kid gets knocked out for a couple of hours and you get to do whatever it is you wanted to do without the need of a baby sitter. Win/Win! A whole lot cheaper than buying NyQuil to buy you some alone time with the significant other.

SPEED STACKS or simply plastic Cups...

Seriously... What the fuck! What kind of shitty gift is this. Cross that, what kind of shitty toy is this? Christmas time or any other time. What the hell is this abortion of a toy? It's cup stacking and it's claiming it's a sport. I'm sure you can put the words Competitive in front of anything but it wont make it a sport. It's plastic cups. Green plastic cups. That's not a toy, those are party supplies. The two wouldn't have any use as a gift anyway. No one will want to drink from cups used to stack anyway. You don't have to be Monk to be deathly afraid of drinking from these cups.

Imagine little Timmys mindset on Christmas day. He's hoping for that Guitar Hero III and he unwraps this. You might as well go around the mall screaming that Santa isn't real as that's the only way you can shatter someone's Christmas any worse. I'm sure you would get a better reaction having them open up some underwear or a poorly made sweater than you would get after giving this awful gift.

If you have the terrible idea to get anyone this, you should just forget going to Toys 'r' us and head down to the local party supply store and buy those red plastic cups. At least with those your kid could make five bucks a cup at any given college kegger.

Even with them glowing in the dark. You're better off just getting drunk with the cups than try to fumble around in the dark with them. Yes, they may glow in the dark. Everything else around it, namely the table you're stacking them on, does not. Use the dark for something more productive if you get this gift. Crying in one of the corners comes to mind.

Spider-Man's Awesome to the Max Bike WebWorld Racers!

Spider-Man 3 was such an epic film. That fight scene with Venom in the construction site and then that really wicked bike race with the Sandman after.... Oh, you don't remember that scene? Well, neither do I since it never happened. Perhaps it remains on the cutting room floor taunting us like some itch on your gum you can't scratch. Perhaps it's better that we never saw that scene.

Let's take a few moments to figure out what is going on in this toy anyway. You have the Sandman, a character who has the power to make himself sand and some other stuff, and Spider-man, who can swing by webbing he produces out of his hands, riding motorcycles in what can only be described as Webworld Racers. Now that I think about it, the film's conclusion would have been a whole better resolved if Spidey and Sandman decided to settle their dispute on the streets, like real super powered freaks do!

I know there's crappy movie tie in products but this is just awful. Not even getting into the typical "nerd rage" but why is Spider-man even on a motorcycle? He can swing around the city. Is this some sort of attempt to make kids less violent but much more interested in illegal street racing? I'm sure the marketing for this went down with someone really happy finding out that kids like Spider-man and Motorcycles. Let's put the two together and get the ultimate toy possible! Enjoy your six figure salary, Mr. Toy Maker.

If you have to get your kid an action figure, just get him the action figure. Forget the bells and whistles as it's just pointless gimmicks. The kid is going to have a better time using his imagination creating whatever wacky situations and street races he wants to put the action figures in. I knew someone who made an epic 13 part story with a single Tie Fighter toy. This was in High School mind you. Amazing what an imagination can do. You don't even have to pay for one.

Double Dragon Figurines on "Flaming" Crystalline Bases! Or anything else as nerdy as this.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that I'm geeky. Not to mention Double Dragon was a pretty fun game back in the day. There was no Grand Theft Auto during that time so it was the only way I could wander the streets bicycle kicking lesbians and whipping people. Although, there was that time when you were in a helicopter and somehow there were like 40 guys crammed into the front of the helicopter and they would come out to fight you one by one like it was some sort of clown helicopter. That was pretty great, at least up until Abobo showed up and you had to stop messing around and get serious.

What I'm trying to say is that there comes a point in life when you are in the back of a helicopter and you've just been tossing punk after punk out the open door without any hassle, then suddenly this huge dude comes out and you start to realize that you could easily wind up like one of those helicopter-defenestrated punks if you don't start taking life seriously. Up until now this has all been fun and games, but this crap has to stop before we degrade humanity any further.

This huge ridiculous sculpture depicts two dragons that are either getting ready to kill each other, or getting ready to perform the physical act of love. To be honest, it's kind of hard to tell what exactly is going on because the artists seem to be 12-year-olds with ADD. I think the dragons are either shitting fire, or the fire is reaching up to give them some kind of magical enema. For reasons beyond me, you can see a picture of two heroic humans and also another dragon in the fire. I can understand the fiery depiction of the humans, since that serves to remind the viewer that somebody out there might want to claim the mysterious sword in the middle of the figurine. I don't know what the depiction of the other dragon is for, since there are already two dragons getting ready to go at it. That third one is really one dragon too many. Fire is pretty intense by nature, so there is simply no justification for painting monsters on the side of it.

I don't know if the red or blue dragons have any plans to try to claim that sword in the middle, but I kind of doubt it. What's a dragon going to do with a sword? If that were a big thing of French bread instead of a sword, I'd wager a pretty penny that they were fighting over it. As is, it seems like it would be in the best interest of both dragons to team up and protect the sword, lest some hotheaded human procure it and then stab one or the other.

The biggest problem for me is not that this is an utterly pathetic piece of shit, but that it's an utterly pathetic piece of shit that you can't in good conscience display anywhere. Believe me, I have a lot of utterly pathetic pieces of shit around my place. Where on earth do you put a thing like this? Unless you have some sort of Altar of Virginity built in your basement, there is no appropriate place for such a monstrosity, and this is coming from someone who has Captain Jack's broken compass up on the wall. And if you can think of a place you would put one of these, please do me the honor of punching your own stupid face as hard as possible.

You see these a lot at stores like Spencer's and that sword store in the mall that you never want to set foot in. Really, this is a terrible gift. And if you know someone who would really love something like this don't encourage them by getting them more of the same. Like a dog who just took a big one on the carpet. You don't encourage him. You grab a newspaper, or in this case a comic book, and you smack him a couple of times.

Gift Cards

While I have recieved many gift cards in the past, used them and appreciated having them. I just don't see the point of a gift card. It's not a very good gift. All you are doing is giving the store an interest free loan. When you get right down to it, you're telling the person one of many things. None of which are really anything very good.
1. I don't know you, but I felt obligated to give you something.
2. I know you, but I don't know anything about you to get you something.
3. I like you, but not enough to get you what you like.
4. I was in line buying actual items for people and remembered I didn't buy anything for you yet.

If you're going to go down that road, why send something of cash value? Isn't it better to just put some cash in their hand if that's the intent? Yes, I'm fully aware that cash seems like the person put in no effort. But is going to Best Buy or Game Stop and buying a gift card that much more effort than putting cash in their hand? Just send best wishes if you really have no idea what the person will like.

What if the store you get a gift card from isn't a store they don't shop at? You are now forcing that person into going to that place and spending money on stuff they normally wouldn't even care about anyway. I know the last few gift cards, the amount that folks have given me was not enough to cover the cost of whatever it was that I bought. So the gift was really just like 25-50% off coupon.

There's a report out that says that 8 Billion a year is lost in unredeemed, lost or expired gift cards. Not to mention the hidden fees attached to them. That's double the amount of loss from debit and credit card fraud a year in America, which is 3.5 billion. Much like that hidden twenty you find on laundry day, people lose gift cards or put them away and they can be drained slowly by all those hidden fees. Only with the twenty, when you find it a couple of months later, it's still worth twenty bucks.

The scary aspect to this is that gift cards are very popular. The same study showed that 88% of shoppers will buy two or more gift cards this season and that gift cards will average over 26.3 billion over the holiday season.

Why bother? With a gift card the person now has to drive down to the mall soon after Christmas and face the mass crowds of returns and post-season sales to find something they may like. Just give cash. It saves you the trip to the store before Christmas and it saves the person the trip after Christmas. Even if it's a buck or two, I doubt they will be offended. At the very least not any less offended than if you were just giving them a gift card.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Christmas season. I love the lights, the seasons tidings and cheer. The return of eggnog and the excuse to eat a ton of Ham and of course get sick from Tamales. I don't like the idea of being forced into giving someone something. Do it if you want to. Do it if you honestly see something the person may like the item. Don't do it because you feel obligated to do so. That's the time you get into the bad gifts. I'd much rather get a seasons greeting than get a crappy gift.

While a crappy gift shows me you had the couple of seconds to think of me, not giving me a gift offers me the ability to not have to worry about what I'm getting you. Think of it as time saved. The gift to me will be that I didn't have to waste any time trying to find you something you would more than likely hate. If I know you well enough, and you knew me well enough, maybe then the gifts would have some personal touch to them. Otherwise, I'd rather not spend my weekend driving around malls and dealing with credit card bills six months into the new year. A simple Merry Christmas and the knowledge that you do not wish ill on me is more than enough.

Merry Christmas!