My Dogs Are Barking

My Dogs Are Barking

The annual Toy Fair International is going on in New York right now. Now, I don't think most people know of this expo, but since I'm a nerd and some part of nerdom is collecting crap that is otherwise considered stuff for little kids, this is information that I just happen to know even though I haven't bought any "action figure" in a very long while.

The nice thing about Toy Fair is that you get a glimpse of the future in the stores. Most of all, you get to see what could potentially be the hot toy for Christmas. Yes, it may only be March, but to the people who are crafting up to take your money, it's already Christmas before Easter ever hits. So perhaps you should take note on this new toy that will be out in time for Christmas as your kids will be asking for it.



Well, I must disappoint you. Scientists have created no such collar. But one of the world’s largest toy companies, Mattel Inc, has made something even better: Puppy Tweets. Yes. You read that right. Twitter. For dogs.

Yes, you read that right. Twitter. For dogs. Well, it's called Puppy Tweets(TM). Yes, that's right. It's a god damn twitter based toy so social networking will be a major part of this useless Pokemon/digi-pet sort of thing. What does it do? Well, dog owners will just die happy now that they realize that their dog will be wearing a collar that randomly tweets into their own Doggie twitter account random things.

Wait. You must be thinking that this will allow your dog to talk or something. Send messages as to his current mood or where he be at, yo. No. No it wont. You should talk to your little child now and clear this up before they have a case of hopeful eyes like I did when I was a little kid and saw Back to the Future II and thought hover boards were just around the corner.

What Puppy Tweets(TM) does is sit on your pets collar and with a tag that has integrated motion and sound sensors on the dog's collar connects to a USB receiver. It comes with easy-to-use software, which is short speak to say that you will more than likely call one of the Geek Squad people over to install this, then after paying that huge tech support bill your dog is now connected to his own Twitter account.



So what does his twitter account do other than take up space on the internet and has all of two followers? It monitors what your dog does, which most likely is sleep, interprets these actions and then sends humorous tweets to the account. It's not reading the dogs mind. It's just randomly coming up with pre-set messages.

What would be the interesting things a dog would even say? Well.. I have no idea. When your daily life consist of sleeping,e eating, pooping, barking at small woodland animals and begging for one of the previous mentioned items.. and sometimes wanting a belly rub, I have no idea what sort of topic this animal can really provide. Here's the examples of the tweets:

"Guess what I'm licking right now?"

Oh boy.. could it be your balls?

"I finally caught that tail I've been chasing, and.... OOUUCCH!!"

Well gee, I'm sure glad that I set up my twitter account to follow this..

"I bark because I miss you. There, I said it. Now hurry home."

I can't wait for Kibbles and Bits to team up with them and have the tweets be advertisements. Nothing like your dog tweeting that they want some Kibbles and Bits brand dog food.



This is just the start of it. Mattel Brands President Neil Friedman told the soon to be dead L.A. Times that they think this could be the start of a new wave of products for people to interact with their pets. Again, how is it interacting with your pet? You're looking at your Twitter feed and see that your dog's collar randomly generated a message. Maybe you should have been fucking playing with your dog instead of spending your time online or looking at your phone to see who just tweeted.

So what's the damage to your wallet? $30 seems to get you this randomly tweeting machine you strap around your pet. You know what, don't even bother. With that money you could probably buy your dog some real food that isn't crap ground up and passed as nutritional substances.



Of course Cat owners are beyond pissed at this whole slap in the face by Mattel. Mattel has answered these spinsters call. While they would not say whether Kitty Tweets is on the way, they have said that this is indeed the beginning. Why start with dogs? They said that dogs get into more trouble while their owners are away at work.

This may be true, given the nature of cats to sleep, but just imagine how much extra income your average crazy cat lady has to spend considering she doesn't have any children to spend the money on. Mittens sure would look cute with some stupid tweeting collar.

Either way, these things are stupid plastic toys that are going to do nothing but become boring after all the predetermined generated tweets are cycled through on the twitter account that no one will want to follow no matter how annoying you are in pushing it on others.

But hey, I'm sure your kid will never forgive you if it's not under the tree this year. And if you don't have a pet you know you're also going to be asked for that puppy. So Costco should at least make a two pack of these items.

The Dog That Stole Thanksgiving

The Dog That Stole Thanksgiving

I came across this little news piece today and I just didn't know what to make of it. I mean, it's just so odd. Now that you're coming back to work and to your daily life from the Thanksgiving weekend, perhaps it's best that you look back at the terrors of dealing with bad flights, awkward family situations and dry turkey and be thankful yet again at the story you're about to read:


Click on the picture to see the article...


The thing that makes me laugh the most about it is that someone got paid to write that. Someone had to come in on Thanksgiving and was told by their editor who also had to come in on Thanksgiving to write that. Then someone got paid to photoshop a golden retriever as the unabomber.

I'm not all that surprised. I worked in the news field before. You get called in on any day possible. Nights/weekends aren't free to you. But still, it is very funny. But the lack of work in this case is the most comical. I've worked editing jobs where you can get away with sitting around all day and then doing the work you need in 5 minutes and getting paid for a full day's work. It's like stealing candy from a baby.. or in this case, stealing turkey from a family.

I suppose some sympathy is needed here. The owner of the turkey is a seven and a half months pregnant, and says she and her husband spent their last $25 on the turkey. At least the couple was still able to have a thanksgiving turkey, provided to them by some generous neighbors.



When you break it down, Thanksgiving is a primitive animal sacrifice ritual symbolizing the subjugation and ethnic cleansing of the American native population and glorifying American waste and excess. A dog which defiles such an event, stealing the food of the white oppressor, is giving a symbolic lesson on the theft of food and resources committed by America upon their own people and the rest of the world. This not a bad dog.. this is the best dog.

Dogs in generally seem like they have a straight head when it comes to which side they lean towards. It seems that they are inherently leftist. Then again, unless this dog stole that turkey from the poor family to bring to his rich master, then he's just like any other tool of the bourgeois.

Once my dog ate my birthday cake. I didn't see that story make it on Fox news... Clearly they aren't fair or balanced after all!

Man's Best Friend Is Smarter Than You

Man's Best Friend Is Smarter Than You



Read the article about DOGS ON TRAINS
and to be honest, I wouldn't even need to be barked at or scared by these dogs to give them food. They're some smart amazing creatures. Next time you make them sit for a treat, just think about the fact that there's these amazing dogs out there that are willing to do so much more for something to eat.



Russian scientists say that Moscow stray dogs became much smarter. The four legged oldest human’s friends demonstrate real smartness such as riding the Moscow metro every morning to get from their suburban places of living to the fat regions of Moscow center. Once they arrive to the downtown they demonstrate different new, previously unseen for the dog skills. Those skills can include “the hunt for shawarma” for example, the popular among Muscovites eastern cuisine dish. This hunt scene can be seen as this:

Regular Moscow busy street with some small food kiosks. A middle-aged man buys himself a piece of hot fast food and walks aside chewing it without a rush. Then just in a second he jumps up frightened - some doggy has sneaked up on him and barked out loudly. His tasty snack falls out from his hands down to the ground and the dog gets it. Just ten minutes later, on the same place, the teen youngster loses his dinner in exactly the same manner. The modern Russian dogs are on their urban hunt.



“This method of ambushing people from their back is widely exercised by Moscow dogs”, saying A. Poiarkov, working in Ecology and Evolution Institute of Moscow. “The main point here is to define who would drop the food scared and who won’t, but the dogs are great psychologists they can do it better than us”.



Moscow ecologists think that dogs started acquiring this habits in 1990s, when the Soviet union collapsed and Moscow has fell into the hands of new class of Russian capitalists. They understood the true value of the downtown realty underestimated by previous Communist owners and became removing all the industrial complexes Moscow had in its centre to its outskirts. Those places were used by homeless dogs as a shelter often, so the dogs had to move together with their houses, so they had to learn how to travel Moscow subway - first to get to the centre in the morning then back home in the evening, just as us people.



The commercial revolution of Moscow made their usual feeding places like trash bins out of direct reach, so they had to get to know new ways of getting their piece of food. That’s how appeared those “Shawarma hunts”. Sometimes though they use more gentle methods. Young girl sits on the bench to eat her hot dog - a big cute looking dog appears from the surrounding bushes and puts her head on her knees. The girl can’t help herself sharing the hotdog with a dog.



Among some more amazing skill those Moscow dogs are the ability not to miss their stop while going on the subway train. Biologists say dogs have very nice sense of time which helps them not to miss their destination. Another skill they have is to cross the road on the green traffic light. “They don’t react on color, but on the picture they see on the traffic light”, Moscow scientist tells. Also they choose often the last or the first metro car - those are less crowded usually.



It’s funny but the ecologists studying Moscow stray dogs also tell the dogs don’t miss a chance to get some play while on their travel in the subway. They are fond of jumping in the train just seconds before the doors shut closed risking their tails be jammed. “They do it for fun, just they have enough food”, they conclude.

First Pets

First Pets

I'm not going to bore you with some story about my first pet. Hell, I don't even remember it. I'm sure it was a Dalmatian. Hell, that's all I had as a kid. My mom loved them. But that's besides the point. Since we're all into politics and well, the whole spill on who's going to win and why is a played out joke. Namely because someone already won. So that joke has long since left.

But since Obama won it's time to make due on the puppy promise he already buried himself with during his victory speech. Way to go Obama. So in the effort to be fair and balanced, let's take a look at the previous pets who took a crap in the white house.


One of the most famous of pets


Now that's one first pet!


Well, there's certainly not any racial joke here at all...


GET HIM OFF MY NUTS!


Ich bin ein mutt


White house/ White Dog


TV sure was boring


Can't secret service take-care of the dog out?


That's one bitch of a first lady.


They aren't ripping his throat out...
BAD DOG! BAD! No treat for you


Ain't that cute. He thinks he's people.


School systems? Screw that. We
need better reading systems for pets!


I wonder how George Sr. could sleep with that
ugly looking bitch. Not to mention the dog also.


They sure need a landscaper at the white house
Or to have the dog not piss all over the lawn


At least dogs don't keep stained dresses


Not the first one he had go get his ball.... ZING!


Boy, does he like to be around a lot of bitches


This is not how you walk a dog!


Again, you don't take a dog out for a flight!

So what will Obama's mutt be? Well it's clear that he's not making friends with that sort of language! I'm sure I can come up with an overused "Bitch" joke about it though. Cause hey, it's always funny the 100th time I make it, right?

Then there's Socks the Cat. At 19 he's still kicking ass... well, as much ass as a cat can kick. Which isn't much. I suppose it's limited to just sleeping around all day and begging for cat food. Now man's best friend may be a dog, but if there's anyone that shows off how a cool pet looks like, it's Socks the cat. That mofo was stylin'

What? Expecting another bitch joke? No way,
This is just one big pussy. Oh yeah, and a cat also


up down left right A B A B select start gets you 9 more lives


Fox News? Fuck you, I ain't answering shit from you!